Emotional abuse will kill you, just not how you think, or Telling Christina Goodbye

I always feel like it's bad news for a recap when I sort of shrug and say "oh I guess that wasn't so bad!" And it's with this confession I bring you Telling Christina Goodbye.

What's it about, you ask? Okay, actually, you didn't ask that. You are currently assuming it's about telling someone named Christina goodbye. People, you would be CORRECT! But let's dive a little deeper!:

Trisha Thompson and her best friend Christina are having a great senior year. Trisha and her boyfriend, Cody, are making plans to attend Indiana University together in the fall, while Christina has already received a scholarship to the University of Vermont. Everything would be perfect if only Trisha got along with Christina's controlling boyfriend Tucker, who is trying to convince Christina not to go away for college. But suddenly their lives change one night when Tucker is driving the four home from an away basketball game. When his car hits a patch of black ice and overturns, Tucker walks away with barely a scratch, but Trisha is injured, Cody is in a coma, and Christina is dead. Those left behind must learn that it takes time for their scars - both visible and not - to heal. And they must find the courage to move on with their lives.

You know, between that and the cover...:


Thanks, back-cover-copywriter! Thank you cover designer! Now I already know the plot of HALF THE BOOK. I mean, I guess the second you start reading, with a title like Telling Christina Goodbye, once you meet a character named Christina you're picturing death over her shoulder. So basically everyone involved at this stage of the game should have been fired.

This isn't to say that one is ever really THAT surprised getting immersed in the Lurleneverse. You know there's gonna be death or at least severe injury/disease. Yeah? But that's more like knowing if you pick up a romance novel there's gonna be some kissing, a plot contrivance to separate our lovers, and then ANOTHER plot contrivance to bring them back. Wouldn't the equivalent be a book called Getting Engaged to Bob Loblaw where the back-cover copy listed exactly the steps to Bob Loblaw gettin' down on one knee and pulling out that ring from Jared? Sure, that was to be expected BUT DID YOU HAVE TO LAY IT ALL OUT FOR US GEEEEEEZ.

Okay, back in the Lurleneverse, we meet Trisha and her best friend Christina, both high school seniors. Oooh, Christina, despite your young age, I'm worried about your fate! Anyways, Christina is locked in a bathroom stall crying about her dumbass of a boyfriend Tucker. I HATE TUCKER!!! See, these kids live in the middle of nowhere, Illinois (hey, I used to live near there!), and Christina just got this awwwwesome scholarship to the U of Vermont. Her and her parents and Trisha are jazzed. Good for you, Christina! I was so friggin' envious of all the kids like you who got those kind of deals while I was working at TJ Maxx to put myself through community college.

So what's the problem? Christina's asshole boyfriend WHO SHE'S BEEN SEEING SINCE EIGHTH GRADE totes DOES NOT APPROVE. He says she has to stay near him. Why can't he just go with her? Well, Tucker gets shit grades so he can only go to a nearby crap school. He thinks it's fair for Christina to go to a shit school to.

Okay so I know I rag on Lurlene a lot for her supposed lady-hatred demonstrated by, ya know, writing how working mommies are the devil's handmaidens, but I love that this is totally not approved of! Tucker is shown to be an asshole just during this short little conversation, and Trisha's disapproval speaks for all of us, yeah? Good work, Lurlene, pushy dudes who inflict emotional abuse are NOT COOL.

Christina is all "WELL I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL BE DOING BOTH SIDES HAVE COMPELLING ADVANTAGES" and we're all "UH HELLO NO ONE IS A CRAP SCHOOL WITH AN ASSHOLE BOYFRIEND WHILE THE OTHER IS PAID FOR AND AWWWWESOME". God, Trisha, I feel your pain. I don't know how I could reason with this lady! Haven't we all had friends with douchey boys? At the end of the day it just sucks.

Trisha is at her little brother Charlie's basketball practice when stupid Tucker sits down next to her. GODDAMN TUCKER! He's all "HEY I GUESS YOU DON'T LIKE ME VERY MUCH" and Trisha is all "uhhh YEAH" and I seriously hate Tucker so much already! I'm just relieved that for once I'm SUPPOSED to! I'm not saying Lurlene is some beacon of revealing truths about gender relations in our culture but at least she recognizes abuse when she sees (writes?) it.

So we meet Trisha's boyfriend Cody, who I guess is okay. Lurlene couldn't write a realistic high school boyfriend if one came up and bit her on the ass, but he's fine. God, you guys, I am so sorry for that mental picture. I myself can't shake it, but my pain is your pain, all right? The one thing I don't love about Cody is he is all about excusing Tucker's behaviour. Like, he's a much better dude than Tucker (most dudes are) but he doesn't seem to get that crazy jealous and controlling behaviour is NOT okay. It makes you worry, doesn't it?

Also, of course, Trisha and Cody have TOTALLY NORMAL AND REALISTIC couple chats and, like, schticks:

[Cody's] smile lit up his eyes and made them crinkle at the corners. She loved it when he came up behind her in the halls, put his arm around her shoulder, and whispered in her ear, "Who loves you, babe?"

And she'd say, "Have we met?"

