They Call Him Mellow Yellow, or One Last Wish: Let Him Live

Continuing in this One Last Wish vein, let us take a fond look at One Last Wish: Let Him Live (1993). I can't promise it will be any more exciting than our last journeys through the wondrous land where dying or totally didn't die after all kids get a shit-ton of money, but - regardless - onward ho!

If you want to know what this book is about, too bad. Amazon or the publishers couldn't invest that kind of effort:

A candy striper helps a 17-year-old boy deal with his uncertain future as he awaits a liver transplant. Together, they use his "One Last Wish" money to build a center for terminally ill kids.

Wow, way to be vague AND spoil the ending at once. I had no idea that was even possible!

(Also that's not even frigging accurate!)

The copy I used to own (OK how horrifying is that? At the beginning of 1993 I was FIFTEEN PEOPLE FIFTEEN WHAT THE HELLY HELL) looked like this:


Sorry it's so small, that's literally the only picture of it I could find. I could hardly even find any images of the new cover, so aparently this is like the least popular One Last Wish book ever. I don't like the sound of that!

Anyways, it looks like this now:


Uhhh why does he look all rednecky now?

So the book starts out with our fair heroine Meg and her red convertible. I know Meg is probably going to have some snotty attitude problems (or her parents will) due to this selection of car. Only arrogant rich assholes drive red convertibles, after all, in the Lurleneverse. Luckily this is not true in the real world or I would miss my little car so frigging badly.

(I love thinking about the character assassination Lurlene would do of me based on my car, my location, and my dress size. Then again I have this running joke that because I once almost hit Aaron Sorkin with my car (his fault, jaywalker!) that if I'd succeeded there would have been a whole plotline in Studio 60 where, who knows, some Diablo-Cody-looking girl named, I dunno, JAMES would have run over Matthew Perry and been a royal dumbass bitch about the entire thing. Also he would have worked in some way I am morally flawed, like, dude, Aaron, I KNOW. GOD I HATED THAT SHOW.)

So Meg is all ready to volunteer as a candy striper at the hospital where her dad is some great doctor. I'm glad I never had to volunteer at the lumber company where my dad was some great salesdude. Anyways, it's not Meg's idea, but her therapist, who thinks it'll help Meg with her grief over her BFF Cindy's death in a car accident. If one of my BFFs died in a car accident I don't think I'd want to hang out in a hospital to get over it but that's just me!

So Meg's dad is giving the welcome speech to the new candy stripers, which is not exactly how I think top docs spend their time (more like breaking their penises in supply closets or whatever) and he says that volunteers like them and "[their] faithful Pink Ladies" are vital to the welfare of their patients. OMG now I totally want to go to this hospital!

A tall, slim girl named Alana Humphries introduces herself to Meg. I like that Lurlene doesn't shoehorn it in immediately that Alana's black, or make her talk like she's mentally disabled. Meg and Alana chat about both being assigned to pediatrics while eating powdered sugar donuts. NOOOOOOOOOO! Anyway, Alana, whose name I keep typing as "Alma" so WTF is up with that?, thinks Meg's dad is the most wonderful man in the world because he put Alana's brother Lonnie in the hospital's transplant program to get a donor kidney.

Alana is surprised Meg's not all doctory herself:

"You're kidding? I thought medicine would be in your blood."

"I prefer doughnuts [this is how it's spelled, I myself prefer the spelling "donuts" but considering that I just spelled "myself" as "mighself" I'm not sure I should make any judgment calls!] in my blood."

Alana giggled. "Honestly, girl, you're such a comedian."

Honestly, girl, you need to get out more.

So they're checking out the pediatric floor when a boy shouts "Get out of the way. You're in the middle of the drag strip!" because apparently we're in the 1950s?


And just because I found this picture while searching:


Anyways the boy who shouts this is of course a hottie because this is the Lurleneverse. He's playing with some little kid named Mark, which is the most popular name in my entire family. Fifty percent of my immediate family is named this, and I am not kidding or exaggerating!

Speaking of names, the hottie is named Donovan Jacoby because apparently his parents watched too many soap operas or something. Meg notices that besides possessing The Hot he's all yellow-tinged and stooped. She's all, maybe you should get back to bed, when he says something incredibly disturbing:

"That's where I'm supposed to be, but it's pretty boring in my room. I was walking the hall looking for action when I saw Mark."

WHAT!

Despite this creepy utterance, Meg goes to Donovan's room to hang out with him. She learns Donavan's mom and six-year-old brother Brett moved here to Washington, DC so he could be at a good hospital. Meg reveals her dad is never home but then laughs and is all HA HA JUST KIDDING I MEAN HE'S AWESOME.

Meg checks in at the nurses' station, where an older nurse tells Meg this about Donovan:

"He's one nice kid. Has a friendly word for everybody and a special affinity for the smaller kids."

GROSSSSSSSSSSS!

At the end of the day Meg talks to her dad, who says Donovan's sick and "has less than six months to live". HEY LURLENE SINCE THIS BOOK ACTUALLY SAYS IT WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL THIS ONE THAT HUH?

OK so I was just about to make a joke about, "What did Meg just think Donovan was just a big fan of Coldplay and that explains his color?" BUT THEN IT HIT ME that the guy who sang that "Mellow Yellow" song in the '60s was named DONOVAN OMG this is amazing! I really hope Lurlene subconsciously named a jaundice sufferer after this song:



Anyways, obviously Donovan is all mellow yellow, not because he's just mad about saffron, but because he needs a liver transplant! Oh noes!

The next day Meg meets Donovan's mom and brother Brett. Brett's all "yeah he said you were pretty" because little kids will repeat anything. This is exactly why I don't tell little kids the people I'd like to jump. Later in the day Meg takes Donovan outside in a wheelchair where they talk about boring stuff, mostly that Donovan's all I RUINED EVERYTHING BY GETTING SICK and Meg thinks of how her dad says Donovan doesn't realize he's dying, which means Donovan's a frigging idiot because how else does he think he got on that transplant list? For funsies?

Meg offers to bring Donovan a pizza from the outside world, and he's fine with that because the doctors would be happy for him to gain weight. Meg's all WELL YOU CAN HAVE SOME OF MINE and he's all WAIT YOU LOOK FINE but apparently Meg has always struggled with her weight WAIT A MINUTE THERE IS AN OVERWEIGHT BUT CUTE AND BOY-WORTHY GIRL IN THE LURLENEVERSE WHAAAAAAAAAT!

Anyways so Meg comes to the hospital on her day off, and Donovan's all OMG I MUST GO OUTSIDE NOW and he's clutching some shaving kit like a freak. He even 'fesses up to freakish behaviour, to which Meg says:

"Not at all. How exciting can games and a video movie be to a guy who has a death grip on his shaving kit?"

YOU GUYS. A VIDEO MOVIE WHAT.

Sadly there is nothing that exciting in his shaving kit, just the OLW letter (you can read it in this entry if you so desire). Donovan is all secretive because he thinks if the hospital knows about the check he can't get care for charity anymore. Honestly, that is one of the first logical concerns a character in the Lurleneverse has ever had.

Meg does some more whining to herself about her dad's work schedule, and I'm just happy for once a protag bitches about her dad's career and not her mom's!

This is really boring, but it plays into the plot later, so I should tell you there's all this talk about poor Donovan's mom and Brett having to commute so far on the bus to see Donovan at the hospital, and whyyyy ohhh whyyyy isn't there a nearby place for families to stay??? OK, I fulfilled this obligation. Meg tells her dad, and he tells her to figure something out, so Meg pleads her case in front of her mom's Junior League.

Meg takes Donovan to visit his mom and Brett at their shitty apartment where it's only decorated with "meager possessions" and you can hear babies crying, and the meal is "simple but tasty", like, seriously, Lurlene, have you ever BEEN to an apartment? I have been to plenty of houses shittier than my apartment! Anyways, when she gets home and goes to sleep, she's woken up by her dad because there's an accident victim at the hospital who's a match for Donovan. The damn victim isn't dead yet though! They rush to the hospital! The kid DOES die, but the parents won't donate his organs. PEOPLE COME ON! I guess this is something I just don't understand. There are few good things that can come out of a kid dying, but organ donation is one. People, do it!

The only good news is apparently the Junior League does want to help build a house for patients' families to stay at. Hey, is this like the Ronald McDonald House? It's got to be better inherently since it's not sponsored by a clown, nor will its logo likely be a touching clown hand.


Anyways, the venture is gonna cost $2 million, so everyone's doing their best to come up with fundraising ideas. At the same time, Meg is also - at Donovan's request - trying to buy a house for his mom and Brett to be purchased with the OLW money, so they can live closer to the hospital. They find a lovely Victorian house, and Donovan puts down a down payment immediately.

The Junior League holds a moonlight cruise to raise money, and Donovan and Meg go together and end up kissing. The Lurleneverse is like the best place to find a hottie, though to be fair they're usually at death's door.

