This Brain Tumor Doubles as Birth Control, or Letting Go of Lisa

Gentle readers, I have returned and I am millions! Thanks for all of the emails and comments and blog posts regarding my absence. It's good to be back, in the Lurleneverse, where I belong.

(I mean, except I don't at all.)

You also might notice the beautiful logo now gracing this blog! Normally my friends earn YA-inspired nicknames when featured on this blog but I will pimp out my multi-talented and adorable friend Val who you should totes hire for all your graphic design needs.

I am kickstarting my triumphant return with a book my darling friend Kristy sent me from her fancy book job, Letting Go of Lisa (2006). I was super intrigued by it because the cover didn't look like our normal angelic flowery look-toward-the-heavens sort of thing, and, hey, I learned that lesson along with everyone else, but let's be honest here: I still totes judge books by their covers!

And what does that cover look like? Well, folks, I'm glad you asked:

Uhh is it just me or does that dude look a lot like John Simm?

Then I thought, ooh, maybe the book is about John Simm getting into a car accident and then waking up in the Lurleneverse! However I was wrong.

I also thought, given the title and the image, perhaps it was literally about LETTING GO OF LISA and therefore FALLING OFF A MOTORCYCLE and facing, I dunno, death, coma, need of organ transplant, discovery of hidden cancer like when that kid got it playing baseball.

Luckily such things as synopses exist so all y'alls can find out what it's actually about:

Nathan Malone has been homeschooled his whole life. He’s never spent much time with kids his own age and he’s never dated. His mother is now busy with his new twin sisters, so Nathan must enroll at the local high school for his senior year. On the first day, a girl on a motorcycle catches his eye and Nathan is excited to discover the girl is also in his English class.

Not only does Lisa ride a motorcycle to school, but she’s a loner who seems to come and go as she pleases. She doesn’t care what anybody thinks of her. Nathan is intrigued—he’s never met anyone like her or had such strong feelings. When he and Lisa finally start spending time together, he’s the happiest he’s ever been.

But Lisa has a tragic secret and, when she decides she’ll handle it herself, Nathan has to make a choice. Can he ever let go of Lisa?

I don't know. CAN HE?

So the book opens with our protag, Nathan Malone. He's starting his Senior year of high school, going back to a public school for the first time since his mom started homeschooling him in the sixth grade. Now before long we get all of this OMG BEFORE THE THING HAPPENED expositiony crap so I thought all of that was gonna be tied into why Nathan's mom started homeschooling him. But, no, this is never actually explained. Nathan's mom is just BETTER THAN YOU so that's why OH EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE'S AN OVERPROTECTIVE BITCH. To be fair that's the kind of characterization I can almost believe. I'm just saying, Lurlene, bring up something and ALSO bring up a secret family tragedy and you'd better EFFING CONNECT THEM OK.

So anyways, Nathan at least knows one person at school, his friend and neighbor Skeet. SKEET! Do you guys think it's Skeet Ulrich?


This picture is Australian, which may or may not explain how strange it is.

So Nathan's all Stresso McStressington because there are ALL THESE PEOPLE and HALLWAYS and CLASSROOMS and OMFG but the truth is I can relate because when I was in seventh grade I went to this really shitty Catholic school where the entire grade was made up of four girls and nine guys, and then the next year I transferred to public school into an eighth grade of approximately 250 people. I FEEL YOUR PAIN NATHAN.

Nathan is also freaked because while he was snailing his car into the parking lot someone on a motorcycle cut him off and gave him the finger. Oh my heavens!

Our homeschooler is shocked at the identity of the finger-giver:

"A girl?" Most of the girls Nathan knew were homeschooled like him, younger, all giggly and silly, and they didn't ride cycles and flash rude hand gestures.

Apparently this girl is Lisa, who the whole world's obsessed with because she's a loner and drives this black and silver bike with a red heart painted on it, and has long brown hair and creamy skin, and let's be honest here, if I'd gone to school with Lisa I would have been obsessed with her too. She fits the description of all my girl crushes.

Also I gotta admit that bike sounds hella sweet. Also SHUT THE FRONT DOOR did Lurlene come up with a "cool" character who actually sounds vaguely... cool?

Good thing I'm sitting down already.

Nathan says that the bike almost "creamed" him, which makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Anyways, Skeet's all gaga:

"Not a guy in the school who wouldn't give up his car speakers to get a tumble [Is that what the kids are calling it these days??] from Lisa. She's a knockout - transferred in as a Junior last January. Keeps to herself, though. I call her 'a heartache on a Harley'." Skeet pressed his hand over his heart.

I pressed my hand over my mouth as not to spew.

Lisa's the only one who's ever stood up the school's star athlete and most popular jockass. Guess what his name is? Are you guys ready? THIS IS SO GOOD. "Rod 'Roddy' Stewart, no relation to the rocker." OH MY GOD. Now if I wrote this effing book (which, uh, why would I write this effing book?) I wouldn't let a seventeen-year-old refer to Rod Stewart as "the rocker" but "that old guy my mom still crushes on, gross" though, DISCLAIMER, my mom hates Rod Stewart and would be ashamed I said that even hypothetically. My bet is Nathan's mom is all over him though. I mean in her mind.

Sorry, Mom.

Also I always think it's weird when there's a dude in your book named ROD STEWART for no apparent reason. There are like countless names; you don't have to pick one that matches a celebrity's. I assume Lurlene finished up the manuscript and her editor or agent was like "uhhh Lurlene, do you realize you've named a character ROD STEWART" and instead of doing a FIND-->REPLACE she threw in that little disclaimer. Way to get attached to something dumb.

Also way to speculate, Ames!

Skeet proposes that instead of going home after school, they stay to "drool over the cheerleaders". Uh did any of you boys in high school actually talk like that? Be aware if you answer yes we are no longer friends!

So at home after school Nathan's dad is cool but his mom, who had to stop homeschooling Nathan because now there are twin baby girls, is a royal heinous beotch. She's overprotective and talks about Nathan in front of him like he's not even there! Oh my god it's like she's someone's MOM or something. Sorry, Nathan, she's not actually that bad. She's just YOUR MOM. Shut up.

As Nathan's leaving the room he gives a MEANINGFUL LOOK at the refrigerator where a ratty old decaying piece of paper holding a child's drawing hangs. "Molly's last drawing." Wow, do you guys think this is gonna be important???

So do you guys want to know how Nathan and Skeet formed their bond?

Another sore spot in Skeet's life: a cold mother whose job was more important than raising a kid, and a stepfather who was downright mean to Skeet. Skeet's parents used to lock him out on weekends, rain or shine, and Nathan's family would take him in like a stray puppy.

Oh SHUT UP they did NOT. If they actually did, Nathan's family did NOT do the right thing by taking him in. What they SHOULD have done was called family fucking services.

Nathan and Skeet got to be friends, and bonded over their shared lurve of country music. Nathan clarifies it's not the twangy kind, but the new kind, so basically THE KIND THAT TOTALLY SUCKS. Anyways, Nathan plays guitar and Skeet plays... keyboard. KEYBOARD? Do you need a keyboard in a new country band? Hey, you guys, let's form a new country band! We will call ourselves the Lurleneverse and we will rule all.

Nathan proposes he writes a song about Skeet getting stripped and shoved in front of a bunch of cheerleaders by the jocks (god I hate high school) called "I Caught Your Heart While Chasing After Pigskin Blues" and Skeet pronounces that "demented". DEMENTED. The fuck? I do not think that word means what you you think it means.

(Right after that there's also a passage I debated writing about so I guess the pro side won out, but basically Nathan's twin baby sisters are loud, and he says they're "both screamers" and I felt really uncomfortable because I just don't know anyone who uses that term outside of a sexual context but that could just be my perverted nature (as well as the perverted nature of the people I know because let's be real, I do not exist in a vacuum!) but, please, people, don't refer to your baby siblings or your babies or anyone's babies as screamers to me. OK!)

So Nathan thinks he is a super writer! Luckily he has THE BEST WRITING TEACHER EVERRRRRRRR Mr. Fuller. Every week Mr. Fuller reads submissions, identified ONLY BY NUMBER, but only the best of the best. Nathan knows he'll be the first submission read. He's number 705 if you're a betting type of person. To that, Skeet replies, "I can't wait to see the movie" which I had to read like ten times because it doesn't make any effing sense. Does Skeet understand that not all writing is a screenplay? Now I'm POSITIVE it's Skeet Ulrich!

The other excellent thing about Mr. Fuller's class is that Nathan gets to sit behind the lovely Lisa. Skeet's all YOU ARE TOTALLY FALLING FOR HER and Nathan's all NUH UH I AM NOT I JUST TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME WITH YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

Skeet pointed his finger at Nathan in an imitation of firing a gun. "Pow. Dead meat at Lisa's feet."

Nathan tries to get to work on his writing submission that'll make Fuller orgasm, but he can't concentrate because he keeps thinking about Lisa and how he wants to bury his face in her hair. What is with all these hair fetishists in the Lurleneverse?

Nathan and Skeet are basically effing STALKING Lisa. To be fair, isn't that what you DOOOOO with your high school crushes? I used to have a crush on this dude who worked at a grocery store, so I walked there every day and got a candy bar. Then my friend told me he was gonna think I was fat if I kept doing that. So even though my parents owned a restaurant down the street where I could get all the free soda I wanted, I bought a Diet Coke every day. (I chose Diet Coke for two reasons, neither of which being that I drank it (though today it is my number one love in life, sorry, friends, family, and pets): 1) He would never think I was fat if I bought Diet Coke, and 2) Paula Abdul endorsed it.) Also I didn't have the nerve to, like, get his number or something, so my friends and I schemed and the best plan we came up with was for one of them to ask him what his sign was and then tell him that question was from me. It sort of backfired when he didn't know what his own sign was. ALSO BECAUSE THAT IS THE DUMBEST PLAN EVER.

