Sex is the worst thing you can do, just beyond showing your stomach, or Prey

Ever since I heard about Prey (published 2008), Lurlene's newest book, I have been dying/terrified to read it. The other day I met up with my book biz friend Kristy, who presented me with a copy, an act I'm assuming was the first time Kristy saw anyone accept such a gift with so much gleeful enthusiasm. Thanks again, Kristy!

I have so much to say here, so let's just jump right into the synopsis so you guys know why I was so ready/not prepared in the least:

A teacher is supposed to impart a love of learning and a thirst for knowledge. It’s a bit different with Ms. Lori Settles. All the kids are talking about how hot she is–and she is especially interested in Ryan Piccoli. When she starts giving Ryan extra attention, he’s feeling more than happy–at first. He’s used to being the class clown, but really he’s a loner. One day after school, the friendship with Lori Settles goes farther than he ever expected. She’s his teacher. She’s at least twice his age. Intimacy with a teacher is wrong, yet it feels so good in every way. Soon, Lori is making demands and Ryan begins to feel overwhelmed, but Ryan refuses to even admit anything is going on. Something immoral is going on and before too long the choices made will change lives forever.

Um YEAH. This isn't a joke; this is totally what this book is about, you guys. YOU GUYS.

Would you like to see the cover? Oh, please, I know you would. Let's do it!


I was looking over this cover with my friend Mallory who's a graphic designer, and she's all "IS THIS A SCI-FI BOOK WHERE SOMEONE GETS EATEN?" which, seriously, between the title and that creepy red silhoette, I'm not surprised Mallory came to this conclusion. We were also incredibly blown away by the typeface chosen for the title; it's a child's handwriting. A CHILD'S HANDWRITING OMG. It's not like the kid is six! He's fifteen going on sixteen. Way to make this even MORE inappropriate and gross, graphic designers. Mallory and I are ashamed of you.

So, seriously, I have no idea why this is a direction Lurlene decided to move in. Do you? Does this have anything at all to do with kids with cancer? I'm not saying once you pick an interest as a writer that you can't branch outside, but Lurlene's been writing about dying kids for over twenty years now, with little seeming desire to talk about anything else (except maybe a dying boyfriend or parent or sibling, yeah?), so this is weird.

One interesting thing I really thought about a decent amount while reading the (surprisingly tolerable) Briana's Gift was that had I not known Lurlene's history, I might have enjoyed it even more. Hey, I'm not saying it was fantastic or out to win any awards, but it didn't offend me as most of her books have, I thought the characters made believable choices, and its prose was decent. And I wondered if Lurlene was becoming a stronger writer, or had gotten a new editor, or perhaps was just feeling pressure by this wave of really popular Y.A. writers who are churning out damn fine books (you can check the sidebar for links to some of their sites, if you are curious).

So if I was forced to guess, I would gander that ol' Lurlene is feeling a bit threatened by the direction the Y.A. world seems to be heading in, and wanted to feel relevant too. I don't necessarily think that's a good idea; it makes me think of a bunch of recent McDonald's ad campaigns. Listen, you can try to tell us you're all about health now with a bunch of salad options and apples in Happy Meals or whatever, but why are you even trying to sell yourself that way? People run to McDonald's when they're in a rush or are broke or just are really friggin' craving one of the crappiest hamburgers known to man (no judgment, if I'm out and about before 10:30 a.m. I have no ability to keep my car from veering into a drivethrough and forcing me to order a McGriddle).

Lurlene, don't feel threatened! The kids who read you really love those dead kids; the audience who's getting caught up with kids who deal with adult stuff like sex and relationships and the terribly difficult task of finding young adulthood, whatever that means, has likely already left you behind.

This all said, Lurlene has an intro to Prey letting us gentle readers known her intentions. Or something:

A Note from the Author: Part 1

Many of you who are familiar with my book will know that Prey is not my typical book. In fact, as it's turned out, it isn't even the book I intended to write about the subject of a female teacher involved with a male high school student. [I assume the original had a bunch of cancer too.] The book I planned was different from this one [Didn't you just say that?], but once I got into the research and actual writing of Prey, the story took on a life of its own. I hope it makes you come to conclusions, as I did. [No worries, there, Lurlene, I certainly came to conclusions.]

This is a novel I felt compelled to write and one that supports my philosophy; no one gets to choose what life gives to him or her; one can only choose how one responds to these happenings. [Um WHAT? Deciding to fuck your teacher/student is not exactly like catching the leukemia. I mean, I get what she's getting at, the whole MY LIFE SUCKS SO NOW I WILL MAKE BAD DECISIONS, but, oh man, Lurlene, this is sort of crazy shit already. Also, is it legal to use TWO semi-colons in ONE sentence? Also all this talk about "my philosophy" has totes put "Hakuna Matata" in my head. Imagine if THAT was Lurlene's philosophy, you guys! What the heck would she write about then?] This book is a study of characters who make bad choices [what a terrific idea for a book for young adults!] choices that will follow them, even haunt them [spooky!], for the rest of their lives. [Oooh, is this gonna be one of them LESSON BOOKS?]

