somewhere between y.a. lit and death

I know, I know

2009-04-14T20:24:00.000-07:00

I still owe you guys a new post, but I've been house-sitting and separated from my Lurlene books! I know you are probably shocked and appalled I don't just carry them around with you. Well, listen, I THOUGHT about doing you a solid and getting one of these lovely tomes from the library, but, look, the way I recap is by dog-earing pages and coming back to them, and that wouldn't be fair to the people who care about the pristine quality of Lurlene's books.

Ahem.

Anyways. I HAVE been reading a crap-ton the past week because I've also been waylaid by a sinus nastiness that has been a bit too disgusting to tell you about. My point is that my Goodreads has been updated a lot, so you should check it out.

Geez, I'm sorry!

2009-03-23T18:49:00.001-07:00

Man, I totally disappeared again. I'm sorry! I KNOW. Trust me, I had worthwhile reasons, but I promise if I have upcoming downtime it will be dedicated to Our Lady Lurlene. I have books on my shelf! (Well, technically, not on my shelf, but in a box in my closet, ready to go!)

They Call Him Mellow Yellow, or One Last Wish: Let Him Live

2009-01-23T23:45:00.000-08:00

Continuing in this One Last Wish vein, let us take a fond look at One Last Wish: Let Him Live (1993). I can't promise it will be any more exciting than our last journeys through the wondrous land where dying or totally didn't die after all kids get a shit-ton of money, but - regardless - onward ho!

If you want to know what this book is about, too bad. Amazon or the publishers couldn't invest that kind of effort:

A candy striper helps a 17-year-old boy deal with his uncertain future as he awaits a liver transplant. Together, they use his "One Last Wish" money to build a center for terminally ill kids.

Wow, way to be vague AND spoil the ending at once. I had no idea that was even possible!

(Also that's not even frigging accurate!)

The copy I used to own (OK how horrifying is that? At the beginning of 1993 I was FIFTEEN PEOPLE FIFTEEN WHAT THE HELLY HELL) looked like this:

Sorry it's so small, that's literally the only picture of it I could find. I could hardly even find any images of the new cover, so aparently this is like the least popular One Last Wish book ever. I don't like the sound of that!

Anyways, it looks like this now:

Uhhh why does he look all rednecky now?

So the book starts out with our fair heroine Meg and her red convertible. I know Meg is probably going to have some snotty attitude problems (or her parents will) due to this selection of car. Only arrogant rich assholes drive red convertibles, after all, in the Lurleneverse. Luckily this is not true in the real world or I would miss my little car so frigging badly.

(I love thinking about the character assassination Lurlene would do of me based on my car, my location, and my dress size. Then again I have this running joke that because I once almost hit Aaron Sorkin with my car (his fault, jaywalker!) that if I'd succeeded there would have been a whole plotline in Studio 60 where, who knows, some Diablo-Cody-looking girl named, I dunno, JAMES would have run over Matthew Perry and been a royal dumbass bitch about the entire thing. Also he would have worked in some way I am morally flawed, like, dude, Aaron, I KNOW. GOD I HATED THAT SHOW.)

So Meg is all ready to volunteer as a candy striper at the hospital where her dad is some great doctor. I'm glad I never had to volunteer at the lumber company where my dad was some great salesdude. Anyways, it's not Meg's idea, but her therapist, who thinks it'll help Meg with her grief over her BFF Cindy's death in a car accident. If one of my BFFs died in a car accident I don't think I'd want to hang out in a hospital to get over it but that's just me!

So Meg's dad is giving the welcome speech to the new candy stripers, which is not exactly how I think top docs spend their time (more like breaking their penises in supply closets or whatever) and he says that volunteers like them and "[their] faithful Pink Ladies" are vital to the welfare of their patients. OMG now I totally want to go to this hospital!

A tall, slim girl named Alana Humphries introduces herself to Meg. I like that Lurlene doesn't shoehorn it in immediately that Alana's black, or make her talk like she's mentally disabled. Meg and Alana chat about both being assigned to pediatrics while eating powdered sugar donuts. NOOOOOOOOOO! Anyway, Alana, whose name I keep typing as "Alma" so WTF is up with that?, thinks Meg's dad is the most wonderful man in the world because he put Alana's brother Lonnie in the hospital's transplant program to get a donor kidney.

Alana is surprised Meg's not all doctory herself:

"You're kidding? I thought medicine would be in your blood."

"I prefer doughnuts [this is how it's spelled, I myself prefer the spelling "donuts" but considering that I just spelled "myself" as "mighself" I'm not sure I should make any judgment calls!] in my blood."

Alana giggled. "Honestly, girl, you're such a comedian."

Honestly, girl, you need to get out more.

So they're checking out the pediatric floor when a boy shouts "Get out of the way. You're in the middle of the drag strip!" because apparently we're in the 1950s?

And just because I found this picture while searching:

Anyways the boy who shouts this is of course a hottie because this is the Lurleneverse. He's playing with some little kid named Mark, which is the most popular name in my entire family. Fifty percent of my immediate family is named this, and I am not kidding or exaggerating!

Speaking of names, the hottie is named Donovan Jacoby because apparently his parents watched too many soap operas or something. Meg notices that besides possessing The Hot he's all yellow-tinged and stooped. She's all, maybe you should get back to bed, when he says something incredibly disturbing:

"That's where I'm supposed to be, but it's pretty boring in my room. I was walking the hall looking for action when I saw Mark."

WHAT!

Despite this creepy utterance, Meg goes to Donovan's room to hang out with him. She learns Donavan's mom and six-year-old brother Brett moved here to Washington, DC so he could be at a good hospital. Meg reveals her dad is never home but then laughs and is all HA HA JUST KIDDING I MEAN HE'S AWESOME.

Meg checks in at the nurses' station, where an older nurse tells Meg this about Donovan:

"He's one nice kid. Has a friendly word for everybody and a special affinity for the smaller kids."

GROSSSSSSSSSSS!

At the end of the day Meg talks to her dad, who says Donovan's sick and "has less than six months to live". HEY LURLENE SINCE THIS BOOK ACTUALLY SAYS IT WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL THIS ONE THAT HUH?

OK so I was just about to make a joke about, "What did Meg just think Donovan was just a big fan of Coldplay and that explains his color?" BUT THEN IT HIT ME that the guy who sang that "Mellow Yellow" song in the '60s was named DONOVAN OMG this is amazing! I really hope Lurlene subconsciously named a jaundice sufferer after this song:

Anyways, obviously Donovan is all mellow yellow, not because he's just mad about saffron, but because he needs a liver transplant! Oh noes!

The next day Meg meets Donovan's mom and brother Brett. Brett's all "yeah he said you were pretty" because little kids will repeat anything. This is exactly why I don't tell little kids the people I'd like to jump. Later in the day Meg takes Donovan outside in a wheelchair where they talk about boring stuff, mostly that Donovan's all I RUINED EVERYTHING BY GETTING SICK and Meg thinks of how her dad says Donovan doesn't realize he's dying, which means Donovan's a frigging idiot because how else does he think he got on that transplant list? For funsies?

Meg offers to bring Donovan a pizza from the outside world, and he's fine with that because the doctors would be happy for him to gain weight. Meg's all WELL YOU CAN HAVE SOME OF MINE and he's all WAIT YOU LOOK FINE but apparently Meg has always struggled with her weight WAIT A MINUTE THERE IS AN OVERWEIGHT BUT CUTE AND BOY-WORTHY GIRL IN THE LURLENEVERSE WHAAAAAAAAAT!

Anyways so Meg comes to the hospital on her day off, and Donovan's all OMG I MUST GO OUTSIDE NOW and he's clutching some shaving kit like a freak. He even 'fesses up to freakish behaviour, to which Meg says:

"Not at all. How exciting can games and a video movie be to a guy who has a death grip on his shaving kit?"

YOU GUYS. A VIDEO MOVIE WHAT.

Sadly there is nothing that exciting in his shaving kit, just the OLW letter (you can read it in this entry if you so desire). Donovan is all secretive because he thinks if the hospital knows about the check he can't get care for charity anymore. Honestly, that is one of the first logical concerns a character in the Lurleneverse has ever had.

Meg does some more whining to herself about her dad's work schedule, and I'm just happy for once a protag bitches about her dad's career and not her mom's!

This is really boring, but it plays into the plot later, so I should tell you there's all this talk about poor Donovan's mom and Brett having to commute so far on the bus to see Donovan at the hospital, and whyyyy ohhh whyyyy isn't there a nearby place for families to stay??? OK, I fulfilled this obligation. Meg tells her dad, and he tells her to figure something out, so Meg pleads her case in front of her mom's Junior League.

Meg takes Donovan to visit his mom and Brett at their shitty apartment where it's only decorated with "meager possessions" and you can hear babies crying, and the meal is "simple but tasty", like, seriously, Lurlene, have you ever BEEN to an apartment? I have been to plenty of houses shittier than my apartment! Anyways, when she gets home and goes to sleep, she's woken up by her dad because there's an accident victim at the hospital who's a match for Donovan. The damn victim isn't dead yet though! They rush to the hospital! The kid DOES die, but the parents won't donate his organs. PEOPLE COME ON! I guess this is something I just don't understand. There are few good things that can come out of a kid dying, but organ donation is one. People, do it!

The only good news is apparently the Junior League does want to help build a house for patients' families to stay at. Hey, is this like the Ronald McDonald House? It's got to be better inherently since it's not sponsored by a clown, nor will its logo likely be a touching clown hand.

Anyways, the venture is gonna cost $2 million, so everyone's doing their best to come up with fundraising ideas. At the same time, Meg is also - at Donovan's request - trying to buy a house for his mom and Brett to be purchased with the OLW money, so they can live closer to the hospital. They find a lovely Victorian house, and Donovan puts down a down payment immediately.

The Junior League holds a moonlight cruise to raise money, and Donovan and Meg go together and end up kissing. The Lurleneverse is like the best place to find a hottie, though to be fair they're usually at death's door.

So Donovan gives the house to his mom, and of course she's thrilled. Too bad later the same day he's brought into the hospital unconcscious!! Ruh roh, Donovan! His kidneys are failing now, and we all know what multi-organ failure means, right? (Man I watch too many medical shows.) Goodbye, mellow yellow one.

FLASH FORWARD! What do you guys think happened? Of course Donovan's mom donated the house, and families can stay there now! WOO! Also now Meg wants to be a doctor. AWESOME.

This book wasn't exactly thrilling, but it was also not offensive in any way. Small victories, people, small victories.

Ames reads, Ames snores, or One Last Wish: Someone Dies, Someone Lives

2009-01-16T00:30:00.000-08:00

I hope you fine folks are in the mood for some boring, because boring is what I bring you! Like OLW: Mourning Song, OLW: Someone Dies, Someone Lives (1992) could function both as a doorstop AND a sleep aid. Oh, and a book too.

Let's get on with it!

You ask: WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

I say: LET ME SHOW YOU IT!

I love how Katie's all "WHAT?" Also that is a daring neckline for someone post-HEART TRANSPLANT.

