Grow up, good god, you're already SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, or Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever

It is time to pick up where we left off with our ACTUALLY FAIRLY INTELLIGENT AND SEMI-REALISTIC heroines Melissa and Jory in the sequel to Too Young to Die, Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever (published 1989).

I sort of want to start this review with like ten disclaimers. Or maybe five. Okay, one.

For some reason, despite the bizarre sexual nature combined with the anti-sex nature and the creepy brother stuff and the thought that saying yes to sex means saying no to success and the idea that rich people can't parent, I REALLY LOVE THESE TWO BOOKS.

I am so sorry, you guys. I'm not proud. I have no explanation. It's just a fact. Basically I just wish someone else had written these books so we'd keep the basic plot but lose, ya know, the "morality" lessons.

So what's it about? Let me fill you in:

Jory Delaney has always had lots of money. But there's one thing she knows she cannot buy--and that's her best friend Melissa's life. Although Melissa's leukemia is in remission, it's hard for both girls to hold on to the possibility of a very bright future. When Melissa's health begins to deteriorate, Jory watches her friend's courageous battle and is overwhelmed by a sense of loss. Distanced from her parents, Jory grows closer to Melissa's mother and older brother, Michael, as they give each other untold strength in the face of tragedy. As she grapples with the unfairness of Melissa's imminent death, can Jory find a way to turn her anger into the hope and inspiration that Melissa wanted to leave behind?

Wow, thanks for spoiling about three-quarters of the book, marketing department!

Here is the book cover I grew up with:


Some observations: this book cover is sort of misleading. Secondly, Michael and Jory have some nice asses on them. Thirdly, Michael looks a bit like young Scott Baio. Jory sure wants Charles in charge of her, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The next edition of the book looks like this:


Uh, way to make everyone less attractive, marketing geniuses! Also I hate the creepy way the flowers are Photoshopped on top of them, especially on poor unattractive Jory. When was the last time she washed her hair? Gross.

The book opens with Jory and her mom fighting about the family vacation to Europe. Jory's mom, the bitch, wants her to go, while Jory wants to stay in town. Her mom's all I ALREADY LET YOU GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL WITH "A BUNCH OF RIFFRAFF" THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS THIS. God, I wish these were the kinds of fights I had with my mom when I was seventeen! Gee, Mom, please don't make me go tour those castles!

Jory's mom is mad because she hasn't filled out any of her college applications yet, and it's already the June before her Senior year. Wait, does anyone fill them out that early who isn't going for early admission? I mean, I started out at a really shitty community college, but I know when I went back to real school that I applied sometime in the spring to start in the fall. I know my grad school deadline this year was February to start in September. So way to panic over nothing, Jory's mom. She hates that Jory's so aimless, especially with so much money at her disposal. Okay, Jory isn't exactly the most driven person in the world... BUT SHE'S SEVENTEEN. I had tons of dreams at seventeen but they were all pretty ill-advised and I turned out okay! I mean, I get that there's all sorts of weird pressures on you when you're facing your Senior year, but, man, you've got all the time in the world (unless you have leukemia OBVS). Poor Jory. I mean, I wouldn't have turned down that castle-touring trip, but I've got your back on everything else.

This is probably just how Lurlene thinks rich families behave. Like, I'm not saying there aren't different stresses when one has to be concerned with the community and status and the future of your child who has never had to do anything on her own up until now, but, ugh. This prejudice against the wealthy/upper-class is so lame, Lurlene, so tired and old and lame. Did some rich people, like, beat you up at some point? What started this? You seriously could use some therapy to deal with this.

Jory goes over to Melissa's, where there's a bunch of exposition about Melissa being a genius and on the Brain Bowl and all that jazz. Also there's a dude on the Brain Bowl named Lyle who often asks about Jory. I don't care but I guess I'm supposed to. Melissa also wants Jory to get serious about her future. Man, none of us, even the so-called serious ones, wanted anyone serious about their future the summer before Senior year! Mostly we just wondered who'd be dating who and how heinous our classes would be, and if open lunch was as awesome as it seemed. (It was.)

Michael comes into the room, of course, shirtless and hottttttt, chugging milk and eating powdered-sugar donuts. Ever since Flowers in the Attic there is nothing appealing about those donuts to me. He's bitching about "female chatter" and "little girls" and I am so over you, Michael, yet again. Sexism isn't cute, nor are breakfast items found in books about incest.

Jory takes Melissa to the clinic, and afterwards Melissa wants to go to this secluded place which is where Ric was all UR HAI-MEN LET ME RID U OF IT. Melissa tells Jory about this but says it wouldn't have been right for her. Jory says she's been slapping boys' hands away forever. For a so-called party girl, that's a little surprising. I guess even the feisty BFF can't slut it up in the Lurleneverse. ARGH.

The next morning our ladies get up early to help Michael with his hot air ballooning. Melissa's got it planned to let Jory go up with him for the first time, but of course Michael brings along a girlfriend and Jory's devastated. I know I should probably make fun of Jory for being so hung up on such a pointless case, but I've been there. I get it!

Jory wants to throw a party, and her mom will only let her if she promises to attend important events with the family. She agrees, even to letting her mom select appropriate dates for each. That sounds terrible; I'm not sure any party is worth that. Still, the party goes on, but Melissa's all mopey there, and Jory follows her away from the crowd. As they often do, they talk about sex:

Melissa turned her face toward Jory. Her eyes were dark hollows and her skin looked pale, ethereal. "God decided that you're going to be rich and famous."

"No kidding? And I just thought I had to figure out what to do over the rest of the school year." She smiled nervously and pushed her hair behind her ear. "What did He decide for you?"

A wry smile hovered on Melissa's lips. She leaned sideways and whispered from the corner of her mouth. "That I'll go to my grave a virgin."

Jory laughed at Melissa's sudden turn to humor. "Not if Tony Perez has anything to say about it, you won't."

Melissa sobered and pulled the luxurious length of hair over her shoulder and stroked it. "Last spring, when Ric asked me to go to bed with him, it was the funniest feeling. [Like when you climbed the ropes in gym class?] I mean, I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to know what it felt like. To be with a guy that way." Jory squirmed in the sand. She'd seen enough movies and read enough books to have wondered the same thing. [Wait, "squirmed"? What, is she all hot and bothered and sex-curious? WTF!] "But in the end, I decided I wanted more than to just satisfy my curiosity. I wanted to be in love."

[Wait, Melissa, that is a total lie. Actually you didn't think you could have sex AND achieve your goals! If that had been the reason you'd given Ric, I would have been ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ON YOUR SIDE.]

Bewildered, Jory still couldn't figure out where the conversation was leading. "I guess we all want to be in love before we try making love. I know I do."

Before they "try" making love? It's not really something you sample, Jory.

Unfortunately, Melissa is mopey for a reason: her leukemia has returned. Dammit! Not that we didn't all see that coming, not just from the synopsis, but from her best friend narrating.

Melissa is going to have a bone marrow transplant, since she's lucky to have a brother who is a good match. Finally, Michael is good for something!

Melissa goes into the hospital to prepare for the transplant, and Jory is totally falling apart, of course. Lyle calls her to see if she wants to go out, and she agrees because being home sucks. He reveals that his mother had cancer, and tries to give her some coping ideas. She isn't having any of it, and he's a bit pissed she agreed to go out with him when clearly she didn't want to. Well, you're the one who follows her around school and calls her, even though she's never expressed interest, Lyle, so maybe this is your fault too.

Jory waits at the hospital the day of the transplant, with Melissa and Michael's mom, who says she thinks of Jory as one of her own and is so grateful she's in Melissa's life. Aw! As much as I hate the tired clichés of Jory's rich parents, I do love that Jory has a real relationship within Melissa's family. Of course, the moment is ruined when Melissa's mom mentions she's glad Jory stopped wearing blue nail polish, and Jory chalks it up to one of her phases. ARGH. Why do you have to be so mature and grown-up at SEVENTEEN? Also blue is a completely acceptable nail polish color, one of only three colors I wear on my toes. And I am grown-up, dammit!

I know this is totally a tangent but egads this is another one of my pet peeves. There is not one acceptable grown-up way to dress, okay? Some of us might be thirty and still go to work in pigtails and sneakers and be totally completely one-hundred-percent respected, you know? Whatever, apparently in the Lurleneverse you have to be totes ambitious and in business-casual by seventeen, but the upside is that one can SAMPLE SEX. Man, that'd be good, right? People would have to try way more on technique if there was sampling involved, much like how once people started downloading albums from the internet artists had to make each track decent, not just the singles. It is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

When the surgery's over, Ms. Austin goes to Melissa because Jory promises to look after Michael. While he's still passed out cold, SHE TOTALLY KISSES HIM OMG! Even I, queen of creepy, wouldn't do that. I swear. JORY OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT EWWWW.

While Michael is recovering, Jory gives him a glossy photo book of hot air balloons. Of course Michael can't be grateful, noooo, he has to bitch that it must have cost "at least fifty dollars". SHUT UP MICHAEL OMG I HATE YOU. What a fucking asshole! You know what I say when people give me presents that maybe they spent too much on? "THANK YOU!"

Melissa has an infection, and needs blood, so Jory and Lyle organize a big-ass blood drive at the school. Of course it's a big success. Jory should totes get into event-planning or something, she'd rock at it. Not that I'm telling a seventeen-year-old to worry about her career, I'm just saying. As always, Lurlene is queen of capturing the way teenagers speak:

"You just want the chance to dunk the principal in the water tank at the baseball toss."

The boy grinned. "Hey, now that sounds like fun."

Hey, now, don't it?

They collect a lot of money (and blood), thanks in no small part to a big-ass check signed by Jory's mother. Jory confronts her about this, since she generally acts as if she doesn't give a shit about Melissa, and she says she can't imagine what the family's going through, and she's so glad it isn't Jory. Jory says she's glad it isn't her too. Aw, man, this is sort of a nice scene, the kind that makes me still sort of like this book. Whatever, I said it.

Lyle invites Jory to a party, and she goes with him and probably would have had fun if he hadn't brought up the fact that Melissa is dying. Jory's all NO SHE'S NOT SHE'S JUST HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE CURE and, oh man, this is kind of tough reading. Of course they get in a fight and Jory storms off. You guys, guess who she runs into? DRUNKEN MICHAEL!

