Could it be that Lurlene is... wrong?

My friend Stacey sent me a link to a really interesting article about childhood leukemia risks:

However, it is also thought that contracting some childhood infections - which are often readily spread in environments such as playgroups where children are in close contact with each other - may prime the immune system against leukaemia.

Conversely, if the immune system is not challenged in early life, this is thought to raise the risk of an inappropriate response to subsequent infections, making the development of leukaemia more likely.

Wow, so those dreaded working moms, putting their kids in... gasp... daycare? Probably less likely to have kids who develop leukemia. Take that, Lurleneverse!

An angels trilogy conclusion does not actually require any angels, or Until Angels Close My Eyes

We arrive at last to the not-thrilling conclusion to the Amish/angels trilogy, Until Angels Close My Eyes (published 1999). I've got a feeling SOMEONE's goin' down this time. I certainly didn't suspect it with the last installment, most especially not Rebekah, well, okay, not until she talked about a visit from the way-too-literal angel, but this time I feel it in my bones. Let's hope that's not a symptom!

Our friendly marketing department wants you to know this about the book:

When Neil, Leah's warm and loving step-father, reveals that his cancer is no longer in remission, Leah finds comfort in a visit to Amish country to see her true love, Ethan. When Ethan chooses to leave his life on the farm, he moves in with Leah and her family. But once Ethan arrives, they realize that his Amish values are quite different from those of Leah's complex "English" world. Will their love help, or hurt, Leah as she faces the complex hurdles that await her?

If you guys are HOLY HELL SHOCKED about Neil's cancer, well, you aren't alone! But be patient, my loves, I'm getting there. First, let's look at the beautiful cover:



Leah's pretty! Ethan's still in his sort of Amish, sort of English clothes. But don't worry, you guys, there's a buggy in the background, so you won't get confused as to what kind of story this is.

Also, doesn't this sort of look like a Little Golden Book with that weird ass border on the left side?


I really wish I could promise you guys this book would be as entertaining and intelligent and moving as just THE COVER of the Shy Little Kitten is, but I don't feel right misleading the public.

Again, nowadays this book is part of a prepackaged trilogy:


So the beginning of this book is like a friggin' trainwreck in progress. I know Lurlene has been going more and more for just starting a book right in the midst of things (Leah already in the hospital for her broken finger, for just one example), plus I know enough about basic book-writing to be aware that it generally is best to open on the action of an important event (i.e. why should this book begin this day of all days) but OH MY GOD LURLENE THIS IS NUTSO EVEN FOR YOU:

"Leah, we need to talk." [Yes, this is how the book opens!]

Leah Lewis-Hall flicked off the TV [back when I was in Catholic grade school, we said 'flicking off' instead of 'flipping off' so I just got an awesome mental picture involving television and Leah's extended middle finger] and gave her mother her full attention. "What's up?" She knew something was wrong. For days, her mother had seemed edgy and uncommunicative. Most unlike herself. Leah's mother usually had something to say about everything. When Leah had come home from school that day, the house had been empty and there had only been a terse note: Neil and I will be back before supper.

Her mother sat down on the edge of the sofa. "I'm sure you've noticed that things haven't been exactly normal around here lately." [Mmm, how I like a piping hot fresh cup of exposition so early on in a book!]

"Are you and Neil having problems?" Leah asked, fearing the worst.

. . .

"Yes, we're having problems," her mother said.

But she doesn't mean, like, marital problems. NEIL HAS CANCER. NEIL HAS HAD CANCER. WAIT WHAT? Neil had cancer long ago, before his first wife died. Also, you guys, Neil is really old! He's sixty-eight! This keeps getting hammered in, with talk of an age difference and the fact that he's a widower, and on and on. OKAY THIS IS THE THIRD BOOK SO WHY ARE WE JUST LEARNING OF NEIL'S AGE? Did Lurlene just realize she wanted to throw in this old age/cancer subplot so she turned Neil old?

Okay, you guys, I have a confession, and I might as well come clean about it right now. At the same time I was reading this book, I was reading the absolutely lovely Sweethearts by my current Y.A. hero Sara Zarr. This book also featured a really nice stepdad who moved a mother and daughter out of financial hardship to upper middle-class comfort. It also featured A BOYFRIEND NAMED ETHAN. Now, Zarr writes really beautiful prose, believable characters, refreshing and new plotlines. But YOU CAN SEE HOW I WOULD OCCASIONALLY GET A LITTLE CONFUSED. I feel like I owe Zarr ten boxes of her favorite candy to apologize for this, but it's the truth, and you guys know how super committed I am to the truth. Anyways, I am going to do my best to keep the two books straight! You guys just deserve the warning. Also, again, Sara Zarr, I am so, so very sorry. I promise I will never, ever again confuse one of your books with something in the Lurleneverse.

Anyway, back to Neil's cancer. He's in the friggin' hospital! It's really bad! Leah's PISSED OFF. I mean, worried, but PISSED OFF. Why, she wonders, didn't anyone ever tell her that her stepdad has battled the same disease she did? Why didn't he help prepare her for what she had to go through? Why was there such epic dishonesty? Oh, they kept MEANING to tell her, but there was just NEVER A GOOD TIME.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WHAT???