Oh but look at me, getting ahead of myself.

The book USED to look like this. My copy still does.

I find the shape of Josh's body very strange. Look how it goes straight down and all out to the side, with no waist at all. WTF. His shirt is also bizarrely large, and his shorts seem to be hovering in front of him. Honestly the whole thing looks like he's standing behind a cardboard cutout of clothes, and not wearing clothes at all. WTF. I remembered this really bothered me as a kid. Clearly it still bothers me now!

Would you like to know what it's about? I can help you there too!

You don't know me, but I know about you. . . . I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.
Katie O'Roark feels miserable, even though she knows she's incredibly lucky to have received an anonymous gift. Still, the money can't but her a new heart or bring her back to her track-star days. When a donor is found with a compatible heart, Katie undergoes transplant surgery. While recuperating, she meets Josh Martel and senses an immediate connection. When Katie decides to start training to attain her dream of running again, Josh helps her meet the difficult challenge.
Will Katie find the strength physically and emotionally to live to become a winner again?

I DON'T KNOW. WILL SHE?

Hey, you guys. Are we alone? Do you promise not to tell anyone? I have a secret. Like FOR MANY YEARS there's this dude character who has shown up in many of the projects I've worked on. I know other writers who do this too. Anyways, I think he's finally found a place, so, whatever, dude, if I ever finish that book you will be freed! My point is, though, that this dude's name has always been JOSH MARTEL and I had no idea where I got that, but I don't know where I get MOST of my names (except for the ones I name after specific people) so I never thought much of it... until I picked up this book. Yes, my friends, I stole a name from LURLENE McDANIEL and just KEPT GOING. I guess when I read this at fourteen I was blown away by him or something.

This is almost as bad as the time I realized I'd ripped off dialogue from Chicago Hope.

So the book opens with the One Last Wish letter (you can look it up here if you want to read it) to Katie, a former track star, sick at home because she has cardiomyopathy and needs a heart transplant. I learned about that initially not from Chicago Hope mind you but from Ann M. Martin's With You and Without You which is a book I thought was really stellar as a kid but I wasn't so crazy about during my adult reread. Hmmm, what does THAT remind me of? At least there wasn't a metric shit-ton of judgeypants in Martin's book.

Anyways, Katie is dying, basically. This makes everyone sad! Her friend Melody might need to cool it on the histrionics though:

"I just can't believe this is happening to you," Melody wailed. "How will the track team manage without you next spring?"

Way to keep your eye on priorities, Melody! If Katie died that would probably throw off your whole effing season, huh?

So abruptly we meet the aforementioned Josh Martel and his Gramps who I will picture as Wilf from Series 4 of Doctor Who because there is no finer Gramps in the land!

They're going to see Josh's brother Aaron play in a U of Michigan football game. Apparently their mascot is the Wolverine:

We learn through a bunch of heavy-handed exposition that Josh and Aaron's parents are terrible, so when Aaron got into college in Ann Arbor, Josh came with him and moved in with nearby Gramps. Uh, if your parents are that bad, shouldn't you have done this a little sooner?

So the football game is all footbally, and then Aaron just totes FALLS OVER AND COLLAPSES. PEOPLE FREAK! CHAOS! Well, not really. He just gets taken to the hospital. Josh and Gramps go too.

Like previous doctors in the Lurleneverse, Aaron's displays a real rapport with people:

"What's wrong? How's Aaron?"

Dr. Wright put his hand on Josh's shoulder. "Your brother's dead, son."

So you guys TOTALLY know what's gonna happen, right?

CUT TO: Katie's special transplant beeper goes off. Heart time! HEY YOU GUYS I WONDER WHERE THAT HEART IS FROM DON'T YOU.

So Katie gets the transplant and survives! Hurrah! She's immediately all WHEN DO I GET TO RUN AGAIN? which, um, would not exactly be my number one concern, lady. I mean, I guess it's hard to empathize when your major passion in life would lead you to be more like HEY WHEN CAN I SIT ON MY ASS AND MARATHON A LOT OF TELEVISION AGAIN and then they'd say LIKE NOW and you'd be all OMG GOOD BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT TO CATCH UP ON.

Josh is having some issues dealing with his brother's death, which is totally normal and all! Gramps isn't gonna stand for moping around, though. He tells Josh he'd better get to living!

So Katie's dad is a sports columnist, but he also uses his column to talk about Katie all the time. Man, I hate that crap. A personal blog is one thing but I totally had to unsubscribe from some media newsletter because this dude only talked about his daughter and his fiancee and ugghhhh I don't care, dude. Anyway, he's all waxing rhapsodic about this nameless donor who gave a heart to beloved little Katie, and Josh reads the column and is all OMGGGGGG THAT IS MY BROTHER'S HEART! To be fair I would totes react the same way.

So Katie is well enough to call her BFF Melody:

The moment she said hello, Melody burst into tears. "I can't believe it's you."

Man, Melody is UNHINGED. Someone get that girl some help.

So Josh goes to the hospital to try to see Katie, but she isn't allowed visitors yet. CREEPY STALKING!

Katie meets with her physical therapist Barry. She hits him up for permission to run, and he says he won't talk her out of it. He tells her about the Transplant Olympics, which makes her think he's making some sort of Special Olympics joke, but - just like the Special Olympics - the Transplant Olympics are real! This year (the book's year, not our real life year) they are held in L.A. on the UCLA campus. Oh good, the Westside again!

Katie's mom is all OH HELL NO YOU ARE NOT RUNNING OR COMPETING OR ANYTHING ALSO THAT IS EXPENSIVE. Katie brings up her OLW money but apparently the money was just an excuse for Katie not to get to run. I think if I had a kid who'd just had a heart transplant I would also likely vote for NO RUNNING OR FUN too. During this fight Katie gets a headache, which in most lands would just mean, uh, yelling and getting yelled at makes your head hurt. However, this is the Lurleneverse which means REJECTION!!!!

So Josh is still all Mopey McGee. While I love Gramps (or at least the version of him I've invented) I don't know why he's all CHEER THE EFF UP SON because I don't even LIKE my brother very much and I would be depressed for years if he died! Anyways, Josh thinks he's got a solution to become happy again!:

He could touch Katie O'Roark before she died. Not in a secondhand way, as he'd been doing so far [WHAT DOES THAT MEAN], but in the flesh, with his own hands.

I know it's tough because there are so many options, but this might just be the creepiest thing expressed thus far in the Lurleneverse. What do you guys think?

OK so creepy as all hell Josh goes to the hospital and tells a nurse he's doing a report on the ICU and has to go in. SO SHE'S JUST LIKE OK THAT'S FINE. This nurse is so shitty with rules and regulations she must have just left Seattle Grace or something. When Idiot Nurse sees Josh all starey-eyed at Katie, she's all I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE UP TO THAT'S YOUR GIRLFRIEND HUH and he's all OH YEAH. Cahhhreeeeeeepy.

Katie's all drugged up and rejectiony but she sees Josh. However she thinks he's a dream or a vision or some kind of acid trip instead of the stalkery effed up freako he actually is. However, she does get better.

At least, she could have visitors--Melody had been the first. She'd come the night before and cried the whole time she visited.

"I can't believe you're actually all right," Melody had said between sobs. "I never thought I was going to see you again. First you were sick, then dying, then the operation... and now... now you're alive and beautiful. Oh, Katie, it's a miracle!"

Oh, Melody, it's a miracle you haven't offed yourself yet! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

So Katie's milling about the hospital and sees Josh, ~~the man of her dreams~~ the stalkery boy! They just happen to go to the same school, OF COURSE. Also Katie thinks she's hot! Also Josh is totally YOU'VE GOT MY DEAD BROTHER'S HEART so Katie lets him listen to it and he actually says "Hey, bro."

Katie continues to improve and is finally sent home! On the way out, her physical therapist Barry "offers up the Vulcan peace sign, '"Live long and prosper."'" I know that punctuation is effing nuts but that's Lurlene's fault and not mine.

So Katie tells Melody she's going to run again. Melody reacts predictably:

Melody drew back, her eyes wide. "Are you serious? How can you?"

Katie overhears her parents fighting because her mom is overprotective and her dad, well, isn't. I wish there was a mom in the Lurleneverse who wasn't a wench in one way or another! Also, I'm sorry, KATIE JUST HAD A FUCKING HEART TRANSPLANT. I understand quality of life but I hardly think worrying someone shouldn't run track and field actually qualifies someone for wenchiness.

Katie decides because of this, she will train in secret for the Transplant Olympics. If I had a health issue that might kill me, I doubt I would partake in activity that would be extremely risky IN SECRECY. Katie claims she is following the diet and exercise program laid out for her by ~~Spock~~ Barry, so, who knows. I am totally on your side, Katie's mom!

So Katie has her next checkup and everything's perfect! Of course it is. Katie brings up the Transplant Olympics and the doctor gets all P.R.ish about them in front of Katie's mom, who is furious. The fight continues at home, where Katie reveals she will use some of the OLW money for everyone to go. Katie's mom is like, hey, what about all your medical bills, do you know it will cost your dad and I $10k a year to keep you alive? which is, like, the meanest fucking thing a parent can say to their kid WHO ALMOST DIED. She apologizes, but HOLY FUCK. I totally want to call my mom and hug her right now. Katie's mom, we are no longer on good terms.

So Katie's mom realizes the error of her ways and says, yes, Katie can use the money for the Transplant Games. She wants it to be her, her parents, Josh, and Gramps. (Later on she mentions Melody too but apparently Melody couldn't go. I assume it's because she's busy stocking up on Kleenex and albums by Morrissey.) Within this exchange Katie makes a joke about "Siamese twins" like UM the correct term has been conjoined for awhile, Lurlene!

So Katie, her parents, and Josh all go to L.A. While there Katie and Josh hang out a lot OH YOUNG LOVE and Josh mentions Katie's determination to make all of this happen.

"Daddy says it's nothing but Irish bullheadedness and that it's a very unfeminine trait." She tipped her chin upward and grinned. "Maybe he's right."

WTF! Her dad who is proud of having a jock for a daughter is suddenly a sexist jackhole? GREAT. Katie is the only semi-sane and -tolerable one in the whole family.

So there's a FIESTA! which everyone totally treats like some prom, and by everyone I mean Josh and Katie, and the parents, who are all slow-dancey and lovey-dovey. Katie and Josh sneak off so they can talk about Josh's wrecked homelife and youth, because that's what all kids do when they have time to themselves after a dance!

"Both my parents are alcoholics." He took a long, shuddering breath. "Pop beat up on Mom all the time."

Horrified, Katie asked, "You and Aaron too?"

"No--just her. Over the years I lost all respect for her because she wouldn't leave him, not even now, when she can."

Uh, Josh, way to take too lightly what abusive relationships are actually like, how they involve emotional/mental abuse and not just physical, how women may not have the resources to strike out on their own, and if their children are not being abused how they may believe their abusive partner's income makes the kids' lives better than if they took off without enough money. I definitely think the blaming of A BEATEN WOMAN is the grossest thing I've seen in any of these books, except for perhaps all that crotch-tightening talk. No. It's worse. Geez, Lurlene. WHY DO YOU HATE WOMEN?