She goes on a bit about male students/female teachers and the fact that there are ALL THESE CASES, which, okay, let me say something IN SUPPORT OF LURLENE. (Don't faint from shock, guys.) So the other week I was home on a Friday night (because I live the glamorous life) watching 20/20 (because apparently I am also eighty), and John Stossel did this whole special about the age of sexual consent. Basically the entire special was really offensive, as it relied a lot on gender stereotypes and the assumption girls can't ever really consent to sex (story after story about sixteen-year-olds needing to be protected from their boyfriends, etc.), but there was a whole section on this very topic of female teachers having affairs with their male students. It was pretty irresponsible reporting; basically at the end of it, Stossel sort of shrugged like, "there are no real damages due to this, it's not like when girls have sex with older men, maybe it's fine!" and never once delved into the gender/power issues present in our society, and why girls who have sex with older men might have a lot of emotional issues later and why boys who do the same don't (even though Stossel was upfront about these boys gettin' lots of "atta boy!" from not just their families/acquaintances but society too). Like, way to report on a sexual double-standard without ever mentioning there's a sexual double-standard!

That was a really long-winded and tangential way to tell you guys I'm happy at least the almost-always-misogynistic Lurlene recognizes that it's no more okay for a female teacher to seduce a student than a male one to do the same. Thank you, Lurlene, for that. Abuse of power is abuse of power, period, even if society grins at one and is disgusted by another.

Wow, you guys, that got really serious. You know what we need to get back to our happy place?

That's right:



All righty. The book opens from Ryan's POV. (By the way, considering Lurlene was all "I WISH I'D WRITTEN MY SISTER'S KEEPER", I bet that's where she stole the idea of ten zillion POVs (three, okay, to be fair). Jodi Picoult, you should totes sue; it was definitely your idea first to not worry about conveying how other characters were feeling and just let every single one TELL US.) Ryan is cocky with a capital cock:

"Hey, watch where you're going, turd." [You guys, if you think "turd" is Lurlene's attempt to be, like, potty-mouthed and edgy, you are so right. But just wait. This is just the tip of the turdberg.]

I've bumped into a senior, a joke, and he's snarling [Seriously, snarling? Is he, like, part wildcat or something?] at me. I bow slightly and get out of his way. He'd stopped without warning in the middle of the hall. I say, "Sorry, my bad. I didn't see the traffic light over your head giving you the right of way." [Wow, that's like the worst OH SNAP! moment ever.] His pretty girlfriend looks me over, giggles. [I love that Ryan thinks the giggling is related to the comment; I like to think the giggling is related to what a turd he is. Sorry, guys, now I want to keep saying "turd". It doesn't help that my roommates were literally just watching this episode of South Park which totes included a whole turd song.]

The guy puffs up. "Take off, creep."

He turns and I take a chance and wink at his girlfriend. She's pretty, but off-limits.

She blows me a kiss when her boyfriend isn't looking and I watch them take off down the crowded hallway. Wait for it, I think, and am rewarded when she glances over her shoulder to make sure I'm still watching. Gotcha! ["Gotcha"? Wha-what?]

So basically I already hate Ryan because he's played for serious and not for laughs. In another book written by a more skilled author, a guy who talks like this and claims to have worked out all summer on top of working on his tan, and who lives the life of luxury because his dad's in sales and he gets the place allllllllll to himself allllllllllll the time, well, please! I'd love this guy! But he's FOR SERIOUS. Stupid turd.

What does Ryan think about his amazing life with his amazingly on-the-road dad?:

"I got the new Grand Slam Poker game on Saturday."

Joel's eyes light up. "I'm in."

"It's tricky."

"Bring it on. You're lucky your dad gets you stuff like that. I have to save every cent and buy stuff I want myself." [Oh BOO HOO Joel.]

Lucky? I think. It's a bribe, Joel, my man. Dad buys me stuff because he sheds guilt over leaving me alone so much like a shaggy dog sheds hair.

WHAT WHAT WHAT A SHAGGY DOG HAIR GUILT METAPHOR OH MY GOD WHAT.

Oh man, I hate this book so much already. Where's a good cancer symptom when you need one? Only one thing can help me now:


Whew, better.

Ryan's first class is World History, which would totes suck except it's taught by Ms. Settles. Why is Ms. Settles so awesome?:

Ms. Settles is gorgeous. Straight jet-black hair to her shoulders, skin the color of cream and big blue eyes so clear you could swim in them. Her body is as sexy as any movie star's, with curves and boobs and a sweaterdress that shows off her assets.

That is a weird description. First of all, aren't "boobs" part of "curves"? Also, is a sweaterdress part of your body? Also, let's be fair, a lot of movie stars these days aren't exactly resplendent in the boobs/curves department.

I totes picture Ms. Settles as Bernie Dexter:



Sorry, Bernie, that's totes not fair to you. I'm just saying, if I were casting the TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD DON'T GET ANY IDEAS film version of this, I'd totes ask for a Bernie Dexter type.

Of course Ms. Settles isn't just hot, she makes them all laugh and enjoy history! Also, she's wearing stilettos. For some reason, this is a big friggin' deal. I haven't been in high school for, uh, awhile, but are teachers never in high high heels? I get that I'm in a different line of work, but I wear ridiculously-high heels all the time and no one bats an eyelash. That said, I'm not around teenage boys, but, uh, don't teenagers get turned on by, like, everything? Whatever. Ms. Settles wears stilettos, therefore she is a sexual predator.

The next chapter is from the POV of Ryan's BFF... Honey. No, I'm not kidding. Her name is Honey. WTF! She hates her name, blames it on her scriptwriters of the eighties, because apparently she is named after a character in "some police drama on TV". You guys, I just spent a long, long time on Wikipedia trying to figure this one out, and I've no idea. The closest I came was some show from the 1960s called Honey West. If Lurlene is referring to something REAL, let me know. I would probably judge Honey's parents more harshly if I hadn't, more than once, thought it would be cool to name my future hypothetical daughter Murphy.