I totally do not believe Lurlene ever had any clue Neil was A) old or B) cancerous. Considering book two in the trilogy JUST SORT OF ENDED, I doubt she was all set to go on the third book's plot, outside of lots of YA romance crap between Leah and Amish-or-will-he-go-English Ethan and, you know, ANGELS. So then she was all "OH CRAP WHAT ELSE CAN THIS BOOK BE ABOUT" and spun her little Wheel of Lurleneverse, and it totes landed on SOMEONE (ELSE) HAS CANCER.

Leah and her mom go to visit Neil at the hospital. Guess what his doctor is named???



Dr. Howser!!! AWESOME.

So Neil asks for some time alone with Leah, and he tries to be all "NO IT'S TOTALLY OKAY I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CANCER EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD CANCER TOO" but she's not having it. Seriously! This is so stupid I want to scream. Neil promises to be honest in the future.

Leah writes her Amish beau Ethan a letter about this news, and laments that IF ONLY HE WEREN'T AMISH because then she could just call, text, email, IM, Facebook 'poke', MySpace message, or tell him to check her LiveJournal for a filtered post. You guys, I would never survive dating the Amish.

Leah's back in school, and apparently her only friend is this girl named Sherry. Is Sherry cool and popular? Well, of course not:

Sherry was overweight, and therefore not on the social A-list.

OH MY GOD LURLENE HATES THE OVERWEIGHT. You know, I'm not saying popular cliques are chock-full of kids representing the entire body size spectrum, but there are usually one or two overweight kids who are super cool/popular/whatever for reasons that have nothing to do with maintaining a size 0 figure. Whatever, I know yelling at Lurlene for sizism is lame when there are so many worse offenders in the YA genre, I just think that "therefore" is a little inaccurate. I'm just glad Sherry's a nice girl and not always, like, written shoving food into her mouth.

So I like that the subject of dudes comes up, and Sherry asks if Leah has one, and she's all, "yeah, I do, but he's Amish, so it's totes complicated". I seriously hate how many books I've read where the protags won't cop up to their romantic lives for one reason or another, so it's refreshing that this is just a no-brainer to Leah. Of course, after getting through Neil's Big Cancer Deception, she's probably going through a big truth phase.

So Leah goes to hang out with Neil and her mother at the hospital, where two notable things occur. Firstly, THERE'S A WOMAN DOCTOR IN THE LURLENEVERSE. HURRAH! Secondly, Neil refers to Leah as his daughter, not his stepdaughter. This pleases her. It's pretty sweet. I like Neil, despite his rapid aging and plot-convenient cancer.

The doctor tells them there is evidence of cancer in Neil's liver, and Leah's mom is all I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOOLS! which, just, oh my god, I get there's a stage of denial, but Leah's mom just seems more like an idiot. Neil is able to talk some sense into her, whew. We're so lucky to have Neil, you guys. FOR NOW.

Ethan writes back to Leah and lets her know how sorry he is. He is still dressing English on the weekends (that sounds like a euphemism, though for what I'm not sure). Also he adds this delightful P.S.:

P.S. Charity says that I am to tell you hello. Hello.

UM DOES LURLENE UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OLD-FASHIONED AND STUPID?

Neil comes home from the hospital, and will do chemo on an outpatient basis. I mean, I'm sure he's gonna be fine, you guys, right?

Leah and Sherry are talking about their respective boy problems (Amish, a jock asshole who hates the unpopular and overweight), when Sherry lets out this gem:

"If only boys thought like girls instead of boys."

Um WHAT? I mean, I get what she's saying, because there are so many girls whose friends see their beauty and whom guys don't seem to notice, but, trust me, Sherry, the boys who think more like girls when it comes to dating are really, really not going to be into you. (Though they will happily take you out to meet boys together.) I was just wondering if gay people even EXIST in the Lurleneverse, but then I remembered Brian's uncle WHO DIED. (Then again, Lurlene kills off enough heterosexual people I doubt she's making a statement there. Still, one gay character, one death, lookin' a little bad to me, Lurlene.)

So this dude that Sherry's into is described as having "hands as large as ham hocks". WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE BIZARRE HAND METAPHORS?

Neil is doing okay with his chemo, but it's exhausting him, and he can't keep up with his collection of antique cars like he wants. He wants Leah to help him sell them, but she urges him to keep them. Aw, I would too, and not just because I'd totes be in complete denial (but not the stupid kind afflicting Leah's mom). Neil asks about Leah's college plans, and she's all, oh, pish posh, college, I don't really like school. Hey, what happened to being interested in nursing, Leah? This is such a badly-planned trilogy.

So I know this is a really middle-class view of mine, but considering that Leah easily falls into that in these books, and considering quite a few of Lurlene's heroines do, I think it's weird college is seen as something SOME people do. When I was in high school, everyone was pretty much expected to go to college unless they were, like, seriously academically-challenged (and even those kids were encouraged to go to community college or whatever). I think it's seriously badly-researched/imagined on Lurlene's behalf that college wouldn't be basically an automatic thought, most especially when she's dealing with kids of a certain class or above (which isn't to say I think college should be limited to certain classes, I just know it's sort of ridiculous to paint the image of wealthy ol' Neil and all of his cars, and yet Leah without a thought in the world about college).

Leah is reflecting back on her other stepfathers, and how friggin' awesome Neil is:

She'd never had a stepfather like Neil. The others had been imitations, men who had been indifferent to her - or worse, overly friendly.

