Grow up, good god, you're already SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, or Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever

It is time to pick up where we left off with our ACTUALLY FAIRLY INTELLIGENT AND SEMI-REALISTIC heroines Melissa and Jory in the sequel to Too Young to Die, Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever (published 1989).

I sort of want to start this review with like ten disclaimers. Or maybe five. Okay, one.

For some reason, despite the bizarre sexual nature combined with the anti-sex nature and the creepy brother stuff and the thought that saying yes to sex means saying no to success and the idea that rich people can't parent, I REALLY LOVE THESE TWO BOOKS.

I am so sorry, you guys. I'm not proud. I have no explanation. It's just a fact. Basically I just wish someone else had written these books so we'd keep the basic plot but lose, ya know, the "morality" lessons.

So what's it about? Let me fill you in:

Jory Delaney has always had lots of money. But there's one thing she knows she cannot buy--and that's her best friend Melissa's life. Although Melissa's leukemia is in remission, it's hard for both girls to hold on to the possibility of a very bright future. When Melissa's health begins to deteriorate, Jory watches her friend's courageous battle and is overwhelmed by a sense of loss. Distanced from her parents, Jory grows closer to Melissa's mother and older brother, Michael, as they give each other untold strength in the face of tragedy. As she grapples with the unfairness of Melissa's imminent death, can Jory find a way to turn her anger into the hope and inspiration that Melissa wanted to leave behind?

Wow, thanks for spoiling about three-quarters of the book, marketing department!

Here is the book cover I grew up with:


Some observations: this book cover is sort of misleading. Secondly, Michael and Jory have some nice asses on them. Thirdly, Michael looks a bit like young Scott Baio. Jory sure wants Charles in charge of her, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The next edition of the book looks like this:


Uh, way to make everyone less attractive, marketing geniuses! Also I hate the creepy way the flowers are Photoshopped on top of them, especially on poor unattractive Jory. When was the last time she washed her hair? Gross.

The book opens with Jory and her mom fighting about the family vacation to Europe. Jory's mom, the bitch, wants her to go, while Jory wants to stay in town. Her mom's all I ALREADY LET YOU GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL WITH "A BUNCH OF RIFFRAFF" THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS THIS. God, I wish these were the kinds of fights I had with my mom when I was seventeen! Gee, Mom, please don't make me go tour those castles!

Jory's mom is mad because she hasn't filled out any of her college applications yet, and it's already the June before her Senior year. Wait, does anyone fill them out that early who isn't going for early admission? I mean, I started out at a really shitty community college, but I know when I went back to real school that I applied sometime in the spring to start in the fall. I know my grad school deadline this year was February to start in September. So way to panic over nothing, Jory's mom. She hates that Jory's so aimless, especially with so much money at her disposal. Okay, Jory isn't exactly the most driven person in the world... BUT SHE'S SEVENTEEN. I had tons of dreams at seventeen but they were all pretty ill-advised and I turned out okay! I mean, I get that there's all sorts of weird pressures on you when you're facing your Senior year, but, man, you've got all the time in the world (unless you have leukemia OBVS). Poor Jory. I mean, I wouldn't have turned down that castle-touring trip, but I've got your back on everything else.

This is probably just how Lurlene thinks rich families behave. Like, I'm not saying there aren't different stresses when one has to be concerned with the community and status and the future of your child who has never had to do anything on her own up until now, but, ugh. This prejudice against the wealthy/upper-class is so lame, Lurlene, so tired and old and lame. Did some rich people, like, beat you up at some point? What started this? You seriously could use some therapy to deal with this.

Jory goes over to Melissa's, where there's a bunch of exposition about Melissa being a genius and on the Brain Bowl and all that jazz. Also there's a dude on the Brain Bowl named Lyle who often asks about Jory. I don't care but I guess I'm supposed to. Melissa also wants Jory to get serious about her future. Man, none of us, even the so-called serious ones, wanted anyone serious about their future the summer before Senior year! Mostly we just wondered who'd be dating who and how heinous our classes would be, and if open lunch was as awesome as it seemed. (It was.)

Michael comes into the room, of course, shirtless and hottttttt, chugging milk and eating powdered-sugar donuts. Ever since Flowers in the Attic there is nothing appealing about those donuts to me. He's bitching about "female chatter" and "little girls" and I am so over you, Michael, yet again. Sexism isn't cute, nor are breakfast items found in books about incest.

Jory takes Melissa to the clinic, and afterwards Melissa wants to go to this secluded place which is where Ric was all UR HAI-MEN LET ME RID U OF IT. Melissa tells Jory about this but says it wouldn't have been right for her. Jory says she's been slapping boys' hands away forever. For a so-called party girl, that's a little surprising. I guess even the feisty BFF can't slut it up in the Lurleneverse. ARGH.

The next morning our ladies get up early to help Michael with his hot air ballooning. Melissa's got it planned to let Jory go up with him for the first time, but of course Michael brings along a girlfriend and Jory's devastated. I know I should probably make fun of Jory for being so hung up on such a pointless case, but I've been there. I get it!

Jory wants to throw a party, and her mom will only let her if she promises to attend important events with the family. She agrees, even to letting her mom select appropriate dates for each. That sounds terrible; I'm not sure any party is worth that. Still, the party goes on, but Melissa's all mopey there, and Jory follows her away from the crowd. As they often do, they talk about sex:

Melissa turned her face toward Jory. Her eyes were dark hollows and her skin looked pale, ethereal. "God decided that you're going to be rich and famous."

"No kidding? And I just thought I had to figure out what to do over the rest of the school year." She smiled nervously and pushed her hair behind her ear. "What did He decide for you?"

A wry smile hovered on Melissa's lips. She leaned sideways and whispered from the corner of her mouth. "That I'll go to my grave a virgin."

Jory laughed at Melissa's sudden turn to humor. "Not if Tony Perez has anything to say about it, you won't."

Melissa sobered and pulled the luxurious length of hair over her shoulder and stroked it. "Last spring, when Ric asked me to go to bed with him, it was the funniest feeling. [Like when you climbed the ropes in gym class?] I mean, I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to know what it felt like. To be with a guy that way." Jory squirmed in the sand. She'd seen enough movies and read enough books to have wondered the same thing. [Wait, "squirmed"? What, is she all hot and bothered and sex-curious? WTF!] "But in the end, I decided I wanted more than to just satisfy my curiosity. I wanted to be in love."

[Wait, Melissa, that is a total lie. Actually you didn't think you could have sex AND achieve your goals! If that had been the reason you'd given Ric, I would have been ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ON YOUR SIDE.]

Bewildered, Jory still couldn't figure out where the conversation was leading. "I guess we all want to be in love before we try making love. I know I do."

Before they "try" making love? It's not really something you sample, Jory.

Unfortunately, Melissa is mopey for a reason: her leukemia has returned. Dammit! Not that we didn't all see that coming, not just from the synopsis, but from her best friend narrating.

Melissa is going to have a bone marrow transplant, since she's lucky to have a brother who is a good match. Finally, Michael is good for something!

Melissa goes into the hospital to prepare for the transplant, and Jory is totally falling apart, of course. Lyle calls her to see if she wants to go out, and she agrees because being home sucks. He reveals that his mother had cancer, and tries to give her some coping ideas. She isn't having any of it, and he's a bit pissed she agreed to go out with him when clearly she didn't want to. Well, you're the one who follows her around school and calls her, even though she's never expressed interest, Lyle, so maybe this is your fault too.

Jory waits at the hospital the day of the transplant, with Melissa and Michael's mom, who says she thinks of Jory as one of her own and is so grateful she's in Melissa's life. Aw! As much as I hate the tired clichés of Jory's rich parents, I do love that Jory has a real relationship within Melissa's family. Of course, the moment is ruined when Melissa's mom mentions she's glad Jory stopped wearing blue nail polish, and Jory chalks it up to one of her phases. ARGH. Why do you have to be so mature and grown-up at SEVENTEEN? Also blue is a completely acceptable nail polish color, one of only three colors I wear on my toes. And I am grown-up, dammit!

