Without further ado, I present:
Top Ten Rules for Surviving in the Lurleneverse
- Do not be the gifted child of a hardworking single mother. Always be rich.
- Don't fucking plan for your bright future. The second you do you're totally fucked. National Merit Scholar? No life for you. Not yours.
- Do not fall in nobly in love with someone obviously perfect for you. She will use it as a plot device to break our hearts when you kick the bucket. Probably you'll plant tulips in a field with a message, just to hammer it home a bit.
- Sleep around a bit. Lurlene only kills worthy virgins.
- Be the narrator. You'll probably survive till the sequel.
- Be a sullen, whiny pain in the ass. Only the noble who accept their fate die in the Lurleneverse.
- DO NOT WRITE GOODBYE LETTERS. You write your goodbye, or film a video, you die two pages later. It's fucking guaranteed.
- Do not visit a graveyard. She uses this consistently as a plot device to force you to accept your mortality.
- Do not quote poetry or the Bible, particularly Ecclesiastes or the Gerard Manley Hopkins poem about leaves.
- The bruise and flu-like symptoms are ALWAYS cancer. Do not wait to see a doctor, or you'll miss your only chance for bone marrow transplant.