ANYWAYS. Even though often this older dude drops her off on her own motorcycle, they don't think he's her boyfriend because:

"No kisses goodbye. No tonsil exploration. Is that SOP around here?"

"The tongue tangles?" Skeet shrugged.

If anyone ever tries to french you and dubs it "the tongue tangles" get the FUCK OUT OF THERE because this is not someone who knows WTF they are talking about. Also I don't picture kissing, I picture actual... tangling. Gross!

So Nathan and Lisa fiiiiiinally speak, and they sort of flirt but then Lisa retreats. Lisa's got game, I will give her that. You guys, I'm sorry, but even though Nathan and Skeet are goons, Lisa's kind of cool. Also she has blue-violet eyes, a color Nathan has never seen before. Are anyone's eyes actually that color? Does she also sparkle in the sunlight?

Oh, also, this will be important later: Lisa skips class a lot. Ooh Lisa, you rebel!

When Nathan gets home that night from school, his mom is planting a new plant. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT HAPPENS EVERY SEPTEMBER. Wake me up when September ends! Nathan's thinking crap like GEEZ MOM IT'S BEEN FOURTEEN YEARS SHUTTTT UPPPPPP but at least offers to dig a hole. His mom LIKES digging the hole because it's therapeutic.

Over the weekend Skeet has to come over because there's a bright red handprint on his face from his stepdad hitting him because Skeet smarted off to him. WHY ISN'T SOMEONE CALLING THE AUTHORITIES? Skeet, dude, I'm sorry. If you'd been my next door neighbor I would have been all over that. Then again I call the cops really easily. If you don't want a cop at your door, don't disturb my slumber, world!

In Fuller's class, submissions are read... none of them Nathan's! HA. Is it OK that I liked this? I liked this. At least he's not some kinda Mary Sue. Also he realizes that Lisa's hair smells like... Creamsicles. OMG! Now I'm obsessed with Lisa's hair too. It seems AMAZING. Goddamn I wish MY hair smelled like a delicious frozen treat. It just smells like tea tree oil because I just found out about this amazing shampoo and conditioner from Trader Joe's. CHECK IT OUT PEOPLE YOU WILL THANK ME.

Anyways the poem that's read is supposed to be like uneffingbelievably good, and, whatever. I am not a poetry person. I know that probably makes me some sort of uneducated dipshit, and I feel really bad about that, but I'm just not. So, whatever. I cannot judge. It's some sort of Icarus metaphor/retelling sorta thing. Nathan's all BOO HOO I AM NOT THAT GOOD.

I WONDER WHO IS! Oh magical student number 454.

So we get a random few pages from Lisa's POV. This paragraph is so badly - and redundantly - written I can't help but share it with all of you:

Lisa Lindstrom was unable to pinpoint the exact moment Nathan Malone came on her radar; she just knew that she slowly became aware of him, like a buzz one starts to hear in a quiet room. [OK at first this seems like a good metaphor.] One minute all is silent, [riiiight, like you JUST SAID... QUIET ROOM] then a sound begins to break through a person's subconscious [uhhh yes, also like you just said a BUZZ ONE STARTS TO HEAR] and annoys until the person has to stop what she's doing and go find the source. She tried to ignore him, this noise, but one day he broke through - she looked up and saw the most incredible blue eyes, [The same blue as your eyes? OMG if you get that reference I will internet tonsil tangle you] fringed with thick dark lashes, staring at her. Nathan's eyes.

Lisa, your inner monologue sounds like me when I've had two Manhattans and a Metropolitan, but before they come back up.

Lisa wishes she could hate Nathan. If only he was like the jockasses! "Or avant garde and far out like the goths"!! I am actually hanging out with my goth friend this weekend; I will be sure to notice all of her avant garde and far out behaviour, and be grateful this allows me to fairly hate on her.

Nathan and Skeet go to the Homecoming game, then an afterparty (OK I guess in high school which is not Hollywood it's just called A PARTY) where Skeet asks Nathan if he smells pot, and says if he wants some he'll have to pay. WTF! Have you ever been passed a joint and a collection basket at once? What cheapasses! I was a total straight edge in high school (I mean, not officially, I just feared things like alcohol and drugs and many types of fun) but I could have gotten so much free pot if I'd wanted.

I will say though that people are drinking beer and there's clearly (albeit pay-to-play) weed being smoked, and this isn't shown as like A BAD AND EVIL party. It's just a party. Also Nathan feels all out of place and thinks of himself as a "social retard" which is totally NOT COOL TO SAY but abso realistic. You guys shocked this is in the Lurleneverse? I myself certainly am. I would take a hit to calm myself down but I don't have anything to put in the basket.

Lisa shows up at the party, right as the jockasses pick a fight with Skeet and start calling him "faggot" which is totally upsetting but, again, spot-on. WTF! LURLENE DID YOU TALK TO SOME REAL KIDS OR SOMETHING? Lisa basically rescues them, and Nathan makes Skeet drive his car home while he jumps on the back of Lisa's motorcycle. I really love it that the girl swoops in, saves the day, and then carries our protag out on the back of her totally sweet ride. I'm not even being sarcastic!! Way to - well, you know, not embrace feminism but at least some girl power? This book is not making me so hatey.

So they drive around, get some gas, and then go to Borders or B&N and drink mochas. Uhhh again, totally normal for real teenagers to do.

Nathan finds out the dude who drops off Lisa every day is her mom's boyfriend Charlie. Lisa calls him "the man who lives with Mom and [her]" though. Boyfriend is totally an acceptable term, Lisa. As is partner. I like Charlie though because he's the one who bought the bike for Lisa. Also, believe it or not, this lack of marriage isn't seen as a bad thing. In fact, Nathan feels boring and conventional for having married parents. IS THIS OPPOSITES DAY?

He asks her out, but she says she doesn't date. Still, he is super excited!!! When he gets home "he threw himself across his bed" which is sort of adorable but also the sort of thing I picture a thirteen-year-old doing before kissing a picture of Zac Ephron or something.

The next day Nathan gets in trouble because his clothes and car smell like beer, just because it got spilled on him. He feels free saying he didn't drink, even though that was only because the fight started before he could. Again, OK, sure. This book is making my head ache by not being crazy.

Oh, good, we're back there. Nathan's dad is all WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS HOPE SCHOLARSHIP which means he'd have to go to a state school. Nathan says this means he has to live at home. This book takes place in Atlanta, Georgia, a state where I'm pretty sure they have more than one state school.

Soon Nathan and Skeet (I can't believe I've now typed "Skeet" so much it looks like a normal name to me) discuss Lisa, not that it's anything new. Nathan says he can tell she has secrets, and he wants to learn them. Skeet is wowed:

"Gee, most guys just want to get in her pants."

Nathan scowled. "That's crude."

"And that thought's never crossed your mind?"

"Knock it off, Skeet. Don't talk about her like she's some kind of sex prize."

Sex prize is a confusing term. Is it like someone whom having sex with would be like a prize? Or is it someone you're awarded for having good sex? TELL ME!

So Nathan gets his paper back in Fuller's class, and it's all marked up and says "pedantic, plodding and a rehash of old ideas" which is ironic given what a pedantic, plodding, and rehashing of the stereotypical tough professor critique that is.

For some reason, Fuller's criticism stung him like the tentacles of a jellyfish.

If that's true, Nathan, I hope you're planning to give all your organs away to strangers you've stalked/slept with!

At home him and Skeet practice their band, if you can call two guys without a singer and a drummer a band, and Lisa pulls her bike into the driveway, then backs up and roars off. Oh, Lisa. By now you don't seem cool, just wimpy. JUST TALK TO THE BOY OK.

Nathan and Skeet start auditioning drummers for their band which is a surprisingly good idea for these dorks. Lisa shows up with a girl she says is a great singer, Jodie:

She was a short girl with a round face, short dark hair and brown eyes. She was heavy, but pretty in her way.

OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU HATE OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE LURLENE? This is NOT Sweet Valley, California, is it?

Anyways, Jodie sounds just like Patsy Cline (lucky girl) and loves the other classics too: Loretta (aw yeah) and Reba (the HELL?). Do some research if you're writing about a music genre, writers! So now she's the singer, and "a kid named Larry" (LARRY?) who hates country music and wants to play rock will be their drummer. Well, this sounds like a fine plan.

Nathan takes Lisa around his backyard, and she loves all the plants and the koi pond (one of my worst nightmares!!!!), and notes that it looks like something used to be there. Nathan confirms this: there was a swimming pool where his sister Molly drowned. Ruh roh! FAMILY SECRET! He was three, Molly was six, she was supposed to be taking a nap but instead she went outside to swim and totes drowned. Aw, Molly, I'm sorry! Anyways, Nathan's all WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT, like, uh, Nathan, you're the one who brought it up.

Time goes by, the band becomes awesome, but Lisa continues to only hang out with Nathan at weekly rehearsals, never at school. He confronts her about this, and:

"Your 'I don't give a damn' routine doesn't hold up with me."

"I'll work on it." She looked shaken, tried to brush past him.

He caught her arm. "Not so fast." And before he could stop himself, he'd pulled her against her chest and kissed her full and hard on the mouth. She fought him at first, but he didn't let go, and as the kiss lengthened, it deepened. His blood sang in his head, tore through his veins like wildfire.

Hey, gentlemen: a little love advice from Ames. If a lady is pulling away from you and you have to force your lips on her, that's not romantic. That's a lot like assault. That can totally BE assault. THIS IS NOT COOL AND NOT SWEET AND IF A GIRL ISN'T READY TO KISS YOU LET HER GET READY.