AND THEN THAT IS DROPPED. WHAT WHAT WHAT. "Overly friendly"? Was Leah, like, molested? Was there just inappropriate, like, leering? How can you just throw something like that in and never get to it again? That is kind of a big fucking deal, Lurlene! Seriously, I know I've mocked every one of Lurlene's books I've read so far, but this book is sooo poorly-written I'm just kind of blown away. The prose itself is fine, nothing special, but in general not cringe-worthy, but the fact that this book seems to have been entirely conceived long after the first two were written is sort of troublesome. Use a fucking outline, Lurlene.

So of course Leah's missin' her man soooo much, so she decides to spend the week after Christmas with Kathy in Nappanee. Considering Neil's health, I'm sort of surprised her mom just lets her go, but she does, and YAY ETHAN. Or something. These kids are mighty happy to see each other, but there have been a lot of changes for Ethan. He got his drivers license! And now he lives in Football Hands's party apartment. Leah also learns that Charity is so pissed off about Football Hands's rumspringa doings that she won't date him any longer. Charity, you were the one so eager for an, albeit, temporary English makeover, but, whatever. I'm just glad she's come to her senses about him.

Leah and Ethan attend an Amish-acting-English party while she's there, and Ethan confides in her that he wants her help to track down his shunned brother Eli. Wait, this clarifies that since Eli was never technically baptized, he isn't technically being shunned. So basically, him and his family are just assholes. Leah agrees to help, and says they'll go to Neil, because Neil knows how to do everything. You know, I really like Neil, and I like the relationship between Leah and Neil, but I'm not crazy about how Leah and her mom were totes helpless before the big, strong, rich man came along and made them a proper family, or how Leah goes to Neil for basically everything now. Couldn't there be anything Leah's mom is good at, besides saying dumbass things to medical professionals? Whatever, I'm wanting way too much out of the Lurleneverse.

So of course Leah doesn't want to leave, and Ethan doesn't want her to, but obviously she has to. So Leah comes up with the genius idea that Ethan can come back with her and stay in her basement for awhile. Someone's been watching too much Roseanne! Ethan agrees, and they go to tell his parents. His father's reaction involves a description of his big hands which, seriously, WTF is up with all the big hands in this series? His mother offers up this advice:

"Remember the words of our Lord," she said. "'You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?'"

I know it's a metaphor, and it's from the bible, but, please, salt CANNOT lose its saltiness, okay? It is saltiness embodied! I mean... it's SALT. Way to choose a weird passage, Ethan's mom.

Finally they leave right away for Leah's. When they arrive, the power's out, so of course Ethan's all YEAH IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME YOU CRAZY ENGLISH PERSON I DON'T NEED NO STINKING ELECTRICITY.

How do they keep warm?

"We can do as the Amish do," Ethan said. "We can bundle."

"How do we bundle?"

"It's an old Amish custom, not always approved of by parents and elders. But when dating, a boy and his girl will lie in bed together. They do not remove their clothes, but they spend the night in each other's arms."

Leah's jaw dropped. "This is an Amish custom?"

"Sex without marriage is forbidden," Ethan quickly added.

"I'd guess so. But--wow--doesn't bundling sort of invite trouble?"

Ethan chuckled. "Winters are long and very cold. Amish couples do it to keep warm."

Yeeeeaahhh, I'm sure they do. You know what else keeps you warm, and doesn't require any electricity unless you've got some specific fetishes?

Finally the power comes back on, and Leah and Ethan have New Year's with lots of TV and junk food. Sound ideal! Leah's mom and Neil arrive home to find them asleep in front of the TV and are TOTES PISSED. They assume the kids were doin' it and... got dressed and fell asleep... in the living room... with a bunch of junk food? Also, um, if you guys are that freaked about the possibility of Leah having sex, WHY DID YOU LET HER RENT AN APARTMENT ALONE FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BEING NEAR HER BOYFRIEND?

Are you guys sick of me pointing out what a shoddily-written trilogy this is yet? Because this is a really shoddily-written trilogy.

Luckily Neil steps in (YAY NEIL ALL-POWERFUL MAN CREATURE) and believes Leah and gets Leah's mom to believe her too. Ethan gets to stay and help around the house. He's put in charge with taking care of Neil's prized cars, so that Neil can keep them but in the condition they deserve.

Leah tells her mom she's helping Ethan find his brother because she too knows what it's like lack for a family. Her mom's all "I WAS your family!" and Leah actually says, "You worked." OH MY GOD. NO, LEAH, NO, THAT IS SO NOT OKAY TO SAY. YOUR MOM LOVED YOU AND WANTED THE BEST FOR YOU AND GUESS WHAT NONE OF THAT IS FUCKING FREE.

So Ethan gets a part-time job with the local vet, because he is so good with animals and loves them so much (first I'm hearing of it, but fine). He's really settling into this English lifestyle, and Leah's fam loves him! But that's the only good thing goin' for Leah's family; Neil's cancer is back! It's worse! OH NOES! Neil tells her she'll have to take care of her mother, who'll be in denial (SHOCKING I KNOW), and then goes on to tell her the whole reason her mother left her father is that her father suffered from paranoia and was dangerous!! Her beloved grandmother thought her mom was totes wrong and tried to sue for custody! That's why there was all that pesky estrangement! Leah's mind is BLOWN. Goddammit, doesn't anyone in this family ever talk to each other? Good thing Neil is around.