I know this is totally a tangent but egads this is another one of my pet peeves. There is not one acceptable grown-up way to dress, okay? Some of us might be thirty and still go to work in pigtails and sneakers and be totally completely one-hundred-percent respected, you know? Whatever, apparently in the Lurleneverse you have to be totes ambitious and in business-casual by seventeen, but the upside is that one can SAMPLE SEX. Man, that'd be good, right? People would have to try way more on technique if there was sampling involved, much like how once people started downloading albums from the internet artists had to make each track decent, not just the singles. It is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

When the surgery's over, Ms. Austin goes to Melissa because Jory promises to look after Michael. While he's still passed out cold, SHE TOTALLY KISSES HIM OMG! Even I, queen of creepy, wouldn't do that. I swear. JORY OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT EWWWW.

While Michael is recovering, Jory gives him a glossy photo book of hot air balloons. Of course Michael can't be grateful, noooo, he has to bitch that it must have cost "at least fifty dollars". SHUT UP MICHAEL OMG I HATE YOU. What a fucking asshole! You know what I say when people give me presents that maybe they spent too much on? "THANK YOU!"

Melissa has an infection, and needs blood, so Jory and Lyle organize a big-ass blood drive at the school. Of course it's a big success. Jory should totes get into event-planning or something, she'd rock at it. Not that I'm telling a seventeen-year-old to worry about her career, I'm just saying. As always, Lurlene is queen of capturing the way teenagers speak:

"You just want the chance to dunk the principal in the water tank at the baseball toss."

The boy grinned. "Hey, now that sounds like fun."

Hey, now, don't it?

They collect a lot of money (and blood), thanks in no small part to a big-ass check signed by Jory's mother. Jory confronts her about this, since she generally acts as if she doesn't give a shit about Melissa, and she says she can't imagine what the family's going through, and she's so glad it isn't Jory. Jory says she's glad it isn't her too. Aw, man, this is sort of a nice scene, the kind that makes me still sort of like this book. Whatever, I said it.

Lyle invites Jory to a party, and she goes with him and probably would have had fun if he hadn't brought up the fact that Melissa is dying. Jory's all NO SHE'S NOT SHE'S JUST HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE CURE and, oh man, this is kind of tough reading. Of course they get in a fight and Jory storms off. You guys, guess who she runs into? DRUNKEN MICHAEL!

Okay, this book is really sort of awesome.

Drunken Michael's friend asks Jory to take his keys and take him home, so of course she does. For some reason, of all places, Jory takes Michael to the place where Ric asked to make Melissa's hymen a thing of the past. Lovely! They talk about Melissa, and start making out. Michael stops himself, because:

"If this had happened to Melissa and I found out about it, I would have gone after the guy with my bare hands."

Oh SHUT UP MICHAEL! If your sister had wanted to do some guy, more power to her! You don't get to beat up people for having sex! God, I hate you. Jory, I still think you're awesome, though. Don't worry.

Melissa starts doing better! YAY! That's the good news. The bad news is Jory's mom gets her report card and is pissssssssssed. These are not college-gettin'-in grades, Jory, geez. I probably wouldn't do too well either if my best friend was dying. Jory's mom says that EVERYONE goes to college, which is funny, given that in the Lurleneverse generally kids don't think they have to! Weird! Some of the earlier books seem a bit more entrenched in reality, even if it's a reality I don't quite like.

Even worse, Melissa has another fever. Argh! It's meningitis. That royally blows! And even worse, right after getting the news, Jory is stuck at some event with a loser date picked out by her mother. She runs out early, and finds her mom waiting for her. She knows she's in for a punishment, but she begs her mom to yell at her later. Finally, her mom is able to get a word in edgewise, and what she says makes me choke up EACH AND EVERY TIME DAMMIT:

Mrs. Delaney stepped in front of Jory as she started to leave. "Mrs. Austin called here about ten tonight, and Mrs. Garcia called us at the club."

Jory felt her heart pounding. "Tell me in the morning," she said, trying to step around her mother.

"Jory, you must listen to me."

"I don't want to listen." Jory fought a rising sense of panic. The walls seemed to be closing in. Why wouldn't her mother get out of her way? Childlike, Jory clamped her hands over her ears. "I can't hear you, Mother. I'm not going to listen."

Mrs. Delaney reached out, took Jory's wrists, and tugged. "Melissa died tonight, honey. Her heart gave out."

Even on my adult reread, I cried. So sue me. Believe it or not my heart isn't made of stone!

Jory finally reads the journal Melissa entrusted to her, and finds a letter from her. I actually don't hate on most of it, except for when Melissa says she's glad she didn't sleep with Ric so she can still be buried in virginal white. Holy CRAP are the Lurleneverse heroines into white. Guess what, ladies of the Lurleneverse, you can totes wear white once you've done the deed, and no one's the wiser! It's not a fucking law, and even if it was, I would march to repeal it. Whatever, apparently it's supposed to be A JOKE but I'm not laughing, Melissa. Sweet, dead Melissa. Aw!

Michael FINALLY takes Jory up in the hot air balloon! AT LAST! By now she has been accepted into college, as has her now-boyfriend, Lyle. Different schools too YES! All in all, I can't hate too much on this book. I hope Jory goes off to college, wears ridiculous shades of nail polish, has tons of mindblowing sex, and wears white all the time.

I want a plot, or I Want to Live

Today we arrive at the sequel to Six Months to Live, I Want to Live (published 1987). While this title isn't one that's gonna grab you and hold on, at least it's NOT A LIE.

You know, normally with companion novels, EVEN LURLENE'S, I'm sort of anxious to find out what's up with our trusty gang. Honestly, this time? I'm really not. How did Dawn Rochelle get five freaking books? She is the most boring protag we've met so far.

So what's book two about? Hold onto your wigs and keys, folks, you won't be shocked at all!:

Dawn Rochelle has just turned fourteen, and her cancer has been in remission for almost a year.

This summer, as she helps prepare for her brother's wedding and goes to camp, her life seems almost normal again.

But when Dawn returns home from camp, she's suddenly tired all the time. Her latest test results show that the worst has happened: Her leukemia is no longer in remission. Dawn must receive a bone marrow transplant from her brother. Even with the transplant, she only has a fifty-percent chance of survival. Will Dawn live to celebrate her fifteenth birthday?

Considering we've got three more books to go, I bet she will!

Shall we take a stroll through cover history?



I'm with snappleaddict, who in the comments wished she could have just handed Dawn Rochelle a bottle of conditioner. Geez, Dawn Rochelle, take care of your hair and it'll take care of you. I mean, oops, besides all that chemo stuff. Also, really, your hair grew out this much yet? That seems unlikely.

Next up we got this one, and I'm sorry that this was literally the largest photo I could find:



This Dawn Rochelle looks pretty cute; I think it's actually the same girl as on the first version of this printing. Hurrah for consistency!

Also, seriously, this book has gotten more reprintings than any Lurlene's written. I'm guessing because it was where her leukemia legacy began that it became this HUGE THING but it's weird looking back now. I mean, as riddled with creepiness as it is, give me Too Young to Die any day. But I guess this book being about a younger girl makes it hotter with the young ones? I seriously have no idea.



Boring, but uber tasteful! I guess that's... something.

And lastly:



Weirdly enough, take out the teddy bear, and I'm all "aw, where's the teddy bear?" And, again with the LURLENE McDANIEL PRESENTS A VERY SPECIAL DAWN ROCHELLE BOOK. Um, or something.

This book also has an amazing opening:

The one thing that Dawn Rochelle remembered most about her fourteenth birthday was that she was still alive.

Dawn Rochelle writes in her diary because:

She'd learned about keeping a diary from Sandy. She often felt that if she died, the diary was something special and personal her parents could keep.

WAIT WHAT? That's the weirdest reason EVER to keep a diary. I mean, I can see writing down things if one had battled a terminal illness, but, really, the crap about wanting to kiss boys and such? That's just weird, Dawn Rochelle.

Dawn Rochelle's sort-of friend Rhonda comes over and gives her a birthday gift, but clearly it's just to scope out Dawn Rochelle's hottie brother Rob Rochelle. At least Rhonda is sort of nice. I guess. They commiserate about not having any interested boys:

"I'm too young for all the neat guys," Rhonda complained.

Dawn understood Rhonda's complaint. "Tell me about it. Who's interested in a fourteen-year-old with..." she stopped, feeling her cheeks burn. "...with no curves and bumps [BUMPS??] in the right places." [WHAT ARE THE RIGHT PLACES FOR BUMPS?] With cancer, her brain said.

I know she means boobs but WTF!!! "Bumps" just make me think of tumors. Thanks, Dawn Rochelle. I think you just have cancer on the brain. This, of course, is different than cancer OF the brain.

Rob DOES come home, though, and is mighty creepy:

"You're turning into a very pretty young lady."