Ugh I hate that in books like this girls always give into the kiss or they try to punch the kisser in the kisser and break their hand and their jackhole dad laughs at them. Way to send a lesson to the ladies! Think of how much nicer kissing is when it's consensual!

So Fuller finally reads one of Nathan's poems in class. I'm not sure why; maybe he lost a bet:

I stand and watch you from afar
I wish upon you, like a star
You see me not.
You come.
You go.
Still, I love you better than you know.

I guess stalkers need lousy poetry too!

So Skeet is dating the overweight Jodie, so him and Nathan go over to the apartment complex where both Jodie and Lisa live to hang out with the ladies. It's clearly kind of skuzzy, since that's what apartments are like in the Lurleneverse. I'm sorry, but most apartment complexes I've gone to are totes nice. Mine is adorable!

Cars were parked everywhere, and Nathan ended up blocking in a car that Skeet said belonged to Jodie's divorced mother.

WTF why would anyone identify someone this way? Seriously, did one of Francine Pascal's ghostwriters tackle this part of the storyline?

Lisa's actually out with her mom, so Nathan hangs out with Charlie, who talks about Shakespeare and teaches Nathan about cars. Charlie is frigging awesome. Lisa's sort of weirded out to see Nathan there when she gets home but she recovers, and her mom totes loves Nathan.

Nathan convinces Lisa to come and hang out with HIS family, where his mom harrasses Lisa because she doesn't want to go to college. It's rude but at least it's more real than all those people in the Lurleneverse who act like college is this totally weird thing only a few people do these days. Lisa accidentally touches this Christmas ornament that Molly made, and his mom freaks the eff out. She's so good about it though! She just nicely suggests laminating the picture on the fridge and putting one of those collector's baseball protective globes around the ornament. Lisa, way to be!

Then there's this MYSTERIOUS STUFF from Lisa's POV where her mom and Charlie are like "you're gonna have to start going five days a week" and Lisa's all BOO HOO I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME TO BE NORMAL so I guess Lisa's gonna die! Or at least get really ill. Or something. Sorry, Lisa, you are perhaps the coolest girl in the whole Lurleneverse, so this royally blows for me too.

Also we totally know it's radiation when Nathan spots tattooed dots on the back of Lisa's neck. He assumes she started a tattoo and changed her mind. Yes, Nathan, tattoos are started with a few dots in a grid. You have to come back every day FOR ELEVEN YEARS for it to be completed. SHUT UP.

Nathan's mom doesn't approve of Lisa, and tells him that the wrong girl now could be disastrous. I don't even know what that means! Does she think he has to list girlfriends on college apps and resumes? Is she talking about getting girls pregnant? I don't even know. Shut up, Nathan's mom.

Nathan can't take it that he doesn't know where Lisa disappears to all the time instead of going to class, so one day he skips and follows her. HOW ROMANTIC. Anyways, he sees that she's going to the hospital, and waits so he can confront her. She's angry, but he says he has the right to follow her because he loves her. OH GROSS. Just the way stalkers and abusers rationalize what they're doing. Ugh ugh NATHAN COME ON.

Lisa says if he comes over that night she'll tell him everything. He does, and she admits she has a brain tumor. She doesn't want anyone to know so she swears Nathan to secrecy. He complies but finds it hard to concentrate on the rest of life. Uh, YEAH. His heart's not even in the band's first gig at the VFW hall, which Skeet declares so dorky they could register it. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

After the concert, Lisa makes Nathan take her to a frat party, where she starts drinking, puking, and then ending up in so much pain they have to call for an ambulance. Poor Lisa! Tumors are mean. Nathan stays with Lisa and her fam while she's being checked out at the hospital, and doesn't even pretend he gets home on time. The next day his mom goes nuts screaming at him about this, but he still doesn't reveal Lisa's secret brain tumor. Lemme tell you, I would have let my parents know, but maybe I'm just not good at secrets. Also I never had a curfew so clearly I was working with some different standards to start with.

While hanging out one day, Lisa tells Nathan the reason her mom won't marry Charlie is that if she does, she loses her (and therefore Lisa's) health insurance. WTF. Is this true ANYWHERE? I thought marriage got you more perks not less! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Nathan invites Lisa to the Valentine's Day dance so they can double with Skeet and Jodie. Lisa accepts and:

Nathan's heart hammered. He wanted to hold her and kiss her beautiful mouth.

You sure got a pretty mouth!

At the dance we learn the band is no more, between Nathan's waning interest, and Larry the Drummer leaving for a rock band. Well, hire a dude who really wants to be in a rock band, expect that he will eventually leave you for one.

After the dance, Nathan goes back to Lisa's with her and DECIDES TO SPEND THE NIGHT I AM NOT KIDDING. He calls his mom to tell her and she says the greatest thing ever ever EVER:

"That girl is poison!"

The next day Lisa goes to Nathan's with him, and his mom is all OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA GET PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! and I expected this to be all NOOO WE JUST STAYED UP TALKING but nooooooo instead Lisa says:

"That won't happen, Mrs. Malone. I won't get pregnant because, you see, I won't live long enough to ever have a baby."

Lisa, I don't think that's actually how it works, but good thinking. ALSO THIS MEANS THEY TOTALLY HAD SEX AS TEENAGERS WHO ARE NOT MARRIED AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THEIR SIDE OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING THE EARTH IS GOING BACKWARDS AND WATER IS GOING BACK INTO MY DRAIN THE LURLENEVERSE KEEPS UNSCREWING.

I need to lie down for a bit and deal with this.

OK well my love is a bit short-lived because then in the next chapter Charlie has to go and thank Nathan for settling their girl down, which, ugh, isn't she only eighteen? Also I hate this notion that that's what a real relationship is. Again ESPECIALLY AT EIGHTEEN. Whatever. I still like you, Charlie. Will you buy me a bike?

So Lisa tells Charlie she has to go for some tests and will call when she's done. Except she doesn't! And her number is no longer in service! And they go to her apartment and the building manager is cleaning it out because the tenants have left!

Nathan tracks them down, though, and finds out Lisa is someplace in Miami (she's from Florida originally). He goes and finds her in basically a hospice, but one that is set in beautiful scenery so she can be surrounded by that when she dies. However, she is now blind. Also she's bald, but that doesn't seem as bad as the blind thing. She doesn't want him to see her like this but of course is glad he's there. They talk about the night they spent together and both say they have NO REGRETS OMG. This book is awesome at least for that. Also Lisa admits to being student 454, the genius author of the dubiously genius Icarus poem.

Anyways, Lisa OF COURSE dies (not that second or anything). Nathan gets accepted to a school in Kentucky. I hope it's in Louisville, because that is actually a very cool town. Also he plants his own memorial tree for Lisa in the backyard of death plants, with his mother's help. I guess they've stopped hating each other, so everyone can live happily ever after.

You know. Sort of. People did die and all. At least Lisa got some first!

Could it be that Lurlene is... wrong?

My friend Stacey sent me a link to a really interesting article about childhood leukemia risks:

However, it is also thought that contracting some childhood infections - which are often readily spread in environments such as playgroups where children are in close contact with each other - may prime the immune system against leukaemia.

Conversely, if the immune system is not challenged in early life, this is thought to raise the risk of an inappropriate response to subsequent infections, making the development of leukaemia more likely.

Wow, so those dreaded working moms, putting their kids in... gasp... daycare? Probably less likely to have kids who develop leukemia. Take that, Lurleneverse!

An angels trilogy conclusion does not actually require any angels, or Until Angels Close My Eyes

We arrive at last to the not-thrilling conclusion to the Amish/angels trilogy, Until Angels Close My Eyes (published 1999). I've got a feeling SOMEONE's goin' down this time. I certainly didn't suspect it with the last installment, most especially not Rebekah, well, okay, not until she talked about a visit from the way-too-literal angel, but this time I feel it in my bones. Let's hope that's not a symptom!

Our friendly marketing department wants you to know this about the book:

When Neil, Leah's warm and loving step-father, reveals that his cancer is no longer in remission, Leah finds comfort in a visit to Amish country to see her true love, Ethan. When Ethan chooses to leave his life on the farm, he moves in with Leah and her family. But once Ethan arrives, they realize that his Amish values are quite different from those of Leah's complex "English" world. Will their love help, or hurt, Leah as she faces the complex hurdles that await her?

If you guys are HOLY HELL SHOCKED about Neil's cancer, well, you aren't alone! But be patient, my loves, I'm getting there. First, let's look at the beautiful cover:



Leah's pretty! Ethan's still in his sort of Amish, sort of English clothes. But don't worry, you guys, there's a buggy in the background, so you won't get confused as to what kind of story this is.

Also, doesn't this sort of look like a Little Golden Book with that weird ass border on the left side?


I really wish I could promise you guys this book would be as entertaining and intelligent and moving as just THE COVER of the Shy Little Kitten is, but I don't feel right misleading the public.

Again, nowadays this book is part of a prepackaged trilogy:


So the beginning of this book is like a friggin' trainwreck in progress. I know Lurlene has been going more and more for just starting a book right in the midst of things (Leah already in the hospital for her broken finger, for just one example), plus I know enough about basic book-writing to be aware that it generally is best to open on the action of an important event (i.e. why should this book begin this day of all days) but OH MY GOD LURLENE THIS IS NUTSO EVEN FOR YOU:

"Leah, we need to talk." [Yes, this is how the book opens!]

Leah Lewis-Hall flicked off the TV [back when I was in Catholic grade school, we said 'flicking off' instead of 'flipping off' so I just got an awesome mental picture involving television and Leah's extended middle finger] and gave her mother her full attention. "What's up?" She knew something was wrong. For days, her mother had seemed edgy and uncommunicative. Most unlike herself. Leah's mother usually had something to say about everything. When Leah had come home from school that day, the house had been empty and there had only been a terse note: Neil and I will be back before supper.

