Sex + Wal*Mart = death, or Briana's Gift

You guys, in case you ever worry I don't really love you, I'd like to tell you how I got the next few books I'll be recapping, including this one. I recently left my job, unbeknownst at first to my well-connected friend Kristy, who had just sent off a package containing several Lurlene tomes.

So, yeah, today I had to drive through security, show my old badge, deal with the awk!ward that is the post-employment trip to a former employer, all the while I just hoped and prayed no one had opened up the package before calling me to make sure it didn't contain work materials. (Luckily no one had, or basically I could never talk to any of these people again.)

That's right, people, I went through ALL OF THAT just to retrieve material for this here blog, including both A) one of the most-requested series and B) one of the books I was most eager to read as I was so decidedly certain it would anger me to a boiling rage forcing me to take action in the form of, oh, god, probably just hitting the caps lock key a lot.

That book in question is Briana's Gift (published 2006). Why, Ames, you ask, why were you so predisposed to hypothetical anger? Well, gee, friends, let me tell you!:

Thirteen-year-old Sissy's mother always said that Sissy's sixteen-year-old sister marched to the beat of a different drummer. But it isn't until Briana runs away with an older boy that Sissy begins to understand what her mother meant. When Briana returns home alone and pregnant, Sissy and her mother try to help Briana come to terms with her options.

As if helping Briana make choices weren't complicated enough, things suddenly change again. After Briana becomes critically ill, Sissy's mother sees only one next step, but Sissy feels she must try to persuade her mother to make a different decision. Sissy needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy, and at the holiday season it seems more important than ever. Can Sissy make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THERE IS TEEN PREGNANCY AND A CRITICAL ILLNESS OMGOMGOMG AMAZING.

Wow, total sidenote, you guys, before delving into what an anti-choice and anti-sex nightmare I was convinced this book was after reading only these two paragraphs. I went to Amazon to grab that synopsis - something I always hurry through, lest I notice something like the reviewer who proclaimed Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as "THE BEST BOOK EVER!" - I saw this blurb:

About the Author Lurlene McDaniel is the #1 author of inspirational fiction for young adults. The author lives in Chattanooga, TN.

Wha-aaat? The NUMBER ONE AUTHOR of INSPIRATIONAL FICTION? I mean, let's not profess I'm some expert on the "inspirational" genre, even if I've sat through more than my fair share of faith-based marketing meetings, but just because Lurlene always includes something like "it's okay I'm dying because I get to go meet god and my dead relatives" and a quote from the Bible, does that actually qualify her books as inspirational? I would hope there's more to that label than just, you know, dying a beautiful virgin accepting of her fate (and her virginity).

Also, weirdly enough, the synopsis on Amazon has a different second paragraph, and it's INACCURATE:

It was already complicated to think about Briana's choices and then things change suddenly again. When Briana is in a serious accident, Casey's mother sees things one way. Although Casey understands her mother's reaction, she feels she must try to convince her mother to make a different decision. Casey needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy. Will she be able to make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

Uhhh, Briana isn't IN a serious accident. THE HELL? Was that just a lucky guess from the dude in charge of synopses? He probably spins a wheel when writing these. Teenager, working mother, car accident, guess that's it!

More importantly, though: WHO THE HELL IS CASEY???? Okay, basically this is boggling my little mind. This is apparently off the hardcover edition, so if I ever see it in person, I'm gonna see why the hell the back cover professes that the protag is named Casey. Is her name Casey throughout the whole book? Why did it change? This is CRAZY.

Oh, and here's the beautiful cover:


Wow, this is super ugly! There's an ugly cardigan sweater, an ugly gift I already feel is WAY TOO LITERAL, and the title spelled out via a cutesy baby bracelet. TOO MANY COMPONENTS. Also I know I haven't gotten into it yet, but what is with that Lurlene logo? She's had the cursive name logo hovering over her works for years and years and years now. It must feel good for your name to be a branded logo. I just hope if it ever happens for me that I get a better font.

So right away we meet Sissy, who's fourteen. (I have ALWAYS hated the name Sissy. I know it's a nickname, but, ugh. Sorry to any Sissys out there who may be reading this. It's not you; it's just your name. Kisses!) Her sixteen-year-old sister Briana, like the synopsis tells us, marches to the beat of her own drummer. I don't know if that really means what Lurlene thinks it means. I mean, Briana is just kind of a wild child, smoking and sexing and all of that, it's not like she wears earrings made out of junk food or whatever. Briana's blowing this popsicle stand!

Okay, I don't want to concern you guys for my sanity, which is a subject I now worry about with the unemployment and the hours spent watching TV on DVD with nary a soul in sight who isn't feline or canine, but either Lurlene got a new and improved editor or that whole "writing is a craft that will improve if you keep doing it" thing is true. The dialogue still grates a bit, but some of this prose is sort of good. Okay, decent? Good. It's not choppy, I'm not cringing, and there are bits of description where I'm actually all "ooh, I like what she did there". I KNOW I KNOW I'M SORRY. You want a little? I'll give you a little:

"Where are you going?" I ask. I'm sprawled on the softa watching a cartoon and eating Cheetos. I like the old cartoons; plus, it's a good way to spend a Saturday until Mom makes me do my chores, which wasn't going to happen until she came home from the store. My fingers are covered with orange Cheetos dust and I lick them. [GodDAMN now I want some Cheetos. If my roommate Dawn Rochelle is reading this, pick some up for me on your way home from work.]