She blushed and pushed away from him. "Oh, come on."

"You doubt the word of a man who's personally surveyed hundreds of girls?"

WTF "personally surveyed"??? I hope he's served hundreds of restraining orders!

Rob takes Dawn to her clinic check-up, because he wants to be a part of that side of her life. I guess that's pretty nice, for a surveyor. A few days later, Rob's ladyfriend Darcy Collins comes over, and she's all perfectly-looking and rich, so of course we should all worry right away. I think Jory Delaney is the only nice rich person who's lived in the Lurleneverse. Oh! There's Neil! Okay. That's TWO.

Darcy studies journalism, and wants to work on-camera. Rob thinks that's a great idea:

"Don't you think she'd make a great sportscaster? All the men would tune in just to watch her read the scores."

Darcy punched Rob [yay!] playfully [boo!]. "I'd like to think they'd tune in because of my ability, not my looks."

"With your looks, who needs ability?"

OH MY GOD SHUT UP ROB ROCHELLE! I'm sentencing you to get your ass kicked by a bunch of tough-ass feminists.

So of course Rob and Darcy are getting married, because that's what twenty year olds do! Dawn Rochelle's reaction makes me worry about the effects of chemo on her brain:

"That means I'll be an aunt."

Dawn Rochelle's parents are worried that Rob won't be able to support Darcy, but he assures them with his PART-TIME JOB at a menswear store they'll be fine. WHAT! When I was in college I worked a full-time job and STILL had to live with my parents, how on earth can someone support themselves and a spouse ENTIRELY off of a freaking PART-TIME income? And retail at that! What the hell kind of tips is Rob picking up?

So Darcy asks Dawn Rochelle to be in the wedding, but Dawn Rochelle doesn't feel like Darcy actually wants her in it, since she's all cancerous and whatever. I feel sort of bad for Dawn Rochelle, but Darcy's not doing anything wrong except existing in perfection. Sadly, I've hated people for less.

It's the last day of school! Okay! I can't keep track of time in these books! Dawn Rochelle runs into hottie crush Jake Macka, who is unfortunately moving to Cincinnati. Jake's all happy her hair's growing long again. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I've been growing my hair out for, like, a year now, and it's just STARTING to be long, and I started with, ya know, a short bob, NOT BALDNESS. Creepily enough, looks like Jake's a future hair-fucker:

Jake's voice dropped, and she had to lean forward to catch his next words. "I sometimes wanted to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked."

Dawn thought her heart would hammer through her chest. Her mouth went dry. "You can touch it now. I mean, since you're moving and all, and I'll never see you again. I don't mind if you touch it."

Jake's hand rose and he caught the ends of her hair in the tips of his fingers. ["IN" the tips of his fingers?? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? EW.] "I was right. It is soft."

Girls of Cincinnati: be warned!

Dawn Rochelle heads off to cancer camp. Rock and roll! She runs into Mike, the one who'd been all into Sandy the year before. Greg, the one who'd been AS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER both BEAU AND BROTHER to Dawn Rochelle, got a swimming scholarship to UCLA and is already in training. D.R. and Mike totes have fun, though this is no love connection. I am always so happy in YA books when it's not all LOVE THIS LOVE THAT so, um, good going, Lurlene?

When Dawn Rochelle gets home from camp, she's not feeling great. Oh noes! She's totes in denial, but a doctor hands over the bad news: NO MORE REMISSION. Agh! Poor Dawn Rochelle! She needs to have a bone marrow transplant, and luckily Rob is a suitable donor. Dawn Rochelle isn't sure she wants to go through all of it, so she thinks it over, finally declaring the titular I WANT TO LIVE! Remember, Dawn, you've got three more books, I bet you will!

Darcy's being a major wench, all WILL YOUR OPERATION AFFECT THE WEDDING? which, uh, PRIORITIES, Darcy! I hate you! It's a good thing you're engaged to a total jackhole; what a match made in Lurleneverse Heaven.

Dawn Rochelle gets better and worse, lather, rinse, repeat. Rob is totes frustrated!:

"I hate it! First, hope. Then, no hope. Then, hope again. And now...."

Man, don't you guys see what Darcy sees in him? He's soooo eloquent.

Actually, Rob confides in Dawn Rochelle's nurse that HE AND DARCY TOTALLY BROKE UP. Whoa! I mean, I would have said I saw it coming because Darcy's such a wench, but considering all his sexist joking, I figured it was meant to be. I guess only RICH awful people get punished in the Lurleneverse.

Rob goes back in to talk to Dawn Rochelle, who is sort of fading in and out AND SHE TOTALLY FLATLINES. We're in Rob's POV now and he's totally flashing back to all his SIGNIFICANT DAWN ROCHELLE MOMENTS. Luckily, they're able to bring Dawn Rochelle back, whew. Wouldn't it have sucked if the next three books were from Rob's POV? She's all WHERE WAS I WHERE DID YOU BRING ME BACK FROM and they're all DEATH which, um, okay, sort of! Hello, people, I've watched plenty of medical dramas in my day, flatlining isn't THAT big of a deal anymore. Whatever, I know this is an eighties book; things were definitely different then. For one thing, we hadn't logged hours of House MD!

And... that's it! That was literally THE ENTIRE PLOT. If you feel a bit ripped off, you are not alone, my friend. And this is as good a time as any to ponder why Lurlene's heroines almost always leave remission. All I hear about childhood leukemia is that the survival rate over five years is something like eighty-five percent, right? Sorry, why am I trying to introduce reality? I just never, ever learn!

Seriously, how did Dawn Rochelle, OF ALL PROTAGS, score FIVE FRIGGIN' BOOKS? Let's hope her next tome has one of those things I like to call a plot.

I'm sorry, 2089, or Six Months to Live

ETA: Thanks to a comment from Courtney, I did a little digging and found out this book was actually published in 1985, not 1995, which must have been the date of one of the reissues. It is bizarrely difficult tracking down publication dates to these books, believe it or not!

Six Months to Live (published 1985) is the first book in the Dawn Rochelle series, which of course is near and dear to my heart as it's the namesake of my roommate Dawn Rochelle! For some reason, I was convinced the Dawn Rochelle series was going to be SUPER AWESOME AND FANTASTICAL. Like, let's be real here; if I didn't still have some sick, twisted desire to read about sick kids and the minutiae of their treatments, I wouldn't be writing this blog. Also, bear in mind, Six Months to Live was voted into a time capsule to be opened in year 2089! Only a quality work of literature could achieve such an honor, right?

Will my wish be granted? Will the Dawn Rochelle series be all I dreamed of? Let's find out!

Lurlene's publishers/marketing department have this to say:

When 13-year-old Dawn Rochelle is diagnosed with leukemia, she's scared. While in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy, Dawn meets Sandy, who also has cancer. Dawn and Sandy battle the disease together, and remain best friends even after they both go into remission and return home. But when Sandy gets sick again, Dawn wonders what the future holds both for Sandy and herself.

Sure then!

ETA: In my search for the original publication date, I ran across the ACTUAL original cover, which is pretty fantastic:


If that girl's thirteen, so am I.

Here's one older cover:


Dawn Rochelle's cute! So is her teddy bear! She seems troubled, probably due to her leukemia, so I'll give her a break there.

The cover's been updated a million times. There's this:


Classier, for sure! Not sure this girl passes for thirteen as much as our first dear Dawn Rochelle though.

There's also this one:


You guys, look, now it's LURLENE McDANIEL'S SIX MONTHS TO LIVE. Totes like Oprah Winfrey's Thisever or Tyler Perry's Thatever. Really, Lurlene has risen to the ranks of Oprah freaking Winfrey, and Tyler freaking Perry? I'm not entirely sure, Lurlene, I'm not sure at all.

My copy of this book is actually in a compiled volume of the first four Dawn Rochelle books. I guess that's a spoiler that Dawn Rochelle stays alive for awhile! GO DAWN ROCHELLE! Anyways:


So basically it's the first cover with some Photoshopping. I have no idea, honestly, who that dude is, or why his chest upwards has materialized near our dear Dawn Rochelle. Maybe that tree will become significant? Also I have absolutely NO CLUE what that thing at the bottom is. Was someone building a fence and got confused? What does THAT have to do with leukemia? Or months? Or teddy bears? TELL ME PLEASE.