Her mother sat down on the edge of the sofa. "I'm sure you've noticed that things haven't been exactly normal around here lately." [Mmm, how I like a piping hot fresh cup of exposition so early on in a book!]

"Are you and Neil having problems?" Leah asked, fearing the worst.

. . .

"Yes, we're having problems," her mother said.

But she doesn't mean, like, marital problems. NEIL HAS CANCER. NEIL HAS HAD CANCER. WAIT WHAT? Neil had cancer long ago, before his first wife died. Also, you guys, Neil is really old! He's sixty-eight! This keeps getting hammered in, with talk of an age difference and the fact that he's a widower, and on and on. OKAY THIS IS THE THIRD BOOK SO WHY ARE WE JUST LEARNING OF NEIL'S AGE? Did Lurlene just realize she wanted to throw in this old age/cancer subplot so she turned Neil old?

Okay, you guys, I have a confession, and I might as well come clean about it right now. At the same time I was reading this book, I was reading the absolutely lovely Sweethearts by my current Y.A. hero Sara Zarr. This book also featured a really nice stepdad who moved a mother and daughter out of financial hardship to upper middle-class comfort. It also featured A BOYFRIEND NAMED ETHAN. Now, Zarr writes really beautiful prose, believable characters, refreshing and new plotlines. But YOU CAN SEE HOW I WOULD OCCASIONALLY GET A LITTLE CONFUSED. I feel like I owe Zarr ten boxes of her favorite candy to apologize for this, but it's the truth, and you guys know how super committed I am to the truth. Anyways, I am going to do my best to keep the two books straight! You guys just deserve the warning. Also, again, Sara Zarr, I am so, so very sorry. I promise I will never, ever again confuse one of your books with something in the Lurleneverse.

Anyway, back to Neil's cancer. He's in the friggin' hospital! It's really bad! Leah's PISSED OFF. I mean, worried, but PISSED OFF. Why, she wonders, didn't anyone ever tell her that her stepdad has battled the same disease she did? Why didn't he help prepare her for what she had to go through? Why was there such epic dishonesty? Oh, they kept MEANING to tell her, but there was just NEVER A GOOD TIME.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WHAT???

I totally do not believe Lurlene ever had any clue Neil was A) old or B) cancerous. Considering book two in the trilogy JUST SORT OF ENDED, I doubt she was all set to go on the third book's plot, outside of lots of YA romance crap between Leah and Amish-or-will-he-go-English Ethan and, you know, ANGELS. So then she was all "OH CRAP WHAT ELSE CAN THIS BOOK BE ABOUT" and spun her little Wheel of Lurleneverse, and it totes landed on SOMEONE (ELSE) HAS CANCER.

Leah and her mom go to visit Neil at the hospital. Guess what his doctor is named???



Dr. Howser!!! AWESOME.

So Neil asks for some time alone with Leah, and he tries to be all "NO IT'S TOTALLY OKAY I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CANCER EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD CANCER TOO" but she's not having it. Seriously! This is so stupid I want to scream. Neil promises to be honest in the future.

Leah writes her Amish beau Ethan a letter about this news, and laments that IF ONLY HE WEREN'T AMISH because then she could just call, text, email, IM, Facebook 'poke', MySpace message, or tell him to check her LiveJournal for a filtered post. You guys, I would never survive dating the Amish.

Leah's back in school, and apparently her only friend is this girl named Sherry. Is Sherry cool and popular? Well, of course not:

Sherry was overweight, and therefore not on the social A-list.

OH MY GOD LURLENE HATES THE OVERWEIGHT. You know, I'm not saying popular cliques are chock-full of kids representing the entire body size spectrum, but there are usually one or two overweight kids who are super cool/popular/whatever for reasons that have nothing to do with maintaining a size 0 figure. Whatever, I know yelling at Lurlene for sizism is lame when there are so many worse offenders in the YA genre, I just think that "therefore" is a little inaccurate. I'm just glad Sherry's a nice girl and not always, like, written shoving food into her mouth.

So I like that the subject of dudes comes up, and Sherry asks if Leah has one, and she's all, "yeah, I do, but he's Amish, so it's totes complicated". I seriously hate how many books I've read where the protags won't cop up to their romantic lives for one reason or another, so it's refreshing that this is just a no-brainer to Leah. Of course, after getting through Neil's Big Cancer Deception, she's probably going through a big truth phase.

So Leah goes to hang out with Neil and her mother at the hospital, where two notable things occur. Firstly, THERE'S A WOMAN DOCTOR IN THE LURLENEVERSE. HURRAH! Secondly, Neil refers to Leah as his daughter, not his stepdaughter. This pleases her. It's pretty sweet. I like Neil, despite his rapid aging and plot-convenient cancer.

The doctor tells them there is evidence of cancer in Neil's liver, and Leah's mom is all I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOOLS! which, just, oh my god, I get there's a stage of denial, but Leah's mom just seems more like an idiot. Neil is able to talk some sense into her, whew. We're so lucky to have Neil, you guys. FOR NOW.

Ethan writes back to Leah and lets her know how sorry he is. He is still dressing English on the weekends (that sounds like a euphemism, though for what I'm not sure). Also he adds this delightful P.S.:

P.S. Charity says that I am to tell you hello. Hello.

UM DOES LURLENE UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OLD-FASHIONED AND STUPID?

Neil comes home from the hospital, and will do chemo on an outpatient basis. I mean, I'm sure he's gonna be fine, you guys, right?

Leah and Sherry are talking about their respective boy problems (Amish, a jock asshole who hates the unpopular and overweight), when Sherry lets out this gem:

"If only boys thought like girls instead of boys."

Um WHAT? I mean, I get what she's saying, because there are so many girls whose friends see their beauty and whom guys don't seem to notice, but, trust me, Sherry, the boys who think more like girls when it comes to dating are really, really not going to be into you. (Though they will happily take you out to meet boys together.) I was just wondering if gay people even EXIST in the Lurleneverse, but then I remembered Brian's uncle WHO DIED. (Then again, Lurlene kills off enough heterosexual people I doubt she's making a statement there. Still, one gay character, one death, lookin' a little bad to me, Lurlene.)

So this dude that Sherry's into is described as having "hands as large as ham hocks". WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE BIZARRE HAND METAPHORS?

Neil is doing okay with his chemo, but it's exhausting him, and he can't keep up with his collection of antique cars like he wants. He wants Leah to help him sell them, but she urges him to keep them. Aw, I would too, and not just because I'd totes be in complete denial (but not the stupid kind afflicting Leah's mom). Neil asks about Leah's college plans, and she's all, oh, pish posh, college, I don't really like school. Hey, what happened to being interested in nursing, Leah? This is such a badly-planned trilogy.

So I know this is a really middle-class view of mine, but considering that Leah easily falls into that in these books, and considering quite a few of Lurlene's heroines do, I think it's weird college is seen as something SOME people do. When I was in high school, everyone was pretty much expected to go to college unless they were, like, seriously academically-challenged (and even those kids were encouraged to go to community college or whatever). I think it's seriously badly-researched/imagined on Lurlene's behalf that college wouldn't be basically an automatic thought, most especially when she's dealing with kids of a certain class or above (which isn't to say I think college should be limited to certain classes, I just know it's sort of ridiculous to paint the image of wealthy ol' Neil and all of his cars, and yet Leah without a thought in the world about college).

Leah is reflecting back on her other stepfathers, and how friggin' awesome Neil is:

She'd never had a stepfather like Neil. The others had been imitations, men who had been indifferent to her - or worse, overly friendly.

AND THEN THAT IS DROPPED. WHAT WHAT WHAT. "Overly friendly"? Was Leah, like, molested? Was there just inappropriate, like, leering? How can you just throw something like that in and never get to it again? That is kind of a big fucking deal, Lurlene! Seriously, I know I've mocked every one of Lurlene's books I've read so far, but this book is sooo poorly-written I'm just kind of blown away. The prose itself is fine, nothing special, but in general not cringe-worthy, but the fact that this book seems to have been entirely conceived long after the first two were written is sort of troublesome. Use a fucking outline, Lurlene.

So of course Leah's missin' her man soooo much, so she decides to spend the week after Christmas with Kathy in Nappanee. Considering Neil's health, I'm sort of surprised her mom just lets her go, but she does, and YAY ETHAN. Or something. These kids are mighty happy to see each other, but there have been a lot of changes for Ethan. He got his drivers license! And now he lives in Football Hands's party apartment. Leah also learns that Charity is so pissed off about Football Hands's rumspringa doings that she won't date him any longer. Charity, you were the one so eager for an, albeit, temporary English makeover, but, whatever. I'm just glad she's come to her senses about him.

Leah and Ethan attend an Amish-acting-English party while she's there, and Ethan confides in her that he wants her help to track down his shunned brother Eli. Wait, this clarifies that since Eli was never technically baptized, he isn't technically being shunned. So basically, him and his family are just assholes. Leah agrees to help, and says they'll go to Neil, because Neil knows how to do everything. You know, I really like Neil, and I like the relationship between Leah and Neil, but I'm not crazy about how Leah and her mom were totes helpless before the big, strong, rich man came along and made them a proper family, or how Leah goes to Neil for basically everything now. Couldn't there be anything Leah's mom is good at, besides saying dumbass things to medical professionals? Whatever, I'm wanting way too much out of the Lurleneverse.

So of course Leah doesn't want to leave, and Ethan doesn't want her to, but obviously she has to. So Leah comes up with the genius idea that Ethan can come back with her and stay in her basement for awhile. Someone's been watching too much Roseanne! Ethan agrees, and they go to tell his parents. His father's reaction involves a description of his big hands which, seriously, WTF is up with all the big hands in this series? His mother offers up this advice:

"Remember the words of our Lord," she said. "'You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?'"