So Donovan gives the house to his mom, and of course she's thrilled. Too bad later the same day he's brought into the hospital unconcscious!! Ruh roh, Donovan! His kidneys are failing now, and we all know what multi-organ failure means, right? (Man I watch too many medical shows.) Goodbye, mellow yellow one.

FLASH FORWARD! What do you guys think happened? Of course Donovan's mom donated the house, and families can stay there now! WOO! Also now Meg wants to be a doctor. AWESOME.

This book wasn't exactly thrilling, but it was also not offensive in any way. Small victories, people, small victories.

Ames reads, Ames snores, or One Last Wish: Someone Dies, Someone Lives

I hope you fine folks are in the mood for some boring, because boring is what I bring you! Like OLW: Mourning Song, OLW: Someone Dies, Someone Lives (1992) could function both as a doorstop AND a sleep aid. Oh, and a book too.

Let's get on with it!

You ask: WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

I say: LET ME SHOW YOU IT!


I love how Katie's all "WHAT?" Also that is a daring neckline for someone post-HEART TRANSPLANT.

Oh but look at me, getting ahead of myself.

The book USED to look like this. My copy still does.



I find the shape of Josh's body very strange. Look how it goes straight down and all out to the side, with no waist at all. WTF. His shirt is also bizarrely large, and his shorts seem to be hovering in front of him. Honestly the whole thing looks like he's standing behind a cardboard cutout of clothes, and not wearing clothes at all. WTF. I remembered this really bothered me as a kid. Clearly it still bothers me now!

Would you like to know what it's about? I can help you there too!

You don't know me, but I know about you. . . . I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

Katie O'Roark feels miserable, even though she knows she's incredibly lucky to have received an anonymous gift. Still, the money can't but her a new heart or bring her back to her track-star days. When a donor is found with a compatible heart, Katie undergoes transplant surgery. While recuperating, she meets Josh Martel and senses an immediate connection. When Katie decides to start training to attain her dream of running again, Josh helps her meet the difficult challenge.

Will Katie find the strength physically and emotionally to live to become a winner again?

I DON'T KNOW. WILL SHE?

Hey, you guys. Are we alone? Do you promise not to tell anyone? I have a secret. Like FOR MANY YEARS there's this dude character who has shown up in many of the projects I've worked on. I know other writers who do this too. Anyways, I think he's finally found a place, so, whatever, dude, if I ever finish that book you will be freed! My point is, though, that this dude's name has always been JOSH MARTEL and I had no idea where I got that, but I don't know where I get MOST of my names (except for the ones I name after specific people) so I never thought much of it... until I picked up this book. Yes, my friends, I stole a name from LURLENE McDANIEL and just KEPT GOING. I guess when I read this at fourteen I was blown away by him or something.

This is almost as bad as the time I realized I'd ripped off dialogue from Chicago Hope.

So the book opens with the One Last Wish letter (you can look it up here if you want to read it) to Katie, a former track star, sick at home because she has cardiomyopathy and needs a heart transplant. I learned about that initially not from Chicago Hope mind you but from Ann M. Martin's With You and Without You which is a book I thought was really stellar as a kid but I wasn't so crazy about during my adult reread. Hmmm, what does THAT remind me of? At least there wasn't a metric shit-ton of judgeypants in Martin's book.

Anyways, Katie is dying, basically. This makes everyone sad! Her friend Melody might need to cool it on the histrionics though:

"I just can't believe this is happening to you," Melody wailed. "How will the track team manage without you next spring?"

Way to keep your eye on priorities, Melody! If Katie died that would probably throw off your whole effing season, huh?

So abruptly we meet the aforementioned Josh Martel and his Gramps who I will picture as Wilf from Series 4 of Doctor Who because there is no finer Gramps in the land!



They're going to see Josh's brother Aaron play in a U of Michigan football game. Apparently their mascot is the Wolverine:


We learn through a bunch of heavy-handed exposition that Josh and Aaron's parents are terrible, so when Aaron got into college in Ann Arbor, Josh came with him and moved in with nearby Gramps. Uh, if your parents are that bad, shouldn't you have done this a little sooner?

So the football game is all footbally, and then Aaron just totes FALLS OVER AND COLLAPSES. PEOPLE FREAK! CHAOS! Well, not really. He just gets taken to the hospital. Josh and Gramps go too.

Like previous doctors in the Lurleneverse, Aaron's displays a real rapport with people:

"What's wrong? How's Aaron?"

Dr. Wright put his hand on Josh's shoulder. "Your brother's dead, son."

So you guys TOTALLY know what's gonna happen, right?

CUT TO: Katie's special transplant beeper goes off. Heart time! HEY YOU GUYS I WONDER WHERE THAT HEART IS FROM DON'T YOU.

So Katie gets the transplant and survives! Hurrah! She's immediately all WHEN DO I GET TO RUN AGAIN? which, um, would not exactly be my number one concern, lady. I mean, I guess it's hard to empathize when your major passion in life would lead you to be more like HEY WHEN CAN I SIT ON MY ASS AND MARATHON A LOT OF TELEVISION AGAIN and then they'd say LIKE NOW and you'd be all OMG GOOD BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT TO CATCH UP ON.

Josh is having some issues dealing with his brother's death, which is totally normal and all! Gramps isn't gonna stand for moping around, though. He tells Josh he'd better get to living!



So Katie's dad is a sports columnist, but he also uses his column to talk about Katie all the time. Man, I hate that crap. A personal blog is one thing but I totally had to unsubscribe from some media newsletter because this dude only talked about his daughter and his fiancee and ugghhhh I don't care, dude. Anyway, he's all waxing rhapsodic about this nameless donor who gave a heart to beloved little Katie, and Josh reads the column and is all OMGGGGGG THAT IS MY BROTHER'S HEART! To be fair I would totes react the same way.

So Katie is well enough to call her BFF Melody:

The moment she said hello, Melody burst into tears. "I can't believe it's you."

Man, Melody is UNHINGED. Someone get that girl some help.

So Josh goes to the hospital to try to see Katie, but she isn't allowed visitors yet. CREEPY STALKING!

Katie meets with her physical therapist Barry. She hits him up for permission to run, and he says he won't talk her out of it. He tells her about the Transplant Olympics, which makes her think he's making some sort of Special Olympics joke, but - just like the Special Olympics - the Transplant Olympics are real! This year (the book's year, not our real life year) they are held in L.A. on the UCLA campus. Oh good, the Westside again!

Katie's mom is all OH HELL NO YOU ARE NOT RUNNING OR COMPETING OR ANYTHING ALSO THAT IS EXPENSIVE. Katie brings up her OLW money but apparently the money was just an excuse for Katie not to get to run. I think if I had a kid who'd just had a heart transplant I would also likely vote for NO RUNNING OR FUN too. During this fight Katie gets a headache, which in most lands would just mean, uh, yelling and getting yelled at makes your head hurt. However, this is the Lurleneverse which means REJECTION!!!!

So Josh is still all Mopey McGee. While I love Gramps (or at least the version of him I've invented) I don't know why he's all CHEER THE EFF UP SON because I don't even LIKE my brother very much and I would be depressed for years if he died! Anyways, Josh thinks he's got a solution to become happy again!:

He could touch Katie O'Roark before she died. Not in a secondhand way, as he'd been doing so far [WHAT DOES THAT MEAN], but in the flesh, with his own hands.

I know it's tough because there are so many options, but this might just be the creepiest thing expressed thus far in the Lurleneverse. What do you guys think?

OK so creepy as all hell Josh goes to the hospital and tells a nurse he's doing a report on the ICU and has to go in. SO SHE'S JUST LIKE OK THAT'S FINE. This nurse is so shitty with rules and regulations she must have just left Seattle Grace or something. When Idiot Nurse sees Josh all starey-eyed at Katie, she's all I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO THAT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND HUH and he's all OH YEAH. Cahhhreeeeeeepy.

Katie's all drugged up and rejectiony but she sees Josh. However she thinks he's a dream or a vision or some kind of acid trip instead of the stalkery effed up freako he actually is. However, she does get better.

At least, she could have visitors--Melody had been the first. She'd come the night before and cried the whole time she visited.

"I can't believe you're actually all right," Melody had said between sobs. "I never thought I was going to see you again. First you were sick, then dying, then the operation... and now... now you're alive and beautiful. Oh, Katie, it's a miracle!"

Oh, Melody, it's a miracle you haven't offed yourself yet! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

So Katie's milling about the hospital and sees Josh, the man of her dreams the stalkery boy! They just happen to go to the same school, OF COURSE. Also Katie thinks she's hot! Also Josh is totally YOU'VE GOT MY DEAD BROTHER'S HEART so Katie lets him listen to it and he actually says "Hey, bro."

Katie continues to improve and is finally sent home! On the way out, her physical therapist Barry "offers up the Vulcan peace sign, '"Live long and prosper."'" I know that punctuation is effing nuts but that's Lurlene's fault and not mine.

So Katie tells Melody she's going to run again. Melody reacts predictably:

Melody drew back, her eyes wide. "Are you serious? How can you?"