Of course there's a race, and of course even though there are seasoned adult athletes, Katie wins and catches the eye of some college track dude (you know, as a potential student, not like in a pervy way). Hurrah! When Katie gets home, to thank Josh for giving her a heart-shaped locket (uh, weird) she makes him a scrapbook all about Aaron, which is actually quite a thoughtful gift. When Katie asks if he likes it:

To answer her, he put the book aside, took her in his arms, and kissed her with all the feeling he had stored up and locked away in his heart throughout his lifetime.

WHAAAAT! Please, dudes, don't ever try to kiss me with all of your repressed memories!

So I totally thought the book was basically OVER but this is the Lurleneverse, so Katie gets the flu which is SUPER BAD (not SUPERBAD) because of all the immune suppressants she's on because of the transplant. She is TOTALLY DYING! But then Josh goes outside and sees a plant fighting for life, and just knows that since that plant can make it, so can Katie. He goes inside and tells Katie's parents this. THEN THE BOOK ENDS.

WHAT THE HELL FREAKY WEIRD DUMBASS BORING CLIFFHANGER BOOK.

I think Josh pops up in one of those later OLW books so PERHAPS WE WILL FIND OUT. Geez, guys, I apologize for the utter lameness of this book. I only hope my next escapade will bring us more excitement and adventure.

People Got a Lotta Nerve

2009-01-14T14:57:00.000-08:00

Off-topic, perhaps, but from http://www.antilabelblog.com:

Today, we are especially happy to bring you “People Got A Lotta Nerve,” the first single from Neko Case’s forthcoming album Middle Cyclone (out March 3), because for every blog that reposts the song and/or iLike user who adds it to their profile, Neko Case and ANTI- will make a cash donation to Best Friends Animal Society.

The promotion will run from January 13 to February 3, 2009. Five dollars will be donated for every blog post and one dollar for every user of iLike that adds the song to his/her profile.

People Got A Lotta Nerve - Neko Case

I'll be back with a new blog post in the next day or so, everyone!

This Brain Tumor Doubles as Birth Control, or Letting Go of Lisa

2009-01-09T00:51:00.000-08:00

Gentle readers, I have returned and I am millions! Thanks for all of the emails and comments and blog posts regarding my absence. It's good to be back, in the Lurleneverse, where I belong.

(I mean, except I don't at all.)

You also might notice the beautiful logo now gracing this blog! Normally my friends earn YA-inspired nicknames when featured on this blog but I will pimp out my multi-talented and adorable friend Val who you should totes hire for all your graphic design needs.

I am kickstarting my triumphant return with a book my darling friend Kristy sent me from her fancy book job, Letting Go of Lisa (2006). I was super intrigued by it because the cover didn't look like our normal angelic flowery look-toward-the-heavens sort of thing, and, hey, I learned that lesson along with everyone else, but let's be honest here: I still totes judge books by their covers!

And what does that cover look like? Well, folks, I'm glad you asked:

Uhh is it just me or does that dude look a lot like John Simm?

Then I thought, ooh, maybe the book is about John Simm getting into a car accident and then waking up in the Lurleneverse! However I was wrong.

I also thought, given the title and the image, perhaps it was literally about LETTING GO OF LISA and therefore FALLING OFF A MOTORCYCLE and facing, I dunno, death, coma, need of organ transplant, discovery of hidden cancer like when that kid got it playing baseball.

Luckily such things as synopses exist so all y'alls can find out what it's actually about:

Nathan Malone has been homeschooled his whole life. He’s never spent much time with kids his own age and he’s never dated. His mother is now busy with his new twin sisters, so Nathan must enroll at the local high school for his senior year. On the first day, a girl on a motorcycle catches his eye and Nathan is excited to discover the girl is also in his English class.

Not only does Lisa ride a motorcycle to school, but she’s a loner who seems to come and go as she pleases. She doesn’t care what anybody thinks of her. Nathan is intrigued—he’s never met anyone like her or had such strong feelings. When he and Lisa finally start spending time together, he’s the happiest he’s ever been.

But Lisa has a tragic secret and, when she decides she’ll handle it herself, Nathan has to make a choice. Can he ever let go of Lisa?

I don't know. CAN HE?

So the book opens with our protag, Nathan Malone. He's starting his Senior year of high school, going back to a public school for the first time since his mom started homeschooling him in the sixth grade. Now before long we get all of this OMG BEFORE THE THING HAPPENED expositiony crap so I thought all of that was gonna be tied into why Nathan's mom started homeschooling him. But, no, this is never actually explained. Nathan's mom is just BETTER THAN YOU so that's why OH EXCEPT FOR WHEN SHE'S AN OVERPROTECTIVE BITCH. To be fair that's the kind of characterization I can almost believe. I'm just saying, Lurlene, bring up something and ALSO bring up a secret family tragedy and you'd better EFFING CONNECT THEM OK.

So anyways, Nathan at least knows one person at school, his friend and neighbor Skeet. SKEET! Do you guys think it's Skeet Ulrich?

This picture is Australian, which may or may not explain how strange it is.

So Nathan's all Stresso McStressington because there are ALL THESE PEOPLE and HALLWAYS and CLASSROOMS and OMFG but the truth is I can relate because when I was in seventh grade I went to this really shitty Catholic school where the entire grade was made up of four girls and nine guys, and then the next year I transferred to public school into an eighth grade of approximately 250 people. I FEEL YOUR PAIN NATHAN.

Nathan is also freaked because while he was snailing his car into the parking lot someone on a motorcycle cut him off and gave him the finger. Oh my heavens!

Our homeschooler is shocked at the identity of the finger-giver:

"A girl?" Most of the girls Nathan knew were homeschooled like him, younger, all giggly and silly, and they didn't ride cycles and flash rude hand gestures.

Apparently this girl is Lisa, who the whole world's obsessed with because she's a loner and drives this black and silver bike with a red heart painted on it, and has long brown hair and creamy skin, and let's be honest here, if I'd gone to school with Lisa I would have been obsessed with her too. She fits the description of all my girl crushes.

Also I gotta admit that bike sounds hella sweet. Also SHUT THE FRONT DOOR did Lurlene come up with a "cool" character who actually sounds vaguely... cool?

Good thing I'm sitting down already.

Nathan says that the bike almost "creamed" him, which makes me kind of uncomfortable.

Anyways, Skeet's all gaga:

"Not a guy in the school who wouldn't give up his car speakers to get a tumble [Is that what the kids are calling it these days??] from Lisa. She's a knockout - transferred in as a Junior last January. Keeps to herself, though. I call her 'a heartache on a Harley'." Skeet pressed his hand over his heart.

I pressed my hand over my mouth as not to spew.

Lisa's the only one who's ever stood up the school's star athlete and most popular jockass. Guess what his name is? Are you guys ready? THIS IS SO GOOD. "Rod 'Roddy' Stewart, no relation to the rocker." OH MY GOD. Now if I wrote this effing book (which, uh, why would I write this effing book?) I wouldn't let a seventeen-year-old refer to Rod Stewart as "the rocker" but "that old guy my mom still crushes on, gross" though, DISCLAIMER, my mom hates Rod Stewart and would be ashamed I said that even hypothetically. My bet is Nathan's mom is all over him though. I mean in her mind.

Sorry, Mom.

Also I always think it's weird when there's a dude in your book named ROD STEWART for no apparent reason. There are like countless names; you don't have to pick one that matches a celebrity's. I assume Lurlene finished up the manuscript and her editor or agent was like "uhhh Lurlene, do you realize you've named a character ROD STEWART" and instead of doing a FIND-->REPLACE she threw in that little disclaimer. Way to get attached to something dumb.

Also way to speculate, Ames!

Skeet proposes that instead of going home after school, they stay to "drool over the cheerleaders". Uh did any of you boys in high school actually talk like that? Be aware if you answer yes we are no longer friends!

So at home after school Nathan's dad is cool but his mom, who had to stop homeschooling Nathan because now there are twin baby girls, is a royal heinous beotch. She's overprotective and talks about Nathan in front of him like he's not even there! Oh my god it's like she's someone's MOM or something. Sorry, Nathan, she's not actually that bad. She's just YOUR MOM. Shut up.

As Nathan's leaving the room he gives a MEANINGFUL LOOK at the refrigerator where a ratty old decaying piece of paper holding a child's drawing hangs. "Molly's last drawing." Wow, do you guys think this is gonna be important???

So do you guys want to know how Nathan and Skeet formed their bond?

Another sore spot in Skeet's life: a cold mother whose job was more important than raising a kid, and a stepfather who was downright mean to Skeet. Skeet's parents used to lock him out on weekends, rain or shine, and Nathan's family would take him in like a stray puppy.

Oh SHUT UP they did NOT. If they actually did, Nathan's family did NOT do the right thing by taking him in. What they SHOULD have done was called family fucking services.

Nathan and Skeet got to be friends, and bonded over their shared lurve of country music. Nathan clarifies it's not the twangy kind, but the new kind, so basically THE KIND THAT TOTALLY SUCKS. Anyways, Nathan plays guitar and Skeet plays... keyboard. KEYBOARD? Do you need a keyboard in a new country band? Hey, you guys, let's form a new country band! We will call ourselves the Lurleneverse and we will rule all.

Nathan proposes he writes a song about Skeet getting stripped and shoved in front of a bunch of cheerleaders by the jocks (god I hate high school) called "I Caught Your Heart While Chasing After Pigskin Blues" and Skeet pronounces that "demented". DEMENTED. The fuck? I do not think that word means what you you think it means.

(Right after that there's also a passage I debated writing about so I guess the pro side won out, but basically Nathan's twin baby sisters are loud, and he says they're "both screamers" and I felt really uncomfortable because I just don't know anyone who uses that term outside of a sexual context but that could just be my perverted nature (as well as the perverted nature of the people I know because let's be real, I do not exist in a vacuum!) but, please, people, don't refer to your baby siblings or your babies or anyone's babies as screamers to me. OK!)

So Nathan thinks he is a super writer! Luckily he has THE BEST WRITING TEACHER EVERRRRRRRR Mr. Fuller. Every week Mr. Fuller reads submissions, identified ONLY BY NUMBER, but only the best of the best. Nathan knows he'll be the first submission read. He's number 705 if you're a betting type of person. To that, Skeet replies, "I can't wait to see the movie" which I had to read like ten times because it doesn't make any effing sense. Does Skeet understand that not all writing is a screenplay? Now I'm POSITIVE it's Skeet Ulrich!

The other excellent thing about Mr. Fuller's class is that Nathan gets to sit behind the lovely Lisa. Skeet's all YOU ARE TOTALLY FALLING FOR HER and Nathan's all NUH UH I AM NOT I JUST TALK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME WITH YOU FOR NO REASON AT ALL.

Skeet pointed his finger at Nathan in an imitation of firing a gun. "Pow. Dead meat at Lisa's feet."