I know it's a metaphor, and it's from the bible, but, please, salt CANNOT lose its saltiness, okay? It is saltiness embodied! I mean... it's SALT. Way to choose a weird passage, Ethan's mom.

Finally they leave right away for Leah's. When they arrive, the power's out, so of course Ethan's all YEAH IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME YOU CRAZY ENGLISH PERSON I DON'T NEED NO STINKING ELECTRICITY.

How do they keep warm?

"We can do as the Amish do," Ethan said. "We can bundle."

"How do we bundle?"

"It's an old Amish custom, not always approved of by parents and elders. But when dating, a boy and his girl will lie in bed together. They do not remove their clothes, but they spend the night in each other's arms."

Leah's jaw dropped. "This is an Amish custom?"

"Sex without marriage is forbidden," Ethan quickly added.

"I'd guess so. But--wow--doesn't bundling sort of invite trouble?"

Ethan chuckled. "Winters are long and very cold. Amish couples do it to keep warm."

Yeeeeaahhh, I'm sure they do. You know what else keeps you warm, and doesn't require any electricity unless you've got some specific fetishes?

Finally the power comes back on, and Leah and Ethan have New Year's with lots of TV and junk food. Sound ideal! Leah's mom and Neil arrive home to find them asleep in front of the TV and are TOTES PISSED. They assume the kids were doin' it and... got dressed and fell asleep... in the living room... with a bunch of junk food? Also, um, if you guys are that freaked about the possibility of Leah having sex, WHY DID YOU LET HER RENT AN APARTMENT ALONE FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BEING NEAR HER BOYFRIEND?

Are you guys sick of me pointing out what a shoddily-written trilogy this is yet? Because this is a really shoddily-written trilogy.

Luckily Neil steps in (YAY NEIL ALL-POWERFUL MAN CREATURE) and believes Leah and gets Leah's mom to believe her too. Ethan gets to stay and help around the house. He's put in charge with taking care of Neil's prized cars, so that Neil can keep them but in the condition they deserve.

Leah tells her mom she's helping Ethan find his brother because she too knows what it's like lack for a family. Her mom's all "I WAS your family!" and Leah actually says, "You worked." OH MY GOD. NO, LEAH, NO, THAT IS SO NOT OKAY TO SAY. YOUR MOM LOVED YOU AND WANTED THE BEST FOR YOU AND GUESS WHAT NONE OF THAT IS FUCKING FREE.

So Ethan gets a part-time job with the local vet, because he is so good with animals and loves them so much (first I'm hearing of it, but fine). He's really settling into this English lifestyle, and Leah's fam loves him! But that's the only good thing goin' for Leah's family; Neil's cancer is back! It's worse! OH NOES! Neil tells her she'll have to take care of her mother, who'll be in denial (SHOCKING I KNOW), and then goes on to tell her the whole reason her mother left her father is that her father suffered from paranoia and was dangerous!! Her beloved grandmother thought her mom was totes wrong and tried to sue for custody! That's why there was all that pesky estrangement! Leah's mind is BLOWN. Goddammit, doesn't anyone in this family ever talk to each other? Good thing Neil is around.

Leah confronts her mother, and learns her mother kept marrying richer and richer men to improve their station in life. And she's all "Oh, okay then!" WHAT? So you totes disrespect her for WORKING, but marrying for money is cool? This is pretty fucked up stuff.

(By the way, randomly, Lurlene refers to gossip at school as "scuttlebutt". PLEASE TELL ME ONE HIGH-SCHOOLER YOUNGER THAN ONE-HUNDRED WHO HAS EVER SAID THIS.)

Neil tracked down Eli! Of course he did; Neil can do anything. It was really difficult because Eli changed his name to Elias. Oh, yeah, that'd complicate things. Seriously, there is no mention of the internet in this book, and since it was written in 1999, that's wicked stupid. Lurlene, you are frustrating me somethin' fierce.

Ethan and Leah go to visit Eli/as, and the boys are totes thrilled to see each other. Eli/as has a wife, Camille, who's a Mennonite, a fact Ethan knows would piss off his parents. THOSE HEATHEN RULE-BENDING MENNONITES. Eli/as and Camille have two sons, Timmy and Jason. Eli/as is soooo over being Amish, but Ethan urges him to at least visit the fam again, since he was not OFFICIALLY shunned. Eli/as isn't up for it. But Eli/as urges Leah to go to college, and Leah urges him to talk to his family, and they both promise to consider the other's POV. Okay then!

When Leah and Ethan arrive home, they find a note that Neil is in the hospital. OH NOES. Though does anyone have a cell phone in the Lurleneverse? If my daughter drove around as much as Leah does AND HAD ONCE HAD CANCER I'd give her a fucking cell phone. Also think of all the fun Lurlene could have had making Ethan amazed at the technology of a cell phone!

So Neil is going to die. Oh DAMN. Despite him being, like, proof that every family needs a man to make it count, I actually like Neil. After he dies, Leah says, "I love you, Neil," then realizes that name isn't "enough" and calls him Daddy. It's sweet, except there's nothing lacking about, ya know, calling someone Neil v. Daddy. Right? I dunno. It's not like Leah's mom calls him some special love-name instead of Neil, right? Why am I getting hung up on this, it's such a nice moment! I guess I just think stepparents can be just as loved as parents, and you don't have to say they've moved on from being "just" a stepparent to get that kind of love. Well, you know, outside of the Lurleneverse.

Leah finds out Neil left all his cars to her with instructions to sell them so she can go to college. Neil, that's pretty awesome of you. Aren't you shocked, Neil, that Gabriella didn't show up to usher you into heaven? I mean, it happened to Rebekah, and also this is a friggin' ANGELS TRILOGY with NO SIGN OF AN ANGEL IN THE CONCLUSIVE VOLUME YET. You guyyyys, this is such sloppy writing.

Leah is anxious to share her news with Ethan, but when she finds him... HE'S DRESSED AMISH. Oh man! You can take the boy out of Nappanee, but you can't take the Nappanee out of the boy. He promises her she was not part of his fling, but part of his life, and says she'll be in his heart "until angels close [his] eyes". WHAT? THAT IS ALL THE ANGELNESS WE'RE GETTING IN THIS BOOK? There is a fucking DEATH and yet this is IT? Lurlene, geez, this is pathetic. I had no clue I could still find it within my heart to be disappointed in you.

Except... the book ends with Leah realizing her and her mom ARE a family, just the two of them. FINALLY LEAH! FUCKING FINALLY! It took you long enough, and was not exactly the kind of conclusion this book called for since, you know, THERE WEREN'T ANY GODDAMN ANGELS.

I'm just shocked a heroine in the Lurleneverse WHO HAD CANCER made it through three books alive. Hooray for very, very small miracles.

No pun intended.

The bible is right and your doctor is wrong, or Angels Watching Over Me

Just like I couldn't get enough of books about sick kids back in the day, I can't really get enough of the Amish. They're fascinating! I know there is nothing unique about a fixation on their culture; I'm sure lots of us share it. So basically Lurlene hit the jackpot when she figured out a way to combine both diseased kids and the Amish. Lurlene, seriously, you're a friggin' genius.

I mean, sort of?

The first book in the Angels trilogy is Angels Watching Over Me (published 1996), a title we'll discover is less about beautiful metaphors than it is painfully on the nose. What is this one about? The publishers say:

Happy Holidays! Bah humbug. "Happy" is not the way Leah Lewis-Hall would describe herself at the moment. She's spending her twelve days of Christmas in an Indianapolis hospital, while her mother is thousands of miles away on a honeymoon with husband number five. Leah went to the doctor with nothing more than a broken finger, but he ordered her to undergo some tests. Now she's stuck in the hospital, alone.

Then Leah meets her hospital roommate, a young Amish girl named Rebekah, and her big family. Cynical sixteen-year-old Leah has never known people like this before. From Rebekah's handsome brother, Ethan, who can barely look Leah in the eye, to her kind older sister, Charity, the Amish family captivates Leah with its simple, loving ways. When Leah receives frightening information about her condition, her new friends show her that miracles can happen. And that sometimes angels appear in the most unexpected places.

Man, Lurlene really hates mothers, doesn't she?

So I went in search of an image of the original cover, which somehow lead Google to turn up with a disturbing image of the always-heinous Rachael Ray all lathered up in a sink. Listen, Google, it's enough of a struggle not going crazy reading all these glimpses into the Lurleneverse, don't ever do that to me. Also, what about the search terms angels watching over me lurlene mcdaniel should induce that sort of result? Sorry, guys, for taking you there with me. Anyways, this is the original cover:



Nowadays it's packaged in a trilogy with its two sequels:



Leah's a little hotter in this one, I think. Also, at least this one gives a promise of the delightful Amishness contained within! God, you guys, I can't even tell you how much I would have been into this book at twelve or thirteen. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it's a true thing!

So the book opens right up at the hospital! None of this getting to know our character or caring BEFOREHAND, nope, why waste any pages on that? Leah Lewis-Hall has a broken finger, and yet the doctors want to run tests and not let her go home for Christmas. That's fine, because her mom is on her honeymoon with her fifth husband and doesn't really give a shit about Leah. By the way, Leah's last name is hyphenated for some reason like her mom was gonna get married a lot so why make Leah hang onto only the name of her father when there were going to be a lot of stepfathers? It's really hard to understand what exactly Leah is telling us, so let's just sum it up: Leah's last name is hyphenated because she has a bad mother. Good mothers take their husbands' names, people! Another life lesson from the Lurleneverse!