Okay, this book is really sort of awesome.

Drunken Michael's friend asks Jory to take his keys and take him home, so of course she does. For some reason, of all places, Jory takes Michael to the place where Ric asked to make Melissa's hymen a thing of the past. Lovely! They talk about Melissa, and start making out. Michael stops himself, because:

"If this had happened to Melissa and I found out about it, I would have gone after the guy with my bare hands."

Oh SHUT UP MICHAEL! If your sister had wanted to do some guy, more power to her! You don't get to beat up people for having sex! God, I hate you. Jory, I still think you're awesome, though. Don't worry.

Melissa starts doing better! YAY! That's the good news. The bad news is Jory's mom gets her report card and is pissssssssssed. These are not college-gettin'-in grades, Jory, geez. I probably wouldn't do too well either if my best friend was dying. Jory's mom says that EVERYONE goes to college, which is funny, given that in the Lurleneverse generally kids don't think they have to! Weird! Some of the earlier books seem a bit more entrenched in reality, even if it's a reality I don't quite like.

Even worse, Melissa has another fever. Argh! It's meningitis. That royally blows! And even worse, right after getting the news, Jory is stuck at some event with a loser date picked out by her mother. She runs out early, and finds her mom waiting for her. She knows she's in for a punishment, but she begs her mom to yell at her later. Finally, her mom is able to get a word in edgewise, and what she says makes me choke up EACH AND EVERY TIME DAMMIT:

Mrs. Delaney stepped in front of Jory as she started to leave. "Mrs. Austin called here about ten tonight, and Mrs. Garcia called us at the club."

Jory felt her heart pounding. "Tell me in the morning," she said, trying to step around her mother.

"Jory, you must listen to me."

"I don't want to listen." Jory fought a rising sense of panic. The walls seemed to be closing in. Why wouldn't her mother get out of her way? Childlike, Jory clamped her hands over her ears. "I can't hear you, Mother. I'm not going to listen."

Mrs. Delaney reached out, took Jory's wrists, and tugged. "Melissa died tonight, honey. Her heart gave out."

Even on my adult reread, I cried. So sue me. Believe it or not my heart isn't made of stone!

Jory finally reads the journal Melissa entrusted to her, and finds a letter from her. I actually don't hate on most of it, except for when Melissa says she's glad she didn't sleep with Ric so she can still be buried in virginal white. Holy CRAP are the Lurleneverse heroines into white. Guess what, ladies of the Lurleneverse, you can totes wear white once you've done the deed, and no one's the wiser! It's not a fucking law, and even if it was, I would march to repeal it. Whatever, apparently it's supposed to be A JOKE but I'm not laughing, Melissa. Sweet, dead Melissa. Aw!

Michael FINALLY takes Jory up in the hot air balloon! AT LAST! By now she has been accepted into college, as has her now-boyfriend, Lyle. Different schools too YES! All in all, I can't hate too much on this book. I hope Jory goes off to college, wears ridiculous shades of nail polish, has tons of mindblowing sex, and wears white all the time.

You're not my real mom, or One Last Wish: Mother, Help Me Live

It was with great trepidation that I began rereading One Last Wish: Mother, Help Me Live (published 1992), but we'll get into that in a bit. For now, let me tell you guys what it's about:

You don't know me, but I know about you... I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

When the doctors explain to Sarah MacGreggor and her parents that she will need a bone marrow transplant to live, she is distraught. Then Sarah learns that her family cannot be donors because they are not blood relatives. Sarah is furious that her parents never told her she was adopted.

Even as Sarah faces the devastating news, she is granted one last hope - the anonymous letter she receives allows her an incredible opportunity. She can search for her birth mother, who gave her up fifteen years ago. Now, when Sarah needs this woman for her very survival, what will she discover?

Hmmm!

The copy I read looks like this:
This cover doesn't really even make any sense, like circumstances led to an open door but with Sarah facing away...? I don't get it. Whatever, our heroine looks appropriately sad but strong, and of course the evil biological mother's got a raging case of bitchface. Bio!Mom lives in Santa Monica, so I can't say I disagree with this portrayal of a Westsider. No offense, Westside. I'm just saying, this cover sums up every time I try to go over there to socialize. Me: sad, silent, hand over heart. Them: bitchface.

Of course there's a new edition, because if there's anything Lurlene's publishers are, it's SUPER INTO NEW EDITIONS. This isn't to be confused with SUPER INTO NEW EDITION which would look more like this:



Nope, Lurlene's people requisitioned something that looks more like this:



Um, is Sarah's biological mother DOLLY PARTON? Oh man, I would totally read that book. I would LIVE that book. (Except for the leukemia.)

Okay, people, so here's the deal. This is sort of a subject near and dear my heart, not because I or anyone I know needs a bone marrow transplant, but because my brother is adopted. So adoption is this totally normal NON-DRAMA thing in my family, and has been ever since I was very little and found out my parents were trying to adopt.

I still totally remember this episode of Family Ties where Skippy finds out he's adopted, and I was totes horrified that any parent would keep it secret from their kid for so long!Also I remember that my mom, who helped out in my brother's first grade classroom, shared with the teacher on the anniversary of my brother's adoption because back then we celebrated it as sort of a second birthday, and she was all I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO MENTION THAT REALLY DO YOU SUCH A SECRET PRIVATE THING like they wanted to do satanic rituals in our Catholic grade school or something, and my mom was just all "uhhh, why wouldn't we be okay sharing this?"

Wow, are those seriously my only two points of reference? My own life and FAMILY frigging TIES?

Anyways, obviously, those events both occurred quite a long time ago, and things are pretty different now. Thanks, celebrities, for adopting all those kids! Now it's totes not seen as weird. Good for you!

(I'm not kidding, guys. I just read really sarcastic, I'm aware.)

Anyways, wasn't I recapping a book? Wouldn't you guys rather first watch the Family Ties theme? I thought so.



So the book. We open all HEAVY EXPOSITION with Sarah and her mom, who are all IT'S STARTING AGAIN ISN'T IT YES INDEED as Sarah's hair is falling out, so clearly that remission didn't take and she's back in chemo land. Damn, sorry Sarah.

Sarah lives in a small town in Georgia, so she has to be three hundred miles away in a big Memphis hospital. Wow, just yesterday I started planning a trip to Memphis for next year! Serendipity! This sucks for Sarah because her entire family can't be there the whole time. Her dad will be up soon, and her mom brings up the mystical magical story of Sarah's birth, which is that they tried SO HARD and SO LONG for a baby until she came along (then Tina two years later and Richie - wait, Richie?? - nine years after that).

Okay, I read the synopsis, so I know Sarah's mom is totes lying, which, ugh to start with. But to make up some elaborate tale on top of that? Couldn't she have just, ya know, not talked about it much? Less of a real lie than just not sharing one hundred percent of the truth? It's not like I know anyone who was all dying to know about the circumstances of THEIR CONCEPTION anyway. Not me, friends, not me.

That weekend, the whole fam visits. Richie is four and adorable. Tina is thirteen and A TOTAL WENCH. She's all YOU SURE GOT A LOT OF FLOWERS and [the room] DOESN'T LOOK TOO AWFUL TO ME like, dude, Tina, what the fuck is wrong with you, YOUR SISTER HAS FRIGGING LEUKEMIA. Tina is also envious of all the teen magazines (!) Sarah has. God, I hate Tina. I am on page five and already I hate everyone in this family except Sarah and Richie. And, sorry to spoil you guys, but Sarah won't remain on my good list for long.

The doctors talk to Sarah and her parents about her progress. Sarah's doing okay, but what would really help is, of course, a bone marrow transplant. Her parents are all WELL I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ALSO DON'T TEST US OR OUR KIDS FOR COMPATIBILITY I THINK SARAH'S ACTUALLY FINE and Sarah's all, the hell?

After this, Sarah's parents reveal their big lie:

Her father stepped forward and took her hand. "Baby, there's no need for Tina or Richie to be typed for compatibility. They're not going to match you."

Sarah stared at then, confused and dumbfounded. "How can you be sure? They're my sister and brother."

Her mother shook her head. Tears trickled down her cheeks. "No, Sarah, they're not. [OMG WTF SHUT UP SHUT UP ACTUALLY THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "actually, Sarah, they're not your biological siblings"] When you were three days old, we adopted you."

Understandably, Sarah freaks the fuck out. Here's the short version of the story: they couldn't conceive, so they adopted her, then they ended up conceiving Tina (and then Richie) later on. That's actually super common.

Sarah seems less upset about the lying than being adopted, is all I AM NOT RELATED TO ANY OF YOU I AM JUST A LEGAL TRANSACTION I DON'T BELONG TO ANYONE WOE IS MEEEE and just SHUT UP SARAH. Lying is awful, and your parents really, really fucked up. That said, adoption is not some crappy inferior way to end up in a family, and it doesn't make you any less related to the people who adopted you. Great, now I hate you too.

Sarah wants time alone, and stares in the mirror:

She was seeing "eyes of such a pale, clear shade of blue as to resemble light streaming through a window." Scott Michaels had described them that way when she'd been eleven, and it had made her blush.

NO HE DIDN'T. I do not believe any eleven-year-old has ever uttered such a phrase. WAY TO CAPTURE THE REALISM OF TWEEN CONVERSATION LURLENE.

Soon, of course, Sarah gets THE LETTER. If this is your first OLW recap, head back here to read the full text. She keeps it secret, of course, like this is the way most people would react. Actually, guys, once this is posted, I'm going to create this week's poll, and that's what I'm going to find out. So if you read this on an RSS feed, be sure to actually come to the site.

Sarah goes home from the hospital but is still all whiny and emo about her sitch. No, not the cancer, not the lying, but the BEING ADOPTED. Shut up, Sarah. Her neighbor Scott of the AS TO RESEMBLE LIGHT STREAMING THROUGH A WINDOW Scott does visit, but she doesn't tell him about the adoption stuff, because she is ASHAMED. But after a blowup with heinous Tina where Sarah's all DON'T WORRY WE'RE NOT EVEN RELATED (which is rude and wrong uggghhhh I hate Sarah, though at least this time she also chastises her parents for the lying), she ends up telling Scott everything.

