This Brain Tumor Doubles as Birth Control, or Letting Go of Lisa

Gentle readers, I have returned and I am millions! Thanks for all of the emails and comments and blog posts regarding my absence. It's good to be back, in the Lurleneverse, where I belong.

(I mean, except I don't at all.)

You also might notice the beautiful logo now gracing this blog! Normally my friends earn YA-inspired nicknames when featured on this blog but I will pimp out my multi-talented and adorable friend Val who you should totes hire for all your graphic design needs.

I am kickstarting my triumphant return with a book my darling friend Kristy sent me from her fancy book job, Letting Go of Lisa (2006). I was super intrigued by it because the cover didn't look like our normal angelic flowery look-toward-the-heavens sort of thing, and, hey, I learned that lesson along with everyone else, but let's be honest here: I still totes judge books by their covers!

And what does that cover look like? Well, folks, I'm glad you asked:

Uhh is it just me or does that dude look a lot like John Simm?

Then I thought, ooh, maybe the book is about John Simm getting into a car accident and then waking up in the Lurleneverse! However I was wrong.

I also thought, given the title and the image, perhaps it was literally about LETTING GO OF LISA and therefore FALLING OFF A MOTORCYCLE and facing, I dunno, death, coma, need of organ transplant, discovery of hidden cancer like when that kid got it playing baseball.

Luckily such things as synopses exist so all y'alls can find out what it's actually about:

Nathan Malone has been homeschooled his whole life. He’s never spent much time with kids his own age and he’s never dated. His mother is now busy with his new twin sisters, so Nathan must enroll at the local high school for his senior year. On the first day, a girl on a motorcycle catches his eye and Nathan is excited to discover the girl is also in his English class.

Not only does Lisa ride a motorcycle to school, but she’s a loner who seems to come and go as she pleases. She doesn’t care what anybody thinks of her. Nathan is intrigued—he’s never met anyone like her or had such strong feelings. When he and Lisa finally start spending time together, he’s the happiest he’s ever been.

But Lisa has a tragic secret and, when she decides she’ll handle it herself, Nathan has to make a choice. Can he ever let go of Lisa?

I don't know. CAN HE?

So the book opens with our protag, Nathan Malone. He's starting his Senior year of high school, going back to a public school for the first time since his mom started homeschooling him in the sixth grade. Now before long we get all of this OMG BEFORE THE THING HAPPENED expositiony crap so I thought all of that was gonna be tied into why Nathan's mom started homeschooling him. But, no, this is never actually explained. Nathan's mom is just BETTER THAN YOU so that's why OH EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE'S AN OVERPROTECTIVE BITCH. To be fair that's the kind of characterization I can almost believe. I'm just saying, Lurlene, bring up something and ALSO bring up a secret family tragedy and you'd better EFFING CONNECT THEM OK.

So anyways, Nathan at least knows one person at school, his friend and neighbor Skeet. SKEET! Do you guys think it's Skeet Ulrich?


This picture is Australian, which may or may not explain how strange it is.

So Nathan's all Stresso McStressington because there are ALL THESE PEOPLE and HALLWAYS and CLASSROOMS and OMFG but the truth is I can relate because when I was in seventh grade I went to this really shitty Catholic school where the entire grade was made up of four girls and nine guys, and then the next year I transferred to public school into an eighth grade of approximately 250 people. I FEEL YOUR PAIN NATHAN.

Nathan is also freaked because while he was snailing his car into the parking lot someone on a motorcycle cut him off and gave him the finger. Oh my heavens!

Our homeschooler is shocked at the identity of the finger-giver:

"A girl?" Most of the girls Nathan knew were homeschooled like him, younger, all giggly and silly, and they didn't ride cycles and flash rude hand gestures.

Apparently this girl is Lisa, who the whole world's obsessed with because she's a loner and drives this black and silver bike with a red heart painted on it, and has long brown hair and creamy skin, and let's be honest here, if I'd gone to school with Lisa I would have been obsessed with her too. She fits the description of all my girl crushes.

Also I gotta admit that bike sounds hella sweet. Also SHUT THE FRONT DOOR did Lurlene come up with a "cool" character who actually sounds vaguely... cool?

Good thing I'm sitting down already.

Nathan says that the bike almost "creamed" him, which makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Anyways, Skeet's all gaga:

"Not a guy in the school who wouldn't give up his car speakers to get a tumble [Is that what the kids are calling it these days??] from Lisa. She's a knockout - transferred in as a Junior last January. Keeps to herself, though. I call her 'a heartache on a Harley'." Skeet pressed his hand over his heart.

I pressed my hand over my mouth as not to spew.

Lisa's the only one who's ever stood up the school's star athlete and most popular jockass. Guess what his name is? Are you guys ready? THIS IS SO GOOD. "Rod 'Roddy' Stewart, no relation to the rocker." OH MY GOD. Now if I wrote this effing book (which, uh, why would I write this effing book?) I wouldn't let a seventeen-year-old refer to Rod Stewart as "the rocker" but "that old guy my mom still crushes on, gross" though, DISCLAIMER, my mom hates Rod Stewart and would be ashamed I said that even hypothetically. My bet is Nathan's mom is all over him though. I mean in her mind.

Sorry, Mom.

Also I always think it's weird when there's a dude in your book named ROD STEWART for no apparent reason. There are like countless names; you don't have to pick one that matches a celebrity's. I assume Lurlene finished up the manuscript and her editor or agent was like "uhhh Lurlene, do you realize you've named a character ROD STEWART" and instead of doing a FIND-->REPLACE she threw in that little disclaimer. Way to get attached to something dumb.

Also way to speculate, Ames!

Skeet proposes that instead of going home after school, they stay to "drool over the cheerleaders". Uh did any of you boys in high school actually talk like that? Be aware if you answer yes we are no longer friends!

So at home after school Nathan's dad is cool but his mom, who had to stop homeschooling Nathan because now there are twin baby girls, is a royal heinous beotch. She's overprotective and talks about Nathan in front of him like he's not even there! Oh my god it's like she's someone's MOM or something. Sorry, Nathan, she's not actually that bad. She's just YOUR MOM. Shut up.

As Nathan's leaving the room he gives a MEANINGFUL LOOK at the refrigerator where a ratty old decaying piece of paper holding a child's drawing hangs. "Molly's last drawing." Wow, do you guys think this is gonna be important???

So do you guys want to know how Nathan and Skeet formed their bond?

Another sore spot in Skeet's life: a cold mother whose job was more important than raising a kid, and a stepfather who was downright mean to Skeet. Skeet's parents used to lock him out on weekends, rain or shine, and Nathan's family would take him in like a stray puppy.

Oh SHUT UP they did NOT. If they actually did, Nathan's family did NOT do the right thing by taking him in. What they SHOULD have done was called family fucking services.

Nathan and Skeet got to be friends, and bonded over their shared lurve of country music. Nathan clarifies it's not the twangy kind, but the new kind, so basically THE KIND THAT TOTALLY SUCKS. Anyways, Nathan plays guitar and Skeet plays... keyboard. KEYBOARD? Do you need a keyboard in a new country band? Hey, you guys, let's form a new country band! We will call ourselves the Lurleneverse and we will rule all.

Nathan proposes he writes a song about Skeet getting stripped and shoved in front of a bunch of cheerleaders by the jocks (god I hate high school) called "I Caught Your Heart While Chasing After Pigskin Blues" and Skeet pronounces that "demented". DEMENTED. The fuck? I do not think that word means what you you think it means.

(Right after that there's also a passage I debated writing about so I guess the pro side won out, but basically Nathan's twin baby sisters are loud, and he says they're "both screamers" and I felt really uncomfortable because I just don't know anyone who uses that term outside of a sexual context but that could just be my perverted nature (as well as the perverted nature of the people I know because let's be real, I do not exist in a vacuum!) but, please, people, don't refer to your baby siblings or your babies or anyone's babies as screamers to me. OK!)

So Nathan thinks he is a super writer! Luckily he has THE BEST WRITING TEACHER EVERRRRRRRR Mr. Fuller. Every week Mr. Fuller reads submissions, identified ONLY BY NUMBER, but only the best of the best. Nathan knows he'll be the first submission read. He's number 705 if you're a betting type of person. To that, Skeet replies, "I can't wait to see the movie" which I had to read like ten times because it doesn't make any effing sense. Does Skeet understand that not all writing is a screenplay? Now I'm POSITIVE it's Skeet Ulrich!

The other excellent thing about Mr. Fuller's class is that Nathan gets to sit behind the lovely Lisa. Skeet's all YOU ARE TOTALLY FALLING FOR HER and Nathan's all NUH UH I AM NOT I JUST TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME WITH YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

Skeet pointed his finger at Nathan in an imitation of firing a gun. "Pow. Dead meat at Lisa's feet."

Nathan tries to get to work on his writing submission that'll make Fuller orgasm, but he can't concentrate because he keeps thinking about Lisa and how he wants to bury his face in her hair. What is with all these hair fetishists in the Lurleneverse?

Nathan and Skeet are basically effing STALKING Lisa. To be fair, isn't that what you DOOOOO with your high school crushes? I used to have a crush on this dude who worked at a grocery store, so I walked there every day and got a candy bar. Then my friend told me he was gonna think I was fat if I kept doing that. So even though my parents owned a restaurant down the street where I could get all the free soda I wanted, I bought a Diet Coke every day. (I chose Diet Coke for two reasons, neither of which being that I drank it (though today it is my number one love in life, sorry, friends, family, and pets): 1) He would never think I was fat if I bought Diet Coke, and 2) Paula Abdul endorsed it.) Also I didn't have the nerve to, like, get his number or something, so my friends and I schemed and the best plan we came up with was for one of them to ask him what his sign was and then tell him that question was from me. It sort of backfired when he didn't know what his own sign was. ALSO BECAUSE THAT IS THE DUMBEST PLAN EVER.

