Boring zzzzzzsong, or One Last Wish: Mourning Song

Let's turn our attention to one of the earlier books in the One Last Wish series, Mourning Song (published 1992). I totally read this one, and since I don't have any memories of it, I'm assuming even then I found it a little bit as boring as I did this time around. Oh my god, you guys, this was like Dawn Rochelle-level boring with even more BORING!

Here's the new/current cover:


Uhhhh why are the girls Photoshopped on top of each other, all... magically? It's creepy! I don't understand; if there isn't room to show both of them, maybe they don't need to be SO LARGE or maybe one could stand in front. Maybe this book is about the disease of invisibility? Or teleporting? Beam me up, Lurlene. STUPID COVER.

I can't find a picture of the edition I have, but it's boring so you guys will live, trust me. By the way, I have lived in my house for over a year and a half, and I still can't find the cable that connects my scanner to my computer. Maybe if I move again it'll show up! That said, you guys really aren't missing anything, believe you me.

Oh, so what's this one about? LET ME TELL YOU IT:

You don't know me, but I know about you.... I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

It's been months since Dani Vanoy's older sister Cassie has been diagnosed as having a brain tumor. And now the treatments aren't helping. Dani is furious that she is powerless to help her sister, and she can't even convince her mother to take the girls on the trip to Florida that Cassie has always longed for. Then Cassie receives an anonymous letter and check. Dani knows she can never make Cassie well, but against all odds she dares to make Cassie's dream come true.

Oh, yeah, rare, but in this book, our protag is not the dying girl. CRAZINESS. Can you guys cope? Let's hold onto each other and get through it TOGETHER.

So like the synopsis said, Dani's sister Cassie has a brain tumor and isn't getting better. In fact, she's dying, but their mom doesn't want her to know. WTF! Stupid parenting. By the way, because I haven't yet detailed enough of my childhood issues to you guys, I read enough books like this when I was little to sometimes wonder if I had a bad disease and my parents just weren't telling me. Considering I just had a normal amount of checkups and other doctor appointments, I'm not sure how I even though this was possible. Such was the depth of my illness fixation though. I guess I can thank Lurlene for this one too. Dear Lurlene, please provide me an address so I can forward you my therapy bills.

Also, Cassie's doctor is their mom's boyfriend from college (their policeman dad was killed in the line of duty when the girls were little), which, uh, is that really okay? They are totally OBVIOUSLY dating again. I don't think that's exactly ethical. New doctor!

The unethical doc tells them, in terms of treatment:

"At the very best, all we can do is retard the tumor's growth."

There's gotta be a better way to say that.

Cassie is all depressed because she missed her senior trip to Florida, being busy dying of a brain tumor and all. She is super into the ocean! She makes Dani watch some boring nature special on TV about loggerhead turtles. I can't mock because I'm always watching random educational programming on TV; isn't that the point of having cable? I mean, obviously, besides America's Next Top Model marathons?

At school Dani's all depressed, but gets cheered up by her hot friend Austin. I wish that had happened whenever I'd gotten depressed at school! I didn't even HAVE a hot friend Austin!

Back at the hospital, Cassie asks Dani if she wants to know a secret, and of course she does! Who among us can resist the allure of a good secret? Anyways, obviously you've seen the title of the book, so you should know the secret is the One Last Wish letter (you can go to this recap to read all of it). Cassie isn't sure yet what she wants to do with it.

Dani suggests to her mom that the three of them go to Florida because it's one of Cassie's dreams, and obviously Cassie doesn't have a lot of time left for fulfilling dreams. Wow, I bet you guys are really wondering what on earth that money's gonna get spent on! Her mom says no, that Cassie needs to stay in the hospital and get all the treatments she can. I can't necessarily say I'd disagree in her shoes; you'd probably feel like your kid would be the one to beat the odds (or get fondled by some magic angel).

Dani plots out a plan to take Cassie to Florida, and enlists Austin to help. Obviously they have to sneak Cassie out of the hospital to make this happen. I don't know how I feel about this. Like, yeah, Cassie is dying, and their mom is being really hard-headed about this, but, uh, if she'd come clean to Cassie about the fact that she's dying and then let Cassie make this choice, it would be best. Cassie getting taken from the hospital without any care on the way there and while there isn't exactly genius planning! Everyone in this book is pretty dumb, honestly. I know, you guys are shocked!

So they sneak Cassie out and begin the drive down. They have to do crazy stuff like drive by night and camp by day so that they won't get followed or whatever. I can't believe stuff like this happens in the book and yet it is still so mindnumbingly boring. Even when Austin finds out the police are looking for them, I'm not interested.

During the drive, obviously Dani and Austin have lots of time to talk. He admits that because he's a minister's son, kids can treat him differently, and he hates that.

"Is that why you wear your hair long?"