Katie overhears her parents fighting because her mom is overprotective and her dad, well, isn't. I wish there was a mom in the Lurleneverse who wasn't a wench in one way or another! Also, I'm sorry, KATIE JUST HAD A FUCKING HEART TRANSPLANT. I understand quality of life but I hardly think worrying someone shouldn't run track and field actually qualifies someone for wenchiness.

Katie decides because of this, she will train in secret for the Transplant Olympics. If I had a health issue that might kill me, I doubt I would partake in activity that would be extremely risky IN SECRECY. Katie claims she is following the diet and exercise program laid out for her by Spock Barry, so, who knows. I am totally on your side, Katie's mom!

So Katie has her next checkup and everything's perfect! Of course it is. Katie brings up the Transplant Olympics and the doctor gets all P.R.ish about them in front of Katie's mom, who is furious. The fight continues at home, where Katie reveals she will use some of the OLW money for everyone to go. Katie's mom is like, hey, what about all your medical bills, do you know it will cost your dad and I $10k a year to keep you alive? which is, like, the meanest fucking thing a parent can say to their kid WHO ALMOST DIED. She apologizes, but HOLY FUCK. I totally want to call my mom and hug her right now. Katie's mom, we are no longer on good terms.

So Katie's mom realizes the error of her ways and says, yes, Katie can use the money for the Transplant Games. She wants it to be her, her parents, Josh, and Gramps. (Later on she mentions Melody too but apparently Melody couldn't go. I assume it's because she's busy stocking up on Kleenex and albums by Morrissey.) Within this exchange Katie makes a joke about "Siamese twins" like UM the correct term has been conjoined for awhile, Lurlene!

So Katie, her parents, and Josh all go to L.A. While there Katie and Josh hang out a lot OH YOUNG LOVE and Josh mentions Katie's determination to make all of this happen.

"Daddy says it's nothing but Irish bullheadedness and that it's a very unfeminine trait." She tipped her chin upward and grinned. "Maybe he's right."

WTF! Her dad who is proud of having a jock for a daughter is suddenly a sexist jackhole? GREAT. Katie is the only semi-sane and -tolerable one in the whole family.

So there's a FIESTA! which everyone totally treats like some prom, and by everyone I mean Josh and Katie, and the parents, who are all slow-dancey and lovey-dovey. Katie and Josh sneak off so they can talk about Josh's wrecked homelife and youth, because that's what all kids do when they have time to themselves after a dance!

"Both my parents are alcoholics." He took a long, shuddering breath. "Pop beat up on Mom all the time."

Horrified, Katie asked, "You and Aaron too?"

"No--just her. Over the years I lost all respect for her because she wouldn't leave him, not even now, when she can."

Uh, Josh, way to take too lightly what abusive relationships are actually like, how they involve emotional/mental abuse and not just physical, how women may not have the resources to strike out on their own, and if their children are not being abused how they may believe their abusive partner's income makes the kids' lives better than if they took off without enough money. I definitely think the blaming of A BEATEN WOMAN is the grossest thing I've seen in any of these books, except for perhaps all that crotch-tightening talk. No. It's worse. Geez, Lurlene. WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?

Of course there's a race, and of course even though there are seasoned adult athletes, Katie wins and catches the eye of some college track dude (you know, as a potential student, not like in a pervy way). Hurrah! When Katie gets home, to thank Josh for giving her a heart-shaped locket (uh, weird) she makes him a scrapbook all about Aaron, which is actually quite a thoughtful gift. When Katie asks if he likes it:

To answer her, he put the book aside, took her in his arms, and kissed her with all the feeling he had stored up and locked away in his heart throughout his lifetime.

WHAAAAT! Please, dudes, don't ever try to kiss me with all of your repressed memories!

So I totally thought the book was basically OVER but this is the Lurleneverse, so Katie gets the flu which is SUPER BAD (not SUPERBAD) because of all the immune suppressants she's on because of the transplant. She is TOTALLY DYING! But then Josh goes outside and sees a plant fighting for life, and just knows that since that plant can make it, so can Katie. He goes inside and tells Katie's parents this. THEN THE BOOK ENDS.

WHAT THE HELL FREAKY WEIRD DUMBASS BORING CLIFFHANGER BOOK.

I think Josh pops up in one of those later OLW books so PERHAPS WE WILL FIND OUT. Geez, guys, I apologize for the utter lameness of this book. I only hope my next escapade will bring us more excitement and adventure.

Boring zzzzzzsong, or One Last Wish: Mourning Song

Let's turn our attention to one of the earlier books in the One Last Wish series, Mourning Song (published 1992). I totally read this one, and since I don't have any memories of it, I'm assuming even then I found it a little bit as boring as I did this time around. Oh my god, you guys, this was like Dawn Rochelle-level boring with even more BORING!

Here's the new/current cover:


Uhhhh why are the girls Photoshopped on top of each other, all... magically? It's creepy! I don't understand; if there isn't room to show both of them, maybe they don't need to be SO LARGE or maybe one could stand in front. Maybe this book is about the disease of invisibility? Or teleporting? Beam me up, Lurlene. STUPID COVER.

I can't find a picture of the edition I have, but it's boring so you guys will live, trust me. By the way, I have lived in my house for over a year and a half, and I still can't find the cable that connects my scanner to my computer. Maybe if I move again it'll show up! That said, you guys really aren't missing anything, believe you me.

Oh, so what's this one about? LET ME TELL YOU IT:

You don't know me, but I know about you.... I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

It's been months since Dani Vanoy's older sister Cassie has been diagnosed as having a brain tumor. And now the treatments aren't helping. Dani is furious that she is powerless to help her sister, and she can't even convince her mother to take the girls on the trip to Florida that Cassie has always longed for. Then Cassie receives an anonymous letter and check. Dani knows she can never make Cassie well, but against all odds she dares to make Cassie's dream come true.

Oh, yeah, rare, but in this book, our protag is not the dying girl. CRAZINESS. Can you guys cope? Let's hold onto each other and get through it TOGETHER.

So like the synopsis said, Dani's sister Cassie has a brain tumor and isn't getting better. In fact, she's dying, but their mom doesn't want her to know. WTF! Stupid parenting. By the way, because I haven't yet detailed enough of my childhood issues to you guys, I read enough books like this when I was little to sometimes wonder if I had a bad disease and my parents just weren't telling me. Considering I just had a normal amount of checkups and other doctor appointments, I'm not sure how I even though this was possible. Such was the depth of my illness fixation though. I guess I can thank Lurlene for this one too. Dear Lurlene, please provide me an address so I can forward you my therapy bills.

Also, Cassie's doctor is their mom's boyfriend from college (their policeman dad was killed in the line of duty when the girls were little), which, uh, is that really okay? They are totally OBVIOUSLY dating again. I don't think that's exactly ethical. New doctor!

The unethical doc tells them, in terms of treatment:

"At the very best, all we can do is retard the tumor's growth."

There's gotta be a better way to say that.

Cassie is all depressed because she missed her senior trip to Florida, being busy dying of a brain tumor and all. She is super into the ocean! She makes Dani watch some boring nature special on TV about loggerhead turtles. I can't mock because I'm always watching random educational programming on TV; isn't that the point of having cable? I mean, obviously, besides America's Next Top Model marathons?

At school Dani's all depressed, but gets cheered up by her hot friend Austin. I wish that had happened whenever I'd gotten depressed at school! I didn't even HAVE a hot friend Austin!

Back at the hospital, Cassie asks Dani if she wants to know a secret, and of course she does! Who among us can resist the allure of a good secret? Anyways, obviously you've seen the title of the book, so you should know the secret is the One Last Wish letter (you can go to this recap to read all of it). Cassie isn't sure yet what she wants to do with it.

Dani suggests to her mom that the three of them go to Florida because it's one of Cassie's dreams, and obviously Cassie doesn't have a lot of time left for fulfilling dreams. Wow, I bet you guys are really wondering what on earth that money's gonna get spent on! Her mom says no, that Cassie needs to stay in the hospital and get all the treatments she can. I can't necessarily say I'd disagree in her shoes; you'd probably feel like your kid would be the one to beat the odds (or get fondled by some magic angel).

Dani plots out a plan to take Cassie to Florida, and enlists Austin to help. Obviously they have to sneak Cassie out of the hospital to make this happen. I don't know how I feel about this. Like, yeah, Cassie is dying, and their mom is being really hard-headed about this, but, uh, if she'd come clean to Cassie about the fact that she's dying and then let Cassie make this choice, it would be best. Cassie getting taken from the hospital without any care on the way there and while there isn't exactly genius planning! Everyone in this book is pretty dumb, honestly. I know, you guys are shocked!

So they sneak Cassie out and begin the drive down. They have to do crazy stuff like drive by night and camp by day so that they won't get followed or whatever. I can't believe stuff like this happens in the book and yet it is still so mindnumbingly boring. Even when Austin finds out the police are looking for them, I'm not interested.

During the drive, obviously Dani and Austin have lots of time to talk. He admits that because he's a minister's son, kids can treat him differently, and he hates that.

"Is that why you wear your hair long?"