ANYWAYS. Even though often this older dude drops her off on her own motorcycle, they don't think he's her boyfriend because:

"No kisses goodbye. No tonsil exploration. Is that SOP around here?"

"The tongue tangles?" Skeet shrugged.

If anyone ever tries to french you and dubs it "the tongue tangles" get the FUCK OUT OF THERE because this is not someone who knows WTF they are talking about. Also I don't picture kissing, I picture actual... tangling. Gross!

So Nathan and Lisa fiiiiiinally speak, and they sort of flirt but then Lisa retreats. Lisa's got game, I will give her that. You guys, I'm sorry, but even though Nathan and Skeet are goons, Lisa's kind of cool. Also she has blue-violet eyes, a color Nathan has never seen before. Are anyone's eyes actually that color? Does she also sparkle in the sunlight?

Oh, also, this will be important later: Lisa skips class a lot. Ooh Lisa, you rebel!

When Nathan gets home that night from school, his mom is planting a new plant. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT HAPPENS EVERY SEPTEMBER. Wake me up when September ends! Nathan's thinking crap like GEEZ MOM IT'S BEEN FOURTEEN YEARS SHUTTTT UPPPPPP but at least offers to dig a hole. His mom LIKES digging the hole because it's therapeutic.

Over the weekend Skeet has to come over because there's a bright red handprint on his face from his stepdad hitting him because Skeet smarted off to him. WHY ISN'T SOMEONE CALLING THE AUTHORITIES? Skeet, dude, I'm sorry. If you'd been my next door neighbor I would have been all over that. Then again I call the cops really easily. If you don't want a cop at your door, don't disturb my slumber, world!

In Fuller's class, submissions are read... none of them Nathan's! HA. Is it OK that I liked this? I liked this. At least he's not some kinda Mary Sue. Also he realizes that Lisa's hair smells like... Creamsicles. OMG! Now I'm obsessed with Lisa's hair too. It seems AMAZING. Goddamn I wish MY hair smelled like a delicious frozen treat. It just smells like tea tree oil because I just found out about this amazing shampoo and conditioner from Trader Joe's. CHECK IT OUT PEOPLE YOU WILL THANK ME.

Anyways the poem that's read is supposed to be like uneffingbelievably good, and, whatever. I am not a poetry person. I know that probably makes me some sort of uneducated dipshit, and I feel really bad about that, but I'm just not. So, whatever. I cannot judge. It's some sort of Icarus metaphor/retelling sorta thing. Nathan's all BOO HOO I AM NOT THAT GOOD.

I WONDER WHO IS! Oh magical student number 454.

So we get a random few pages from Lisa's POV. This paragraph is so badly - and redundantly - written I can't help but share it with all of you:

Lisa Lindstrom was unable to pinpoint the exact moment Nathan Malone came on her radar; she just knew that she slowly became aware of him, like a buzz one starts to hear in a quiet room. [OK at first this seems like a good metaphor.] One minute all is silent, [riiiight, like you JUST SAID... QUIET ROOM] then a sound begins to break through a person's subconscious [uhhh yes, also like you just said a BUZZ ONE STARTS TO HEAR] and annoys until the person has to stop what she's doing and go find the source. She tried to ignore him, this noise, but one day he broke through - she looked up and saw the most incredible blue eyes, [The same blue as your eyes? OMG if you get that reference I will internet tonsil tangle you] fringed with thick dark lashes, staring at her. Nathan's eyes.

Lisa, your inner monologue sounds like me when I've had two Manhattans and a Metropolitan, but before they come back up.

Lisa wishes she could hate Nathan. If only he was like the jockasses! "Or avant garde and far out like the goths"!! I am actually hanging out with my goth friend this weekend; I will be sure to notice all of her avant garde and far out behaviour, and be grateful this allows me to fairly hate on her.

Nathan and Skeet go to the Homecoming game, then an afterparty (OK I guess in high school which is not Hollywood it's just called A PARTY) where Skeet asks Nathan if he smells pot, and says if he wants some he'll have to pay. WTF! Have you ever been passed a joint and a collection basket at once? What cheapasses! I was a total straight edge in high school (I mean, not officially, I just feared things like alcohol and drugs and many types of fun) but I could have gotten so much free pot if I'd wanted.

I will say though that people are drinking beer and there's clearly (albeit pay-to-play) weed being smoked, and this isn't shown as like A BAD AND EVIL party. It's just a party. Also Nathan feels all out of place and thinks of himself as a "social retard" which is totally NOT COOL TO SAY but abso realistic. You guys shocked this is in the Lurleneverse? I myself certainly am. I would take a hit to calm myself down but I don't have anything to put in the basket.

Lisa shows up at the party, right as the jockasses pick a fight with Skeet and start calling him "faggot" which is totally upsetting but, again, spot-on. WTF! LURLENE DID YOU TALK TO SOME REAL KIDS OR SOMETHING? Lisa basically rescues them, and Nathan makes Skeet drive his car home while he jumps on the back of Lisa's motorcycle. I really love it that the girl swoops in, saves the day, and then carries our protag out on the back of her totally sweet ride. I'm not even being sarcastic!! Way to - well, you know, not embrace feminism but at least some girl power? This book is not making me so hatey.

So they drive around, get some gas, and then go to Borders or B&N and drink mochas. Uhhh again, totally normal for real teenagers to do.

Nathan finds out the dude who drops off Lisa every day is her mom's boyfriend Charlie. Lisa calls him "the man who lives with Mom and [her]" though. Boyfriend is totally an acceptable term, Lisa. As is partner. I like Charlie though because he's the one who bought the bike for Lisa. Also, believe it or not, this lack of marriage isn't seen as a bad thing. In fact, Nathan feels boring and conventional for having married parents. IS THIS OPPOSITES DAY?

He asks her out, but she says she doesn't date. Still, he is super excited!!! When he gets home "he threw himself across his bed" which is sort of adorable but also the sort of thing I picture a thirteen-year-old doing before kissing a picture of Zac Ephron or something.

The next day Nathan gets in trouble because his clothes and car smell like beer, just because it got spilled on him. He feels free saying he didn't drink, even though that was only because the fight started before he could. Again, OK, sure. This book is making my head ache by not being crazy.

Oh, good, we're back there. Nathan's dad is all WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS HOPE SCHOLARSHIP which means he'd have to go to a state school. Nathan says this means he has to live at home. This book takes place in Atlanta, Georgia, a state where I'm pretty sure they have more than one state school.

Soon Nathan and Skeet (I can't believe I've now typed "Skeet" so much it looks like a normal name to me) discuss Lisa, not that it's anything new. Nathan says he can tell she has secrets, and he wants to learn them. Skeet is wowed:

"Gee, most guys just want to get in her pants."

Nathan scowled. "That's crude."

"And that thought's never crossed your mind?"

"Knock it off, Skeet. Don't talk about her like she's some kind of sex prize."

Sex prize is a confusing term. Is it like someone whom having sex with would be like a prize? Or is it someone you're awarded for having good sex? TELL ME!

So Nathan gets his paper back in Fuller's class, and it's all marked up and says "pedantic, plodding and a rehash of old ideas" which is ironic given what a pedantic, plodding, and rehashing of the stereotypical tough professor critique that is.

For some reason, Fuller's criticism stung him like the tentacles of a jellyfish.

If that's true, Nathan, I hope you're planning to give all your organs away to strangers you've stalked/slept with!

At home him and Skeet practice their band, if you can call two guys without a singer and a drummer a band, and Lisa pulls her bike into the driveway, then backs up and roars off. Oh, Lisa. By now you don't seem cool, just wimpy. JUST TALK TO THE BOY OK.

Nathan and Skeet start auditioning drummers for their band which is a surprisingly good idea for these dorks. Lisa shows up with a girl she says is a great singer, Jodie:

She was a short girl with a round face, short dark hair and brown eyes. She was heavy, but pretty in her way.

OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU HATE OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE LURLENE? This is NOT Sweet Valley, California, is it?

Anyways, Jodie sounds just like Patsy Cline (lucky girl) and loves the other classics too: Loretta (aw yeah) and Reba (the HELL?). Do some research if you're writing about a music genre, writers! So now she's the singer, and "a kid named Larry" (LARRY?) who hates country music and wants to play rock will be their drummer. Well, this sounds like a fine plan.

Nathan takes Lisa around his backyard, and she loves all the plants and the koi pond (one of my worst nightmares!!!!), and notes that it looks like something used to be there. Nathan confirms this: there was a swimming pool where his sister Molly drowned. Ruh roh! FAMILY SECRET! He was three, Molly was six, she was supposed to be taking a nap but instead she went outside to swim and totes drowned. Aw, Molly, I'm sorry! Anyways, Nathan's all WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT, like, uh, Nathan, you're the one who brought it up.

Time goes by, the band becomes awesome, but Lisa continues to only hang out with Nathan at weekly rehearsals, never at school. He confronts her about this, and:

"Your 'I don't give a damn' routine doesn't hold up with me."

"I'll work on it." She looked shaken, tried to brush past him.

He caught her arm. "Not so fast." And before he could stop himself, he'd pulled her against her chest and kissed her full and hard on the mouth. She fought him at first, but he didn't let go, and as the kiss lengthened, it deepened. His blood sang in his head, tore through his veins like wildfire.

Hey, gentlemen: a little love advice from Ames. If a lady is pulling away from you and you have to force your lips on her, that's not romantic. That's a lot like assault. That can totally BE assault. THIS IS NOT COOL AND NOT SWEET AND IF A GIRL ISN'T READY TO KISS YOU LET HER GET READY.