Nathan tries to get to work on his writing submission that'll make Fuller orgasm, but he can't concentrate because he keeps thinking about Lisa and how he wants to bury his face in her hair. What is with all these hair fetishists in the Lurleneverse?

Nathan and Skeet are basically effing STALKING Lisa. To be fair, isn't that what you DOOOOO with your high school crushes? I used to have a crush on this dude who worked at a grocery store, so I walked there every day and got a candy bar. Then my friend told me he was gonna think I was fat if I kept doing that. So even though my parents owned a restaurant down the street where I could get all the free soda I wanted, I bought a Diet Coke every day. (I chose Diet Coke for two reasons, neither of which being that I drank it (though today it is my number one love in life, sorry, friends, family, and pets): 1) He would never think I was fat if I bought Diet Coke, and 2) Paula Abdul endorsed it.) Also I didn't have the nerve to, like, get his number or something, so my friends and I schemed and the best plan we came up with was for one of them to ask him what his sign was and then tell him that question was from me. It sort of backfired when he didn't know what his own sign was. ALSO BECAUSE THAT IS THE DUMBEST PLAN EVER.

ANYWAYS. Even though often this older dude drops her off on her own motorcycle, they don't think he's her boyfriend because:

"No kisses goodbye. No tonsil exploration. Is that SOP around here?"

"The tongue tangles?" Skeet shrugged.

If anyone ever tries to french you and dubs it "the tongue tangles" get the FUCK OUT OF THERE because this is not someone who knows WTF they are talking about. Also I don't picture kissing, I picture actual... tangling. Gross!

So Nathan and Lisa fiiiiiinally speak, and they sort of flirt but then Lisa retreats. Lisa's got game, I will give her that. You guys, I'm sorry, but even though Nathan and Skeet are goons, Lisa's kind of cool. Also she has blue-violet eyes, a color Nathan has never seen before. Are anyone's eyes actually that color? Does she also sparkle in the sunlight?

Oh, also, this will be important later: Lisa skips class a lot. Ooh Lisa, you rebel!

When Nathan gets home that night from school, his mom is planting a new plant. THIS IS IMPORTANT. IT HAPPENS EVERY SEPTEMBER. Wake me up when September ends! Nathan's thinking crap like GEEZ MOM IT'S BEEN FOURTEEN YEARS SHUTTTT UPPPPPP but at least offers to dig a hole. His mom LIKES digging the hole because it's therapeutic.

Over the weekend Skeet has to come over because there's a bright red handprint on his face from his stepdad hitting him because Skeet smarted off to him. WHY ISN'T SOMEONE CALLING THE AUTHORITIES? Skeet, dude, I'm sorry. If you'd been my next door neighbor I would have been all over that. Then again I call the cops really easily. If you don't want a cop at your door, don't disturb my slumber, world!

In Fuller's class, submissions are read... none of them Nathan's! HA. Is it OK that I liked this? I liked this. At least he's not some kinda Mary Sue. Also he realizes that Lisa's hair smells like... Creamsicles. OMG! Now I'm obsessed with Lisa's hair too. It seems AMAZING. Goddamn I wish MY hair smelled like a delicious frozen treat. It just smells like tea tree oil because I just found out about this amazing shampoo and conditioner from Trader Joe's. CHECK IT OUT PEOPLE YOU WILL THANK ME.

Anyways the poem that's read is supposed to be like uneffingbelievably good, and, whatever. I am not a poetry person. I know that probably makes me some sort of uneducated dipshit, and I feel really bad about that, but I'm just not. So, whatever. I cannot judge. It's some sort of Icarus metaphor/retelling sorta thing. Nathan's all BOO HOO I AM NOT THAT GOOD.

I WONDER WHO IS! Oh magical student number 454.

So we get a random few pages from Lisa's POV. This paragraph is so badly - and redundantly - written I can't help but share it with all of you:

Lisa Lindstrom was unable to pinpoint the exact moment Nathan Malone came on her radar; she just knew that she slowly became aware of him, like a buzz one starts to hear in a quiet room. [OK at first this seems like a good metaphor.] One minute all is silent, [riiiight, like you JUST SAID... QUIET ROOM] then a sound begins to break through a person's subconscious [uhhh yes, also like you just said a BUZZ ONE STARTS TO HEAR] and annoys until the person has to stop what she's doing and go find the source. She tried to ignore him, this noise, but one day he broke through - she looked up and saw the most incredible blue eyes, [The same blue as your eyes? OMG if you get that reference I will internet tonsil tangle you] fringed with thick dark lashes, staring at her. Nathan's eyes.

Lisa, your inner monologue sounds like me when I've had two Manhattans and a Metropolitan, but before they come back up.

Lisa wishes she could hate Nathan. If only he was like the jockasses! "Or avant garde and far out like the goths"!! I am actually hanging out with my goth friend this weekend; I will be sure to notice all of her avant garde and far out behaviour, and be grateful this allows me to fairly hate on her.

Nathan and Skeet go to the Homecoming game, then an afterparty (OK I guess in high school which is not Hollywood it's just called A PARTY) where Skeet asks Nathan if he smells pot, and says if he wants some he'll have to pay. WTF! Have you ever been passed a joint and a collection basket at once? What cheapasses! I was a total straight edge in high school (I mean, not officially, I just feared things like alcohol and drugs and many types of fun) but I could have gotten so much free pot if I'd wanted.

I will say though that people are drinking beer and there's clearly (albeit pay-to-play) weed being smoked, and this isn't shown as like A BAD AND EVIL party. It's just a party. Also Nathan feels all out of place and thinks of himself as a "social retard" which is totally NOT COOL TO SAY but abso realistic. You guys shocked this is in the Lurleneverse? I myself certainly am. I would take a hit to calm myself down but I don't have anything to put in the basket.

Lisa shows up at the party, right as the jockasses pick a fight with Skeet and start calling him "faggot" which is totally upsetting but, again, spot-on. WTF! LURLENE DID YOU TALK TO SOME REAL KIDS OR SOMETHING? Lisa basically rescues them, and Nathan makes Skeet drive his car home while he jumps on the back of Lisa's motorcycle. I really love it that the girl swoops in, saves the day, and then carries our protag out on the back of her totally sweet ride. I'm not even being sarcastic!! Way to - well, you know, not embrace feminism but at least some girl power? This book is not making me so hatey.

So they drive around, get some gas, and then go to Borders or B&N and drink mochas. Uhhh again, totally normal for real teenagers to do.

Nathan finds out the dude who drops off Lisa every day is her mom's boyfriend Charlie. Lisa calls him "the man who lives with Mom and [her]" though. Boyfriend is totally an acceptable term, Lisa. As is partner. I like Charlie though because he's the one who bought the bike for Lisa. Also, believe it or not, this lack of marriage isn't seen as a bad thing. In fact, Nathan feels boring and conventional for having married parents. IS THIS OPPOSITES DAY?

He asks her out, but she says she doesn't date. Still, he is super excited!!! When he gets home "he threw himself across his bed" which is sort of adorable but also the sort of thing I picture a thirteen-year-old doing before kissing a picture of Zac Ephron or something.

The next day Nathan gets in trouble because his clothes and car smell like beer, just because it got spilled on him. He feels free saying he didn't drink, even though that was only because the fight started before he could. Again, OK, sure. This book is making my head ache by not being crazy.

Oh, good, we're back there. Nathan's dad is all WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE THIS HOPE SCHOLARSHIP which means he'd have to go to a state school. Nathan says this means he has to live at home. This book takes place in Atlanta, Georgia, a state where I'm pretty sure they have more than one state school.

Soon Nathan and Skeet (I can't believe I've now typed "Skeet" so much it looks like a normal name to me) discuss Lisa, not that it's anything new. Nathan says he can tell she has secrets, and he wants to learn them. Skeet is wowed:

"Gee, most guys just want to get in her pants."

Nathan scowled. "That's crude."

"And that thought's never crossed your mind?"

"Knock it off, Skeet. Don't talk about her like she's some kind of sex prize."

Sex prize is a confusing term. Is it like someone whom having sex with would be like a prize? Or is it someone you're awarded for having good sex? TELL ME!

So Nathan gets his paper back in Fuller's class, and it's all marked up and says "pedantic, plodding and a rehash of old ideas" which is ironic given what a pedantic, plodding, and rehashing of the stereotypical tough professor critique that is.

For some reason, Fuller's criticism stung him like the tentacles of a jellyfish.

If that's true, Nathan, I hope you're planning to give all your organs away to strangers you've stalked/slept with!

At home him and Skeet practice their band, if you can call two guys without a singer and a drummer a band, and Lisa pulls her bike into the driveway, then backs up and roars off. Oh, Lisa. By now you don't seem cool, just wimpy. JUST TALK TO THE BOY OK.

Nathan and Skeet start auditioning drummers for their band which is a surprisingly good idea for these dorks. Lisa shows up with a girl she says is a great singer, Jodie:

She was a short girl with a round face, short dark hair and brown eyes. She was heavy, but pretty in her way.

OH MY GOD WHY DO YOU HATE OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE LURLENE? This is NOT Sweet Valley, California, is it?

Anyways, Jodie sounds just like Patsy Cline (lucky girl) and loves the other classics too: Loretta (aw yeah) and Reba (the HELL?). Do some research if you're writing about a music genre, writers! So now she's the singer, and "a kid named Larry" (LARRY?) who hates country music and wants to play rock will be their drummer. Well, this sounds like a fine plan.

Nathan takes Lisa around his backyard, and she loves all the plants and the koi pond (one of my worst nightmares!!!!), and notes that it looks like something used to be there. Nathan confirms this: there was a swimming pool where his sister Molly drowned. Ruh roh! FAMILY SECRET! He was three, Molly was six, she was supposed to be taking a nap but instead she went outside to swim and totes drowned. Aw, Molly, I'm sorry! Anyways, Nathan's all WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT, like, uh, Nathan, you're the one who brought it up.

Time goes by, the band becomes awesome, but Lisa continues to only hang out with Nathan at weekly rehearsals, never at school. He confronts her about this, and:

"Your 'I don't give a damn' routine doesn't hold up with me."

"I'll work on it." She looked shaken, tried to brush past him.

He caught her arm. "Not so fast." And before he could stop himself, he'd pulled her against her chest and kissed her full and hard on the mouth. She fought him at first, but he didn't let go, and as the kiss lengthened, it deepened. His blood sang in his head, tore through his veins like wildfire.

Hey, gentlemen: a little love advice from Ames. If a lady is pulling away from you and you have to force your lips on her, that's not romantic. That's a lot like assault. That can totally BE assault. THIS IS NOT COOL AND NOT SWEET AND IF A GIRL ISN'T READY TO KISS YOU LET HER GET READY.

Ugh I hate that in books like this girls always give into the kiss or they try to punch the kisser in the kisser and break their hand and their jackhole dad laughs at them. Way to send a lesson to the ladies! Think of how much nicer kissing is when it's consensual!

So Fuller finally reads one of Nathan's poems in class. I'm not sure why; maybe he lost a bet:

I stand and watch you from afar
I wish upon you, like a star
You see me not.
You come.
You go.
Still, I love you better than you know.