"Maybe. I'd get an earring, but Dad would croak."

Oh, Austin, you rebel you!

Finally the kids make it to Florida! Cassie is thrilled to see the ocean! Cassie is also thrilled to read in the paper that a loggerhead turtle release is going to happen there soon! Austin's all BORING but Dani lets him know this is Super! Important! to Cassie. Goddamn, these turtles are like the only VAGUELY interesting thing in the whole frigging book.

Cassie wants to have fun, so she takes Dani to a bridal boutique where they pretend Cassie is getting married and she's the maid of honor. Even though the salesperson offers Cassie an option of dress colors, she's all NO OF COURSE I WANT TO WEAR WHITE. Ugh ugh ugh! I think I need a new category for posts, you guys, with all this fucking white worship. Of course the girls look lovely, and it's SO SAD because OBVIOUSLY Cassie is going TO DIE and therefore NOT GET MARRIED which is OBVIOUSLY the most important thing a girl could ever do!

The salesperson is SO AWFUL. I know this was written just so we could all go OH IF ONLY YOU KNEW STUPID SALESLADY but OMG:

"I know just how you feel, my dear," [the salesperson] assured her. "It isn't easy losing a sister. But getting married is the natural order of things. People start new lives. It's inevitable."

Okay, besides the whole fact that NO IT IS NOT INEVITABLE PEOPLE OFTEN DON'T GET MARRIED IT IS NOT ACTUALLY REQUIRED BY LAW, what the hell is with this whole "LOSING A SISTER" business? I hate you, salesperson. Like, lots.

After this outing, Cassie reveals to Dani that she knows she's dying. Dani's all "HOW?" and Cassie is nice enough not to say something like "BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT YOU IDIOT." Ugh. I am so over all of you characters.

So Austin says it's time for Dani to call her mom, and like a good lady, Dani listens to the man and does so. Actually, it totally IS time, but, ugh. Her mom shows up WITH THE UNETHICAL DOCTOR though that's good because at least he can treat Cassie's growing pain. Everyone argues a bunch, but it all gets resolved OF COURSE.

The fam goes to Disney World, where Dani gets all freaked out by the fucking Haunted Mansion. I know Lurlene is trying to be all deep with thoughts of the afterlife and all but OH MY GOD THE FUCKING HAUNTED MANSION? If there's anything NOT scary, it's the Haunted Mansion. I've never visited it, you know, with a dying relative, but I'm pretty morbid AND easily frightened, and yet I have never had so much of an eerie thought there.

Cassie goes blind and is nearly paralyzed, so it's time for her to go to the hospital. Unethical doctor can't treat her, since he's out of state, but he can act as a consult. Dude, you should have left this case the second you started sleeping with the mom, that's all I'm saying. Whatever.

So of course Cassie dies, NONSHOCK! Dani persuades her mom to stay a little longer in Florida to watch the loggerhead turtles, for Cassie's sake. They do, and everyone lives happily ever after. As happily ever after as you can, after your family member just dies at a young age from a brain tumor!

You're not my real mom, or One Last Wish: Mother, Help Me Live

It was with great trepidation that I began rereading One Last Wish: Mother, Help Me Live (published 1992), but we'll get into that in a bit. For now, let me tell you guys what it's about:

You don't know me, but I know about you... I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

When the doctors explain to Sarah MacGreggor and her parents that she will need a bone marrow transplant to live, she is distraught. Then Sarah learns that her family cannot be donors because they are not blood relatives. Sarah is furious that her parents never told her she was adopted.

Even as Sarah faces the devastating news, she is granted one last hope - the anonymous letter she receives allows her an incredible opportunity. She can search for her birth mother, who gave her up fifteen years ago. Now, when Sarah needs this woman for her very survival, what will she discover?

Hmmm!

The copy I read looks like this:
This cover doesn't really even make any sense, like circumstances led to an open door but with Sarah facing away...? I don't get it. Whatever, our heroine looks appropriately sad but strong, and of course the evil biological mother's got a raging case of bitchface. Bio!Mom lives in Santa Monica, so I can't say I disagree with this portrayal of a Westsider. No offense, Westside. I'm just saying, this cover sums up every time I try to go over there to socialize. Me: sad, silent, hand over heart. Them: bitchface.

Of course there's a new edition, because if there's anything Lurlene's publishers are, it's SUPER INTO NEW EDITIONS. This isn't to be confused with SUPER INTO NEW EDITION which would look more like this:



Nope, Lurlene's people requisitioned something that looks more like this:



Um, is Sarah's biological mother DOLLY PARTON? Oh man, I would totally read that book. I would LIVE that book. (Except for the leukemia.)

Okay, people, so here's the deal. This is sort of a subject near and dear my heart, not because I or anyone I know needs a bone marrow transplant, but because my brother is adopted. So adoption is this totally normal NON-DRAMA thing in my family, and has been ever since I was very little and found out my parents were trying to adopt.

I still totally remember this episode of Family Ties where Skippy finds out he's adopted, and I was totes horrified that any parent would keep it secret from their kid for so long!Also I remember that my mom, who helped out in my brother's first grade classroom, shared with the teacher on the anniversary of my brother's adoption because back then we celebrated it as sort of a second birthday, and she was all I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO MENTION THAT REALLY DO YOU SUCH A SECRET PRIVATE THING like they wanted to do satanic rituals in our Catholic grade school or something, and my mom was just all "uhhh, why wouldn't we be okay sharing this?"

Wow, are those seriously my only two points of reference? My own life and FAMILY frigging TIES?

Anyways, obviously, those events both occurred quite a long time ago, and things are pretty different now. Thanks, celebrities, for adopting all those kids! Now it's totes not seen as weird. Good for you!

(I'm not kidding, guys. I just read really sarcastic, I'm aware.)

Anyways, wasn't I recapping a book? Wouldn't you guys rather first watch the Family Ties theme? I thought so.



So the book. We open all HEAVY EXPOSITION with Sarah and her mom, who are all IT'S STARTING AGAIN ISN'T IT YES INDEED as Sarah's hair is falling out, so clearly that remission didn't take and she's back in chemo land. Damn, sorry Sarah.

Sarah lives in a small town in Georgia, so she has to be three hundred miles away in a big Memphis hospital. Wow, just yesterday I started planning a trip to Memphis for next year! Serendipity! This sucks for Sarah because her entire family can't be there the whole time. Her dad will be up soon, and her mom brings up the mystical magical story of Sarah's birth, which is that they tried SO HARD and SO LONG for a baby until she came along (then Tina two years later and Richie - wait, Richie?? - nine years after that).

Okay, I read the synopsis, so I know Sarah's mom is totes lying, which, ugh to start with. But to make up some elaborate tale on top of that? Couldn't she have just, ya know, not talked about it much? Less of a real lie than just not sharing one hundred percent of the truth? It's not like I know anyone who was all dying to know about the circumstances of THEIR CONCEPTION anyway. Not me, friends, not me.

That weekend, the whole fam visits. Richie is four and adorable. Tina is thirteen and A TOTAL WENCH. She's all YOU SURE GOT A LOT OF FLOWERS and [the room] DOESN'T LOOK TOO AWFUL TO ME like, dude, Tina, what the fuck is wrong with you, YOUR SISTER HAS FRIGGING LEUKEMIA. Tina is also envious of all the teen magazines (!) Sarah has. God, I hate Tina. I am on page five and already I hate everyone in this family except Sarah and Richie. And, sorry to spoil you guys, but Sarah won't remain on my good list for long.

The doctors talk to Sarah and her parents about her progress. Sarah's doing okay, but what would really help is, of course, a bone marrow transplant. Her parents are all WELL I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ALSO DON'T TEST US OR OUR KIDS FOR COMPATIBILITY I THINK SARAH'S ACTUALLY FINE and Sarah's all, the hell?

After this, Sarah's parents reveal their big lie:

Her father stepped forward and took her hand. "Baby, there's no need for Tina or Richie to be typed for compatibility. They're not going to match you."

Sarah stared at then, confused and dumbfounded. "How can you be sure? They're my sister and brother."

Her mother shook her head. Tears trickled down her cheeks. "No, Sarah, they're not. [OMG WTF SHUT UP SHUT UP ACTUALLY THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "actually, Sarah, they're not your biological siblings"] When you were three days old, we adopted you."

Understandably, Sarah freaks the fuck out. Here's the short version of the story: they couldn't conceive, so they adopted her, then they ended up conceiving Tina (and then Richie) later on. That's actually super common.

Sarah seems less upset about the lying than being adopted, is all I AM NOT RELATED TO ANY OF YOU I AM JUST A LEGAL TRANSACTION I DON'T BELONG TO ANYONE WOE IS MEEEE and just SHUT UP SARAH. Lying is awful, and your parents really, really fucked up. That said, adoption is not some crappy inferior way to end up in a family, and it doesn't make you any less related to the people who adopted you. Great, now I hate you too.

Sarah wants time alone, and stares in the mirror:

She was seeing "eyes of such a pale, clear shade of blue as to resemble light streaming through a window." Scott Michaels had described them that way when she'd been eleven, and it had made her blush.