"Maybe. I'd get an earring, but Dad would croak."

Oh, Austin, you rebel you!

Finally the kids make it to Florida! Cassie is thrilled to see the ocean! Cassie is also thrilled to read in the paper that a loggerhead turtle release is going to happen there soon! Austin's all BORING but Dani lets him know this is Super! Important! to Cassie. Goddamn, these turtles are like the only VAGUELY interesting thing in the whole frigging book.

Cassie wants to have fun, so she takes Dani to a bridal boutique where they pretend Cassie is getting married and she's the maid of honor. Even though the salesperson offers Cassie an option of dress colors, she's all NO OF COURSE I WANT TO WEAR WHITE. Ugh ugh ugh! I think I need a new category for posts, you guys, with all this fucking white worship. Of course the girls look lovely, and it's SO SAD because OBVIOUSLY Cassie is going TO DIE and therefore NOT GET MARRIED which is OBVIOUSLY the most important thing a girl could ever do!

The salesperson is SO AWFUL. I know this was written just so we could all go OH IF ONLY YOU KNEW STUPID SALESLADY but OMG:

"I know just how you feel, my dear," [the salesperson] assured her. "It isn't easy losing a sister. But getting married is the natural order of things. People start new lives. It's inevitable."

Okay, besides the whole fact that NO IT IS NOT INEVITABLE PEOPLE OFTEN DON'T GET MARRIED IT IS NOT ACTUALLY REQUIRED BY LAW, what the hell is with this whole "LOSING A SISTER" business? I hate you, salesperson. Like, lots.

After this outing, Cassie reveals to Dani that she knows she's dying. Dani's all "HOW?" and Cassie is nice enough not to say something like "BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT YOU IDIOT." Ugh. I am so over all of you characters.

So Austin says it's time for Dani to call her mom, and like a good lady, Dani listens to the man and does so. Actually, it totally IS time, but, ugh. Her mom shows up WITH THE UNETHICAL DOCTOR though that's good because at least he can treat Cassie's growing pain. Everyone argues a bunch, but it all gets resolved OF COURSE.

The fam goes to Disney World, where Dani gets all freaked out by the fucking Haunted Mansion. I know Lurlene is trying to be all deep with thoughts of the afterlife and all but OH MY GOD THE FUCKING HAUNTED MANSION? If there's anything NOT scary, it's the Haunted Mansion. I've never visited it, you know, with a dying relative, but I'm pretty morbid AND easily frightened, and yet I have never had so much of an eerie thought there.

Cassie goes blind and is nearly paralyzed, so it's time for her to go to the hospital. Unethical doctor can't treat her, since he's out of state, but he can act as a consult. Dude, you should have left this case the second you started sleeping with the mom, that's all I'm saying. Whatever.

So of course Cassie dies, NONSHOCK! Dani persuades her mom to stay a little longer in Florida to watch the loggerhead turtles, for Cassie's sake. They do, and everyone lives happily ever after. As happily ever after as you can, after your family member just dies at a young age from a brain tumor!

Grow up, good god, you're already SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, or Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever

It is time to pick up where we left off with our ACTUALLY FAIRLY INTELLIGENT AND SEMI-REALISTIC heroines Melissa and Jory in the sequel to Too Young to Die, Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever (published 1989).

I sort of want to start this review with like ten disclaimers. Or maybe five. Okay, one.

For some reason, despite the bizarre sexual nature combined with the anti-sex nature and the creepy brother stuff and the thought that saying yes to sex means saying no to success and the idea that rich people can't parent, I REALLY LOVE THESE TWO BOOKS.

I am so sorry, you guys. I'm not proud. I have no explanation. It's just a fact. Basically I just wish someone else had written these books so we'd keep the basic plot but lose, ya know, the "morality" lessons.

So what's it about? Let me fill you in:

Jory Delaney has always had lots of money. But there's one thing she knows she cannot buy--and that's her best friend Melissa's life. Although Melissa's leukemia is in remission, it's hard for both girls to hold on to the possibility of a very bright future. When Melissa's health begins to deteriorate, Jory watches her friend's courageous battle and is overwhelmed by a sense of loss. Distanced from her parents, Jory grows closer to Melissa's mother and older brother, Michael, as they give each other untold strength in the face of tragedy. As she grapples with the unfairness of Melissa's imminent death, can Jory find a way to turn her anger into the hope and inspiration that Melissa wanted to leave behind?

Wow, thanks for spoiling about three-quarters of the book, marketing department!

Here is the book cover I grew up with:


Some observations: this book cover is sort of misleading. Secondly, Michael and Jory have some nice asses on them. Thirdly, Michael looks a bit like young Scott Baio. Jory sure wants Charles in charge of her, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The next edition of the book looks like this:


Uh, way to make everyone less attractive, marketing geniuses! Also I hate the creepy way the flowers are Photoshopped on top of them, especially on poor unattractive Jory. When was the last time she washed her hair? Gross.