I guess stalkers need lousy poetry too!

So Skeet is dating the overweight Jodie, so him and Nathan go over to the apartment complex where both Jodie and Lisa live to hang out with the ladies. It's clearly kind of skuzzy, since that's what apartments are like in the Lurleneverse. I'm sorry, but most apartment complexes I've gone to are totes nice. Mine is adorable!

Cars were parked everywhere, and Nathan ended up blocking in a car that Skeet said belonged to Jodie's divorced mother.

WTF why would anyone identify someone this way? Seriously, did one of Francine Pascal's ghostwriters tackle this part of the storyline?

Lisa's actually out with her mom, so Nathan hangs out with Charlie, who talks about Shakespeare and teaches Nathan about cars. Charlie is frigging awesome. Lisa's sort of weirded out to see Nathan there when she gets home but she recovers, and her mom totes loves Nathan.

Nathan convinces Lisa to come and hang out with HIS family, where his mom harrasses Lisa because she doesn't want to go to college. It's rude but at least it's more real than all those people in the Lurleneverse who act like college is this totally weird thing only a few people do these days. Lisa accidentally touches this Christmas ornament that Molly made, and his mom freaks the eff out. She's so good about it though! She just nicely suggests laminating the picture on the fridge and putting one of those collector's baseball protective globes around the ornament. Lisa, way to be!

Then there's this MYSTERIOUS STUFF from Lisa's POV where her mom and Charlie are like "you're gonna have to start going five days a week" and Lisa's all BOO HOO I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME TO BE NORMAL so I guess Lisa's gonna die! Or at least get really ill. Or something. Sorry, Lisa, you are perhaps the coolest girl in the whole Lurleneverse, so this royally blows for me too.

Also we totally know it's radiation when Nathan spots tattooed dots on the back of Lisa's neck. He assumes she started a tattoo and changed her mind. Yes, Nathan, tattoos are started with a few dots in a grid. You have to come back every day FOR ELEVEN YEARS for it to be completed. SHUT UP.

Nathan's mom doesn't approve of Lisa, and tells him that the wrong girl now could be disastrous. I don't even know what that means! Does she think he has to list girlfriends on college apps and resumes? Is she talking about getting girls pregnant? I don't even know. Shut up, Nathan's mom.

Nathan can't take it that he doesn't know where Lisa disappears to all the time instead of going to class, so one day he skips and follows her. HOW ROMANTIC. Anyways, he sees that she's going to the hospital, and waits so he can confront her. She's angry, but he says he has the right to follow her because he loves her. OH GROSS. Just the way stalkers and abusers rationalize what they're doing. Ugh ugh NATHAN COME ON.

Lisa says if he comes over that night she'll tell him everything. He does, and she admits she has a brain tumor. She doesn't want anyone to know so she swears Nathan to secrecy. He complies but finds it hard to concentrate on the rest of life. Uh, YEAH. His heart's not even in the band's first gig at the VFW hall, which Skeet declares so dorky they could register it. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.

After the concert, Lisa makes Nathan take her to a frat party, where she starts drinking, puking, and then ending up in so much pain they have to call for an ambulance. Poor Lisa! Tumors are mean. Nathan stays with Lisa and her fam while she's being checked out at the hospital, and doesn't even pretend he gets home on time. The next day his mom goes nuts screaming at him about this, but he still doesn't reveal Lisa's secret brain tumor. Lemme tell you, I would have let my parents know, but maybe I'm just not good at secrets. Also I never had a curfew so clearly I was working with some different standards to start with.

While hanging out one day, Lisa tells Nathan the reason her mom won't marry Charlie is that if she does, she loses her (and therefore Lisa's) health insurance. WTF. Is this true ANYWHERE? I thought marriage got you more perks not less! I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Nathan invites Lisa to the Valentine's Day dance so they can double with Skeet and Jodie. Lisa accepts and:

Nathan's heart hammered. He wanted to hold her and kiss her beautiful mouth.

You sure got a pretty mouth!

At the dance we learn the band is no more, between Nathan's waning interest, and Larry the Drummer leaving for a rock band. Well, hire a dude who really wants to be in a rock band, expect that he will eventually leave you for one.

After the dance, Nathan goes back to Lisa's with her and DECIDES TO SPEND THE NIGHT I AM NOT KIDDING. He calls his mom to tell her and she says the greatest thing ever ever EVER:

"That girl is poison!"

The next day Lisa goes to Nathan's with him, and his mom is all OMG YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA GET PREGNANT!!!!!!!!! and I expected this to be all NOOO WE JUST STAYED UP TALKING but nooooooo instead Lisa says:

"That won't happen, Mrs. Malone. I won't get pregnant because, you see, I won't live long enough to ever have a baby."

Lisa, I don't think that's actually how it works, but good thinking. ALSO THIS MEANS THEY TOTALLY HAD SEX AS TEENAGERS WHO ARE NOT MARRIED AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ON THEIR SIDE OMG WHAT IS HAPPENING THE EARTH IS GOING BACKWARDS AND WATER IS GOING BACK INTO MY DRAIN THE LURLENEVERSE KEEPS UNSCREWING.

I need to lie down for a bit and deal with this.

OK well my love is a bit short-lived because then in the next chapter Charlie has to go and thank Nathan for settling their girl down, which, ugh, isn't she only eighteen? Also I hate this notion that that's what a real relationship is. Again ESPECIALLY AT EIGHTEEN. Whatever. I still like you, Charlie. Will you buy me a bike?

So Lisa tells Charlie she has to go for some tests and will call when she's done. Except she doesn't! And her number is no longer in service! And they go to her apartment and the building manager is cleaning it out because the tenants have left!

Nathan tracks them down, though, and finds out Lisa is someplace in Miami (she's from Florida originally). He goes and finds her in basically a hospice, but one that is set in beautiful scenery so she can be surrounded by that when she dies. However, she is now blind. Also she's bald, but that doesn't seem as bad as the blind thing. She doesn't want him to see her like this but of course is glad he's there. They talk about the night they spent together and both say they have NO REGRETS OMG. This book is awesome at least for that. Also Lisa admits to being student 454, the genius author of the dubiously genius Icarus poem.

Anyways, Lisa OF COURSE dies (not that second or anything). Nathan gets accepted to a school in Kentucky. I hope it's in Louisville, because that is actually a very cool town. Also he plants his own memorial tree for Lisa in the backyard of death plants, with his mother's help. I guess they've stopped hating each other, so everyone can live happily ever after.

You know. Sort of. People did die and all. At least Lisa got some first!

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-05T10:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks to ihatewheat over at the Dairi Burger for the shoutout (and thanks to Genevieve for alerting me to it!). I definitely need to get back to blogging here, and so I'm making it one of my resolutions to do so (and unlike going to the gym more and saving more money I think I might achieve this one!). I know excuses are lame, but: grad school, work, major rewrites on novel (combined with enough querying to make your pretty little heads spin, trust me).

I continue to be alive!

2008-07-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

One of my pet peeves is when bloggers spend more time blogging about how they should be blogging than actually blogging, so I feel like a real jackhole to be here again telling you guys I AM SORRY for the lack of posting activity, and I really do read all your comments and emails asking for new posts. And they will come!

It's absolutely a good news for me/bad news for you scenario, to be perfectly honest. My actual book is flying along right now (over 52k, when did that happen?) and I've been doing a ton of research for book number three, and those books, while not as groundbreaking as anything our beloved Lurlene has written for us, generally always take priority.

Anyways, there's a Lurlene book on my bedside table now (that's absolutely true, too, you can ask my roommate Dawn Rochelle to verify this and I'm sure she would report good findings), so I'll be back in business as soon as I can be.

Why was death so awesome?

2008-06-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

Obviously none of us are here thinking there is quality lit in the Lurleneverse. That said, once upon a time, many of us would have said there was, or at least that we couldn't get enough of dying heroines and their dreams of white dresses.

So what is the appeal? Obviously there's quite a market for death-and-disease books in the YA genre, right? Lurlene's kind of got this market cornered, but it's not just her, and clearly kids want to read these. I would have read each and every one of these as a kid if I could have gotten my hands on them.

And let's see:

I myself never suffered from a serious illness.
No one in my immediate family suffered from a serious illness*.
None of my friends or romantic prospects suffered from a serious illness.

So clearly it's not about that. Also, while I wasn't a heathen or anything back then, I wasn't scoping out "inspirational" fiction, so it wasn't that either.

The always-fantastic Tiny Pants sent me some information about the book Loving with a Vengeance: Mass-produced Fantasies for Women by Tanya Modleski, who said the following about gothic novels for women:

On the other hand, [death] endows the woman with something like 'tragic hero' status: "What can a heroine do?" asks Joanna Russ in pointing out that men have taken all the active plots. She can die. And in dying, she does not have to depart from the passive feminine role, but only logically extend it. On the other hand, death can be a very powerful means of wreaking vengeance on others who do not properly 'appreciate' us, and it is in this form that the fantasy of death can be found in Harlequin Romances, which, with their happy endings, seem on the surface to have nothing in common with the tragic Clarissa plot.

Considering that in many ways, Lurlene's books follow the trajectory of a simple teen romance novel (and many are in addition to being disease books), is this what's going on? Girls can land a big plotline, but only by doing something super passive like DYING.

Anyway, I am really curious to hear why you guys think you used to be so fascinated with these books, or - if you weren't - why others were... AND STILL ARE.

*at the time of my reading these books

The only thing that can hold back football is a bunch of tulips, or Don't Die, My Love

2008-06-11T00:12:00.000-07:00

One of my friends and a surprise (to me) fan of this blog just had a baby! Well, his wife did, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. Anyways, since I know he is reading this, congrats to the happy family! Special note to new baby Alexander: please avoid the Lurleneverse at all costs.

ON TO BUSINESS!

Ever since I started this blog, you guys have been all OH MY GOD WHEN ARE YOU DOING DON'T DIE, MY LOVE (published 1995) IT IS THE MOST AMAZING BOOK EVERRRRR. I hadn't read it before, so I figured I'd get to it when I got to it. You guys kept coming back though and talking about tulips and love and death, and, okay, you had me. Then I discovered that, unlike ninety-eight percent of Lurlene books, it had its own Wikipedia entry. By now someone has made it a bit more normal, but thanks to the revision history, you guys, I reconstructed the entry as it once stood.

Please bear in mind I DID NOT REWRITE ANY OF THIS.

Don't Die, My Love is a 3rd person romance novel authored by Lurlene McDaniel.

Plot
Julie Ellis and Luke Muldenhower are deeply in love. From the sixth grade through high school, Luke and Julie had always been "mad in love" for one another. When Luke can't exorcise what he thinks is a minor virus, Julie persuades him to see a doctor. Luke's test results are alarming, but Julie believes the strength of their love will see them through anything. When Luke finds his way in heaven, he left Julie with a love that is being represented through tulips. With that, Julie knows that luke is waitng untill the end of her tommorows. Find out how Julie makes it through the rest of her life.