NO HE DIDN'T. I do not believe any eleven-year-old has ever uttered such a phrase. WAY TO CAPTURE THE REALISM OF TWEEN CONVERSATION LURLENE.

Soon, of course, Sarah gets THE LETTER. If this is your first OLW recap, head back here to read the full text. She keeps it secret, of course, like this is the way most people would react. Actually, guys, once this is posted, I'm going to create this week's poll, and that's what I'm going to find out. So if you read this on an RSS feed, be sure to actually come to the site.

Sarah goes home from the hospital but is still all whiny and emo about her sitch. No, not the cancer, not the lying, but the BEING ADOPTED. Shut up, Sarah. Her neighbor Scott of the AS TO RESEMBLE LIGHT STREAMING THROUGH A WINDOW Scott does visit, but she doesn't tell him about the adoption stuff, because she is ASHAMED. But after a blowup with heinous Tina where Sarah's all DON'T WORRY WE'RE NOT EVEN RELATED (which is rude and wrong uggghhhh I hate Sarah, though at least this time she also chastises her parents for the lying), she ends up telling Scott everything.

Despite that dumbass thing about blue eyes, Scott is pretty smart, because he has a friend who is adopted, and is super fine with it! Also he is quick to correct Sarah on saying shit like "real mom" when, duh, her REAL MOM is the one who raised her, and her biological mother is the one who gave birth to her. Thanks for that terminology lesson, Scott, that wenchface Sarah really needed it.

Sarah realizes, while talking to Scott, that she could FIND her biological mother, and maybe biological siblings, and then she'd have a great shot at the bone marrow transplant. This is actually not a bad idea! Scott says it would cost lots of money (I dunno, would it?) but that's fine because Sarah's got the OLW money.

So Sarah goes to her parents, and they sit her down to lecture her on the assface she's been lately. She also comes clean about the letter and says she wants to search for her biological mother. Sarah's mom keeps trying to guilt trip her, all THINK OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR FAMILY WITH THAT MONEY like, uh, Sarah's mom, I know your daughter is a wench and I know you are also a lying wench, but, uh, think about this. Do you want Sarah to live? Then face the fact that maybe this is necessary. ARGH. My parents were always nothing but supportive, telling my brother that once he was eighteen if he wanted any help finding biological family they would be there. They aren't lying jackholes though to be fair.

Sarah's mom does admit she's curious:

"I wanted a baby so badly, and well, if you must know, she didn't want hers at all. I couldn't imagine such a thing."

Seems an awful lot like talking smack about someone who made a REALLY TOUGH DECISION that, uh, resulted in you GETTING A BABY. Way to be all OH MY I COULDN'T IMAGINE! I know lots of women that give up their babies really really WANT THEM but can't for some reason or another. Or, you know, they're not ready to be moms. Or whatever else. GodDAMN I hate you, Sarah's mom. Judgey McBitchPants.

Sarah hires a private investigator who tracks down Sarah's biological mother.

Sarah read further, "...being the mother of a female child named (Baby Girl) Warren..." She stopped reading. Was that all Sarah had been to her--Baby Girl Warren? Hadn't Janelle even bothered to give her baby a name? [Uh, Sarah, she gave you up for adoption, why would she be thinking of freaking NAMING YOU?] Sarah's vision blurred, but she continued to read, "...and having sole right to custody and control of said child, said child having been born out of wedlock..."

Sarah winced. Of course, she'd known for some time that her natural mother and father had never married, but seeing the words in black and white cut through her like a knife.

WHY? I haven't thought having kids when you weren't married was sinful since I quit Catholic school. ARGH. This family is so fucking judgmental.

The private investigator reveals he does this work because he too was adopted and had a happy reunion with his biological family. He still likes his adopted family, though, he reveals that HE EVEN KEPT THEIR NAME. WTF! It's your fucking name too, you asshole. You don't give that up if you make a happy reunion with your biological family. GodDAMN Lurlene, did you talk to anyone who was ACTUALLY adopted?

The investigator tracks down Sarah's biological mother in a beach community near L.A. I am assuming it's supposed to be Santa Monica. Sarah, her mother, and the private eye all go together to confront her or whatever. This plan is stupid, but Sarah thinks while her biological mother could ignore a letter or phone call, she won't be able to refuse her in person. Maybe. I still hate everything about this plan. Also this book.

Janelle Warren lives modestly in a small house with two cats and a parrot. Holy crap, wouldn't the parrot try to eat the cats? Or vice versa? You guys, I am so scared of parrots I can't even tell you. Sarah wants to see Janelle before confronting her, so they stalk her to her usual restaurant where she meets up with her politics boyfriend. Sarah's all dazzled because Janelle's in designer clothes whereas everyone back home looks crappy all the time. Listen, I don't want to be all I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN SARAH but whenever I go back to my small hometown to visit, I'm often struck with these UH YOU SERIOUSLY LEFT THE HOUSE THAT WAY?? thoughts, and when my brother came out here to visit, he was laughing at how everyone looked, in his words, ready to go to a club at any moment. Maybe my brother and I are just jerks, though. It's possible.

So Sarah, her mom, and the P.I. go to Janelle's house, though Sarah goes alone to the door. Janelle's all GO AWAY! as soon as she realizes who Sarah is. Sarah cries in the car and is all BOO HOO MY REAL MOTHER DOESN'T WANT ME, and luckily her mom is all OH HELL NO I AM YOUR REAL MOM WHO SAT WITH YOU THROUGH CHEMO AND RAISED YOU AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF and FINALLY Sarah gets it through her thick head. All three of them go to the door to confront Janelle, and explain why Sarah is there. Janelle is all YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION IT WAS LEGAL AND IT DOESN'T SHOW ON A WOMAN'S BODY LIKE PREGNANCY DOES and I am not even sure what the hell she's talking about. Is she wanting a thank you from Sarah? Is this some sort of slam against abortion? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Janelle's a douchebag too.

Anyways, Janelle says she can't help with the bone marrow transplant, and that Sarah's biological father doesn't have kids either. All right then! Sarah makes this beautiful observation:

Janelle turned and walked to a large picture window and toyed with the drapery cord. The curtains were already shut, just like Janelle Warren's heart, Sarah thought.

Sarah's mom leaves their hotel info with Janelle, and they go. Janelle shows up to explain. She lets Sarah know that she thought it better her baby go to a loving home with two parents, not one. Her boyfriend, Sarah's biological father, actually died before Sarah was born. Janelle didn't want to tell her parents about the pregnancy, because they had such pride in her.

"In those days, there was a certain amount of shame in being an unwed mother. Women didn't wear illegitimate pregnancies like badges of pride as they do today."

Uhhh I hate you, Janelle. Also, I find this totally hard to believe from this character. Firstly, she lives in the L.A. area, which is a blue city in a blue county in a blue state. Secondly, she herself went through an--I really hate using this term--illegitimate pregnancy herself. Wouldn't she think it BETTER for women to go through less shame? ARGH. I hate these people.

Janelle also reveals that her bone marrow is unusable because she had breast cancer. Damn! They at least have a nice goodbye.

Back at home, Tina has organized a bone marrow donor drive! Go Tina! Sarah realizes she obviously DID have a REAL family all along. Good lesson learned, Sarah. I still think all of you are heinous, though.

Who needs sex when you've got horses, or One Last Wish: Sixteen and Dying

The lovely Meghan posted a request on the master list for One Last Wish: Sixteen and Dying (published 1992), so here we go! At first I thought "Yay, a OLW book I haven't yet read!" but at a certain point in the story I totes pulled a Celine as it all came back to me. Oh, man, was I still reading crappy Lurlene books in all seriousness in 1992? What a terrifying thought.

You guys want to know what this one's about? Well, I am happy to tell you!

You don't know me, but I know about you....

I can't make you live longer. I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

It's hard for Anne Wingate and her father to accept the doctors' diagnosis: Anne is HIV positive. Seven years earlier, before blood screening was required, Anne received a transfusion to save her life, and the blood was tainted. Now Anne must deal with the inevitable progression of her condition. When an anonymous benefactor promises to grant a single wish with no strings attached, Anne decides to spend the summer on a ranch out west and live as normally as she possibly can. The summer seems even better than she dreamed, especially after she meets Morgan. But Anne hasn't confided in Morgan about her condition, and when her health begins to deteriorate, she suddenly leaves the ranch.

Is there time for Anne and Morgan to meet again?

This is kind of a weird book to write about, because HIV and AIDS diagnoses are SO DIFFERENT nowadays, you know? If a healthy New York girl with money tested positive for HIV these days, it'd be sad, obviously, but she wouldn't be looking at an automatic death sentence, just some life changes. Right? It's sort of like listening to Rent. Well, without the OH MY GOD WHY DID I EVER THINK BENNY WAS WRONG? feeling.

Anyways, I will try my best to keep all that in mind as I traverse the rocky shores of Sixteen and Dying. Especially warm thoughts about Benjamin Coffin the Third.