The book opens with Jory and her mom fighting about the family vacation to Europe. Jory's mom, the bitch, wants her to go, while Jory wants to stay in town. Her mom's all I ALREADY LET YOU GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL WITH "A BUNCH OF RIFFRAFF" THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS THIS. God, I wish these were the kinds of fights I had with my mom when I was seventeen! Gee, Mom, please don't make me go tour those castles!

Jory's mom is mad because she hasn't filled out any of her college applications yet, and it's already the June before her Senior year. Wait, does anyone fill them out that early who isn't going for early admission? I mean, I started out at a really shitty community college, but I know when I went back to real school that I applied sometime in the spring to start in the fall. I know my grad school deadline this year was February to start in September. So way to panic over nothing, Jory's mom. She hates that Jory's so aimless, especially with so much money at her disposal. Okay, Jory isn't exactly the most driven person in the world... BUT SHE'S SEVENTEEN. I had tons of dreams at seventeen but they were all pretty ill-advised and I turned out okay! I mean, I get that there's all sorts of weird pressures on you when you're facing your Senior year, but, man, you've got all the time in the world (unless you have leukemia OBVS). Poor Jory. I mean, I wouldn't have turned down that castle-touring trip, but I've got your back on everything else.

This is probably just how Lurlene thinks rich families behave. Like, I'm not saying there aren't different stresses when one has to be concerned with the community and status and the future of your child who has never had to do anything on her own up until now, but, ugh. This prejudice against the wealthy/upper-class is so lame, Lurlene, so tired and old and lame. Did some rich people, like, beat you up at some point? What started this? You seriously could use some therapy to deal with this.

Jory goes over to Melissa's, where there's a bunch of exposition about Melissa being a genius and on the Brain Bowl and all that jazz. Also there's a dude on the Brain Bowl named Lyle who often asks about Jory. I don't care but I guess I'm supposed to. Melissa also wants Jory to get serious about her future. Man, none of us, even the so-called serious ones, wanted anyone serious about their future the summer before Senior year! Mostly we just wondered who'd be dating who and how heinous our classes would be, and if open lunch was as awesome as it seemed. (It was.)

Michael comes into the room, of course, shirtless and hottttttt, chugging milk and eating powdered-sugar donuts. Ever since Flowers in the Attic there is nothing appealing about those donuts to me. He's bitching about "female chatter" and "little girls" and I am so over you, Michael, yet again. Sexism isn't cute, nor are breakfast items found in books about incest.

Jory takes Melissa to the clinic, and afterwards Melissa wants to go to this secluded place which is where Ric was all UR HAI-MEN LET ME RID U OF IT. Melissa tells Jory about this but says it wouldn't have been right for her. Jory says she's been slapping boys' hands away forever. For a so-called party girl, that's a little surprising. I guess even the feisty BFF can't slut it up in the Lurleneverse. ARGH.

The next morning our ladies get up early to help Michael with his hot air ballooning. Melissa's got it planned to let Jory go up with him for the first time, but of course Michael brings along a girlfriend and Jory's devastated. I know I should probably make fun of Jory for being so hung up on such a pointless case, but I've been there. I get it!

Jory wants to throw a party, and her mom will only let her if she promises to attend important events with the family. She agrees, even to letting her mom select appropriate dates for each. That sounds terrible; I'm not sure any party is worth that. Still, the party goes on, but Melissa's all mopey there, and Jory follows her away from the crowd. As they often do, they talk about sex:

Melissa turned her face toward Jory. Her eyes were dark hollows and her skin looked pale, ethereal. "God decided that you're going to be rich and famous."

"No kidding? And I just thought I had to figure out what to do over the rest of the school year." She smiled nervously and pushed her hair behind her ear. "What did He decide for you?"

A wry smile hovered on Melissa's lips. She leaned sideways and whispered from the corner of her mouth. "That I'll go to my grave a virgin."

Jory laughed at Melissa's sudden turn to humor. "Not if Tony Perez has anything to say about it, you won't."

Melissa sobered and pulled the luxurious length of hair over her shoulder and stroked it. "Last spring, when Ric asked me to go to bed with him, it was the funniest feeling. [Like when you climbed the ropes in gym class?] I mean, I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to know what it felt like. To be with a guy that way." Jory squirmed in the sand. She'd seen enough movies and read enough books to have wondered the same thing. [Wait, "squirmed"? What, is she all hot and bothered and sex-curious? WTF!] "But in the end, I decided I wanted more than to just satisfy my curiosity. I wanted to be in love."

[Wait, Melissa, that is a total lie. Actually you didn't think you could have sex AND achieve your goals! If that had been the reason you'd given Ric, I would have been ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ON YOUR SIDE.]