Honey's totes in love with Ryan, but she's tall and horsey so of course he doesn't share these feelings. Honey also totes hates Ms. Settles:

Then I add, "I think she looks like a hooker." It's mean, but teachers should wear cute baggy sweaters and not flaunt their bodies.

Shut up, Honey, I hate you already.

Now we get Lori Settles's POV. If you liked Ryan's description of her, you'll loooove her description of him:

Then one speaks out. A wise-guy answer that makes the room laugh. He's beautiful. Dark hair, blue eyes, dimples--not yet a man, yet more than a child. [Who else is singing this song? Yeah, just me then? All right.] Yes, I know that too in an instant. It's a gift, being able to see inside them. I stare at him and the room seems to recede. A halo of light encircles him and suddenly, I know... he'll be the One.

Holy fuck that's terrifying!

So Ryan's dad's home, for the moment, and we learn he sells hospital equipment! HA! Of course he does. He probably runs into dying kids all the time. Whatever. Ryan's dad is a terrible father; who has a fifteen-year-old he thinks he can just LEAVE COMPLETELY ALONE for days and weeks at a time?

Ryan's all "MY DAD DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE LIKE ALL THE TIME I SPEND LOOKING AT AND THINKING ABOUT LORI SETTLES" and says something so gross I want to share it with you guys:

Sometimes when I see her unexpectedly, like in the halls or in the lunchroom, my heart races and the crotch of my pants gets tight.

Ew ew ew! I don't want any erection talk in the Lurleneverse! I didn't even know there WERE erections in the Lurleneverse. I thought babies came from magic, god, and angels. And, seriously, if you want to say he's got a hard-on, say it! This weird phrasing just made me imagine the crotch of pants magically shrinking.

Man, after that, you guys, let's go to our happy place:



Also, Ryan starts doing that expositiony vague hinty thing about how he doesn't have a mother, how she's gone, how she left them, and how he knows all this psychological bullshit about how obviously he needs a mother figure in his life. Man, I hate Ryan so much. It's like Lurlene watched one episode of the O.C. and thinks she's got this self-aware snarky teen thing down.

So Ms. Settles makes her move: she asks Ryan if he and some of his friends can help her move some furniture. Yeah, I think Ryan knows a way to get some furniture moving, if you know what I mean. Ryan's down with that, of course, but shows up to her place sans friends. Believe it or not, this isn't because he doesn't have any! I expected the sexing to start with this visit, but it doesn't. She just asks him if he "like[s] cappuccino". Then she makes him a cappuccino. Man, now I'm jealous of her wardrobe AND her cappuccino machine.

Back to Lori's POV. She senses that Ryan's starved for approval, so she wonders "especially" about his mother. Just another lady hatin' on ladies! I love that clearly we're supposed to be "aw poor Ryan, his mother left him!" when, uh, shouldn't we also be blaming his craptastic dad?

So Ryan's all crazed, and Joel tells him he needs to get laid, that there's only so much a dude can do for himself in the shower. OH MY GOD! Here's yet another topic I wasn't really prepared for the Lurleneverse to bring up! Man, this book reeks of trying way too hard. I think it's time for another happy moment, don't you?:



So Lori asks Ryan on what's basically a date, to "another part of town" where they go to a coffee shop. I hope it's not the one I write some of these recaps from! Lori, of course, orders a drink called the Italian Stallion! They have all sorts of typical first-date talk, I mean, if you're a teacher on your first date with your student. Lori's perfume, again, makes Ryan's jeans grow tighter in the crotch. JUST SAY IT. Also, I hate the word "crotch". Not unrelated, I also hate the word "crouch". It's just too close to "crotch".

So Ryan and Lori keep, um, dating, which is rough on Ryan:

I've taken so many cold showers that my skin's started to wrinkle and my balls have shriveled.

OH MY GOD JUST STOP IT LURLENE. Do you fucking get that you can be, you know, edgy and relevant and honest in dealing with sexuality without just being lewd? Oh, man, I can't believe I said "lewd". That's what this book has driven me to.

It's definitely time for some of MY philosophy:



Ryan's friends are starting to get pissed that he's never around anymore and is all SECRETIVE. You guys, seriously, be relieved! Who'd want to hang around Ryan besides an emotionally-fucked up teacher? Even his dad stays the hell outta town!

Of course, it FINALLY happens:

"Oh, my dear, precious Ryan." She leans forward, lifts my face and kisses me lightly on the mouth.

I take her shoulders and kiss her back. Hard, I kiss her, and long. [Are we still talking about the kiss?] Her tongue slides between my teeth, igniting a fever I can't control. Outside, the rain drums on the glass, giving a rhythm to some primitive force in me that I don't want to control.

Her hand slips onto my crotch, cups the bulge pushing against my jeans and makes me groan. She rubs me and I think I'm going to burst. "Do you like that?" she asks.

[OH MY GOD I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE YOU GUYS. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD READ ABOUT SEX IN THE LURLENEVERSE.]

"Yes." I kiss her again, driving my tongue into her wet, hot mouth.