So, believe it or not, this is how the book opens:

When Dawn Rochelle was thirteen years old, they [they who?] told her she had cancer. She sat in her doctor's office, clutching the hand of her mother, who sat clutching the hand of her father, and stared at the familiar face of Dr. Galland with disbelief.

That is QUITE an opener!

Dr. Galland says this is the most common form of cancer among kids (I looked it up, he's right!), and Dawn Rochelle thinks:

A kid! That's what I am, Dawn thought. [All kids totes talk like this too.] She was a kid, just two months over her thirteenth birthday... a seventh grader... cheerleader for Adams Junior High... daughter of Pete and Meggie Rochelle [oh, wait, Rochelle is her last name? Whatever, I'm still calling her Dawn Rochelle]... kid sister of eighteen-year-old Rob Rochelle [firstly, Rob Rochelle is a freaking amazing name, and secondly, this is some smooth exposition!]... super fan of Michael Jackson [before you guys get all WELL THIS BOOK IS FROM THE PAST remember that it was published in nineteen-fucking-ninety-five and there is NO EXCUSE for a thirteen-year-old to be a SUPER FAN of Michael Jackson OH MY GOD LURLENE NO EXCUSE ETA: okay, clearly, this book was published in 1985, so I can't mock Dawn Rochelle for her super fandom. It's still a weird way to define oneself, yeah?]... collector of teddy bears... a resident of Columbus, Ohio... and now, a victim of cancer.

There is absolutely nothing about that paragraph that isn't amazing. NOTHING.

Dawn Rochelle's parents are all WTF SECOND OPINION PLEASE which, okay, I totally get denial, and I get being just fucking knocked on your ass by scary medical news regarding a family member, I've been there, but soooo many parents in the Lurleneverse just flat-out don't believe doctors, even when their kids are covered with bruises or have unexplained broken bones, or are so tired it's tough getting up at 4 a.m. Seriously, I really believe if I brought my hypothetical kid in with those symptoms and got the diagnosis, I'd hate it, but I'd buy it. Right? What about you guys? Am I just too fully immersed in the Lurleneverse?

Dawn Rochelle and her parents go home to pack for her stay in the hospital. Man, that's gotta be depressing! Dawn Rochelle reflects on telling everyone:

Rob... Dawn pictured her brother. He was so big and broad across his shoulders.

Uh, so I've seen a picture of Lurlene and her brother:


Were they, like, on a date here? Does she think that's normal? Is this why she always writes girls lusting over their brothers? Listen, I have a brother, and I don't sit around and think about his shoulders EVER. This is SO NOT OKAY LURLENE. We really need to have a talk.

When Dawn Rochelle gets to the hospital, you guys are NOT going to believe this, her parents are all, "so what would happen if we just took Dawn Rochelle home instead?" and the oncologist, Dr. Sinclair, is all UM THE FUCK YOU TERRIBLE PARENTS SHE WOULD DIE!!!! Do you guys want to know more about Dr. Sinclair? Too bad:

Dr. Sinclair hated leukemia. Like a person hates evil, he hated the disease.

Um. That's weird. Right? If your arch-enemy is A DISEASE, that's kind of creepy. Even if you're a doctor.

So Dawn Rochelle settles in at the hospital and meets her nurse, Fredia. Fredia, really? Fredia tells Dawn Rochelle she's gonna LOVE her roommate, Sandy! Okay, Fredia, I will take you at your word! I always trust a Fredia!

Of course the staff is taking lots of blood from Dawn Rochelle so further tests can be run, but Dawn Rochelle isn't lovin' that!:

Vampires! she thought. The place seemed full of vampires.

Yes, Dawn Rochelle, after they draw out your blood WITH A NEEDLE they take it elsewhere and DRINK IT. Or maybe it's that whole leukemia thing they told you about? I dunno, the vampire explanation seems waaaaaaay more likely.

Sandy's from West Virginia, so she calls her dad Pa. Apparently Lurlene doesn't understand the difference between West Virginia and the past. Pa was so upset when the testing/treatment of Sandy hurt her so much that he nearly took her out of the hospital! Man, parents are so frickin' dumb in the Lurleneverse. I mean, it would totes suck to see your kid hurting, but GEEZ.

So a psychiatrist comes by to teach Dawn Rochelle imaging techniques, but at first she is not hip to that!:

A shrink! Dawn thought. I'm not crazy. I don't need a head doctor!

Maybe it's just all my hours logged with trusted mental health professionals, but if I'd just gotten diagnosed with a potentially-fatal illness and a psychiatrist wandered in, I think I'd grasp the notion that they just might be there to help me deal with that. Oh, Dawn Rochelle!

Since Dawn Rochelle is totes into teddy bears, she imagines an army of them fighting off the cancer cells. I approve of this imaging technique, Dawn Rochelle! Sounds cute.

Some of Dawn Rochelle's cheerleader friends come to visit. They are totes realistic, of course:

"Gee... cancer.... What a rotten deal!"

Gee, you think?

After the cheerleaders go, Sandy and Dawn Rochelle bond over the fact that people from their "old life" no longer really understand them. It's interesting, in some of Lurlene's books, friends stick by and totally help the patient deal, and in some, they're totes isolated. Generally, this has to do with whoever Lurlene wants us to root for to help our protag learn something important. Or something. I'm sure a lot of times kids' friends can't deal with someone they know having cancer. Man, that'd suck! Poor Dawn Rochelle. Anyways, the girls get to talkin' 'bout boys, as girls often do:

"He... he kissed me once," Sandy added in a soft whisper. "It was real sweet, like he really meant it."

LIKE HE REALLY MEANT IT! What does that MEAN? Sandy, if I were there, I'd make you give me more details.

Sandy's parents come to visit, and of course they are written with painstaking cultural sensitivity. I hope you guys aren't from West Virginia!:

"How's my darlin'?" Mr. Chandler's voice boomed from the doorway of their hospital room. Sandy squealed with delight and flung her arms open to him.

"Sandy's told me about you," he told Dawn, who openly stared at him. [Nice, D.R., nice.] "My, my, you're hardly bigger than a June bug," he said, his accent causing her to smile shyly.

He eyed both of the girls critically. "They feedin' you girls proper? Neither of you look like you've had a decent meal in a month of Sundays."

. . .

His lips pressed together. Dawn got the feeling that under his cheerful words [How cheerful was that shit about a month of Sundays?] and broad smile, Mr. Chandler was very angry about Sandy being sick.

So here's the thing. I've noticed in the majority of the Lurleneverse, men get ANGRY about their kids' illnesses. Like, I'm not saying fathers don't. But mothers do too. And fathers cry and fall into denial, just like mothers. Except in the Lurleneverse! Fathers just get angry and do things like SHAKE WITH ANGER, and girls have to lie to their fathers and brothers about how much stuff hurts so they don't tear apart medical professionals. Ugh. I hate all sexism, but especially when it comes from ladies. Knock it off, ladies!

To get herself through the side effects of her chemo, Dawn Rochelle keeps telling herself, "the drugs are my friends!" Oh noes, will chemo be a gateway drug to, like, heroin? Be careful, Dawn Rochelle!!

You guys, seriously, I just cannot get over this prose:

How cruel it was to go bald at thirteen! How awful it was to be sick all the time from the effects of the chemotheraphy! How terrible it was to be tired and depressed, have sores in your mouth, bruises all over your body and to be so thin you could count your own ribs!

Sandy achieves remission (go Sandy!) so Dawn Rochelle's all alone and without her new BFF. Sadness! Isn't leukemia shitty enough? Luckily, it doesn't take much longer for Dawn Rochelle to achieve remission as well! Hmmm, does it synch up like your and your roommate's periods?

"I'm really going home!" To herself, she added, "Ready or not, World, here I come!"

Please tell me A) if there are any kids who really say shit like this, and B) why the hell world is capitalized!

Dawn Rochelle and Sandy go off to cancer camp together, woo hoo! The camp puts on a little show about the history of the land and lake, where "Indians" row across in a canoe. Um, Lurlene, didn't you get the memo? Native Americans. Say it with me. Thanks.

Of course there are hot boys at the camp; it wouldn't be camp without 'em!

Dawn kept noticing the way the two boys kept looking at her and Sandy. It made her feel feminine and exciting.

Feminine AND exciting, you guys.

The boys are named Mike and Greg. Greg is totes into Dawn Rochelle, while Mike is into Sandy. It's always good when that works out. Mike had bone cancer, so he is missing a leg, and he's all embarrassed about swimmin'! Luckily Sandy sets him straight. Aw, man, seriously, Mike, if you don't feel comfortable swimming with one leg at a cancer camp, you're going to need a lot of therapy! Poor Mike.