After looking at that, I hate to bring you guys down with bad graphic design, so just remember you can always scroll back up to feel better. I know that's what I'll be doing.

This is the newest cover:

You guys, is it just me, or is the position of that horse's head a little... dirty? Who the hell Photoshopped this, someone who just got fired from some horse fetish magazine? Also follow the guy's line of vision! OH MY GOD DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY. I mean, not that boobs are inherently dirty, I'm JUST SAYING.

My version has this cover:


Sorry, that is literally the largest picture I could find. It's not as great of a cover, I guess, though it isn't perverse, so there's THAT. The guy totally isn't as hot as he's supposed to be, but, whatever. He's dressed like a bunch of jackasses I went to high school with who apparently just couldn't get enough denim, whereas the other edition at least has the whole hot cowboy thing going on. Whatever, I can't believe I'm giving a fictional cowboy this much thought.

The particular copy I'm lucky enough to have (i.e. purchase for dirt cheap in a giant lot off of eBay) is hardcover, but not like with a slipcover or anything, nope, it's just printed on a hardcover. Also on the back there's this little seal that says ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS which, just, WHAT? I mean, we've been over this a million times, how I hate uber-gendered stuff for kids, like, shouldn't we be offering unlimited reading possibilities (keeping in mind maturity/reading level) and not starting them out with this idea that boys are allowed some things while girls should be reading about dead girls and horses and shit? ARGH. I mean, not that I didn't do a lot of reading about dying gentle heroines and horses and yet STILL turn out, well, me. I'm JUST SAYING.

Oh man, and I OPENED the book and the inner binding (listen, people, I used Wikipedia, I can't figure out the term) is printed with an ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS pattern. I am not kidding!

So the book opens with Anne and her dad at a dude ranch in Montana. Hey, does anyone else automatically have the same thought process whenever you hear about a dude ranch?:


There's all that really crappy exposition, no, not the kind where it's all "REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR THIS REASON AND THAT REASON" but the kind where it's all "it is amazing we are able to be here because of THAT THING and we are very depressed because of THAT OTHER THING" and I guess it's supposed to build suspense, but really I'm all JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT'S GOING ON PEOPLE.

I mean, good books use that technique all the time, to differing results, but, you know, seriously, this is just annoying.

Anne's dad is a professor at NYU. Awesome! What a nice change of pace to give a dude that kind of job and not, you know, some sort of manly-man occupation. Anne's dad isn't thrilled about being here, for a couple reasons. One, he's a New Yorker, the kind who fucking hates nature and all of that. Anne's dad, I feel your pain! I myself am not a New Yorker, but whenever people suggest I get in touch with nature I'm all LISTEN I LIVE NEAR A PARK ISN'T THAT ENOUGH SOME OF US HAPPEN TO LIKE LIVING WITHIN CIVILIZATION ALL RIGHT YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND RELAXING IS KNOWING SOMEONE WILL DELIVER THAI FOOD TO ME NIGHT AND DAY. Ahem. I've got his back here.

I've got his back about the other thing too. See, Anne has HIV. The doctors urged her to begin AZT treatment IMMEDIATELY but because of potential side effects she took her OLW letter and check to get a summer at a ranch. I seriously can't believe her dad let her make this decision. I mean, this is where I can't tell if we're talking about a seriously stupid life plan or datedness. If you know you're gonna die soon, no matter what, you probably want to make that wish of a lifetime happen before you're too sick to enjoy it. OR DEAD. That said, I feel like had she started the AZT before it progressed to full-blown AIDS (sorry to be such a spoiler queen this time around, kids, this book is just structured strangely to recap normally) she could have lived a lot longer. Yeah? Are AZT side effects bad enough to pick death instead?

Time, once again, to turn to Wikipedia:

Common side effects of AZT include nausea, headache, changes in body fat, and discoloration of fingernails and toenails. More severe side effects include anemia and bone marrow suppression, which can be overcome using erythropoietin or darbepoetin treatments. These unwanted side effects might be caused by the sensitivity of the γ-DNA polymerase in the cell mitochondria. AZT has been shown to work additively or synergistically with many anti-HIV agents; however, acyclovir and ribavirin decrease the antiviral effect of AZT. Drugs that inhibit hepatic glucuronidation, such as indomethacin, acetylsalicylic acid (Aspirin) and trimethoprim, decrease the elimination rate and increase the toxicity. The side effects from AZT and its toxicity have been serious enough to warrant a black box warning from the FDA.

That black box warning part does sound pretty scary. That said, death sounds way worse.

When the book talks about the research Anne's dad did, they tell about this AMAZING COMPUTER LIBRARY he can access using "a modem, a special phone". Considering this book is from 1992, that's totally okay to write, but, ha! Remember those days, kids, back BEFORE WE ALL USED THE INTERNETS? What a sad, dark time.

While Anne's dad stresses out, Anne calms him by placing her hands on his chest. Kind of ewwww.

So Anne goes to check out the horses, and accidentally checks out the WILD HORSES instead of the TAME HORSES, and this dude Morgan totally reams her for being a STUPID TOURIST. Uh, Morgan, whether or not you hate tourists, since you work on a fucking tourist dude ranch, maybe you should try being a little nicer to them.

Then of course we get stuck with Morgan's POV. He hates Anne because obviously if she can afford the whole summer there she must be rich. I love that what we're supposed to take away from this isn't "wow, what a fucking awful way to judge someone" but "oh, no worries, Morgan, Anne isn't rich, she just got this bigass check BECAUSE SHE'S DYING!" What is with the Lurleneverse and the evilness of rich people? While, listen, I guess it's better than this current trend with, like, the Gossip Girl series and spinoffs where everyone's loaded and anyone lesser is seen as, like, morally-flawed, I'm not much into this outlook either.

The only thing that got to him about her was her large, expressive brown eyes, which appeared somehow sad. What could a rich girl from the East have to be sad about?

I liked that her location was thrown in there too. Man, those richies from NY, they are NEVER sad.

Anne's thinking about her sad predicament, how thanks to HIV even if she lived long enough, can't have kids, or even have sex. Then she says this beautiful line:

No sex didn't mean no love.

Meghan actually quoted this line to me to convince me to do this recap next. (Totes worked, obviously!) I mean, I agree? But I also think these books are really way too into sex being bad and eeeeevil. Plus lots of people with HIV enjoy full sex lives by practicing safe sex.

Anne runs into a girl who works there who's boohooing, named Marta Rodriguez. As you can tell from Marta's name, she likes to throw in Spanish words and she's from "the barrio" in L.A. Folks, I've never heard anyone around here refer to a part of town as the barrio, so I did a quick Google search to see if Lurlene was being racist. Right away I found out that Edward James Olmos grew up in the barrio here, so I guess I'll give Lurlene a pass here. Thank you, Edward James Olmos.

Anyway, Marta, who's known as Marti, is there because her parents made her. Her brother worked at the ranch two summers in a row and it saved him from his gang life. Okay then! Marti's boyfriend Peter Manterra is in a gang, so Marti's parents think she could stand to learn valuable dude ranch life lessons. Oh, fine. Marti says she misses her boyfriend like crazy but it is nice to be on the ranch because it's hot and mean in the barrio. East L.A. can get pretty brutal, so, again, FINE.

Marti also expositions that Morgan is the ranch owners' nephew, and that he's reckless.

Back in Morgan's brainskull, he thinks about Stacy Donner from SF who was a "rich debutante":

She'd toyed with him. He learned from the experience. Rich girls were fickle and not to be trusted.

Aw yeah, classism and sexism in one foul swoop. I hate you, Morgan.

So Morgan's trying to break in the wild horse Anne was checking out when she first got there. This is because Anne has an eye for horses! This makes Morgan think PERHAPS she's different than all the dumbass tourists. I hope I never have to work hard to impress someone like Morgan; the task seems frigging impossible. Have I mentioned? I HATE MORGAN.

One of the ranch workers named Skip has a thing for Marti and asks her on a picnic. Since her heart is with Peter Manterra, she asks Anne and Morgan to go along so it'll be less awkward. I never understand in books how making something a double date makes anything LESS awkward. Marti claims it'll be a real fiesta because this is TOTALLY how people who speak Spanish speak English.

Chapter Eight starts in maybe the creepiest ever, by the way:

Morgan began to watch Anne.

He stalks her to a church, and tells her about his Native American great-great-great grandmother, who converted to Christianity. I guess that means she's a good person then. Then Anne recites some Emily Dickenson to him. If you guys think this sounds hot, you need help.

So the kids finally have the picnic of awkward. Skip is, like, the most awkward person ever:

"I wasn't sure what everybody'd want to eat. I brought fried chicken, tortillas, burritos--do you like these things?" he asked.

DO YOU LIKE THESE THINGS? If someone ever asked me that I'd totally punch them in the face. Well, after making sure to get a burrito. Also, what are they doing with the tortillas? Did he just think, "well, I really wanna nail Marti, and she's from the barrio, so... I'll get some... tortillas? To impress her"? I hate it when people who don't understand food write about it. Also godDAMN am I hungry and would seriously like a burrito. If I didn't have work tomorrow, you guys, I would totally drive down to the taco stand. Also if I thought it was open at eleven on a Sunday night.

