Barely saved by the makeover scene, or Lifted Up By Angels

Let's tackle the second book in the angels/Amish trilogy, Lifted Up By Angels (published 1997), because for some reason Lurlene thought we didn't have enough the first go around.

Do you want to know what it's about? Yay, because I would like to tell you!:

This inspirational novel follows the story of Leah and her friendship with the Amish family she met while hospitalized for cancer treatment. When Leah takes a summer job near their Amish community, she is happy to be near Ethan again. He is now at the age at which an Amish young man is allowed a taste of non-Amish life before committing to the adults' rules. Will Leah and Ethan's feelings for each other overcome family obligations?

Before you guys get all enthused about rumspringa, this is kind of a faux rumspringa. Just lettin' ya know!

What does the cover look like? Is it lovely? Will it draw you in? Wait no longer to find out!:


Ethan doesn't really look Amish, does he? Oh, maybe this is when he's EXPERIMENTING with CRAZY ENGLISH WAYS... except in that part of the book (SORRY TO SPOIL YOU GUYS) he's all into T-shirts and shit. So basically I deem this cover MISREPRESENTATIVE!

Now, of course, the book is published in a thick-ass trilogy:


Again, boring, but at least Amish-y!

The book opens all expositiony with the whole LEAH WAS BETTER AFTER HER BRUSH WITH BONE CANCER AND HER CHEMO AND NOW IT IS THE SUMMER AND HER MOM AND HER STEPDAD ARE OFF ON VACATION WHILE SHE SUMMERS NEAR THE AMISH OH BY THE WAY SHE IS IN LOVE WITH ONE OF THE AMISH HIS NAME IS ETHAN AND HOO BOY IS HE A LOOKER. Like, seriously, that's a lot of info FAST.

So Leah's all off to have her own apartment, work as a maid at a hotel, and all so she can be near her Amish friends. She turned down traveling with the fam to Hawaii and Fiji for this, which, sorry, to me sounds way better than a crappy job and Amish-adjacency. Then again, I never fell for an Amish hottie, so it's a tough call.

Nappanee, Indiana, is a real place where there are real Amish people! You guys, it's true, I looked it up on Wikipedia! So I'm giving you a point, Lurlene, for accuracy. I dole out my points very sparingly where you're concerned, Lurlene, so consider yourself very, very lucky.

So Leah rolls into town in her hot convertible, and goes off to visit her Amish peeps right away. Charity's thrilllllllled to see her, as is darling Rebekah. Oh man, I love Rebekah, she's the cutest. It's awesome that spider didn't kill her last time around! Since Rebekah lives on a farm and everything, wouldn't it have been cool if the spider was like Charlotte (of the Web), and gave her advice on how to win some kind of competition and also how to save her own life? NOT TO SPOIL ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS!

Of course the second Leah glimpses Ethan, her heart and her loins are all "OH YEAHHHH" and she knows the whole friggin' reason she's there is for him, which, uhhh, couldn't any of us have told her this? Do you have any friends, Leah? Friends that aren't angels or Amish? I think it could be a good thing to perhaps DISCUSS this stuff.

By the way, Amish boys say some pretty hot stuff:

His brow knitted. His startling blue eyes stared directly into hers. "My eyes have been hungry for the sight of you."

Holy HELL I'd be gone. Swooooon.

So Leah meets Ethan's whole fam, including the grandparents. None of the adults except Ethan's mom seem too wild about her, but, whatev, she's near Ethan, she's happy. Still, she goes to Charity and is all "WHYYYY DO THEY ALL HAAAAAATE ME?" and Charity explains that A) the Amish aren't into "idle chatter" which basically means I'd never survive a moment without severely testing the pacifist nature of the Amish with my jibber-jabbering ways, and B) Ethan is not baptized yet, which confuses me because they go into the whole "WHEN YOU'RE SIXTEEN YOU CAN GO WIIIIIIIIIIIIILD" but, wait, Ethan's seventeen, so... is that okay? Oh, all right, whatever. Basically Ethan's dad's concerned since he hasn't totes committed to Amishness yet, and a hot English girl like Leah could obvs lead him astray.

Leah gets a little concerned maybe she's just something exotic for Ethan to sample while he's livin' the wild life, which I was kind of shocked by. I mean, that's totally what I would be worried about in her shoes, so, again, REALISM IN THE LURLENEVERSE?! The world's FLIPPED, people, FLIPPED.

So, totally random, Leah is out driving and RUNS INTO ETHAN'S YOUNGER BROTHER SIMEON. WTF! She just KNOCKS INTO HIM WITH HER FUCKING CAR! He's on skates! WHAT???? He has a job delivering packages. Oh, ALL RIGHT! Anyway, he's fine, and he's not going to wear pads or a helmet because those things are for "showy, not plain" people. Yeah, showy that you have a freaking BRAIN. Without a helmet, it's more like, MY BRAIN: LET ME SHOW YOU IT.

So Leah takes Simeon back to work (ummm after getting hit by a car I don't think I'd be all LET ME SKATE OFF TO DELIVER MORE PACKAGES) and Ethan comes with, and after dropping Simeon off, Leah offers to show Ethan her apartment. BOOM CHICKA WOW WOW. (Is that right, for porno music? I've never typed out porno music before!) Ethan gets all embarrassed because he sees Leah's underwear strewn about, that wanton slut! Anyways, they talk about the barn dance coming up, and Leah's all concerned because Martha, this Amish girl that Ethan once took home in his buggy (for serious, you guys, that isn't a euphemism) is going to be there, and she's all jeaaaa!loussss! Dude, I'd be too. You know the Amish and their buggies!!

The kids at the barn dance are all Amish, except for Leah, though some are totes going through AMISH GONE WILD!! so they're in English clothes and drinking beers and listening to "funky music", white boy.

No one's very welcoming to Leah, including this dude Jonah, who is Martha's brother and has "hands the size of footballs" which is basically the weirdest descriptor I've ever heard. Like, doesn't that put the weirdest picture in your head? Anyway, Football Hands is all "YOU HOLD YOURSELF SEPARATE AND PROUD" to Ethan, which, dude, just STFU. You're the one at a fucking BARN DANCE so I don't know why your crappy English clothes and beer-drinking makes you so special!

So Leah starts her crap maid job with this girl named Kathy Kelly, who is always talkin' shit about the Amish, and how they're all separate and cliquish and, shut up, Kathy Kelly, I don't like you either.

After an exhausting day at work, Leah heads over to the Amish house, where THE CUTEST THING HAPPENS. Rebekah gives Leah a baby chick she promises to take care of for her. Oh my god, you guys, if an adorable little Amish girl gave me a baby chick and raised it for me, I would melt away in a pile of dead-from-cuteness. Rebekah is totes my favorite character.

Uh-oh! Rebekah tells Leah that Gabriella told her she'd see Rebekah again. Uh, Rebekah, I know you like Gabriella and all, but if that isn't a death sentence I don't know what is.

Double uh-oh! When Leah's driving back later and stops for gas, she runs into Football Hands! I friggin' hate you, dude. He's all BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH, DO NOT LEAD THE AMISH ASTRAY! Ugh, shut up. Can you guys believe Charity's been in his buggy? Gross. I wouldn't want to be touched with football hands!

Ethan shows up at Leah's place bright and early Sunday morning, and she's all, fool, we don't all keep FARMING HOURS, but, please, she's got the hottie at her place, she's not complaining too much. Ethan changes into English-style clothes but isn't quite ready to get his Amish locks styled.

Ethan wants to watch movies, so watch movies they do. Leah notices Ethan doesn't get verbal humor, just laughs at pratfalls and such, and that would be a big turnoff for me, but whatevs for Leah. She's got Amish fever!

After all that movie-watchin', they head to The Rink; yes, Lurlene capitalizes "The" just like that. It's a roller rink and game room! Also you can eat there. Honestly, I would go there in a heartbeat; rollerskating's a damn good time. Anyways, outside, this is amazing:

She drove into a parking lot filled with cars and Amish buggies. Several of the buggies looked less than plain. They bore tassels and reflective tape cut in fancy designs. The harnesses were studded with ornamentations. Even the horses looked fancy.

AND THEN IT STOPS. HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT THE HORSES LOOK FANCY AND THEN NOT TELL ME HOWWWW?

I totes picture them like this:


Or, in keeping with these modern times, maybe they look like this:



I would basically give up everything in my life to see either of these horses pullin' an Amish buggy.

So Martha's there and obviously wants Ethan back, but is still welcoming to Leah after she realizes they're together. Go Martha! I'm glad you weren't afflicted with football hands. Leah bitches to Ethan about what a loser Football Hands is, and Ethan's all, whatever, once he's done with his fling he'll be back to another day living in Amish paradise. Leah asks if anyone ever doesn't return to their Amish ways, and Ethan blushes ten zillion shades of red and is all YES. Duuu-huuuude! Tell us more, Ethan! But, alas, he's all mum's the word! Methinks this will be important later.

Leah and Ethan take a trip to the bustling metropolis of Indianapolis for Leah's oncology checkup. One of her knees has been giving her a lot of trouble, which, uh, Leah, you're in the Lurleneverse, you are soooo screwed. At least she gets to say hey to Molly, who is still as nice as a person can possibly be even though they once told you you're just like their sister who died from a disease related to the one afflicting you. Thanks, Molly! Molly wants to get her sister's diary published as a book to give kids with diseases hope. First of all, this is such a friggin' Mary Sue moment for Lurlene, who's gotta be patting herself on the back so hard right now she's got suspicious bruises, and also, uh, HOPE HOW? YOUR SISTER DIED YOU DUMMY. I guess she had a great attitude? I'd rather have a craptastic attitude and not be dead, but that's just me.

