Sex or success, take your pick, or Too Young to Die

Too Young to Die (published 1989) was one of the Lurlene books I read early on in my Lurlene obsession. I have really vivid memories of reading this one (and its sequel I haven't tracked down yet, but hopefully I'll be reviewing it soon) at my parents' restaurant and loving it SO MUCH. This is always a huge warning sign; apparently young Ames was not to be trusted.

I do think this was Lurlene's first real attempt at writing a cancer book, and the reason I picked this one up in the first place this time around was that I'd just started the first Dawn Rochelle book, and I was all "OH MAN I HAVE SEEN THIS ALL BEFORE" so I figured I'd just go back to the beginning and take it from there. I mean, Dawn Rochelle can wait, right? The girl's got five books; I doubt she's going anywhere.

So, right, Too Young to Die. I scoured the web high and low, but I couldn't find the edition I grew up with. So here's what we've got to work with:


The book spends a lot of time telling us how pretty our protag, Melissa, is, so it's kind of sad they just put a really nondescript girl on the cover. If you want me to buy ravishing beauty, cover designer, you've got to GIVE ME ravishing beauty. Then again, you want me to think the hunky dude is, well, a hunk, and this guy's, like, hey, I just got my first job, and it's CASUAL FRIDAY!

UPDATED: the lovely and talented snappleaddict scanned me the cover I'd been searching for!:


Wow, could he be giving her a creepier look? As you'll soon see, no matter if this guy is supposed to be the boyfriend or the brother, that's pretty damn accurate.

Oh, right, do you guys want to know what the publishers want us to THINK this book is about? Here we go!:

At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she's even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever.

But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor's diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying.

Man, if there's anything I've learned from the Lurleneverse (and noted by Genevieve as well), the second your life starts to go as well as good grades and Brain Bowl (is that like being a mathlete?), you're gonna catch the cancer, no way out of it.

The book opens with Melissa and her BFF Jory getting up at 4 a.m. to help Melissa's brother fly his hot air balloon. Probably the technical term isn't "fly" but, you guys, I am not sitting here and researching proper hot air balloon terminology for you. My love only runs so deep. Just deal with it! Jory's going on and on and on about how hot Melissa's brother is and how baddddddddd she wants him, and Melissa just teases her instead of being all grossed out like I would be. This is probably because Melissa is obviously ALSO in love with her brother. Seriously, you guys, she can't shut up about him. Here are some excerpts:

He was dressed in well-worn jeans, and his black hair was still damp from a shower, all five foot ten of him smelling of clean, fresh soap.

. . .

Michael turned his sapphire-blue eyes toward her. Sometimes looking at him was like looking into a mirror. He had the same square face, high, angular cheekbones, and dark eyebrows as she.

. . .

Michael stood and stretched, his physique rippling with muscle.

That first passage in particular reminded me of this gross Sweet Valley High moment between Jess and Steven, quoted over at the Dairi Burger:

“Could you zip up my dress, please?”

. . .

“Sure” Steven said good-naturedly. He walked up to his sister, who was now standing before the full length mirror on the back of his closet door. He bent his six-one body over the zipper. It took a little maneuvering, but he finally managed to zip up the dress without damaging the delicate fabric.

Seriously, ghostwriter, I never, ever want to imagine Steven bending all six-foot-one of his body over Jessica.

As for that second passage, it's a little Chris and Cathy, yeah? Ewwww.

And as for the third? Well, geez, I've been won over. Now even I am hopelessly attracted to Michael. Oh, let me tell you guys some more about Michael. He's in community college, he works TWO JOBS so he can have a nice life and help out his poor, single, working mother, and he hot-air-balloons for fun.

So the first clue we're supposed to get that Melissa is illllllll is that she's draggin' her ass out of bed while Jory's all good morrrrrrrrrrrning! It's four a.m.! If being barely able to get out of bed at four a.m. means you have leukemia, I think almost everyone I know must have leukemia.

Actually, Melissa gets more symptoms in one page than anyone I've ever met in the Lurleneverse. In ONE PAGE she's got dark circles under her eyes, tons of unexplained bruising, fatigue, and uncontrollable bleeding. DUDE MELISSA THIS ISN'T GOOD. Also, this is PAGE TWO. Also every other second Lurlene mentions Melissa's waist-length dark brown hair, and you know any book that talks about long flowing luscious shining gleaming streaming flaxen-waxen hair is ready to chemo it all out.