Ugh I hate that in books like this girls always give into the kiss or they try to punch the kisser in the kisser and break their hand and their jackhole dad laughs at them. Way to send a lesson to the ladies! Think of how much nicer kissing is when it's consensual!

So Fuller finally reads one of Nathan's poems in class. I'm not sure why; maybe he lost a bet:

I stand and watch you from afar
I wish upon you, like a star
You see me not.
You come.
You go.
Still, I love you better than you know.

I guess stalkers need lousy poetry too!

So Skeet is dating the overweight Jodie, so him and Nathan go over to the apartment complex where both Jodie and Lisa live to hang out with the ladies. It's clearly kind of skuzzy, since that's what apartments are like in the Lurleneverse. I'm sorry, but most apartment complexes I've gone to are totes nice. Mine is adorable!

Cars were parked everywhere, and Nathan ended up blocking in a car that Skeet said belonged to Jodie's divorced mother.

WTF why would anyone identify someone this way? Seriously, did one of Francine Pascal's ghostwriters tackle this part of the storyline?

Lisa's actually out with her mom, so Nathan hangs out with Charlie, who talks about Shakespeare and teaches Nathan about cars. Charlie is frigging awesome. Lisa's sort of weirded out to see Nathan there when she gets home but she recovers, and her mom totes loves Nathan.

Nathan convinces Lisa to come and hang out with HIS family, where his mom harrasses Lisa because she doesn't want to go to college. It's rude but at least it's more real than all those people in the Lurleneverse who act like college is this totally weird thing only a few people do these days. Lisa accidentally touches this Christmas ornament that Molly made, and his mom freaks the eff out. She's so good about it though! She just nicely suggests laminating the picture on the fridge and putting one of those collector's baseball protective globes around the ornament. Lisa, way to be!

Then there's this MYSTERIOUS STUFF from Lisa's POV where her mom and Charlie are like "you're gonna have to start going five days a week" and Lisa's all BOO HOO I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME TO BE NORMAL so I guess Lisa's gonna die! Or at least get really ill. Or something. Sorry, Lisa, you are perhaps the coolest girl in the whole Lurleneverse, so this royally blows for me too.

Also we totally know it's radiation when Nathan spots tattooed dots on the back of Lisa's neck. He assumes she started a tattoo and changed her mind. Yes, Nathan, tattoos are started with a few dots in a grid. You have to come back every day FOR ELEVEN YEARS for it to be completed. SHUT UP.

Nathan's mom doesn't approve of Lisa, and tells him that the wrong girl now could be disastrous. I don't even know what that means! Does she think he has to list girlfriends on college apps and resumes? Is she talking about getting girls pregnant? I don't even know. Shut up, Nathan's mom.

Nathan can't take it that he doesn't know where Lisa disappears to all the time instead of going to class, so one day he skips and follows her. HOW ROMANTIC. Anyways, he sees that she's going to the hospital, and waits so he can confront her. She's angry, but he says he has the right to follow her because he loves her. OH GROSS. Just the way stalkers and abusers rationalize what they're doing. Ugh ugh NATHAN COME ON.

Lisa says if he comes over that night she'll tell him everything. He does, and she admits she has a brain tumor. She doesn't want anyone to know so she swears Nathan to secrecy. He complies but finds it hard to concentrate on the rest of life. Uh, YEAH. His heart's not even in the band's first gig at the VFW hall, which Skeet declares so dorky they could register it. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

After the concert, Lisa makes Nathan take her to a frat party, where she starts drinking, puking, and then ending up in so much pain they have to call for an ambulance. Poor Lisa! Tumors are mean. Nathan stays with Lisa and her fam while she's being checked out at the hospital, and doesn't even pretend he gets home on time. The next day his mom goes nuts screaming at him about this, but he still doesn't reveal Lisa's secret brain tumor. Lemme tell you, I would have let my parents know, but maybe I'm just not good at secrets. Also I never had a curfew so clearly I was working with some different standards to start with.

While hanging out one day, Lisa tells Nathan the reason her mom won't marry Charlie is that if she does, she loses her (and therefore Lisa's) health insurance. WTF. Is this true ANYWHERE? I thought marriage got you more perks not less! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Nathan invites Lisa to the Valentine's Day dance so they can double with Skeet and Jodie. Lisa accepts and:

Nathan's heart hammered. He wanted to hold her and kiss her beautiful mouth.

You sure got a pretty mouth!

At the dance we learn the band is no more, between Nathan's waning interest, and Larry the Drummer leaving for a rock band. Well, hire a dude who really wants to be in a rock band, expect that he will eventually leave you for one.

After the dance, Nathan goes back to Lisa's with her and DECIDES TO SPEND THE NIGHT I AM NOT KIDDING. He calls his mom to tell her and she says the greatest thing ever ever EVER:

"That girl is poison!"

The next day Lisa goes to Nathan's with him, and his mom is all OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA GET PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! and I expected this to be all NOOO WE JUST STAYED UP TALKING but nooooooo instead Lisa says:

"That won't happen, Mrs. Malone. I won't get pregnant because, you see, I won't live long enough to ever have a baby."

Lisa, I don't think that's actually how it works, but good thinking. ALSO THIS MEANS THEY TOTALLY HAD SEX AS TEENAGERS WHO ARE NOT MARRIED AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THEIR SIDE OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING THE EARTH IS GOING BACKWARDS AND WATER IS GOING BACK INTO MY DRAIN THE LURLENEVERSE KEEPS UNSCREWING.

I need to lie down for a bit and deal with this.

OK well my love is a bit short-lived because then in the next chapter Charlie has to go and thank Nathan for settling their girl down, which, ugh, isn't she only eighteen? Also I hate this notion that that's what a real relationship is. Again ESPECIALLY AT EIGHTEEN. Whatever. I still like you, Charlie. Will you buy me a bike?

So Lisa tells Charlie she has to go for some tests and will call when she's done. Except she doesn't! And her number is no longer in service! And they go to her apartment and the building manager is cleaning it out because the tenants have left!

Nathan tracks them down, though, and finds out Lisa is someplace in Miami (she's from Florida originally). He goes and finds her in basically a hospice, but one that is set in beautiful scenery so she can be surrounded by that when she dies. However, she is now blind. Also she's bald, but that doesn't seem as bad as the blind thing. She doesn't want him to see her like this but of course is glad he's there. They talk about the night they spent together and both say they have NO REGRETS OMG. This book is awesome at least for that. Also Lisa admits to being student 454, the genius author of the dubiously genius Icarus poem.

Anyways, Lisa OF COURSE dies (not that second or anything). Nathan gets accepted to a school in Kentucky. I hope it's in Louisville, because that is actually a very cool town. Also he plants his own memorial tree for Lisa in the backyard of death plants, with his mother's help. I guess they've stopped hating each other, so everyone can live happily ever after.

You know. Sort of. People did die and all. At least Lisa got some first!

Sex is the worst thing you can do, just beyond showing your stomach, or Prey

Ever since I heard about Prey (published 2008), Lurlene's newest book, I have been dying/terrified to read it. The other day I met up with my book biz friend Kristy, who presented me with a copy, an act I'm assuming was the first time Kristy saw anyone accept such a gift with so much gleeful enthusiasm. Thanks again, Kristy!

I have so much to say here, so let's just jump right into the synopsis so you guys know why I was so ready/not prepared in the least:

A teacher is supposed to impart a love of learning and a thirst for knowledge. It’s a bit different with Ms. Lori Settles. All the kids are talking about how hot she is–and she is especially interested in Ryan Piccoli. When she starts giving Ryan extra attention, he’s feeling more than happy–at first. He’s used to being the class clown, but really he’s a loner. One day after school, the friendship with Lori Settles goes farther than he ever expected. She’s his teacher. She’s at least twice his age. Intimacy with a teacher is wrong, yet it feels so good in every way. Soon, Lori is making demands and Ryan begins to feel overwhelmed, but Ryan refuses to even admit anything is going on. Something immoral is going on and before too long the choices made will change lives forever.

Um YEAH. This isn't a joke; this is totally what this book is about, you guys. YOU GUYS.

Would you like to see the cover? Oh, please, I know you would. Let's do it!


I was looking over this cover with my friend Mallory who's a graphic designer, and she's all "IS THIS A SCI-FI BOOK WHERE SOMEONE GETS EATEN?" which, seriously, between the title and that creepy red silhoette, I'm not surprised Mallory came to this conclusion. We were also incredibly blown away by the typeface chosen for the title; it's a child's handwriting. A CHILD'S HANDWRITING OMG. It's not like the kid is six! He's fifteen going on sixteen. Way to make this even MORE inappropriate and gross, graphic designers. Mallory and I are ashamed of you.

So, seriously, I have no idea why this is a direction Lurlene decided to move in. Do you? Does this have anything at all to do with kids with cancer? I'm not saying once you pick an interest as a writer that you can't branch outside, but Lurlene's been writing about dying kids for over twenty years now, with little seeming desire to talk about anything else (except maybe a dying boyfriend or parent or sibling, yeah?), so this is weird.

One interesting thing I really thought about a decent amount while reading the (surprisingly tolerable) Briana's Gift was that had I not known Lurlene's history, I might have enjoyed it even more. Hey, I'm not saying it was fantastic or out to win any awards, but it didn't offend me as most of her books have, I thought the characters made believable choices, and its prose was decent. And I wondered if Lurlene was becoming a stronger writer, or had gotten a new editor, or perhaps was just feeling pressure by this wave of really popular Y.A. writers who are churning out damn fine books (you can check the sidebar for links to some of their sites, if you are curious).