Leah has fond memories of Gabriella while at the hospital:

She fingered the bindings, half expecting to see some reminder of Gabriella. There was none. Nothing at all to reflect that strange and wonderful night when the woman had come into her room, talked to her and touched her.

Whoa! She DOES sound like a heavenly creature, now that you mention it, Leah.

Believe it or not, Leah's aching knee is just inflammation from working so hard. OH MY GOD HER CANCER IS NOT BACK! I mean, I know there are three books in this series and she's most likely gonna die eventually, but, WHOA. I am pretty shocked.

After that round of good news, they head to the mall, where Ethan is all super judgmental about all the stuff stores sell. He totes flips out over this bikini, which irks me, because he's all I WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO WEAR SUCH A THING LEAH and she knows it's wrong for him to act that way but she's also kind of "oh, you're so cute", and, uh, no. The thing is, though, he knows he shouldn't feel that way, so, well, okay, FINE, I still can't hate on you, Ethan. You make my job tough!

Leah buys Rebekah a little wind-up chick, and tells Ethan she'll like it because girls likes things that are cute and small. I am not down with gender stereotypes, but once a good friend of mine told me he believed that girls would like anything that was a miniature version of something else, no matter how mundane or uncute the original item was, and I have to say this is often true.

Ethan gets his Amish locks cut in an English style, so of course he's hotter than ever. Leah knows his dad will be angry, and asks why his dad is so weird about Ethan hanging out with her. Ethan's all "HE HAS HIS REASONS". DUM DUM DUUMMMMMM. But then when she drops him off, he gives her a little porcelain bunny, based on Leah's comment that girls like stuff that is small and cute. Aw, Ethan, that is awfully sweet. Guys, I'm so glad I didn't read this when I was younger, talk about wayyyy unrealistic standards for real boys to live up to.

So there's this co-ed Amish camp-out coming up. Ethan asks Leah, and even though she doesn't want to go because stupid Football Hands is gonna be there, she agrees because it'll be nice to be there with Ethan, and also because Charity can only goes if he goes, and he only wants to go if Leah does. What the hell is this, the Taming of the Shrew? Charity asks if Leah will help give her an English makeover for the event, and she agrees. Oh man, you guys, imagine how good that scene would be if this was a movie!!! I love a good makeover scene in a movie, and my favorite episode each cycle of America's Next Top Model is the makeover episode (especially if anyone cries due to short/shaved hair). An AMISH makeover scene? That would be the BEST EVER.

So there's some carnival coming up, and Kathy's all Grumpy McBitchface because the tourists all come and stare at the Amish, and also she hates the Amish, so basically she hates everyone. She goes off on this HUGE tangent about sometimes the tourists drive badly and RUN INTO THE AMISH so of course we all know that's gonna happen to SOMEONE now, right??

CARNIVAL TIME! MAKEOVER SCENE! Goddamn Football Hands is there, of course, and he's all "I LIKE WHAT I SEE" to Charity which is basically just creepy, right? Of course it is. He's gonna paw her to death with those pigskins. I hate you, Football Hands. He gets super drunk at the camp-out which is held immediately after the carnival, and starts yelling at Ethan to drink beer with him. Ethan refuses, and Football Hands is all "ELI WOULD HAVE DRUNK BEER WITH ME" and so of course Leah wants to know who Eli is!

Of course we all saw this coming, right? Eli is Ethan's older brother, who got himself all edumacated, and therefore SHUNNED FROM AMISH SOCIETY. When he left, he told Ethan since he's the next in line that he can therefore NOT leave Amish society or it'll totes kill their dad. Oh MAN Eli, that's way too much to dump on a person.

So a few days later, Leah's driving through town when she notices police cars and ambulances near the Amish produce stand. OH YOU GUYS I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! Of course it's Rebekah who was hit!!! OH MAN. Rebekah is in a friggin' COMA you guys!! Believe it or not, Lurlene doesn't go nutso with medical terminology, but she does KILL OFF REBEKAH, the cutest fictional girl in the Lurleneverse. You guys, it's so unfair! Why does Simeon, who, let's be honest, we don't even care about, get hit by a car and then go right back to work while sweet chicken-tending Rebekah diiiies? The Lurleneverse is so unfair.

At the funeral Leah sees Gabriella walking off with Rebekah, who is waving a handkerchief. Leah tells Ethan's family, and they all think she's batshit until Ethan's grandma is all OMG I TOTES PUT A HANDKERCHIEF IN HER HAND AT THE FUNERAL so now they know it's true. ??? All right, sure.

So Leah's mom and stepdad show up to help her come home, as the summer is ending, and Ethan's all WE WILL BE TOGETHER, though Leah wonders how. And that is how the book freaking ends. I have no idea what this book was even about. I mean, okay, fine, I just told you guys what the book was about, but there was no real story arc, it was just kind of a bunch of Amishness with OF COURSE A DEATH THROWN IN and the freaking ANGEL and then it's just OVER? I don't know what the lessons are, I don't know what we were supposed to get from any of this other than that Ethan is the hottest and most tragic boy in the Lurleneverse who doesn't have his own disease/injury, that angels are real, and that if you're not important to the story you can skate right away from a car accident.

I don't want to spoil you guys, but I read the first few pages of the conclusion to the trilogy, and it was so outrageous I laughed and laughed and got super excited about sharing it with you. You will NOT be disappointed.

Sex + Wal*Mart = death, or Briana's Gift

You guys, in case you ever worry I don't really love you, I'd like to tell you how I got the next few books I'll be recapping, including this one. I recently left my job, unbeknownst at first to my well-connected friend Kristy, who had just sent off a package containing several Lurlene tomes.

So, yeah, today I had to drive through security, show my old badge, deal with the awk!ward that is the post-employment trip to a former employer, all the while I just hoped and prayed no one had opened up the package before calling me to make sure it didn't contain work materials. (Luckily no one had, or basically I could never talk to any of these people again.)

That's right, people, I went through ALL OF THAT just to retrieve material for this here blog, including both A) one of the most-requested series and B) one of the books I was most eager to read as I was so decidedly certain it would anger me to a boiling rage forcing me to take action in the form of, oh, god, probably just hitting the caps lock key a lot.

That book in question is Briana's Gift (published 2006). Why, Ames, you ask, why were you so predisposed to hypothetical anger? Well, gee, friends, let me tell you!:

Thirteen-year-old Sissy's mother always said that Sissy's sixteen-year-old sister marched to the beat of a different drummer. But it isn't until Briana runs away with an older boy that Sissy begins to understand what her mother meant. When Briana returns home alone and pregnant, Sissy and her mother try to help Briana come to terms with her options.

As if helping Briana make choices weren't complicated enough, things suddenly change again. After Briana becomes critically ill, Sissy's mother sees only one next step, but Sissy feels she must try to persuade her mother to make a different decision. Sissy needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy, and at the holiday season it seems more important than ever. Can Sissy make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THERE IS TEEN PREGNANCY AND A CRITICAL ILLNESS OMGOMGOMG AMAZING.

Wow, total sidenote, you guys, before delving into what an anti-choice and anti-sex nightmare I was convinced this book was after reading only these two paragraphs. I went to Amazon to grab that synopsis - something I always hurry through, lest I notice something like the reviewer who proclaimed Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as "THE BEST BOOK EVER!" - I saw this blurb:

About the Author Lurlene McDaniel is the #1 author of inspirational fiction for young adults. The author lives in Chattanooga, TN.

Wha-aaat? The NUMBER ONE AUTHOR of INSPIRATIONAL FICTION? I mean, let's not profess I'm some expert on the "inspirational" genre, even if I've sat through more than my fair share of faith-based marketing meetings, but just because Lurlene always includes something like "it's okay I'm dying because I get to go meet god and my dead relatives" and a quote from the Bible, does that actually qualify her books as inspirational? I would hope there's more to that label than just, you know, dying a beautiful virgin accepting of her fate (and her virginity).

Also, weirdly enough, the synopsis on Amazon has a different second paragraph, and it's INACCURATE:

It was already complicated to think about Briana's choices and then things change suddenly again. When Briana is in a serious accident, Casey's mother sees things one way. Although Casey understands her mother's reaction, she feels she must try to convince her mother to make a different decision. Casey needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy. Will she be able to make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

Uhhh, Briana isn't IN a serious accident. THE HELL? Was that just a lucky guess from the dude in charge of synopses? He probably spins a wheel when writing these. Teenager, working mother, car accident, guess that's it!

More importantly, though: WHO THE HELL IS CASEY???? Okay, basically this is boggling my little mind. This is apparently off the hardcover edition, so if I ever see it in person, I'm gonna see why the hell the back cover professes that the protag is named Casey. Is her name Casey throughout the whole book? Why did it change? This is CRAZY.

Oh, and here's the beautiful cover:


Wow, this is super ugly! There's an ugly cardigan sweater, an ugly gift I already feel is WAY TOO LITERAL, and the title spelled out via a cutesy baby bracelet. TOO MANY COMPONENTS. Also I know I haven't gotten into it yet, but what is with that Lurlene logo? She's had the cursive name logo hovering over her works for years and years and years now. It must feel good for your name to be a branded logo. I just hope if it ever happens for me that I get a better font.

So right away we meet Sissy, who's fourteen. (I have ALWAYS hated the name Sissy. I know it's a nickname, but, ugh. Sorry to any Sissys out there who may be reading this. It's not you; it's just your name. Kisses!) Her sixteen-year-old sister Briana, like the synopsis tells us, marches to the beat of her own drummer. I don't know if that really means what Lurlene thinks it means. I mean, Briana is just kind of a wild child, smoking and sexing and all of that, it's not like she wears earrings made out of junk food or whatever. Briana's blowing this popsicle stand!