Obviously this is one of Lurlene's books, so we all know that broken finger isn't going to be JUST a broken finger! Leah's mom is being all "WHAT KIND OF DOCTORS ARE THESE THAT WOULD KEEP YOU THERE FOR A BROKEN FINGERRRR" which, I don't know, is something that if it was happening to me I'd think I'd go, oh, wow, they must have noticed something alarming and they want to check it out. Is that true, or have I just been sucked full-force into the Lurleneverse? Now every sleepy morning, every ache and pain, every bruise makes me panic. Thanks, Lurlene!

Still, I think Leah's mom sounds dumb. But while Lurlene wants us to think she's a bad mom who likes all her marryin' and honeymoonin' more than her kid, I don't think this part is supposed to alarm us. I think my mom would have caught on, but she's one of those wicked working women, so clearly she isn't to be trusted.

Leah's mom asks if she should come home from her honeymoon, but obviously she wants Leah to say no, and Leah is happy to, which makes Leah's mom thrilled she can stay in Japan. Oh my god, you're an awful mom! If my mom didn't come straight home, underestimation of the severity of my medical condition or not, I would have been pretty upset.

Luckily a super nice nurse named Molly comes around to check on Leah. She lets Leah know the hospital is totes jam-packed so Leah could end up with a roommate. Molly is jealous of Leah's mom's trip, and says that because she has two kids, her and her husband probably won't get to travel until they retire. Leah's all, whoa, how friggin' boring that must be, which warms my cold little heart. A teenage girl in the Lurleneverse who isn't dreaming of marriage and babies? Awwww yeah.

Leah's knee starts to hurt (BAD SIGN LEAH!) but she doesn't get all panicky like I would be at this point, deciding instead to calmly read some teen magazines!!!! Oh, teen magazines! She's trying really hard not to think about her grandmother, who her mother never let her see because they disagreed on lots of stuff ever since her son, Leah's father, left Leah's mom. He also ended up DEAD IN AN ALLEY a few years later so I guess he got his! Anyways, her grandmother got the cancer, so Leah's mom let Leah hang out with her. Obviously, Leah's got a lot of bad hospital memories thanks to cancer, and something tells me that trend isn't over yet!

So when Leah gets back to her room after the teen magazine excursion, she finds a little Amish girl in the next bed. Her mother is there with her, and, uhhh, I'm not an expert on the Amish or anything, but do they really talk like this?

"There, there," the woman cooed soothingly. "Do not cry so, Rebekah. You're hurting my heart with such a flood of tears."

I keep hearing her as this totes crazy voice Catherine O'Hara uses at the beginning of this deleted scene from Waiting for Guffman:



Rebekah's mom has to go home, so Leah cheers up Rebekah, who is in the hospital because she was bitten by a spider. They bond right away, because Rebekah's adorable and Leah is actually a decent person.

That night, while Leah tries to sleep, she has flashbacks from the past:

She and her mother were living in a trailer, and Don, her mother's second husband, had been gone for more than a month. Her mother had tucked bedcovers around Leah.

"Don't leave, Mama," Leah had pleaded.

"I have to go to work, Leah. But all the doors will be locked and I'll be back before you get up in the morning for school."

"Don't go," Leah wailed.

"Hush! Stop that. [OH MY GOD SHE'S SO MEAN!] I don't want to go, but I have to if we want to eat next week. Close your eyes and go to sleep."

Man, that is some craptacular parenting. I know single parents have to make shitty choices all the time, but, man, wasn't there a better way Leah's mom could have handled this?

Rebekah's awake, too, and she asks Leah to read to her from the bible. Leah regards the bible in a way I am abso shocked about, coming from the Lurleneverse!:

To Leah it had always sounded sort of farfetched. She knew virgins didn't get pregnant and remain virgins.

Leah, let's totes hang out when you get out of there, okay?

Rebekah's fam turns up to visit the next day: sixteen-year-old Charity and seventeen-year-old Ethan. (There are four more kids back at home.) Ethan's a hottie, of course, because this is the Lurleneverse. Charity's totally nice, though when she tells Leah she doesn't go to school anymore because she knows enough to be a wife and mother, Leah is totes horrified. YAY LEAH! I mean, I'm not dissing the Amish faith here; I'm dissing prescribed gender roles.

Ethan has totes been blowing Leah off, so she confronts him on this. He confesses:

"Dislike you?" He looked as if she'd slapped him. "I do not dislike you, Leah Lewis-Hall. I think that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever set my eyes upon."

Oh hell yeah! That's pretty hot, yeah? Even coming from the Amish.

Rebekah's getting better, and Charity insists it's all the praying, and not the medicine. Actually, there have been studies done that suggest praying does not improve the health of a patient. I know many find comfort in praying, and that's great, I'm just saying this doesn't exactly go along with facts. I know we are all equally shocked that Lurlene might write something that falls outside the boundaries of REALISM.

So this random night nurse shows up and attends to Rebekah, which makes Leah think maybe she wants to grow up and be a nurse! In this book, doctors suck and withhold information while nurses are awesome! While I agree nurses do seriously amazing work that I could never do, doctors aren't all bad! Also, generally in Lurlene's books, doctors are menfolk and nurses are womenfolk. OF COURSE.

Rebekah mentions this night nurse, Gabriella, to Molly the next day. Molly hasn't heard of Gabriella. DUM DUM DUMMMM!

Of course Ethan and Leah hang out, and of course he is made of awesome, though obviously HIS AMISHNESS SEPARATES THEM. Still, they obviously have FEELINGS for each other. In fact, when Leah finds out she has to have a biopsy on her finger and knee, something that should surprise NONE of you, Ethan promises to be there when she wakes up. Aw, Ethan, you're nice!

Gabriella visits Leah too, and tells her she reminds Molly of someone. Oh, all right then, random night nurse. In the morning Rebekah tells Leah that Gabriella says she'll be going home soon. Leah's, of course, happy for Rebekah but OH NOES will she see Ethan again? We've still got sixty pages left of the book, Leah, so I bet you will.

Of course Molly confides to Leah that she reminds her of her sister Emily, who died when she was only fourteen. FROM LEUKEMIA OF COURSE. (To be fair, I just learned the other day that leukemia is the most common disease kids die from! This blog is educating me so much, you guys!)

Ethan is, as promised, there when Leah's awake after her biopsy, even though by now Rebekah has gone home, and Charity helps him and Leah sneak off together, where they totally kiss. As far as the Lurleneverse goes, you guys, this one is pretty hot:

He lifted her chin with his forefinger and very slowly lowered his head until his mouth was only inches away. His breath smelled like cinnamon and felt warm on her skin. Gently he pressed his lips to hers, and she closed her eyes and sank into the velvet softness of it.

You guys, when I was sixteen, there were never hot Amish boys who wanted to mack on me. Alas!

The good times don't last for long, though. Leah's doctor shows up with an official diagnosis: osteogenic sarcoma, known as bone cancer. The next day her and the doctor and her mother have a conference call, and her mom just refuses to believe this. She won't allow the treatments to be started, and says Leah will get a second opinion once she's back from her honeymoon. Man, I think if I had a kid with cancer, even if I found the diagnosis difficult to accept, I'd rather err on the side of caution. Then again, I am not the dumbass Leah's mom has proven herself to be!

Another harsh blow! Molly tells Leah that there's no Gabriella on the staff, and she's probably some creep who gets off on hanging out with sick kids at night. That's hella scary, people! Then again, if you can dream a fetish, there's someone out there who's got it!

So Leah's mom and her new hubby Neil FINALLY show up, and even showing the x-rays to them and Leah won't change her mind. She insists the biopsy be done again. OH MY GOD SURE JUST LET THE CANCER LIKE A SILENCE GROW. The doctor also says sometimes amputations are necessary, and then Leah's mom flies off the handle, all "HOW DARE YOU WANT TO CHOP APART MY DAUGHTER?" and I think she's overreacting, because he said SOMETIMES, but then he's all, yeah, sucks, but that's the best thing to do, so basically I think that not only is Leah's mom an awful mother, but he's a terrible doctor for giving such vague medical advice. I'm sorry, but saying sometimes amputation is best as news that it's necessary is craptastic communication. Way to go! No wonder Lurlene only roots for the nurses in this one.

Leah's mom actually has a nice moment afterwards and apologizes for how she dealt with the whole sitch with Leah's grandmother, back in the day. Since she knows she made such a mistake, she tells Leah she won't make a mistake with this. Like, uh, leaving your daughter's cancer untreated? Oh, no, a DIFFERENT mistake. SORRY FOR MY MISUNDERSTANDING.

Ethan visits, and they smooch some more, and hang out until Leah falls asleep. When she awakens, someone's there, but it's not Ethan. It's creepy Gabriella!!!! Leah hits the call button right away, but Gabriella insists she isn't there to hurt Leah, but to help her. She tells her to go to the hospital library the next day to find a book Molly really wants. Also, she touches Leah's knee and her finger and does this whole "DO YOU WANT GOD TO MAKE YOU BETTER?" thing that I find really creepy, but I know it's supposed to be magical and wonderful.

WELL YOU TOTALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT?

The book that Leah and Ethan find in the library is EMILY'S DIARY that Molly has been looking for FOREVER. And the results come back and Leah's tumors have gotten smaller. And then SHE KNOWS. That's right, folks, Gabriella is an angel!!! And she totes cured Leah with some power from god! And then Leah's mom gets to get up in Leah's doctor's grill and be all SEE I TOLD YOU MY DAUGHTER WASN'T THAT SICK!

What a terrible friggin' lesson. I'm sorry, if you get diagnosed with cancer, there is probably not an angel who's going to cure you, and the mistake made would not be errant chemo, but IGNORING A SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION AGAINST THE ADVICE OF MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. I find it really troubling that Lurlene wrote a book where basically doctors are the enemy.