And he'd say, "Don't tell me you're spoken for. Am I going to have to take some guy out before we can live happily ever after?"

And she'd say, "No. You're the one I want."

"Forever?"

"Forever."

Gross! Also how many typical high school kids are all hung up on this notion of "forever"? Dudes, you're like seventeen or eighteen; forever is a long-ass time away. Maybe you should go to college and experiment with your sexuality first. Oh, wait, except Trisha and Cody are going to the same nearby state school. I guess it's okay to do that when a big move isn't required? Ugh.

Jackass Tucker shows up at Trisha's house, and he's all I TOTES FIGURED IT OUT BEOTCH CHRISTINA WILL NEVER EVER EVER LEAVE MEEEEEE and he shows her a diamond ring. Yep, that's right, Tucker's gonna propose on Valentine's Day, and of course since Christina has no backbone where Tucker's concerned, she's gonna say yes, and there goes her scholarship and good education. GodDAMN.

So the four kids all double-date to an away game (Christina used to be a cheerleader but she quit right after football season SHE SAID to focus on her studies but Trisha knows it's because Tucker didn't like other dudes "ogling" Christina in her cheer gear OH SHUT UPPP TUCKER YOU ARE SO ONE-DIMENSIONAL AND CLICHED). Of course some guy Christina IS FRIENDS WITH does the unthinkable and TALKS TO HER and of course this is a guy Tucker's already WARNED so he beats down this poor dude's ass. Our foursome leave the game in pissy moods, obviously for different reasons. Tucker's, of course, driving like the jackassy bastard he is, and gets into some sort of road rage regarding some dudes from the rival school. You guys saw the cover so you know how this ends:

CAR CRASH!

Trisha wakes up and she's hurt and bleeding and was thrown from the car. Tucker is there and he seems fine OF COURSE. Some guys have all the luck! He's also lucky because Trisha can't remember any details of the wreck so she's unaware it was his jackassy driving that caused it.

Trisha is airlifted to a hospital, and from the helicopter she sees two bodies lying near the wreck. OH NOES.

She's examined at the hospital (cuts and a sprained knee, nothin' too bad all things considered) and gets some craptastic news: Cody is in a coma, and Christina is DEAD. Oh HELL. Of course, if you looked at the picture on the cover or read the synopsis this DOES NOT SURPRISE YOU.

It's all pretty sad! Cody is at a fancy hospital in Chicago, because they have a super head trauma department, so Trisha can't visit him right away. Boo hoo! And when she does, he's just, ya know, comatose, though at least that gives Lurlene an excuse to squeeze in all this medical knowledge about comas and shit. Lurlene must loooove Wikipedia.

More sad stuff! Trisha goes to Christina's funeral. She's really freaked out about seeing her friend in a casket, as I think most of us would be. Luckily, she gets this bit of comfort:

Panic raced down Trisha's spine. "I--I don't--"

"She looks pretty," Christina's father, Nelson, said. "Don't be alarmed."

WAIT WHAT? Was that actually what Trisha was worried about, that Christina wouldn't be pretty? The hell? Nelson, you're probably not a very good father, are you?

So Trisha goes back to school way earlier than anyone thinks is wise. They ask her to say a few words at a memorial service for Christina, and of course she freaks out and flees the scene - as would most of us, I assume! - and Abby, a girl who is on the yearbook staff with her, comes to get her. Whyyy? Trisha wants to know the same thing:

"And why would you do that?"

"Because I know what you've been going through."

Trisha unlocked the door, threw it open, and glared at Abby. "People say that all the time. But it's a lie! [This is my favorite line right now. It's fun to shout; try it! BUT IT'S A LIE!] Nobody knows how I feel. How could you?"

Whoa, Trisha, way to harsh Abby's mellow. Also WAY TO GUESS INCORRECTLY. Abby knows EXACTLY what you're going through because when she was little, her brother was in a car accident AND DIED. Sorry, Abby!

So Tucker is all up in Trisha's grill about whether or not she exactly remembers the accident. She doesn't! But she knows SOMETHING is up. I started to get the same feeling, in that way that I'd totally read this plotline before... but not in the Lurleneverse. Actually there's a whole plot in a book I loved as a twelve-year-old called Izzy, Willy-Nilly by Cynthia Voigt. In that book, Izzy totes knew a drunk driver was responsible for the car wreck that claimed one of her legs, but the guy and his girlfriend WHO WAS A FRIEND OF HERS put all this pressure on her not to tell. Considering Izzy, Willy-Nilly is the kind of book you just KNOW Lurlene wish she wrote, this feels a little plagiarizy. Sorry to put it out there, I'm just saying. Then again, I guess there are so many post-car wreck scenarios to write about, so maybe it's just an honest overlap. Also, Izzy, Willy-Nilly is an interesting book to reread as an adult. I'm really not sure I recommend it!

So OMG YOU GUYS Cody is awake from his coma!!!!! Unfortunately, he thinks he's in middle school. And that means he doesn't remember Trisha (OR the details of the crash OR that the others in the crash were also his friends) because:

No wonder he didn't remember her. They'd only started dating in high school.