It just gets worse from there, you guys. Afterwards Lori's all "oh, was that okay?" and of course it was, and he's all I'M GLAD YOU'RE MY FIRST and she's all I'M GLAD I WAS YOUR FIRST and, man, it's so terrible. SO TERRIBLE. This book is so gross. Who knew Lurlene could turn me into a prude?

Honey and her lady friends are out shopping, and decide to try on stilettos, to see if they can walk in them like Ms. Settles does. Man, what is with this stilettos fascination? It's like these kids have never seen a four-inch heel before. Anyways, Honey's all, "boldly", asking for a size ten, and explains that basketball makes a girl's feet bigger. WTF! Anyways, that's my size too, and I have never played basketball in my life, and I never feel the need to make excuses when I want sexy shoes.

Speaking of the shoes, the school has a talk with Lori about her attire. They want her to dress in ACCEPTABLE attire. I'm not sure where I stand here. I have a feeling we're supposed to think Lori always looks totes inappropriate, and I do know from my friends who teach that it's best not to draw attention to yourself in any way if you want kids to pay attention to the lesson and not you, but this just reeks of women needing to cover themselves up. I mean, not that I'm defending Lori, she's clearly doing this just to make the boys want her. I just wish it was presented a bit more that way, and not "GOOD WOMEN COVER THEMSELVES UP".

Ryan and Lori are on the phone, and he actually tells her he has a hard-on just hearing her voice! I'm so proud that for once it wasn't just jeans-crotch shrinkage. Still, now I have to digest this, and again, I go to a happy, happy place:



Better now. Phew.

Ryan gets Lori a Celtic love knot necklace for Christmas, and Honey's snooping around in his room and sees it. OH NOES! Lori goes crazy and buys Ryan a bunch of designer clothes, an iPod, just a ton of shit. Hey, teacher friends of mine, you should go be teachers in the Lurleneverse, where it's apparently an amazingly-paid profession! Ryan's dad sees the gifts and is all "WTF" but Ryan just says his friends gave him this stuff. Ryan's dad jumps on the fact that Ryan says Honey gave him a bunch of it, and he's all "so do you like her?" and when Ryan says no, he's all "Well, you do like girls, right?" and Ryan's all pissed that he thinks he's gay, and also that he acts like everything's cool if he IS gay because his dad's a homophobic jerk. Wait, in the Lurleneverse it's bad to be homophobic? I guess there can be something good here after all! What a freaking shock!

Lori starts getting "cold and possessive" but of course Ryan's still under her spell. They have A LOT of sex. This book is pretty smutty. If I'd read this in junior high it totes would have gotten passed around for the juicy bits, I mean, before we discovered V.C. Andrews. Also at gifted camp we passed around those Earth's Children books. But, yeah, Prey would have gotten some mileage for sure. Seriously, what was Lurlene thinking? I can't believe her usual fanbase would be all "OH YAY FOR THE SEXING". In fact, I noticed on Amazon that, whereas as most of her books have ten gajillion glowing reviews, Prey only has one.

So of course Ryan's not hanging out with his friends much, and his grades are slipping. He lies to Lori and says his dad's around more, just so he can get his grades up and spend just enough time with his friends for them to hopefully stop being suspicious. Ryan's at Honey's, and she gets all embarrassed because she sees HIS STOMACH, which, um, Honey is the biggest prude I have ever met. It's amazing to hate someone in this book who isn't Ryan or Lori, but I hate Honey and Ryan's dad so much. What a cast of heinous people, for such varied reasons.

Anyways, Ryan and Honey are wrestling (right?) and Ryan kisses Honey. She gets that it doesn't mean anything, but it still pisses her off that he ignores her afterwards. Uh, Honey, that's how lots of people handle making embarrassing choices like that kiss. And after you were all OMG YOUR STOMACH I doubt he thinks he can talk to you maturely. Anyway, Honey confronts Ryan, so he doesn't know what else to do but ask her to the school dance. WTF! Bad idea, Ryan. Though I guess this is the kind of jackassery "I'll make you forget what an asshole I am" move a guy like Ryan would likely make. Plus it's not like he could take his actual girlfriend!

Speaking of our happy couple, they take a day trip to Savannah where they can be open about their relationship. In case you guys think Savannah is some mecca to teacher/student relationships, it's just that no one knows them there. Lori spends tons of money on Italian suits for Ryan, which, again, how does she afford them, and what the fuck does a kid need with a bunch of Italian suits? Does he join the mob in the sequel?

At the dance everyone's having a good time until Honey notices that chaperon Lori is wearing that Celtic love knot necklace she saw in Ryan's room. OH NOES! Also Lori is a crazy psycho jealous type so she doesn't like Ryan there with the "big, horsey girl". Horsey is only a few letters off from Honey, I'm just saying! Anyway, in all of Lori's crazy rambling, she exposits that her father molested her and her mother never did anything to stop it. OH SO IS THAT WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MEN YOUR OWN AGE LORI? Ugh. I'm not saying that abuse doesn't lead to abuse, but this is totally painted like once that kind of shit happens, you're doomed. I know several abuse victims within my life who didn't start screwing students.

So Honey goes back to Ryan's room to snoop some more, hoping against hope that necklace is still there, but of course it's not. So she hacks into his computer, finds all the emails between him and Lori, and copies them all to disc. HONEY! This is sort of nuts, but, than again, none of my guy friends from high school AS FAR AS I KNOW YOU GUYS were sleeping with any of our teachers. So I can't say what I'd do.