According to Dawn Rochelle:

Greg Buchannan became friend, beau, and big brother to Dawn. Mike became the same to Sandy.

WHAT IS WITH THIS BROTHER/BOYFRIEND CROSSOVER RELATIONSHIP? I am seriously so uncomfortable. I have never, ever dated a dude I would have ALSO considered an older brother. GROSS. Seriously, does Lurlene think this is normal? I'm all wigged out.

Dawn Rochelle goes home from camp, and even starts school in the fall! Go D.R.! Of course it's weird and awkward, and then because life doesn't suck enough as it is, she gets a letter from Sandy letting her know she's had a relapse. Aw, poor Sandy! Of course her daddy is a mess, and wants to take her to some clinic in Mexico. Another letter arrives soon, letting Dawn Rochelle know Sandy indeed IS in Mexico. Want to hear about her Mexican doctor? Who's got their money on him not being a cliche?:

My doctor is Dr. Sanchez. He's a nice little man with a mustache. His accent is soft and cute. [Cute??] I think his clinic is real nice, too. It's light and airy with red tiles and murals all over the place. There's a real nice garden with fountains, cactus and strange looking trees.

Do you guys think Sandy's dad actually took her to Mexico or Chevy's FreshMex?

Before long, Dawn Rochelle gets a telegram from Sandy's parents. Sandy died! Stop. I guess Mexico and West Virginia don't have phones! Stop.

Then the cute boy is nice to Dawn Rochelle at school, and life is somewhat better. I'd laugh, but when you're in junior high, attention from a cute boy can lift your spirits really high. Oh, hell, what am I talking about? It'd still lift my spirits damn high!

So that's the book. Yeah! That's it! You want to know the best thing about this whole book? AT NO TIME DOES ANYONE TELL DAWN ROCHELLE SHE HAS SIX MONTHS TO LIVE! Why is it the title?

Also, from that interview I just posted about:

BP: One of your books, Six Months to Live, has been placed in a time capsule at the Library of Congress, to be opened in the year 2089. How did that come about?
LM: That book got put in the time capsule because it was nominated by children from all over the country. Pizza Hut sponsors a reading program: Reading is Funda-mental. This particular year, they invited children to nominate their favorite books and write an essay why. They were going to take the top letter from each state and put it in the time capsule. They notified me that Six Months had been the most nominated book in the competition. It had won in three states. The grand prize letter was from South Carolina.

BP: Why that title versus any of your others?
LM: I've often wondered what is behind the phenomenon of this book as opposed to other books. It's one of the first serious books they run across after they've exceeded the Babysitter's Club. They're walking through the book fair and see Six Months to Live. It's a great title, you gotta admit. They just are mesmerized that a 13-year-old girl who is normal, just like them, could get leukemia.

I'd hate on the title a lot less IF IT WERE EVEN TRUE.

There are four more books in the Dawn Rochelle series, so we all know what that means! RELAPSES AHOY!

Sex or success, take your pick, or Too Young to Die

Too Young to Die (published 1989) was one of the Lurlene books I read early on in my Lurlene obsession. I have really vivid memories of reading this one (and its sequel I haven't tracked down yet, but hopefully I'll be reviewing it soon) at my parents' restaurant and loving it SO MUCH. This is always a huge warning sign; apparently young Ames was not to be trusted.

I do think this was Lurlene's first real attempt at writing a cancer book, and the reason I picked this one up in the first place this time around was that I'd just started the first Dawn Rochelle book, and I was all "OH MAN I HAVE SEEN THIS ALL BEFORE" so I figured I'd just go back to the beginning and take it from there. I mean, Dawn Rochelle can wait, right? The girl's got five books; I doubt she's going anywhere.

So, right, Too Young to Die. I scoured the web high and low, but I couldn't find the edition I grew up with. So here's what we've got to work with:


The book spends a lot of time telling us how pretty our protag, Melissa, is, so it's kind of sad they just put a really nondescript girl on the cover. If you want me to buy ravishing beauty, cover designer, you've got to GIVE ME ravishing beauty. Then again, you want me to think the hunky dude is, well, a hunk, and this guy's, like, hey, I just got my first job, and it's CASUAL FRIDAY!

UPDATED: the lovely and talented snappleaddict scanned me the cover I'd been searching for!:


Wow, could he be giving her a creepier look? As you'll soon see, no matter if this guy is supposed to be the boyfriend or the brother, that's pretty damn accurate.

Oh, right, do you guys want to know what the publishers want us to THINK this book is about? Here we go!:

At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she's even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever.

But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor's diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying.

Man, if there's anything I've learned from the Lurleneverse (and noted by Genevieve as well), the second your life starts to go as well as good grades and Brain Bowl (is that like being a mathlete?), you're gonna catch the cancer, no way out of it.

The book opens with Melissa and her BFF Jory getting up at 4 a.m. to help Melissa's brother fly his hot air balloon. Probably the technical term isn't "fly" but, you guys, I am not sitting here and researching proper hot air balloon terminology for you. My love only runs so deep. Just deal with it! Jory's going on and on and on about how hot Melissa's brother is and how baddddddddd she wants him, and Melissa just teases her instead of being all grossed out like I would be. This is probably because Melissa is obviously ALSO in love with her brother. Seriously, you guys, she can't shut up about him. Here are some excerpts:

He was dressed in well-worn jeans, and his black hair was still damp from a shower, all five foot ten of him smelling of clean, fresh soap.

. . .

Michael turned his sapphire-blue eyes toward her. Sometimes looking at him was like looking into a mirror. He had the same square face, high, angular cheekbones, and dark eyebrows as she.

. . .

Michael stood and stretched, his physique rippling with muscle.

That first passage in particular reminded me of this gross Sweet Valley High moment between Jess and Steven, quoted over at the Dairi Burger:

“Could you zip up my dress, please?”

. . .

“Sure” Steven said good-naturedly. He walked up to his sister, who was now standing before the full length mirror on the back of his closet door. He bent his six-one body over the zipper. It took a little maneuvering, but he finally managed to zip up the dress without damaging the delicate fabric.

Seriously, ghostwriter, I never, ever want to imagine Steven bending all six-foot-one of his body over Jessica.

As for that second passage, it's a little Chris and Cathy, yeah? Ewwww.

And as for the third? Well, geez, I've been won over. Now even I am hopelessly attracted to Michael. Oh, let me tell you guys some more about Michael. He's in community college, he works TWO JOBS so he can have a nice life and help out his poor, single, working mother, and he hot-air-balloons for fun.

So the first clue we're supposed to get that Melissa is illllllll is that she's draggin' her ass out of bed while Jory's all good morrrrrrrrrrrning! It's four a.m.! If being barely able to get out of bed at four a.m. means you have leukemia, I think almost everyone I know must have leukemia.

Actually, Melissa gets more symptoms in one page than anyone I've ever met in the Lurleneverse. In ONE PAGE she's got dark circles under her eyes, tons of unexplained bruising, fatigue, and uncontrollable bleeding. DUDE MELISSA THIS ISN'T GOOD. Also, this is PAGE TWO. Also every other second Lurlene mentions Melissa's waist-length dark brown hair, and you know any book that talks about long flowing luscious shining gleaming streaming flaxen-waxen hair is ready to chemo it all out.

Michael's all in love with the world post-balloon ride:

"It's incredible--high above the earth, seeing the world like a bird does. Man, it's almost better than--" He caught himself, glancing self-consciously at Jory.

"Better than sex?" Melissa finished drolly, quoting one of his frequently used descriptive phrases. "I wouldn't know."

"You better not."

Ew, Michael, shut up. You are not your sister's hymen's keeper.

So Michael is not into Jory at all, because she's rich and occasionally mentions she went somewhere fancy or, I dunno, shows up places in her nice car. It's really dumb; Jory's sixteen and can't help that her parents have money. She's super-nice and generous, so why does it make her a bad person? Okay, now I hate you, Michael, despite all your hard work and your rippling physique.