You guys, how weird is that "only"? So because Christina and Tucker got together in eighth grade it was way late in the game to couple up in friggin' HIGH SCHOOL? It's funny because in a lot of Lurlene's books the one thing I can't complain about is that she seems to have a decent grasp on the fact that young kids might know each other for awhile before actually dating or hooking up or whatever, so this seems kind of inconsistent and weird. Alas!

Cody freaks out since he doesn't know Trisha, and she flees in tears. When she gets back from Chicago, Abby comes over to cheer her up. Trisha dishes the full story and this is Abby's response:

"Low blow," Abby said, patting Trisha on the back and handing her a wad of tissue.

LOW BLOW? That doesn't even really make any sense. Thank you for being a friend, Abby.

Cody comes home from the hospital, and Trisha spends time with him, hoping the old Cody will come back. Good ol' Tucker does the same thing, because apparently now he's a good person. Whatever. I hate you, Tucker. He promises to keep visiting Cody:

"Will you come back?" Cody asked.

"Do you want me to?"

"We were friends. I'm not sure I had that many."

"You did," Tucker said. "You were a regular guy. Everyone liked you."

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? People like regular guys only? Is that, like, shorter Tucker: you weren't a weirdo freak? Also, godDAMN has Lurlene skillfully captured the way eighteen year old dudes talk to each other.

Christina's mom Julia calls Trisha, and she finds out they're moving. Bad Dad Nelson got a new job, plus they're ready to leave this place behind. Don't blame you guys! Julia suggests to Trisha that she take a few things from Christina's room to remember her by. This part got to me a little, guys, only because, okay, imagine your best friend is dead and her mom is pushing you to take things so you're surrounded by all her crap except you're never seeing her again and, oh, man, did we all just think of the items we'd take? Just me? All right then. Anyways, this awkward exchange occurs:

"I should go. I told Mom I'd be back by lunch."

"Certainly. Of course." Julia didn't move. "May I ask a favor?"

"Anything."

"Would you let me hold you for just a minute?" Tears shimmered on Julia's lashes.

"Hold me? Well, gee, sure."

WELL GEE ALL RIGHT THEN!

Lurlene gives us this great totally meta moment between Trisha and Cody, while they're hanging outside at his place:

"They say this is bad for us," Trisha commented. "That the sun causes skin cancer." [CANCER CANCER CANCER YAAAAY IN A COMA BOOK!]

"I don't care. It feels good, and I'm going stir-crazy being stuck inside the house all the time."

"I don't care either." At the moment, cancer didn't seem like half the threat that everyday life did.

OH MY GOD TRISHA THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE IN THE LURLEVERSE. CANCER IS BASICALLY YOUR BIGGEST ENEMY OMGGGG STOP TAUNTING THE CANCER.

Trisha's life IS getting better, though, despite her obvious impending visit from the cancer gods. She's hanging out a lot with Cody, helping him, and even though he's probably never going to be the old Cody again, he's pretty cool. She takes up Christina's old volunteer position at a nursing home, and she's working hard on the yearbook and hanging out lots with Abby. But:

She even filled out a job application at Home Depot, but her parents had a fit and forbade her to turn it in.

Um, do they understand what Home Depot is? It's not like she went and got a job at Hooters or, I dunno, Hustler or something. What the hell, parents?

So the police investigation ends, and the wreck is declared an accident, not vehicular homicide. Trisha is not thrilled at that news, because that means Tucker's in the clear. But does she actually, deep down, think he's guilty? Or does she just want to blame a jackasshole for the tragedy? DUM DUM DUMMMM!

Cody returns to school, and it's totes rough on him. Oh Cody! Ensuing gossip gave me basically the best example of Lurlene's dialogue trying its hardest to pop with realism and, well, hissing to the ground like a pricked balloon:

When she walked into the bathroom and overheard two junior girls gossiping about it, she glared at them and said, "Don't you two have anything better to talk about?"

One said, "Gee ['gee' again??], we didn't mean anything by it."

"Then shut up about it."

"It's a free country," one girl dared to say. [Oooh! A dare!]

"Then I might just take advantage of my freedom to stick your head down a toilet." [Uh, Trisha, her gossip is covered by free speech. Sticking someone's head in a toilet is NOT free speech nor constitutionally guaranteed.]

The girl's eyes widened [at the lameness of that threat?]. "No need to go postal about it. We were just talking."

So Trisha and Cody go to the prom as a double-date with Abby and her boyfriend. Yay! Trisha and Cody's parents go in together on a fancy limo because they can't stand the thought of the kids not having a driver on a double date. Yeah, can't say I blame you, parents. Luckily this night does NOT end in a car crash! Whew!

In talking to Cody about the car wreck, Trisha has a chilling sensation. She's all, "there were nights when the wind was so cold that my body froze in bed if I just listened to it right outside the window. There were days when the sun was so cruel that all the tears turned to dust and I just knew my eyes were drying out forever. IT'S ALL COMING BACK TO ME NOW!"