Despite that dumbass thing about blue eyes, Scott is pretty smart, because he has a friend who is adopted, and is super fine with it! Also he is quick to correct Sarah on saying shit like "real mom" when, duh, her REAL MOM is the one who raised her, and her biological mother is the one who gave birth to her. Thanks for that terminology lesson, Scott, that wenchface Sarah really needed it.

Sarah realizes, while talking to Scott, that she could FIND her biological mother, and maybe biological siblings, and then she'd have a great shot at the bone marrow transplant. This is actually not a bad idea! Scott says it would cost lots of money (I dunno, would it?) but that's fine because Sarah's got the OLW money.

So Sarah goes to her parents, and they sit her down to lecture her on the assface she's been lately. She also comes clean about the letter and says she wants to search for her biological mother. Sarah's mom keeps trying to guilt trip her, all THINK OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR FAMILY WITH THAT MONEY like, uh, Sarah's mom, I know your daughter is a wench and I know you are also a lying wench, but, uh, think about this. Do you want Sarah to live? Then face the fact that maybe this is necessary. ARGH. My parents were always nothing but supportive, telling my brother that once he was eighteen if he wanted any help finding biological family they would be there. They aren't lying jackholes though to be fair.

Sarah's mom does admit she's curious:

"I wanted a baby so badly, and well, if you must know, she didn't want hers at all. I couldn't imagine such a thing."

Seems an awful lot like talking smack about someone who made a REALLY TOUGH DECISION that, uh, resulted in you GETTING A BABY. Way to be all OH MY I COULDN'T IMAGINE! I know lots of women that give up their babies really really WANT THEM but can't for some reason or another. Or, you know, they're not ready to be moms. Or whatever else. GodDAMN I hate you, Sarah's mom. Judgey McBitchPants.

Sarah hires a private investigator who tracks down Sarah's biological mother.

Sarah read further, "...being the mother of a female child named (Baby Girl) Warren..." She stopped reading. Was that all Sarah had been to her--Baby Girl Warren? Hadn't Janelle even bothered to give her baby a name? [Uh, Sarah, she gave you up for adoption, why would she be thinking of freaking NAMING YOU?] Sarah's vision blurred, but she continued to read, "...and having sole right to custody and control of said child, said child having been born out of wedlock..."

Sarah winced. Of course, she'd known for some time that her natural mother and father had never married, but seeing the words in black and white cut through her like a knife.

WHY? I haven't thought having kids when you weren't married was sinful since I quit Catholic school. ARGH. This family is so fucking judgmental.

The private investigator reveals he does this work because he too was adopted and had a happy reunion with his biological family. He still likes his adopted family, though, he reveals that HE EVEN KEPT THEIR NAME. WTF! It's your fucking name too, you asshole. You don't give that up if you make a happy reunion with your biological family. GodDAMN Lurlene, did you talk to anyone who was ACTUALLY adopted?

The investigator tracks down Sarah's biological mother in a beach community near L.A. I am assuming it's supposed to be Santa Monica. Sarah, her mother, and the private eye all go together to confront her or whatever. This plan is stupid, but Sarah thinks while her biological mother could ignore a letter or phone call, she won't be able to refuse her in person. Maybe. I still hate everything about this plan. Also this book.

Janelle Warren lives modestly in a small house with two cats and a parrot. Holy crap, wouldn't the parrot try to eat the cats? Or vice versa? You guys, I am so scared of parrots I can't even tell you. Sarah wants to see Janelle before confronting her, so they stalk her to her usual restaurant where she meets up with her politics boyfriend. Sarah's all dazzled because Janelle's in designer clothes whereas everyone back home looks crappy all the time. Listen, I don't want to be all I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN SARAH but whenever I go back to my small hometown to visit, I'm often struck with these UH YOU SERIOUSLY LEFT THE HOUSE THAT WAY?? thoughts, and when my brother came out here to visit, he was laughing at how everyone looked, in his words, ready to go to a club at any moment. Maybe my brother and I are just jerks, though. It's possible.

So Sarah, her mom, and the P.I. go to Janelle's house, though Sarah goes alone to the door. Janelle's all GO AWAY! as soon as she realizes who Sarah is. Sarah cries in the car and is all BOO HOO MY REAL MOTHER DOESN'T WANT ME, and luckily her mom is all OH HELL NO I AM YOUR REAL MOM WHO SAT WITH YOU THROUGH CHEMO AND RAISED YOU AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF and FINALLY Sarah gets it through her thick head. All three of them go to the door to confront Janelle, and explain why Sarah is there. Janelle is all YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION IT WAS LEGAL AND IT DOESN'T SHOW ON A WOMAN'S BODY LIKE PREGNANCY DOES and I am not even sure what the hell she's talking about. Is she wanting a thank you from Sarah? Is this some sort of slam against abortion? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Janelle's a douchebag too.

Anyways, Janelle says she can't help with the bone marrow transplant, and that Sarah's biological father doesn't have kids either. All right then! Sarah makes this beautiful observation:

Janelle turned and walked to a large picture window and toyed with the drapery cord. The curtains were already shut, just like Janelle Warren's heart, Sarah thought.

Sarah's mom leaves their hotel info with Janelle, and they go. Janelle shows up to explain. She lets Sarah know that she thought it better her baby go to a loving home with two parents, not one. Her boyfriend, Sarah's biological father, actually died before Sarah was born. Janelle didn't want to tell her parents about the pregnancy, because they had such pride in her.

"In those days, there was a certain amount of shame in being an unwed mother. Women didn't wear illegitimate pregnancies like badges of pride as they do today."

Uhhh I hate you, Janelle. Also, I find this totally hard to believe from this character. Firstly, she lives in the L.A. area, which is a blue city in a blue county in a blue state. Secondly, she herself went through an--I really hate using this term--illegitimate pregnancy herself. Wouldn't she think it BETTER for women to go through less shame? ARGH. I hate these people.

Janelle also reveals that her bone marrow is unusable because she had breast cancer. Damn! They at least have a nice goodbye.

Back at home, Tina has organized a bone marrow donor drive! Go Tina! Sarah realizes she obviously DID have a REAL family all along. Good lesson learned, Sarah. I still think all of you are heinous, though.

Could it be that Lurlene is... wrong?

My friend Stacey sent me a link to a really interesting article about childhood leukemia risks:

However, it is also thought that contracting some childhood infections - which are often readily spread in environments such as playgroups where children are in close contact with each other - may prime the immune system against leukaemia.

Conversely, if the immune system is not challenged in early life, this is thought to raise the risk of an inappropriate response to subsequent infections, making the development of leukaemia more likely.

Wow, so those dreaded working moms, putting their kids in... gasp... daycare? Probably less likely to have kids who develop leukemia. Take that, Lurleneverse!

Camp is just another word for impending death, or So Much to Live For

Are you guys crazy? I put up a poll, offering you a way out of the boring-ass Dawn Rochelle series we're stuck in the midst of, and YOU VOTE FOR MORE DAWN ROCHELLE? All right, I like to give the people what the people want, so here we are, you fools, in for another snorefest, with So Much to Live For (1991). Man, even the titles get more and more boring!

I want you guys to know I'm camped out in a coffeeshop working on this (among other things), which means I have this volume of the first four Dawn Rochelle books OUT IN PUBLIC. Which means I'm probably going to run into an old coworker or the future love of my life or whatever. All for the sake of this blog, people. I hope you see that this is the extent of my devotion: INFINITY.

Do you want to know what it's about? Oh, fine!:

Dawn Rochelle is fifteen, and the leukemia she's been fighting for the past two years is in remission again, after a successful bone marrow transplant from her brother. This summer Dawn has agreed to work as a camp counselor for younger kids with cancer. It's the same camp that she attended with her best friend, Sandy, just before Sandy died. Dawn knows that the kids need her, but being at the camp brings back painful memories. Since Dawn has so much to live for now, wouldn't it be better to just forget about everything connected with cancer?

Man, don't turn your back on cancer, Dawn Rochelle! It's sort of the only thing that's interesting about you.

Walk with me, if you will, through cover history:


Not to SPOIL YOU GUYS or anything, but Dawn Rochelle's the one takin' care this time, not the sick kid in bed with a teddy bear. As you can see, Dawn Rochelle has still yet to discover the joys of conditioner.


Commenter chaos_butterfly thinks the cover model for these editions of the Dawn Rochelle books is Amber Valleto:


Chaos_butterfly, I think you're right! Aw, Amber, you're cute. Remember when teen actors had actual, you know, body fat and stuff? I miss those days.

Here's the next edition:


Is it just me, or does Dawn Rochelle's right shoulder just fade right off into the distance? Was that a side effect of the cancer, or the chemo? THE HELL?

Lastly we arrive at this:


I guess this one's classy too. Man, why does Dawn Rochelle warrant such classy-ass design? Dawn Rochelle, both as a character and a book franchise, sort of reminds me of those boring-ass girls you meet who for some reason land, like, a hot and talented and nice guy and a killer job and all these amazing friends, and yet you have never glimpsed much of a personality within her. Sorry, D.R., I'm just calling it like I see it.

So the book opens all heavy exposition with Rob taking our not-so-intrepid heroine Dawn Rochelle to cancer camp, except this time she's a counselor! Well, a counselor in TRAINING. Also Dawn Rochelle is now fifteen, and she's still in remission! WOO HOO! Wonder how long THAT'll last. Two more books, Dawn Rochelle, two more books.

Oh, also Rob is dating Dawn Rochelle's old nurse Katie. Whatever, she can't be worse than Darcy, whose problems all stemmed from her amassed wealth. I hope Katie likes sexist jackholes! At least she isn't rich, though, so we know SHE's okay.

Rob's all stupid, not knowing why Dawn Rochelle's stressed, and she says it's because she never knows who'll be back at camp. Rob is so fucking dense, all WELL SOMETIMES PEOPLE MOVE OR DON'T WANT TO GO TO CAMP AGAIN and poor Dawn Rochelle has to actually GO THERE and be all THIS IS A CANCER CAMP DUMBASS. How I wish that was an actual quote. At least the fuckwit has the sense to apologize.