Jory encourages Melissa to be more into boys, but she's all I R VRY SRS STUDENT so because she wants to focus on her PSATs she apparently can't be into boys too. Whatever, fine. I have met people like this so I'll give it a pass even though it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, as boys can generally exist in the same world as good grades and PSATs. But then Melissa's occasionally mentioning all the dates she's been on in the past, etc., and I don't think it's very consistent. Anyone who has dated enough to refer to it like that isn't someone who doesn't get that you can date AND study. I guess the Lurleneverse is one of those places where all boys and girls date starting really young and go out on those totes proper date-dates, the kinds I don't think any high-schooler has been on in like two decades, yeah? Yeah. What a shock, the Lurleneverse not lining up with the reality I've lived through, right?

Despite this, Melissa is soooo into this dude named Brad. He's all RICH and HANDSOME, but also once Melissa is offered a spot on the Brain Bowl, he is too, so, wow, he is RICH and HANDSOME and SMART. If he's nice to his mother and not the keeper of anyone's hymen, I would say he officially wins out over Michael. Freaking Michael!

Melissa's mom isn't crazy about all the studying she's doing. Oh my god, Ms. Austin, you're a terrible mother! WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THAT EVER?:

"I want to go to college."

Her mother sighed. [OH MY GOD YEAH THAT IS SOOO UNREASONABLE.] "How did I ever end up with success-oriented kids? [Obviously not by leading through example.] All I wanted to do when I was your age was get married."

"I want it all, Mom. Lots of women have careers and families. [Not in the Lurleneverse, sweetie.] Why can't I do both? [Uh, bruises, fatigue, bleeding, your brother's close watch on your virginity....] You do."

"I had to," her mother reminded her. "I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and raise babies. But, when I did have to go to work, it would have been much easier if I'd had an education to fall back on. [Wait, what?] As it was, I started at the bottom."

Shorter Ms. Austin: My life would have been a lot better with a college education so why do you want one? UM MS. AUSTIN DOESN'T THAT ACTUALLY MEAN YOU AGREE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER? You're an idiot; I don't think an undergraduate degree could have fixed that.

Jory shows up for dinner; since her parents are rich that means they're never home and don't actually love her. I read this sentence a few times but I'm still confused:

[Jory's] auburn curls were streaked with hair paint, and her outfit was straight out of a fashion magazine.

Can you guys PLEASE tell me what hair paint is? I have to know! Is it like that hair mascara? I totally remember that from the 1990s. What else could it be? Also why would Jory have a totally normal ensemble for school but then paint up her hair for dinner at the Austins? Oh, right, I bet she was hoping Michael was there. God, Jory, I actually really like you, but haven't you figured out by now Michael will not be impressed by such attempts as HAIR PAINT.

After their first grueling week of school, Jory invites Melissa over for a movie night. This book is so dated, check it out!:

"You're ruining your table," [Melissa] noted irritably.

Jory shrugged. "The maid will clean it tomorrow. [Oh those rich bitches and their maids!] Are we going to watch movies or blabber?"

"Which TV? The one in your room, the den, or the family room?" Melissa asked, knowing that the irony of the question would be lost on Jory. Didn't every house have three TVs?

UH YES MELISSA ANY MORE THEY ACTUALLY DO. Mine has five that are used regularly, and a few more in storage. I have seen the future, and it makes Jory Delaney's TV set-up quite unimpressive!

Melissa, of course, falls asleep early and sleeps in late, which is basically me on many weekends too, because I am old, and also because giant Mexican dinners tend to do that to a girl. So if you guys wake up late on Saturday mornings, review and assess: Did I have Mexican last night? If yes, whew! If no, CANCER CANCER CANCER.

They spend the day at the country club where Jory's a member BECAUSE SHE'S RICH. Guess who's there? Brad! Him and Melissa walk off on their own and get all flirty, even though Melissa is terrified. Again, this is why I hate all the mentions of all the dates Melissa's been on. Sure, it's scarier when it's someone you're TOTES INTO because there's, like, all this pressure on it to be AWESOME but GEEZ Melissa does NOT strike me as having tons of boy experience. Also I spoke to Michael and he confirmed with some official hymen reports. Thanks, Michael.

I actually like Brad but then he gets kind of creepy:

"Melissa." His voice went low and quiet. "Can I unbraid your hair?"

Flustered by his request and change of subject she stammered. "Y-Yes. If you want."

He reached over her shoulder and pulled the tightly wound braid forward, unclasping the gold clip. She couldn't tear her eyes from his face, couldn't stop the emotions and sensations pouring through her body. Brad unwound the plait slowly, dragging his fingers through the thick, dark masses of her hair until the strands fell loose and free. He sifted it through his fingers like sand, gathering it into handfuls. A breeze spun wispy strands across her face. "God, you have beautiful hair." His whisper sounded worshipful.

OF COURSE IT DID. Ew, I don't want to read about Fetish Boy and his desire to fuck Melissa's hair. I mean, I know this is only here so we can be all "OH NOES" in a few chapters, but, grrross.

Meanwhile, teachers have noticed all the bruises on Melissa and assume her mom's beating her. I guess that's good to have teachers who'd notice! I didn't go to a very good high school; I probably could have come in with a bunch of black eyes and my arm in a cast and gotten zero response. Oh, crap, does this explain why I started dying my hair all those wacky colors; WAS I JUST AFTER SOME ADULT ATTENTION? Pardon me while I reexamine my life in style.

Of course Ms. Austin, while being a shitty mother in other ways, wasn't beating Melissa, so Melissa has to go to the doctor to figure out what's going on. If this book was set fifteen years in the future, Melissa the brainiac would be using the hell out of Mayo Clinic and would already see her diagnosis all laid out for her. Honestly, I can't believe she's this much of a genius and can't figure this one out as it is.

While getting tested, this dude stops by Melissa's room:

"I'd heard from the nurses that there was a fox on the floor. [Geez, way to be unprofessional, nurses!] They didn't lie." The male voice coming from her doorway startled Melissa so completely that the brush fell from her grip [again, with the hair, god, could she nail this one in any more?] and clattered to the floor. In the doorway stood a stranger, surveying her with an insolent, wolfish grin.

Then the chapter ends. INTRIGUE! Wolfish? Is he a Special? Luckily, the next chapter picks up right where we left off, all Dan Brown-style again, so we don't have to wonder for long. He's just some dude named Ricter Davis, Ric for short. Ricter? THE HELL? Whose name is RICTER? I agree with the commenter who wants to see the weird-ass name book Lurlene uses. By the way, are there other writers who read this? Have you ever bought yourself a name book? Man, it's awful, I'm always like, "crap, do I look fat in this or do I look pregnant? I'm just a writer who needs help with names!" Luckily the internet has eliminated my need for those embarrassing scenarios.

Ricter's all "THE TESTS DON'T HURT AS MUCH AS THE RESULTS DO" and runs off, well, as much as he can run with one leg and two crutches. God, I hate him, he's all straight out of a Sarah Dessen book with ALL THE INFORMATION but not sharing it.

Thing is, he's right! Ruh roh! Melissa's got leukemia! Oh noes!

Ric shows up again with this observation:

"Jesus, you're pretty."

There was a sadness in his whispered words she didn't understand. "So what? What do my looks have to do with anything?"

"Just an observation."

Duh, Melissa, only ugly people are supposed to get cancer. Also:

"Too bad about your hair."

"What about it?"

"The chemo will take it. It'll take it all."

HOW DOES MELISSA NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS? I swear this was the FIRST thing I knew about cancer treatments! And I didn't qualify for any Brain Bowl action.

The book then, like, totes skims over the first weeks of treatment at double-speed, which is weird considering the painstakingly detailed narration of all the symptoms and tests. Geez, Lurlene, you're letting your medical fetishism slip. I guess there's only room for so much fetish in one book? Seriously, I bet this book is held aloft in hair-worship societies.

Once the hair's gone, Jory the awesome BFF shows up with some silk scarves for Melissa to wear. Melissa's all OMG THESE COST IN THE DOUBLE-DIGITS which made me giggle. I know back then that was a lot to spend but ha! It isn't weird at all for me to buy a friend a gift totalling in the double-digits, and none of my friends have even have worship-worthy hair that fell out due to leukemia treatments.

Melissa writes this journal entry:

I met a little girl today named Rachael. She's four and she has cancer, too. She thought I was very old, being sixteen, and I thought she was very sweet and too young for these things they're putting us through at the hospital. She asked me if I was a mommy. Of course, I'm not. But I can't help wondering if I ever will be. Who will want to make love to me now that I'm sick? What would it be like to have a baby grow inside of me? Will I ever know?