Soon they have a substitute teacher in Lori's class, and Ryan gets called out by the principal. Whoa! Detectives are waiting for him! They have his emails! They tell him that he isn't in trouble, but that Lori is a sexual predator, and this isn't the first time she's struck.

Ryan's all BOO HOO I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL AND HER FIRST, which, dude, you're the one who was going on and on about the amazing sex and how she knew things no high schooler did. Did you think that was just what happens when one waits until age thirty-three to do it for the first time? Yes, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, that's totes the work of a pent-up virgin-no-more. Shut up, Ryan.

Ryan goes to Lori and CONFRONTS HER about the other guys, and she's all "BUT YOU WERE SO SPECIAL AND DIFFERENT" which, just, SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU.

Of course the police show up, but Lori freaks out and STABS HERSELF WITH A KNIFE!!!! Of course Ryan's all "DON'T DO THIS TO ME NOT THE WAY MY MOTHER DID IT" so, yeah, Ryan's mom killed herself. And that's why Ryan fucked his teacher. Good to know, guys.

Actually, Lori is fine, though. I mean, not dying from her self-inflicted stab wound. There's nothing "fine" otherwise about Lori except that she's hot.

Ryan's dad is PISSED, and I am actually thrilled and relieved. I honestly expected him to be all "atta boy, she was HOT" and he's not like that at all. First good parenting I've seen from you yet, Ryan's dad. Way to show up at the end and win me over.

In all the fallout, it becomes apparent that it wasn't exactly a secret Lori had done this before, the parents had just kept it quiet to spare their kid media embarrassment. Um, wouldn't this have come out then when Lori was transferring to a new school? Way to cover all the research, Lurlene.

Ryan realizes Honey's the only one who could have found those emails, so he goes over to confront her. She's all EW SEX and he's all, "what if it was with a girl my age, would that have been cool?" and our lovely anti-sex Honey says that he shouldn't be having any sex at all. WTF is with Honey? If there's anyone who CLEARLY has something fucked-up in her past, it's her.

The last chapter, from Ryan's POV, is three years later. By now he's slept with giant gobs of high school girls, and admits Lori wasn't his first either. WTF! So he thinks it was cool he wasn't a virgin at fifteen when he met her, but it was that SHE WASN'T AT THIRTY-THREE. I hate you, Ryan. I have a feeling you should read Jessica Valenti's new book when it comes out.

Ryan's waiting for Lori because she's gettin' out of jail! WOO HOO! And then it ends. I guess they're gonna live happily ever after. Clearly we're supposed to see how fucked up Ryan is, and how messed up this whole situation is, but, um, I still don't get the point to this book.

"Don't worry!" you tell me. "There's another note from the author! She'll explain EVERYTHING!"

Oh, okay then!

A Note from the Author: Part 2

Now you know Ryan and Lori's story. It is fiction, but there are many real relationships like it. The more research I did, the more cases I discovered.

Years can pass before the psychological damage surfaces in a young man's life. One primary long-term effect is the inability of such men to establish lasting relationships with women of a more appropriate age. These men are hesitant to commit, and many suffer from serious depression.

The female teachers who engage in such seductions often have serious emotional problems of their own--histories of physical and sexual abuse, and bipolar or other psychological disorders that contribute to their dysfunctional behaviour.

Having studied this growing problem, I have concluded that nothing can justify this kind of relationship. These relationships cause legal, psychological and emotional harm to both parties, as well as to their families and their communities. [Was there some possibility up until this, Lurlene, that it was OKAY to fuck your teacher?]

. . .

I hope this novel will make you, my readers, think, and help you understand that today you make choices that you will have to live with forever.

WHAT? WHAT? Like, okay, yeah, first of all, while of course Ryan had a say in this, he was clearly targeted and abused, at least emotionally, by Lori, so I hate this whole "KIDS IF YOU DO SOMETHING BAD NOW YOU'LL BE SCREWED UP FOREVER" screed of hers. That coupled with Honey's whole sex-is-terrible attitude, I have a feeling that's actually what Lurlene is getting at. No matter how hot it is, sex will ruin your whole life, so don't have it!

I mean, I think that's the lesson. I love how in the synopsis Honey's grouped in with them, when the only thing she has to live with is Ryan no longer speaking to her because she turned him and Lori in. That seems like something manageable v. a life-long sexual/relationship problem! Plus who would even WANT to talk to Ryan anymore. He might do something unseemly like show you his stomach!

People, I am at a loss for words. If the lesson is how fucked-up you'll be if you engage in this sort of behaviour, why was the sex so hot (uh, to them, not me), and why did they end up together after all? Because that's like real life? I have no idea what that means, as far as these life-long consequences.

So instead I'll leave you with this:

Emotional abuse will kill you, just not how you think, or Telling Christina Goodbye

I always feel like it's bad news for a recap when I sort of shrug and say "oh I guess that wasn't so bad!" And it's with this confession I bring you Telling Christina Goodbye.

What's it about, you ask? Okay, actually, you didn't ask that. You are currently assuming it's about telling someone named Christina goodbye. People, you would be CORRECT! But let's dive a little deeper!:

Trisha Thompson and her best friend Christina are having a great senior year. Trisha and her boyfriend, Cody, are making plans to attend Indiana University together in the fall, while Christina has already received a scholarship to the University of Vermont. Everything would be perfect if only Trisha got along with Christina's controlling boyfriend Tucker, who is trying to convince Christina not to go away for college. But suddenly their lives change one night when Tucker is driving the four home from an away basketball game. When his car hits a patch of black ice and overturns, Tucker walks away with barely a scratch, but Trisha is injured, Cody is in a coma, and Christina is dead. Those left behind must learn that it takes time for their scars - both visible and not - to heal. And they must find the courage to move on with their lives.