So if I was forced to guess, I would gander that ol' Lurlene is feeling a bit threatened by the direction the Y.A. world seems to be heading in, and wanted to feel relevant too. I don't necessarily think that's a good idea; it makes me think of a bunch of recent McDonald's ad campaigns. Listen, you can try to tell us you're all about health now with a bunch of salad options and apples in Happy Meals or whatever, but why are you even trying to sell yourself that way? People run to McDonald's when they're in a rush or are broke or just are really friggin' craving one of the crappiest hamburgers known to man (no judgment, if I'm out and about before 10:30 a.m. I have no ability to keep my car from veering into a drivethrough and forcing me to order a McGriddle).

Lurlene, don't feel threatened! The kids who read you really love those dead kids; the audience who's getting caught up with kids who deal with adult stuff like sex and relationships and the terribly difficult task of finding young adulthood, whatever that means, has likely already left you behind.

This all said, Lurlene has an intro to Prey letting us gentle readers known her intentions. Or something:

A Note from the Author: Part 1

Many of you who are familiar with my book will know that Prey is not my typical book. In fact, as it's turned out, it isn't even the book I intended to write about the subject of a female teacher involved with a male high school student. [I assume the original had a bunch of cancer too.] The book I planned was different from this one [Didn't you just say that?], but once I got into the research and actual writing of Prey, the story took on a life of its own. I hope it makes you come to conclusions, as I did. [No worries, there, Lurlene, I certainly came to conclusions.]

This is a novel I felt compelled to write and one that supports my philosophy; no one gets to choose what life gives to him or her; one can only choose how one responds to these happenings. [Um WHAT? Deciding to fuck your teacher/student is not exactly like catching the leukemia. I mean, I get what she's getting at, the whole MY LIFE SUCKS SO NOW I WILL MAKE BAD DECISIONS, but, oh man, Lurlene, this is sort of crazy shit already. Also, is it legal to use TWO semi-colons in ONE sentence? Also all this talk about "my philosophy" has totes put "Hakuna Matata" in my head. Imagine if THAT was Lurlene's philosophy, you guys! What the heck would she write about then?] This book is a study of characters who make bad choices [what a terrific idea for a book for young adults!] choices that will follow them, even haunt them [spooky!], for the rest of their lives. [Oooh, is this gonna be one of them LESSON BOOKS?]

She goes on a bit about male students/female teachers and the fact that there are ALL THESE CASES, which, okay, let me say something IN SUPPORT OF LURLENE. (Don't faint from shock, guys.) So the other week I was home on a Friday night (because I live the glamorous life) watching 20/20 (because apparently I am also eighty), and John Stossel did this whole special about the age of sexual consent. Basically the entire special was really offensive, as it relied a lot on gender stereotypes and the assumption girls can't ever really consent to sex (story after story about sixteen-year-olds needing to be protected from their boyfriends, etc.), but there was a whole section on this very topic of female teachers having affairs with their male students. It was pretty irresponsible reporting; basically at the end of it, Stossel sort of shrugged like, "there are no real damages due to this, it's not like when girls have sex with older men, maybe it's fine!" and never once delved into the gender/power issues present in our society, and why girls who have sex with older men might have a lot of emotional issues later and why boys who do the same don't (even though Stossel was upfront about these boys gettin' lots of "atta boy!" from not just their families/acquaintances but society too). Like, way to report on a sexual double-standard without ever mentioning there's a sexual double-standard!

That was a really long-winded and tangential way to tell you guys I'm happy at least the almost-always-misogynistic Lurlene recognizes that it's no more okay for a female teacher to seduce a student than a male one to do the same. Thank you, Lurlene, for that. Abuse of power is abuse of power, period, even if society grins at one and is disgusted by another.

Wow, you guys, that got really serious. You know what we need to get back to our happy place?

That's right:



All righty. The book opens from Ryan's POV. (By the way, considering Lurlene was all "I WISH I'D WRITTEN MY SISTER'S KEEPER", I bet that's where she stole the idea of ten zillion POVs (three, okay, to be fair). Jodi Picoult, you should totes sue; it was definitely your idea first to not worry about conveying how other characters were feeling and just let every single one TELL US.) Ryan is cocky with a capital cock:

"Hey, watch where you're going, turd." [You guys, if you think "turd" is Lurlene's attempt to be, like, potty-mouthed and edgy, you are so right. But just wait. This is just the tip of the turdberg.]

I've bumped into a senior, a joke, and he's snarling [Seriously, snarling? Is he, like, part wildcat or something?] at me. I bow slightly and get out of his way. He'd stopped without warning in the middle of the hall. I say, "Sorry, my bad. I didn't see the traffic light over your head giving you the right of way." [Wow, that's like the worst OH SNAP! moment ever.] His pretty girlfriend looks me over, giggles. [I love that Ryan thinks the giggling is related to the comment; I like to think the giggling is related to what a turd he is. Sorry, guys, now I want to keep saying "turd". It doesn't help that my roommates were literally just watching this episode of South Park which totes included a whole turd song.]

The guy puffs up. "Take off, creep."

He turns and I take a chance and wink at his girlfriend. She's pretty, but off-limits.

She blows me a kiss when her boyfriend isn't looking and I watch them take off down the crowded hallway. Wait for it, I think, and am rewarded when she glances over her shoulder to make sure I'm still watching. Gotcha! ["Gotcha"? Wha-what?]

So basically I already hate Ryan because he's played for serious and not for laughs. In another book written by a more skilled author, a guy who talks like this and claims to have worked out all summer on top of working on his tan, and who lives the life of luxury because his dad's in sales and he gets the place allllllllll to himself allllllllllll the time, well, please! I'd love this guy! But he's FOR SERIOUS. Stupid turd.

What does Ryan think about his amazing life with his amazingly on-the-road dad?:

"I got the new Grand Slam Poker game on Saturday."

Joel's eyes light up. "I'm in."

"It's tricky."

"Bring it on. You're lucky your dad gets you stuff like that. I have to save every cent and buy stuff I want myself." [Oh BOO HOO Joel.]

Lucky? I think. It's a bribe, Joel, my man. Dad buys me stuff because he sheds guilt over leaving me alone so much like a shaggy dog sheds hair.

WHAT WHAT WHAT A SHAGGY DOG HAIR GUILT METAPHOR OH MY GOD WHAT.

Oh man, I hate this book so much already. Where's a good cancer symptom when you need one? Only one thing can help me now:


Whew, better.

Ryan's first class is World History, which would totes suck except it's taught by Ms. Settles. Why is Ms. Settles so awesome?:

Ms. Settles is gorgeous. Straight jet-black hair to her shoulders, skin the color of cream and big blue eyes so clear you could swim in them. Her body is as sexy as any movie star's, with curves and boobs and a sweaterdress that shows off her assets.

That is a weird description. First of all, aren't "boobs" part of "curves"? Also, is a sweaterdress part of your body? Also, let's be fair, a lot of movie stars these days aren't exactly resplendent in the boobs/curves department.

I totes picture Ms. Settles as Bernie Dexter:



Sorry, Bernie, that's totes not fair to you. I'm just saying, if I were casting the TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD DON'T GET ANY IDEAS film version of this, I'd totes ask for a Bernie Dexter type.

Of course Ms. Settles isn't just hot, she makes them all laugh and enjoy history! Also, she's wearing stilettos. For some reason, this is a big friggin' deal. I haven't been in high school for, uh, awhile, but are teachers never in high high heels? I get that I'm in a different line of work, but I wear ridiculously-high heels all the time and no one bats an eyelash. That said, I'm not around teenage boys, but, uh, don't teenagers get turned on by, like, everything? Whatever. Ms. Settles wears stilettos, therefore she is a sexual predator.

The next chapter is from the POV of Ryan's BFF... Honey. No, I'm not kidding. Her name is Honey. WTF! She hates her name, blames it on her scriptwriters of the eighties, because apparently she is named after a character in "some police drama on TV". You guys, I just spent a long, long time on Wikipedia trying to figure this one out, and I've no idea. The closest I came was some show from the 1960s called Honey West. If Lurlene is referring to something REAL, let me know. I would probably judge Honey's parents more harshly if I hadn't, more than once, thought it would be cool to name my future hypothetical daughter Murphy.

Honey's totes in love with Ryan, but she's tall and horsey so of course he doesn't share these feelings. Honey also totes hates Ms. Settles:

Then I add, "I think she looks like a hooker." It's mean, but teachers should wear cute baggy sweaters and not flaunt their bodies.

Shut up, Honey, I hate you already.

Now we get Lori Settles's POV. If you liked Ryan's description of her, you'll loooove her description of him:

Then one speaks out. A wise-guy answer that makes the room laugh. He's beautiful. Dark hair, blue eyes, dimples--not yet a man, yet more than a child. [Who else is singing this song? Yeah, just me then? All right.] Yes, I know that too in an instant. It's a gift, being able to see inside them. I stare at him and the room seems to recede. A halo of light encircles him and suddenly, I know... he'll be the One.

Holy fuck that's terrifying!

So Ryan's dad's home, for the moment, and we learn he sells hospital equipment! HA! Of course he does. He probably runs into dying kids all the time. Whatever. Ryan's dad is a terrible father; who has a fifteen-year-old he thinks he can just LEAVE COMPLETELY ALONE for days and weeks at a time?

Ryan's all "MY DAD DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE LIKE ALL THE TIME I SPEND LOOKING AT AND THINKING ABOUT LORI SETTLES" and says something so gross I want to share it with you guys:

Sometimes when I see her unexpectedly, like in the halls or in the lunchroom, my heart races and the crotch of my pants gets tight.