I thought this was actually pretty realistic, and I did like that Lurlene dealt with Melissa wondering if anyone would ever want to sleep with her. Isn't that how we deal with so much of the traumas life throws at us? Go Lurlene for not just going with "who will love me now" or "who'll marry me now"! This book is weirdly sexual. God, what a relief. I mean, hello, teenagers + drama? If some hormones don't show up I'd be concerned.

So Melissa's doing better so she gets to go home before she achieves remission. Yay! From how I understand it, kids don't have to have these terribly long stays for leukemia anymore, not that I'm some expert. I'm just trying to know what the hell I'm talking about so I can provide you lovely people with some insightful information.

Melissa takes her PSATs waaaay before she should be back at school, but of course still hits the 98th percentile. Go Melissa! She then gets to go back to school, which is tough, even though she's wearing a wig of artificial, shorter hair. Everyone's all "oh, man, sucks you had to cut your hair" like WHY THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT CHEMO? No wonder Melissa achieved Brain Bowl so easily.

Sadly, Brad's met some new girl, which upsets Melissa even though she knows she has no chance anymore. This seems pretty realistic to me; I'm glad even though Brad was a semi-cool guy with a hair fetish, he acted the way a lot of kids would have acted. What can I say? Occasionally Lurlene strikes realism.

One day Melissa leaves school to be greeted by Ric. You guys ready for the creepy?"

"How did you find me?"

"I watched the school empty and kept an eye out for the pretty girls. I'd almost given up."

"I had Brain Bowl drill."

He glanced to the side. "Actually, I've waited for you before, but you always seemed to be with that girlfriend of yours."

Oh man, he's so straight out of a Sarah Dessen novel, stalking her into submission. Of COURSE Melissa starts dating him, basically because he's all "NO ONE ELSE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE I DOOOOO CANCER CANCER WE BOTH HAVE CANCER". Michael doesn't approve, because Ric's nineteen, and apparently poses a real threat to Melissa's hymen, but Jory thinks it's great. Melissa journals that Ric and his college friends are ultra-casual about sex, and everyone assumes they're doing it, even though they aren't. This is handled pretty well, actually, Melissa isn't casting judgment on anyone who is or thinks she is. Yay Melissa! Not being ready to have sex doesn't make her anti-sex, so I'm totally behind her.

Ric, though, is another story:

[After some making out.] "Let's go inside," she said to him while her mind swirled and spun with the sensations his touch was arousing."

"All right," he said, his voice husky. "But I won't always let you back off this way, Melissa. I'm not some high school kid, and I know what I want."

Melissa doesn't knee him in the groin like she should, she's just all, yeahhhh I understand. This is so gross. "Won't always let you back off"? Does that translate to "sooner or later I'm gonna rape you"? This is so wrong; I can't believe this is accepted. If I was writing this book, Melissa and Jory would team up to teach Ric a lesson about threatening girls with sex. Also, how does that make any girl actually WANT to do it? Ric, I hope the next time you try that line on a girl she shows you what's what.

So Ric asks Melissa away for Spring Break, and this is what he says:

"Ric... I don't--" She stopped, groping for the right words. "I mean... I've never...."

"I know you haven't, Melissa. But when you do, I want it to be with me."

OH MY GOD RIC YOU ARE SO FUCKING CREEPY. He couldn't phrase it in a way that suggests he actually wants to have sex with Melissa, noooo, he wants Melissa to give it up to him. Helloooo control issues. Ric is so getting sued for sexual harassment at a future job.

Melissa thinks it over and decides against it. I wish I could say that's because she realizes Ric is a disgusting control freak who thinks he can use force to get what he wants, but, no:

"Before I got leukemia, I had so many plans. I wanted to make the Brain Bowl team--no junior has ever made the final panel. I wanted to be a National Merit Scholar. I wanted to go to college and study law. I wanted so many things, Ric."

. . .

"But I still want those things, Ric. In spite of everything that's happened."

"What's that got to do with our spending the weekend together?"

"You aren't my only option in life, Ric. Please don't make me your only one."

Okay, I half-agree with her. Ric is all basically "YOU MUST BE WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE CANCER CANCER CANCER WE ARE EACH OTHER'S ONLY OPTIONSSSS" and that is NO reason to be in a relationship. That said, I have it on good authority you can have sex in high school and still GO TO COLLEGE and STUDY LAW. The implication sex limits your options is so, so wrong and soooo anti-sex I want to puke. After so many really refreshing mentions of sex in this book, I was so annoyed to have it all come down to SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL IS BAD EVEN IF YOU WANT TO AND TAKE PRECAUTIONS. Ugh, Lurlene, you've let me down yet again!

Melissa fights to stay on the Brain Bowl team, and wins, and is all set for her first big match. Jory shows up to go with her, and Melissa's thrilled Jory has traded in her funky clothes for "polished sophistication". Ugh. Jory's sixteen! Isn't it too early to worry about such things, honestly? If there are any sixteen-year-olds reading this, revel in your time to wear whatever you want, okay? A few short years from now you could be stuck in corporate dress-code hell, and you're going to really regret the years lost to polished sophistication.

Jory presents Melissa with a gift, which is a super-expensive wig made of human hair (ew, paging Chris March!) that looks just like her old hair. I do wish the lesson learned could have been that Melissa is just as beautiful without it, but, whatever, it's the sweetest thing in the world that Jory did it for her. And on that note, the book ends. OH MY GOD MELISSA SURVIVED! Smart move being the protag, Melissa. Knowing your BFF narrates the sequel, I'm a bit concerned.

Guard the retarded, or Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough

Oh my god, you guys. The used bookstore must have known I was coming, because stuffed in between a million other mass-market paperbacks was something amazing, a Lurlene book so old:

1. I'd never even heard of it
2. she'd yet to develop a disease fetish
3. it's not available online to purchase except used
4. the cover art/synopsis aren't anywhere on the web
5. the retail price printed on the book is $1.75

HOLY CRAP WHAT A FIND! Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough (published 1984). What's this treasure about? Not disease, you guys, not disease!:

Funny, Andrea thought. It's funny how quietly everybody talks when life-changing decisions are being made.

Andrea is thirteen and scared. She feels her family is falling apart. She can't even admit to herself that her parents are divorcing. They say that they love her, but she needs more than just words in her life.

Andrea's life does become better when she begins to understand some things [as do all of ours, yeah?]. . . especially when she finds someone special who begins to understand her.

You guys, I wanted you to see this so badly that I took a picture for you:


OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Check out Andrea's mullet! Check out her white skirt! Check out the matching shirt and socks! Also, seriously, this is the most misleading cover; I thought I was getting myself into a Sweet Dreams scenario, but this book is totes NOT a teen romance. That said, check out the dude's white jeans! Holy hell, they're amazing. Every single thing about this picture is amazing.

Okay, so some background info on how I write these recaps: as I read the books, I dog-ear any page I want to quote from/write about. Generally I do that about five to ten times for the whole book, generally closer to five. For this book, I did it twenty times. TWENTY. At a certain point I thought it might be easier just to retype the whole friggin' novel for you guys, but I managed to narrow it down.

So we meet Andrea Manetti, who is thirteen and about to start junior high! AW YEAH. At first I thought Andrea was a pervert, given that this is how the book opens:

They were at it again. Andrea Manetti sighed deeply. She got up from her sitting position on her bed and stood quietly beside her bedroom door, listening.

Actually, Andrea is listening to her parents fighting. Oh, well then! What are they fighting about? WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK?

The arguments were always about the same things... lack of money, her mother's desire to go to work, her father's insistence that she stay at home like a "normal" woman and take care of her family.

OH MY GOD I HATE MR. MANETTI ALREADY. Also, whyyyy the scare quotes around "normal"? I can just picture snotty-ass misogynistic Mr. Manetti making air quotes as he yells that. Also it's made clear that money is tight for the Manettis, so WHAT THE FUCK.

Andrea's dad storms out, and Andrea tries to distract herself:

Andrea picked up her newest copy of Teen, her favorite magazine, and began leafing through the pages. How she loved her magazines!

I was hoping Andrea's mom was awesome, given that I want to support her in her desire to be anything but "normal", but as soon as she yells upstairs for Andrea, that dream goes up in a puff of smoke and mirrors:

Suddenly she heard her mother's angry voice yell from the foot of the stairs. "For heaven's sake, Andi! Can't you hear the stupid phone? You know it's for you. No one ever calls me!"

Geez, I wonder why.