Trisha runs to confront Tucker. She accuses him of not being able to pass the other car on the left, so passing it on the right ON THE SHOULDER where he hit black ice and spun out. He's all, shrug, yeah, I know, sucks, right? Tucker's actually confessed this all already, it just doesn't change the fact that it's categorized as an accident, not vehicular homicide, especially once Christina's parents dropped all charges against him. Trisha's all BUT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THEY THINK IT WAS TOTES JUST NORMAL ICE NOT SHOULDER BLACK ICE YOU BASTARD and he's all WHAT WOULD IT CHANGE and Trisha knows basically she just wants everyone to hate Tucker too. Trisha, I feel your pain.

Actually Tucker does tell everyone at school though! Thing is, it actually makes people feel SORRIER for him. Ruh-roh! I kind of liked the way this was handled, actually. The whole book led me to think there was going to be big-ass law drama for Tucker and his stupid ass, but it just sort of fizzled - it pains me to say - much like real life.

So Trisha gets accepted into a good state school, but Cody can't graduate because he missed too much and had trouble catching up once he came back. So Trisha's all, that's fine, I'll stay here and go to the community college next year and take care of you! After the whole thing about Christina giving up the opportunity in Vermont just to stay near Tucker, I thought we were in for a super life lesson about how Trisha needed to go away after all and hopefully Cody would understand. But, nope! That's just fine! And that's how it ends, kids:

She laid her cheek against his shoulder. "I love you, Cody."

He kissed her temple. "And I love you. I may not remember many things from before the accident. I may never remember all of my life from before. Truth is, I don't even try to remember it all anymore. I'm just taking it day by day. And the best part about every day is finding it in you." [Finding WHAT in her? Dirty.]

Goose bumps raced up her arms, and her heart filled to overflowing. [Her heart totally goes to eleven.] "Well, get used to it. I plan to be around for a long, long time."

"Forever?" he asked.

"Forever," she answered.

And there you have it, folks, thus ends our life lessons on how to royally screw up any chance of a functional adult relationship! Oh well. This jaunt through the Lurleneverse gave us more good lessons than bad, only nice mothers, and the stern warning that emotionally abusive assholes are dangerous. I'll take it.

A handy list for your perusal

You guys! I have been getting some emails and comments asking if I'm going to recap this or that Lurlene book. My goal is truly to hit all of them, and the only thing really holding me back is finding them all dirt cheap. But I do have some waiting at home, and some other coming to me through the glory and beauty of a friend in the book biz and also, of course, eBay.

So without further ado I present a master list of all the Lurlene titles I plan on recapping! The ones already recapped merely have links to their recaps, while the titles I have (or will soon have) are marked as well. I plan on updating this list at least weekly, so feel free to check back with it whenever you'd like. And, yes, I will take requests, if it's something I have!

Guard the retarded, or Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough

Oh my god, you guys. The used bookstore must have known I was coming, because stuffed in between a million other mass-market paperbacks was something amazing, a Lurlene book so old:

1. I'd never even heard of it
2. she'd yet to develop a disease fetish
3. it's not available online to purchase except used
4. the cover art/synopsis aren't anywhere on the web
5. the retail price printed on the book is $1.75

HOLY CRAP WHAT A FIND! Ladies and gentlemen, I welcome you to Sometimes Love Just Isn't Enough (published 1984). What's this treasure about? Not disease, you guys, not disease!:

Funny, Andrea thought. It's funny how quietly everybody talks when life-changing decisions are being made.

Andrea is thirteen and scared. She feels her family is falling apart. She can't even admit to herself that her parents are divorcing. They say that they love her, but she needs more than just words in her life.

Andrea's life does become better when she begins to understand some things [as do all of ours, yeah?]. . . especially when she finds someone special who begins to understand her.

You guys, I wanted you to see this so badly that I took a picture for you:


OH MY GOD YOU GUYS! Check out Andrea's mullet! Check out her white skirt! Check out the matching shirt and socks! Also, seriously, this is the most misleading cover; I thought I was getting myself into a Sweet Dreams scenario, but this book is totes NOT a teen romance. That said, check out the dude's white jeans! Holy hell, they're amazing. Every single thing about this picture is amazing.

Okay, so some background info on how I write these recaps: as I read the books, I dog-ear any page I want to quote from/write about. Generally I do that about five to ten times for the whole book, generally closer to five. For this book, I did it twenty times. TWENTY. At a certain point I thought it might be easier just to retype the whole friggin' novel for you guys, but I managed to narrow it down.

So we meet Andrea Manetti, who is thirteen and about to start junior high! AW YEAH. At first I thought Andrea was a pervert, given that this is how the book opens:

They were at it again. Andrea Manetti sighed deeply. She got up from her sitting position on her bed and stood quietly beside her bedroom door, listening.

Actually, Andrea is listening to her parents fighting. Oh, well then! What are they fighting about? WELL WHAT DO YOU THINK?

The arguments were always about the same things... lack of money, her mother's desire to go to work, her father's insistence that she stay at home like a "normal" woman and take care of her family.

OH MY GOD I HATE MR. MANETTI ALREADY. Also, whyyyy the scare quotes around "normal"? I can just picture snotty-ass misogynistic Mr. Manetti making air quotes as he yells that. Also it's made clear that money is tight for the Manettis, so WHAT THE FUCK.