Michael's all in love with the world post-balloon ride:

"It's incredible--high above the earth, seeing the world like a bird does. Man, it's almost better than--" He caught himself, glancing self-consciously at Jory.

"Better than sex?" Melissa finished drolly, quoting one of his frequently used descriptive phrases. "I wouldn't know."

"You better not."

Ew, Michael, shut up. You are not your sister's hymen's keeper.

So Michael is not into Jory at all, because she's rich and occasionally mentions she went somewhere fancy or, I dunno, shows up places in her nice car. It's really dumb; Jory's sixteen and can't help that her parents have money. She's super-nice and generous, so why does it make her a bad person? Okay, now I hate you, Michael, despite all your hard work and your rippling physique.

Jory encourages Melissa to be more into boys, but she's all I R VRY SRS STUDENT so because she wants to focus on her PSATs she apparently can't be into boys too. Whatever, fine. I have met people like this so I'll give it a pass even though it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, as boys can generally exist in the same world as good grades and PSATs. But then Melissa's occasionally mentioning all the dates she's been on in the past, etc., and I don't think it's very consistent. Anyone who has dated enough to refer to it like that isn't someone who doesn't get that you can date AND study. I guess the Lurleneverse is one of those places where all boys and girls date starting really young and go out on those totes proper date-dates, the kinds I don't think any high-schooler has been on in like two decades, yeah? Yeah. What a shock, the Lurleneverse not lining up with the reality I've lived through, right?

Despite this, Melissa is soooo into this dude named Brad. He's all RICH and HANDSOME, but also once Melissa is offered a spot on the Brain Bowl, he is too, so, wow, he is RICH and HANDSOME and SMART. If he's nice to his mother and not the keeper of anyone's hymen, I would say he officially wins out over Michael. Freaking Michael!

Melissa's mom isn't crazy about all the studying she's doing. Oh my god, Ms. Austin, you're a terrible mother! WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THAT EVER?:

"I want to go to college."

Her mother sighed. [OH MY GOD YEAH THAT IS SOOO UNREASONABLE.] "How did I ever end up with success-oriented kids? [Obviously not by leading through example.] All I wanted to do when I was your age was get married."

"I want it all, Mom. Lots of women have careers and families. [Not in the Lurleneverse, sweetie.] Why can't I do both? [Uh, bruises, fatigue, bleeding, your brother's close watch on your virginity....] You do."

"I had to," her mother reminded her. "I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and raise babies. But, when I did have to go to work, it would have been much easier if I'd had an education to fall back on. [Wait, what?] As it was, I started at the bottom."

Shorter Ms. Austin: My life would have been a lot better with a college education so why do you want one? UM MS. AUSTIN DOESN'T THAT ACTUALLY MEAN YOU AGREE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER? You're an idiot; I don't think an undergraduate degree could have fixed that.

Jory shows up for dinner; since her parents are rich that means they're never home and don't actually love her. I read this sentence a few times but I'm still confused:

[Jory's] auburn curls were streaked with hair paint, and her outfit was straight out of a fashion magazine.

Can you guys PLEASE tell me what hair paint is? I have to know! Is it like that hair mascara? I totally remember that from the 1990s. What else could it be? Also why would Jory have a totally normal ensemble for school but then paint up her hair for dinner at the Austins? Oh, right, I bet she was hoping Michael was there. God, Jory, I actually really like you, but haven't you figured out by now Michael will not be impressed by such attempts as HAIR PAINT.

After their first grueling week of school, Jory invites Melissa over for a movie night. This book is so dated, check it out!:

"You're ruining your table," [Melissa] noted irritably.

Jory shrugged. "The maid will clean it tomorrow. [Oh those rich bitches and their maids!] Are we going to watch movies or blabber?"

"Which TV? The one in your room, the den, or the family room?" Melissa asked, knowing that the irony of the question would be lost on Jory. Didn't every house have three TVs?

UH YES MELISSA ANY MORE THEY ACTUALLY DO. Mine has five that are used regularly, and a few more in storage. I have seen the future, and it makes Jory Delaney's TV set-up quite unimpressive!

Melissa, of course, falls asleep early and sleeps in late, which is basically me on many weekends too, because I am old, and also because giant Mexican dinners tend to do that to a girl. So if you guys wake up late on Saturday mornings, review and assess: Did I have Mexican last night? If yes, whew! If no, CANCER CANCER CANCER.