Characters

Julie Ellis, a romantic female teen who is very persevering.
Luke Muldenhower, an avid football player, courter of Julie and a physically unstable person. He has been madly in love with Julie since 13th grade.

Okay, obviously I couldn't just SIT WITH THIS and NOT SHARE. I sent the link to my beloved friend Stacey, who sent comments on the cover (I'll include those below) and a recap of the wiki entry! Stacey, your words were so beautiful I had to share them with the world.

I love how the synopsis is crazy but kind of normally written until then suddenly it just is not normally written at all.
Sixth graders in mad love!
If you asked me "Two characters are named Luke and Julie. Which one of them is going to die, Luke or Julie?" It would SO CLEARLY be Luke. I am not sure why. Names, again, Lurlene!
"exorcise." I get a feeling there is more going on with Luke than meets the eye.
I love how it sounds like they're married. Julie persuades him to see a doctor not, you know, his mom who still washes his underpants.
"When Luke finds his way in heaven, he left Julie with a love that is being represented through tulips." I'm not sure, I swear, that anything I ever read will feel the way it felt when I read this sentence.
I'd like to think that "When Luke finds his way in heaven" indicates that the book actually takes place in some other dimension that may or may not be heaven and then there's a scene where he's like "I thought the 7/11 was around here? Can you direct me to the 7/11?" and then he finds his way.
A "physically unstable person"??? Oh shit this story just got way scarier. Run, Julie!!!!
13TH GRADE 13TH GRADE WHAAAAAT COULD IT MEAN. I love that as the kicker to this synopsis SO MUCH.

Stacey, thank you so much for all of this.

Oh, you guys probably want to see the REAL synopsis, don't you?:

Julie Ellis and Luke Muldenhower have always been school sweethearts. Now both are in high school and deeply in love. Luke, a talented football player, is almost certain to receive an athletic scholarship to a top college. And no matter what her parents say, wherever Luke goes, Julie intends to follow. When Luke can't shake what he thinks is a virus, Julie persuades him to see a doctor. Luke's test results are alarming, but Julie believes their love is stronger than anything. Can love survive, now and forever?

I don't know; CAN IT?

That forementioned cover?

There's nothing I can say that Stacey didn't already say better, so:

I remember this cover from stores! Also, the SUNKEN EYES. I am confused by this cover because, is he SUPPOSED to look sickly? Like the cap and everything? Only there's clearly hair up there and stuff so maybe he is just a wimpy looking dude? Sorry dude that's mean cuz you're gonna die. Also in the inset: are they on the moon??

Thank you again, Stacey. Please feel free to precap any books you'd like!

The book opens with Julie letting Luke into her house. They get all expositiony to let us know they haven't seen each other much because Luke is all busy on the football team, of which Julie's dad is the coach. The kids are all snuggly:

He pressed his forehead against hers and kissed the tip of her turned-up nose.

Um I have thought about this scene a lot, you guys, and I can't make it physically possible in my head, unless he has THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FACE and she has the world's LONGEST face.

The coach comes in because he's totes obsessed with his star player Luke. Oh noes, Luke thinks he has a flu that can't be shaked! Hey, let's sing!

Shake your flu!
Luke just can't shake his flu!
Shake your flu!
Luke just can't shake HIS FLU.

The coach is horrified that Luke and Julie are planning a romantic date:

Her father looked horrified. "Don't go spoiling my prize quarterback and making him soft, Julie-girl."

Uh, coach? Most girls aren't exactly out to make their guys soft IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

Obviously I hate the coach already! He makes some snarky comment about Julie throwing like a girl. If he said that to me I'd whip out a fucking ninja star and slice open his face, but they don't let me in the Lurleneverse for MANY OBVIOUS REASONS.

She knew her dad was teasing, but still his remark stung. She was her parents' only child. And a daughter at that.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS "A DAUGHTER AT THAT" OH MY GOD. Yes, that's right, females are the inferior sex. Holy shit I'm pissed off, and I'm on page five!

Finally they escape the coach:

Once outside in the crisp November night, Luke took her in his arms and kissed her long and hard.

See, coach, he isn't getting soft at all!

They hang out with their friends Solena and Frank (does anyone in high school have a friend named Frank?) when Julie discovers a lump on Luke's neck. Ruh roh! He says it's only a swollen gland. (That's what she said!) Luke's all annoyed she's inquiring so much about his health. Luke, I sort of would be too. But I wouldn't handle it by saying:

"Are you going to hang out your shingle?" He held up an imaginary sign. "'Julie Ellis: Medicine Woman.'"

OH MY GOD THERE IS NO DUDE IN HIGH SCHOOL WHO WOULD USE THE WORD "SHINGLE" IN THAT WAY UH UH NO WAY NO HOW.

When Julie gets home, her guidance counselor mother is harassing her about filling out applications for college SOON because MY GOD SHE'S ALREADY A JUNIOR. WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLL. I knew some goddamned overachievers, trust me, but I don't know ANYONE who sent off applications their Junior year. Also do schools even consider you so early on?

Anyways, Julie has a dumbass college plan already. She knows Luke will get a bunch of football scholarship offers, so when she finds out from where, she'll just apply to those schools. Man, it's no wonder Julie's mom is concerned about Julie's future, but let's be real, you and me, Julie's mom, let's talk like pals: any of those schools accepting kids for early admission are NOT going to take your dumbass daughter.

So later that weekend Julie goes over to Luke's place and feels his glands. I'm not even kidding. They're still swollen, and she urges him to go to the doctor. They get in a big fight over this, because Luke's mom doesn't have the extra cash for doctor's visits. Julie says the coach will pay, and Luke says "It's my flu, you know", like, dude, way to be possessive about the dumbest thing ever. I've got only one thing to say about this:

SHAKE YOUR FLU!
Luke just can't shake HIS FLU!

When Julie tells the coach there was a fight, of course he blames her:

"Don't be hard on my man, Julie-girl. Luke's had a rough season. He doesn't need hassle from his girl."

Wait, don't be hard? I thought she wasn't supposed to let him get soft? I AM SO CONFUSED.

To apologize, Luke brings her a ton of flowers. Apparently Julie is SUPER INTO FLOWERS. Now, me, boys, am not a lady wooed by flowers. Flowers die, ya know. I mean, so do people and animals, but not so quickly (uhhh except in the Lurleneverse, good point). If you're going to give me something perishable make it some enchiladas or a six-pack of Newcastle. Anyways, Julie promises a kiss for every flower he gives her. Ugh, that sounds boring. What kind of plantlife means sex? Give her that next time, Luke.

A few days later, Julie's hanging out with Luke's mother, who is super awesome.

Julie thought Luke's mother was attractive, even if she was on the heavy side.

Nice, Julie, NICE.

So FINALLY Julie takes Luke to the doctor, where she introduces herself as "his, uh... friend". Um, what the fuck, Julie? It's not shameful to be his girlfriend! Well, obviously, it IS but not for whatever reason you're thinking. God, I hate you both. The doctor sends them straight to the hospital sixty miles away in Chicago. RUH ROH! Sounds bad, losers!

Obviously we all know what's going on: Luke's got the cancer! It's Hodgkin's Lymphoma! Somehow I suspect that the ninety-three percent cure rate quoted on Wiki will hold no power in the Lurleneverse.

Since it's... Christmas break or something?... Julie's been off school, so she's been staying at the Ronald McDonald House in Chicago with Luke's mom. How the hell much time does she get off for Christmas? Like, it's not even Christmas yet! Whatever, I'll stop applying logic here. She does go home to celebrate Christmas with her family:

[Her dress from the school holiday dance] reminded her of a simpler time, a throwback to days of unhurried sweetness when nothing was more pressing in her life than studying for a test.

Uh, Julie, you haven't been gone THAT LONG you freak! Also I doubt you ever studied too hard for a test, Miss My Future Matters Only So Much In That I Want To Go To College Wherever My Boyfriend Does.

Julie talks to Luke's mom about any other family who could possibly help out:

"Luke's uncle Steve knows what's going on, doesn't he?" Steve was Luke's father's only brother.

"Yes, but he's all the way out in Los Angeles. Except for phone calls and cards, there's nothing he can do. We haven't seen him for years. He's a bachelor with a job connected to the movie industry."

SPOILER ALERT but I totes expected from "bachelor" and "movie industry" that Steve had Teh Gay but apparently that wasn't code for anything but how selfish us jerks out here in L.A. are. To be fair I recently left the industry and hoooo boy are people nicer! JUST SAYING.

Julie hangs out with Solena, which is a nice opportunity for Lurlene to let us know just how accurately she depicts teenage conversation:

"Frank says that the guys on the team want to do something for Luke, but they don't know what," Solena said after the crowd momentarily cleared away from the table. "Some of the guys are weirded out about it. They think Luke hung the moon and they can't imagine him being sick that way."

"Then fire up your imagination--he really is."

"But cancer! It--it's so unfair!"

Once Luke's home from the hospital, the coach urges him to start working out. His first weight-lifting attempt is pretty sad:

"Man, I'm weak as a kitten."

Kittenish or not, Luke returns to school AND finishes up with chemo. Go Luke! Unfortunately, buddy, I've got a lot of book left, so things are NOT looking good for you. Obviously, for me either, at least you get to die while I'm stuck reading this. JUST SAYING.

Well, that was fast. Almost immediately, Luke goes in for a checkup, and he's got a mass in his chest. This time he won't do chemo, just radiation. All righty then! The doctor lets Luke know he might have some fertility issues later because apparently he's also got a mass in his groin! (That's what she said!) For the radiation treatments, the doctors have to put small tattoos on Luke (just tiny dots) so the technicians can line up the machines.

"Personally, if I got a tattoo, I'd have picked something more exciting--like a mermaid, or a heart."

A MERMAID OR A HEART? GodDAMN you're a badass, Luke. I mean, I have lyrics to showtunes permanently etched on my body, so I don't know why I think I have room to talk, but, geez. Way to be a badass, Luke, way to fucking be.

Solena reports to Julie that Luke's sickness has gotten Frank all paranoid:

"Every time he feels a bump or lump, or even if he has a headache, he gets squirrelly."

OMG seriously?

Also, if Frank's getting lots of lumps and bumps, maybe he SHOULD see a doctor!

While Luke's finishing up his radiation treatments, he's also being a total asshole to Julie. Dude, the hell? Doesn't every guy love a clingy virgin?? Obviously Luke's just got some ISSUES with all of the DYING and the TUMORS and the OMG GROIN CANCER STUFF. They make up OF COURSE, our stupid young non-lovers. And Luke's next scans are clear! GO LUKE!

But, um, Luke? I've still got a big chunk 'o book in front of me. JUST SAYING.

So Luke and Julie travel to L.A. to visit with Steve and his "significant other" Diedra. I am not being a punk; it is literally scare-quoted like that in the book. I guess only relations like wives and girlfriends get to be acknowledged, significant others (and probably partners) get scare quotes. Steve and Diedra are actually pretty cool, though they are stupid enough to want to get married while Luke and Julie are there and have them as their witnesses. Also they have really exciting lives, traveling a lot and working on films, but all they REALLY want is to settle down and have kids. I actually thought we were going to get a refreshing look at a non-traditional life partnership, but PSYCH! I'm like Charlie Brown running to kick the football of progress, and Lurlene/Lucy keeps yanking it away at the last minute.