Bree scowls. "That's disgusting." She looks out the high glass window of the door. "I'm leaving."

. . .

Bree laughs and kisses [her boyfriend]. She says to me, "Go inside, Sissy."

I'm still wearing my sleep T-shirt and my legs and feet are bare. The cold has sliced right through me and frozen me to the porch.

Bree shoots Jerry an apologetic look, runs back and puts her arms around me. "It'll be all right, Sissy. I know what I'm doing."

I feel all hollow, scared too. I don't want my sister to leave.

"I'll send you postcards."

I stand still, my arms glued to my sides, fighting hard not to cry. I'm careful not to touch her with my disgusting orange fingers.

I'm sorry, you guys, I can't hate on this. It flows so nicely, and for once it seems like a fourteen-year-old is actually narrating, not your kooky old aunt who's convinced she's down with whatever the kids are.

Since Sissy and Briana's dad died long ago in a factory accident, now Sissy and her mom are left alone. Sissy reports that her mom has "this bad kind of arthritis" which, dude, how grateful are you for that description? Has there ever been a girl in the Lurleneverse before, a protagonist, at that, who has a relative with a medical condition and doesn't know every friggin' detail about it? Nope, not that I'm aware of! I swear, had Lurlene written this one ten years earlier there would be three pages devoted to the discovery of the condition, the doctor visits and diagnosis, the treatment, and the prognosis. NOPE JUST ONE SENTENCE OMG LURLENE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU IT'S LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

Sissy's mom isn't really that freaked about all of this. She's all, shrug, whatever, she'll come back. Sissy shouts:

"Call the sheriff, Mom. You can stop them."

Wait, call the... sheriff? What the hell? What fourteen year old busts out with that? Very strange. You're on notice, Lurlene. Luckily Sissy's mom is all, yeah, whatever, as soon as he leaves her, she'll be back. Right now I can't help but love the hell out of Sissy's mom! Sissy's all cute and fourteen about it, saying, "But if they're married..." and her mom's all YEAH THAT'LL MAKE IT LAST.

OH MY GOD REALISTIC UNDERSTANDING OF TEEN MARRIAGE WHO AM I READING AGAIN WHAAAAT!

Ha ha, I don't want to jump for joy TOO much. Once Sissy launches into more expositiony stuff about Bree, she mentions Bree lovvvved teen magazines:

She bought teen magazines about cool kids in cool places and read them for hours.

WHAT IS IT WITH LURLENE AND TEEN MAGAZINES. You people, I have to make a new category, don't I? GodDAMN Lurlene.

Sissy has two best friends, a boy named Stuart Ableman (he's JEWISH!) and Melody Wallace. They seem like normal kids, though Melody's a little shallow and dumb for my taste. I'm sure she's super into teen magazines too. Whatever, I'm not some girl named Sissy. She can pick her own friends.

So guess who's back? That's right, it's Bree! Sissy's all HOLY CRAP but of course their mom barely bats an eyelash. This stuff all seems so friggin' real, you guys, which wigs me out. WHO ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BOOK?

Sissy wants to know why Bree's back, if she's so unhappy there. Uhh, Sissy, have you looked at the housing costs for southern California? Actually, that's not why Bree's back:

Moisture fills her eyes. "I'm pregnant, Sissy. I'm a cliché - barefoot and pregnant, with no place else to go."

Ruh-roh!

Also, the amazing thing is that the chapter ends RIGHT THERE and the next begins with the very next line of dialogue. How Dan fucking Brown of you, Lurlene.

"Pregnant! But you're not married."

I start getting angry at this line BUT--

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I bite my tongue. What a stupid thing to say! I feel my face go flaming red. "Sorry," I say. "I must have had a brain disconnect."

Dude, what an... acceptable reaction. Who are you, ghost writer, and what did you do with my Lurlene?

No one wants to say the a-word, of course:

I've had sex education in school so I know what her options are. I swallow hard. "You're not going to... I mean, you're not thinking about--"

The word you're look for is ABORTION, Sissy. Ha! It's now a name and an insult.

So Sissy goes to hang out with Stu and Melody at the pool, where she runs into some nosy-ass girl from school:

"Do [Stu] and Melody have a thing?"

"A thing?" The question catches me totally off guard.

"You know, are they together? Is he her BF?"

Does anyone actually say "BF" for boyfriend? I thought BF was totes "best friend", as in BFF, yeah? Or am I just getting old?

Anyways, Sissy's not thrilled about these rumors, not liking the gossip OR the possibility. OH MY GOD A NORMAL REACTION TO YOUR BEST FRIENDS POSSIBLY DATING EACH OTHER. You guys, I also just realized the reason this narrative works so much better is it's in first-person, which lends itself really well to the story. Has Lurlene ever written another book in first-person POV? So now we've got better writing than ever and a totally different POV. I'd actually cry out "GHOSTWRITER!" except I feel like if Lurlene was trying to fake us out with some poor sap having to pretend to be her, this book would actually be rife with Lurlene standards. Right? Like the V.C. Andrews oeuvre went from bad to parody under the heavy hand of the ghostwriter.

Man, have I overthought this one.