They spend the day at the country club where Jory's a member BECAUSE SHE'S RICH. Guess who's there? Brad! Him and Melissa walk off on their own and get all flirty, even though Melissa is terrified. Again, this is why I hate all the mentions of all the dates Melissa's been on. Sure, it's scarier when it's someone you're TOTES INTO because there's, like, all this pressure on it to be AWESOME but GEEZ Melissa does NOT strike me as having tons of boy experience. Also I spoke to Michael and he confirmed with some official hymen reports. Thanks, Michael.

I actually like Brad but then he gets kind of creepy:

"Melissa." His voice went low and quiet. "Can I unbraid your hair?"

Flustered by his request and change of subject she stammered. "Y-Yes. If you want."

He reached over her shoulder and pulled the tightly wound braid forward, unclasping the gold clip. She couldn't tear her eyes from his face, couldn't stop the emotions and sensations pouring through her body. Brad unwound the plait slowly, dragging his fingers through the thick, dark masses of her hair until the strands fell loose and free. He sifted it through his fingers like sand, gathering it into handfuls. A breeze spun wispy strands across her face. "God, you have beautiful hair." His whisper sounded worshipful.

OF COURSE IT DID. Ew, I don't want to read about Fetish Boy and his desire to fuck Melissa's hair. I mean, I know this is only here so we can be all "OH NOES" in a few chapters, but, grrross.

Meanwhile, teachers have noticed all the bruises on Melissa and assume her mom's beating her. I guess that's good to have teachers who'd notice! I didn't go to a very good high school; I probably could have come in with a bunch of black eyes and my arm in a cast and gotten zero response. Oh, crap, does this explain why I started dying my hair all those wacky colors; WAS I JUST AFTER SOME ADULT ATTENTION? Pardon me while I reexamine my life in style.

Of course Ms. Austin, while being a shitty mother in other ways, wasn't beating Melissa, so Melissa has to go to the doctor to figure out what's going on. If this book was set fifteen years in the future, Melissa the brainiac would be using the hell out of Mayo Clinic and would already see her diagnosis all laid out for her. Honestly, I can't believe she's this much of a genius and can't figure this one out as it is.

While getting tested, this dude stops by Melissa's room:

"I'd heard from the nurses that there was a fox on the floor. [Geez, way to be unprofessional, nurses!] They didn't lie." The male voice coming from her doorway startled Melissa so completely that the brush fell from her grip [again, with the hair, god, could she nail this one in any more?] and clattered to the floor. In the doorway stood a stranger, surveying her with an insolent, wolfish grin.

Then the chapter ends. INTRIGUE! Wolfish? Is he a Special? Luckily, the next chapter picks up right where we left off, all Dan Brown-style again, so we don't have to wonder for long. He's just some dude named Ricter Davis, Ric for short. Ricter? THE HELL? Whose name is RICTER? I agree with the commenter who wants to see the weird-ass name book Lurlene uses. By the way, are there other writers who read this? Have you ever bought yourself a name book? Man, it's awful, I'm always like, "crap, do I look fat in this or do I look pregnant? I'm just a writer who needs help with names!" Luckily the internet has eliminated my need for those embarrassing scenarios.

Ricter's all "THE TESTS DON'T HURT AS MUCH AS THE RESULTS DO" and runs off, well, as much as he can run with one leg and two crutches. God, I hate him, he's all straight out of a Sarah Dessen book with ALL THE INFORMATION but not sharing it.

Thing is, he's right! Ruh roh! Melissa's got leukemia! Oh noes!

Ric shows up again with this observation:

"Jesus, you're pretty."

There was a sadness in his whispered words she didn't understand. "So what? What do my looks have to do with anything?"

"Just an observation."

Duh, Melissa, only ugly people are supposed to get cancer. Also:

"Too bad about your hair."

"What about it?"

"The chemo will take it. It'll take it all."

HOW DOES MELISSA NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS? I swear this was the FIRST thing I knew about cancer treatments! And I didn't qualify for any Brain Bowl action.

The book then, like, totes skims over the first weeks of treatment at double-speed, which is weird considering the painstakingly detailed narration of all the symptoms and tests. Geez, Lurlene, you're letting your medical fetishism slip. I guess there's only room for so much fetish in one book? Seriously, I bet this book is held aloft in hair-worship societies.