Out in L.A., Luke asks Julie to promise to marry him someday. I guess that's called gettin' promised in the kinds of communities where people, ya know, get promised to each other. It seems stupid to me! Isn't that just being engaged? Like, "I promise when you ask me to marry me I'll say yes"? I don't get it. I guess it's for people who aren't old enough to really get engaged. Here's an idea! If you're too young to get married, maybe you're too young to make decisions about getting married!

Oh my freaking god. At the chapel, before the wedding, LUKE FUCKING PROPOSES TO JULIE. He gives her a silver and turquoise ring as "a promise ring", which isn't like the thing I just discussed, but A PROMISE TO BUY HER A REAL DIAMOND RING. Right, because engagement isn't real without a rock.

ARGH. I just don't understand! They're in fucking HIGH SCHOOL. I get that they're in love and all, and I don't diss that, seriously. There have been studies done that the love you feel for your high school sweetheart or whatever is no less real than the love you feel later on in life. The big difference is, obviously, when you're seventeen you have SO MUCH ahead of you that it's generally not a smart time to be picking, I dunno, LIFE PARTNERS.

I mean, is it just that they're "good" kids and won't do it before they're married? ARGH. Sex isn't mentioned in this book at all, and I really wish it was (I know, shut upppp) because I genuinely want to know if it's some physical urge making the kids want to shack up THE SOONER THE BETTER or if we're just supposed to think marriage is the most romantic thing any people in love can do, so OF COURSE our hero and heroine should do so.

School starts, and Luke's back on the football team, and doin' fiiiiiiine. Of course he is. There's a big game coming up, and both Luke's mom and Julie are too busy to go with him to the doctor visit right before. But he reports things went fine, so happiness ensues. Or whatever.

The tide turns at the big game though! Luke collapses, and has to be taken to the hospital. His bloodwork's all funky so he's admitted. It's now when he admits that he totes skipped that doctor's appointment. C'MON LUKE ARE YOU SERIOUS. He skipped it because he's been feeling like shit, and he KNEW he was sick. Um, I am not sure I follow your logic there, Luke.

He needs a bone marrow transplant (don't they all!) but attends school as much as he can. The new stadium is named after him, which is a kind of creepy honor WHEN HE'S STILL ALIVE. I guess someone high up in administration is aware they're in the Lurleneverse.

Luke gets sicker and sicker, and ends up back in the hospital. There, he and Julie agree they need to get married RIGHT NOW. WHAT THE HELL. We're not even supposed to think it's a bad idea, like when Cyd Charisse was gonna tie the knot with Shrimp! (To be fair I sort of hate Cyd Charisse and Shrimp too, though.) ARGH. Please die soon, Luke, do not let this stupid dream come to fruition.

Luke has to have surgery to remove a tumor in his lung. It's very risky because, uh, he's really sick. Also because this is the Lurleneverse. I wouldn't get my fucking tonsils taken out in the Lurleneverse. Everyone's there to rally around Luke, including the coach, Steve, and his "wife" Diedra.

NONSHOCK! Luke does NOT survive the surgery. OH NOES. At least Julie's not a widow! Though she IS still a virgin.

Julie is all shellshocked and walking numb through life. Her parents and friends are worried, but since her Luke is dead NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. But one day her father runs into the house and is all THERE IS SOMETHING I MUST SHOW YOU OH JULIE YOU JUST WON'T BELIEVE IT I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT and for some reason Julie, she of the shellshockedness and the numbness, goes with him. I GUESS THIS IS IMPORTANT TO THE PLOT.

So at the football stadium, in the middle of the field, someone has planted fucking tulips to spell out "I [Heart] U". Julie remembers that Luke promised to send a message from heaven, and she knows this is it. Actually, uh, Julie, tulips take awhile, so he probably did this awhile ago. AND HER FATHER TELLS HER AS MUCH HA! For once, coach, you and I are on the same page.

The coach won't even let the field be leveled until tulip season is over. Well, now I know! Football can be cast aside for frigging TULIPS FROM HEAVEN!

I am still alive!

2008-06-10T15:22:00.000-07:00

In case you guys were afraid I was off examining funny bruises or catching a case of the comas, I have just been really busy with in-town family, my book, and this newfangled idea where I have a social life. I'll have a new post up for you guys soon.

If you're really bored in the meantime, feel free to purchase this DVD and recap it for me. Kisses!

Boring zzzzzzsong, or One Last Wish: Mourning Song

2008-05-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

Let's turn our attention to one of the earlier books in the One Last Wish series, Mourning Song (published 1992). I totally read this one, and since I don't have any memories of it, I'm assuming even then I found it a little bit as boring as I did this time around. Oh my god, you guys, this was like Dawn Rochelle-level boring with even more BORING!

Here's the new/current cover:

Uhhhh why are the girls Photoshopped on top of each other, all... magically? It's creepy! I don't understand; if there isn't room to show both of them, maybe they don't need to be SO LARGE or maybe one could stand in front. Maybe this book is about the disease of invisibility? Or teleporting? Beam me up, Lurlene. STUPID COVER.

I can't find a picture of the edition I have, but it's boring so you guys will live, trust me. By the way, I have lived in my house for over a year and a half, and I still can't find the cable that connects my scanner to my computer. Maybe if I move again it'll show up! That said, you guys really aren't missing anything, believe you me.

Oh, so what's this one about? LET ME TELL YOU IT:

You don't know me, but I know about you.... I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

It's been months since Dani Vanoy's older sister Cassie has been diagnosed as having a brain tumor. And now the treatments aren't helping. Dani is furious that she is powerless to help her sister, and she can't even convince her mother to take the girls on the trip to Florida that Cassie has always longed for. Then Cassie receives an anonymous letter and check. Dani knows she can never make Cassie well, but against all odds she dares to make Cassie's dream come true.

Oh, yeah, rare, but in this book, our protag is not the dying girl. CRAZINESS. Can you guys cope? Let's hold onto each other and get through it TOGETHER.

So like the synopsis said, Dani's sister Cassie has a brain tumor and isn't getting better. In fact, she's dying, but their mom doesn't want her to know. WTF! Stupid parenting. By the way, because I haven't yet detailed enough of my childhood issues to you guys, I read enough books like this when I was little to sometimes wonder if I had a bad disease and my parents just weren't telling me. Considering I just had a normal amount of checkups and other doctor appointments, I'm not sure how I even though this was possible. Such was the depth of my illness fixation though. I guess I can thank Lurlene for this one too. Dear Lurlene, please provide me an address so I can forward you my therapy bills.

Also, Cassie's doctor is their mom's boyfriend from college (their policeman dad was killed in the line of duty when the girls were little), which, uh, is that really okay? They are totally OBVIOUSLY dating again. I don't think that's exactly ethical. New doctor!

The unethical doc tells them, in terms of treatment:

"At the very best, all we can do is retard the tumor's growth."

There's gotta be a better way to say that.

Cassie is all depressed because she missed her senior trip to Florida, being busy dying of a brain tumor and all. She is super into the ocean! She makes Dani watch some boring nature special on TV about loggerhead turtles. I can't mock because I'm always watching random educational programming on TV; isn't that the point of having cable? I mean, obviously, besides America's Next Top Model marathons?

At school Dani's all depressed, but gets cheered up by her hot friend Austin. I wish that had happened whenever I'd gotten depressed at school! I didn't even HAVE a hot friend Austin!

Back at the hospital, Cassie asks Dani if she wants to know a secret, and of course she does! Who among us can resist the allure of a good secret? Anyways, obviously you've seen the title of the book, so you should know the secret is the One Last Wish letter (you can go to this recap to read all of it). Cassie isn't sure yet what she wants to do with it.

Dani suggests to her mom that the three of them go to Florida because it's one of Cassie's dreams, and obviously Cassie doesn't have a lot of time left for fulfilling dreams. Wow, I bet you guys are really wondering what on earth that money's gonna get spent on! Her mom says no, that Cassie needs to stay in the hospital and get all the treatments she can. I can't necessarily say I'd disagree in her shoes; you'd probably feel like your kid would be the one to beat the odds (or get fondled by some magic angel).

Dani plots out a plan to take Cassie to Florida, and enlists Austin to help. Obviously they have to sneak Cassie out of the hospital to make this happen. I don't know how I feel about this. Like, yeah, Cassie is dying, and their mom is being really hard-headed about this, but, uh, if she'd come clean to Cassie about the fact that she's dying and then let Cassie make this choice, it would be best. Cassie getting taken from the hospital without any care on the way there and while there isn't exactly genius planning! Everyone in this book is pretty dumb, honestly. I know, you guys are shocked!

So they sneak Cassie out and begin the drive down. They have to do crazy stuff like drive by night and camp by day so that they won't get followed or whatever. I can't believe stuff like this happens in the book and yet it is still so mindnumbingly boring. Even when Austin finds out the police are looking for them, I'm not interested.

During the drive, obviously Dani and Austin have lots of time to talk. He admits that because he's a minister's son, kids can treat him differently, and he hates that.

"Is that why you wear your hair long?"

"Maybe. I'd get an earring, but Dad would croak."

Oh, Austin, you rebel you!

Finally the kids make it to Florida! Cassie is thrilled to see the ocean! Cassie is also thrilled to read in the paper that a loggerhead turtle release is going to happen there soon! Austin's all BORING but Dani lets him know this is Super! Important! to Cassie. Goddamn, these turtles are like the only VAGUELY interesting thing in the whole frigging book.

Cassie wants to have fun, so she takes Dani to a bridal boutique where they pretend Cassie is getting married and she's the maid of honor. Even though the salesperson offers Cassie an option of dress colors, she's all NO OF COURSE I WANT TO WEAR WHITE. Ugh ugh ugh! I think I need a new category for posts, you guys, with all this fucking white worship. Of course the girls look lovely, and it's SO SAD because OBVIOUSLY Cassie is going TO DIE and therefore NOT GET MARRIED which is OBVIOUSLY the most important thing a girl could ever do!

The salesperson is SO AWFUL. I know this was written just so we could all go OH IF ONLY YOU KNEW STUPID SALESLADY but OMG:

"I know just how you feel, my dear," [the salesperson] assured her. "It isn't easy losing a sister. But getting married is the natural order of things. People start new lives. It's inevitable."

Okay, besides the whole fact that NO IT IS NOT INEVITABLE PEOPLE OFTEN DON'T GET MARRIED IT IS NOT ACTUALLY REQUIRED BY LAW, what the hell is with this whole "LOSING A SISTER" business? I hate you, salesperson. Like, lots.

After this outing, Cassie reveals to Dani that she knows she's dying. Dani's all "HOW?" and Cassie is nice enough not to say something like "BECAUSE I'M NOT AN IDIOT YOU IDIOT." Ugh. I am so over all of you characters.