You know, between that and the cover...:


Thanks, back-cover-copywriter! Thank you cover designer! Now I already know the plot of HALF THE BOOK. I mean, I guess the second you start reading, with a title like Telling Christina Goodbye, once you meet a character named Christina you're picturing death over her shoulder. So basically everyone involved at this stage of the game should have been fired.

This isn't to say that one is ever really THAT surprised getting immersed in the Lurleneverse. You know there's gonna be death or at least severe injury/disease. Yeah? But that's more like knowing if you pick up a romance novel there's gonna be some kissing, a plot contrivance to separate our lovers, and then ANOTHER plot contrivance to bring them back. Wouldn't the equivalent be a book called Getting Engaged to Bob Loblaw where the back-cover copy listed exactly the steps to Bob Loblaw gettin' down on one knee and pulling out that ring from Jared? Sure, that was to be expected BUT DID YOU HAVE TO LAY IT ALL OUT FOR US GEEEEEEZ.

Okay, back in the Lurleneverse, we meet Trisha and her best friend Christina, both high school seniors. Oooh, Christina, despite your young age, I'm worried about your fate! Anyways, Christina is locked in a bathroom stall crying about her dumbass of a boyfriend Tucker. I HATE TUCKER!!! See, these kids live in the middle of nowhere, Illinois (hey, I used to live near there!), and Christina just got this awwwwesome scholarship to the U of Vermont. Her and her parents and Trisha are jazzed. Good for you, Christina! I was so friggin' envious of all the kids like you who got those kind of deals while I was working at TJ Maxx to put myself through community college.

So what's the problem? Christina's asshole boyfriend WHO SHE'S BEEN SEEING SINCE EIGHTH GRADE totes DOES NOT APPROVE. He says she has to stay near him. Why can't he just go with her? Well, Tucker gets shit grades so he can only go to a nearby crap school. He thinks it's fair for Christina to go to a shit school to.

Okay so I know I rag on Lurlene a lot for her supposed lady-hatred demonstrated by, ya know, writing how working mommies are the devil's handmaidens, but I love that this is totally not approved of! Tucker is shown to be an asshole just during this short little conversation, and Trisha's disapproval speaks for all of us, yeah? Good work, Lurlene, pushy dudes who inflict emotional abuse are NOT COOL.

Christina is all "WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL BE DOING BOTH SIDES HAVE COMPELLING ADVANTAGES" and we're all "UH HELLO NO ONE IS A CRAP SCHOOL WITH AN ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND WHILE THE OTHER IS PAID FOR AND AWWWWESOME". God, Trisha, I feel your pain. I don't know how I could reason with this lady! Haven't we all had friends with douchey boys? At the end of the day it just sucks.

Trisha is at her little brother Charlie's basketball practice when stupid Tucker sits down next to her. GODDAMN TUCKER! He's all "HEY I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE ME VERY MUCH" and Trisha is all "uhhh YEAH" and I seriously hate Tucker so much already! I'm just relieved that for once I'm SUPPOSED to! I'm not saying Lurlene is some beacon of revealing truths about gender relations in our culture but at least she recognizes abuse when she sees (writes?) it.

So we meet Trisha's boyfriend Cody, who I guess is okay. Lurlene couldn't write a realistic high school boyfriend if one came up and bit her on the ass, but he's fine. God, you guys, I am so sorry for that mental picture. I myself can't shake it, but my pain is your pain, all right? The one thing I don't love about Cody is he is all about excusing Tucker's behaviour. Like, he's a much better dude than Tucker (most dudes are) but he doesn't seem to get that crazy jealous and controlling behaviour is NOT okay. It makes you worry, doesn't it?

Also, of course, Trisha and Cody have TOTALLY NORMAL AND REALISTIC couple chats and, like, schticks:

[Cody's] smile lit up his eyes and made them crinkle at the corners. She loved it when he came up behind her in the halls, put his arm around her shoulder, and whispered in her ear, "Who loves you, babe?"

And she'd say, "Have we met?"

And he'd say, "Don't tell me you're spoken for. Am I going to have to take some guy out before we can live happily ever after?"

And she'd say, "No. You're the one I want."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

Gross! Also how many typical high school kids are all hung up on this notion of "forever"? Dudes, you're like seventeen or eighteen; forever is a long-ass time away. Maybe you should go to college and experiment with your sexuality first. Oh, wait, except Trisha and Cody are going to the same nearby state school. I guess it's okay to do that when a big move isn't required? Ugh.

Jackass Tucker shows up at Trisha's house, and he's all I TOTES FIGURED IT OUT BEOTCH CHRISTINA WILL NEVER EVER EVER LEAVE MEEEEEE and he shows her a diamond ring. Yep, that's right, Tucker's gonna propose on Valentine's Day, and of course since Christina has no backbone where Tucker's concerned, she's gonna say yes, and there goes her scholarship and good education. GodDAMN.