Bewildered, Jory still couldn't figure out where the conversation was leading. "I guess we all want to be in love before we try making love. I know I do."

Before they "try" making love? It's not really something you sample, Jory.

Unfortunately, Melissa is mopey for a reason: her leukemia has returned. Dammit! Not that we didn't all see that coming, not just from the synopsis, but from her best friend narrating.

Melissa is going to have a bone marrow transplant, since she's lucky to have a brother who is a good match. Finally, Michael is good for something!

Melissa goes into the hospital to prepare for the transplant, and Jory is totally falling apart, of course. Lyle calls her to see if she wants to go out, and she agrees because being home sucks. He reveals that his mother had cancer, and tries to give her some coping ideas. She isn't having any of it, and he's a bit pissed she agreed to go out with him when clearly she didn't want to. Well, you're the one who follows her around school and calls her, even though she's never expressed interest, Lyle, so maybe this is your fault too.

Jory waits at the hospital the day of the transplant, with Melissa and Michael's mom, who says she thinks of Jory as one of her own and is so grateful she's in Melissa's life. Aw! As much as I hate the tired clichés of Jory's rich parents, I do love that Jory has a real relationship within Melissa's family. Of course, the moment is ruined when Melissa's mom mentions she's glad Jory stopped wearing blue nail polish, and Jory chalks it up to one of her phases. ARGH. Why do you have to be so mature and grown-up at SEVENTEEN? Also blue is a completely acceptable nail polish color, one of only three colors I wear on my toes. And I am grown-up, dammit!

I know this is totally a tangent but egads this is another one of my pet peeves. There is not one acceptable grown-up way to dress, okay? Some of us might be thirty and still go to work in pigtails and sneakers and be totally completely one-hundred-percent respected, you know? Whatever, apparently in the Lurleneverse you have to be totes ambitious and in business-casual by seventeen, but the upside is that one can SAMPLE SEX. Man, that'd be good, right? People would have to try way more on technique if there was sampling involved, much like how once people started downloading albums from the internet artists had to make each track decent, not just the singles. It is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

When the surgery's over, Ms. Austin goes to Melissa because Jory promises to look after Michael. While he's still passed out cold, SHE TOTALLY KISSES HIM OMG! Even I, queen of creepy, wouldn't do that. I swear. JORY OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT EWWWW.

While Michael is recovering, Jory gives him a glossy photo book of hot air balloons. Of course Michael can't be grateful, noooo, he has to bitch that it must have cost "at least fifty dollars". SHUT UP MICHAEL OMG I HATE YOU. What a fucking asshole! You know what I say when people give me presents that maybe they spent too much on? "THANK YOU!"

Melissa has an infection, and needs blood, so Jory and Lyle organize a big-ass blood drive at the school. Of course it's a big success. Jory should totes get into event-planning or something, she'd rock at it. Not that I'm telling a seventeen-year-old to worry about her career, I'm just saying. As always, Lurlene is queen of capturing the way teenagers speak:

"You just want the chance to dunk the principal in the water tank at the baseball toss."

The boy grinned. "Hey, now that sounds like fun."

Hey, now, don't it?

They collect a lot of money (and blood), thanks in no small part to a big-ass check signed by Jory's mother. Jory confronts her about this, since she generally acts as if she doesn't give a shit about Melissa, and she says she can't imagine what the family's going through, and she's so glad it isn't Jory. Jory says she's glad it isn't her too. Aw, man, this is sort of a nice scene, the kind that makes me still sort of like this book. Whatever, I said it.

Lyle invites Jory to a party, and she goes with him and probably would have had fun if he hadn't brought up the fact that Melissa is dying. Jory's all NO SHE'S NOT SHE'S JUST HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE CURE and, oh man, this is kind of tough reading. Of course they get in a fight and Jory storms off. You guys, guess who she runs into? DRUNKEN MICHAEL!

Okay, this book is really sort of awesome.

Drunken Michael's friend asks Jory to take his keys and take him home, so of course she does. For some reason, of all places, Jory takes Michael to the place where Ric asked to make Melissa's hymen a thing of the past. Lovely! They talk about Melissa, and start making out. Michael stops himself, because:

"If this had happened to Melissa and I found out about it, I would have gone after the guy with my bare hands."

Oh SHUT UP MICHAEL! If your sister had wanted to do some guy, more power to her! You don't get to beat up people for having sex! God, I hate you. Jory, I still think you're awesome, though. Don't worry.

Melissa starts doing better! YAY! That's the good news. The bad news is Jory's mom gets her report card and is pissssssssssed. These are not college-gettin'-in grades, Jory, geez. I probably wouldn't do too well either if my best friend was dying. Jory's mom says that EVERYONE goes to college, which is funny, given that in the Lurleneverse generally kids don't think they have to! Weird! Some of the earlier books seem a bit more entrenched in reality, even if it's a reality I don't quite like.