Ew ew ew! I don't want any erection talk in the Lurleneverse! I didn't even know there WERE erections in the Lurleneverse. I thought babies came from magic, god, and angels. And, seriously, if you want to say he's got a hard-on, say it! This weird phrasing just made me imagine the crotch of pants magically shrinking.

Man, after that, you guys, let's go to our happy place:



Also, Ryan starts doing that expositiony vague hinty thing about how he doesn't have a mother, how she's gone, how she left them, and how he knows all this psychological bullshit about how obviously he needs a mother figure in his life. Man, I hate Ryan so much. It's like Lurlene watched one episode of the O.C. and thinks she's got this self-aware snarky teen thing down.

So Ms. Settles makes her move: she asks Ryan if he and some of his friends can help her move some furniture. Yeah, I think Ryan knows a way to get some furniture moving, if you know what I mean. Ryan's down with that, of course, but shows up to her place sans friends. Believe it or not, this isn't because he doesn't have any! I expected the sexing to start with this visit, but it doesn't. She just asks him if he "like[s] cappuccino". Then she makes him a cappuccino. Man, now I'm jealous of her wardrobe AND her cappuccino machine.

Back to Lori's POV. She senses that Ryan's starved for approval, so she wonders "especially" about his mother. Just another lady hatin' on ladies! I love that clearly we're supposed to be "aw poor Ryan, his mother left him!" when, uh, shouldn't we also be blaming his craptastic dad?

So Ryan's all crazed, and Joel tells him he needs to get laid, that there's only so much a dude can do for himself in the shower. OH MY GOD! Here's yet another topic I wasn't really prepared for the Lurleneverse to bring up! Man, this book reeks of trying way too hard. I think it's time for another happy moment, don't you?:



So Lori asks Ryan on what's basically a date, to "another part of town" where they go to a coffee shop. I hope it's not the one I write some of these recaps from! Lori, of course, orders a drink called the Italian Stallion! They have all sorts of typical first-date talk, I mean, if you're a teacher on your first date with your student. Lori's perfume, again, makes Ryan's jeans grow tighter in the crotch. JUST SAY IT. Also, I hate the word "crotch". Not unrelated, I also hate the word "crouch". It's just too close to "crotch".

So Ryan and Lori keep, um, dating, which is rough on Ryan:

I've taken so many cold showers that my skin's started to wrinkle and my balls have shriveled.

OH MY GOD JUST STOP IT LURLENE. Do you fucking get that you can be, you know, edgy and relevant and honest in dealing with sexuality without just being lewd? Oh, man, I can't believe I said "lewd". That's what this book has driven me to.

It's definitely time for some of MY philosophy:



Ryan's friends are starting to get pissed that he's never around anymore and is all SECRETIVE. You guys, seriously, be relieved! Who'd want to hang around Ryan besides an emotionally-fucked up teacher? Even his dad stays the hell outta town!

Of course, it FINALLY happens:

"Oh, my dear, precious Ryan." She leans forward, lifts my face and kisses me lightly on the mouth.

I take her shoulders and kiss her back. Hard, I kiss her, and long. [Are we still talking about the kiss?] Her tongue slides between my teeth, igniting a fever I can't control. Outside, the rain drums on the glass, giving a rhythm to some primitive force in me that I don't want to control.

Her hand slips onto my crotch, cups the bulge pushing against my jeans and makes me groan. She rubs me and I think I'm going to burst. "Do you like that?" she asks.

[OH MY GOD I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE YOU GUYS. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD READ ABOUT SEX IN THE LURLENEVERSE.]

"Yes." I kiss her again, driving my tongue into her wet, hot mouth.

It just gets worse from there, you guys. Afterwards Lori's all "oh, was that okay?" and of course it was, and he's all I'M GLAD YOU'RE MY FIRST and she's all I'M GLAD I WAS YOUR FIRST and, man, it's so terrible. SO TERRIBLE. This book is so gross. Who knew Lurlene could turn me into a prude?

Honey and her lady friends are out shopping, and decide to try on stilettos, to see if they can walk in them like Ms. Settles does. Man, what is with this stilettos fascination? It's like these kids have never seen a four-inch heel before. Anyways, Honey's all, "boldly", asking for a size ten, and explains that basketball makes a girl's feet bigger. WTF! Anyways, that's my size too, and I have never played basketball in my life, and I never feel the need to make excuses when I want sexy shoes.

Speaking of the shoes, the school has a talk with Lori about her attire. They want her to dress in ACCEPTABLE attire. I'm not sure where I stand here. I have a feeling we're supposed to think Lori always looks totes inappropriate, and I do know from my friends who teach that it's best not to draw attention to yourself in any way if you want kids to pay attention to the lesson and not you, but this just reeks of women needing to cover themselves up. I mean, not that I'm defending Lori, she's clearly doing this just to make the boys want her. I just wish it was presented a bit more that way, and not "GOOD WOMEN COVER THEMSELVES UP".

Ryan and Lori are on the phone, and he actually tells her he has a hard-on just hearing her voice! I'm so proud that for once it wasn't just jeans-crotch shrinkage. Still, now I have to digest this, and again, I go to a happy, happy place:



Better now. Phew.

Ryan gets Lori a Celtic love knot necklace for Christmas, and Honey's snooping around in his room and sees it. OH NOES! Lori goes crazy and buys Ryan a bunch of designer clothes, an iPod, just a ton of shit. Hey, teacher friends of mine, you should go be teachers in the Lurleneverse, where it's apparently an amazingly-paid profession! Ryan's dad sees the gifts and is all "WTF" but Ryan just says his friends gave him this stuff. Ryan's dad jumps on the fact that Ryan says Honey gave him a bunch of it, and he's all "so do you like her?" and when Ryan says no, he's all "Well, you do like girls, right?" and Ryan's all pissed that he thinks he's gay, and also that he acts like everything's cool if he IS gay because his dad's a homophobic jerk. Wait, in the Lurleneverse it's bad to be homophobic? I guess there can be something good here after all! What a freaking shock!

Lori starts getting "cold and possessive" but of course Ryan's still under her spell. They have A LOT of sex. This book is pretty smutty. If I'd read this in junior high it totes would have gotten passed around for the juicy bits, I mean, before we discovered V.C. Andrews. Also at gifted camp we passed around those Earth's Children books. But, yeah, Prey would have gotten some mileage for sure. Seriously, what was Lurlene thinking? I can't believe her usual fanbase would be all "OH YAY FOR THE SEXING". In fact, I noticed on Amazon that, whereas as most of her books have ten gajillion glowing reviews, Prey only has one.

So of course Ryan's not hanging out with his friends much, and his grades are slipping. He lies to Lori and says his dad's around more, just so he can get his grades up and spend just enough time with his friends for them to hopefully stop being suspicious. Ryan's at Honey's, and she gets all embarrassed because she sees HIS STOMACH, which, um, Honey is the biggest prude I have ever met. It's amazing to hate someone in this book who isn't Ryan or Lori, but I hate Honey and Ryan's dad so much. What a cast of heinous people, for such varied reasons.

Anyways, Ryan and Honey are wrestling (right?) and Ryan kisses Honey. She gets that it doesn't mean anything, but it still pisses her off that he ignores her afterwards. Uh, Honey, that's how lots of people handle making embarrassing choices like that kiss. And after you were all OMG YOUR STOMACH I doubt he thinks he can talk to you maturely. Anyway, Honey confronts Ryan, so he doesn't know what else to do but ask her to the school dance. WTF! Bad idea, Ryan. Though I guess this is the kind of jackassery "I'll make you forget what an asshole I am" move a guy like Ryan would likely make. Plus it's not like he could take his actual girlfriend!

Speaking of our happy couple, they take a day trip to Savannah where they can be open about their relationship. In case you guys think Savannah is some mecca to teacher/student relationships, it's just that no one knows them there. Lori spends tons of money on Italian suits for Ryan, which, again, how does she afford them, and what the fuck does a kid need with a bunch of Italian suits? Does he join the mob in the sequel?

At the dance everyone's having a good time until Honey notices that chaperon Lori is wearing that Celtic love knot necklace she saw in Ryan's room. OH NOES! Also Lori is a crazy psycho jealous type so she doesn't like Ryan there with the "big, horsey girl". Horsey is only a few letters off from Honey, I'm just saying! Anyway, in all of Lori's crazy rambling, she exposits that her father molested her and her mother never did anything to stop it. OH SO IS THAT WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MEN YOUR OWN AGE LORI? Ugh. I'm not saying that abuse doesn't lead to abuse, but this is totally painted like once that kind of shit happens, you're doomed. I know several abuse victims within my life who didn't start screwing students.

So Honey goes back to Ryan's room to snoop some more, hoping against hope that necklace is still there, but of course it's not. So she hacks into his computer, finds all the emails between him and Lori, and copies them all to disc. HONEY! This is sort of nuts, but, than again, none of my guy friends from high school AS FAR AS I KNOW YOU GUYS were sleeping with any of our teachers. So I can't say what I'd do.

Soon they have a substitute teacher in Lori's class, and Ryan gets called out by the principal. Whoa! Detectives are waiting for him! They have his emails! They tell him that he isn't in trouble, but that Lori is a sexual predator, and this isn't the first time she's struck.

Ryan's all BOO HOO I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL AND HER FIRST, which, dude, you're the one who was going on and on about the amazing sex and how she knew things no high schooler did. Did you think that was just what happens when one waits until age thirty-three to do it for the first time? Yes, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, that's totes the work of a pent-up virgin-no-more. Shut up, Ryan.

Ryan goes to Lori and CONFRONTS HER about the other guys, and she's all "BUT YOU WERE SO SPECIAL AND DIFFERENT" which, just, SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU.