So Sissy and Bree's mom is totes unhappy about the baby sitch, and is grilling Bree on how she's going to handle this. I think she could be a BIT more supportive, honestly; then again, I didn't raise some wild child who's never handled responsibility well and now thinks she can raise a kid. It's a tricky subject, I'll say that much. No, Bree hasn't proven herself in the past, but she wants to be a mom to this kid; shouldn't she be supported, at least emotionally?

I hate the mom even more when she takes Sissy and Bree to Chattanooga for Bree's first obstetrician appointment:

Mom insists we all go to the exam room, where we meet a woman obstetrician [you know what I call women obstetricians? OBSTETRICIANS!] named Dr. Wehrenberg.

OMG are there any midwesterners reading this? Do you guys remember the old Wehrenberg Theaters theme song? It is so awesomely bad. I wanted you guys to hear (or rehear) it so badly I went to YouTube and searched for it. Please ignore the video content; I've no frigging clue why it features clips from Fred Claus and the Spiderwick Chronicles:



Oh, man, it's so earwormy. Also now I'm homesick. FOR THE PAST.

She gives me a questioning look and Mom says, "I want Sissy to hear what you have to say."

OH MAN I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU, MOM. Putting Bree in this position is so fucking unfair. She's scared enough; let's not make her go through her first appointment with her little sister in the room who is being shown her as an example as what NOT to be. GodDAMN this is wrong. You know, if she wants to talk to Sissy AT SOME OTHER TIME AT SOME OTHER PLACE WITHOUT BREE IN THE ROOM about how obviously difficult this is for Bree and how to prevent this there are all sorts of birth control and also the option of abstinence, FINE, but this is so gross and unfair, and, Bree, I'm so sorry your mom's such a wench.

Bree gets a job at Wal*Mart so she can earn a living, which I guess is as good an option as any in small-town America when you don't even have your high school diploma. At least she's being responsible!! This news spreads fast because small towns are lame and have nothing better to talk about, so Stu mentions to Sissy maybe he'll get a job there over the Christmas holiday, since he's Jewish and he doesn't really, ya know, give a shit. I LOVE THAT LURLENE WROTE A LOVABLE JEWISH CHARACTER! I was afraid he'd either be rife with stereotypes or, ya know, never shut up about the Holocaust, but Lurlene just made him a normal kid. THIS BOOK IS BLOWING MY MIND. Sissy's still jealous and weird every time Stu mentions Melody, which, YAAAAY REALISM. Also, hello, welcome to me as a kid.

Bree luckily gets to go to her next appointment alone, and she comes home thrilled to announce the baby's a girl. How does Mommy McMeanie react?:

"How are you going to take care of her, Briana?"

OH MY GOD JUST SAY ONE NICE THING GEEZ. Of course she calls an adoption agency and sends an agent over to chat with Bree. I am a really big supporter of women getting to have children only WHEN they want, so this makes me angry, because Bree really has come to want this baby, and her mom isn't being cool. I'm not saying Bree's in an ideal position, but, please, there are many worse things than a seventeen-year-old having a baby she really wants.

So, of course, this is the Lurleneverse, albeit a bizarro one, so Bree collapses at work! And, sadly, it isn't just an allergic reaction to working in the most heinous of all the chain stores, she had a brain aneurysm. Lurlene is sooo happy here to get to delve into her comfort zone, the medical fetishism we've all grown to expect. Blah blah, brain dead, blah blah, machines keeping her alive, blah blah blah.

We all know where this is going, yeah? The baby's too young to deliver, so Mommy McMeanie
has to decide whether or not to keep Bree alive long enough for the baby to be born healthy. Oh, man, what a sticky ethical situation. Since the child was really wanted by Bree, I'm okay with Mommy McMeanie deciding to keep Bree on the machines, but of course I'm a little wigged out with women being used only as baby incubators. Like I said, though, this is a situation where, to me, it seems okay. Also, considering Mommy McMeanie's previous feelings on the baby, I think that showed a lot of courage for her.

Mommy McMeanie tells Sissy she can be the one to name the baby, so while out Christmas shopping with the constant-foot-in-her-mouth Melody, Sissy buys a baby name book. Aw, I like this plotline. I mean, not Melody, but didn't many of us have a super-annoying friend at that age who, years later, we recognize as total mess? Naming the baby, though, that's really nice. Of course, I'm a little nervous Mommy McMeanie is just doing this to placate Sissy for now, and the name will be little more than how it goes on the birth certificate before she hands the kid off to some agency-approved set of adoptive parents. Hey, I'm not saying this is particularly a bad option; Sissy's just a kid, and Mommy has rheumatoid arthritis, so the baby is going to make life VERY tough on them. I just don't want to see Sissy's heart broken even more than it already is, with Bree brain dead.

Bree develops an infection, so the baby has to be delivered earlier than optimal. And Bree dies. Man, this is actually sad, you guys! The baby's fighting for her life, and they have a funeral for Bree. After the funeral, Sissy tags along with Stu to a school function, ready for any normalcy to take her mind off of the hell that is her life.

Of course she totes jumps Stu, and he's all THE FUCK? Oh, god, it's so embarrassing and sad; I hoped at least she'd get some smooching to make up for the crapload life has dumped on her, but instead Stu is just nice enough to pretend it never happened. Fine, yeah, this is waaaaay more likely how it actually would go, but I was for once hoping for a nice little only-in-books moment.