Andrea's dad storms out, and Andrea tries to distract herself:

Andrea picked up her newest copy of Teen, her favorite magazine, and began leafing through the pages. How she loved her magazines!

I was hoping Andrea's mom was awesome, given that I want to support her in her desire to be anything but "normal", but as soon as she yells upstairs for Andrea, that dream goes up in a puff of smoke and mirrors:

Suddenly she heard her mother's angry voice yell from the foot of the stairs. "For heaven's sake, Andi! Can't you hear the stupid phone? You know it's for you. No one ever calls me!"

Geez, I wonder why.

The phone call's from Terri, Andrea's BFF. She wants Andrea to spend the night, since school starts in TWO WEEKS OH NOES. Andrea goes to ask her beotch mom, who snarks that Andrea and Terri are just like Siamese twins (ouch, conjoined, anyone?), but does relent, as long as Andrea gets her brother for dinner.

Okay, so I thought "Siamese twins" was pretty bad as far as terms we used to think were okay and now know better. But I'd just glimpsed the tip of the iceberg, folks; I had no idea how it was all gonna go down:

"Andi... Andi..." he cooed to her. Timmy was such a beautiful child. She still found it hard to believe that her brother was mentally retarded. [RETARDED YOU GUYS.] He was six years old, but had the mental age of a three-year-old. According to his doctors he'd never be mentally older than twelve or thirteen.

Andrea could still remember when Timmy had been two years old. The doctors had told her parents about Timmy. At two, he still wasn't walking or talking. When her parents had him checked, the diagnosis had been, "Birth defect... retarded since birth."

It had been very hard on her parents, especially her father. His only son was hopelessly retarded. [HOPELESSLY RETARDED!]

Andrea hasn't told anyone about Timmy except a few friends, including Terri:

It didn't seem right that the whole world should know. ... What a life, she thought inwardly. [As opposed to...?] I have a retarded brother and arguing, bickering parents.

Oh WOE IS ME.

So she heads over to Terri's house, where they experiment with hair and makeup.

"Let's try some clothes on to fit my image," Andrea suggested. The two girls rummaged through Terri's closet and eventually settled on a purple off-the-shoulder sweatshirt, a tight pair of jeans and lavender leg warmers. Suede half-boots completed the outfit. [I'd make fun of this except that this outfit is perfectly passable now. Hello, I live one town over from Silverlake.]

"You look kind of neat," Terri said. [Ooh, hold back with the compliments, Terri.]

Andrea liked what she saw in the mirror, too. "It's not too bad," she said.

Lurlene has really nailed the way normal kids talk! Check out this from Terri's sister:

"Ah, Ma..." eighteen-year-old Julia complained. "Classes start next week at the junior college. I need out figure out my curriculum."

Andrea likes to give herself pep talks not unlike those that Melinda gave herself in her journal:

"Just wait!" she told herself fiercely. "Just wait and see!"

"Fiercely"? Sounds like someone's been watching too much Project Runway:


Back at chez Manetti, the 'rents are fighting again. Oh, them! There is this weird paragraph that ends this section:

"Thanks a lot!" her father said angrily to his wife as Andrea and Timmy left the room. Then her mom said something. [What?] The last thing Andrea remembered was her parents yelling and fighting with each other again.

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?? Did she pass out? Did she catch some of that amnesia? What??

Andrea starts junior high, and keeps getting hassled by this tough dude named TONY COLUMBO. Oooh tough! He does stuff like pin her up against the lockers, trip her, grab her arm, totally manhandles her. I fucking hate Tony Columbo! I know Andrea's a whiner with a mullet who is ashamed of her brother's disability, but dudes throwing that kind of force at ladies just isn't cool.

So Andrea is really into singing and musicals and all of that, which is cool because if I had any talent I would be too! I think maybe Lurlene should have talked to some people who'd actually gone through choir and a school musical, though, before writing about them. You know how Andrea gets to be a soprano in her choir class? She just walks in and sits in the section labeled "soprano". Oh, okay! I guess all that time my teacher spent checking our ranges was just a waaaaste.

So of course Tony Columbo is in Andrea's choir class. She wishes he was nicer because he's good-looking. Oh, man, don't make these kids end up together. I hate abusive jerks, no matter what their excuses are. BECAUSE YOU JUST KNOW COLUMBO HAS AN EXCUSE.

The parents are, of course, still fighting:

"You're not going to get a job!" said Mr. Manetti to his wife.

"Why not? There's never any money for extras! We're already so far in debt that we'll never get out," yelled Andrea's mother.

"That's my problem! No wife of Jim Manetti's is going to work!" her dad said tensely. [Oh you fucking asshole! And how is it only YOUR problem, when the finances affect the WHOLE FAMILY.]

...

"You have plenty to do around this house," her dad continued loudly, "if you'd just get off your high horse and do it. I come home... the place is always a mess. And you want to go to work!"
"Oh, yeah," Mrs. Manetti shot back. "This is real challenging work -- cleaning house and washing dishes. We almost starve because you're such a big shot and don't want your wife to work and help out." [You tell 'em, Mrs. Manetti!]

"The kids need a full-time mother!" Andrea's dad yelled.