The phone call's from Terri, Andrea's BFF. She wants Andrea to spend the night, since school starts in TWO WEEKS OH NOES. Andrea goes to ask her beotch mom, who snarks that Andrea and Terri are just like Siamese twins (ouch, conjoined, anyone?), but does relent, as long as Andrea gets her brother for dinner.

Okay, so I thought "Siamese twins" was pretty bad as far as terms we used to think were okay and now know better. But I'd just glimpsed the tip of the iceberg, folks; I had no idea how it was all gonna go down:

"Andi... Andi..." he cooed to her. Timmy was such a beautiful child. She still found it hard to believe that her brother was mentally retarded. [RETARDED YOU GUYS.] He was six years old, but had the mental age of a three-year-old. According to his doctors he'd never be mentally older than twelve or thirteen.

Andrea could still remember when Timmy had been two years old. The doctors had told her parents about Timmy. At two, he still wasn't walking or talking. When her parents had him checked, the diagnosis had been, "Birth defect... retarded since birth."

It had been very hard on her parents, especially her father. His only son was hopelessly retarded. [HOPELESSLY RETARDED!]

Andrea hasn't told anyone about Timmy except a few friends, including Terri:

It didn't seem right that the whole world should know. ... What a life, she thought inwardly. [As opposed to...?] I have a retarded brother and arguing, bickering parents.

Oh WOE IS ME.

So she heads over to Terri's house, where they experiment with hair and makeup.

"Let's try some clothes on to fit my image," Andrea suggested. The two girls rummaged through Terri's closet and eventually settled on a purple off-the-shoulder sweatshirt, a tight pair of jeans and lavender leg warmers. Suede half-boots completed the outfit. [I'd make fun of this except that this outfit is perfectly passable now. Hello, I live one town over from Silverlake.]

"You look kind of neat," Terri said. [Ooh, hold back with the compliments, Terri.]

Andrea liked what she saw in the mirror, too. "It's not too bad," she said.

Lurlene has really nailed the way normal kids talk! Check out this from Terri's sister:

"Ah, Ma..." eighteen-year-old Julia complained. "Classes start next week at the junior college. I need out figure out my curriculum."

Andrea likes to give herself pep talks not unlike those that Melinda gave herself in her journal:

"Just wait!" she told herself fiercely. "Just wait and see!"

"Fiercely"? Sounds like someone's been watching too much Project Runway:


Back at chez Manetti, the 'rents are fighting again. Oh, them! There is this weird paragraph that ends this section:

"Thanks a lot!" her father said angrily to his wife as Andrea and Timmy left the room. Then her mom said something. [What?] The last thing Andrea remembered was her parents yelling and fighting with each other again.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?? Did she pass out? Did she catch some of that amnesia? What??

Andrea starts junior high, and keeps getting hassled by this tough dude named TONY COLUMBO. Oooh tough! He does stuff like pin her up against the lockers, trip her, grab her arm, totally manhandles her. I fucking hate Tony Columbo! I know Andrea's a whiner with a mullet who is ashamed of her brother's disability, but dudes throwing that kind of force at ladies just isn't cool.

So Andrea is really into singing and musicals and all of that, which is cool because if I had any talent I would be too! I think maybe Lurlene should have talked to some people who'd actually gone through choir and a school musical, though, before writing about them. You know how Andrea gets to be a soprano in her choir class? She just walks in and sits in the section labeled "soprano". Oh, okay! I guess all that time my teacher spent checking our ranges was just a waaaaste.

So of course Tony Columbo is in Andrea's choir class. She wishes he was nicer because he's good-looking. Oh, man, don't make these kids end up together. I hate abusive jerks, no matter what their excuses are. BECAUSE YOU JUST KNOW COLUMBO HAS AN EXCUSE.

The parents are, of course, still fighting:

"You're not going to get a job!" said Mr. Manetti to his wife.

"Why not? There's never any money for extras! We're already so far in debt that we'll never get out," yelled Andrea's mother.

"That's my problem! No wife of Jim Manetti's is going to work!" her dad said tensely. [Oh you fucking asshole! And how is it only YOUR problem, when the finances affect the WHOLE FAMILY.]

...

"You have plenty to do around this house," her dad continued loudly, "if you'd just get off your high horse and do it. I come home... the place is always a mess. And you want to go to work!"
"Oh, yeah," Mrs. Manetti shot back. "This is real challenging work -- cleaning house and washing dishes. We almost starve because you're such a big shot and don't want your wife to work and help out." [You tell 'em, Mrs. Manetti!]

"The kids need a full-time mother!" Andrea's dad yelled.

"Why?" she asked hotly. "Andi's in junior high. She's old enough to let herself in after school and to even start supper for me. Timmy's in that special school which costs an arm and a leg, I might add! The school also has day care. I can pick him up on my way home from work."

"You're not working!" he shouted.

"I AM WORKING!" she shouted back. She paused and added, "I already have a job."

That's right! Andrea's mom is working as a bank teller, and she loves it, and she's proud of herself! Okay then! Of course Andrea's dad storms out.

Well, of course, GUESS WHO'S GETTING A DIVORCE? That's right, we all saw it coming, just like cancer in a normal Lurlene book. Andrea's dad moves out, and she hardly sees him at all. Even on Christmas he only stops by for a short time, though it's long enough to be a total dick:

"Get off my back! [he says to Andrea's mom] "You're the one with the fancy job...."

NO OFFENSE BUT WTF DOES HE THINK A BANK TELLER IS? Yes it's a fine job but "FANCY"? The fuck? I really hate this asshole. I hope Andrea goes off to college and double majors in singing and women's studies and writes really angry music about her misogynist father.

In better news, the school is putting on a production of Grease. Grease is the word! Andrea is of course trying out to be Sandy. She auditions with "Hopelessly Devoted to You" which, YOU GUYS, was NOT in the original stage show, just in the movie, and wasn't added until that 1990s revival. Now, okay, I had to confirm this information on Wikipedia, but I'm still kind of ashamed I spotted this mistake so quickly. Since when am I some sort of Grease aficionado?

Also Lurlene refers to the chorus or ensemble as the play's "extras". OH MY GOD LURLENE. This stuff is NOT HARD TO CHECK. If you don't have one friend who was in a high school musical, then what the hell kind of life do you live? I myself have more friends who were than weren't.

Guess who's playing Danny in Grease? Well, Columbo, OF COURSE. They get along great, ugh. I hate Columbo! There's this weird scene where he offers to ride home on the city bus with her (Lurlene really has a thing about city buses, doesn't she?) and then says, "Come on, we'll walk down to the pizza parlor." THEN THEY GO TO McDONALD'S. And there is no explanation like "oh, well, this was waaaay closer." NOPE! Does Lurlene think McDonald's is a pizza parlor? She thinks the ensemble members are referred to as extras, so I don't doubt it.

Andrea tries this big effort to make a fancy dinner and get both of her parents in the same room, now that her mom has all this work confidence and new and stylish clothes, but of course her parents are all "NO WAY JOSE". In the craziness of this, Andrea leaves Timmy's door unlatched! YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT GOOD:

Because he was retarded, Timmy wasn't responsible enough to be left unguarded.

I mean, he's only seven, I'm not sure "because he's retarded" is the reason this is a bad idea, Manettis!

So Timmy cannot be found anywhere, and a news team shows up. YOU GUYS THIS IS HOW THEY REPORT ON THIS:

"Little Timmy Manetti, the six-year-old retarded son of divorced parents, Ruth and Jim Manetti, is missing..."

So I guess Fox News sent that one out. If I was a journalism teacher I would tell my students to think of eleventy billion ways better than this to break this story. HINT HINT NONE INVOLVE THE WORDS 'RETARDED' OR 'DIVORCED'.

Whew, Timmy is found the next morning, sleeping in some dude's truck. IT'S ALL GOOD. Knowing what I do about Lurlene's fascinations, I totes expected Timmy might show up dead, so it was a relief.

Grease is about to open, and Andrea's all Bitchy McBitch about her parents being divorced. Columbo's all, yeah, at least they both love you and your dad doesn't beat you up! He's got a point, Andreaaaaa. So her parents show up to see the show, and Andrea realizes she IS lucky! She is so loved! And her parents SHOULDN'T be together, because look how much happier everyone is now!

So, uh, at least while the lesson might have been that working women cause divorce, it was also that perhaps working women have better self-esteem and are happier. Also, sure, Columbo helps her come to that conclusion, but it's not like they ended up makin' out or even dating! I'll take that much, Lurlene, I'll take it!