Okay, I don't want to concern you guys for my sanity, which is a subject I now worry about with the unemployment and the hours spent watching TV on DVD with nary a soul in sight who isn't feline or canine, but either Lurlene got a new and improved editor or that whole "writing is a craft that will improve if you keep doing it" thing is true. The dialogue still grates a bit, but some of this prose is sort of good. Okay, decent? Good. It's not choppy, I'm not cringing, and there are bits of description where I'm actually all "ooh, I like what she did there". I KNOW I KNOW I'M SORRY. You want a little? I'll give you a little:

"Where are you going?" I ask. I'm sprawled on the softa watching a cartoon and eating Cheetos. I like the old cartoons; plus, it's a good way to spend a Saturday until Mom makes me do my chores, which wasn't going to happen until she came home from the store. My fingers are covered with orange Cheetos dust and I lick them. [GodDAMN now I want some Cheetos. If my roommate Dawn Rochelle is reading this, pick some up for me on your way home from work.]

Bree scowls. "That's disgusting." She looks out the high glass window of the door. "I'm leaving."

. . .

Bree laughs and kisses [her boyfriend]. She says to me, "Go inside, Sissy."

I'm still wearing my sleep T-shirt and my legs and feet are bare. The cold has sliced right through me and frozen me to the porch.

Bree shoots Jerry an apologetic look, runs back and puts her arms around me. "It'll be all right, Sissy. I know what I'm doing."

I feel all hollow, scared too. I don't want my sister to leave.

"I'll send you postcards."

I stand still, my arms glued to my sides, fighting hard not to cry. I'm careful not to touch her with my disgusting orange fingers.

I'm sorry, you guys, I can't hate on this. It flows so nicely, and for once it seems like a fourteen-year-old is actually narrating, not your kooky old aunt who's convinced she's down with whatever the kids are.

Since Sissy and Briana's dad died long ago in a factory accident, now Sissy and her mom are left alone. Sissy reports that her mom has "this bad kind of arthritis" which, dude, how grateful are you for that description? Has there ever been a girl in the Lurleneverse before, a protagonist, at that, who has a relative with a medical condition and doesn't know every friggin' detail about it? Nope, not that I'm aware of! I swear, had Lurlene written this one ten years earlier there would be three pages devoted to the discovery of the condition, the doctor visits and diagnosis, the treatment, and the prognosis. NOPE JUST ONE SENTENCE OMG LURLENE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU IT'S LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

Sissy's mom isn't really that freaked about all of this. She's all, shrug, whatever, she'll come back. Sissy shouts:

"Call the sheriff, Mom. You can stop them."

Wait, call the... sheriff? What the hell? What fourteen year old busts out with that? Very strange. You're on notice, Lurlene. Luckily Sissy's mom is all, yeah, whatever, as soon as he leaves her, she'll be back. Right now I can't help but love the hell out of Sissy's mom! Sissy's all cute and fourteen about it, saying, "But if they're married..." and her mom's all YEAH THAT'LL MAKE IT LAST.

OH MY GOD REALISTIC UNDERSTANDING OF TEEN MARRIAGE WHO AM I READING AGAIN WHAAAAT!

Ha ha, I don't want to jump for joy TOO much. Once Sissy launches into more expositiony stuff about Bree, she mentions Bree lovvvved teen magazines:

She bought teen magazines about cool kids in cool places and read them for hours.

WHAT IS IT WITH LURLENE AND TEEN MAGAZINES. You people, I have to make a new category, don't I? GodDAMN Lurlene.

Sissy has two best friends, a boy named Stuart Ableman (he's JEWISH!) and Melody Wallace. They seem like normal kids, though Melody's a little shallow and dumb for my taste. I'm sure she's super into teen magazines too. Whatever, I'm not some girl named Sissy. She can pick her own friends.

So guess who's back? That's right, it's Bree! Sissy's all HOLY CRAP but of course their mom barely bats an eyelash. This stuff all seems so friggin' real, you guys, which wigs me out. WHO ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BOOK?

Sissy wants to know why Bree's back, if she's so unhappy there. Uhh, Sissy, have you looked at the housing costs for southern California? Actually, that's not why Bree's back:

Moisture fills her eyes. "I'm pregnant, Sissy. I'm a cliché - barefoot and pregnant, with no place else to go."

Ruh-roh!

Also, the amazing thing is that the chapter ends RIGHT THERE and the next begins with the very next line of dialogue. How Dan fucking Brown of you, Lurlene.

"Pregnant! But you're not married."

I start getting angry at this line BUT--

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I bite my tongue. What a stupid thing to say! I feel my face go flaming red. "Sorry," I say. "I must have had a brain disconnect."

Dude, what an... acceptable reaction. Who are you, ghost writer, and what did you do with my Lurlene?

No one wants to say the a-word, of course:

I've had sex education in school so I know what her options are. I swallow hard. "You're not going to... I mean, you're not thinking about--"

The word you're look for is ABORTION, Sissy. Ha! It's now a name and an insult.

So Sissy goes to hang out with Stu and Melody at the pool, where she runs into some nosy-ass girl from school:

"Do [Stu] and Melody have a thing?"

"A thing?" The question catches me totally off guard.

"You know, are they together? Is he her BF?"

Does anyone actually say "BF" for boyfriend? I thought BF was totes "best friend", as in BFF, yeah? Or am I just getting old?

Anyways, Sissy's not thrilled about these rumors, not liking the gossip OR the possibility. OH MY GOD A NORMAL REACTION TO YOUR BEST FRIENDS POSSIBLY DATING EACH OTHER. You guys, I also just realized the reason this narrative works so much better is it's in first-person, which lends itself really well to the story. Has Lurlene ever written another book in first-person POV? So now we've got better writing than ever and a totally different POV. I'd actually cry out "GHOSTWRITER!" except I feel like if Lurlene was trying to fake us out with some poor sap having to pretend to be her, this book would actually be rife with Lurlene standards. Right? Like the V.C. Andrews oeuvre went from bad to parody under the heavy hand of the ghostwriter.

Man, have I overthought this one.

So Sissy and Bree's mom is totes unhappy about the baby sitch, and is grilling Bree on how she's going to handle this. I think she could be a BIT more supportive, honestly; then again, I didn't raise some wild child who's never handled responsibility well and now thinks she can raise a kid. It's a tricky subject, I'll say that much. No, Bree hasn't proven herself in the past, but she wants to be a mom to this kid; shouldn't she be supported, at least emotionally?

I hate the mom even more when she takes Sissy and Bree to Chattanooga for Bree's first obstetrician appointment:

Mom insists we all go to the exam room, where we meet a woman obstetrician [you know what I call women obstetricians? OBSTETRICIANS!] named Dr. Wehrenberg.

OMG are there any midwesterners reading this? Do you guys remember the old Wehrenberg Theaters theme song? It is so awesomely bad. I wanted you guys to hear (or rehear) it so badly I went to YouTube and searched for it. Please ignore the video content; I've no frigging clue why it features clips from Fred Claus and the Spiderwick Chronicles:



Oh, man, it's so earwormy. Also now I'm homesick. FOR THE PAST.

She gives me a questioning look and Mom says, "I want Sissy to hear what you have to say."

OH MAN I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU, MOM. Putting Bree in this position is so fucking unfair. She's scared enough; let's not make her go through her first appointment with her little sister in the room who is being shown her as an example as what NOT to be. GodDAMN this is wrong. You know, if she wants to talk to Sissy AT SOME OTHER TIME AT SOME OTHER PLACE WITHOUT BREE IN THE ROOM about how obviously difficult this is for Bree and how to prevent this there are all sorts of birth control and also the option of abstinence, FINE, but this is so gross and unfair, and, Bree, I'm so sorry your mom's such a wench.

Bree gets a job at Wal*Mart so she can earn a living, which I guess is as good an option as any in small-town America when you don't even have your high school diploma. At least she's being responsible!! This news spreads fast because small towns are lame and have nothing better to talk about, so Stu mentions to Sissy maybe he'll get a job there over the Christmas holiday, since he's Jewish and he doesn't really, ya know, give a shit. I LOVE THAT LURLENE WROTE A LOVABLE JEWISH CHARACTER! I was afraid he'd either be rife with stereotypes or, ya know, never shut up about the Holocaust, but Lurlene just made him a normal kid. THIS BOOK IS BLOWING MY MIND. Sissy's still jealous and weird every time Stu mentions Melody, which, YAAAAY REALISM. Also, hello, welcome to me as a kid.

Bree luckily gets to go to her next appointment alone, and she comes home thrilled to announce the baby's a girl. How does Mommy McMeanie react?:

"How are you going to take care of her, Briana?"

OH MY GOD JUST SAY ONE NICE THING GEEZ. Of course she calls an adoption agency and sends an agent over to chat with Bree. I am a really big supporter of women getting to have children only WHEN they want, so this makes me angry, because Bree really has come to want this baby, and her mom isn't being cool. I'm not saying Bree's in an ideal position, but, please, there are many worse things than a seventeen-year-old having a baby she really wants.

So, of course, this is the Lurleneverse, albeit a bizarro one, so Bree collapses at work! And, sadly, it isn't just an allergic reaction to working in the most heinous of all the chain stores, she had a brain aneurysm. Lurlene is sooo happy here to get to delve into her comfort zone, the medical fetishism we've all grown to expect. Blah blah, brain dead, blah blah, machines keeping her alive, blah blah blah.

We all know where this is going, yeah? The baby's too young to deliver, so Mommy McMeanie
has to decide whether or not to keep Bree alive long enough for the baby to be born healthy. Oh, man, what a sticky ethical situation. Since the child was really wanted by Bree, I'm okay with Mommy McMeanie deciding to keep Bree on the machines, but of course I'm a little wigged out with women being used only as baby incubators. Like I said, though, this is a situation where, to me, it seems okay. Also, considering Mommy McMeanie's previous feelings on the baby, I think that showed a lot of courage for her.