Leah confronts her mother, and learns her mother kept marrying richer and richer men to improve their station in life. And she's all "Oh, okay then!" WHAT? So you totes disrespect her for WORKING, but marrying for money is cool? This is pretty fucked up stuff.

(By the way, randomly, Lurlene refers to gossip at school as "scuttlebutt". PLEASE TELL ME ONE HIGH-SCHOOLER YOUNGER THAN ONE-HUNDRED WHO HAS EVER SAID THIS.)

Neil tracked down Eli! Of course he did; Neil can do anything. It was really difficult because Eli changed his name to Elias. Oh, yeah, that'd complicate things. Seriously, there is no mention of the internet in this book, and since it was written in 1999, that's wicked stupid. Lurlene, you are frustrating me somethin' fierce.

Ethan and Leah go to visit Eli/as, and the boys are totes thrilled to see each other. Eli/as has a wife, Camille, who's a Mennonite, a fact Ethan knows would piss off his parents. THOSE HEATHEN RULE-BENDING MENNONITES. Eli/as and Camille have two sons, Timmy and Jason. Eli/as is soooo over being Amish, but Ethan urges him to at least visit the fam again, since he was not OFFICIALLY shunned. Eli/as isn't up for it. But Eli/as urges Leah to go to college, and Leah urges him to talk to his family, and they both promise to consider the other's POV. Okay then!

When Leah and Ethan arrive home, they find a note that Neil is in the hospital. OH NOES. Though does anyone have a cell phone in the Lurleneverse? If my daughter drove around as much as Leah does AND HAD ONCE HAD CANCER I'd give her a fucking cell phone. Also think of all the fun Lurlene could have had making Ethan amazed at the technology of a cell phone!

So Neil is going to die. Oh DAMN. Despite him being, like, proof that every family needs a man to make it count, I actually like Neil. After he dies, Leah says, "I love you, Neil," then realizes that name isn't "enough" and calls him Daddy. It's sweet, except there's nothing lacking about, ya know, calling someone Neil v. Daddy. Right? I dunno. It's not like Leah's mom calls him some special love-name instead of Neil, right? Why am I getting hung up on this, it's such a nice moment! I guess I just think stepparents can be just as loved as parents, and you don't have to say they've moved on from being "just" a stepparent to get that kind of love. Well, you know, outside of the Lurleneverse.

Leah finds out Neil left all his cars to her with instructions to sell them so she can go to college. Neil, that's pretty awesome of you. Aren't you shocked, Neil, that Gabriella didn't show up to usher you into heaven? I mean, it happened to Rebekah, and also this is a friggin' ANGELS TRILOGY with NO SIGN OF AN ANGEL IN THE CONCLUSIVE VOLUME YET. You guyyyys, this is such sloppy writing.

Leah is anxious to share her news with Ethan, but when she finds him... HE'S DRESSED AMISH. Oh man! You can take the boy out of Nappanee, but you can't take the Nappanee out of the boy. He promises her she was not part of his fling, but part of his life, and says she'll be in his heart "until angels close [his] eyes". WHAT? THAT IS ALL THE ANGELNESS WE'RE GETTING IN THIS BOOK? There is a fucking DEATH and yet this is IT? Lurlene, geez, this is pathetic. I had no clue I could still find it within my heart to be disappointed in you.

Except... the book ends with Leah realizing her and her mom ARE a family, just the two of them. FINALLY LEAH! FUCKING FINALLY! It took you long enough, and was not exactly the kind of conclusion this book called for since, you know, THERE WEREN'T ANY GODDAMN ANGELS.

I'm just shocked a heroine in the Lurleneverse WHO HAD CANCER made it through three books alive. Hooray for very, very small miracles.

No pun intended.

The bible is right and your doctor is wrong, or Angels Watching Over Me

Just like I couldn't get enough of books about sick kids back in the day, I can't really get enough of the Amish. They're fascinating! I know there is nothing unique about a fixation on their culture; I'm sure lots of us share it. So basically Lurlene hit the jackpot when she figured out a way to combine both diseased kids and the Amish. Lurlene, seriously, you're a friggin' genius.

I mean, sort of?

The first book in the Angels trilogy is Angels Watching Over Me (published 1996), a title we'll discover is less about beautiful metaphors than it is painfully on the nose. What is this one about? The publishers say:

Happy Holidays! Bah humbug. "Happy" is not the way Leah Lewis-Hall would describe herself at the moment. She's spending her twelve days of Christmas in an Indianapolis hospital, while her mother is thousands of miles away on a honeymoon with husband number five. Leah went to the doctor with nothing more than a broken finger, but he ordered her to undergo some tests. Now she's stuck in the hospital, alone.

Then Leah meets her hospital roommate, a young Amish girl named Rebekah, and her big family. Cynical sixteen-year-old Leah has never known people like this before. From Rebekah's handsome brother, Ethan, who can barely look Leah in the eye, to her kind older sister, Charity, the Amish family captivates Leah with its simple, loving ways. When Leah receives frightening information about her condition, her new friends show her that miracles can happen. And that sometimes angels appear in the most unexpected places.

Man, Lurlene really hates mothers, doesn't she?