Even worse, Melissa has another fever. Argh! It's meningitis. That royally blows! And even worse, right after getting the news, Jory is stuck at some event with a loser date picked out by her mother. She runs out early, and finds her mom waiting for her. She knows she's in for a punishment, but she begs her mom to yell at her later. Finally, her mom is able to get a word in edgewise, and what she says makes me choke up EACH AND EVERY TIME DAMMIT:

Mrs. Delaney stepped in front of Jory as she started to leave. "Mrs. Austin called here about ten tonight, and Mrs. Garcia called us at the club."

Jory felt her heart pounding. "Tell me in the morning," she said, trying to step around her mother.

"Jory, you must listen to me."

"I don't want to listen." Jory fought a rising sense of panic. The walls seemed to be closing in. Why wouldn't her mother get out of her way? Childlike, Jory clamped her hands over her ears. "I can't hear you, Mother. I'm not going to listen."

Mrs. Delaney reached out, took Jory's wrists, and tugged. "Melissa died tonight, honey. Her heart gave out."

Even on my adult reread, I cried. So sue me. Believe it or not my heart isn't made of stone!

Jory finally reads the journal Melissa entrusted to her, and finds a letter from her. I actually don't hate on most of it, except for when Melissa says she's glad she didn't sleep with Ric so she can still be buried in virginal white. Holy CRAP are the Lurleneverse heroines into white. Guess what, ladies of the Lurleneverse, you can totes wear white once you've done the deed, and no one's the wiser! It's not a fucking law, and even if it was, I would march to repeal it. Whatever, apparently it's supposed to be A JOKE but I'm not laughing, Melissa. Sweet, dead Melissa. Aw!

Michael FINALLY takes Jory up in the hot air balloon! AT LAST! By now she has been accepted into college, as has her now-boyfriend, Lyle. Different schools too YES! All in all, I can't hate too much on this book. I hope Jory goes off to college, wears ridiculous shades of nail polish, has tons of mindblowing sex, and wears white all the time.

Who needs sex when you've got horses, or One Last Wish: Sixteen and Dying

The lovely Meghan posted a request on the master list for One Last Wish: Sixteen and Dying (published 1992), so here we go! At first I thought "Yay, a OLW book I haven't yet read!" but at a certain point in the story I totes pulled a Celine as it all came back to me. Oh, man, was I still reading crappy Lurlene books in all seriousness in 1992? What a terrifying thought.

You guys want to know what this one's about? Well, I am happy to tell you!

You don't know me, but I know about you....

I can't make you live longer. I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

It's hard for Anne Wingate and her father to accept the doctors' diagnosis: Anne is HIV positive. Seven years earlier, before blood screening was required, Anne received a transfusion to save her life, and the blood was tainted. Now Anne must deal with the inevitable progression of her condition. When an anonymous benefactor promises to grant a single wish with no strings attached, Anne decides to spend the summer on a ranch out west and live as normally as she possibly can. The summer seems even better than she dreamed, especially after she meets Morgan. But Anne hasn't confided in Morgan about her condition, and when her health begins to deteriorate, she suddenly leaves the ranch.

Is there time for Anne and Morgan to meet again?

This is kind of a weird book to write about, because HIV and AIDS diagnoses are SO DIFFERENT nowadays, you know? If a healthy New York girl with money tested positive for HIV these days, it'd be sad, obviously, but she wouldn't be looking at an automatic death sentence, just some life changes. Right? It's sort of like listening to Rent. Well, without the OH MY GOD WHY DID I EVER THINK BENNY WAS WRONG? feeling.

Anyways, I will try my best to keep all that in mind as I traverse the rocky shores of Sixteen and Dying. Especially warm thoughts about Benjamin Coffin the Third.


After looking at that, I hate to bring you guys down with bad graphic design, so just remember you can always scroll back up to feel better. I know that's what I'll be doing.

This is the newest cover:

You guys, is it just me, or is the position of that horse's head a little... dirty? Who the hell Photoshopped this, someone who just got fired from some horse fetish magazine? Also follow the guy's line of vision! OH MY GOD DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY. I mean, not that boobs are inherently dirty, I'm JUST SAYING.

My version has this cover:


Sorry, that is literally the largest picture I could find. It's not as great of a cover, I guess, though it isn't perverse, so there's THAT. The guy totally isn't as hot as he's supposed to be, but, whatever. He's dressed like a bunch of jackasses I went to high school with who apparently just couldn't get enough denim, whereas the other edition at least has the whole hot cowboy thing going on. Whatever, I can't believe I'm giving a fictional cowboy this much thought.