Mommy McMeanie tells Sissy she can be the one to name the baby, so while out Christmas shopping with the constant-foot-in-her-mouth Melody, Sissy buys a baby name book. Aw, I like this plotline. I mean, not Melody, but didn't many of us have a super-annoying friend at that age who, years later, we recognize as total mess? Naming the baby, though, that's really nice. Of course, I'm a little nervous Mommy McMeanie is just doing this to placate Sissy for now, and the name will be little more than how it goes on the birth certificate before she hands the kid off to some agency-approved set of adoptive parents. Hey, I'm not saying this is particularly a bad option; Sissy's just a kid, and Mommy has rheumatoid arthritis, so the baby is going to make life VERY tough on them. I just don't want to see Sissy's heart broken even more than it already is, with Bree brain dead.

Bree develops an infection, so the baby has to be delivered earlier than optimal. And Bree dies. Man, this is actually sad, you guys! The baby's fighting for her life, and they have a funeral for Bree. After the funeral, Sissy tags along with Stu to a school function, ready for any normalcy to take her mind off of the hell that is her life.

Of course she totes jumps Stu, and he's all THE FUCK? Oh, god, it's so embarrassing and sad; I hoped at least she'd get some smooching to make up for the crapload life has dumped on her, but instead Stu is just nice enough to pretend it never happened. Fine, yeah, this is waaaaay more likely how it actually would go, but I was for once hoping for a nice little only-in-books moment.

Sissy's spending all her spare time at the hospital with the baby, who's luckily, despite her birth into the Lurleneverse, getting healthier and stronger all the time. GO BABY! One day Sissy arrives to find that schemin' adoption agent there. OH NOES YOU GUYS! Actually, why am I rooting for Sissy and her mom to take home this baby? I have totally fallen prey to the mindset of the Lurleneverse! Send help before it's too late!

Because that's not shitty enough, Mel and Stu take her aside to tell her they've actually been going out since the summer. OH MY GOD NOT COOL YOU GUYS. Poor, poor Sissy. If you were real I would totally take you out for some totally unhealthy food, and commiserate because I have soooo been there. Being this age really sucks.

Mommy McMeanie's heart grows three sizes, and the baby comes home for Christmas! Yay!! Mel and Stu chip in to send over a Christmas tree, which helps Sissy get through her anger, sadness, and heartbreak (I mean, as far as they're concerned), and Sissy decides on the name Briana Noel, to be called Noel, for the baby. IT'S KIND OF LOVELY. I seriously can't believe I sort of enjoyed this book.

Just remember, guys, the danger grows: it turns out it isn't just virgins who have to fear death in the Lurleneverse. Beware, my friends, beware!

Emotional abuse will kill you, just not how you think, or Telling Christina Goodbye

I always feel like it's bad news for a recap when I sort of shrug and say "oh I guess that wasn't so bad!" And it's with this confession I bring you Telling Christina Goodbye.

What's it about, you ask? Okay, actually, you didn't ask that. You are currently assuming it's about telling someone named Christina goodbye. People, you would be CORRECT! But let's dive a little deeper!:

Trisha Thompson and her best friend Christina are having a great senior year. Trisha and her boyfriend, Cody, are making plans to attend Indiana University together in the fall, while Christina has already received a scholarship to the University of Vermont. Everything would be perfect if only Trisha got along with Christina's controlling boyfriend Tucker, who is trying to convince Christina not to go away for college. But suddenly their lives change one night when Tucker is driving the four home from an away basketball game. When his car hits a patch of black ice and overturns, Tucker walks away with barely a scratch, but Trisha is injured, Cody is in a coma, and Christina is dead. Those left behind must learn that it takes time for their scars - both visible and not - to heal. And they must find the courage to move on with their lives.

You know, between that and the cover...:


Thanks, back-cover-copywriter! Thank you cover designer! Now I already know the plot of HALF THE BOOK. I mean, I guess the second you start reading, with a title like Telling Christina Goodbye, once you meet a character named Christina you're picturing death over her shoulder. So basically everyone involved at this stage of the game should have been fired.

This isn't to say that one is ever really THAT surprised getting immersed in the Lurleneverse. You know there's gonna be death or at least severe injury/disease. Yeah? But that's more like knowing if you pick up a romance novel there's gonna be some kissing, a plot contrivance to separate our lovers, and then ANOTHER plot contrivance to bring them back. Wouldn't the equivalent be a book called Getting Engaged to Bob Loblaw where the back-cover copy listed exactly the steps to Bob Loblaw gettin' down on one knee and pulling out that ring from Jared? Sure, that was to be expected BUT DID YOU HAVE TO LAY IT ALL OUT FOR US GEEEEEEZ.

Okay, back in the Lurleneverse, we meet Trisha and her best friend Christina, both high school seniors. Oooh, Christina, despite your young age, I'm worried about your fate! Anyways, Christina is locked in a bathroom stall crying about her dumbass of a boyfriend Tucker. I HATE TUCKER!!! See, these kids live in the middle of nowhere, Illinois (hey, I used to live near there!), and Christina just got this awwwwesome scholarship to the U of Vermont. Her and her parents and Trisha are jazzed. Good for you, Christina! I was so friggin' envious of all the kids like you who got those kind of deals while I was working at TJ Maxx to put myself through community college.

So what's the problem? Christina's asshole boyfriend WHO SHE'S BEEN SEEING SINCE EIGHTH GRADE totes DOES NOT APPROVE. He says she has to stay near him. Why can't he just go with her? Well, Tucker gets shit grades so he can only go to a nearby crap school. He thinks it's fair for Christina to go to a shit school to.

Okay so I know I rag on Lurlene a lot for her supposed lady-hatred demonstrated by, ya know, writing how working mommies are the devil's handmaidens, but I love that this is totally not approved of! Tucker is shown to be an asshole just during this short little conversation, and Trisha's disapproval speaks for all of us, yeah? Good work, Lurlene, pushy dudes who inflict emotional abuse are NOT COOL.

Christina is all "WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL BE DOING BOTH SIDES HAVE COMPELLING ADVANTAGES" and we're all "UH HELLO NO ONE IS A CRAP SCHOOL WITH AN ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND WHILE THE OTHER IS PAID FOR AND AWWWWESOME". God, Trisha, I feel your pain. I don't know how I could reason with this lady! Haven't we all had friends with douchey boys? At the end of the day it just sucks.

Trisha is at her little brother Charlie's basketball practice when stupid Tucker sits down next to her. GODDAMN TUCKER! He's all "HEY I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE ME VERY MUCH" and Trisha is all "uhhh YEAH" and I seriously hate Tucker so much already! I'm just relieved that for once I'm SUPPOSED to! I'm not saying Lurlene is some beacon of revealing truths about gender relations in our culture but at least she recognizes abuse when she sees (writes?) it.

So we meet Trisha's boyfriend Cody, who I guess is okay. Lurlene couldn't write a realistic high school boyfriend if one came up and bit her on the ass, but he's fine. God, you guys, I am so sorry for that mental picture. I myself can't shake it, but my pain is your pain, all right? The one thing I don't love about Cody is he is all about excusing Tucker's behaviour. Like, he's a much better dude than Tucker (most dudes are) but he doesn't seem to get that crazy jealous and controlling behaviour is NOT okay. It makes you worry, doesn't it?

Also, of course, Trisha and Cody have TOTALLY NORMAL AND REALISTIC couple chats and, like, schticks:

[Cody's] smile lit up his eyes and made them crinkle at the corners. She loved it when he came up behind her in the halls, put his arm around her shoulder, and whispered in her ear, "Who loves you, babe?"

And she'd say, "Have we met?"

And he'd say, "Don't tell me you're spoken for. Am I going to have to take some guy out before we can live happily ever after?"

And she'd say, "No. You're the one I want."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

Gross! Also how many typical high school kids are all hung up on this notion of "forever"? Dudes, you're like seventeen or eighteen; forever is a long-ass time away. Maybe you should go to college and experiment with your sexuality first. Oh, wait, except Trisha and Cody are going to the same nearby state school. I guess it's okay to do that when a big move isn't required? Ugh.

Jackass Tucker shows up at Trisha's house, and he's all I TOTES FIGURED IT OUT BEOTCH CHRISTINA WILL NEVER EVER EVER LEAVE MEEEEEE and he shows her a diamond ring. Yep, that's right, Tucker's gonna propose on Valentine's Day, and of course since Christina has no backbone where Tucker's concerned, she's gonna say yes, and there goes her scholarship and good education. GodDAMN.

So the four kids all double-date to an away game (Christina used to be a cheerleader but she quit right after football season SHE SAID to focus on her studies but Trisha knows it's because Tucker didn't like other dudes "ogling" Christina in her cheer gear OH SHUT UPPP TUCKER YOU ARE SO ONE-DIMENSIONAL AND CLICHED). Of course some guy Christina IS FRIENDS WITH does the unthinkable and TALKS TO HER and of course this is a guy Tucker's already WARNED so he beats down this poor dude's ass. Our foursome leave the game in pissy moods, obviously for different reasons. Tucker's, of course, driving like the jackassy bastard he is, and gets into some sort of road rage regarding some dudes from the rival school. You guys saw the cover so you know how this ends:

CAR CRASH!

Trisha wakes up and she's hurt and bleeding and was thrown from the car. Tucker is there and he seems fine OF COURSE. Some guys have all the luck! He's also lucky because Trisha can't remember any details of the wreck so she's unaware it was his jackassy driving that caused it.

Trisha is airlifted to a hospital, and from the helicopter she sees two bodies lying near the wreck. OH NOES.

She's examined at the hospital (cuts and a sprained knee, nothin' too bad all things considered) and gets some craptastic news: Cody is in a coma, and Christina is DEAD. Oh HELL. Of course, if you looked at the picture on the cover or read the synopsis this DOES NOT SURPRISE YOU.