Oh also, apparently now Dawn Rochelle's hair has grown past her shoulders. Seriously IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? You guys who see me on a regular basis know how much friggin' time it's taken for my hair to grow past my shoulders, and, seriously, I did NOT start off bald! I don't know why I've gotten something in my craw over this one fucking detail, but it makes me insane!

By the way, I know I haven't mentioned this yet, but since it's now happened IN EACH BOOK I should also mention that the camp reenacts something with "indians" where kids dress up in Native American garb, and I know this book was published in the early 1990s, and as far as I know my high school's mascot is STILL the Indians so I guess expecting this brand of cultural sensitivity is just too much.

Dawn Rochelle notices a hot blond guy who's all FAMILIAR, and it turns out he's her dead best friend Sandy's brother! His name's Brent! Brent and Dawn Rochelle discuss the sadness and tragedy that is Sandy's untimely death, and Dawn Rochelle also mentions her concerns her leukemia could come back. Brent isn't worried, and uses this opportunity for a line:

"Well, you sure look healthy right now."

!!! Dude, Brent, now THAT is a line.

So Dawn Rochelle gets her cabin all ready for her campers, and goes off to find them. She collects them all except for a girl named Marlee, so they head back to the cabin. When they get there, Dawn Rochelle's bed's all demolished with her crap thrown everywhere, while a partially-bald girl lies in the bed all YEAH I TOOK YOUR SPOT. Of course this is Marlee, and she's TROUBLE. Also SHE HAS A GLASS EYE!! This is because cancer got her old eye. Ew, creepy. I used to be this huge hypochondriac actually, and whenever my vision would be sort of weird I'd be convinced I had cancer of the eyeball (or a brain tumor). Turned out I just needed glasses, thank you eye doctor! Way better outcome for me. Oh, sorry, this isn't about me, it's about Marlee. Marlee's a beotch! Also she's sort of ugly. You guys ever notice that in bad Y.A. from yesteryear, being ugly (or fat) is about the only thing worse than being rich? I guess nowadays you can substitute "poor" for "rich" but otherwise reach the same conclusion.

Oh, also, you guys, Marlee's last name is HODGES. When I read that I was laughing aloud and making jokes to myself like "with a name like Hodges it has to be Hodgkin's lymphoma" which, I know, bad joke, but OH MY GOD MARLEE TOTALLY HAS NON-HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA. SHE HAS THE DISEASE OF HER LAST NAME! Do you think Lurlene even realized that? Also it sort of reminds me that my dad used to make jokes about getting donation money from the charity organizations for the disease that shared his initials, and then he got diagnosed with it years later! He was all I WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR THAT WASN'T I!

Other Marlee details: her parents are dead, and she lives with her elderly sickly grandma in Columbus, Ohio, which is coincidentally the same place Dawn Rochelle lives. Of course it is. Anyways, the head of camp, Dr. Ben, tells Dawn Rochelle to be extra understanding to Marlee, with the dead parents and the cancer and all. I'll take his side on the dead parents, but don't all these kids have cancer? Whatever, it's a shit deal, and I think a lot of NORMAL kids would rightfully be pretty pissed about it; not everyone is full of virtue and acceptance like the Lurleneverse's heroines.

So Dawn is trying to be nice to Marlee, but Marlee's totally a wench, and the other campers are over her already:

"Forget it," Paige said. "She tripped me when we were coming down the trail."

Dawn stared at the one-armed girl. "Are you sure? Maybe it was an accident."

Step #1 in being sensitive to your cancer camp campers: thinking of them in terms such as "the one-armed girl". Way to go, Dawn Rochelle! Also "the one-armed girl" totally makes me think of, like, a teen remake of the Fugitive. While that's a terrible idea, it's probably not a worse one than this book! OH SNAP.

So the camp session goes on, with Marlee being heinous, and Brent bein' all flirrrrty, and, seriously, I used to LOVE books about camp. Like one of my favorite Babysitters Club super specials was totally number two where they went away to summer camp and were counselors in training JUST LIKE DAWN ROCHELLE (or, the case of Mallory and Jessi, JUNIOR counselors in training because there was nothing in the world Mallory and Jessi couldn't figure out a way to junior themselves into, like, if Mallory and Jessi ever got to tour Washington, DC, you guys, we'd be looking at two junior presidents). I went to sleepaway camp three times when I was really little, three summers in a row, and then when I got older I logged in countless hours at gifted camp. So if I find a camp book boring, I'm just saying, you've got to know how much I must mean that.

Dawn Rochelle and Brent go to the camp's Fifties dance together, which, hey! Why don't we ever have Fifties dances? I have a pretty fantastic dress OR FIVE for a Fifties dance. Anyways, Dawn Rochelle and Brent ALMOST kiss, but they get interrupted by the campers. Ruh roh! Wacky camp hijinks! I WISH.

Dawn Rochelle and the other campers teach Marlee to put on makeup and cute clothes, which makes her slightly nicer, which... ARGH! As much as I love a good makeover scene, this one is just a little tough for me to swallow. It's, like, couldn't Marlee become a more trusting person due to forces beyond mascara and whatever the kids were wearing back in 1991? (Consulting my eighth and ninth grade memories, I am guessing there was some tightrolling involved.)

So the girls all go home... AT THE END OF THE WEEK. What? Seriously? One friggin' week? From the way these books are written, I figured camp was at least a month-long affair. I mean, I know when you're a kid and you're off at camp planning pranks and crushing on boys and taking crappy short showers, a week is a bizarrely long time, but the books just seem kind of confused on the length of time. Whatever, it's not like I wanted them to be there any longer. I am confused why at the beginning of the book Dawn Rochelle was all I COULD SKIP CAMP AND JUST WORK AT MY FRIEND RHONDA'S DAD'S ICE CREAM PARLOR when, uh, didn't it just delay it A WEEK? WTF! Also she gets to work there when she gets home anyways! So what did it friggin' matter, D.R.?

Oh, and right before they part ways, Dawn Rochelle and Brent FINALLY get their kiss:

His arms slipped around her waist, and her arms entwined around his neck. Dawn felt herself rise onto her toes and her chin lift. [That is a terribly constructed sentence.] They stood on the porch wrapped in the sound of summer rain, his kiss resting like soft petals on her lips.

Oh, man, you guys, so Dawn Rochelle and Rhonda are hanging out once Dawn Rochelle's home, and THIS happens:

Dawn squealed and threw a pillow at her friend. Together, laughing and tickling, they tumbled to the floor like playful kittens.

PLAYFUL KITTENS OH MY GOD! This is the gayest scene EVER.

Also, if you guys have seen Shortbus, there's this amazing scene involving a remote control vibrator, and all the settings were made up specifically for the movie, and one, I SWEAR, was "playful kitten".

But Dawn Rochelle's ice cream fun and sexual orientation experimentation doesn't last long: Marlee's in the hospital and she needs Dawn Rochelle! Even though it's tough for her, Dawn Rochelle braves the cancer ward to see Marlee and be around for her.

So Marlee's all YAY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A TUMOR I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY OR CHEMO, ONLY RADIATION, ALSO I HAVE MY OWN MORPHINE PUMP like, dude, Marlee, clearly YOU ARE GOING TO DIE but Marlee's grandmother doesn't want her to know. ARGH.

Dawn Rochelle quits her ice cream job to spend as much time as she can with Marlee. Rhonda isn't happy about that:

"Well, I think it's weird and creepy to hang around someone who's dying."

That's big of you, Rhonda, really big. Shut uppppp. Oh, no, actually Rhonda is just reminded of Dawn Rochelle's own precarious health, and it makes her sad to think about the possibility of losing Dawn Rochelle. Aw, Rhonda, that's sweet, and totally the sort of misplaced passive-aggression I myself have employed. I'm back on your side, just as long as I don't have to wrestle you like a playful kitten.

Marlee slips into a coma and dies. Dawn Rochelle is sad, but knows at least she can go on with life, and knows to appreciate it. LIFE IS A GIFT! she tells herself.

AND THAT IS THE BOOK. Seriously, you guys, that was the whole fucking plot. How is that even possible? Picture all the unpublished writers you know, slaving over their manuscripts, crying tears of frustration as they slap their words into cohesive plots. And know that those delightful writers waste away in poverty while Lurlene somehow passes these D.R. tomes off as COMPLETE BOOKS.

Two more books to go, Dawn Rochelle, sadly we're not done with each other yet. You playful kitten, you.

I want a plot, or I Want to Live

Today we arrive at the sequel to Six Months to Live, I Want to Live (published 1987). While this title isn't one that's gonna grab you and hold on, at least it's NOT A LIE.

You know, normally with companion novels, EVEN LURLENE'S, I'm sort of anxious to find out what's up with our trusty gang. Honestly, this time? I'm really not. How did Dawn Rochelle get five freaking books? She is the most boring protag we've met so far.

So what's book two about? Hold onto your wigs and keys, folks, you won't be shocked at all!:

Dawn Rochelle has just turned fourteen, and her cancer has been in remission for almost a year.

This summer, as she helps prepare for her brother's wedding and goes to camp, her life seems almost normal again.

But when Dawn returns home from camp, she's suddenly tired all the time. Her latest test results show that the worst has happened: Her leukemia is no longer in remission. Dawn must receive a bone marrow transplant from her brother. Even with the transplant, she only has a fifty-percent chance of survival. Will Dawn live to celebrate her fifteenth birthday?

Considering we've got three more books to go, I bet she will!

Shall we take a stroll through cover history?



I'm with snappleaddict, who in the comments wished she could have just handed Dawn Rochelle a bottle of conditioner. Geez, Dawn Rochelle, take care of your hair and it'll take care of you. I mean, oops, besides all that chemo stuff. Also, really, your hair grew out this much yet? That seems unlikely.

Next up we got this one, and I'm sorry that this was literally the largest photo I could find:



This Dawn Rochelle looks pretty cute; I think it's actually the same girl as on the first version of this printing. Hurrah for consistency!

Also, seriously, this book has gotten more reprintings than any Lurlene's written. I'm guessing because it was where her leukemia legacy began that it became this HUGE THING but it's weird looking back now. I mean, as riddled with creepiness as it is, give me Too Young to Die any day. But I guess this book being about a younger girl makes it hotter with the young ones? I seriously have no idea.