The particular copy I'm lucky enough to have (i.e. purchase for dirt cheap in a giant lot off of eBay) is hardcover, but not like with a slipcover or anything, nope, it's just printed on a hardcover. Also on the back there's this little seal that says ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS which, just, WHAT? I mean, we've been over this a million times, how I hate uber-gendered stuff for kids, like, shouldn't we be offering unlimited reading possibilities (keeping in mind maturity/reading level) and not starting them out with this idea that boys are allowed some things while girls should be reading about dead girls and horses and shit? ARGH. I mean, not that I didn't do a lot of reading about dying gentle heroines and horses and yet STILL turn out, well, me. I'm JUST SAYING.

Oh man, and I OPENED the book and the inner binding (listen, people, I used Wikipedia, I can't figure out the term) is printed with an ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS pattern. I am not kidding!

So the book opens with Anne and her dad at a dude ranch in Montana. Hey, does anyone else automatically have the same thought process whenever you hear about a dude ranch?:


There's all that really crappy exposition, no, not the kind where it's all "REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR THIS REASON AND THAT REASON" but the kind where it's all "it is amazing we are able to be here because of THAT THING and we are very depressed because of THAT OTHER THING" and I guess it's supposed to build suspense, but really I'm all JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT'S GOING ON PEOPLE.

I mean, good books use that technique all the time, to differing results, but, you know, seriously, this is just annoying.

Anne's dad is a professor at NYU. Awesome! What a nice change of pace to give a dude that kind of job and not, you know, some sort of manly-man occupation. Anne's dad isn't thrilled about being here, for a couple reasons. One, he's a New Yorker, the kind who fucking hates nature and all of that. Anne's dad, I feel your pain! I myself am not a New Yorker, but whenever people suggest I get in touch with nature I'm all LISTEN I LIVE NEAR A PARK ISN'T THAT ENOUGH SOME OF US HAPPEN TO LIKE LIVING WITHIN CIVILIZATION ALL RIGHT YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND RELAXING IS KNOWING SOMEONE WILL DELIVER THAI FOOD TO ME NIGHT AND DAY. Ahem. I've got his back here.

I've got his back about the other thing too. See, Anne has HIV. The doctors urged her to begin AZT treatment IMMEDIATELY but because of potential side effects she took her OLW letter and check to get a summer at a ranch. I seriously can't believe her dad let her make this decision. I mean, this is where I can't tell if we're talking about a seriously stupid life plan or datedness. If you know you're gonna die soon, no matter what, you probably want to make that wish of a lifetime happen before you're too sick to enjoy it. OR DEAD. That said, I feel like had she started the AZT before it progressed to full-blown AIDS (sorry to be such a spoiler queen this time around, kids, this book is just structured strangely to recap normally) she could have lived a lot longer. Yeah? Are AZT side effects bad enough to pick death instead?

Time, once again, to turn to Wikipedia:

Common side effects of AZT include nausea, headache, changes in body fat, and discoloration of fingernails and toenails. More severe side effects include anemia and bone marrow suppression, which can be overcome using erythropoietin or darbepoetin treatments. These unwanted side effects might be caused by the sensitivity of the γ-DNA polymerase in the cell mitochondria. AZT has been shown to work additively or synergistically with many anti-HIV agents; however, acyclovir and ribavirin decrease the antiviral effect of AZT. Drugs that inhibit hepatic glucuronidation, such as indomethacin, acetylsalicylic acid (Aspirin) and trimethoprim, decrease the elimination rate and increase the toxicity. The side effects from AZT and its toxicity have been serious enough to warrant a black box warning from the FDA.

That black box warning part does sound pretty scary. That said, death sounds way worse.

When the book talks about the research Anne's dad did, they tell about this AMAZING COMPUTER LIBRARY he can access using "a modem, a special phone". Considering this book is from 1992, that's totally okay to write, but, ha! Remember those days, kids, back BEFORE WE ALL USED THE INTERNETS? What a sad, dark time.

While Anne's dad stresses out, Anne calms him by placing her hands on his chest. Kind of ewwww.

So Anne goes to check out the horses, and accidentally checks out the WILD HORSES instead of the TAME HORSES, and this dude Morgan totally reams her for being a STUPID TOURIST. Uh, Morgan, whether or not you hate tourists, since you work on a fucking tourist dude ranch, maybe you should try being a little nicer to them.

Then of course we get stuck with Morgan's POV. He hates Anne because obviously if she can afford the whole summer there she must be rich. I love that what we're supposed to take away from this isn't "wow, what a fucking awful way to judge someone" but "oh, no worries, Morgan, Anne isn't rich, she just got this bigass check BECAUSE SHE'S DYING!" What is with the Lurleneverse and the evilness of rich people? While, listen, I guess it's better than this current trend with, like, the Gossip Girl series and spinoffs where everyone's loaded and anyone lesser is seen as, like, morally-flawed, I'm not much into this outlook either.