It's all pretty sad! Cody is at a fancy hospital in Chicago, because they have a super head trauma department, so Trisha can't visit him right away. Boo hoo! And when she does, he's just, ya know, comatose, though at least that gives Lurlene an excuse to squeeze in all this medical knowledge about comas and shit. Lurlene must loooove Wikipedia.

More sad stuff! Trisha goes to Christina's funeral. She's really freaked out about seeing her friend in a casket, as I think most of us would be. Luckily, she gets this bit of comfort:

Panic raced down Trisha's spine. "I--I don't--"

"She looks pretty," Christina's father, Nelson, said. "Don't be alarmed."

WAIT WHAT? Was that actually what Trisha was worried about, that Christina wouldn't be pretty? The hell? Nelson, you're probably not a very good father, are you?

So Trisha goes back to school way earlier than anyone thinks is wise. They ask her to say a few words at a memorial service for Christina, and of course she freaks out and flees the scene - as would most of us, I assume! - and Abby, a girl who is on the yearbook staff with her, comes to get her. Whyyy? Trisha wants to know the same thing:

"And why would you do that?"

"Because I know what you've been going through."

Trisha unlocked the door, threw it open, and glared at Abby. "People say that all the time. But it's a lie! [This is my favorite line right now. It's fun to shout; try it! BUT IT'S A LIE!] Nobody knows how I feel. How could you?"

Whoa, Trisha, way to harsh Abby's mellow. Also WAY TO GUESS INCORRECTLY. Abby knows EXACTLY what you're going through because when she was little, her brother was in a car accident AND DIED. Sorry, Abby!

So Tucker is all up in Trisha's grill about whether or not she exactly remembers the accident. She doesn't! But she knows SOMETHING is up. I started to get the same feeling, in that way that I'd totally read this plotline before... but not in the Lurleneverse. Actually there's a whole plot in a book I loved as a twelve-year-old called Izzy, Willy-Nilly by Cynthia Voigt. In that book, Izzy totes knew a drunk driver was responsible for the car wreck that claimed one of her legs, but the guy and his girlfriend WHO WAS A FRIEND OF HERS put all this pressure on her not to tell. Considering Izzy, Willy-Nilly is the kind of book you just KNOW Lurlene wish she wrote, this feels a little plagiarizy. Sorry to put it out there, I'm just saying. Then again, I guess there are so many post-car wreck scenarios to write about, so maybe it's just an honest overlap. Also, Izzy, Willy-Nilly is an interesting book to reread as an adult. I'm really not sure I recommend it!

So OMG YOU GUYS Cody is awake from his coma!!!!! Unfortunately, he thinks he's in middle school. And that means he doesn't remember Trisha (OR the details of the crash OR that the others in the crash were also his friends) because:

No wonder he didn't remember her. They'd only started dating in high school.

You guys, how weird is that "only"? So because Christina and Tucker got together in eighth grade it was way late in the game to couple up in friggin' HIGH SCHOOL? It's funny because in a lot of Lurlene's books the one thing I can't complain about is that she seems to have a decent grasp on the fact that young kids might know each other for awhile before actually dating or hooking up or whatever, so this seems kind of inconsistent and weird. Alas!

Cody freaks out since he doesn't know Trisha, and she flees in tears. When she gets back from Chicago, Abby comes over to cheer her up. Trisha dishes the full story and this is Abby's response:

"Low blow," Abby said, patting Trisha on the back and handing her a wad of tissue.

LOW BLOW? That doesn't even really make any sense. Thank you for being a friend, Abby.

Cody comes home from the hospital, and Trisha spends time with him, hoping the old Cody will come back. Good ol' Tucker does the same thing, because apparently now he's a good person. Whatever. I hate you, Tucker. He promises to keep visiting Cody:

"Will you come back?" Cody asked.

"Do you want me to?"

"We were friends. I'm not sure I had that many."

"You did," Tucker said. "You were a regular guy. Everyone liked you."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? People like regular guys only? Is that, like, shorter Tucker: you weren't a weirdo freak? Also, godDAMN has Lurlene skillfully captured the way eighteen year old dudes talk to each other.

Christina's mom Julia calls Trisha, and she finds out they're moving. Bad Dad Nelson got a new job, plus they're ready to leave this place behind. Don't blame you guys! Julia suggests to Trisha that she take a few things from Christina's room to remember her by. This part got to me a little, guys, only because, okay, imagine your best friend is dead and her mom is pushing you to take things so you're surrounded by all her crap except you're never seeing her again and, oh, man, did we all just think of the items we'd take? Just me? All right then. Anyways, this awkward exchange occurs:

"I should go. I told Mom I'd be back by lunch."

"Certainly. Of course." Julia didn't move. "May I ask a favor?"

"Anything."

"Would you let me hold you for just a minute?" Tears shimmered on Julia's lashes.

"Hold me? Well, gee, sure."

WELL GEE ALL RIGHT THEN!

Lurlene gives us this great totally meta moment between Trisha and Cody, while they're hanging outside at his place:

"They say this is bad for us," Trisha commented. "That the sun causes skin cancer." [CANCER CANCER CANCER YAAAAY IN A COMA BOOK!]

"I don't care. It feels good, and I'm going stir-crazy being stuck inside the house all the time."

"I don't care either." At the moment, cancer didn't seem like half the threat that everyday life did.

OH MY GOD TRISHA THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE IN THE LURLEVERSE. CANCER IS BASICALLY YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY OMGGGG STOP TAUNTING THE CANCER.

Trisha's life IS getting better, though, despite her obvious impending visit from the cancer gods. She's hanging out a lot with Cody, helping him, and even though he's probably never going to be the old Cody again, he's pretty cool. She takes up Christina's old volunteer position at a nursing home, and she's working hard on the yearbook and hanging out lots with Abby. But:

She even filled out a job application at Home Depot, but her parents had a fit and forbade her to turn it in.

Um, do they understand what Home Depot is? It's not like she went and got a job at Hooters or, I dunno, Hustler or something. What the hell, parents?

So the police investigation ends, and the wreck is declared an accident, not vehicular homicide. Trisha is not thrilled at that news, because that means Tucker's in the clear. But does she actually, deep down, think he's guilty? Or does she just want to blame a jackasshole for the tragedy? DUM DUM DUMMMM!

Cody returns to school, and it's totes rough on him. Oh Cody! Ensuing gossip gave me basically the best example of Lurlene's dialogue trying its hardest to pop with realism and, well, hissing to the ground like a pricked balloon:

When she walked into the bathroom and overheard two junior girls gossiping about it, she glared at them and said, "Don't you two have anything better to talk about?"

One said, "Gee ['gee' again??], we didn't mean anything by it."

"Then shut up about it."

"It's a free country," one girl dared to say. [Oooh! A dare!]

"Then I might just take advantage of my freedom to stick your head down a toilet." [Uh, Trisha, her gossip is covered by free speech. Sticking someone's head in a toilet is NOT free speech nor constitutionally guaranteed.]

The girl's eyes widened [at the lameness of that threat?]. "No need to go postal about it. We were just talking."

So Trisha and Cody go to the prom as a double-date with Abby and her boyfriend. Yay! Trisha and Cody's parents go in together on a fancy limo because they can't stand the thought of the kids not having a driver on a double date. Yeah, can't say I blame you, parents. Luckily this night does NOT end in a car crash! Whew!

In talking to Cody about the car wreck, Trisha has a chilling sensation. She's all, "there were nights when the wind was so cold that my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window. There were days when the sun was so cruel that all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying out forever. IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW!"



Trisha runs to confront Tucker. She accuses him of not being able to pass the other car on the left, so passing it on the right ON THE SHOULDER where he hit black ice and spun out. He's all, shrug, yeah, I know, sucks, right? Tucker's actually confessed this all already, it just doesn't change the fact that it's categorized as an accident, not vehicular homicide, especially once Christina's parents dropped all charges against him. Trisha's all BUT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THEY THINK IT WAS TOTES JUST NORMAL ICE NOT SHOULDER BLACK ICE YOU BASTARD and he's all WHAT WOULD IT CHANGE and Trisha knows basically she just wants everyone to hate Tucker too. Trisha, I feel your pain.

Actually Tucker does tell everyone at school though! Thing is, it actually makes people feel SORRIER for him. Ruh-roh! I kind of liked the way this was handled, actually. The whole book led me to think there was going to be big-ass law drama for Tucker and his stupid ass, but it just sort of fizzled - it pains me to say - much like real life.

So Trisha gets accepted into a good state school, but Cody can't graduate because he missed too much and had trouble catching up once he came back. So Trisha's all, that's fine, I'll stay here and go to the community college next year and take care of you! After the whole thing about Christina giving up the opportunity in Vermont just to stay near Tucker, I thought we were in for a super life lesson about how Trisha needed to go away after all and hopefully Cody would understand. But, nope! That's just fine! And that's how it ends, kids:

She laid her cheek against his shoulder. "I love you, Cody."

He kissed her temple. "And I love you. I may not remember many things from before the accident. I may never remember all of my life from before. Truth is, I don't even try to remember it all anymore. I'm just taking it day by day. And the best part about every day is finding it in you." [Finding WHAT in her? Dirty.]

Goose bumps raced up her arms, and her heart filled to overflowing. [Her heart totally goes to eleven.] "Well, get used to it. I plan to be around for a long, long time."

"Forever?" he asked.

"Forever," she answered.

And there you have it, folks, thus ends our life lessons on how to royally screw up any chance of a functional adult relationship! Oh well. This jaunt through the Lurleneverse gave us more good lessons than bad, only nice mothers, and the stern warning that emotionally abusive assholes are dangerous. I'll take it.

Skip that company picnic, or the Girl Death Left Behind

You guys, I have a really shocking confession about the Girl Death Left Behind (published 1999).