Once the hair's gone, Jory the awesome BFF shows up with some silk scarves for Melissa to wear. Melissa's all OMG THESE COST IN THE DOUBLE-DIGITS which made me giggle. I know back then that was a lot to spend but ha! It isn't weird at all for me to buy a friend a gift totalling in the double-digits, and none of my friends have even have worship-worthy hair that fell out due to leukemia treatments.

Melissa writes this journal entry:

I met a little girl today named Rachael. She's four and she has cancer, too. She thought I was very old, being sixteen, and I thought she was very sweet and too young for these things they're putting us through at the hospital. She asked me if I was a mommy. Of course, I'm not. But I can't help wondering if I ever will be. Who will want to make love to me now that I'm sick? What would it be like to have a baby grow inside of me? Will I ever know?

I thought this was actually pretty realistic, and I did like that Lurlene dealt with Melissa wondering if anyone would ever want to sleep with her. Isn't that how we deal with so much of the traumas life throws at us? Go Lurlene for not just going with "who will love me now" or "who'll marry me now"! This book is weirdly sexual. God, what a relief. I mean, hello, teenagers + drama? If some hormones don't show up I'd be concerned.

So Melissa's doing better so she gets to go home before she achieves remission. Yay! From how I understand it, kids don't have to have these terribly long stays for leukemia anymore, not that I'm some expert. I'm just trying to know what the hell I'm talking about so I can provide you lovely people with some insightful information.

Melissa takes her PSATs waaaay before she should be back at school, but of course still hits the 98th percentile. Go Melissa! She then gets to go back to school, which is tough, even though she's wearing a wig of artificial, shorter hair. Everyone's all "oh, man, sucks you had to cut your hair" like WHY THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT CHEMO? No wonder Melissa achieved Brain Bowl so easily.

Sadly, Brad's met some new girl, which upsets Melissa even though she knows she has no chance anymore. This seems pretty realistic to me; I'm glad even though Brad was a semi-cool guy with a hair fetish, he acted the way a lot of kids would have acted. What can I say? Occasionally Lurlene strikes realism.

One day Melissa leaves school to be greeted by Ric. You guys ready for the creepy?"

"How did you find me?"

"I watched the school empty and kept an eye out for the pretty girls. I'd almost given up."

"I had Brain Bowl drill."

He glanced to the side. "Actually, I've waited for you before, but you always seemed to be with that girlfriend of yours."

Oh man, he's so straight out of a Sarah Dessen novel, stalking her into submission. Of COURSE Melissa starts dating him, basically because he's all "NO ONE ELSE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE I DOOOOO CANCER CANCER WE BOTH HAVE CANCER". Michael doesn't approve, because Ric's nineteen, and apparently poses a real threat to Melissa's hymen, but Jory thinks it's great. Melissa journals that Ric and his college friends are ultra-casual about sex, and everyone assumes they're doing it, even though they aren't. This is handled pretty well, actually, Melissa isn't casting judgment on anyone who is or thinks she is. Yay Melissa! Not being ready to have sex doesn't make her anti-sex, so I'm totally behind her.

Ric, though, is another story:

[After some making out.] "Let's go inside," she said to him while her mind swirled and spun with the sensations his touch was arousing."

"All right," he said, his voice husky. "But I won't always let you back off this way, Melissa. I'm not some high school kid, and I know what I want."

Melissa doesn't knee him in the groin like she should, she's just all, yeahhhh I understand. This is so gross. "Won't always let you back off"? Does that translate to "sooner or later I'm gonna rape you"? This is so wrong; I can't believe this is accepted. If I was writing this book, Melissa and Jory would team up to teach Ric a lesson about threatening girls with sex. Also, how does that make any girl actually WANT to do it? Ric, I hope the next time you try that line on a girl she shows you what's what.

So Ric asks Melissa away for Spring Break, and this is what he says:

"Ric... I don't--" She stopped, groping for the right words. "I mean... I've never...."

"I know you haven't, Melissa. But when you do, I want it to be with me."

OH MY GOD RIC YOU ARE SO FUCKING CREEPY. He couldn't phrase it in a way that suggests he actually wants to have sex with Melissa, noooo, he wants Melissa to give it up to him. Helloooo control issues. Ric is so getting sued for sexual harassment at a future job.

Melissa thinks it over and decides against it. I wish I could say that's because she realizes Ric is a disgusting control freak who thinks he can use force to get what he wants, but, no:

"Before I got leukemia, I had so many plans. I wanted to make the Brain Bowl team--no junior has ever made the final panel. I wanted to be a National Merit Scholar. I wanted to go to college and study law. I wanted so many things, Ric."