The only thing that got to him about her was her large, expressive brown eyes, which appeared somehow sad. What could a rich girl from the East have to be sad about?

I liked that her location was thrown in there too. Man, those richies from NY, they are NEVER sad.

Anne's thinking about her sad predicament, how thanks to HIV even if she lived long enough, can't have kids, or even have sex. Then she says this beautiful line:

No sex didn't mean no love.

Meghan actually quoted this line to me to convince me to do this recap next. (Totes worked, obviously!) I mean, I agree? But I also think these books are really way too into sex being bad and eeeeevil. Plus lots of people with HIV enjoy full sex lives by practicing safe sex.

Anne runs into a girl who works there who's boohooing, named Marta Rodriguez. As you can tell from Marta's name, she likes to throw in Spanish words and she's from "the barrio" in L.A. Folks, I've never heard anyone around here refer to a part of town as the barrio, so I did a quick Google search to see if Lurlene was being racist. Right away I found out that Edward James Olmos grew up in the barrio here, so I guess I'll give Lurlene a pass here. Thank you, Edward James Olmos.

Anyway, Marta, who's known as Marti, is there because her parents made her. Her brother worked at the ranch two summers in a row and it saved him from his gang life. Okay then! Marti's boyfriend Peter Manterra is in a gang, so Marti's parents think she could stand to learn valuable dude ranch life lessons. Oh, fine. Marti says she misses her boyfriend like crazy but it is nice to be on the ranch because it's hot and mean in the barrio. East L.A. can get pretty brutal, so, again, FINE.

Marti also expositions that Morgan is the ranch owners' nephew, and that he's reckless.

Back in Morgan's brainskull, he thinks about Stacy Donner from SF who was a "rich debutante":

She'd toyed with him. He learned from the experience. Rich girls were fickle and not to be trusted.

Aw yeah, classism and sexism in one foul swoop. I hate you, Morgan.

So Morgan's trying to break in the wild horse Anne was checking out when she first got there. This is because Anne has an eye for horses! This makes Morgan think PERHAPS she's different than all the dumbass tourists. I hope I never have to work hard to impress someone like Morgan; the task seems frigging impossible. Have I mentioned? I HATE MORGAN.

One of the ranch workers named Skip has a thing for Marti and asks her on a picnic. Since her heart is with Peter Manterra, she asks Anne and Morgan to go along so it'll be less awkward. I never understand in books how making something a double date makes anything LESS awkward. Marti claims it'll be a real fiesta because this is TOTALLY how people who speak Spanish speak English.

Chapter Eight starts in maybe the creepiest ever, by the way:

Morgan began to watch Anne.

He stalks her to a church, and tells her about his Native American great-great-great grandmother, who converted to Christianity. I guess that means she's a good person then. Then Anne recites some Emily Dickenson to him. If you guys think this sounds hot, you need help.

So the kids finally have the picnic of awkward. Skip is, like, the most awkward person ever:

"I wasn't sure what everybody'd want to eat. I brought fried chicken, tortillas, burritos--do you like these things?" he asked.

DO YOU LIKE THESE THINGS? If someone ever asked me that I'd totally punch them in the face. Well, after making sure to get a burrito. Also, what are they doing with the tortillas? Did he just think, "well, I really wanna nail Marti, and she's from the barrio, so... I'll get some... tortillas? To impress her"? I hate it when people who don't understand food write about it. Also godDAMN am I hungry and would seriously like a burrito. If I didn't have work tomorrow, you guys, I would totally drive down to the taco stand. Also if I thought it was open at eleven on a Sunday night.

Marti gets all flirty with Skip, believe it or not:

"Everything Spanish is hot," Marti said with a flirtatious, sidelong glance toward Skip.

Um, Marti, actually, I think you're Mexican, not Spanish. To distract me from my head wanting to explode between Lurlene's cultural insensitivity and my deep longing for some Mexican eats, here's a little something the Spanish/Mexican snafu made me think of:



(While you guys were watching that, I totally just microwaved some enchiladas. Success!)

Anne and Morgan talk about their families. Anne's mother was British; she met Anne's dad when he was studying at Oxford. She died in an accident when Anne was little. (It was the same accident that required Anne to get a blood transfusion that ended up giving her HIV, by the way.) Morgan's dad is dead and his mom left. And he's not sayin' any more! Then Morgan tries to end the night early. Skip's all, dude, for serious? I'm totally screwing this girl who's either Spanish or Mexican! But Anne overhears Morgan say Anne's dad told him to leave Anne alone. Ruh roh! Anne's pissed. I would be too! I get where Anne's dad is coming from, but, geez, let your daughter make her own decisions. Or if you're that terrified about the possibilities of your daughter making ill-informed decisions about sex OR ANYTHING ELSE, maybe you should, I don't know, TALK TO HER. But I'm sorry, we're in the Lurleneverse. Like THAT would happen.