Sure, Kristy only sent it to me because it has perhaps THE GREATEST TITLE EVER, but what you're going to find simply unbelievable about this one is, I'm sure, completely fucking unexpected:

I sort of enjoyed it!

Oh my god, you guys, I'm not kidding. I want to be kidding! But I can't hate on it; I can't hate on even A LITTLE of it.

Obviously I totes thought I was going to! First there's the title. Then? The cover:


I mean, nothing's WRONG with it, per se, just combined with the title and the longing glance over her shoulder, I thought it was more suited for, "Oh, um, hey, Death? I think you... yeah, do you feel like you left something behind? Like... like ME? No, no, I get that you're busy and all, I just thought maybe--oh, no, it's cool, I'll just keep going. Cool, no, totally. Cool." Also Beth is wearing a cardigan, and if any of you have spent any time with me lately, you'll know the one thing I'm in search of is the perfect cardigan. This one looks pretty nice!

According to the back of the book, this one's about:

Beth's world has been torn apart. She cannot figure out how to go on when a car accident claims the lives of her entire family, and she is the only survivor. Things seem to get even worse when she moves in with her aunt and her spoiled cousin, Terri. But with the love and support of her aunt and some unexpected friends, Beth struggles to overcome the despair that threatens to consume her. Will she be able to move past the painful memories without feeling guilty for being a survivor?

So I opened up the book, ready to snark on what lied within. And, please, of course it didn't take me long. We meet Beth, who's shooting baskets with her next-door neighbor and friend Teddy, while his boombox is tuned into "A ROCK STATION". I hate that crap! (Not rock music, guys, don't worry, I'm totes down with the rock and/or roll.) Spend two seconds around kids and you'll learn no one says they listen to "rock music". Whatever, I know all grownups think kids listen to the rock and roll and talk in stilted phrases!

So Teddy's reeeeally hoping Beth's BFF Marcie comes over, because Teddy is super into Marcie. It's kind of cute, yeah? He's Beth's next-door neighbor and plays basketball with her and dreams of her best friend, and everyone's cool with this. I mean, I'm not sure how realistic this is, because I know a lot of kids in Beth's position would feel threatened by this (I totes would have), but I like that Beth isn't shown as being jealous (even though I would have been!).

So Beth's fam shows up, totally spoiling all the fun. Beth has a younger sister, Allison, who's a soccer champ, and a little brother, Doug. Beth has to go along to most of Allison's soccer games with the whole family, which annoys the heck out of her. Yeah, remember when you were fourteen and all you wanted to do was hang out with your friends so you could listen to "rock music" and all of a sudden your parents had become super interested in your life and you could never escape them? Fourteen is not an easy age, folks! YES I AM RELATING TO A LURLENE McDANIEL CHARACTER SHUTTTT UPPPPP.

So Beth's mom takes her aside to see if Beth wants her cousin Terri to spend a month with her during the summer. Beth is NOT cool about this, because Terri's a heinous spoiled wench, and also because Beth's BFF will be out of town so she'll have to endure Terri on her own. Wait, what about Teddy? Anyways, this is one of the few parts that raises my hackles, because it's basically said that the reason Terri is a spoiled brat is that she's an only child, and there have been TONS of studies done that only kids don't fare any worse than any other kids. But, whatever, I'm sure it's easier to slip into spoiling your kids if there's only one of them. HERE'S A PASS LURLENE JUST TAKE IT!

Beth's mom lays on the guilt about it! See, her and her sister Camille had A DOUBLE WEDDING.

(OH MY GOD YOU GUYS A DOUBLE WEDDING! Do people really have double weddings? Let's set aside the rest of this post and just chat about double weddings. If I had a double wedding I would make it the tackiest effing* thing ever, not that it wouldn't automatically qualify as such, once it becomes A DOUBLE WEDDING. OH MY GOD! It's amazing!)

Okay, anyways, so Beth's dad and Terri's dads were BFFs in the military, and then they married sisters, and then Beth's mom and Camille GOT PREGNANT AT THE SAME TIME AND THEN HAD GIRLS AT THE SAME TIME. My roommate Dawn Rochelle and I always joke that we are super codependent, but I think we found a new ideal to which we should achieve. Y/N?

Obviously Beth pretty much HAS to say yes to Terri staying there, and then on top of that her mom is all "oh and YOU have to invite her so it isn't so glaringly obvious we forced you to" which, geez, Beth's mom, that just sucks for Beth. It's not her fault your codependent sister raised a heinous little jerk.

So the parents are going on and on about Beth's dad's company picnic, and I get kind of nervous, because, c'mon, I've seen the title of the book. Since I doubt plague is a possibility, I figure the fam sans Beth must get into a car wreck, and I bet this is gonna be it!

Oh, yep, and now it's the day of the picnic, and Beth's sick so she can't go. OH NO YOU GUYS. You know it's coming! So Beth's mom offers to stay home with her, but Beth refuses (OH BETH!) and they all leave. Beth takes a nap, but's awaken by a knock on the door. It's her dad's secretary (yeah, Lurlene, lemme tell you, most companies have stopped having secretaries, nowadays we call them assistants and lots of them are boys) and two cops. COPS! WHAT! Yeah, there's been a bad accident.

So everyone goes to the hospital, including Teddy's mom, and no one will tell Beth what's going on. Finally hospital staff insists Beth has a family member there, so she calls Camille, who flies in. When Camille gets there, a doctor takes them aside to let them know everyone died! It's, like, the least comforting scene like this I've read in forever:

"According to the police," the doctor said, "the van swerved from the road and careened down a hill, rolled over, and smashed into a tree. [Holy shit!] The impact was severe. The Jaws of Life had to be used to open the car and extract the passengers."

Beth shuddered. "B-but they're all right, aren't they? You fixed them up, didn't you?"

Dr. Higdon looked her in the eye. "No, Beth. They arrived at our emergency room DOA." His voice was soft, terribly soft.

"DOA?" Her voice quivered.

"Dead on arrival. [DUDE SOME COMPASSION!] I'm very sorry, but there was absolutely nothing we could do for them. Nothing at all. [DUDE STOP IT!]"

Dude, a future word of advice? DON'T SAY 'DOA'! There are ten thousand better ways to say it.

But you know what? That's that. There is no medical talk, no descriptions of tubes and machines and internal injuries and organ donations and Glasgow scores. Nope, they're dead, and this book is about Beth, not injury fetishism. That's basically fucking amazing, yeah? It's so refreshing.

So there's a sad funeral (OF COURSE), which Beth's BFF doesn't even attend because she's still out of town! Man, that would suck. Beth finds out afterwards that she has to move from Chattanooga to Florida to live with Camille and her husband Jack, and of course the terrible Terri.

I feel now is as good a time as any to tell you guys that not only is this totally the kind of plot I would use for a young adult novel (I basically would write about anything that involves a restructuring of family, ask anyone about my current project if you doubt me), I totally wrote something really similar when I was fourteen! In that book, though, only the parents died, the sibling wasn't in the accident either, and the aunt and her kids lived across town. Also the sisters spent, like, two minutes mourning their parents and the rest of the time talking about boys. I'd like to tell you guys it was the worst thing I ever wrote but that would be such a big lie that you'd never trust me again.

Okay, so back to the story. Of course Beth hates Florida. Terri is a royal beotch to her, of course. I believe the conflict; I believe the specific dialogue a bit less:

Terri entered, her gaze darting everywhere. "Um--my friend LuAnne is having a pool party Saturday night and she wants us to come."

"I don't want to go."

"Why not?"

"I don't feel like partying." Beth turned away.

"It's the last party before school starts. Everyone will be there. It'll be fun." [Wow, check out that enthusiasm! It sounds like a blaaaast.]

"Fun for you, maybe, but not for me."

"How do you know?" [How do YOU know anyone DOESN'T talk so lamely? MAYBE SOME DO.]

"I just know, that's all." [OH MY GOD CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS REAL DIALOGUE IN A REAL BOOK?]

"You never want to do anything." Terri sounded pouty.

"Look, I just don't feel like going to some party. Don't you get it?"

"You could have friends." Terri's tone turned cajoling. [Cajoling always sounds fun to me.]

"I have friends. They just don't happen to live in Tampa."

I mean, who are these people who talk like this? WHOOO?

But Beth DOES go to the party, and she meets a super hot and nice boy named Jared. I used to like the name Jared, but now it just reminds me of commercials I hate: losing weight via submarine sandwiches or a badly-named jeweler who apparently thinks people know what the fuck they're talking about when the script calls for a lady to shriek "HE WENT TO JARED!" I always imagine the dude rolling up to Jared from Subway who's got a bunch of diamond rings and meatball subs in the trunk of his car. Luckily, the Jared in the book is neither of these things!

(Mmmm, meatball subs.)

Jared totally hates Terri too. He calls her Mouth of the South and Terri the Tattler, which are pretty lame putdowns, but at least his heart's in the right place! Unfortunately, after the party, Terri confides in Beth:

"I wanted to point out Jared Harrison to you."

Beth's head snapped up. "Why?"

A gooey [GOOEY??] smile spread over Terri's face. "I have plans for him and me."

"Plans?"

"Absolutely. I think he's totally buff, and this year I intend to make him my guy. Count on it."

OH NOES.

So occasionally we get little excerpts of emails sent between Beth, Marcie, and Teddy, which BLEW MY FREAKING MIND. I had no idea technology was present in the Lurleneverse. It threw me off guard SO MUCH. It's nice, though! I like that they keep in touch, even if of course the emails all sound like they're written by the same person. Lurlene isn't great at making her characters sound like different people, I mean, of course, unless they're uneducated African Americans.