Sissy's spending all her spare time at the hospital with the baby, who's luckily, despite her birth into the Lurleneverse, getting healthier and stronger all the time. GO BABY! One day Sissy arrives to find that schemin' adoption agent there. OH NOES YOU GUYS! Actually, why am I rooting for Sissy and her mom to take home this baby? I have totally fallen prey to the mindset of the Lurleneverse! Send help before it's too late!

Because that's not shitty enough, Mel and Stu take her aside to tell her they've actually been going out since the summer. OH MY GOD NOT COOL YOU GUYS. Poor, poor Sissy. If you were real I would totally take you out for some totally unhealthy food, and commiserate because I have soooo been there. Being this age really sucks.

Mommy McMeanie's heart grows three sizes, and the baby comes home for Christmas! Yay!! Mel and Stu chip in to send over a Christmas tree, which helps Sissy get through her anger, sadness, and heartbreak (I mean, as far as they're concerned), and Sissy decides on the name Briana Noel, to be called Noel, for the baby. IT'S KIND OF LOVELY. I seriously can't believe I sort of enjoyed this book.

Just remember, guys, the danger grows: it turns out it isn't just virgins who have to fear death in the Lurleneverse. Beware, my friends, beware!

Don't ever run out of soda, or Somewhere Between Life and Death

Somewhere Between Life and Death (published 1990) is very special, not only because this blog is its namesake, but because one of the main characters is named Amy! AW YEAH.

Back in the day, this book was all on its own:


Um, what the hell is the thing to the left of that girl's face? Is it the floating face of her comatose sister? If so, why does it look more like a puppet wearing a cheap wig? I mean, I've never seen anyone in a coma except on some episode of Chicago Hope; is that how they look?

Anyways, now it's being packaged with its sequel in one convenient volume, the End of Forever!:



Listen, people, my posts are long enough as it is; I'll recap the second book later. Hopefully you can hold your horses in the meantime. Also, this cover makes the book like a normal modern YA book. Like, I'd pick this up, right? I mean, if not for the glaring LURLENE McDANIEL branding across the top.

This is another book I read as a kid, and I remember liking it, though not as much as all the cancer books. To be fair, I'm not sure there's anything I liked more back then than a good cancer book. Coma books hardly stood a chance!

Oops, did I spoil this one for you? Well, here's what the publisher wants to tell you about it:

The celebration isn't supposed to end in tragedy. The night of their high-school drama group's cast party starts out as fun for sisters Amy and Erin.

Their lives come crashing down when Amy takes the car to get more food and has a horrible accident. Erin and her family pray for Amy to awaken from her coma. But as the monitor bleeps and the respirator hisses, Amy lies somewhere between life and death.

Erin and her parents must find the courage to accept the fact that Amy's life-support system will never bring her back. When she dies, can the family give some meaning to her senseless death? Can Amy's dying become the hope for someone else's living?

It is kind of creepy reading a book about a girl with your name who's in a freaking coma!... especially because I was totally that kid who read about a disease/condition and was convinced I had it too. That said, there's not much danger of fearing you're in a coma when you're actually not, so this book was fairly safe.

(Other safe books include those about kids BORN with conditions! Though sometimes, to be honest, I'd worry maybe doctors had just missed my lifelong condition for thirteen years. YOU NEVER KNOW.)

Anyways, of course since this book features siblings, protagonist Erin and her younger sister Amy, we're treated to all the deets of their oppositeness:

Amy flounced on the bed, sending pillows and clothes flying. "One of us is neat and orderly, and one of us isn't." She smiled innocently.

"It's nothing to brag about, you know."

Amy jumped off the bed and hauled Erin next to her in the mirror. "Look at us, Erin. You're tall, blonde, and graceful, and I'm--well--short, round, and fully packed." [FULLY PACKED??? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?] She patted her hips. [OH MY GOD THAT ISN'T HELPING MATTERS.]

Erin tried not to smile. "What's your point?"

"We're different, that's all. You got the looks, talent, and brains, and I got"--Amy tousled her shoulder-length curly dark hair--"dandruff." [EW GROSS AMY.]

Obviously, this is literature of subtlety. Also I'm surprised Amy didn't mention she looks like a floating dollhead. Oh, wait, is that just post-coma? Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

So Erin is a dancer and Amy is an actress (if Lurlene was really going for the polar opposites thing, I would have thought she'd make Erin an aspiring accountant or something, but I guess that'd eff up a bunch of plot points). Amy also volunteers as a clown to cheer up sick kids, and she has a superfantastically hot boyfriend who Erin secretly lusts after. We're probably supposed to help Erin serve some haterade to Amy, because she's too loud and never on time and always blowing off her responsibilities, but, honestly, she sounds like a freaking blast. (Or maybe I'm just showing solidarity with curvy girls named Amy who are way too loud and rarely on time for work.)

So Amy and Erin are working on this performance piece where Amy monologues, Erin dances, and Erin's BFF Shara sings. I don't quite get it, but I have a marketing degree, so take that as you will. Whatever, the whole point is these ladies are all super at what they do! Good work, ladies. I am not good at ANY of those things (okay, I can rock a badass karaoke, but let's be realistic here) so of course I totes envy them. Don't we all!

The performance is a big freaking smash hit (isn't that always the way? smash hit or disaster, nothing in between) and everyone parties it up at the cast party afterwards. WITH SODAS YOU GUYS NOT BEERS THESE ARE GOOD KIDS. They party it up SO MUCH that they RUN OUT of soda OH NOES. Erin is all set to go out and get more, but Amy, who JUST GOT HER LICENSE, begggggggs to go.