Boring, but uber tasteful! I guess that's... something.

And lastly:



Weirdly enough, take out the teddy bear, and I'm all "aw, where's the teddy bear?" And, again with the LURLENE McDANIEL PRESENTS A VERY SPECIAL DAWN ROCHELLE BOOK. Um, or something.

This book also has an amazing opening:

The one thing that Dawn Rochelle remembered most about her fourteenth birthday was that she was still alive.

Dawn Rochelle writes in her diary because:

She'd learned about keeping a diary from Sandy. She often felt that if she died, the diary was something special and personal her parents could keep.

WAIT WHAT? That's the weirdest reason EVER to keep a diary. I mean, I can see writing down things if one had battled a terminal illness, but, really, the crap about wanting to kiss boys and such? That's just weird, Dawn Rochelle.

Dawn Rochelle's sort-of friend Rhonda comes over and gives her a birthday gift, but clearly it's just to scope out Dawn Rochelle's hottie brother Rob Rochelle. At least Rhonda is sort of nice. I guess. They commiserate about not having any interested boys:

"I'm too young for all the neat guys," Rhonda complained.

Dawn understood Rhonda's complaint. "Tell me about it. Who's interested in a fourteen-year-old with..." she stopped, feeling her cheeks burn. "...with no curves and bumps [BUMPS??] in the right places." [WHAT ARE THE RIGHT PLACES FOR BUMPS?] With cancer, her brain said.

I know she means boobs but WTF!!! "Bumps" just make me think of tumors. Thanks, Dawn Rochelle. I think you just have cancer on the brain. This, of course, is different than cancer OF the brain.

Rob DOES come home, though, and is mighty creepy:

"You're turning into a very pretty young lady."

She blushed and pushed away from him. "Oh, come on."

"You doubt the word of a man who's personally surveyed hundreds of girls?"

WTF "personally surveyed"??? I hope he's served hundreds of restraining orders!

Rob takes Dawn to her clinic check-up, because he wants to be a part of that side of her life. I guess that's pretty nice, for a surveyor. A few days later, Rob's ladyfriend Darcy Collins comes over, and she's all perfectly-looking and rich, so of course we should all worry right away. I think Jory Delaney is the only nice rich person who's lived in the Lurleneverse. Oh! There's Neil! Okay. That's TWO.

Darcy studies journalism, and wants to work on-camera. Rob thinks that's a great idea:

"Don't you think she'd make a great sportscaster? All the men would tune in just to watch her read the scores."

Darcy punched Rob [yay!] playfully [boo!]. "I'd like to think they'd tune in because of my ability, not my looks."

"With your looks, who needs ability?"

OH MY GOD SHUT UP ROB ROCHELLE! I'm sentencing you to get your ass kicked by a bunch of tough-ass feminists.

So of course Rob and Darcy are getting married, because that's what twenty year olds do! Dawn Rochelle's reaction makes me worry about the effects of chemo on her brain:

"That means I'll be an aunt."

Dawn Rochelle's parents are worried that Rob won't be able to support Darcy, but he assures them with his PART-TIME JOB at a menswear store they'll be fine. WHAT! When I was in college I worked a full-time job and STILL had to live with my parents, how on earth can someone support themselves and a spouse ENTIRELY off of a freaking PART-TIME income? And retail at that! What the hell kind of tips is Rob picking up?

So Darcy asks Dawn Rochelle to be in the wedding, but Dawn Rochelle doesn't feel like Darcy actually wants her in it, since she's all cancerous and whatever. I feel sort of bad for Dawn Rochelle, but Darcy's not doing anything wrong except existing in perfection. Sadly, I've hated people for less.

It's the last day of school! Okay! I can't keep track of time in these books! Dawn Rochelle runs into hottie crush Jake Macka, who is unfortunately moving to Cincinnati. Jake's all happy her hair's growing long again. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I've been growing my hair out for, like, a year now, and it's just STARTING to be long, and I started with, ya know, a short bob, NOT BALDNESS. Creepily enough, looks like Jake's a future hair-fucker:

Jake's voice dropped, and she had to lean forward to catch his next words. "I sometimes wanted to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked."

Dawn thought her heart would hammer through her chest. Her mouth went dry. "You can touch it now. I mean, since you're moving and all, and I'll never see you again. I don't mind if you touch it."

Jake's hand rose and he caught the ends of her hair in the tips of his fingers. ["IN" the tips of his fingers?? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? EW.] "I was right. It is soft."

Girls of Cincinnati: be warned!

Dawn Rochelle heads off to cancer camp. Rock and roll! She runs into Mike, the one who'd been all into Sandy the year before. Greg, the one who'd been AS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER both BEAU AND BROTHER to Dawn Rochelle, got a swimming scholarship to UCLA and is already in training. D.R. and Mike totes have fun, though this is no love connection. I am always so happy in YA books when it's not all LOVE THIS LOVE THAT so, um, good going, Lurlene?

When Dawn Rochelle gets home from camp, she's not feeling great. Oh noes! She's totes in denial, but a doctor hands over the bad news: NO MORE REMISSION. Agh! Poor Dawn Rochelle! She needs to have a bone marrow transplant, and luckily Rob is a suitable donor. Dawn Rochelle isn't sure she wants to go through all of it, so she thinks it over, finally declaring the titular I WANT TO LIVE! Remember, Dawn, you've got three more books, I bet you will!

Darcy's being a major wench, all WILL YOUR OPERATION AFFECT THE WEDDING? which, uh, PRIORITIES, Darcy! I hate you! It's a good thing you're engaged to a total jackhole; what a match made in Lurleneverse Heaven.

Dawn Rochelle gets better and worse, lather, rinse, repeat. Rob is totes frustrated!:

"I hate it! First, hope. Then, no hope. Then, hope again. And now...."

Man, don't you guys see what Darcy sees in him? He's soooo eloquent.

Actually, Rob confides in Dawn Rochelle's nurse that HE AND DARCY TOTALLY BROKE UP. Whoa! I mean, I would have said I saw it coming because Darcy's such a wench, but considering all his sexist joking, I figured it was meant to be. I guess only RICH awful people get punished in the Lurleneverse.

Rob goes back in to talk to Dawn Rochelle, who is sort of fading in and out AND SHE TOTALLY FLATLINES. We're in Rob's POV now and he's totally flashing back to all his SIGNIFICANT DAWN ROCHELLE MOMENTS. Luckily, they're able to bring Dawn Rochelle back, whew. Wouldn't it have sucked if the next three books were from Rob's POV? She's all WHERE WAS I WHERE DID YOU BRING ME BACK FROM and they're all DEATH which, um, okay, sort of! Hello, people, I've watched plenty of medical dramas in my day, flatlining isn't THAT big of a deal anymore. Whatever, I know this is an eighties book; things were definitely different then. For one thing, we hadn't logged hours of House MD!

And... that's it! That was literally THE ENTIRE PLOT. If you feel a bit ripped off, you are not alone, my friend. And this is as good a time as any to ponder why Lurlene's heroines almost always leave remission. All I hear about childhood leukemia is that the survival rate over five years is something like eighty-five percent, right? Sorry, why am I trying to introduce reality? I just never, ever learn!

Seriously, how did Dawn Rochelle, OF ALL PROTAGS, score FIVE FRIGGIN' BOOKS? Let's hope her next tome has one of those things I like to call a plot.

I'm sorry, 2089, or Six Months to Live

ETA: Thanks to a comment from Courtney, I did a little digging and found out this book was actually published in 1985, not 1995, which must have been the date of one of the reissues. It is bizarrely difficult tracking down publication dates to these books, believe it or not!

Six Months to Live (published 1985) is the first book in the Dawn Rochelle series, which of course is near and dear to my heart as it's the namesake of my roommate Dawn Rochelle! For some reason, I was convinced the Dawn Rochelle series was going to be SUPER AWESOME AND FANTASTICAL. Like, let's be real here; if I didn't still have some sick, twisted desire to read about sick kids and the minutiae of their treatments, I wouldn't be writing this blog. Also, bear in mind, Six Months to Live was voted into a time capsule to be opened in year 2089! Only a quality work of literature could achieve such an honor, right?

Will my wish be granted? Will the Dawn Rochelle series be all I dreamed of? Let's find out!

Lurlene's publishers/marketing department have this to say:

When 13-year-old Dawn Rochelle is diagnosed with leukemia, she's scared. While in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy, Dawn meets Sandy, who also has cancer. Dawn and Sandy battle the disease together, and remain best friends even after they both go into remission and return home. But when Sandy gets sick again, Dawn wonders what the future holds both for Sandy and herself.

Sure then!

ETA: In my search for the original publication date, I ran across the ACTUAL original cover, which is pretty fantastic:


If that girl's thirteen, so am I.

Here's one older cover:


Dawn Rochelle's cute! So is her teddy bear! She seems troubled, probably due to her leukemia, so I'll give her a break there.

The cover's been updated a million times. There's this:


Classier, for sure! Not sure this girl passes for thirteen as much as our first dear Dawn Rochelle though.

There's also this one:


You guys, look, now it's LURLENE McDANIEL'S SIX MONTHS TO LIVE. Totes like Oprah Winfrey's Thisever or Tyler Perry's Thatever. Really, Lurlene has risen to the ranks of Oprah freaking Winfrey, and Tyler freaking Perry? I'm not entirely sure, Lurlene, I'm not sure at all.

My copy of this book is actually in a compiled volume of the first four Dawn Rochelle books. I guess that's a spoiler that Dawn Rochelle stays alive for awhile! GO DAWN ROCHELLE! Anyways:


So basically it's the first cover with some Photoshopping. I have no idea, honestly, who that dude is, or why his chest upwards has materialized near our dear Dawn Rochelle. Maybe that tree will become significant? Also I have absolutely NO CLUE what that thing at the bottom is. Was someone building a fence and got confused? What does THAT have to do with leukemia? Or months? Or teddy bears? TELL ME PLEASE.