. . .

"But I still want those things, Ric. In spite of everything that's happened."

"What's that got to do with our spending the weekend together?"

"You aren't my only option in life, Ric. Please don't make me your only one."

Okay, I half-agree with her. Ric is all basically "YOU MUST BE WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE CANCER CANCER CANCER WE ARE EACH OTHER'S ONLY OPTIONSSSS" and that is NO reason to be in a relationship. That said, I have it on good authority you can have sex in high school and still GO TO COLLEGE and STUDY LAW. The implication sex limits your options is so, so wrong and soooo anti-sex I want to puke. After so many really refreshing mentions of sex in this book, I was so annoyed to have it all come down to SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL IS BAD EVEN IF YOU WANT TO AND TAKE PRECAUTIONS. Ugh, Lurlene, you've let me down yet again!

Melissa fights to stay on the Brain Bowl team, and wins, and is all set for her first big match. Jory shows up to go with her, and Melissa's thrilled Jory has traded in her funky clothes for "polished sophistication". Ugh. Jory's sixteen! Isn't it too early to worry about such things, honestly? If there are any sixteen-year-olds reading this, revel in your time to wear whatever you want, okay? A few short years from now you could be stuck in corporate dress-code hell, and you're going to really regret the years lost to polished sophistication.

Jory presents Melissa with a gift, which is a super-expensive wig made of human hair (ew, paging Chris March!) that looks just like her old hair. I do wish the lesson learned could have been that Melissa is just as beautiful without it, but, whatever, it's the sweetest thing in the world that Jory did it for her. And on that note, the book ends. OH MY GOD MELISSA SURVIVED! Smart move being the protag, Melissa. Knowing your BFF narrates the sequel, I'm a bit concerned.

Clowns are never wrong, or Time to Let Go

You know what's sort of amazing about the cover to Time to Let Go (published 1990), the sequel to Somewhere Between Life and Death?


No, not that dude's wonky eye! The girl who's supposed to be Erin is actually the same girl from the cover to Somewhere Between Life and Death!:


Consistency in book covers to YA novels? PRACTICALLY UNHEARD OF SO GOOD WORK PUBLISHERS!

These days, the two books are packaged together for your book-carrying needs:


I think I actually prefer the soft pastel Erin of the first editions, even though she sort of looks like Beverley Mitchell from 7th Heaven...


...except SHE appears to have a wonky eye! WHAT! And, wait, 7th Heaven... poorly-written, unrealistic, convinced of its moral superiority? I'm suddenly reminded of something....

Okay, back to the book. Last we saw Erin, her sister Amy had just been taken off of life support and then died. Sadness! But Erin and her family were handling it totes well, yes?

Apparently not! We open with Erin IN THERAPY. It's one of her first appointment, and she does NOT want to be here!!! In an exposition-packed first chapter, we learn that Erin is having MONSTER HEADACHES and therapy is her last option because the doctors can't figure out what's wrong with her.

Uhhhh, I'm not a medical professional or anything, but right away I'm all "ooooh, pick me, pick me, I think I know the answer!", jumping up and down with my hand in the air. "Do you think maybe because of her sister's tragic and untimely death that Erin has a lot of stress and depression and guilt that leads to monster headaches?" But apparently they're just gonna gloss over all of that for awhile. Argh! I hate it when I know the answer to the main plot by the end of the first chapter.

Not that I was reading Lurlene to be SURPRISED or anything. Really, the beauty of Lurlene was generally you knew EXACTLY what you were getting into.

Actually, considering this is in the Lurleneverse, I thought maybe Erin was coming down with a case of the coma, or a bit of brain cancer. You know! In fact, I was a little disappointed she wasn't, because especially back when I read these VERY SERIOUSLY, I was coming in expecting disease and death. If I wanted a book where a girl needed to cope about death and family and life blah blah blah, I would have, I dunno, read a respectable author. Yeah? I came to Lurlene for medical fetishism, not all this real-life crap, so it was definitely a letdown back in the day, no matter how cuckoo I was for sequels (still am!), I expected more.

So let's check in on Erin's family? What's that, you say? Erin's mom is putting in too many hours at her boutique? OF COURSE SHE IS OH GEEZ HERE WE GO AGAIN! Also her parents yell at each other a lot; without Amy to hold them together they all just kind of flail hopelessly. Such is the power of Amys?