By the end of the book, Leah's totally into the bible, of course! Okay, I guess a magic curing angel might change my beliefs too, and, ugh, I know this is technically inspirational fiction, but after all the volumes Lurlene has devoted to painstakingly realistic medical crap, what a friggin' cop-out. I know it sucks that all of Lurlene's heroines tend to die, but is this really the way to save them? Lurlene, you've let me down in yet another new way! I'm gonna have to console myself with some teen magazines.

Sex or success, take your pick, or Too Young to Die

Too Young to Die (published 1989) was one of the Lurlene books I read early on in my Lurlene obsession. I have really vivid memories of reading this one (and its sequel I haven't tracked down yet, but hopefully I'll be reviewing it soon) at my parents' restaurant and loving it SO MUCH. This is always a huge warning sign; apparently young Ames was not to be trusted.

I do think this was Lurlene's first real attempt at writing a cancer book, and the reason I picked this one up in the first place this time around was that I'd just started the first Dawn Rochelle book, and I was all "OH MAN I HAVE SEEN THIS ALL BEFORE" so I figured I'd just go back to the beginning and take it from there. I mean, Dawn Rochelle can wait, right? The girl's got five books; I doubt she's going anywhere.

So, right, Too Young to Die. I scoured the web high and low, but I couldn't find the edition I grew up with. So here's what we've got to work with:


The book spends a lot of time telling us how pretty our protag, Melissa, is, so it's kind of sad they just put a really nondescript girl on the cover. If you want me to buy ravishing beauty, cover designer, you've got to GIVE ME ravishing beauty. Then again, you want me to think the hunky dude is, well, a hunk, and this guy's, like, hey, I just got my first job, and it's CASUAL FRIDAY!

UPDATED: the lovely and talented snappleaddict scanned me the cover I'd been searching for!:


Wow, could he be giving her a creepier look? As you'll soon see, no matter if this guy is supposed to be the boyfriend or the brother, that's pretty damn accurate.

Oh, right, do you guys want to know what the publishers want us to THINK this book is about? Here we go!:

At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she's even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever.

But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor's diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying.

Man, if there's anything I've learned from the Lurleneverse (and noted by Genevieve as well), the second your life starts to go as well as good grades and Brain Bowl (is that like being a mathlete?), you're gonna catch the cancer, no way out of it.

The book opens with Melissa and her BFF Jory getting up at 4 a.m. to help Melissa's brother fly his hot air balloon. Probably the technical term isn't "fly" but, you guys, I am not sitting here and researching proper hot air balloon terminology for you. My love only runs so deep. Just deal with it! Jory's going on and on and on about how hot Melissa's brother is and how baddddddddd she wants him, and Melissa just teases her instead of being all grossed out like I would be. This is probably because Melissa is obviously ALSO in love with her brother. Seriously, you guys, she can't shut up about him. Here are some excerpts:

He was dressed in well-worn jeans, and his black hair was still damp from a shower, all five foot ten of him smelling of clean, fresh soap.

. . .

Michael turned his sapphire-blue eyes toward her. Sometimes looking at him was like looking into a mirror. He had the same square face, high, angular cheekbones, and dark eyebrows as she.

. . .

Michael stood and stretched, his physique rippling with muscle.

That first passage in particular reminded me of this gross Sweet Valley High moment between Jess and Steven, quoted over at the Dairi Burger:

“Could you zip up my dress, please?”

. . .

“Sure” Steven said good-naturedly. He walked up to his sister, who was now standing before the full length mirror on the back of his closet door. He bent his six-one body over the zipper. It took a little maneuvering, but he finally managed to zip up the dress without damaging the delicate fabric.

Seriously, ghostwriter, I never, ever want to imagine Steven bending all six-foot-one of his body over Jessica.

As for that second passage, it's a little Chris and Cathy, yeah? Ewwww.

And as for the third? Well, geez, I've been won over. Now even I am hopelessly attracted to Michael. Oh, let me tell you guys some more about Michael. He's in community college, he works TWO JOBS so he can have a nice life and help out his poor, single, working mother, and he hot-air-balloons for fun.

So the first clue we're supposed to get that Melissa is illllllll is that she's draggin' her ass out of bed while Jory's all good morrrrrrrrrrrning! It's four a.m.! If being barely able to get out of bed at four a.m. means you have leukemia, I think almost everyone I know must have leukemia.

Actually, Melissa gets more symptoms in one page than anyone I've ever met in the Lurleneverse. In ONE PAGE she's got dark circles under her eyes, tons of unexplained bruising, fatigue, and uncontrollable bleeding. DUDE MELISSA THIS ISN'T GOOD. Also, this is PAGE TWO. Also every other second Lurlene mentions Melissa's waist-length dark brown hair, and you know any book that talks about long flowing luscious shining gleaming streaming flaxen-waxen hair is ready to chemo it all out.

Michael's all in love with the world post-balloon ride:

"It's incredible--high above the earth, seeing the world like a bird does. Man, it's almost better than--" He caught himself, glancing self-consciously at Jory.

"Better than sex?" Melissa finished drolly, quoting one of his frequently used descriptive phrases. "I wouldn't know."

"You better not."

Ew, Michael, shut up. You are not your sister's hymen's keeper.

So Michael is not into Jory at all, because she's rich and occasionally mentions she went somewhere fancy or, I dunno, shows up places in her nice car. It's really dumb; Jory's sixteen and can't help that her parents have money. She's super-nice and generous, so why does it make her a bad person? Okay, now I hate you, Michael, despite all your hard work and your rippling physique.

Jory encourages Melissa to be more into boys, but she's all I R VRY SRS STUDENT so because she wants to focus on her PSATs she apparently can't be into boys too. Whatever, fine. I have met people like this so I'll give it a pass even though it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, as boys can generally exist in the same world as good grades and PSATs. But then Melissa's occasionally mentioning all the dates she's been on in the past, etc., and I don't think it's very consistent. Anyone who has dated enough to refer to it like that isn't someone who doesn't get that you can date AND study. I guess the Lurleneverse is one of those places where all boys and girls date starting really young and go out on those totes proper date-dates, the kinds I don't think any high-schooler has been on in like two decades, yeah? Yeah. What a shock, the Lurleneverse not lining up with the reality I've lived through, right?

Despite this, Melissa is soooo into this dude named Brad. He's all RICH and HANDSOME, but also once Melissa is offered a spot on the Brain Bowl, he is too, so, wow, he is RICH and HANDSOME and SMART. If he's nice to his mother and not the keeper of anyone's hymen, I would say he officially wins out over Michael. Freaking Michael!

Melissa's mom isn't crazy about all the studying she's doing. Oh my god, Ms. Austin, you're a terrible mother! WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THAT EVER?:

"I want to go to college."

Her mother sighed. [OH MY GOD YEAH THAT IS SOOO UNREASONABLE.] "How did I ever end up with success-oriented kids? [Obviously not by leading through example.] All I wanted to do when I was your age was get married."

"I want it all, Mom. Lots of women have careers and families. [Not in the Lurleneverse, sweetie.] Why can't I do both? [Uh, bruises, fatigue, bleeding, your brother's close watch on your virginity....] You do."

"I had to," her mother reminded her. "I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and raise babies. But, when I did have to go to work, it would have been much easier if I'd had an education to fall back on. [Wait, what?] As it was, I started at the bottom."

Shorter Ms. Austin: My life would have been a lot better with a college education so why do you want one? UM MS. AUSTIN DOESN'T THAT ACTUALLY MEAN YOU AGREE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER? You're an idiot; I don't think an undergraduate degree could have fixed that.

Jory shows up for dinner; since her parents are rich that means they're never home and don't actually love her. I read this sentence a few times but I'm still confused:

[Jory's] auburn curls were streaked with hair paint, and her outfit was straight out of a fashion magazine.

Can you guys PLEASE tell me what hair paint is? I have to know! Is it like that hair mascara? I totally remember that from the 1990s. What else could it be? Also why would Jory have a totally normal ensemble for school but then paint up her hair for dinner at the Austins? Oh, right, I bet she was hoping Michael was there. God, Jory, I actually really like you, but haven't you figured out by now Michael will not be impressed by such attempts as HAIR PAINT.

After their first grueling week of school, Jory invites Melissa over for a movie night. This book is so dated, check it out!:

"You're ruining your table," [Melissa] noted irritably.

Jory shrugged. "The maid will clean it tomorrow. [Oh those rich bitches and their maids!] Are we going to watch movies or blabber?"

"Which TV? The one in your room, the den, or the family room?" Melissa asked, knowing that the irony of the question would be lost on Jory. Didn't every house have three TVs?

UH YES MELISSA ANY MORE THEY ACTUALLY DO. Mine has five that are used regularly, and a few more in storage. I have seen the future, and it makes Jory Delaney's TV set-up quite unimpressive!

Melissa, of course, falls asleep early and sleeps in late, which is basically me on many weekends too, because I am old, and also because giant Mexican dinners tend to do that to a girl. So if you guys wake up late on Saturday mornings, review and assess: Did I have Mexican last night? If yes, whew! If no, CANCER CANCER CANCER.

They spend the day at the country club where Jory's a member BECAUSE SHE'S RICH. Guess who's there? Brad! Him and Melissa walk off on their own and get all flirty, even though Melissa is terrified. Again, this is why I hate all the mentions of all the dates Melissa's been on. Sure, it's scarier when it's someone you're TOTES INTO because there's, like, all this pressure on it to be AWESOME but GEEZ Melissa does NOT strike me as having tons of boy experience. Also I spoke to Michael and he confirmed with some official hymen reports. Thanks, Michael.

I actually like Brad but then he gets kind of creepy:

"Melissa." His voice went low and quiet. "Can I unbraid your hair?"

Flustered by his request and change of subject she stammered. "Y-Yes. If you want."