Do you guys remember those days? Man, back when I was sixteen, there was nothing I didn't want to drive to. You could have said "Hey, Ames, there's a big line of killer bees flying up from Mexico" and I would have DRIVEN TO THEM because HELLO I just got my license! And nowadays I do things like calling for delivery because driving five minutes to pick up a burger is waaaaay too much work.

Anyways, Erin's all MISS RESPONSIBLE and doesn't see why Amy should go, because:

1. It's Erin's car.
2. It's RAINING out.
3. Amy is NOT an experienced driver.
4. Erin is a big ol' stick in the mud who doesn't want anyone else doing ANYTHING THAT MIGHT BE FUN FOR THEM.

But finally, as always, Erin relents, and Amy is off on her merry way to get more soda. YAY SODA! You guys, you know I'm getting old and lame, because sometimes all I really do want at a party is a nice can of soda.

The party, uh, rages on into the night, and guess who shows up? AMY'S HOT BOYFRIEND. Apparently he was just going to pick her up awhile into the party; Erin is soooo pissed about this. Listen, Erin, if you had the option of being the last one to leave a party or cuttin' loose with the hottest boy in school, what would you do? Also, I'm sorry, I hate staying for a whole party. Get there, hang out for awhile, mingle, LEAVE. Geez, Erin, this is not awful of Amy.

Amy doesn't return in a timely manner though! YOU GUYS I SAW THE COVER OF THE BOOK SO I'M THINKING THINGS AREN'T GONNA TURN OUT WELL. Of course no one worries at first because, c'mon, it's Amy, she's never on time. But the time ticks by, and people get a little panicky. AND THEY SHOULD BECAUSE:

A blast of wind and rain blew in with a short, plump woman. [Uh, that's basically the best sentence I've read in forever. I wish every time I entered a room that I'd bring in a blast of wind and rain. Could that be my superpower? AWESOME.]

Erin blinked. "Inez!" she cried, recognizing her mother's sales assistant from the boutique. [Oh, yeah, Erin and Amy's mom owns a clothing boutique; this is more important in the next book. I'm glad she has a full-time job though! Of course, it's a total LADY job. Whatever. This is an improvement.] "What are you doing here?"

Inez wrung her hands and grabbed Erin by the forearms. She was crying. "Erin, there's been an accident."

"Mom and Dad?" Erin almost gagged. ["Gagged"? That is a weird-ass reaction. Also, hello, Erin, at this point haven't you been freaking out about, let's see, A) the weather, B) Amy's lack of driving experience, and C) the fact that Amy's been gone forfuckingever at this point? And yet you think this is about YOUR PARENTS?]

"They're at County's emergency room. It's Amy, Erin. Amy's been in a terrible wreck."

So things really don't look good for Amy. This book isn't too big on the medical fetishism but they do explain the Glasgow test, which is how they measure status in coma patients:

"What's a Glasgow test?"

Ellie showed Erin the paper with numbers neatly written in small boxes. "It's a standard for measuring a comatose patient's progress."

"Progress? But she never moves."

Ellie smiled. "Let me explain. We take temperature, pulse, and blood pressure. We check respiration -- in Amy's case she's on a ventilator -- and we do a few neurological tests and grade her on a scale."

"Like what?"

"For instance, we chart whether or not her eyes open. 'Spontaneously' equals a four, while 'none' equals a one." Ellie pointed to the bottom of the chart where the criteria was printed. "On 'Verbal Response' -- you know, whether she reacts when you talk to her -- there's a scale of one to five, with five being 'oriented' and meaning fully conscious, and one meaning 'no response'. For 'Motor Response' a five means she 'obeys commands', and a one means 'no response'."

Oh, man, that is the Lurlene McDaniel I loved! MY MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY, LET ME SHOW YOU IT. Always a relief to get some hardcore medical textbook info out of a young adult novel. Hello, why else did I read these back then?

(Sadly, I am not really kidding.)

So it goes on for a bit with Amy still in the coma, and Erin hanging around the hospital just, ya know, waaaaaaaiting. For anyone who's ever had a family member in the hospital, this part is actually pretty realistic; there's more waiting and stressing and worrying and hoping and bargaining than actual, you know, medical stuff.

But, of course, while waiting in the ICU waiting room Erin has this AMAZING encounter!:

"Sorry I didn't mean to scare you," the girl said. "I'm Beth Clark, and I saw you come in the other night."

Erin mumbled a self-conscious greeting and wished Beth would go away.

"Why are you here?" Beth asked.

Erin told her then realized that it was only fair to ask, "And why are you here?"

Beth stared off in the distance. "It's my mother." Her gaze found Erin's again. "She's dying, and her only hope is if somebody else dies before she does."

That is the CHAPTER END PEOPLE. How amazing is that?

In case you were thinking Beth's mom's life depends on murder or something, it turns out she actually just needs a kidney transplant. That makes more sense, though it's less interesting. Wait, is this FORESHADOWING???

So Travis, the hot boyfriend, stops by to see Amy but of course, being a normal kid, freaks out a bit and can't take it. He runs off and won't return. Erin is pisssssssssed. The thing is, I'm with both of them. I doubt that in high school I would have handled this particularly well, but in Erin's shoes I wouldn't have thought well of Travis at all. Yeah, realism again! This book is actually decent with that.