So, believe it or not, this is how the book opens:

When Dawn Rochelle was thirteen years old, they [they who?] told her she had cancer. She sat in her doctor's office, clutching the hand of her mother, who sat clutching the hand of her father, and stared at the familiar face of Dr. Galland with disbelief.

That is QUITE an opener!

Dr. Galland says this is the most common form of cancer among kids (I looked it up, he's right!), and Dawn Rochelle thinks:

A kid! That's what I am, Dawn thought. [All kids totes talk like this too.] She was a kid, just two months over her thirteenth birthday... a seventh grader... cheerleader for Adams Junior High... daughter of Pete and Meggie Rochelle [oh, wait, Rochelle is her last name? Whatever, I'm still calling her Dawn Rochelle]... kid sister of eighteen-year-old Rob Rochelle [firstly, Rob Rochelle is a freaking amazing name, and secondly, this is some smooth exposition!]... super fan of Michael Jackson [before you guys get all WELL THIS BOOK IS FROM THE PAST remember that it was published in nineteen-fucking-ninety-five and there is NO EXCUSE for a thirteen-year-old to be a SUPER FAN of Michael Jackson OH MY GOD LURLENE NO EXCUSE ETA: okay, clearly, this book was published in 1985, so I can't mock Dawn Rochelle for her super fandom. It's still a weird way to define oneself, yeah?]... collector of teddy bears... a resident of Columbus, Ohio... and now, a victim of cancer.

There is absolutely nothing about that paragraph that isn't amazing. NOTHING.

Dawn Rochelle's parents are all WTF SECOND OPINION PLEASE which, okay, I totally get denial, and I get being just fucking knocked on your ass by scary medical news regarding a family member, I've been there, but soooo many parents in the Lurleneverse just flat-out don't believe doctors, even when their kids are covered with bruises or have unexplained broken bones, or are so tired it's tough getting up at 4 a.m. Seriously, I really believe if I brought my hypothetical kid in with those symptoms and got the diagnosis, I'd hate it, but I'd buy it. Right? What about you guys? Am I just too fully immersed in the Lurleneverse?

Dawn Rochelle and her parents go home to pack for her stay in the hospital. Man, that's gotta be depressing! Dawn Rochelle reflects on telling everyone:

Rob... Dawn pictured her brother. He was so big and broad across his shoulders.

Uh, so I've seen a picture of Lurlene and her brother:


Were they, like, on a date here? Does she think that's normal? Is this why she always writes girls lusting over their brothers? Listen, I have a brother, and I don't sit around and think about his shoulders EVER. This is SO NOT OKAY LURLENE. We really need to have a talk.

When Dawn Rochelle gets to the hospital, you guys are NOT going to believe this, her parents are all, "so what would happen if we just took Dawn Rochelle home instead?" and the oncologist, Dr. Sinclair, is all UM THE FUCK YOU TERRIBLE PARENTS SHE WOULD DIE!!!! Do you guys want to know more about Dr. Sinclair? Too bad:

Dr. Sinclair hated leukemia. Like a person hates evil, he hated the disease.

Um. That's weird. Right? If your arch-enemy is A DISEASE, that's kind of creepy. Even if you're a doctor.

So Dawn Rochelle settles in at the hospital and meets her nurse, Fredia. Fredia, really? Fredia tells Dawn Rochelle she's gonna LOVE her roommate, Sandy! Okay, Fredia, I will take you at your word! I always trust a Fredia!

Of course the staff is taking lots of blood from Dawn Rochelle so further tests can be run, but Dawn Rochelle isn't lovin' that!:

Vampires! she thought. The place seemed full of vampires.

Yes, Dawn Rochelle, after they draw out your blood WITH A NEEDLE they take it elsewhere and DRINK IT. Or maybe it's that whole leukemia thing they told you about? I dunno, the vampire explanation seems waaaaaaay more likely.

Sandy's from West Virginia, so she calls her dad Pa. Apparently Lurlene doesn't understand the difference between West Virginia and the past. Pa was so upset when the testing/treatment of Sandy hurt her so much that he nearly took her out of the hospital! Man, parents are so frickin' dumb in the Lurleneverse. I mean, it would totes suck to see your kid hurting, but GEEZ.

So a psychiatrist comes by to teach Dawn Rochelle imaging techniques, but at first she is not hip to that!:

A shrink! Dawn thought. I'm not crazy. I don't need a head doctor!

Maybe it's just all my hours logged with trusted mental health professionals, but if I'd just gotten diagnosed with a potentially-fatal illness and a psychiatrist wandered in, I think I'd grasp the notion that they just might be there to help me deal with that. Oh, Dawn Rochelle!

Since Dawn Rochelle is totes into teddy bears, she imagines an army of them fighting off the cancer cells. I approve of this imaging technique, Dawn Rochelle! Sounds cute.

Some of Dawn Rochelle's cheerleader friends come to visit. They are totes realistic, of course:

"Gee... cancer.... What a rotten deal!"

Gee, you think?

After the cheerleaders go, Sandy and Dawn Rochelle bond over the fact that people from their "old life" no longer really understand them. It's interesting, in some of Lurlene's books, friends stick by and totally help the patient deal, and in some, they're totes isolated. Generally, this has to do with whoever Lurlene wants us to root for to help our protag learn something important. Or something. I'm sure a lot of times kids' friends can't deal with someone they know having cancer. Man, that'd suck! Poor Dawn Rochelle. Anyways, the girls get to talkin' 'bout boys, as girls often do:

"He... he kissed me once," Sandy added in a soft whisper. "It was real sweet, like he really meant it."

LIKE HE REALLY MEANT IT! What does that MEAN? Sandy, if I were there, I'd make you give me more details.

Sandy's parents come to visit, and of course they are written with painstaking cultural sensitivity. I hope you guys aren't from West Virginia!:

"How's my darlin'?" Mr. Chandler's voice boomed from the doorway of their hospital room. Sandy squealed with delight and flung her arms open to him.

"Sandy's told me about you," he told Dawn, who openly stared at him. [Nice, D.R., nice.] "My, my, you're hardly bigger than a June bug," he said, his accent causing her to smile shyly.

He eyed both of the girls critically. "They feedin' you girls proper? Neither of you look like you've had a decent meal in a month of Sundays."

. . .

His lips pressed together. Dawn got the feeling that under his cheerful words [How cheerful was that shit about a month of Sundays?] and broad smile, Mr. Chandler was very angry about Sandy being sick.

So here's the thing. I've noticed in the majority of the Lurleneverse, men get ANGRY about their kids' illnesses. Like, I'm not saying fathers don't. But mothers do too. And fathers cry and fall into denial, just like mothers. Except in the Lurleneverse! Fathers just get angry and do things like SHAKE WITH ANGER, and girls have to lie to their fathers and brothers about how much stuff hurts so they don't tear apart medical professionals. Ugh. I hate all sexism, but especially when it comes from ladies. Knock it off, ladies!

To get herself through the side effects of her chemo, Dawn Rochelle keeps telling herself, "the drugs are my friends!" Oh noes, will chemo be a gateway drug to, like, heroin? Be careful, Dawn Rochelle!!

You guys, seriously, I just cannot get over this prose:

How cruel it was to go bald at thirteen! How awful it was to be sick all the time from the effects of the chemotheraphy! How terrible it was to be tired and depressed, have sores in your mouth, bruises all over your body and to be so thin you could count your own ribs!

Sandy achieves remission (go Sandy!) so Dawn Rochelle's all alone and without her new BFF. Sadness! Isn't leukemia shitty enough? Luckily, it doesn't take much longer for Dawn Rochelle to achieve remission as well! Hmmm, does it synch up like your and your roommate's periods?

"I'm really going home!" To herself, she added, "Ready or not, World, here I come!"

Please tell me A) if there are any kids who really say shit like this, and B) why the hell world is capitalized!

Dawn Rochelle and Sandy go off to cancer camp together, woo hoo! The camp puts on a little show about the history of the land and lake, where "Indians" row across in a canoe. Um, Lurlene, didn't you get the memo? Native Americans. Say it with me. Thanks.

Of course there are hot boys at the camp; it wouldn't be camp without 'em!

Dawn kept noticing the way the two boys kept looking at her and Sandy. It made her feel feminine and exciting.

Feminine AND exciting, you guys.

The boys are named Mike and Greg. Greg is totes into Dawn Rochelle, while Mike is into Sandy. It's always good when that works out. Mike had bone cancer, so he is missing a leg, and he's all embarrassed about swimmin'! Luckily Sandy sets him straight. Aw, man, seriously, Mike, if you don't feel comfortable swimming with one leg at a cancer camp, you're going to need a lot of therapy! Poor Mike.

According to Dawn Rochelle:

Greg Buchannan became friend, beau, and big brother to Dawn. Mike became the same to Sandy.

WHAT IS WITH THIS BROTHER/BOYFRIEND CROSSOVER RELATIONSHIP? I am seriously so uncomfortable. I have never, ever dated a dude I would have ALSO considered an older brother. GROSS. Seriously, does Lurlene think this is normal? I'm all wigged out.

Dawn Rochelle goes home from camp, and even starts school in the fall! Go D.R.! Of course it's weird and awkward, and then because life doesn't suck enough as it is, she gets a letter from Sandy letting her know she's had a relapse. Aw, poor Sandy! Of course her daddy is a mess, and wants to take her to some clinic in Mexico. Another letter arrives soon, letting Dawn Rochelle know Sandy indeed IS in Mexico. Want to hear about her Mexican doctor? Who's got their money on him not being a cliche?:

My doctor is Dr. Sanchez. He's a nice little man with a mustache. His accent is soft and cute. [Cute??] I think his clinic is real nice, too. It's light and airy with red tiles and murals all over the place. There's a real nice garden with fountains, cactus and strange looking trees.

Do you guys think Sandy's dad actually took her to Mexico or Chevy's FreshMex?

Before long, Dawn Rochelle gets a telegram from Sandy's parents. Sandy died! Stop. I guess Mexico and West Virginia don't have phones! Stop.

Then the cute boy is nice to Dawn Rochelle at school, and life is somewhat better. I'd laugh, but when you're in junior high, attention from a cute boy can lift your spirits really high. Oh, hell, what am I talking about? It'd still lift my spirits damn high!