He reached over her shoulder and pulled the tightly wound braid forward, unclasping the gold clip. She couldn't tear her eyes from his face, couldn't stop the emotions and sensations pouring through her body. Brad unwound the plait slowly, dragging his fingers through the thick, dark masses of her hair until the strands fell loose and free. He sifted it through his fingers like sand, gathering it into handfuls. A breeze spun wispy strands across her face. "God, you have beautiful hair." His whisper sounded worshipful.

OF COURSE IT DID. Ew, I don't want to read about Fetish Boy and his desire to fuck Melissa's hair. I mean, I know this is only here so we can be all "OH NOES" in a few chapters, but, grrross.

Meanwhile, teachers have noticed all the bruises on Melissa and assume her mom's beating her. I guess that's good to have teachers who'd notice! I didn't go to a very good high school; I probably could have come in with a bunch of black eyes and my arm in a cast and gotten zero response. Oh, crap, does this explain why I started dying my hair all those wacky colors; WAS I JUST AFTER SOME ADULT ATTENTION? Pardon me while I reexamine my life in style.

Of course Ms. Austin, while being a shitty mother in other ways, wasn't beating Melissa, so Melissa has to go to the doctor to figure out what's going on. If this book was set fifteen years in the future, Melissa the brainiac would be using the hell out of Mayo Clinic and would already see her diagnosis all laid out for her. Honestly, I can't believe she's this much of a genius and can't figure this one out as it is.

While getting tested, this dude stops by Melissa's room:

"I'd heard from the nurses that there was a fox on the floor. [Geez, way to be unprofessional, nurses!] They didn't lie." The male voice coming from her doorway startled Melissa so completely that the brush fell from her grip [again, with the hair, god, could she nail this one in any more?] and clattered to the floor. In the doorway stood a stranger, surveying her with an insolent, wolfish grin.

Then the chapter ends. INTRIGUE! Wolfish? Is he a Special? Luckily, the next chapter picks up right where we left off, all Dan Brown-style again, so we don't have to wonder for long. He's just some dude named Ricter Davis, Ric for short. Ricter? THE HELL? Whose name is RICTER? I agree with the commenter who wants to see the weird-ass name book Lurlene uses. By the way, are there other writers who read this? Have you ever bought yourself a name book? Man, it's awful, I'm always like, "crap, do I look fat in this or do I look pregnant? I'm just a writer who needs help with names!" Luckily the internet has eliminated my need for those embarrassing scenarios.

Ricter's all "THE TESTS DON'T HURT AS MUCH AS THE RESULTS DO" and runs off, well, as much as he can run with one leg and two crutches. God, I hate him, he's all straight out of a Sarah Dessen book with ALL THE INFORMATION but not sharing it.

Thing is, he's right! Ruh roh! Melissa's got leukemia! Oh noes!

Ric shows up again with this observation:

"Jesus, you're pretty."

There was a sadness in his whispered words she didn't understand. "So what? What do my looks have to do with anything?"

"Just an observation."

Duh, Melissa, only ugly people are supposed to get cancer. Also:

"Too bad about your hair."

"What about it?"

"The chemo will take it. It'll take it all."

HOW DOES MELISSA NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS? I swear this was the FIRST thing I knew about cancer treatments! And I didn't qualify for any Brain Bowl action.

The book then, like, totes skims over the first weeks of treatment at double-speed, which is weird considering the painstakingly detailed narration of all the symptoms and tests. Geez, Lurlene, you're letting your medical fetishism slip. I guess there's only room for so much fetish in one book? Seriously, I bet this book is held aloft in hair-worship societies.

Once the hair's gone, Jory the awesome BFF shows up with some silk scarves for Melissa to wear. Melissa's all OMG THESE COST IN THE DOUBLE-DIGITS which made me giggle. I know back then that was a lot to spend but ha! It isn't weird at all for me to buy a friend a gift totalling in the double-digits, and none of my friends have even have worship-worthy hair that fell out due to leukemia treatments.

Melissa writes this journal entry:

I met a little girl today named Rachael. She's four and she has cancer, too. She thought I was very old, being sixteen, and I thought she was very sweet and too young for these things they're putting us through at the hospital. She asked me if I was a mommy. Of course, I'm not. But I can't help wondering if I ever will be. Who will want to make love to me now that I'm sick? What would it be like to have a baby grow inside of me? Will I ever know?

I thought this was actually pretty realistic, and I did like that Lurlene dealt with Melissa wondering if anyone would ever want to sleep with her. Isn't that how we deal with so much of the traumas life throws at us? Go Lurlene for not just going with "who will love me now" or "who'll marry me now"! This book is weirdly sexual. God, what a relief. I mean, hello, teenagers + drama? If some hormones don't show up I'd be concerned.

So Melissa's doing better so she gets to go home before she achieves remission. Yay! From how I understand it, kids don't have to have these terribly long stays for leukemia anymore, not that I'm some expert. I'm just trying to know what the hell I'm talking about so I can provide you lovely people with some insightful information.

Melissa takes her PSATs waaaay before she should be back at school, but of course still hits the 98th percentile. Go Melissa! She then gets to go back to school, which is tough, even though she's wearing a wig of artificial, shorter hair. Everyone's all "oh, man, sucks you had to cut your hair" like WHY THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT CHEMO? No wonder Melissa achieved Brain Bowl so easily.

Sadly, Brad's met some new girl, which upsets Melissa even though she knows she has no chance anymore. This seems pretty realistic to me; I'm glad even though Brad was a semi-cool guy with a hair fetish, he acted the way a lot of kids would have acted. What can I say? Occasionally Lurlene strikes realism.

One day Melissa leaves school to be greeted by Ric. You guys ready for the creepy?"

"How did you find me?"

"I watched the school empty and kept an eye out for the pretty girls. I'd almost given up."

"I had Brain Bowl drill."

He glanced to the side. "Actually, I've waited for you before, but you always seemed to be with that girlfriend of yours."

Oh man, he's so straight out of a Sarah Dessen novel, stalking her into submission. Of COURSE Melissa starts dating him, basically because he's all "NO ONE ELSE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE I DOOOOO CANCER CANCER WE BOTH HAVE CANCER". Michael doesn't approve, because Ric's nineteen, and apparently poses a real threat to Melissa's hymen, but Jory thinks it's great. Melissa journals that Ric and his college friends are ultra-casual about sex, and everyone assumes they're doing it, even though they aren't. This is handled pretty well, actually, Melissa isn't casting judgment on anyone who is or thinks she is. Yay Melissa! Not being ready to have sex doesn't make her anti-sex, so I'm totally behind her.

Ric, though, is another story:

[After some making out.] "Let's go inside," she said to him while her mind swirled and spun with the sensations his touch was arousing."

"All right," he said, his voice husky. "But I won't always let you back off this way, Melissa. I'm not some high school kid, and I know what I want."

Melissa doesn't knee him in the groin like she should, she's just all, yeahhhh I understand. This is so gross. "Won't always let you back off"? Does that translate to "sooner or later I'm gonna rape you"? This is so wrong; I can't believe this is accepted. If I was writing this book, Melissa and Jory would team up to teach Ric a lesson about threatening girls with sex. Also, how does that make any girl actually WANT to do it? Ric, I hope the next time you try that line on a girl she shows you what's what.

So Ric asks Melissa away for Spring Break, and this is what he says:

"Ric... I don't--" She stopped, groping for the right words. "I mean... I've never...."

"I know you haven't, Melissa. But when you do, I want it to be with me."

OH MY GOD RIC YOU ARE SO FUCKING CREEPY. He couldn't phrase it in a way that suggests he actually wants to have sex with Melissa, noooo, he wants Melissa to give it up to him. Helloooo control issues. Ric is so getting sued for sexual harassment at a future job.

Melissa thinks it over and decides against it. I wish I could say that's because she realizes Ric is a disgusting control freak who thinks he can use force to get what he wants, but, no:

"Before I got leukemia, I had so many plans. I wanted to make the Brain Bowl team--no junior has ever made the final panel. I wanted to be a National Merit Scholar. I wanted to go to college and study law. I wanted so many things, Ric."

. . .

"But I still want those things, Ric. In spite of everything that's happened."

"What's that got to do with our spending the weekend together?"

"You aren't my only option in life, Ric. Please don't make me your only one."

Okay, I half-agree with her. Ric is all basically "YOU MUST BE WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE CANCER CANCER CANCER WE ARE EACH OTHER'S ONLY OPTIONSSSS" and that is NO reason to be in a relationship. That said, I have it on good authority you can have sex in high school and still GO TO COLLEGE and STUDY LAW. The implication sex limits your options is so, so wrong and soooo anti-sex I want to puke. After so many really refreshing mentions of sex in this book, I was so annoyed to have it all come down to SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL IS BAD EVEN IF YOU WANT TO AND TAKE PRECAUTIONS. Ugh, Lurlene, you've let me down yet again!

Melissa fights to stay on the Brain Bowl team, and wins, and is all set for her first big match. Jory shows up to go with her, and Melissa's thrilled Jory has traded in her funky clothes for "polished sophistication". Ugh. Jory's sixteen! Isn't it too early to worry about such things, honestly? If there are any sixteen-year-olds reading this, revel in your time to wear whatever you want, okay? A few short years from now you could be stuck in corporate dress-code hell, and you're going to really regret the years lost to polished sophistication.

Jory presents Melissa with a gift, which is a super-expensive wig made of human hair (ew, paging Chris March!) that looks just like her old hair. I do wish the lesson learned could have been that Melissa is just as beautiful without it, but, whatever, it's the sweetest thing in the world that Jory did it for her. And on that note, the book ends. OH MY GOD MELISSA SURVIVED! Smart move being the protag, Melissa. Knowing your BFF narrates the sequel, I'm a bit concerned.