Of course the police show up, but Lori freaks out and STABS HERSELF WITH A KNIFE!!!! Of course Ryan's all "DON'T DO THIS TO ME NOT THE WAY MY MOTHER DID IT" so, yeah, Ryan's mom killed herself. And that's why Ryan fucked his teacher. Good to know, guys.

Actually, Lori is fine, though. I mean, not dying from her self-inflicted stab wound. There's nothing "fine" otherwise about Lori except that she's hot.

Ryan's dad is PISSED, and I am actually thrilled and relieved. I honestly expected him to be all "atta boy, she was HOT" and he's not like that at all. First good parenting I've seen from you yet, Ryan's dad. Way to show up at the end and win me over.

In all the fallout, it becomes apparent that it wasn't exactly a secret Lori had done this before, the parents had just kept it quiet to spare their kid media embarrassment. Um, wouldn't this have come out then when Lori was transferring to a new school? Way to cover all the research, Lurlene.

Ryan realizes Honey's the only one who could have found those emails, so he goes over to confront her. She's all EW SEX and he's all, "what if it was with a girl my age, would that have been cool?" and our lovely anti-sex Honey says that he shouldn't be having any sex at all. WTF is with Honey? If there's anyone who CLEARLY has something fucked-up in her past, it's her.

The last chapter, from Ryan's POV, is three years later. By now he's slept with giant gobs of high school girls, and admits Lori wasn't his first either. WTF! So he thinks it was cool he wasn't a virgin at fifteen when he met her, but it was that SHE WASN'T AT THIRTY-THREE. I hate you, Ryan. I have a feeling you should read Jessica Valenti's new book when it comes out.

Ryan's waiting for Lori because she's gettin' out of jail! WOO HOO! And then it ends. I guess they're gonna live happily ever after. Clearly we're supposed to see how fucked up Ryan is, and how messed up this whole situation is, but, um, I still don't get the point to this book.

"Don't worry!" you tell me. "There's another note from the author! She'll explain EVERYTHING!"

Oh, okay then!

A Note from the Author: Part 2

Now you know Ryan and Lori's story. It is fiction, but there are many real relationships like it. The more research I did, the more cases I discovered.

Years can pass before the psychological damage surfaces in a young man's life. One primary long-term effect is the inability of such men to establish lasting relationships with women of a more appropriate age. These men are hesitant to commit, and many suffer from serious depression.

The female teachers who engage in such seductions often have serious emotional problems of their own--histories of physical and sexual abuse, and bipolar or other psychological disorders that contribute to their dysfunctional behaviour.

Having studied this growing problem, I have concluded that nothing can justify this kind of relationship. These relationships cause legal, psychological and emotional harm to both parties, as well as to their families and their communities. [Was there some possibility up until this, Lurlene, that it was OKAY to fuck your teacher?]

. . .

I hope this novel will make you, my readers, think, and help you understand that today you make choices that you will have to live with forever.

WHAT? WHAT? Like, okay, yeah, first of all, while of course Ryan had a say in this, he was clearly targeted and abused, at least emotionally, by Lori, so I hate this whole "KIDS IF YOU DO SOMETHING BAD NOW YOU'LL BE SCREWED UP FOREVER" screed of hers. That coupled with Honey's whole sex-is-terrible attitude, I have a feeling that's actually what Lurlene is getting at. No matter how hot it is, sex will ruin your whole life, so don't have it!

I mean, I think that's the lesson. I love how in the synopsis Honey's grouped in with them, when the only thing she has to live with is Ryan no longer speaking to her because she turned him and Lori in. That seems like something manageable v. a life-long sexual/relationship problem! Plus who would even WANT to talk to Ryan anymore. He might do something unseemly like show you his stomach!

People, I am at a loss for words. If the lesson is how fucked-up you'll be if you engage in this sort of behaviour, why was the sex so hot (uh, to them, not me), and why did they end up together after all? Because that's like real life? I have no idea what that means, as far as these life-long consequences.

So instead I'll leave you with this:

Sex + Wal*Mart = death, or Briana's Gift

You guys, in case you ever worry I don't really love you, I'd like to tell you how I got the next few books I'll be recapping, including this one. I recently left my job, unbeknownst at first to my well-connected friend Kristy, who had just sent off a package containing several Lurlene tomes.

So, yeah, today I had to drive through security, show my old badge, deal with the awk!ward that is the post-employment trip to a former employer, all the while I just hoped and prayed no one had opened up the package before calling me to make sure it didn't contain work materials. (Luckily no one had, or basically I could never talk to any of these people again.)

That's right, people, I went through ALL OF THAT just to retrieve material for this here blog, including both A) one of the most-requested series and B) one of the books I was most eager to read as I was so decidedly certain it would anger me to a boiling rage forcing me to take action in the form of, oh, god, probably just hitting the caps lock key a lot.

That book in question is Briana's Gift (published 2006). Why, Ames, you ask, why were you so predisposed to hypothetical anger? Well, gee, friends, let me tell you!:

Thirteen-year-old Sissy's mother always said that Sissy's sixteen-year-old sister marched to the beat of a different drummer. But it isn't until Briana runs away with an older boy that Sissy begins to understand what her mother meant. When Briana returns home alone and pregnant, Sissy and her mother try to help Briana come to terms with her options.

As if helping Briana make choices weren't complicated enough, things suddenly change again. After Briana becomes critically ill, Sissy's mother sees only one next step, but Sissy feels she must try to persuade her mother to make a different decision. Sissy needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy, and at the holiday season it seems more important than ever. Can Sissy make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THERE IS TEEN PREGNANCY AND A CRITICAL ILLNESS OMGOMGOMG AMAZING.

Wow, total sidenote, you guys, before delving into what an anti-choice and anti-sex nightmare I was convinced this book was after reading only these two paragraphs. I went to Amazon to grab that synopsis - something I always hurry through, lest I notice something like the reviewer who proclaimed Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as "THE BEST BOOK EVER!" - I saw this blurb:

About the Author Lurlene McDaniel is the #1 author of inspirational fiction for young adults. The author lives in Chattanooga, TN.

Wha-aaat? The NUMBER ONE AUTHOR of INSPIRATIONAL FICTION? I mean, let's not profess I'm some expert on the "inspirational" genre, even if I've sat through more than my fair share of faith-based marketing meetings, but just because Lurlene always includes something like "it's okay I'm dying because I get to go meet god and my dead relatives" and a quote from the Bible, does that actually qualify her books as inspirational? I would hope there's more to that label than just, you know, dying a beautiful virgin accepting of her fate (and her virginity).

Also, weirdly enough, the synopsis on Amazon has a different second paragraph, and it's INACCURATE:

It was already complicated to think about Briana's choices and then things change suddenly again. When Briana is in a serious accident, Casey's mother sees things one way. Although Casey understands her mother's reaction, she feels she must try to convince her mother to make a different decision. Casey needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy. Will she be able to make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

Uhhh, Briana isn't IN a serious accident. THE HELL? Was that just a lucky guess from the dude in charge of synopses? He probably spins a wheel when writing these. Teenager, working mother, car accident, guess that's it!

More importantly, though: WHO THE HELL IS CASEY???? Okay, basically this is boggling my little mind. This is apparently off the hardcover edition, so if I ever see it in person, I'm gonna see why the hell the back cover professes that the protag is named Casey. Is her name Casey throughout the whole book? Why did it change? This is CRAZY.

Oh, and here's the beautiful cover:


Wow, this is super ugly! There's an ugly cardigan sweater, an ugly gift I already feel is WAY TOO LITERAL, and the title spelled out via a cutesy baby bracelet. TOO MANY COMPONENTS. Also I know I haven't gotten into it yet, but what is with that Lurlene logo? She's had the cursive name logo hovering over her works for years and years and years now. It must feel good for your name to be a branded logo. I just hope if it ever happens for me that I get a better font.

So right away we meet Sissy, who's fourteen. (I have ALWAYS hated the name Sissy. I know it's a nickname, but, ugh. Sorry to any Sissys out there who may be reading this. It's not you; it's just your name. Kisses!) Her sixteen-year-old sister Briana, like the synopsis tells us, marches to the beat of her own drummer. I don't know if that really means what Lurlene thinks it means. I mean, Briana is just kind of a wild child, smoking and sexing and all of that, it's not like she wears earrings made out of junk food or whatever. Briana's blowing this popsicle stand!

Okay, I don't want to concern you guys for my sanity, which is a subject I now worry about with the unemployment and the hours spent watching TV on DVD with nary a soul in sight who isn't feline or canine, but either Lurlene got a new and improved editor or that whole "writing is a craft that will improve if you keep doing it" thing is true. The dialogue still grates a bit, but some of this prose is sort of good. Okay, decent? Good. It's not choppy, I'm not cringing, and there are bits of description where I'm actually all "ooh, I like what she did there". I KNOW I KNOW I'M SORRY. You want a little? I'll give you a little:

"Where are you going?" I ask. I'm sprawled on the softa watching a cartoon and eating Cheetos. I like the old cartoons; plus, it's a good way to spend a Saturday until Mom makes me do my chores, which wasn't going to happen until she came home from the store. My fingers are covered with orange Cheetos dust and I lick them. [GodDAMN now I want some Cheetos. If my roommate Dawn Rochelle is reading this, pick some up for me on your way home from work.]

Bree scowls. "That's disgusting." She looks out the high glass window of the door. "I'm leaving."

. . .

Bree laughs and kisses [her boyfriend]. She says to me, "Go inside, Sissy."

I'm still wearing my sleep T-shirt and my legs and feet are bare. The cold has sliced right through me and frozen me to the porch.

Bree shoots Jerry an apologetic look, runs back and puts her arms around me. "It'll be all right, Sissy. I know what I'm doing."

I feel all hollow, scared too. I don't want my sister to leave.