It's the first day of school, and it sucks, of course!! You know who's there and nice, though? Jared, of course! Beth's kind of uneasy, though, with the whole "TERRI WILL PROBABLY MURDER ME" thing weighing on her. I wouldn't put it past Terri!

So Beth's in the bathroom and in wanders this girl who has:

• spiky orange hair
• a pierced nose
• garish makeup
• a tattoo

I kept picturing her as Jael from America's Next Top Model!:


So I am totes waiting for the big life lesson about how spiky hair is the work of the devil, and nose piercings are the fault of working women, and tattoos are tangible proof of a slutty lifestyle, but instead the girl is just snotty to Beth and then stomps off. Beth later mentions her encounter to Jared, and he tells her the girl is named Sloane, and to give her a break. Sloane's parents suck, and she basically has to live at the school, and all the kids keep hush-hush about it so that Sloane doesn't get into trouble with either the school or her evil dad. Once Terri turned her in, and that's one reason so many kids hate Terri.

So... WAIT. Sloane is a decent kid? The person who picked on her is the bad kid? OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I HAD NO IDEA THIS COULD HAPPEN WITHIN THE LURLENEVERSE. This made me so unbelievably happy!

Okay, so life goes on, Beth is sad and misses her parents as well as her friends back home. Terri's a, ya know, terror. So time passes and it's the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. Beth is leaving the bathroom as Sloane tries to settle in there with all her crap, and gets caught by the faculty. Beth covers for her, says that Sloane just has all her crap because she's spending the weekend with her. OH MY GOD BETH I LOVE YOU! So Sloane has to follow Beth outside, and Beth delights in, in front of Terri, telling Camille her friend Sloane needs a place to crash for the weekend. Camille's not going to refuse anything to the girl with the dead family!

So Terri's all on high alert for Sloane to steal stuff, and it kind of unsettles Beth, but she soon realizes Sloane is a decent girl with a shitty life. They don't have a lot in common, but they get along okay. I love that Beth doesn't try to teach her any lessons about how to dress or behave, and Sloane isn't miraculously transformed through contact with a normal kid. They both have dealt with some shitty circumstances, and that's enough to tie them together. Man, it's so nice. I loved everything about this plotline!

So by the end of the weekend, Sloane's man Carl is back in town, and he picks her up from Beth's. I figured he'd be some asshole too, using a girl who has a bad life, but, no, he's decent. I KNOW RIGHT? This is amazing.

So Camille has a party for Beth's birthday, and only Jared comes, which is okay because he totes kisses her. It's a really sweet scene, you guys:

"Happy birthday, Beth." Without warning, he lifted her chin and kissed her full on the lips. The kiss was quick; she didn't even have time to close her eyes.

Her breath caught, her heart thudded, and the world seemed to tilt.

This is also good because back home Teddy and Marcie are totes together. CUTE! Fourteen-year-olds and romances are adorable to me, especially when they seem (wait for it) pretty realistic.

So Beth learns that her old home has to be sold for the lawyers to settle her parents' estate. She is so not okay with this, but Camille keeps telling her over and over that it's the only thing that can be done. Beth lets it drop, but with Jared, Sloane, and Carl, makes a plan to get back to it. Carl and Sloane will drive her back up so she can figure out a way to stay there. She's sad about leaving Jared, but knows this is what she wants.

Camille and Jack will be out of town for the weekend, but Beth needs to convince Terri to keep quiet about it to give her a few days of lead time. Terri grumbles a lot, and Beth is like, "yeah, remember, you hate me? Isn't this what you want?" Finally Terri agrees to hide the truth from her parents, and Beth is off on her way! Sloane and Carl seem like good people to take a roadtrip with; they're so understanding about this!!

So they drop her off, and tell her they're actually going to settle in Atlanta on the way back, as there's nothing good left for them in Florida. There is no big lesson about them needing to accept family, or get married, or clean up their looks. Nope! They helped out Beth, and now they're off to find their own ways in the world. Sloane and Carl, call me, we will totally hang out if we're ever in the same city!

Beth explores her old house, but of course it's no longer the same, and it doesn't actually feel like home anymore. She does get to hang out with Teddy, but Marcie is conveniently out of town again. The fuck? Is Lurlene afraid to write dialogue for Marcie? Does she not understand how to have two friends in the same scene with the protag? Except... except she had Jared, Sloane, and Carl all in one scene! I'm so confused.

Of course, guess who shows up??? Camille and Terri! Camille is all "you are soooo coming back with us" and Beth tries to resist. But her and Terri finally have a heart-to-heart, where they're honest about how they feel about each other. I mean, it's not like Beth was ever that nice to Terri either, yeah? Terri says now she feels like Beth is her sister, and Beth is all, "yeah, not possible, you're a wench to me." Terri points out that she was a wench to Allison all the time! Go Terri! Terri also explains that her parents were on the verge of divorce but then the accident happened and Beth moved in, and they made things work, and her dad started taking less business trips (Oh my god!!! The MAN is the one who had to change for his family to work!!!), and that really fucking hurts that they could manage that for Beth and not her. Beth sees how that must have felt, but gets Terri to see it wasn't actually FOR Beth, but simply the circumstances that resulted from the tragic deaths.

And Terri and Beth know they will never be BFF, but they're family, practically sisters, and they feel comforted by this. Beth also knows that now, Florida is home, and she's ready to say goodbye to her past and follow Terri and Camille back to her present and future.

And, shhhhh, I got a little choked up there. You can all shut your mouths now.



*Did you guys notice that this week on Project Runway that Tim actually used "effing" to describe something? OH MY GOD. I couldn't love him more; I wish he was my uncle.

Don't ever run out of soda, or Somewhere Between Life and Death

Somewhere Between Life and Death (published 1990) is very special, not only because this blog is its namesake, but because one of the main characters is named Amy! AW YEAH.

Back in the day, this book was all on its own:


Um, what the hell is the thing to the left of that girl's face? Is it the floating face of her comatose sister? If so, why does it look more like a puppet wearing a cheap wig? I mean, I've never seen anyone in a coma except on some episode of Chicago Hope; is that how they look?

Anyways, now it's being packaged with its sequel in one convenient volume, the End of Forever!:



Listen, people, my posts are long enough as it is; I'll recap the second book later. Hopefully you can hold your horses in the meantime. Also, this cover makes the book like a normal modern YA book. Like, I'd pick this up, right? I mean, if not for the glaring LURLENE McDANIEL branding across the top.

This is another book I read as a kid, and I remember liking it, though not as much as all the cancer books. To be fair, I'm not sure there's anything I liked more back then than a good cancer book. Coma books hardly stood a chance!

Oops, did I spoil this one for you? Well, here's what the publisher wants to tell you about it:

The celebration isn't supposed to end in tragedy. The night of their high-school drama group's cast party starts out as fun for sisters Amy and Erin.

Their lives come crashing down when Amy takes the car to get more food and has a horrible accident. Erin and her family pray for Amy to awaken from her coma. But as the monitor bleeps and the respirator hisses, Amy lies somewhere between life and death.

Erin and her parents must find the courage to accept the fact that Amy's life-support system will never bring her back. When she dies, can the family give some meaning to her senseless death? Can Amy's dying become the hope for someone else's living?

It is kind of creepy reading a book about a girl with your name who's in a freaking coma!... especially because I was totally that kid who read about a disease/condition and was convinced I had it too. That said, there's not much danger of fearing you're in a coma when you're actually not, so this book was fairly safe.

(Other safe books include those about kids BORN with conditions! Though sometimes, to be honest, I'd worry maybe doctors had just missed my lifelong condition for thirteen years. YOU NEVER KNOW.)

Anyways, of course since this book features siblings, protagonist Erin and her younger sister Amy, we're treated to all the deets of their oppositeness:

Amy flounced on the bed, sending pillows and clothes flying. "One of us is neat and orderly, and one of us isn't." She smiled innocently.

"It's nothing to brag about, you know."

Amy jumped off the bed and hauled Erin next to her in the mirror. "Look at us, Erin. You're tall, blonde, and graceful, and I'm--well--short, round, and fully packed." [FULLY PACKED??? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?] She patted her hips. [OH MY GOD THAT ISN'T HELPING MATTERS.]

Erin tried not to smile. "What's your point?"

"We're different, that's all. You got the looks, talent, and brains, and I got"--Amy tousled her shoulder-length curly dark hair--"dandruff." [EW GROSS AMY.]

Obviously, this is literature of subtlety. Also I'm surprised Amy didn't mention she looks like a floating dollhead. Oh, wait, is that just post-coma? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So Erin is a dancer and Amy is an actress (if Lurlene was really going for the polar opposites thing, I would have thought she'd make Erin an aspiring accountant or something, but I guess that'd eff up a bunch of plot points). Amy also volunteers as a clown to cheer up sick kids, and she has a superfantastically hot boyfriend who Erin secretly lusts after. We're probably supposed to help Erin serve some haterade to Amy, because she's too loud and never on time and always blowing off her responsibilities, but, honestly, she sounds like a freaking blast. (Or maybe I'm just showing solidarity with curvy girls named Amy who are way too loud and rarely on time for work.)

So Amy and Erin are working on this performance piece where Amy monologues, Erin dances, and Erin's BFF Shara sings. I don't quite get it, but I have a marketing degree, so take that as you will. Whatever, the whole point is these ladies are all super at what they do! Good work, ladies. I am not good at ANY of those things (okay, I can rock a badass karaoke, but let's be realistic here) so of course I totes envy them. Don't we all!

The performance is a big freaking smash hit (isn't that always the way? smash hit or disaster, nothing in between) and everyone parties it up at the cast party afterwards. WITH SODAS YOU GUYS NOT BEERS THESE ARE GOOD KIDS. They party it up SO MUCH that they RUN OUT of soda OH NOES. Erin is all set to go out and get more, but Amy, who JUST GOT HER LICENSE, begggggggs to go.