Anne confronts her dad (go Anne!) and he's all... weird:

"Anne, this type of attraction is a first for you. [How does he know that?] It's been a long time coming, but the time has arrived. [Hello, weird sentence, dude.] I've never seen you interested in a boy before, and it's... difficult for me."

. . .

"As your father," he said, "I've been both anticipating and dreading this day for years. The day when you'd meet a guy who saw you for the wonderful person you are. And wanted you in every way."

. . .

"I never wanted to think of you growing up and getting involved with any man... not even the one you marry and now...."

Um, fucking creepy, Anne's dad. I'm really glad I didn't go to NYU and therefore avoided you. And if that wasn't bad enough...:

First he lost her mother; now, he was losing her. Not in a normal way of giving her away in marriage. But to premature death.

Okay, "giving her away" in marriage is icky and gross, I'm sorry. If you actually think of your daughter as, like, your property to hand over to her husband, just, ugh. Also, considering that LOSING HER is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Seriously, I started out liking you, Anne's dad, and now I feel my feelings have changed. You, sir, are creepy with a capital creep.

Morgan and Anne are hanging out when she cuts her hand and begins to bleed. Understandably, she freaks and flees the scene. He's all, TF? Luckily she's fine. Soon after she goes shopping in town and finds this amaaaaaazing saddle, which she buys for Morgan with some of her OLW money.

There's a town rodeo, where Morgan gets thrown off a horse and is injured. But he's okay. Yay? Anne goes back with him to his cabin, where he asks her to spend the night. Whoa! Obviously she says no and leaves, which hurts his feelings. Dude, I know you don't realize she has HIV, but even so, girls are allowed to NOT WANT TO FUCK YOU. Argh.

The saddle shows up the next day, which is bad timing because Morgan's all YOU RICH GIRLS THINK YOU CAN BUY YOUR WAY OUT OF HURTING MY FEELINGS which, just, no, Morgan, NO. Shutttt uppppp.

Things get worse. Of course. Morgan's wild horse hurts its leg, and Morgan has to shoot it. Oh man, I'd fall apart. I hate sad stuff with animals, so I vote NO to this part of the book. Dying kids, sure, but please don't shoot hurt animals! Sniff.

Anyways, on top of that, Anne is worse, and has to go back to NYC to start on AZT. Bad timing, T-cells. She lets Marti know she's sick (though she doesn't say how badly and due to what) and asks her to tell Morgan.

Back in NYC, Anne has full-blown AIDS and is quite ill. Poor Anne! They have a volunteer nurse who helps out a lot; she does so because her own son died of AIDS. I like you, volunteer nurse. You deserve to be somewhere nicer than the Lurleneverse.

Morgan shows up! OMG! Anne is kind of freaked about her shitty appearance, but he doesn't seem to mind. Finally she is upfront with him; also he is upfront with her. His dad isn't dead, but in a hospital in St. Louis (shoutout to my hometown represent!) dying from Huntington's Chorea. By the way, this was when I realized I'd already read this book. Huntington's is seriously THE WORST UGH. For those of you who don't know of it, Huntington's is a neurological disorder that first displays as jerky movements, but eventually renders a person pretty much unable to function and their brain totally gone to mush. Sad, sad, sad. It's always fatal.

Morgan hangs around NYC on a long-term basis, and he and Anne spend lots of time together. He asks her if she hadn't had HIV if she would have spent the night with him, and she says no, because she wants wearing white on her wedding dress to MEAN SOMETHING. Ugh! I hate all this virgin worship. I'd hate it a lot less if the focus wasn't so much on purity of young ladies alone. Guess guys are free to screw whatever whores they want! Also, seriously, no one looks good in white. It is NOT slimming. PRIORITIES!

Anne does research on her dad's computer about Huntington's, and learns there's a test. Aw, man, you guys, do you remember on Everwood where Hannah had to decide whether or not to take the test since her dad had Huntington's? Broke my goddamn heart, oh, Hannah! If only you were in this book and not frigging Morgan.

Anyways, Morgan says he knows of the test, and isn't interested in taking it. Even though Morgan is being sort of stupid about this, it is way more complicated than Anne's acting. Listen, I paid attention during Everwood! You have to go through all this psychological testing to prove you can handle getting the results if they're bad. I mean, finding out you're going to get a terrible fatal disease at some point in your life is not something you can just tell everyone. You know? Though I guess when you're sixteen and dying of AIDS, you're pretty much like JUST GET OVER IT YOU IDIOT.

So Anne dies, of course, and is buried in this Native American wedding dress Morgan had given her for Christmas. Uh, inappropriate? She left Morgan a check to cover the cost of testing. The thought's nice, Anne, but I have a very hard time believing Morgan's gonna even make it through the psychological portion of that process.