So I went in search of an image of the original cover, which somehow lead Google to turn up with a disturbing image of the always-heinous Rachael Ray all lathered up in a sink. Listen, Google, it's enough of a struggle not going crazy reading all these glimpses into the Lurleneverse, don't ever do that to me. Also, what about the search terms angels watching over me lurlene mcdaniel should induce that sort of result? Sorry, guys, for taking you there with me. Anyways, this is the original cover:



Nowadays it's packaged in a trilogy with its two sequels:



Leah's a little hotter in this one, I think. Also, at least this one gives a promise of the delightful Amishness contained within! God, you guys, I can't even tell you how much I would have been into this book at twelve or thirteen. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it's a true thing!

So the book opens right up at the hospital! None of this getting to know our character or caring BEFOREHAND, nope, why waste any pages on that? Leah Lewis-Hall has a broken finger, and yet the doctors want to run tests and not let her go home for Christmas. That's fine, because her mom is on her honeymoon with her fifth husband and doesn't really give a shit about Leah. By the way, Leah's last name is hyphenated for some reason like her mom was gonna get married a lot so why make Leah hang onto only the name of her father when there were going to be a lot of stepfathers? It's really hard to understand what exactly Leah is telling us, so let's just sum it up: Leah's last name is hyphenated because she has a bad mother. Good mothers take their husbands' names, people! Another life lesson from the Lurleneverse!

Obviously this is one of Lurlene's books, so we all know that broken finger isn't going to be JUST a broken finger! Leah's mom is being all "WHAT KIND OF DOCTORS ARE THESE THAT WOULD KEEP YOU THERE FOR A BROKEN FINGERRRR" which, I don't know, is something that if it was happening to me I'd think I'd go, oh, wow, they must have noticed something alarming and they want to check it out. Is that true, or have I just been sucked full-force into the Lurleneverse? Now every sleepy morning, every ache and pain, every bruise makes me panic. Thanks, Lurlene!

Still, I think Leah's mom sounds dumb. But while Lurlene wants us to think she's a bad mom who likes all her marryin' and honeymoonin' more than her kid, I don't think this part is supposed to alarm us. I think my mom would have caught on, but she's one of those wicked working women, so clearly she isn't to be trusted.

Leah's mom asks if she should come home from her honeymoon, but obviously she wants Leah to say no, and Leah is happy to, which makes Leah's mom thrilled she can stay in Japan. Oh my god, you're an awful mom! If my mom didn't come straight home, underestimation of the severity of my medical condition or not, I would have been pretty upset.

Luckily a super nice nurse named Molly comes around to check on Leah. She lets Leah know the hospital is totes jam-packed so Leah could end up with a roommate. Molly is jealous of Leah's mom's trip, and says that because she has two kids, her and her husband probably won't get to travel until they retire. Leah's all, whoa, how friggin' boring that must be, which warms my cold little heart. A teenage girl in the Lurleneverse who isn't dreaming of marriage and babies? Awwww yeah.

Leah's knee starts to hurt (BAD SIGN LEAH!) but she doesn't get all panicky like I would be at this point, deciding instead to calmly read some teen magazines!!!! Oh, teen magazines! She's trying really hard not to think about her grandmother, who her mother never let her see because they disagreed on lots of stuff ever since her son, Leah's father, left Leah's mom. He also ended up DEAD IN AN ALLEY a few years later so I guess he got his! Anyways, her grandmother got the cancer, so Leah's mom let Leah hang out with her. Obviously, Leah's got a lot of bad hospital memories thanks to cancer, and something tells me that trend isn't over yet!

So when Leah gets back to her room after the teen magazine excursion, she finds a little Amish girl in the next bed. Her mother is there with her, and, uhhh, I'm not an expert on the Amish or anything, but do they really talk like this?

"There, there," the woman cooed soothingly. "Do not cry so, Rebekah. You're hurting my heart with such a flood of tears."

I keep hearing her as this totes crazy voice Catherine O'Hara uses at the beginning of this deleted scene from Waiting for Guffman:



Rebekah's mom has to go home, so Leah cheers up Rebekah, who is in the hospital because she was bitten by a spider. They bond right away, because Rebekah's adorable and Leah is actually a decent person.

That night, while Leah tries to sleep, she has flashbacks from the past:

She and her mother were living in a trailer, and Don, her mother's second husband, had been gone for more than a month. Her mother had tucked bedcovers around Leah.

"Don't leave, Mama," Leah had pleaded.

"I have to go to work, Leah. But all the doors will be locked and I'll be back before you get up in the morning for school."

"Don't go," Leah wailed.

"Hush! Stop that. [OH MY GOD SHE'S SO MEAN!] I don't want to go, but I have to if we want to eat next week. Close your eyes and go to sleep."

Man, that is some craptacular parenting. I know single parents have to make shitty choices all the time, but, man, wasn't there a better way Leah's mom could have handled this?

Rebekah's awake, too, and she asks Leah to read to her from the bible. Leah regards the bible in a way I am abso shocked about, coming from the Lurleneverse!:

To Leah it had always sounded sort of farfetched. She knew virgins didn't get pregnant and remain virgins.

Leah, let's totes hang out when you get out of there, okay?

Rebekah's fam turns up to visit the next day: sixteen-year-old Charity and seventeen-year-old Ethan. (There are four more kids back at home.) Ethan's a hottie, of course, because this is the Lurleneverse. Charity's totally nice, though when she tells Leah she doesn't go to school anymore because she knows enough to be a wife and mother, Leah is totes horrified. YAY LEAH! I mean, I'm not dissing the Amish faith here; I'm dissing prescribed gender roles.