So that's the book. Yeah! That's it! You want to know the best thing about this whole book? AT NO TIME DOES ANYONE TELL DAWN ROCHELLE SHE HAS SIX MONTHS TO LIVE! Why is it the title?

Also, from that interview I just posted about:

BP: One of your books, Six Months to Live, has been placed in a time capsule at the Library of Congress, to be opened in the year 2089. How did that come about?
LM: That book got put in the time capsule because it was nominated by children from all over the country. Pizza Hut sponsors a reading program: Reading is Funda-mental. This particular year, they invited children to nominate their favorite books and write an essay why. They were going to take the top letter from each state and put it in the time capsule. They notified me that Six Months had been the most nominated book in the competition. It had won in three states. The grand prize letter was from South Carolina.

BP: Why that title versus any of your others?
LM: I've often wondered what is behind the phenomenon of this book as opposed to other books. It's one of the first serious books they run across after they've exceeded the Babysitter's Club. They're walking through the book fair and see Six Months to Live. It's a great title, you gotta admit. They just are mesmerized that a 13-year-old girl who is normal, just like them, could get leukemia.

I'd hate on the title a lot less IF IT WERE EVEN TRUE.

There are four more books in the Dawn Rochelle series, so we all know what that means! RELAPSES AHOY!

Sex or success, take your pick, or Too Young to Die

Too Young to Die (published 1989) was one of the Lurlene books I read early on in my Lurlene obsession. I have really vivid memories of reading this one (and its sequel I haven't tracked down yet, but hopefully I'll be reviewing it soon) at my parents' restaurant and loving it SO MUCH. This is always a huge warning sign; apparently young Ames was not to be trusted.

I do think this was Lurlene's first real attempt at writing a cancer book, and the reason I picked this one up in the first place this time around was that I'd just started the first Dawn Rochelle book, and I was all "OH MAN I HAVE SEEN THIS ALL BEFORE" so I figured I'd just go back to the beginning and take it from there. I mean, Dawn Rochelle can wait, right? The girl's got five books; I doubt she's going anywhere.

So, right, Too Young to Die. I scoured the web high and low, but I couldn't find the edition I grew up with. So here's what we've got to work with:


The book spends a lot of time telling us how pretty our protag, Melissa, is, so it's kind of sad they just put a really nondescript girl on the cover. If you want me to buy ravishing beauty, cover designer, you've got to GIVE ME ravishing beauty. Then again, you want me to think the hunky dude is, well, a hunk, and this guy's, like, hey, I just got my first job, and it's CASUAL FRIDAY!

UPDATED: the lovely and talented snappleaddict scanned me the cover I'd been searching for!:


Wow, could he be giving her a creepier look? As you'll soon see, no matter if this guy is supposed to be the boyfriend or the brother, that's pretty damn accurate.

Oh, right, do you guys want to know what the publishers want us to THINK this book is about? Here we go!:

At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she's even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever.

But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor's diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying.

Man, if there's anything I've learned from the Lurleneverse (and noted by Genevieve as well), the second your life starts to go as well as good grades and Brain Bowl (is that like being a mathlete?), you're gonna catch the cancer, no way out of it.

The book opens with Melissa and her BFF Jory getting up at 4 a.m. to help Melissa's brother fly his hot air balloon. Probably the technical term isn't "fly" but, you guys, I am not sitting here and researching proper hot air balloon terminology for you. My love only runs so deep. Just deal with it! Jory's going on and on and on about how hot Melissa's brother is and how baddddddddd she wants him, and Melissa just teases her instead of being all grossed out like I would be. This is probably because Melissa is obviously ALSO in love with her brother. Seriously, you guys, she can't shut up about him. Here are some excerpts:

He was dressed in well-worn jeans, and his black hair was still damp from a shower, all five foot ten of him smelling of clean, fresh soap.

. . .

Michael turned his sapphire-blue eyes toward her. Sometimes looking at him was like looking into a mirror. He had the same square face, high, angular cheekbones, and dark eyebrows as she.

. . .

Michael stood and stretched, his physique rippling with muscle.

That first passage in particular reminded me of this gross Sweet Valley High moment between Jess and Steven, quoted over at the Dairi Burger:

“Could you zip up my dress, please?”

. . .

“Sure” Steven said good-naturedly. He walked up to his sister, who was now standing before the full length mirror on the back of his closet door. He bent his six-one body over the zipper. It took a little maneuvering, but he finally managed to zip up the dress without damaging the delicate fabric.

Seriously, ghostwriter, I never, ever want to imagine Steven bending all six-foot-one of his body over Jessica.

As for that second passage, it's a little Chris and Cathy, yeah? Ewwww.

And as for the third? Well, geez, I've been won over. Now even I am hopelessly attracted to Michael. Oh, let me tell you guys some more about Michael. He's in community college, he works TWO JOBS so he can have a nice life and help out his poor, single, working mother, and he hot-air-balloons for fun.

So the first clue we're supposed to get that Melissa is illllllll is that she's draggin' her ass out of bed while Jory's all good morrrrrrrrrrrning! It's four a.m.! If being barely able to get out of bed at four a.m. means you have leukemia, I think almost everyone I know must have leukemia.

Actually, Melissa gets more symptoms in one page than anyone I've ever met in the Lurleneverse. In ONE PAGE she's got dark circles under her eyes, tons of unexplained bruising, fatigue, and uncontrollable bleeding. DUDE MELISSA THIS ISN'T GOOD. Also, this is PAGE TWO. Also every other second Lurlene mentions Melissa's waist-length dark brown hair, and you know any book that talks about long flowing luscious shining gleaming streaming flaxen-waxen hair is ready to chemo it all out.

Michael's all in love with the world post-balloon ride:

"It's incredible--high above the earth, seeing the world like a bird does. Man, it's almost better than--" He caught himself, glancing self-consciously at Jory.

"Better than sex?" Melissa finished drolly, quoting one of his frequently used descriptive phrases. "I wouldn't know."

"You better not."

Ew, Michael, shut up. You are not your sister's hymen's keeper.

So Michael is not into Jory at all, because she's rich and occasionally mentions she went somewhere fancy or, I dunno, shows up places in her nice car. It's really dumb; Jory's sixteen and can't help that her parents have money. She's super-nice and generous, so why does it make her a bad person? Okay, now I hate you, Michael, despite all your hard work and your rippling physique.

Jory encourages Melissa to be more into boys, but she's all I R VRY SRS STUDENT so because she wants to focus on her PSATs she apparently can't be into boys too. Whatever, fine. I have met people like this so I'll give it a pass even though it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, as boys can generally exist in the same world as good grades and PSATs. But then Melissa's occasionally mentioning all the dates she's been on in the past, etc., and I don't think it's very consistent. Anyone who has dated enough to refer to it like that isn't someone who doesn't get that you can date AND study. I guess the Lurleneverse is one of those places where all boys and girls date starting really young and go out on those totes proper date-dates, the kinds I don't think any high-schooler has been on in like two decades, yeah? Yeah. What a shock, the Lurleneverse not lining up with the reality I've lived through, right?

Despite this, Melissa is soooo into this dude named Brad. He's all RICH and HANDSOME, but also once Melissa is offered a spot on the Brain Bowl, he is too, so, wow, he is RICH and HANDSOME and SMART. If he's nice to his mother and not the keeper of anyone's hymen, I would say he officially wins out over Michael. Freaking Michael!

Melissa's mom isn't crazy about all the studying she's doing. Oh my god, Ms. Austin, you're a terrible mother! WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THAT EVER?:

"I want to go to college."

Her mother sighed. [OH MY GOD YEAH THAT IS SOOO UNREASONABLE.] "How did I ever end up with success-oriented kids? [Obviously not by leading through example.] All I wanted to do when I was your age was get married."

"I want it all, Mom. Lots of women have careers and families. [Not in the Lurleneverse, sweetie.] Why can't I do both? [Uh, bruises, fatigue, bleeding, your brother's close watch on your virginity....] You do."

"I had to," her mother reminded her. "I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and raise babies. But, when I did have to go to work, it would have been much easier if I'd had an education to fall back on. [Wait, what?] As it was, I started at the bottom."

Shorter Ms. Austin: My life would have been a lot better with a college education so why do you want one? UM MS. AUSTIN DOESN'T THAT ACTUALLY MEAN YOU AGREE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER? You're an idiot; I don't think an undergraduate degree could have fixed that.

Jory shows up for dinner; since her parents are rich that means they're never home and don't actually love her. I read this sentence a few times but I'm still confused:

[Jory's] auburn curls were streaked with hair paint, and her outfit was straight out of a fashion magazine.

Can you guys PLEASE tell me what hair paint is? I have to know! Is it like that hair mascara? I totally remember that from the 1990s. What else could it be? Also why would Jory have a totally normal ensemble for school but then paint up her hair for dinner at the Austins? Oh, right, I bet she was hoping Michael was there. God, Jory, I actually really like you, but haven't you figured out by now Michael will not be impressed by such attempts as HAIR PAINT.

After their first grueling week of school, Jory invites Melissa over for a movie night. This book is so dated, check it out!:

"You're ruining your table," [Melissa] noted irritably.

Jory shrugged. "The maid will clean it tomorrow. [Oh those rich bitches and their maids!] Are we going to watch movies or blabber?"

"Which TV? The one in your room, the den, or the family room?" Melissa asked, knowing that the irony of the question would be lost on Jory. Didn't every house have three TVs?

UH YES MELISSA ANY MORE THEY ACTUALLY DO. Mine has five that are used regularly, and a few more in storage. I have seen the future, and it makes Jory Delaney's TV set-up quite unimpressive!

Melissa, of course, falls asleep early and sleeps in late, which is basically me on many weekends too, because I am old, and also because giant Mexican dinners tend to do that to a girl. So if you guys wake up late on Saturday mornings, review and assess: Did I have Mexican last night? If yes, whew! If no, CANCER CANCER CANCER.

They spend the day at the country club where Jory's a member BECAUSE SHE'S RICH. Guess who's there? Brad! Him and Melissa walk off on their own and get all flirty, even though Melissa is terrified. Again, this is why I hate all the mentions of all the dates Melissa's been on. Sure, it's scarier when it's someone you're TOTES INTO because there's, like, all this pressure on it to be AWESOME but GEEZ Melissa does NOT strike me as having tons of boy experience. Also I spoke to Michael and he confirmed with some official hymen reports. Thanks, Michael.

