Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Top Ten Rules for Surviving in the Lurleneverse

Lovely reader Genevieve sent me this awesome guide for escaping the Lurleneverse alive, or at least surviving as long as you possibly can. I mean, hello, it's the Lurleneverse, no one is safe for long!

Without further ado, I present:

Top Ten Rules for Surviving in the Lurleneverse

  1. Do not be the gifted child of a hardworking single mother. Always be rich.
  2. Don't fucking plan for your bright future. The second you do you're totally fucked. National Merit Scholar? No life for you. Not yours.
  3. Do not fall in nobly in love with someone obviously perfect for you. She will use it as a plot device to break our hearts when you kick the bucket. Probably you'll plant tulips in a field with a message, just to hammer it home a bit.
  4. Sleep around a bit. Lurlene only kills worthy virgins.
  5. Be the narrator. You'll probably survive till the sequel.
  6. Be a sullen, whiny pain in the ass. Only the noble who accept their fate die in the Lurleneverse.
  7. DO NOT WRITE GOODBYE LETTERS. You write your goodbye, or film a video, you die two pages later. It's fucking guaranteed.
  8. Do not visit a graveyard. She uses this consistently as a plot device to force you to accept your mortality.
  9. Do not quote poetry or the Bible, particularly Ecclesiastes or the Gerard Manley Hopkins poem about leaves.
  10. The bruise and flu-like symptoms are ALWAYS cancer. Do not wait to see a doctor, or you'll miss your only chance for bone marrow transplant.


Unknown said...

There was a summer where I was convinced every bruise/headache = bad bad medical thing. And now I see that Lurlene had everything to do with that particular fear.

ames said...

Between that and my unstoppable obsession with how many times I went to the bathroom thanks to Stacey McGill, I don't know how the hell I escaped adolescence without major medical debt.