Ethan has totes been blowing Leah off, so she confronts him on this. He confesses:

"Dislike you?" He looked as if she'd slapped him. "I do not dislike you, Leah Lewis-Hall. I think that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever set my eyes upon."

Oh hell yeah! That's pretty hot, yeah? Even coming from the Amish.

Rebekah's getting better, and Charity insists it's all the praying, and not the medicine. Actually, there have been studies done that suggest praying does not improve the health of a patient. I know many find comfort in praying, and that's great, I'm just saying this doesn't exactly go along with facts. I know we are all equally shocked that Lurlene might write something that falls outside the boundaries of REALISM.

So this random night nurse shows up and attends to Rebekah, which makes Leah think maybe she wants to grow up and be a nurse! In this book, doctors suck and withhold information while nurses are awesome! While I agree nurses do seriously amazing work that I could never do, doctors aren't all bad! Also, generally in Lurlene's books, doctors are menfolk and nurses are womenfolk. OF COURSE.

Rebekah mentions this night nurse, Gabriella, to Molly the next day. Molly hasn't heard of Gabriella. DUM DUM DUMMMM!

Of course Ethan and Leah hang out, and of course he is made of awesome, though obviously HIS AMISHNESS SEPARATES THEM. Still, they obviously have FEELINGS for each other. In fact, when Leah finds out she has to have a biopsy on her finger and knee, something that should surprise NONE of you, Ethan promises to be there when she wakes up. Aw, Ethan, you're nice!

Gabriella visits Leah too, and tells her she reminds Molly of someone. Oh, all right then, random night nurse. In the morning Rebekah tells Leah that Gabriella says she'll be going home soon. Leah's, of course, happy for Rebekah but OH NOES will she see Ethan again? We've still got sixty pages left of the book, Leah, so I bet you will.

Of course Molly confides to Leah that she reminds her of her sister Emily, who died when she was only fourteen. FROM LEUKEMIA OF COURSE. (To be fair, I just learned the other day that leukemia is the most common disease kids die from! This blog is educating me so much, you guys!)

Ethan is, as promised, there when Leah's awake after her biopsy, even though by now Rebekah has gone home, and Charity helps him and Leah sneak off together, where they totally kiss. As far as the Lurleneverse goes, you guys, this one is pretty hot:

He lifted her chin with his forefinger and very slowly lowered his head until his mouth was only inches away. His breath smelled like cinnamon and felt warm on her skin. Gently he pressed his lips to hers, and she closed her eyes and sank into the velvet softness of it.

You guys, when I was sixteen, there were never hot Amish boys who wanted to mack on me. Alas!

The good times don't last for long, though. Leah's doctor shows up with an official diagnosis: osteogenic sarcoma, known as bone cancer. The next day her and the doctor and her mother have a conference call, and her mom just refuses to believe this. She won't allow the treatments to be started, and says Leah will get a second opinion once she's back from her honeymoon. Man, I think if I had a kid with cancer, even if I found the diagnosis difficult to accept, I'd rather err on the side of caution. Then again, I am not the dumbass Leah's mom has proven herself to be!

Another harsh blow! Molly tells Leah that there's no Gabriella on the staff, and she's probably some creep who gets off on hanging out with sick kids at night. That's hella scary, people! Then again, if you can dream a fetish, there's someone out there who's got it!

So Leah's mom and her new hubby Neil FINALLY show up, and even showing the x-rays to them and Leah won't change her mind. She insists the biopsy be done again. OH MY GOD SURE JUST LET THE CANCER LIKE A SILENCE GROW. The doctor also says sometimes amputations are necessary, and then Leah's mom flies off the handle, all "HOW DARE YOU WANT TO CHOP APART MY DAUGHTER?" and I think she's overreacting, because he said SOMETIMES, but then he's all, yeah, sucks, but that's the best thing to do, so basically I think that not only is Leah's mom an awful mother, but he's a terrible doctor for giving such vague medical advice. I'm sorry, but saying sometimes amputation is best as news that it's necessary is craptastic communication. Way to go! No wonder Lurlene only roots for the nurses in this one.

Leah's mom actually has a nice moment afterwards and apologizes for how she dealt with the whole sitch with Leah's grandmother, back in the day. Since she knows she made such a mistake, she tells Leah she won't make a mistake with this. Like, uh, leaving your daughter's cancer untreated? Oh, no, a DIFFERENT mistake. SORRY FOR MY MISUNDERSTANDING.

Ethan visits, and they smooch some more, and hang out until Leah falls asleep. When she awakens, someone's there, but it's not Ethan. It's creepy Gabriella!!!! Leah hits the call button right away, but Gabriella insists she isn't there to hurt Leah, but to help her. She tells her to go to the hospital library the next day to find a book Molly really wants. Also, she touches Leah's knee and her finger and does this whole "DO YOU WANT GOD TO MAKE YOU BETTER?" thing that I find really creepy, but I know it's supposed to be magical and wonderful.

WELL YOU TOTALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT?

The book that Leah and Ethan find in the library is EMILY'S DIARY that Molly has been looking for FOREVER. And the results come back and Leah's tumors have gotten smaller. And then SHE KNOWS. That's right, folks, Gabriella is an angel!!! And she totes cured Leah with some power from god! And then Leah's mom gets to get up in Leah's doctor's grill and be all SEE I TOLD YOU MY DAUGHTER WASN'T THAT SICK!