I actually like Brad but then he gets kind of creepy:

"Melissa." His voice went low and quiet. "Can I unbraid your hair?"

Flustered by his request and change of subject she stammered. "Y-Yes. If you want."

He reached over her shoulder and pulled the tightly wound braid forward, unclasping the gold clip. She couldn't tear her eyes from his face, couldn't stop the emotions and sensations pouring through her body. Brad unwound the plait slowly, dragging his fingers through the thick, dark masses of her hair until the strands fell loose and free. He sifted it through his fingers like sand, gathering it into handfuls. A breeze spun wispy strands across her face. "God, you have beautiful hair." His whisper sounded worshipful.

OF COURSE IT DID. Ew, I don't want to read about Fetish Boy and his desire to fuck Melissa's hair. I mean, I know this is only here so we can be all "OH NOES" in a few chapters, but, grrross.

Meanwhile, teachers have noticed all the bruises on Melissa and assume her mom's beating her. I guess that's good to have teachers who'd notice! I didn't go to a very good high school; I probably could have come in with a bunch of black eyes and my arm in a cast and gotten zero response. Oh, crap, does this explain why I started dying my hair all those wacky colors; WAS I JUST AFTER SOME ADULT ATTENTION? Pardon me while I reexamine my life in style.

Of course Ms. Austin, while being a shitty mother in other ways, wasn't beating Melissa, so Melissa has to go to the doctor to figure out what's going on. If this book was set fifteen years in the future, Melissa the brainiac would be using the hell out of Mayo Clinic and would already see her diagnosis all laid out for her. Honestly, I can't believe she's this much of a genius and can't figure this one out as it is.

While getting tested, this dude stops by Melissa's room:

"I'd heard from the nurses that there was a fox on the floor. [Geez, way to be unprofessional, nurses!] They didn't lie." The male voice coming from her doorway startled Melissa so completely that the brush fell from her grip [again, with the hair, god, could she nail this one in any more?] and clattered to the floor. In the doorway stood a stranger, surveying her with an insolent, wolfish grin.

Then the chapter ends. INTRIGUE! Wolfish? Is he a Special? Luckily, the next chapter picks up right where we left off, all Dan Brown-style again, so we don't have to wonder for long. He's just some dude named Ricter Davis, Ric for short. Ricter? THE HELL? Whose name is RICTER? I agree with the commenter who wants to see the weird-ass name book Lurlene uses. By the way, are there other writers who read this? Have you ever bought yourself a name book? Man, it's awful, I'm always like, "crap, do I look fat in this or do I look pregnant? I'm just a writer who needs help with names!" Luckily the internet has eliminated my need for those embarrassing scenarios.

Ricter's all "THE TESTS DON'T HURT AS MUCH AS THE RESULTS DO" and runs off, well, as much as he can run with one leg and two crutches. God, I hate him, he's all straight out of a Sarah Dessen book with ALL THE INFORMATION but not sharing it.

Thing is, he's right! Ruh roh! Melissa's got leukemia! Oh noes!

Ric shows up again with this observation:

"Jesus, you're pretty."

There was a sadness in his whispered words she didn't understand. "So what? What do my looks have to do with anything?"

"Just an observation."

Duh, Melissa, only ugly people are supposed to get cancer. Also:

"Too bad about your hair."

"What about it?"

"The chemo will take it. It'll take it all."

HOW DOES MELISSA NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS? I swear this was the FIRST thing I knew about cancer treatments! And I didn't qualify for any Brain Bowl action.

The book then, like, totes skims over the first weeks of treatment at double-speed, which is weird considering the painstakingly detailed narration of all the symptoms and tests. Geez, Lurlene, you're letting your medical fetishism slip. I guess there's only room for so much fetish in one book? Seriously, I bet this book is held aloft in hair-worship societies.

Once the hair's gone, Jory the awesome BFF shows up with some silk scarves for Melissa to wear. Melissa's all OMG THESE COST IN THE DOUBLE-DIGITS which made me giggle. I know back then that was a lot to spend but ha! It isn't weird at all for me to buy a friend a gift totalling in the double-digits, and none of my friends have even have worship-worthy hair that fell out due to leukemia treatments.

Melissa writes this journal entry:

I met a little girl today named Rachael. She's four and she has cancer, too. She thought I was very old, being sixteen, and I thought she was very sweet and too young for these things they're putting us through at the hospital. She asked me if I was a mommy. Of course, I'm not. But I can't help wondering if I ever will be. Who will want to make love to me now that I'm sick? What would it be like to have a baby grow inside of me? Will I ever know?

I thought this was actually pretty realistic, and I did like that Lurlene dealt with Melissa wondering if anyone would ever want to sleep with her. Isn't that how we deal with so much of the traumas life throws at us? Go Lurlene for not just going with "who will love me now" or "who'll marry me now"! This book is weirdly sexual. God, what a relief. I mean, hello, teenagers + drama? If some hormones don't show up I'd be concerned.

So Melissa's doing better so she gets to go home before she achieves remission. Yay! From how I understand it, kids don't have to have these terribly long stays for leukemia anymore, not that I'm some expert. I'm just trying to know what the hell I'm talking about so I can provide you lovely people with some insightful information.

Melissa takes her PSATs waaaay before she should be back at school, but of course still hits the 98th percentile. Go Melissa! She then gets to go back to school, which is tough, even though she's wearing a wig of artificial, shorter hair. Everyone's all "oh, man, sucks you had to cut your hair" like WHY THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT CHEMO? No wonder Melissa achieved Brain Bowl so easily.

Sadly, Brad's met some new girl, which upsets Melissa even though she knows she has no chance anymore. This seems pretty realistic to me; I'm glad even though Brad was a semi-cool guy with a hair fetish, he acted the way a lot of kids would have acted. What can I say? Occasionally Lurlene strikes realism.

One day Melissa leaves school to be greeted by Ric. You guys ready for the creepy?"

"How did you find me?"

"I watched the school empty and kept an eye out for the pretty girls. I'd almost given up."

"I had Brain Bowl drill."

He glanced to the side. "Actually, I've waited for you before, but you always seemed to be with that girlfriend of yours."

Oh man, he's so straight out of a Sarah Dessen novel, stalking her into submission. Of COURSE Melissa starts dating him, basically because he's all "NO ONE ELSE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE I DOOOOO CANCER CANCER WE BOTH HAVE CANCER". Michael doesn't approve, because Ric's nineteen, and apparently poses a real threat to Melissa's hymen, but Jory thinks it's great. Melissa journals that Ric and his college friends are ultra-casual about sex, and everyone assumes they're doing it, even though they aren't. This is handled pretty well, actually, Melissa isn't casting judgment on anyone who is or thinks she is. Yay Melissa! Not being ready to have sex doesn't make her anti-sex, so I'm totally behind her.

Ric, though, is another story:

[After some making out.] "Let's go inside," she said to him while her mind swirled and spun with the sensations his touch was arousing."

"All right," he said, his voice husky. "But I won't always let you back off this way, Melissa. I'm not some high school kid, and I know what I want."

Melissa doesn't knee him in the groin like she should, she's just all, yeahhhh I understand. This is so gross. "Won't always let you back off"? Does that translate to "sooner or later I'm gonna rape you"? This is so wrong; I can't believe this is accepted. If I was writing this book, Melissa and Jory would team up to teach Ric a lesson about threatening girls with sex. Also, how does that make any girl actually WANT to do it? Ric, I hope the next time you try that line on a girl she shows you what's what.

So Ric asks Melissa away for Spring Break, and this is what he says:

"Ric... I don't--" She stopped, groping for the right words. "I mean... I've never...."

"I know you haven't, Melissa. But when you do, I want it to be with me."

OH MY GOD RIC YOU ARE SO FUCKING CREEPY. He couldn't phrase it in a way that suggests he actually wants to have sex with Melissa, noooo, he wants Melissa to give it up to him. Helloooo control issues. Ric is so getting sued for sexual harassment at a future job.

Melissa thinks it over and decides against it. I wish I could say that's because she realizes Ric is a disgusting control freak who thinks he can use force to get what he wants, but, no:

"Before I got leukemia, I had so many plans. I wanted to make the Brain Bowl team--no junior has ever made the final panel. I wanted to be a National Merit Scholar. I wanted to go to college and study law. I wanted so many things, Ric."

. . .

"But I still want those things, Ric. In spite of everything that's happened."

"What's that got to do with our spending the weekend together?"

"You aren't my only option in life, Ric. Please don't make me your only one."

Okay, I half-agree with her. Ric is all basically "YOU MUST BE WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE CANCER CANCER CANCER WE ARE EACH OTHER'S ONLY OPTIONSSSS" and that is NO reason to be in a relationship. That said, I have it on good authority you can have sex in high school and still GO TO COLLEGE and STUDY LAW. The implication sex limits your options is so, so wrong and soooo anti-sex I want to puke. After so many really refreshing mentions of sex in this book, I was so annoyed to have it all come down to SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL IS BAD EVEN IF YOU WANT TO AND TAKE PRECAUTIONS. Ugh, Lurlene, you've let me down yet again!

Melissa fights to stay on the Brain Bowl team, and wins, and is all set for her first big match. Jory shows up to go with her, and Melissa's thrilled Jory has traded in her funky clothes for "polished sophistication". Ugh. Jory's sixteen! Isn't it too early to worry about such things, honestly? If there are any sixteen-year-olds reading this, revel in your time to wear whatever you want, okay? A few short years from now you could be stuck in corporate dress-code hell, and you're going to really regret the years lost to polished sophistication.

Jory presents Melissa with a gift, which is a super-expensive wig made of human hair (ew, paging Chris March!) that looks just like her old hair. I do wish the lesson learned could have been that Melissa is just as beautiful without it, but, whatever, it's the sweetest thing in the world that Jory did it for her. And on that note, the book ends. OH MY GOD MELISSA SURVIVED! Smart move being the protag, Melissa. Knowing your BFF narrates the sequel, I'm a bit concerned.