"I'll send you postcards."

I stand still, my arms glued to my sides, fighting hard not to cry. I'm careful not to touch her with my disgusting orange fingers.

I'm sorry, you guys, I can't hate on this. It flows so nicely, and for once it seems like a fourteen-year-old is actually narrating, not your kooky old aunt who's convinced she's down with whatever the kids are.

Since Sissy and Briana's dad died long ago in a factory accident, now Sissy and her mom are left alone. Sissy reports that her mom has "this bad kind of arthritis" which, dude, how grateful are you for that description? Has there ever been a girl in the Lurleneverse before, a protagonist, at that, who has a relative with a medical condition and doesn't know every friggin' detail about it? Nope, not that I'm aware of! I swear, had Lurlene written this one ten years earlier there would be three pages devoted to the discovery of the condition, the doctor visits and diagnosis, the treatment, and the prognosis. NOPE JUST ONE SENTENCE OMG LURLENE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU IT'S LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

Sissy's mom isn't really that freaked about all of this. She's all, shrug, whatever, she'll come back. Sissy shouts:

"Call the sheriff, Mom. You can stop them."

Wait, call the... sheriff? What the hell? What fourteen year old busts out with that? Very strange. You're on notice, Lurlene. Luckily Sissy's mom is all, yeah, whatever, as soon as he leaves her, she'll be back. Right now I can't help but love the hell out of Sissy's mom! Sissy's all cute and fourteen about it, saying, "But if they're married..." and her mom's all YEAH THAT'LL MAKE IT LAST.

OH MY GOD REALISTIC UNDERSTANDING OF TEEN MARRIAGE WHO AM I READING AGAIN WHAAAAT!

Ha ha, I don't want to jump for joy TOO much. Once Sissy launches into more expositiony stuff about Bree, she mentions Bree lovvvved teen magazines:

She bought teen magazines about cool kids in cool places and read them for hours.

WHAT IS IT WITH LURLENE AND TEEN MAGAZINES. You people, I have to make a new category, don't I? GodDAMN Lurlene.

Sissy has two best friends, a boy named Stuart Ableman (he's JEWISH!) and Melody Wallace. They seem like normal kids, though Melody's a little shallow and dumb for my taste. I'm sure she's super into teen magazines too. Whatever, I'm not some girl named Sissy. She can pick her own friends.

So guess who's back? That's right, it's Bree! Sissy's all HOLY CRAP but of course their mom barely bats an eyelash. This stuff all seems so friggin' real, you guys, which wigs me out. WHO ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BOOK?

Sissy wants to know why Bree's back, if she's so unhappy there. Uhh, Sissy, have you looked at the housing costs for southern California? Actually, that's not why Bree's back:

Moisture fills her eyes. "I'm pregnant, Sissy. I'm a cliché - barefoot and pregnant, with no place else to go."

Ruh-roh!

Also, the amazing thing is that the chapter ends RIGHT THERE and the next begins with the very next line of dialogue. How Dan fucking Brown of you, Lurlene.

"Pregnant! But you're not married."

I start getting angry at this line BUT--

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I bite my tongue. What a stupid thing to say! I feel my face go flaming red. "Sorry," I say. "I must have had a brain disconnect."

Dude, what an... acceptable reaction. Who are you, ghost writer, and what did you do with my Lurlene?

No one wants to say the a-word, of course:

I've had sex education in school so I know what her options are. I swallow hard. "You're not going to... I mean, you're not thinking about--"

The word you're look for is ABORTION, Sissy. Ha! It's now a name and an insult.

So Sissy goes to hang out with Stu and Melody at the pool, where she runs into some nosy-ass girl from school:

"Do [Stu] and Melody have a thing?"

"A thing?" The question catches me totally off guard.

"You know, are they together? Is he her BF?"

Does anyone actually say "BF" for boyfriend? I thought BF was totes "best friend", as in BFF, yeah? Or am I just getting old?

Anyways, Sissy's not thrilled about these rumors, not liking the gossip OR the possibility. OH MY GOD A NORMAL REACTION TO YOUR BEST FRIENDS POSSIBLY DATING EACH OTHER. You guys, I also just realized the reason this narrative works so much better is it's in first-person, which lends itself really well to the story. Has Lurlene ever written another book in first-person POV? So now we've got better writing than ever and a totally different POV. I'd actually cry out "GHOSTWRITER!" except I feel like if Lurlene was trying to fake us out with some poor sap having to pretend to be her, this book would actually be rife with Lurlene standards. Right? Like the V.C. Andrews oeuvre went from bad to parody under the heavy hand of the ghostwriter.

Man, have I overthought this one.

So Sissy and Bree's mom is totes unhappy about the baby sitch, and is grilling Bree on how she's going to handle this. I think she could be a BIT more supportive, honestly; then again, I didn't raise some wild child who's never handled responsibility well and now thinks she can raise a kid. It's a tricky subject, I'll say that much. No, Bree hasn't proven herself in the past, but she wants to be a mom to this kid; shouldn't she be supported, at least emotionally?

I hate the mom even more when she takes Sissy and Bree to Chattanooga for Bree's first obstetrician appointment:

Mom insists we all go to the exam room, where we meet a woman obstetrician [you know what I call women obstetricians? OBSTETRICIANS!] named Dr. Wehrenberg.

OMG are there any midwesterners reading this? Do you guys remember the old Wehrenberg Theaters theme song? It is so awesomely bad. I wanted you guys to hear (or rehear) it so badly I went to YouTube and searched for it. Please ignore the video content; I've no frigging clue why it features clips from Fred Claus and the Spiderwick Chronicles:



Oh, man, it's so earwormy. Also now I'm homesick. FOR THE PAST.

She gives me a questioning look and Mom says, "I want Sissy to hear what you have to say."

OH MAN I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU, MOM. Putting Bree in this position is so fucking unfair. She's scared enough; let's not make her go through her first appointment with her little sister in the room who is being shown her as an example as what NOT to be. GodDAMN this is wrong. You know, if she wants to talk to Sissy AT SOME OTHER TIME AT SOME OTHER PLACE WITHOUT BREE IN THE ROOM about how obviously difficult this is for Bree and how to prevent this there are all sorts of birth control and also the option of abstinence, FINE, but this is so gross and unfair, and, Bree, I'm so sorry your mom's such a wench.

Bree gets a job at Wal*Mart so she can earn a living, which I guess is as good an option as any in small-town America when you don't even have your high school diploma. At least she's being responsible!! This news spreads fast because small towns are lame and have nothing better to talk about, so Stu mentions to Sissy maybe he'll get a job there over the Christmas holiday, since he's Jewish and he doesn't really, ya know, give a shit. I LOVE THAT LURLENE WROTE A LOVABLE JEWISH CHARACTER! I was afraid he'd either be rife with stereotypes or, ya know, never shut up about the Holocaust, but Lurlene just made him a normal kid. THIS BOOK IS BLOWING MY MIND. Sissy's still jealous and weird every time Stu mentions Melody, which, YAAAAY REALISM. Also, hello, welcome to me as a kid.

Bree luckily gets to go to her next appointment alone, and she comes home thrilled to announce the baby's a girl. How does Mommy McMeanie react?:

"How are you going to take care of her, Briana?"

OH MY GOD JUST SAY ONE NICE THING GEEZ. Of course she calls an adoption agency and sends an agent over to chat with Bree. I am a really big supporter of women getting to have children only WHEN they want, so this makes me angry, because Bree really has come to want this baby, and her mom isn't being cool. I'm not saying Bree's in an ideal position, but, please, there are many worse things than a seventeen-year-old having a baby she really wants.

So, of course, this is the Lurleneverse, albeit a bizarro one, so Bree collapses at work! And, sadly, it isn't just an allergic reaction to working in the most heinous of all the chain stores, she had a brain aneurysm. Lurlene is sooo happy here to get to delve into her comfort zone, the medical fetishism we've all grown to expect. Blah blah, brain dead, blah blah, machines keeping her alive, blah blah blah.

We all know where this is going, yeah? The baby's too young to deliver, so Mommy McMeanie
has to decide whether or not to keep Bree alive long enough for the baby to be born healthy. Oh, man, what a sticky ethical situation. Since the child was really wanted by Bree, I'm okay with Mommy McMeanie deciding to keep Bree on the machines, but of course I'm a little wigged out with women being used only as baby incubators. Like I said, though, this is a situation where, to me, it seems okay. Also, considering Mommy McMeanie's previous feelings on the baby, I think that showed a lot of courage for her.

Mommy McMeanie tells Sissy she can be the one to name the baby, so while out Christmas shopping with the constant-foot-in-her-mouth Melody, Sissy buys a baby name book. Aw, I like this plotline. I mean, not Melody, but didn't many of us have a super-annoying friend at that age who, years later, we recognize as total mess? Naming the baby, though, that's really nice. Of course, I'm a little nervous Mommy McMeanie is just doing this to placate Sissy for now, and the name will be little more than how it goes on the birth certificate before she hands the kid off to some agency-approved set of adoptive parents. Hey, I'm not saying this is particularly a bad option; Sissy's just a kid, and Mommy has rheumatoid arthritis, so the baby is going to make life VERY tough on them. I just don't want to see Sissy's heart broken even more than it already is, with Bree brain dead.

Bree develops an infection, so the baby has to be delivered earlier than optimal. And Bree dies. Man, this is actually sad, you guys! The baby's fighting for her life, and they have a funeral for Bree. After the funeral, Sissy tags along with Stu to a school function, ready for any normalcy to take her mind off of the hell that is her life.