What a terrible friggin' lesson. I'm sorry, if you get diagnosed with cancer, there is probably not an angel who's going to cure you, and the mistake made would not be errant chemo, but IGNORING A SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION AGAINST THE ADVICE OF MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. I find it really troubling that Lurlene wrote a book where basically doctors are the enemy.

By the end of the book, Leah's totally into the bible, of course! Okay, I guess a magic curing angel might change my beliefs too, and, ugh, I know this is technically inspirational fiction, but after all the volumes Lurlene has devoted to painstakingly realistic medical crap, what a friggin' cop-out. I know it sucks that all of Lurlene's heroines tend to die, but is this really the way to save them? Lurlene, you've let me down in yet another new way! I'm gonna have to console myself with some teen magazines.

The only thing worse than cancer is a working mother, or Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

It was a fateful day. I was thirteen and prowling the back corner of the local used bookstore. I can't tell you what inspired me to pull a book by an author I'd never heard of before from the shelf, but I recall the excitement I felt upon reading the synopsis of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep (published 1991).

I mean, really, who could resist this?:

Sometimes Carrie Blake feels she just can't stand life's problems or pain. At fifteen, she's had leukemia for three years, and although the disease is in remission, she's never sure when things might change. Her parents, whose bitter divorce has left Carrie feeling torn between them, don't seem to understand how much harder they make her daily life.

When Carrie meets Keith Gardner at a cancer support group, everything seems brighter. Keith and his loving supportive family are wonderful to Carrie. Then Keith's illness worsens and he knows he can no longer fight off dying. Armed with love of family and friends, Keith chooses to participate in a hospice program, which allows him to remain at home instead of in the hospital. Carrie feels helpless as she watches Keith slip away. Will Keith's courage help Carrie to face her own uncertain future?

Lurlene gives us quite an expositiony start. We meet Carrie, who we're supposed to like. Listen, people, Carrie is strong! She's only fifteen! She friggin' beat leukemia! Have YOU beat leukemia lately? Yeah, that's what I thought.

You know who has been no help at all with this leukemia crap? That's right, Carrie's family. Carrie's family, in four words, both sucks and blows. Listen, I know there are some crappy parents out there, and I know there are lots of people who deal with illness really badly, but I don't buy this, Lurlene. Bad parents might drop a kid off at the mall and not check in for awhile, but I find it highly unlikely they'd, ya know, drop a kid off at the freaking HOSPITAL and not hang around. This, Carrie, is a legitimate complaint.

Carrie, however, also hates that this leukemia stress lead to her parents getting divorced because now her mom only seems concerned with WORKING FULL-TIME. Uhhh, Carrie, would you like to explain to me how a single woman is supposed to support a teenage daughter (as well as, I dunno, provide some resources for Carrie's younger brother who lives with Carrie's dad and stepmom) without working full-time? I only have to support a dog, and I need to work full-time! What kind of magical world does Carrie live in?

I love this description of Carrie's mother:

Carrie looked at her mother, at the stylish blouse and new-wave haircut, pearl earrings and expensive heels.

NEW-WAVE HAIRCUT? What does it look like? This?


Or this?


Also, is she just wearing earrings, a blouse, and heels? GET SOME PANTS WOMAN!

At first I thought Carrie was just being bratty and that we were supposed to realize that.

"What do you want, Mom?"

Mrs. Blake closed her eyes and leaned against the sagging porch railing. "I want to succeed in my job. I want to travel and dress pretty and be with exciting people."

These aren't actually unreasonable wants, yeah? I mean, just because a woman has kids doesn't mean she can't have other desires on top of, ya know, that her kids are happy and provided for, etc. But that's not what Lurlene thinks! Carrie's mom cares about work INSTEAD of her kids! I mean, geez, can you imagine anything more selfish than a woman who has a job and ENJOYS IT?

Does Lurlene actually believe that single women work full-time so they can wear hot clothes and escape parental responsibility? I'm offended on two levels. I mean, right away there's the fact that most people who only have themselves to support have to work, yeah? Where else are you going to get the money for rent/mortgage, car payments, food, clothing (and I'm not talking "pretty clothes", I just mean that we're living in a society where nudity generally isn't an option), etc.? It's not some big selfish choice! Trust me, if I could support myself writing blog posts and working on my book while I catch marathons of America's Next Top Model, I'd be doing it. There's also the fact that many people ENJOY their careers! Carrie's mom says she loves her job! Oh what wicked ways! I guess only dudes can enjoy their jobs without being selfish jerks.

Carrie goes to spend the weekend at her dad and stepmom's place. Her dad is all manly-man, which means he isn't into stuff like feelings or talking. In the Lurleneverse, this is fine. Her stepmom, Lynda, is basically the most perfect person to have ever walked the face of the earth. She cares about Carrie, doesn't mind shuttling her around while Carrie's mom is content for fifteen-year-old Carrie to ride the city bus. See, depending on where this is supposed to take place, that's either terrible parenting or "meh". I grew up in St. Louis, and I wouldn't put a kid on a bus alone, but in cities where public transportation is better, that's fine, yeah? Whatever, just remember, Carrie's mom bad, Lynda AWESOME.