What's up with school? AUDITIONS! Aw yeah. Don't you guys wish this was more like Center Stage or something? I know I do. Anyways, there's going to be a big production of West Side Story in conjunction with the neighboring boys' school, and Erin is trying out for the DANCING ROLE OF MARIA. That's right, some kids will sing and act only, and some kids will dance only, and some will do it all. WHAT THE HELLLLLLL. This sounds AWFUL. If you can't sing and dance and act, you know what? You have no business being in a musical! Well, okay, you can be in a musical, but pick one where you can just be a chorus dancer or be a singer who doesn't have to dance. I mean, how messy must this look on stage???

So Erin is damn well convinced she's going to be Maria, and she hopes this total hottie named Seth will be Tony. Unfortunately some loudmouth clown (yeah, that's right, I said that on purpose) named David keeps running his mouth that HE is going to be the lead. That's right, arrogant fucker! Wait, Erin, aren't YOU convinced you're getting the lead? How is this any different at all?

Ohhh, and Erin and her therapist ACTUALLY HAVE THIS EXCHANGE:

Dr. Richardson leaned across the desk and added, "I hope whoever gets the role of Tony is gorgeous."

Erin hadn't thought about the male lead until then. "It doesn't matter to me. Just so long as he's good."

"Do you have a boyfriend? Maybe he won't want you to play opposite some other guy. Would that be a problem?"

DR. RICHARDSON WHAT THE HELL! Hell YEAH that'd be a problem, a problem WITH THE BOYFRIEND. Geez, don't encourage jackassery.

Obviously David is totes like Amy: he's a loud-mouth bitch and a big talker. WE ALL SEE THIS, ERIN, EVERYONE EXCEPT YOU. So of course she gets headaches whenever David gets all Amy-y (Amy-esque?), but STILL she's not sure why she's getting them. Erin, get a freaking clue or a much better therapist, okay? Mine would have knocked this out of the park on my first appointment.

Erin also figures out that she met David once before: he was the clown she worked with when she stepped in for Amy. Clowns ALWAYS come back, don't they? For some reason, she doesn't tell him this. Maybe because she hates him now, or maybe because she doesn't want to talk about Amy. Or both.

Also, David is always all "OH ERIN YOU ACTUALLY LOVE ME" and Erin's all "NO I DON'T" but Erin's protests mean little, because her BFF Shara is all "I have a date for the big dance, so we should double and you can take David!!!!" Ugh, Shara, you're not a good friend at all. Last time someone I called a friend wanted me to date a guy I hated, it didn't go so well.

So Erin randomly runs into Beth (remember her?) and finds out things are not so shiny in the Clark household. Beth's mom's new kidney is faaaaaaaailing! OH NOES! Is this because she's a single mom? I am sure that's at the root of it. Also Beth is totes skipping school so she can help out with her younger siblings and such. Poor Beth! I'm, uh, actually not sure of your purpose in this book, Beth, but, man, sucks to be you!

Oh, right, so later Beth calls Erin and is all "OMG IF I DON'T GET OUT OF THE HOUSE I'M GONNA GO NUTSO!" so they meet up at the mall, and Erin is so desperate to give Beth something to be happy about that she tells her about the dance and lets Beth help her pick out a dress. So this is Beth's purpose? A lameass plot contrivance to get Erin and David at the dance together? Man, you can totally go to the dance without a date, Erin! Also I bet you can cheer up Beth via shopping for, you know, tons of other clothing options that aren't a freaking formal gown. Whatever, plot contrivance Beth helps Erin pick out the perfect dress, and now it looks like Erin and David are totally goin' to the dance together.

Okay, so this is the thing, and I apologize because I'm bringing up Sarah freaking Dessen yet again, but this book reminds me a lot of several of hers. In fact, this scenario happens so often in her writing that I'm dubbing it Sarah Dessen Syndrome. In SDS, our girl protag has some issues (I mean, don't we all?), and the ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS THE ANSWERS IS A BOY.

Listen, I do believe people come into our lives to get us through stuff, to help us discover who we are, to show us that thing right in front of us that we can't see. But in that list of people, I wouldn't just include boyfriends, I'd include friends and teachers and coworkers. But, nope, not here, these poor girls would just be helllllllllllpless if not for the all-knowing boy. Why the hell are boys the same age so much more knowledgeable? Why do they hold life's answers? I mean, seriously, if this was really how it worked, it'd be pretty awesome to either be a boy or to have a boy, but, uh, hello, it's a really sexist notion.