So Amy had a clown gig scheduled to cheer up sick kids, and Erin decides to be a good sister and follow through with it. Of course she doesn't know what she's doing, but she gets dressed in Amy's clown clothes and clown makeup and shows up. There she meets a dude clown named David (this is SUPER IMPORTANT FOR NEXT TIME GUYS REMEMBER THIS) and they do a great job!!! The clown stuff is kind of cringe-worthy-cheesy, but only because I always think that of clown stuff. I mean, is there an adult who doesn't? Whatever, it's cute, Erin's out of her comfort zone for a good reason, and David is sweet and good with kids, two qualities I tend to like in boys.

Amy is getting worse, not better, and everyone's pretty mopey about it. I don't blame them! It totally sucks. But Beth's mom lucks out because SOMEONE DIES so she gets a kidney AW YEAH. But that is the ONLY good news in the Lurleneverse. An organ donation organization rep shows up to talk to Erin and fam about taking Amy off of life support and donating her organs.

Guess who's not cool with this?

"Retrieve?" Erin said the word bitterly. "Is that what you call killing somebody so you can take their organs?"

I don't know how I feel about this. I mean, I get the whole point of having Beth in the book is so Erin learns how freaking AWESOME organ donation is. So how realistic is it that now she's all "OH HELLLLL NO THAT'S DISGUSTING YOU BEASTS"? Then again, I give her some leeway because she is really just now really understanding that Amy isn't coming back, isn't getting better, isn't doing anything but lying there hooked up to machines forever. I guess I just wish Lurlene would have dwelt more on the "I THINK AMY IS ACTUALLY GOING TO BE FINE" aspect than "YOU AWWWWWFUL BODY-SNATCHERS!!!!!" because I don't think it fits with what the book's been leading up to.

On top of all this, Erin discovers hot Travis is taking ANOTHER GIRL to the big dance. Ugghhhh, this kind of makes me hate on you, Travis, even though I totes get it. If you're ready to move on, great, but maybe not so publicly?

Erin handles it reaaaally badly:

While she waited, she carefully plotted her strategy. Travis lived in a fine old house on Bayshore Drive. When he pulled into his driveway, she'd call to him and make him cross to the bay side of the street, where she'd confront him. They'd be alone, and she'd say everything that was on her mind. He was a louse and a creep, and she'd make him pay for abandoning Amy.

When his headlights turned into the driveway, her mouth went dry, but the hard, cold knot of anger gave her the courage to call to him. Travis hesitated, so she called again, then watched as he jogged hesitantly across the deserted avenue.

"Erin?" he asked, coming closer. "What are you doing here?"

"I want to talk to you."

"Now? It's one in the morning. How long have you been waiting?"

"Never mind. Did you have a good time at the dance?" Her question was laced with acid.

. . .

"You don't know, do you? If you'd been up to see her, you'd know that yesterday they declared her brain dead."

For an instant he looked as if he might be sick, and Erin stepped back, rubbing her arms and feeling confused. It was the reaction she'd wanted, wasn't it? Hadn't she come to hurt him? He said, "I--I didn't know."

"Well, with your big date with Cindy and all, I can see how it might have slipped by you." She reached inside her jacket and extracted the teddy bear [he'd given Amy previously]. "Here's a little something I thought you'd like to have back," she said, holding the bear toward him. "Maybe Cindy would want it."

Travis knocked the bear from her hand, then turned and braced his hands on the cement railing. "You've got a mean mouth, Erin." [OH MY GOD A MEAN MOUTH I TOTALLY WANT TO SAY THIS TO SOMEONE NOW! Okay, let's be honest: I want someone to say this to me. New goal, yay!]

She wanted to leave him alone to think about how he'd wronged her sister, but her feet suddenly felt like lead weights. "I told them that they weren't going to cut up my sister and give her away. I said that I didn't care what their stupid tests showed, I wasn't giving up on my sister." She paused. "Like some people have."

The thing is, this is totally the kind of crazy-ass mentally-unhinged thing I would do. OH MY GOD DID I JUST RELATE TO A LURLENE McDANIEL CHARACTER?

Luckily at this point Erin's parents help her to realize what's going on with Amy, for real, and they come to the mutual decision to remove Amy from life support and donate her organs. There's a nice memorial ceremony for Amy, and everyone's as peaceful as they could be about it.

And while I'd hardly call this a literary wonder, I must say that I didn't hate this book. It's sort of boring in stretches, and the dialogue makes me criiiiiiiiinge, but I related to both Amy AND Erin, and no one suggested anything like WELL MAYBE IF AMY AND ERIN'S MOM DIDN'T HAVE A JOB AMY WOULD NEVER HAVE DIIIIIED, and when the protagonist is being a brat, she's called out on it and learns her lesson. I can't believe I'm saying this but... thumbs up?

Everyone's a little bit racist, or Baby Alicia Is Dying

Baby Alicia is Dying (published 1993) has the distinction of being the first Lurlene book I read first as an adult, never as a teenager. My friend Kristy, who has amazing access to things such as Lurlene masterpieces, gifted it upon me, but under one condition: "I want a full review of the Of Course The Black Baby Has HIV book".

Desi thinks it's totally unfair that innocent baby Alicia was born HIV positive. Now the eight-month-old Alicia lives at Childcare because she was given away by her sick teenage mother. Desi can relate to feeling unloved. Her parents give her all the material things she needs, but there seems to be a wall between her mother and herself.