"Why?" she asked hotly. "Andi's in junior high. She's old enough to let herself in after school and to even start supper for me. Timmy's in that special school which costs an arm and a leg, I might add! The school also has day care. I can pick him up on my way home from work."

"You're not working!" he shouted.

"I AM WORKING!" she shouted back. She paused and added, "I already have a job."

That's right! Andrea's mom is working as a bank teller, and she loves it, and she's proud of herself! Okay then! Of course Andrea's dad storms out.

Well, of course, GUESS WHO'S GETTING A DIVORCE? That's right, we all saw it coming, just like cancer in a normal Lurlene book. Andrea's dad moves out, and she hardly sees him at all. Even on Christmas he only stops by for a short time, though it's long enough to be a total dick:

"Get off my back! [he says to Andrea's mom] "You're the one with the fancy job...."

NO OFFENSE BUT WTF DOES HE THINK A BANK TELLER IS? Yes it's a fine job but "FANCY"? The fuck? I really hate this asshole. I hope Andrea goes off to college and double majors in singing and women's studies and writes really angry music about her misogynist father.

In better news, the school is putting on a production of Grease. Grease is the word! Andrea is of course trying out to be Sandy. She auditions with "Hopelessly Devoted to You" which, YOU GUYS, was NOT in the original stage show, just in the movie, and wasn't added until that 1990s revival. Now, okay, I had to confirm this information on Wikipedia, but I'm still kind of ashamed I spotted this mistake so quickly. Since when am I some sort of Grease aficionado?

Also Lurlene refers to the chorus or ensemble as the play's "extras". OH MY GOD LURLENE. This stuff is NOT HARD TO CHECK. If you don't have one friend who was in a high school musical, then what the hell kind of life do you live? I myself have more friends who were than weren't.

Guess who's playing Danny in Grease? Well, Columbo, OF COURSE. They get along great, ugh. I hate Columbo! There's this weird scene where he offers to ride home on the city bus with her (Lurlene really has a thing about city buses, doesn't she?) and then says, "Come on, we'll walk down to the pizza parlor." THEN THEY GO TO McDONALD'S. And there is no explanation like "oh, well, this was waaaay closer." NOPE! Does Lurlene think McDonald's is a pizza parlor? She thinks the ensemble members are referred to as extras, so I don't doubt it.

Andrea tries this big effort to make a fancy dinner and get both of her parents in the same room, now that her mom has all this work confidence and new and stylish clothes, but of course her parents are all "NO WAY JOSE". In the craziness of this, Andrea leaves Timmy's door unlatched! YOU GUYS THIS IS NOT GOOD:

Because he was retarded, Timmy wasn't responsible enough to be left unguarded.

I mean, he's only seven, I'm not sure "because he's retarded" is the reason this is a bad idea, Manettis!

So Timmy cannot be found anywhere, and a news team shows up. YOU GUYS THIS IS HOW THEY REPORT ON THIS:

"Little Timmy Manetti, the six-year-old retarded son of divorced parents, Ruth and Jim Manetti, is missing..."

So I guess Fox News sent that one out. If I was a journalism teacher I would tell my students to think of eleventy billion ways better than this to break this story. HINT HINT NONE INVOLVE THE WORDS 'RETARDED' OR 'DIVORCED'.

Whew, Timmy is found the next morning, sleeping in some dude's truck. IT'S ALL GOOD. Knowing what I do about Lurlene's fascinations, I totes expected Timmy might show up dead, so it was a relief.

Grease is about to open, and Andrea's all Bitchy McBitch about her parents being divorced. Columbo's all, yeah, at least they both love you and your dad doesn't beat you up! He's got a point, Andreaaaaa. So her parents show up to see the show, and Andrea realizes she IS lucky! She is so loved! And her parents SHOULDN'T be together, because look how much happier everyone is now!

So, uh, at least while the lesson might have been that working women cause divorce, it was also that perhaps working women have better self-esteem and are happier. Also, sure, Columbo helps her come to that conclusion, but it's not like they ended up makin' out or even dating! I'll take that much, Lurlene, I'll take it!

Tuning in Yet Again to the Lurlene Channel

If you are into really obvious publishing information as well as the return of the disembodied voice, you are in for a treat!



This is, so far, the most boring and pointless offering on the Lurlene Channel. Books get turned in to publishers way ahead of time, Prey is spelled P-R-E-Y, and it's VERY DIFFERENT. Don't worry, you guys, in the near future, I will be recapping it for you, but there are some other titles ahead first.

On LurleneTV: Lurlene's Process

Here it is! The moment you've been waiting for! Lurlene takes us through HER PROCESS!:



I am all embarrassed because when I write, I too start with characters. I'm curious about this, though. Like, when she says she starts with the characters, does she mean she starts with Carrie, perfect child, wants to be stand-up comedian or is it more like CARRIE USED TO HAVE LEUKEMIA, NOW LET ME WRITE TEN PAGES ABOUT BONE MARROW ASPIRATIONS IN PAINSTAKING DETAIL? I'm curious. Where Lurlene is concerned, I feel that plot and character kind of run hand-in-hand and then leap all over the place like an untrained dog.