So the four kids all double-date to an away game (Christina used to be a cheerleader but she quit right after football season SHE SAID to focus on her studies but Trisha knows it's because Tucker didn't like other dudes "ogling" Christina in her cheer gear OH SHUT UPPP TUCKER YOU ARE SO ONE-DIMENSIONAL AND CLICHED). Of course some guy Christina IS FRIENDS WITH does the unthinkable and TALKS TO HER and of course this is a guy Tucker's already WARNED so he beats down this poor dude's ass. Our foursome leave the game in pissy moods, obviously for different reasons. Tucker's, of course, driving like the jackassy bastard he is, and gets into some sort of road rage regarding some dudes from the rival school. You guys saw the cover so you know how this ends:

CAR CRASH!

Trisha wakes up and she's hurt and bleeding and was thrown from the car. Tucker is there and he seems fine OF COURSE. Some guys have all the luck! He's also lucky because Trisha can't remember any details of the wreck so she's unaware it was his jackassy driving that caused it.

Trisha is airlifted to a hospital, and from the helicopter she sees two bodies lying near the wreck. OH NOES.

She's examined at the hospital (cuts and a sprained knee, nothin' too bad all things considered) and gets some craptastic news: Cody is in a coma, and Christina is DEAD. Oh HELL. Of course, if you looked at the picture on the cover or read the synopsis this DOES NOT SURPRISE YOU.

It's all pretty sad! Cody is at a fancy hospital in Chicago, because they have a super head trauma department, so Trisha can't visit him right away. Boo hoo! And when she does, he's just, ya know, comatose, though at least that gives Lurlene an excuse to squeeze in all this medical knowledge about comas and shit. Lurlene must loooove Wikipedia.

More sad stuff! Trisha goes to Christina's funeral. She's really freaked out about seeing her friend in a casket, as I think most of us would be. Luckily, she gets this bit of comfort:

Panic raced down Trisha's spine. "I--I don't--"

"She looks pretty," Christina's father, Nelson, said. "Don't be alarmed."

WAIT WHAT? Was that actually what Trisha was worried about, that Christina wouldn't be pretty? The hell? Nelson, you're probably not a very good father, are you?

So Trisha goes back to school way earlier than anyone thinks is wise. They ask her to say a few words at a memorial service for Christina, and of course she freaks out and flees the scene - as would most of us, I assume! - and Abby, a girl who is on the yearbook staff with her, comes to get her. Whyyy? Trisha wants to know the same thing:

"And why would you do that?"

"Because I know what you've been going through."

Trisha unlocked the door, threw it open, and glared at Abby. "People say that all the time. But it's a lie! [This is my favorite line right now. It's fun to shout; try it! BUT IT'S A LIE!] Nobody knows how I feel. How could you?"

Whoa, Trisha, way to harsh Abby's mellow. Also WAY TO GUESS INCORRECTLY. Abby knows EXACTLY what you're going through because when she was little, her brother was in a car accident AND DIED. Sorry, Abby!

So Tucker is all up in Trisha's grill about whether or not she exactly remembers the accident. She doesn't! But she knows SOMETHING is up. I started to get the same feeling, in that way that I'd totally read this plotline before... but not in the Lurleneverse. Actually there's a whole plot in a book I loved as a twelve-year-old called Izzy, Willy-Nilly by Cynthia Voigt. In that book, Izzy totes knew a drunk driver was responsible for the car wreck that claimed one of her legs, but the guy and his girlfriend WHO WAS A FRIEND OF HERS put all this pressure on her not to tell. Considering Izzy, Willy-Nilly is the kind of book you just KNOW Lurlene wish she wrote, this feels a little plagiarizy. Sorry to put it out there, I'm just saying. Then again, I guess there are so many post-car wreck scenarios to write about, so maybe it's just an honest overlap. Also, Izzy, Willy-Nilly is an interesting book to reread as an adult. I'm really not sure I recommend it!

So OMG YOU GUYS Cody is awake from his coma!!!!! Unfortunately, he thinks he's in middle school. And that means he doesn't remember Trisha (OR the details of the crash OR that the others in the crash were also his friends) because:

No wonder he didn't remember her. They'd only started dating in high school.

You guys, how weird is that "only"? So because Christina and Tucker got together in eighth grade it was way late in the game to couple up in friggin' HIGH SCHOOL? It's funny because in a lot of Lurlene's books the one thing I can't complain about is that she seems to have a decent grasp on the fact that young kids might know each other for awhile before actually dating or hooking up or whatever, so this seems kind of inconsistent and weird. Alas!

Cody freaks out since he doesn't know Trisha, and she flees in tears. When she gets back from Chicago, Abby comes over to cheer her up. Trisha dishes the full story and this is Abby's response:

"Low blow," Abby said, patting Trisha on the back and handing her a wad of tissue.

LOW BLOW? That doesn't even really make any sense. Thank you for being a friend, Abby.

Cody comes home from the hospital, and Trisha spends time with him, hoping the old Cody will come back. Good ol' Tucker does the same thing, because apparently now he's a good person. Whatever. I hate you, Tucker. He promises to keep visiting Cody:

"Will you come back?" Cody asked.

"Do you want me to?"

"We were friends. I'm not sure I had that many."

"You did," Tucker said. "You were a regular guy. Everyone liked you."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? People like regular guys only? Is that, like, shorter Tucker: you weren't a weirdo freak? Also, godDAMN has Lurlene skillfully captured the way eighteen year old dudes talk to each other.