Working at Childcare has opened Desi's heart and allowed her to feel the love that she's been longing for. But Alicia is not her child and there is no cure for her condition. Can Desi cope with the harsh realities and still believe in love?

Like, oh my god, you guys, totally unfair! I am always onboard with a book that employs Valley-speak in its synopsis. Let's jump in together!

Who's our plucky and perfect protagonist this time around? Hello, Desi, you've sure got a weird name! Oh, it's short for Desila? Yeah, that makes it better. (You know who else would totes name their protagonist Desi? I'm looking at you, Sarah Dessen. You haven't done it yet, but I bet you want to, I mean, seriously, Remy? Shut up.)

Desi's big sister Val (thankfully short for Valerie, and not Valkyrie or whatever else you believed possible once you witnessed Desila in print) is going off to college on a tennis scholarship. This is because Val is a dumbass, whereas Desi is a science genius! Have you noticed in all the books you read as a kid that this is how you tell siblings apart? Elizabeth was punctual and Jessica DIDN'T EVEN WEAR A WATCH THAT WHORE. Claudia loved art and had some sort of learning disorder while Janine wore career-wear from Talbots and aced her LSATs or whatever at fifteen.

Like, right off the bat, we learn that Desi and Val's mom only loves Val. Okay, this is so weird, right? What the hell kind of childhood did Lurlene have? I have known a lot of people with some royally effed-up homelives, but the consistency of moms who just don't really like their kids in McDaniel books is fucking astounding. I mean, this is only my second recap, and the second to feature a mom who isn't really that interested in her kid. At least this one doesn't make any mention of "pretty clothes", though Desi's mom IS an interior designer!! OF COURSE SHE IS. What a good job for a lady!

Desi also randomly exposits that there was a middle child, a baby boy, but he died at a very early age from SIDS. Okay, Desi Downer, way to bring down the party.

Desi's only fourteen, and her parents want to stay with Val for the whoooooooooole first week of college. (??? Did anyone's parents do this? I commuted to my university, so I've no idea what's normal, so please speak up if your parents hung around your campus for a week and totally cramped your style.) Desi's pissed, and rightfully so in my opinion, because she's starting high school the same week, and she wants her parents around! I've got your back here, Desi; Val doesn't need them sniffing around campus once her crap's been dropped off and they give her some cash or a credit card, while starting high school is generally easier if your parents are around.

Anyways, that's really all just convenient plotting so that Desi can spend some time with her Aunt Clare who is a spinster! Aunt Clare actually seems pretty cool, bcause unlike her sister, Desi's mom, she likes Desi! So Aunt Clare wants to show Desi her new project, and of course Desi wants to check that shit out.

The new project turns out to be Atlanta's ChildCare House. Desi sees plenty of cute babies who were all born with HIV and also most of them with DRUG ADDICTIONS and then ABANDONED by their crappy moms. The babies are also all African-American or Hispanic, because you know what white people never ever do? DRUGS OR BABY-ABANDONMENT. Oh my god this part makes me so angry you guys! Let's watch all these fantastic white folk swoop in to rescue all the hopeless and helpless minority babies.

Okay, so Desi falls in love with Alicia right off the start. She's the cutest baby in the whole entire world, and she is sooooo sweet around Desi, and of COURSE she has HIV. Her stupid mom just LEFT HER. Let's spend some time, Desi and other ChildCare volunteers, talking about this shitty mom who just WALKED AWAY from her baby! GodDAMN, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, right? I think it's pretty safe to say Lurlene would call herself pro-life, so shouldn't these volunteers be singing the praises of a woman who got knocked up, didn't want the kid, and still brought it to term and gave it up? Isn't that what you would have wanted? Or does that only apply to drug-free white people? Lurlene, you've got me so riled up now.

Desi isn't wild about high school. She rarely gets to see her best friend Corrine, though it's confusing because apparently they have the same lunch period, they're both just really busy? Ames, stop trying to apply logic within the Lurleneverse. Anyways, at first Desi is all excited about her Biology class (remember, she's a science genius!!) but then she finds out the fast-track Frosh have to take the same class as the held-back Sophs. Hi, Desi, welcome to high school and SHUT UP. This is what Desi has to say about her lab partners (bolding mine):

The teacher, Mr. Redding, arrived as the tardy bell sounded. He took attendance and assigned lab partners. Since there was an uneven number of kids, Desi found herself in a threesome. [OH MY GOD LURLENE THANK YOU.] She was grouped with a girl, Shaundra Johnson, and a boy, Brian Connley. Desi thought that Shaundra wore too much eye makeup and that Brian didn't look like a "serious" student.

Screw you, Desi, I wear way too much eye makeup, and I graduated with departmental honors! Also I bet I didn't look like a "serious" student. Also why is "serious" in scare quotes? Does that mean something else in the Lurleneverse?

Whatever, though, Desi doesn't care about school, she cares about AIDS babies! She's spending all her spare time with them, a fact which doesn't please her mother upon her glorious return from Val's college. There's lots of arguing between Desi's mom, Aunt Clare, and Desi, but somehow Desi and Aunt Clare prevail, and Desi gets to keep helpin' out.