You guys, it totally freaked me out when that RANDOM DISEMBODIED VOICE asked a follow-up question!! WHO WAS THAT?

Favorite line:

"Right now I'm still just getting -- believe it or not, because I'm almost a quarter done [didn't she just say she was a third done?] -- I'm still kind of dancing with the characters."

One thing I thought about after seeing this, and was also pointed out to me by my friend Stacey, is that when I started this blog, I thought about the fact that Lurlene has, like, fifty books out, and I figured she must use a ghostwriter. But the more I hear her talk, the more I find that kind of unlikely. This is a woman who lives and breathes pro-cess.

Honestly, the thing that strikes me most about these videos so far, is that even though she writes these crazy death books where moms shouldn't work, Lurlene just seems like this regular lady. My roommate Dawn Rochelle said, "she seems like a normal, kooky aunt you’d have, who’d give you paper-maché earrings.” I concur, Dawn Rochelle, I concur.

Check your email, or a Rose for Melinda

This was basically the most boring and pointless book I have ever read, which is saying a bit considering:

1. I collect Babysitters Club books
2. I take trips down memory lane all the time only to generally discover I had crap taste as a kid
3. I run this blog and therefore read a ton of Lurlene McDaniel novels on a regular basis

Yet with all that in mind, a Rose for Melinda (published 2002) is the epitome of lame. It is the example for unpublished writers to hold aloft while they take swigs from their bottles of Makers and curse the heavens their quality works aren't published while dreck like this found a publisher as well as shelf-space at Barnes & Noble.

Okay, fine, let's get into it:


Ooh, the titular rose!

Hey, you guys want to know what this is about? Too bad, the publisher was too lazy to write a synopsis. This is all they gave us:

From: Melinda Skye
To: Readers
Subject: Jesse

Hi! I can’t believe it. What a surprise from Jesse. When he got my e-mail about being accepted by the Washington School of Classical Dance’s summer program, he called to congratulate me! I loved hearing his voice. We’ve been friends forever–could it turn into something more?
Melinda


From: Jesse Rose
To: Readers
Subject: Melinda

I couldn’t believe the news. Melinda is so young! How could she be sick? How did she get leukemia? She’s got to get better. She’s got to.
Jesse

Oh, fuck. Did this strike fear in the heart of Ames? Damn straight. I have always hated books told in, you know, any other way but dialogue/narrative. Isn't that NORMAL? Argh. I still remember being a kid and wanting to read every single Beverly Cleary book in existence, but never getting more than a few pages into Dear Mr. Henshaw. Seriously, you guys, if I'd been reading this for ANY OTHER REASON than to recap here, I would have given up, like, one page in. Such is my devotion.

So we open with a bunch of little kid notes back and forth between Jesse and Melinda. So boring. Then it gets kind of creepy! There's A TRANSCRIPT of a VIDEOTAPE backstage at one of Melinda's dance recitals. It seriously felt so Case Designate "Cloverfield" found in US-447.

So basically there are letters from Melinda, who wants to be a ballet dancer, her BFF Jesse, and their parents. The parent stuff is just all "HEY CAN JESSE COME TO MELINDA'S HOUSE TODAY" and "OH THANK YOU FOR LETTING JESSE COME TO MELINDA'S HOUSE TODAY". Also a bunch of the letters are in different "handwritings" and fonts, so it's very Babysitters Club, though no one has the brilliance to dot their i's with hearts.

So Jesse's parents get divorced, so he has to move away to California! Oh noes! Jesse and Melinda keep writing though. Melinda gets a new neighbor, Bailey, who is her age but totes BOY-CRAZY. Also Bailey writes notes that are nothing but realistic:

When we walk home today, let's stop off at the Jiffy Store and buy some teen magazines so we can figure out what's hot this fall.

I freaking hate Bailey. The ONLY good thing about Bailey is that she has a cat who has kittens, and Melinda gets to keep one of the kittens. The kitten is white with a black mask on its face, so they call it Zorita. Whenever Zorita is mentioned, especially in the context of purring, I totally fall apart, because if there's anything I love it's a purring kitten. Aw, Zorita! I'm sorry you got stuck in this book, sweet fictional kitty.

So even IM conversations are preserved in this book. I'm really dirty-minded because this scene where, via IM, Melinda introduces Bailey and Jesse, made me laugh and laugh:

Bailey> Hi, Jesse. This is Bailey. I'm over at Melinda's house and we're IMing you together.
Jesse> Hi, Bailey. Melinda says you play the flute.

Yeeeeahhh, the skin flute, maybe. Shut up, Jesse, that's the weirdest way to say hello EVER.

So Melinda is, of course, a superfantastical dancer who gets to study at special summer programs and such. I wish I hadn't just read those recaps of Petals on the Wind because I need to be reprogrammed from thinking ballet is all about rape and getting punched in the face and car accidents and suicide. I promise you guys that none of those things are found in this book, which is maybe too bad because at least then this book wouldn't be so friggin' boring.

So Melinda writes herself a pep talk in her own diary, which is basically fantastic:

Stop it, Melinda!!! (Sometimes I have to be strict with myself.) Just go and dance and learn!

I am soooo writing that to myself anytime I get down, you guys.