Christina's mom Julia calls Trisha, and she finds out they're moving. Bad Dad Nelson got a new job, plus they're ready to leave this place behind. Don't blame you guys! Julia suggests to Trisha that she take a few things from Christina's room to remember her by. This part got to me a little, guys, only because, okay, imagine your best friend is dead and her mom is pushing you to take things so you're surrounded by all her crap except you're never seeing her again and, oh, man, did we all just think of the items we'd take? Just me? All right then. Anyways, this awkward exchange occurs:

"I should go. I told Mom I'd be back by lunch."

"Certainly. Of course." Julia didn't move. "May I ask a favor?"

"Anything."

"Would you let me hold you for just a minute?" Tears shimmered on Julia's lashes.

"Hold me? Well, gee, sure."

WELL GEE ALL RIGHT THEN!

Lurlene gives us this great totally meta moment between Trisha and Cody, while they're hanging outside at his place:

"They say this is bad for us," Trisha commented. "That the sun causes skin cancer." [CANCER CANCER CANCER YAAAAY IN A COMA BOOK!]

"I don't care. It feels good, and I'm going stir-crazy being stuck inside the house all the time."

"I don't care either." At the moment, cancer didn't seem like half the threat that everyday life did.

OH MY GOD TRISHA THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE IN THE LURLEVERSE. CANCER IS BASICALLY YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY OMGGGG STOP TAUNTING THE CANCER.

Trisha's life IS getting better, though, despite her obvious impending visit from the cancer gods. She's hanging out a lot with Cody, helping him, and even though he's probably never going to be the old Cody again, he's pretty cool. She takes up Christina's old volunteer position at a nursing home, and she's working hard on the yearbook and hanging out lots with Abby. But:

She even filled out a job application at Home Depot, but her parents had a fit and forbade her to turn it in.

Um, do they understand what Home Depot is? It's not like she went and got a job at Hooters or, I dunno, Hustler or something. What the hell, parents?

So the police investigation ends, and the wreck is declared an accident, not vehicular homicide. Trisha is not thrilled at that news, because that means Tucker's in the clear. But does she actually, deep down, think he's guilty? Or does she just want to blame a jackasshole for the tragedy? DUM DUM DUMMMM!

Cody returns to school, and it's totes rough on him. Oh Cody! Ensuing gossip gave me basically the best example of Lurlene's dialogue trying its hardest to pop with realism and, well, hissing to the ground like a pricked balloon:

When she walked into the bathroom and overheard two junior girls gossiping about it, she glared at them and said, "Don't you two have anything better to talk about?"

One said, "Gee ['gee' again??], we didn't mean anything by it."

"Then shut up about it."

"It's a free country," one girl dared to say. [Oooh! A dare!]

"Then I might just take advantage of my freedom to stick your head down a toilet." [Uh, Trisha, her gossip is covered by free speech. Sticking someone's head in a toilet is NOT free speech nor constitutionally guaranteed.]

The girl's eyes widened [at the lameness of that threat?]. "No need to go postal about it. We were just talking."

So Trisha and Cody go to the prom as a double-date with Abby and her boyfriend. Yay! Trisha and Cody's parents go in together on a fancy limo because they can't stand the thought of the kids not having a driver on a double date. Yeah, can't say I blame you, parents. Luckily this night does NOT end in a car crash! Whew!

In talking to Cody about the car wreck, Trisha has a chilling sensation. She's all, "there were nights when the wind was so cold that my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window. There were days when the sun was so cruel that all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying out forever. IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW!"



Trisha runs to confront Tucker. She accuses him of not being able to pass the other car on the left, so passing it on the right ON THE SHOULDER where he hit black ice and spun out. He's all, shrug, yeah, I know, sucks, right? Tucker's actually confessed this all already, it just doesn't change the fact that it's categorized as an accident, not vehicular homicide, especially once Christina's parents dropped all charges against him. Trisha's all BUT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THEY THINK IT WAS TOTES JUST NORMAL ICE NOT SHOULDER BLACK ICE YOU BASTARD and he's all WHAT WOULD IT CHANGE and Trisha knows basically she just wants everyone to hate Tucker too. Trisha, I feel your pain.

Actually Tucker does tell everyone at school though! Thing is, it actually makes people feel SORRIER for him. Ruh-roh! I kind of liked the way this was handled, actually. The whole book led me to think there was going to be big-ass law drama for Tucker and his stupid ass, but it just sort of fizzled - it pains me to say - much like real life.

So Trisha gets accepted into a good state school, but Cody can't graduate because he missed too much and had trouble catching up once he came back. So Trisha's all, that's fine, I'll stay here and go to the community college next year and take care of you! After the whole thing about Christina giving up the opportunity in Vermont just to stay near Tucker, I thought we were in for a super life lesson about how Trisha needed to go away after all and hopefully Cody would understand. But, nope! That's just fine! And that's how it ends, kids:

She laid her cheek against his shoulder. "I love you, Cody."

He kissed her temple. "And I love you. I may not remember many things from before the accident. I may never remember all of my life from before. Truth is, I don't even try to remember it all anymore. I'm just taking it day by day. And the best part about every day is finding it in you." [Finding WHAT in her? Dirty.]

Goose bumps raced up her arms, and her heart filled to overflowing. [Her heart totally goes to eleven.] "Well, get used to it. I plan to be around for a long, long time."

"Forever?" he asked.

"Forever," she answered.

And there you have it, folks, thus ends our life lessons on how to royally screw up any chance of a functional adult relationship! Oh well. This jaunt through the Lurleneverse gave us more good lessons than bad, only nice mothers, and the stern warning that emotionally abusive assholes are dangerous. I'll take it.