People start avoiding Desi at school, including Corinne, and Shaundra even drops out of the class! Listen, I'd like to say "BECAUSE DESI IS FRICKIN' STUPID SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON" but the truth is that hopefully all reasonable people wouldn't suspect because they work with AIDS babies that people would fear them and run from them and think they could catch AIDS from them. Sadly, this is not the case in this book (and probably in real life, at times, too). (To be fair, maybe Shaundra actually just needed more time to put on eye makeup.)

This doesn't stop Desi, or even make her falter in her desire to help out, which, okay, means I stop hating on her a little. I do like YA heroines who don't crumble under peer pressure. She finds an unlikely ally in Brian, who is chill to her about the AIDS stuff, and promises to pull his share so they can get a good grade in Biology.

Oh, also, this isn't that important a plot point, but Val visits home and is all pale and tired, and I totes thought she got AIDS too! Or leukemia! Or... diabetes? I mean, hello, we're living in the Lurleneverse, people don't just get pale! But apparently it's just because she's working too hard at the tennis and at the studying to be healthy. Damn, tricked by Lurlene! I guess there's a first time for everything.

OH NO BAD NEWS. Alicia's filthy disease-ridden drug-doin' mommy wants to see her. THE NERVE. Because Desi is a nosy beotch, she gets Brian to help her trail the social worker dropping Alicia off for her visit, and they spy on poor Alicia's mommy. Apparently Alicia's mommy is the same age or so as Desi, which totes shocks her!! Finally between Brian's protests and her own conscience, Desi leaves the scene of the spy, whew.

OH CRAP MORE BAD NEWS. Alicia's sick! She's in the hospital! People, you're reading a Lurlene McDaniel book, you so know how this one's goin' down. Desi, unaware of her location in the Lurleneverse, hopes Alicia will recover. Oh, Desi, for god's sake, check the title of the book! This doesn't surprise ANY OF US.

Brian totally comforts her without hitting on her, which is actually pretty cool, all things considered. Sorry I keep bringing her up, but if this were a Sarah Dessen book Desi and Brian would be makin' out by now. Anyways, he's great, but he does refuse to do their science project about AIDS. This pisses off Desi (it would have me too, please, that's an easy A!) until she learns Brian's uncle died of AIDS. I'll let him tell you guys about it:

"Ever since my uncle died from it, two years ago." Brian was staring down at his hands.

"Why didn't you tell me? I would have understood."

"Would you? My uncle was gay. He loved men. [I am so freaking glad you cleared up what gay means, Lurlene!] He caught AIDS from having unprotected sex, and he died."

A newspaper writes a big story about ChildCare, and all of a sudden everyone's cool with Desi working there. Even Desi's mom is finally NICE, and she sits with Desi at the hospital while, ya know, baby Alicia is dying. She also has a big confession for Desi. After losing baby number two to SIDS, she threw herself into Val's life, trying not only to make up for the son she lost but the life she'd always wanted. (OF COURSE SHE WANTED TO BE A TENNIS STAR; THAT IS A NICE LADYLIKE SPORT.) So then she got pregnant accidentally with Desi, and tried never to get attached so that if Desi died it'd be cool. OH MY GOD YOU ARE A SHITTY MOM!

So Alicia does her part in fulfilling the title of the book and actually dies. Everyone's sad! They go to the funeral! Guess who's there? Filthy whore mom! I really didn't think I'd be MORE offended at this point, but here we go (bolding mine).

"I don't want you to be thinking I was a bad mama. I loved my little girl. I couldn't take care of her 'cause I was sick for a long time. I'm not using drugs no more, and the doctors... well... they got me taking AZT and other medicine to keep my sickness in control."

With a sinking feeling, Desi realized that Sherrie was as infected with HIV as Alicia had been. [She's just fucking realizing this? I thought you were a science genius, Desi!] As Brian's uncle had been. The fact that the girl had cleaned up her life wasn't going to take away the terrible illness that faced her. Desi swallowed hard and mumbled, "I'm glad for you."

"I don't want you thinking that I meant to give my baby AIDS either."

"I never figured you did."

The wind blew Sherrie's short hair, and she reached up and poked it behind her ears. [POKED IT?] "I've been getting myself back together. I'm going back to high school this summer." She held her head high, as if proud of her choice.

Where to begin? The shit grammar? The fact that we should all giggle that whore mom is proud of going back to high school? Hell, she has HIV (or AIDS) and obviously has no support from her family, and she's going to suck it up and try to get her diploma? THAT'S AWESOME. WHORE MOM I AM PROUD OF YOU.

Oh, yeah, so time flashes forward, but Desi isn't volunteering anymore because she can't bear to lose another baby! I guess I can understand that. Her and her mom have patched things up because, get this, HER MOM IS GOING TO SWITCH TO WORKING PART-TIME ONLY. Apparently this is the way, kids, this is how you fix a broken mother-daughter relationship. Geez, women, if you would just STAY HOME and TEND TO YOUR KIDS then things would be fine. This book isn't quite as disgusting on the subject as, say, Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, but, still, gross.

Desi stops by ChildCare to plant a rosebush to memorialize Alicia, and discovers her mom has interior-decorated the crap out of the place! Now it's all super-nice! Also, Brian takes care of the gardening. (In this book we should really be grateful a white person does the gardening, lemme tell you.) So of course Desi goes inside, and sees all the cute babies that need her, and she's going to keep volunteering. Everyone gets a happy ending!... as long as you're white, female, disease-free, and working part-time only.