At her cancer support group, Carrie talks to Keith, who is a baseball-playing hottie from her high school. Also, obviously, a cancer survivor too. He's all into baseball and classical guitar, and she tells him how she's into stand-up comedy. They plan on appearing on the Tonight Show together. Is Carrie ready for the big leagues? You tell me:

"What's soft and white and covered with hair?" she asked.

"I give up."

"Your pillow after two weeks of chemo."

Keith groaned.

"Why did Dracula ignore the boy with cancer?" She didn't wait for his answer, saying, "Bad blood between them."

I'd like to believe that even my own case of cancer wouldn't make me laugh at those jokes.

Keith is also into his super family. His parents, of course, are still married, and he has tons of sisters and a little brother. He goes on and on about how superfriggincallifragiawesome they are, while Carrie's all ashamed about her broken home and her shitty parents. I thought this section was to teach us that Keith should shut his big yap and learn families are all different, but actually this is just so we know without a doubt how much Carrie's parents suck.

Of course Keith's whole family comes to the big cancer picnic thrown by the cancer support group, while Carrie is stuck there alone. Luckily the Gardners totes include her, BECAUSE THEY ARE PERFECT, which is awesome timing because this happens while Keith is pitching in the baseball game:

Carrie saw the ball leave his hand. She heard the bat crack against it, saw the ball head straight toward the pitcher's mound and strike Keith hard in the shoulder. She heard Keith's wail of pain and saw him collapse onto the dirt mound like a broken doll.

For some reason, I recall this section really vividly, the whole imagery with Keith collapsing like a broken doll. I've a feeling at thirteen I believed that constituted good writing. Okay, to be fair, it - unlike most of the rest of this book - doesn't entirely suck.

Keith is rushed to the hospital, there are tons of tests, and it's discovered he has cancer!!!!! Don't worry, guys, you can't catch cancer from sports activities, the doctors just discovered a mass in his abdomen WHILE THEY WERE FIXING HIS SHOULDER. I guess that's good doctoring! I feel like a lot of doctors probably wouldn't have checked, so lucky you, Keith Gardner. Oh, except for the part where you have cancer and you're going to die.

Keith's dying wish is to spend time at his family cabin in the country. He asks along Carrie, of course. You know, I have to say, I like that they're good friends who obviously would have dated under different circumstances but don't. A lot of writers wouldn't have been able to resist that hook-up. I mean, Carrie still does basically let her life revolve around a boy, which I don't love seeing in YA lit, but at least it's because he's dying and not because he has perfect blue eyes or something.

Anyways, they get all in touch with nature (minds out of the gutter, kids, I told you there was no hook-up!), and Keith teaches Carrie guitar. Also, this brilliant exchange happens:

Keith rose slowly, painfully, by Carrie's estimation. But his voice was light. "So they send out a hound dog to find us."

"A dog!" Holly cried. "You call me a dog? Prepare to die, fiend!" She ran toward him, feigning terrible retaliation but stopped short in front of him, realizing what she'd said.

Keith reached out and touched his sister's cheek. "That's why I came here to the cabin," he said tenderly. "That's why I came."

!!!!

Carrie gets back from the trip and has to hang out with her mom's boyfriend. He is totes awful! He is super into money and finance and organization! Because I totally know real dudes who have conversations like this:

"I've been telling your mother that she needs to consider some investments so that she can contribute toward your future and her retirement," Larry said, as if Carrie hadn't spoken at all. "Everyone needs a nest egg, and saving even a hundred dollars a month can add up over time." He'd cut his meat into small, neat squares and was now methodically slicing his potato. [Like a serial killer?]

"Let's see," he mused. "You're fifteen now, and say you begin college in September, three years from now. That's approximately thirty-nine months [no, it isn't...?], and at one hundred a month, why that would be close to four thousand dollars saved." He smiled at Faye. "That plus federal assistance would give Carrie a good start toward a top-notch education."

. . .

He glanced thoughtfully around the room. "You own your own home, and that's an asset. It seems like quite a large house though. How much room can two females living alone [whyyyy would you phrase it like that, Larry, you are sooooo creepy] really need?"

The thing is, he does have a good point about the house! But that's the last time I'm taking your side, Larry.

Carrie spends more time with Lynda, who is always good for a ride to see Keith. Lynda tells Carrie she TOTALLY GETS IT because she too is from a broken home!:

Lynda sighed and added, "That's why I put off getting married for so long. I'd promised myself that I'd never get divorced, and that if I ever had a family, I'd stay home with them."

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THIS PART MAKES ME SO ANGRY. You know what, Lynda?? Your parents didn't fucking get divorced because your mom worked! And you not working so you can be there for your friggin' STEPKIDS WHO ARE IN ELEMENTARY AND HIGH SCHOOL RESPECTIVELY IS JUST STUPID OKAY IT DOESN'T MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON THAN CARRIE'S MOM WHO IS SINGLE AND DOESN'T HAVE THE LUXURY OF NOT WORKING AND OH MY GOD LYNDA UP UNTIL THIS I THOUGHT YOU WERE AWESOME BUT NOW ALAS THIS TIME MUST COME TO AN END.

So of course Keith dies all peacefully, and the Gardners handle it perfectly! Carrie's mom, selfish bitch that she is, sells the giant house to get a smaller place. Carrie decides to stay with her dad and Lynda. Given those options, I think I'd hop aboard the only-bad-moms-make-you-ride bus and get the hell out of town. Then again, I'm one of those selfish single full-time-employed jezebels.