Of course she totes jumps Stu, and he's all THE FUCK? Oh, god, it's so embarrassing and sad; I hoped at least she'd get some smooching to make up for the crapload life has dumped on her, but instead Stu is just nice enough to pretend it never happened. Fine, yeah, this is waaaaay more likely how it actually would go, but I was for once hoping for a nice little only-in-books moment.

Sissy's spending all her spare time at the hospital with the baby, who's luckily, despite her birth into the Lurleneverse, getting healthier and stronger all the time. GO BABY! One day Sissy arrives to find that schemin' adoption agent there. OH NOES YOU GUYS! Actually, why am I rooting for Sissy and her mom to take home this baby? I have totally fallen prey to the mindset of the Lurleneverse! Send help before it's too late!

Because that's not shitty enough, Mel and Stu take her aside to tell her they've actually been going out since the summer. OH MY GOD NOT COOL YOU GUYS. Poor, poor Sissy. If you were real I would totally take you out for some totally unhealthy food, and commiserate because I have soooo been there. Being this age really sucks.

Mommy McMeanie's heart grows three sizes, and the baby comes home for Christmas! Yay!! Mel and Stu chip in to send over a Christmas tree, which helps Sissy get through her anger, sadness, and heartbreak (I mean, as far as they're concerned), and Sissy decides on the name Briana Noel, to be called Noel, for the baby. IT'S KIND OF LOVELY. I seriously can't believe I sort of enjoyed this book.

Just remember, guys, the danger grows: it turns out it isn't just virgins who have to fear death in the Lurleneverse. Beware, my friends, beware!

Check your email, or a Rose for Melinda

This was basically the most boring and pointless book I have ever read, which is saying a bit considering:

1. I collect Babysitters Club books
2. I take trips down memory lane all the time only to generally discover I had crap taste as a kid
3. I run this blog and therefore read a ton of Lurlene McDaniel novels on a regular basis

Yet with all that in mind, a Rose for Melinda (published 2002) is the epitome of lame. It is the example for unpublished writers to hold aloft while they take swigs from their bottles of Makers and curse the heavens their quality works aren't published while dreck like this found a publisher as well as shelf-space at Barnes & Noble.

Okay, fine, let's get into it:


Ooh, the titular rose!

Hey, you guys want to know what this is about? Too bad, the publisher was too lazy to write a synopsis. This is all they gave us:

From: Melinda Skye
To: Readers
Subject: Jesse

Hi! I can’t believe it. What a surprise from Jesse. When he got my e-mail about being accepted by the Washington School of Classical Dance’s summer program, he called to congratulate me! I loved hearing his voice. We’ve been friends forever–could it turn into something more?
Melinda


From: Jesse Rose
To: Readers
Subject: Melinda

I couldn’t believe the news. Melinda is so young! How could she be sick? How did she get leukemia? She’s got to get better. She’s got to.
Jesse

Oh, fuck. Did this strike fear in the heart of Ames? Damn straight. I have always hated books told in, you know, any other way but dialogue/narrative. Isn't that NORMAL? Argh. I still remember being a kid and wanting to read every single Beverly Cleary book in existence, but never getting more than a few pages into Dear Mr. Henshaw. Seriously, you guys, if I'd been reading this for ANY OTHER REASON than to recap here, I would have given up, like, one page in. Such is my devotion.

So we open with a bunch of little kid notes back and forth between Jesse and Melinda. So boring. Then it gets kind of creepy! There's A TRANSCRIPT of a VIDEOTAPE backstage at one of Melinda's dance recitals. It seriously felt so Case Designate "Cloverfield" found in US-447.

So basically there are letters from Melinda, who wants to be a ballet dancer, her BFF Jesse, and their parents. The parent stuff is just all "HEY CAN JESSE COME TO MELINDA'S HOUSE TODAY" and "OH THANK YOU FOR LETTING JESSE COME TO MELINDA'S HOUSE TODAY". Also a bunch of the letters are in different "handwritings" and fonts, so it's very Babysitters Club, though no one has the brilliance to dot their i's with hearts.

So Jesse's parents get divorced, so he has to move away to California! Oh noes! Jesse and Melinda keep writing though. Melinda gets a new neighbor, Bailey, who is her age but totes BOY-CRAZY. Also Bailey writes notes that are nothing but realistic:

When we walk home today, let's stop off at the Jiffy Store and buy some teen magazines so we can figure out what's hot this fall.

I freaking hate Bailey. The ONLY good thing about Bailey is that she has a cat who has kittens, and Melinda gets to keep one of the kittens. The kitten is white with a black mask on its face, so they call it Zorita. Whenever Zorita is mentioned, especially in the context of purring, I totally fall apart, because if there's anything I love it's a purring kitten. Aw, Zorita! I'm sorry you got stuck in this book, sweet fictional kitty.

So even IM conversations are preserved in this book. I'm really dirty-minded because this scene where, via IM, Melinda introduces Bailey and Jesse, made me laugh and laugh:

Bailey> Hi, Jesse. This is Bailey. I'm over at Melinda's house and we're IMing you together.
Jesse> Hi, Bailey. Melinda says you play the flute.

Yeeeeahhh, the skin flute, maybe. Shut up, Jesse, that's the weirdest way to say hello EVER.

So Melinda is, of course, a superfantastical dancer who gets to study at special summer programs and such. I wish I hadn't just read those recaps of Petals on the Wind because I need to be reprogrammed from thinking ballet is all about rape and getting punched in the face and car accidents and suicide. I promise you guys that none of those things are found in this book, which is maybe too bad because at least then this book wouldn't be so friggin' boring.

So Melinda writes herself a pep talk in her own diary, which is basically fantastic:

Stop it, Melinda!!! (Sometimes I have to be strict with myself.) Just go and dance and learn!

I am soooo writing that to myself anytime I get down, you guys.

Anyways, while Melinda is off at the special dance program, she writes all about the bruises on her legs. Since this is taking place in the Lurleneverse (and because I read the back cover copy), we all know what that means! (I have Lurlene to thank for my freaking out as a kid whenever I got a nasty bruise on my leg. And considering I'm extremely uncoordinated as well as pale as a friggin' vampire, this happened fairly often.)

Bailey writes a letter to Melinda in the meantime, chock full of her boy exploits:

Inside [the movie theater] it was practically empty and the theater was totally dark, and then Pete slid his arm around me and the next thing I knew he was KISSING me! Wow, I thought my nail polish would melt. It was SO hot! (And I don't mean the temperature.)

I think my I.Q. just dropped a few points.

So, yeah, bad news is to come: Melinda has leukemia! We find this out from the freaking LAB RESULTS printed here. This book is so friggin' bizarre, seriously. WHYYYY can't it just be a normal book?

It's a Lurlene book, so normal drill: chemo with lots and lots of details. Melinda shares this with her journal:

It looks like I won't be shaving my legs for a long, long time. "Chemo hair loss" means more than saying goodbye to the hair on top of my head. My eyebrows are gone and so are my eyelashes (not to mention body hair in very private places!).

A) Armpits are "very private"? B) I really could have gone my whole life without pubic hair being brought up in the Lurleneverse.

The chemo doesn't do the trick at first, so doctors try out some super high-dose fantastical chemo on Melinda. It clears that cancer right up, woo hooooo!! What the doctors don't tell her parents is that she can never have this high dose again since it is so effin' potent. But, I mean, c'mon, you guys, she won't get sick again, will she? Oh, crap, this isn't the real world, this is the LURLENEVERSE. Melinda, there is an awful lot of book left; I am quite concerned about your fate.

For Melinda's birthday, she asks for Jesse to fly out and see her. So he does, and she spends his whole trip feelin' all butterfly-y for him. She hates that she's all post-chemo and ugly, but at the end of the trip he still kisses her. Aw, Jesse! You're a good kid. Too bad you're stuck in this craptastic book.

Melinda goes back to school, and works at getting back to the same level of proficiency in ballet she'd achieved before her cancer. Jesse visits again, and this time Melinda's looking cute, and Bailey helps the two kids get some time alone together. Whatever, they're cute, but I keep checking how many pages are ahead of us, and I feel this is doooooomed.

I'm right! The cancer is back! (Yeah, of course we find out via lab reports again. Also, seriously, kids are expected to read friggin' lab reports? Weeeeeird.) And it's way worse than ever, especially with that high-dose chemo off-limits this time. The only possibility is a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, Melinda's mom is a good match! Everyone rallies around Melinda, and Jesse flies out again to see her.

Melinda gets sick right away with viral meningitis! Suuuuuck! After reading accounts by both Melinda's mom and Jesse about how very sick Melinda is, we get the AUDIO TRANSCRIPTION BY DR. LEIGH NEELY, ONCOLOGIST, FOR INSERTION INTO MEDICAL FILE OF MELINDA SKYE who, ya know, gives all the death details. Sorry, Melinda, but I kind of figured. Also, seriously, please explain this book to me! Is it a morbid scrapbook? How were all these things gathered? AGH.

There were a few random occasions where they'd just have a page or two of normal narrative/dialogue, but they were few and far between. Also, midway through the book, Jesse is referred to for several pages as "Jessie". Luckily I figured it out and didn't think a new character had been introduced.

The book ends with letters Melinda wrote to her parents and to Jesse that she had Bailey leave for them in the case of her death. Hmmm, Melinda must have known about her place in the Lurleneverse! Then Jesse emails Bailey to get help putting a letter in Melinda's hand at the wake, and Bailey promises to help him.

You guys want the letter? Sure, I can do that!:

It may be a lifetime before I see you again on the far side of time. Wait for me. Look for me. Please don't forget me, Melinda Skye, because one day I will come to you. I will come.

Jesse Rose

WHAAAAAT! That is the weirdest letter to give your dead girlfriend EVER. CONSTANT VIGILANCE, MELINDA-IN-HEAVEN, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!