Also I think YA authors should be a bit more vigilant and not produce lit that tells girls their bossy-ass boyfriend is TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING. Hello, gateway to emotional abuse!

Yet here we have David, who is never too goofy or too overconfident, who always knows what's best for Erin, who IS ALWAYS RIGHT. Erin just needs to, ya know, bow to his will and she'd be a lot happier. Luckily, David is a good guy and doesn't take advantage of this. But godDAMN I hate the implications of a boy who knows your life better than you do.

Another situation that appears a bit less often in Sarah's books and happens here (SDS2?) a boy comes along who is not at ALL what our girl protag wants (or THINKS she wants). He's wilder or he's calmer, he's hotter or he's less conventionally-attractive, he's louder or he's quieter. In short, he's nothing like the hypothetical dude on her hypothetical list, and she is sooooo not interested. He keeps pursuing her. He tells her she DOES like him. He basically stalks her.

And you know what happens? No, she doesn't call the cops on his ass, SHE FALLS FOR IT AND BECOMES HIS GIRLFRIEND. Hello, terrible life lesson #2! Man, this makes me angry. All y'alls, promise me the next time you get stalked you won't date him? Okay? Okay. Whew. You are so lucky you aren't a character in one of Sarah's or Lurlene's books. Oh, crap, wait, what if we are, and we just don't know it? What if Lurlene or Sarah is like Tommy Westphall? SHIT.

Okay, back to the story, sorry for taking you along with me through the tangled paths of my brainskull. So Erin goes to the dance with David, and he totally embarrasses her for many reasons. One is because of this:

In the hall her mother said, "If you weren't going with Shara, I'd never let you go out with this boy, Erin."

"What's the matter?"

"See for yourself."

Erin hurried into the living room. David stood facing her father but turned and flashed his high-voltage grin. He was wearing a tuxedo jacket, ruffled white shirt, paisley blue cummerbund and bow tie, and faded jeans. Down the side seams he'd sewn a blue satin ribbon. He wore red high-top sneakers and a black top hat, and a vivid red scarf poked from the upper outside pocket of his jacket. His bright red clown nose covered his real one.

Man, I hate Erin's mom here. I mean, there are plenty of reasons not to let Erin go out with David, like that he stalked her until she gave up and said "OH FINE" but, geez, let the boy dress like a weirdo. It doesn't make him a bad person.

Then:

Perspiration stood out on Seth's forehead, and David reached in his outside top pocket for the red hanky and pulled. Seth took it, but it didn't stop coming. The four of them stood transfixed as the material kept sliding out of David's pocket. Around them other couples stopped dancing and closed ranks. Giggles started, then swelled into laughter, as the "hanky" looped and draped to the floor in an endless stream of multicolored cloth.

I mean, honestly, David seems way desperate for attention, but I'd find that more annoying than embarrassing. Then again, I don't date my stalkers, so, seriously, Erin, you got yourself into this one.

After the dance, they take a walk on the beach, and Erin totally breaks down, and David makes her tell him anything, and she does, and she feels all emotionally naked, but it's a good thing, right? David's a good guy. Whatever, I guess. I'm so sick of boys having all the answers (though I do like David a hell of a lot better than that pompous ass Owen). Do you guys want to read my imaginary line of YA novels where stalkers never get dates and boyfriends don't know all the answers and working moms have awesome relationships with their kids and spouses/partners and all the roles in the school musical are played by one person only? Awwwesome.

I guess Erin has soooo seen the light that she gets in touch with former lust-object Travis! Oh, Erin, just when I want to hate on you, you do something like apologize for freaking out, and forgiving him for his shit behaviour:

"What do you want, Erin?"

What did she want? "I think I want to tell you that I'm sorry."

"Sorry about what?"

"Sorry about... the way I treated you, you know, last year when Amy was... was...."

"It was a hard time for all of us," Travis said quickly. "It's all right, I understand."

So everything turns out okay for everyone! David and Erin totes like each other, Erin's parents stop retreating from each other, Beth's mom makes her stop cutting classes and sign up for community college in the fall, and Erin's headaches GO AWAY HUZZAH. Oh man, you guys, this was a boring book. When your main plots are headaches, a musical, and a stalker-turned-boyfriend, you'd think you could wring a bit more of excitement, yeah? Lurlene, stick with disease and current-not-former death, and things'll go a lot easier for you.