Marti gets all flirty with Skip, believe it or not:

"Everything Spanish is hot," Marti said with a flirtatious, sidelong glance toward Skip.

Um, Marti, actually, I think you're Mexican, not Spanish. To distract me from my head wanting to explode between Lurlene's cultural insensitivity and my deep longing for some Mexican eats, here's a little something the Spanish/Mexican snafu made me think of:



(While you guys were watching that, I totally just microwaved some enchiladas. Success!)

Anne and Morgan talk about their families. Anne's mother was British; she met Anne's dad when he was studying at Oxford. She died in an accident when Anne was little. (It was the same accident that required Anne to get a blood transfusion that ended up giving her HIV, by the way.) Morgan's dad is dead and his mom left. And he's not sayin' any more! Then Morgan tries to end the night early. Skip's all, dude, for serious? I'm totally screwing this girl who's either Spanish or Mexican! But Anne overhears Morgan say Anne's dad told him to leave Anne alone. Ruh roh! Anne's pissed. I would be too! I get where Anne's dad is coming from, but, geez, let your daughter make her own decisions. Or if you're that terrified about the possibilities of your daughter making ill-informed decisions about sex OR ANYTHING ELSE, maybe you should, I don't know, TALK TO HER. But I'm sorry, we're in the Lurleneverse. Like THAT would happen.

Anne confronts her dad (go Anne!) and he's all... weird:

"Anne, this type of attraction is a first for you. [How does he know that?] It's been a long time coming, but the time has arrived. [Hello, weird sentence, dude.] I've never seen you interested in a boy before, and it's... difficult for me."

. . .

"As your father," he said, "I've been both anticipating and dreading this day for years. The day when you'd meet a guy who saw you for the wonderful person you are. And wanted you in every way."

. . .

"I never wanted to think of you growing up and getting involved with any man... not even the one you marry and now...."

Um, fucking creepy, Anne's dad. I'm really glad I didn't go to NYU and therefore avoided you. And if that wasn't bad enough...:

First he lost her mother; now, he was losing her. Not in a normal way of giving her away in marriage. But to premature death.

Okay, "giving her away" in marriage is icky and gross, I'm sorry. If you actually think of your daughter as, like, your property to hand over to her husband, just, ugh. Also, considering that LOSING HER is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Seriously, I started out liking you, Anne's dad, and now I feel my feelings have changed. You, sir, are creepy with a capital creep.

Morgan and Anne are hanging out when she cuts her hand and begins to bleed. Understandably, she freaks and flees the scene. He's all, TF? Luckily she's fine. Soon after she goes shopping in town and finds this amaaaaaazing saddle, which she buys for Morgan with some of her OLW money.

There's a town rodeo, where Morgan gets thrown off a horse and is injured. But he's okay. Yay? Anne goes back with him to his cabin, where he asks her to spend the night. Whoa! Obviously she says no and leaves, which hurts his feelings. Dude, I know you don't realize she has HIV, but even so, girls are allowed to NOT WANT TO FUCK YOU. Argh.

The saddle shows up the next day, which is bad timing because Morgan's all YOU RICH GIRLS THINK YOU CAN BUY YOUR WAY OUT OF HURTING MY FEELINGS which, just, no, Morgan, NO. Shutttt uppppp.

Things get worse. Of course. Morgan's wild horse hurts its leg, and Morgan has to shoot it. Oh man, I'd fall apart. I hate sad stuff with animals, so I vote NO to this part of the book. Dying kids, sure, but please don't shoot hurt animals! Sniff.

Anyways, on top of that, Anne is worse, and has to go back to NYC to start on AZT. Bad timing, T-cells. She lets Marti know she's sick (though she doesn't say how badly and due to what) and asks her to tell Morgan.

Back in NYC, Anne has full-blown AIDS and is quite ill. Poor Anne! They have a volunteer nurse who helps out a lot; she does so because her own son died of AIDS. I like you, volunteer nurse. You deserve to be somewhere nicer than the Lurleneverse.

Morgan shows up! OMG! Anne is kind of freaked about her shitty appearance, but he doesn't seem to mind. Finally she is upfront with him; also he is upfront with her. His dad isn't dead, but in a hospital in St. Louis (shoutout to my hometown represent!) dying from Huntington's Chorea. By the way, this was when I realized I'd already read this book. Huntington's is seriously THE WORST UGH. For those of you who don't know of it, Huntington's is a neurological disorder that first displays as jerky movements, but eventually renders a person pretty much unable to function and their brain totally gone to mush. Sad, sad, sad. It's always fatal.

Morgan hangs around NYC on a long-term basis, and he and Anne spend lots of time together. He asks her if she hadn't had HIV if she would have spent the night with him, and she says no, because she wants wearing white on her wedding dress to MEAN SOMETHING. Ugh! I hate all this virgin worship. I'd hate it a lot less if the focus wasn't so much on purity of young ladies alone. Guess guys are free to screw whatever whores they want! Also, seriously, no one looks good in white. It is NOT slimming. PRIORITIES!

Anne does research on her dad's computer about Huntington's, and learns there's a test. Aw, man, you guys, do you remember on Everwood where Hannah had to decide whether or not to take the test since her dad had Huntington's? Broke my goddamn heart, oh, Hannah! If only you were in this book and not frigging Morgan.

Anyways, Morgan says he knows of the test, and isn't interested in taking it. Even though Morgan is being sort of stupid about this, it is way more complicated than Anne's acting. Listen, I paid attention during Everwood! You have to go through all this psychological testing to prove you can handle getting the results if they're bad. I mean, finding out you're going to get a terrible fatal disease at some point in your life is not something you can just tell everyone. You know? Though I guess when you're sixteen and dying of AIDS, you're pretty much like JUST GET OVER IT YOU IDIOT.

So Anne dies, of course, and is buried in this Native American wedding dress Morgan had given her for Christmas. Uh, inappropriate? She left Morgan a check to cover the cost of testing. The thought's nice, Anne, but I have a very hard time believing Morgan's gonna even make it through the psychological portion of that process.

Money Can't Bring Back Your Dead Friend but it'll Make Your Life Way Better, or One Last Wish: a Time to Die

The One Last Wish series came in second in the poll of what you guys wanted me to recap, and I was grateful for some time away from Dawn friggin' Rochelle. So off we go! By the way, whenever I hear "one last wish" I think of that song "One Last Kiss" from Bye Bye Birdie, which, really, subconscious? That's where you go?

I don't really think the series needs an introduction; the first few books didn't need to be read in any sort of order, and I'm pretty sure this was the first or one of the first anyways, so we'll be set. Let us, gentle readers, embark on a journey together, a journey to discover a Time to Die (published 1992).

What wonders await us?:

Sixteen-year-old Kara Fischer has cystic fibrosis and only months to live. But the close-knit bond she develops with Vince, who also has the disease, helps her come to terms with her own illness. Given one last wish, Kara wonders if miracles could really happen.

Wow, really, marketing team? That is all you could come up with? I see my work's cut out for me.

Amazon features some leafy new cover I've never seen before:



I guess the time to die is autumn!

Luckily a sweet reader sent their own image to Amazon of the cover I remember:



The weird thing about the One Last Wish books is, basically, going into them you know the person's going to die. There's no mystery there! It's a weird premise for YA books, yeah? Rows and rows of dying kids, whee! Oh, Lurlene, your ways do fascinate me.

(Then again, I probably spend as much time writing ABOUT these books as she does writing them, so maybe I'm the one whose ways should be examined.)

So Kara has cystic fibrosis, a disease we have not yet encountered in the Lurleneverse! There was some book I read a bunch growing up about a girl with CF, because I was totally that child who loved reading endlessly about kids with diseases, but if you weren't a devoted reader of afflictions, let me tell you what Wikipedia has to tell us about it:

Cystic fibrosis (also known as CF, mucoviscoidosis, or mucoviscidosis) is a hereditary disease that affects mainly the exocrine (mucus) glands of the lungs, liver, pancreas, and intestines, causing progressive disability due to multisystem failure.

Thick mucus production, as well as a less competent immune system, results in frequent lung infections. Diminished secretion of pancreatic enzymes is the main cause of poor growth, fatty diarrhea and deficiency in fat-soluble vitamins. Males can be infertile due to the condition congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens. Often, symptoms of CF appear in infancy and childhood. Meconium ileus is a typical finding in newborn babies with CF.

Individuals with cystic fibrosis can be diagnosed prior to birth by genetic testing. Newborn screening tests are increasingly common and effective. The diagnosis of CF may be confirmed if high levels of salt are found during a sweat test, although some false positives may occur.

There is no cure for CF, and most individuals with cystic fibrosis die young: many in their 20s and 30s from lung failure. However, with the continuous introduction of many new treatments, the life expectancy of a person with CF is increasing to ages as high as 40 or 50. Lung transplantation is often necessary as CF worsens.