Anyways, while Melinda is off at the special dance program, she writes all about the bruises on her legs. Since this is taking place in the Lurleneverse (and because I read the back cover copy), we all know what that means! (I have Lurlene to thank for my freaking out as a kid whenever I got a nasty bruise on my leg. And considering I'm extremely uncoordinated as well as pale as a friggin' vampire, this happened fairly often.)

Bailey writes a letter to Melinda in the meantime, chock full of her boy exploits:

Inside [the movie theater] it was practically empty and the theater was totally dark, and then Pete slid his arm around me and the next thing I knew he was KISSING me! Wow, I thought my nail polish would melt. It was SO hot! (And I don't mean the temperature.)

I think my I.Q. just dropped a few points.

So, yeah, bad news is to come: Melinda has leukemia! We find this out from the freaking LAB RESULTS printed here. This book is so friggin' bizarre, seriously. WHYYYY can't it just be a normal book?

It's a Lurlene book, so normal drill: chemo with lots and lots of details. Melinda shares this with her journal:

It looks like I won't be shaving my legs for a long, long time. "Chemo hair loss" means more than saying goodbye to the hair on top of my head. My eyebrows are gone and so are my eyelashes (not to mention body hair in very private places!).

A) Armpits are "very private"? B) I really could have gone my whole life without pubic hair being brought up in the Lurleneverse.

The chemo doesn't do the trick at first, so doctors try out some super high-dose fantastical chemo on Melinda. It clears that cancer right up, woo hooooo!! What the doctors don't tell her parents is that she can never have this high dose again since it is so effin' potent. But, I mean, c'mon, you guys, she won't get sick again, will she? Oh, crap, this isn't the real world, this is the LURLENEVERSE. Melinda, there is an awful lot of book left; I am quite concerned about your fate.

For Melinda's birthday, she asks for Jesse to fly out and see her. So he does, and she spends his whole trip feelin' all butterfly-y for him. She hates that she's all post-chemo and ugly, but at the end of the trip he still kisses her. Aw, Jesse! You're a good kid. Too bad you're stuck in this craptastic book.

Melinda goes back to school, and works at getting back to the same level of proficiency in ballet she'd achieved before her cancer. Jesse visits again, and this time Melinda's looking cute, and Bailey helps the two kids get some time alone together. Whatever, they're cute, but I keep checking how many pages are ahead of us, and I feel this is doooooomed.

I'm right! The cancer is back! (Yeah, of course we find out via lab reports again. Also, seriously, kids are expected to read friggin' lab reports? Weeeeeird.) And it's way worse than ever, especially with that high-dose chemo off-limits this time. The only possibility is a bone marrow transplant. Luckily, Melinda's mom is a good match! Everyone rallies around Melinda, and Jesse flies out again to see her.

Melinda gets sick right away with viral meningitis! Suuuuuck! After reading accounts by both Melinda's mom and Jesse about how very sick Melinda is, we get the AUDIO TRANSCRIPTION BY DR. LEIGH NEELY, ONCOLOGIST, FOR INSERTION INTO MEDICAL FILE OF MELINDA SKYE who, ya know, gives all the death details. Sorry, Melinda, but I kind of figured. Also, seriously, please explain this book to me! Is it a morbid scrapbook? How were all these things gathered? AGH.

There were a few random occasions where they'd just have a page or two of normal narrative/dialogue, but they were few and far between. Also, midway through the book, Jesse is referred to for several pages as "Jessie". Luckily I figured it out and didn't think a new character had been introduced.

The book ends with letters Melinda wrote to her parents and to Jesse that she had Bailey leave for them in the case of her death. Hmmm, Melinda must have known about her place in the Lurleneverse! Then Jesse emails Bailey to get help putting a letter in Melinda's hand at the wake, and Bailey promises to help him.

You guys want the letter? Sure, I can do that!:

It may be a lifetime before I see you again on the far side of time. Wait for me. Look for me. Please don't forget me, Melinda Skye, because one day I will come to you. I will come.

Jesse Rose

WHAAAAAT! That is the weirdest letter to give your dead girlfriend EVER. CONSTANT VIGILANCE, MELINDA-IN-HEAVEN, CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Tonight on the Lurlene Channel

If you think starting a video with neon blue is enough to set the world afire, you'd sadly be wrong.



Sorry, guys, this is the most boring Lurlene video I've seen thus far. I mean, I don't know how many of you guys write, but basically if you jot down two paragraphs and show them to anyone who doesn't write, they will either ask who you based it on or when it happened to you. UM YOU GUYS I HAVE NEVER HAD CANCER OR BEEN IN A COMA YOU KNOW THIS!

So, like, I totally need to know what teenagers Lurlene's stalking that she thinks her books are realistic. Do you guys know ANY kids who talk the way Lurlene's characters do? Also, like, how creepy is the thought? You're just this normal high-schooler, and then over your shoulder you spot this middle-aged woman jotting down everything you and your friends say, except she's clearly, like, half-assing it and just kind of paraphrasing and summarizing. If you are that teenager, I am so sorry!

Basically I spent the whole video just wondering if Lurlene was gonna throw that apple at me.