Do you guys remember those days? Man, back when I was sixteen, there was nothing I didn't want to drive to. You could have said "Hey, Ames, there's a big line of killer bees flying up from Mexico" and I would have DRIVEN TO THEM because HELLO I just got my license! And nowadays I do things like calling for delivery because driving five minutes to pick up a burger is waaaaay too much work.

Anyways, Erin's all MISS RESPONSIBLE and doesn't see why Amy should go, because:

1. It's Erin's car.
2. It's RAINING out.
3. Amy is NOT an experienced driver.
4. Erin is a big ol' stick in the mud who doesn't want anyone else doing ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE FUN FOR THEM.

But finally, as always, Erin relents, and Amy is off on her merry way to get more soda. YAY SODA! You guys, you know I'm getting old and lame, because sometimes all I really do want at a party is a nice can of soda.

The party, uh, rages on into the night, and guess who shows up? AMY'S HOT BOYFRIEND. Apparently he was just going to pick her up awhile into the party; Erin is soooo pissed about this. Listen, Erin, if you had the option of being the last one to leave a party or cuttin' loose with the hottest boy in school, what would you do? Also, I'm sorry, I hate staying for a whole party. Get there, hang out for awhile, mingle, LEAVE. Geez, Erin, this is not awful of Amy.

Amy doesn't return in a timely manner though! YOU GUYS I SAW THE COVER OF THE BOOK SO I'M THINKING THINGS AREN'T GONNA TURN OUT WELL. Of course no one worries at first because, c'mon, it's Amy, she's never on time. But the time ticks by, and people get a little panicky. AND THEY SHOULD BECAUSE:

A blast of wind and rain blew in with a short, plump woman. [Uh, that's basically the best sentence I've read in forever. I wish every time I entered a room that I'd bring in a blast of wind and rain. Could that be my superpower? AWESOME.]

Erin blinked. "Inez!" she cried, recognizing her mother's sales assistant from the boutique. [Oh, yeah, Erin and Amy's mom owns a clothing boutique; this is more important in the next book. I'm glad she has a full-time job though! Of course, it's a total LADY job. Whatever. This is an improvement.] "What are you doing here?"

Inez wrung her hands and grabbed Erin by the forearms. She was crying. "Erin, there's been an accident."

"Mom and Dad?" Erin almost gagged. ["Gagged"? That is a weird-ass reaction. Also, hello, Erin, at this point haven't you been freaking out about, let's see, A) the weather, B) Amy's lack of driving experience, and C) the fact that Amy's been gone forfuckingever at this point? And yet you think this is about YOUR PARENTS?]

"They're at County's emergency room. It's Amy, Erin. Amy's been in a terrible wreck."

So things really don't look good for Amy. This book isn't too big on the medical fetishism but they do explain the Glasgow test, which is how they measure status in coma patients:

"What's a Glasgow test?"

Ellie showed Erin the paper with numbers neatly written in small boxes. "It's a standard for measuring a comatose patient's progress."

"Progress? But she never moves."

Ellie smiled. "Let me explain. We take temperature, pulse, and blood pressure. We check respiration -- in Amy's case she's on a ventilator -- and we do a few neurological tests and grade her on a scale."

"Like what?"

"For instance, we chart whether or not her eyes open. 'Spontaneously' equals a four, while 'none' equals a one." Ellie pointed to the bottom of the chart where the criteria was printed. "On 'Verbal Response' -- you know, whether she reacts when you talk to her -- there's a scale of one to five, with five being 'oriented' and meaning fully conscious, and one meaning 'no response'. For 'Motor Response' a five means she 'obeys commands', and a one means 'no response'."

Oh, man, that is the Lurlene McDaniel I loved! MY MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY, LET ME SHOW YOU IT. Always a relief to get some hardcore medical textbook info out of a young adult novel. Hello, why else did I read these back then?

(Sadly, I am not really kidding.)

So it goes on for a bit with Amy still in the coma, and Erin hanging around the hospital just, ya know, waaaaaaaiting. For anyone who's ever had a family member in the hospital, this part is actually pretty realistic; there's more waiting and stressing and worrying and hoping and bargaining than actual, you know, medical stuff.

But, of course, while waiting in the ICU waiting room Erin has this AMAZING encounter!:

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you," the girl said. "I'm Beth Clark, and I saw you come in the other night."

Erin mumbled a self-conscious greeting and wished Beth would go away.

"Why are you here?" Beth asked.

Erin told her then realized that it was only fair to ask, "And why are you here?"

Beth stared off in the distance. "It's my mother." Her gaze found Erin's again. "She's dying, and her only hope is if somebody else dies before she does."

That is the CHAPTER END PEOPLE. How amazing is that?

In case you were thinking Beth's mom's life depends on murder or something, it turns out she actually just needs a kidney transplant. That makes more sense, though it's less interesting. Wait, is this FORESHADOWING???

So Travis, the hot boyfriend, stops by to see Amy but of course, being a normal kid, freaks out a bit and can't take it. He runs off and won't return. Erin is pisssssssssed. The thing is, I'm with both of them. I doubt that in high school I would have handled this particularly well, but in Erin's shoes I wouldn't have thought well of Travis at all. Yeah, realism again! This book is actually decent with that.

So Amy had a clown gig scheduled to cheer up sick kids, and Erin decides to be a good sister and follow through with it. Of course she doesn't know what she's doing, but she gets dressed in Amy's clown clothes and clown makeup and shows up. There she meets a dude clown named David (this is SUPER IMPORTANT FOR NEXT TIME GUYS REMEMBER THIS) and they do a great job!!! The clown stuff is kind of cringe-worthy-cheesy, but only because I always think that of clown stuff. I mean, is there an adult who doesn't? Whatever, it's cute, Erin's out of her comfort zone for a good reason, and David is sweet and good with kids, two qualities I tend to like in boys.

Amy is getting worse, not better, and everyone's pretty mopey about it. I don't blame them! It totally sucks. But Beth's mom lucks out because SOMEONE DIES so she gets a kidney AW YEAH. But that is the ONLY good news in the Lurleneverse. An organ donation organization rep shows up to talk to Erin and fam about taking Amy off of life support and donating her organs.

Guess who's not cool with this?

"Retrieve?" Erin said the word bitterly. "Is that what you call killing somebody so you can take their organs?"

I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I get the whole point of having Beth in the book is so Erin learns how freaking AWESOME organ donation is. So how realistic is it that now she's all "OH HELLLLL NO THAT'S DISGUSTING YOU BEASTS"? Then again, I give her some leeway because she is really just now really understanding that Amy isn't coming back, isn't getting better, isn't doing anything but lying there hooked up to machines forever. I guess I just wish Lurlene would have dwelt more on the "I THINK AMY IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE FINE" aspect than "YOU AWWWWWFUL BODY-SNATCHERS!!!!!" because I don't think it fits with what the book's been leading up to.

On top of all this, Erin discovers hot Travis is taking ANOTHER GIRL to the big dance. Ugghhhh, this kind of makes me hate on you, Travis, even though I totes get it. If you're ready to move on, great, but maybe not so publicly?

Erin handles it reaaaally badly:

While she waited, she carefully plotted her strategy. Travis lived in a fine old house on Bayshore Drive. When he pulled into his driveway, she'd call to him and make him cross to the bay side of the street, where she'd confront him. They'd be alone, and she'd say everything that was on her mind. He was a louse and a creep, and she'd make him pay for abandoning Amy.

When his headlights turned into the driveway, her mouth went dry, but the hard, cold knot of anger gave her the courage to call to him. Travis hesitated, so she called again, then watched as he jogged hesitantly across the deserted avenue.

"Erin?" he asked, coming closer. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Now? It's one in the morning. How long have you been waiting?"

"Never mind. Did you have a good time at the dance?" Her question was laced with acid.

. . .

"You don't know, do you? If you'd been up to see her, you'd know that yesterday they declared her brain dead."

For an instant he looked as if he might be sick, and Erin stepped back, rubbing her arms and feeling confused. It was the reaction she'd wanted, wasn't it? Hadn't she come to hurt him? He said, "I--I didn't know."

"Well, with your big date with Cindy and all, I can see how it might have slipped by you." She reached inside her jacket and extracted the teddy bear [he'd given Amy previously]. "Here's a little something I thought you'd like to have back," she said, holding the bear toward him. "Maybe Cindy would want it."

Travis knocked the bear from her hand, then turned and braced his hands on the cement railing. "You've got a mean mouth, Erin." [OH MY GOD A MEAN MOUTH I TOTALLY WANT TO SAY THIS TO SOMEONE NOW! Okay, let's be honest: I want someone to say this to me. New goal, yay!]

She wanted to leave him alone to think about how he'd wronged her sister, but her feet suddenly felt like lead weights. "I told them that they weren't going to cut up my sister and give her away. I said that I didn't care what their stupid tests showed, I wasn't giving up on my sister." She paused. "Like some people have."

The thing is, this is totally the kind of crazy-ass mentally-unhinged thing I would do. OH MY GOD DID I JUST RELATE TO A LURLENE McDANIEL CHARACTER?

Luckily at this point Erin's parents help her to realize what's going on with Amy, for real, and they come to the mutual decision to remove Amy from life support and donate her organs. There's a nice memorial ceremony for Amy, and everyone's as peaceful as they could be about it.

And while I'd hardly call this a literary wonder, I must say that I didn't hate this book. It's sort of boring in stretches, and the dialogue makes me criiiiiiiiinge, but I related to both Amy AND Erin, and no one suggested anything like WELL MAYBE IF AMY AND ERIN'S MOM DIDN'T HAVE A JOB AMY WOULD NEVER HAVE DIIIIIED, and when the protagonist is being a brat, she's called out on it and learns her lesson. I can't believe I'm saying this but... thumbs up?