Cystic fibrosis is one of the most common life-shortening, childhood-onset inherited diseases. In the United States, 1 in 3900 children are born with CF.

That sounds craptastic, doesn't it? Sorry, Kara, if I didn't already feel bad for you knowing you're in a book within the ONE LAST WISH series, this would put me over the edge.

By the way, when I was thirteen, I totally wrote a book about a girl named Kara (or Cara), though she didn't have CF, but her boyfriend sort of RANDOMLY DIED. His name was Johnny because I was really into Cry-Baby at the time. Of all the crap books I wrote back then, I think it topped out as the worst, though - believe it or not - it was my ongoing project for G&T. I KNOW! Anyways, the name Kara never fails to remind me of that terrible, terrible story. Also Johnny Depp.

So Kara is just getting out of the hospital after recovering from an infection. She has a supercool therapist, Christy, who administers some of the painful treatments that have to be done several times a day to keep her lungs clear. I totally remember that from that other CF book!! I wonder what that book was. If any of you have any ideas, feel free to tell me.

Kara's got this dude friend named Vince, who's her age and goes to her school and also has CF. Vince is supposed to be really great, always being sweet to her and visiting her and blah blah blah, but I just think Vince is vaguely creepy. I mean, this could just be me; a lot of the so-called romantic stuff in books and rom-coms wigs me out, though I know I totes ate it up as a kid.

Kara's thinking about all the treatments and mucus, and says to herself CF was so gross which, seriously, is one of the most realistic reactions to one's disease within the Lurleneverse I've ever heard. Don't worry, guys, it won't stay realistic and hurt your brain TOO much. Promise.

Christy's brother's moving to town because he had trouble getting along with their parents. His name's Eric and he'll be going to the same high school as Kara, so she asks Kara to show him around. Kara wants to know how she'll recognize him, so Christy shows her a picture. Of course he's a total hottie. I'll be straight with you guys, this is totally the kind of situation the mind of young Ames dreamed of. Instant hottie boyfriend!

Of course Kara tracks Eric down. And does Eric like moving from Houston to Nashville?:

"I've only been here four days. I haven't seen too much of the city. There are more hills than in Texas, and it's a lot greener, too." His gaze skimmed over her body. "Girls here are pretty, and so far, I like what I see."

OH MY GOD SO SLEAZY!

So Eric offers to give Kara a ride home, and she asks:

"You have a horse, or a car?"

Kara, that is the worst flirting I've ever, ever heard.

So unfortunately we get some of Eric's POV. He is super into Kara:

She was such a beautiful girl--blond with large brown eyes that totally dominated her elfin face She was petite, like a little doll, even if she was a bit thin.

LIKE A LITTLE DOLL. GROSS GROSS GRRRROSSSSSSSS.

For the first time all afternoon, he wondered why Christy worked with Kara. The pretty blond girl looked perfectly fine to him. More than fine.

"I'm glad the two of you met. She liked you."

The information pleased him. "She's one sweet babe," Eric said candidly. "A very sweet babe."

Christy had started for the kitchen, but turned on him the moment the comment was out of his mouth. "You be nice to her, Eric. She's not one of your silly bimbos."

Taken aback, Eric stared. "What are you talking about? 'My bimbos'?"

"Mom and Dad told me you were running with some pretty wild kids back home. They said some of your girlfriends weren't exactly high-quality. Kara's not that type."

Okay, so now I hate Eric, Christy, AND their parents.

Christy explains to Eric that Kara has CF. He's a bit grossed out:

Already, Eric disliked the description. Who wanted to think about body fluids?

I thought teenage guys were alllll about body fluids actually!

So apparently Kara's mom used to be super overprotective, but a therapist helped her get all straightened out, and she even convinced her to take a full-time job, so Kara's mom is actually a big ad agency wiz! Wow! A working mom who did the right thing by BECOMING a working mom! I'm impressed, Lurlene. And Kara's mom! Go you!

Kara casually mentioned Eric. "Any brother of Christy's must be a fine young man. I'd like to meet him."

Kara couldn't think of anything she'd rather not have happen. Both her parents would probably sit Eric down and grill him like a cheese sandwich.

LIKE A CHEESE SANDWICH OMG METAPHOR INSANITY YOU GUYS!

So now that Eric knows about Kara's CF, he totes blows her off. Way to go, dumbass! I mean, okay, I guess if I was a teenager it might be sort of scary to find that out about a person you were interested in, but, man, Eric, way to be a jerk.

Luckily Vince is well enough to also be back at school, so at least Kara has him and her BFF Elyse to hang out with. There's some sort of Fall Festival thing the school does, where Vince is going to run the haunted house. He offers to let Kara help:

"The count must leave you now, my dear." He mimicked the accent of Hollywood's best vampires.

The phrase "Hollywood's best vampires" hurts my brain so much I have to stop thinking about it.

Eric notices Vince at school:

When [Vince] smiled, Eric saw white, straight teeth, and decided that some girls might think the guy good-looking.

Wow, Eric, what a bizarro way to phrase that. Listen, buddy, there's nothing wrong with one man noticing how good-looking another man is.

Kara, who's an artist, actually ends up doing face-painting at the Fall thing, and Eric finally approaches her, and he wants a dragon painted on his face, like it's some badass move. Dude, I don't care if you get the devil in a fistfight with Shaft painted on your face, it's fucking FACE-PAINTING and there's nothing badass about it. Hate to break it to you!

Of course Kara falls for it, though, and they end up dancing at the... dance portion of the evening. Eric questions what's going on between her and Vince, and she tries to explain they're just friends. Considering Vince is always hanging on her and telling her how hot she is, I don't exactly blame Eric for asking. That said, Eric, you've been hiding away and getting your fucking face painted, so I don't know why you're suddenly all deserving of answers.

Vince appears to take Kara home, which is a bit HEY JEALOUSY but he also knows Kara doesn't have the strength for a big night out, so he takes her home. Unfortunately, it's not just that she's tired, it's that an infection has flared up. Oh noes! Back in the hospital she goes. Man, CF is a friggin' pain.

While in the hospital, Kara gets a letter. THE letter, you guys. Since it's the first OLW book I'm covering, I will go ahead and type the whole damn thing:

Dear Kara,

You don't know me, but I know about you and because I do I want to give you a special gift. Accompanying this letter is a certified check, my gift to you with no strings attached to spend on anything you want. No one knows about this gift except you, and you are free to tell anyone you want.

Who I am isn't really important, only that you and I have much in common. Through no fault of our own we have endured pain and isolation and have spent many days in a hospital feeling lonely and scared. I hoped for a miracle, but most of all I hoped for someone to truly understand what I was going through.

I can't make you live longer. I can't stop you from hurting, but I can give you one wish as someone did for me. My wish helped me find purpose, faith, and courage.

Friendship reaches beyond time and the true miracle is in giving, not receiving. Use my gift to fulfill your wish.

Your forever friend,
JWC

Enclosed with the letter is a check for $100,000. Holy shit! You guys, how friggin' crazy would that be? CRAZY! I have no idea what I'd do if I ever got a letter like that. I mean, obviously unless I bend the wibbly-wobbly rules of time and space I will never be a dying teenager, but I'm just saying! It's so nutso and random!

Kara doesn't tell everyone in the world about the check, like I probably would. By then my Facebook status would totes read Ames is in possession of a check for $100k OMG YOU GUYS!

Eric sees Vince working out at the gym:

Eric could see how Vince's upper body was developing through the course of his workouts.

Man, Eric is so friggin' in love with Vince!

Vince actually confronts Eric about his never being around Kara since she went in the hospital, so Eric pushes himself to do so. Good boy, Eric. Of course you'd do anything Vince asked you to!

Kara gets to go home for Thanksgiving, with the order that she has to return to the hospital after the weekend. On Friday night Eric comes over, and they go out, where they smooch a little, which, well, fine, it's nice. At least Kara's getting in some kissing before the big death.

Vince comes by too, of course:

Vince came every day after school, sat by her bed and read to her, passages from the Bible, poetry, magazine articles, novels. If he came to an especially sexy passage, he'd stop and joke, "Now, turn your thumb down if you think your modesty can't take this."

I have to admit I seriously was all "SEXY PASSAGES IN THE BIBLE??" Man, I would have paid more attention during those seven grueling years of Catholic school, if only I'd known! Seriously, though, what the hell is Vince reading?!

So Kara goes back into the hospital and dies, big shocker. Eric can't bring himself to go to her funeral, of course, and of course Vince has to ream him for this when he runs into him visiting Kara's tombstone.

Oh, and I bet you're wanting to know about that last wish, right? Kara's parents invite over Christy, Eric, Elyse, and Vince. Kara has plans for all of them. Christy is to take her share of the money and start medical school. Eric is to get his beat up old car restored. Elyse should go on a shopping spree. Vince should buy a home gym (probably to shield him from the lustful eyes of Eric). Wow, was that anticlimactic for anyone else?

Then Eric and Vince decide to be friends. I bet Eric's gonna be using Vince's home gym, if you know what I mean.