So Austin says it's time for Dani to call her mom, and like a good lady, Dani listens to the man and does so. Actually, it totally IS time, but, ugh. Her mom shows up WITH THE UNETHICAL DOCTOR though that's good because at least he can treat Cassie's growing pain. Everyone argues a bunch, but it all gets resolved OF COURSE.

The fam goes to Disney World, where Dani gets all freaked out by the fucking Haunted Mansion. I know Lurlene is trying to be all deep with thoughts of the afterlife and all but OH MY GOD THE FUCKING HAUNTED MANSION? If there's anything NOT scary, it's the Haunted Mansion. I've never visited it, you know, with a dying relative, but I'm pretty morbid AND easily frightened, and yet I have never had so much of an eerie thought there.

Cassie goes blind and is nearly paralyzed, so it's time for her to go to the hospital. Unethical doctor can't treat her, since he's out of state, but he can act as a consult. Dude, you should have left this case the second you started sleeping with the mom, that's all I'm saying. Whatever.

So of course Cassie dies, NONSHOCK! Dani persuades her mom to stay a little longer in Florida to watch the loggerhead turtles, for Cassie's sake. They do, and everyone lives happily ever after. As happily ever after as you can, after your family member just dies at a young age from a brain tumor!

Grow up, good god, you're already SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD, or Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever

2008-05-14T00:19:00.000-07:00

It is time to pick up where we left off with our ACTUALLY FAIRLY INTELLIGENT AND SEMI-REALISTIC heroines Melissa and Jory in the sequel to Too Young to Die, Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever (published 1989).

I sort of want to start this review with like ten disclaimers. Or maybe five. Okay, one.

For some reason, despite the bizarre sexual nature combined with the anti-sex nature and the creepy brother stuff and the thought that saying yes to sex means saying no to success and the idea that rich people can't parent, I REALLY LOVE THESE TWO BOOKS.

I am so sorry, you guys. I'm not proud. I have no explanation. It's just a fact. Basically I just wish someone else had written these books so we'd keep the basic plot but lose, ya know, the "morality" lessons.

So what's it about? Let me fill you in:

Jory Delaney has always had lots of money. But there's one thing she knows she cannot buy--and that's her best friend Melissa's life. Although Melissa's leukemia is in remission, it's hard for both girls to hold on to the possibility of a very bright future. When Melissa's health begins to deteriorate, Jory watches her friend's courageous battle and is overwhelmed by a sense of loss. Distanced from her parents, Jory grows closer to Melissa's mother and older brother, Michael, as they give each other untold strength in the face of tragedy. As she grapples with the unfairness of Melissa's imminent death, can Jory find a way to turn her anger into the hope and inspiration that Melissa wanted to leave behind?

Wow, thanks for spoiling about three-quarters of the book, marketing department!

Here is the book cover I grew up with:

Some observations: this book cover is sort of misleading. Secondly, Michael and Jory have some nice asses on them. Thirdly, Michael looks a bit like young Scott Baio. Jory sure wants Charles in charge of her, if you know what I'm sayin'.

The next edition of the book looks like this:

Uh, way to make everyone less attractive, marketing geniuses! Also I hate the creepy way the flowers are Photoshopped on top of them, especially on poor unattractive Jory. When was the last time she washed her hair? Gross.

The book opens with Jory and her mom fighting about the family vacation to Europe. Jory's mom, the bitch, wants her to go, while Jory wants to stay in town. Her mom's all I ALREADY LET YOU GO TO PUBLIC SCHOOL WITH "A BUNCH OF RIFFRAFF" THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS THIS. God, I wish these were the kinds of fights I had with my mom when I was seventeen! Gee, Mom, please don't make me go tour those castles!

Jory's mom is mad because she hasn't filled out any of her college applications yet, and it's already the June before her Senior year. Wait, does anyone fill them out that early who isn't going for early admission? I mean, I started out at a really shitty community college, but I know when I went back to real school that I applied sometime in the spring to start in the fall. I know my grad school deadline this year was February to start in September. So way to panic over nothing, Jory's mom. She hates that Jory's so aimless, especially with so much money at her disposal. Okay, Jory isn't exactly the most driven person in the world... BUT SHE'S SEVENTEEN. I had tons of dreams at seventeen but they were all pretty ill-advised and I turned out okay! I mean, I get that there's all sorts of weird pressures on you when you're facing your Senior year, but, man, you've got all the time in the world (unless you have leukemia OBVS). Poor Jory. I mean, I wouldn't have turned down that castle-touring trip, but I've got your back on everything else.

This is probably just how Lurlene thinks rich families behave. Like, I'm not saying there aren't different stresses when one has to be concerned with the community and status and the future of your child who has never had to do anything on her own up until now, but, ugh. This prejudice against the wealthy/upper-class is so lame, Lurlene, so tired and old and lame. Did some rich people, like, beat you up at some point? What started this? You seriously could use some therapy to deal with this.

Jory goes over to Melissa's, where there's a bunch of exposition about Melissa being a genius and on the Brain Bowl and all that jazz. Also there's a dude on the Brain Bowl named Lyle who often asks about Jory. I don't care but I guess I'm supposed to. Melissa also wants Jory to get serious about her future. Man, none of us, even the so-called serious ones, wanted anyone serious about their future the summer before Senior year! Mostly we just wondered who'd be dating who and how heinous our classes would be, and if open lunch was as awesome as it seemed. (It was.)

Michael comes into the room, of course, shirtless and hottttttt, chugging milk and eating powdered-sugar donuts. Ever since Flowers in the Attic there is nothing appealing about those donuts to me. He's bitching about "female chatter" and "little girls" and I am so over you, Michael, yet again. Sexism isn't cute, nor are breakfast items found in books about incest.

Jory takes Melissa to the clinic, and afterwards Melissa wants to go to this secluded place which is where Ric was all UR HAI-MEN LET ME RID U OF IT. Melissa tells Jory about this but says it wouldn't have been right for her. Jory says she's been slapping boys' hands away forever. For a so-called party girl, that's a little surprising. I guess even the feisty BFF can't slut it up in the Lurleneverse. ARGH.

The next morning our ladies get up early to help Michael with his hot air ballooning. Melissa's got it planned to let Jory go up with him for the first time, but of course Michael brings along a girlfriend and Jory's devastated. I know I should probably make fun of Jory for being so hung up on such a pointless case, but I've been there. I get it!

Jory wants to throw a party, and her mom will only let her if she promises to attend important events with the family. She agrees, even to letting her mom select appropriate dates for each. That sounds terrible; I'm not sure any party is worth that. Still, the party goes on, but Melissa's all mopey there, and Jory follows her away from the crowd. As they often do, they talk about sex:

Melissa turned her face toward Jory. Her eyes were dark hollows and her skin looked pale, ethereal. "God decided that you're going to be rich and famous."

"No kidding? And I just thought I had to figure out what to do over the rest of the school year." She smiled nervously and pushed her hair behind her ear. "What did He decide for you?"

A wry smile hovered on Melissa's lips. She leaned sideways and whispered from the corner of her mouth. "That I'll go to my grave a virgin."

Jory laughed at Melissa's sudden turn to humor. "Not if Tony Perez has anything to say about it, you won't."

Melissa sobered and pulled the luxurious length of hair over her shoulder and stroked it. "Last spring, when Ric asked me to go to bed with him, it was the funniest feeling. [Like when you climbed the ropes in gym class?] I mean, I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to know what it felt like. To be with a guy that way." Jory squirmed in the sand. She'd seen enough movies and read enough books to have wondered the same thing. [Wait, "squirmed"? What, is she all hot and bothered and sex-curious? WTF!] "But in the end, I decided I wanted more than to just satisfy my curiosity. I wanted to be in love."

[Wait, Melissa, that is a total lie. Actually you didn't think you could have sex AND achieve your goals! If that had been the reason you'd given Ric, I would have been ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ON YOUR SIDE.]

Bewildered, Jory still couldn't figure out where the conversation was leading. "I guess we all want to be in love before we try making love. I know I do."

Before they "try" making love? It's not really something you sample, Jory.

Unfortunately, Melissa is mopey for a reason: her leukemia has returned. Dammit! Not that we didn't all see that coming, not just from the synopsis, but from her best friend narrating.

Melissa is going to have a bone marrow transplant, since she's lucky to have a brother who is a good match. Finally, Michael is good for something!

Melissa goes into the hospital to prepare for the transplant, and Jory is totally falling apart, of course. Lyle calls her to see if she wants to go out, and she agrees because being home sucks. He reveals that his mother had cancer, and tries to give her some coping ideas. She isn't having any of it, and he's a bit pissed she agreed to go out with him when clearly she didn't want to. Well, you're the one who follows her around school and calls her, even though she's never expressed interest, Lyle, so maybe this is your fault too.

Jory waits at the hospital the day of the transplant, with Melissa and Michael's mom, who says she thinks of Jory as one of her own and is so grateful she's in Melissa's life. Aw! As much as I hate the tired clichés of Jory's rich parents, I do love that Jory has a real relationship within Melissa's family. Of course, the moment is ruined when Melissa's mom mentions she's glad Jory stopped wearing blue nail polish, and Jory chalks it up to one of her phases. ARGH. Why do you have to be so mature and grown-up at SEVENTEEN? Also blue is a completely acceptable nail polish color, one of only three colors I wear on my toes. And I am grown-up, dammit!

I know this is totally a tangent but egads this is another one of my pet peeves. There is not one acceptable grown-up way to dress, okay? Some of us might be thirty and still go to work in pigtails and sneakers and be totally completely one-hundred-percent respected, you know? Whatever, apparently in the Lurleneverse you have to be totes ambitious and in business-casual by seventeen, but the upside is that one can SAMPLE SEX. Man, that'd be good, right? People would have to try way more on technique if there was sampling involved, much like how once people started downloading albums from the internet artists had to make each track decent, not just the singles. It is EXACTLY THE SAME THING.

When the surgery's over, Ms. Austin goes to Melissa because Jory promises to look after Michael. While he's still passed out cold, SHE TOTALLY KISSES HIM OMG! Even I, queen of creepy, wouldn't do that. I swear. JORY OMG I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT EWWWW.

While Michael is recovering, Jory gives him a glossy photo book of hot air balloons. Of course Michael can't be grateful, noooo, he has to bitch that it must have cost "at least fifty dollars". SHUT UP MICHAEL OMG I HATE YOU. What a fucking asshole! You know what I say when people give me presents that maybe they spent too much on? "THANK YOU!"

Melissa has an infection, and needs blood, so Jory and Lyle organize a big-ass blood drive at the school. Of course it's a big success. Jory should totes get into event-planning or something, she'd rock at it. Not that I'm telling a seventeen-year-old to worry about her career, I'm just saying. As always, Lurlene is queen of capturing the way teenagers speak:

"You just want the chance to dunk the principal in the water tank at the baseball toss."

The boy grinned. "Hey, now that sounds like fun."

Hey, now, don't it?

They collect a lot of money (and blood), thanks in no small part to a big-ass check signed by Jory's mother. Jory confronts her about this, since she generally acts as if she doesn't give a shit about Melissa, and she says she can't imagine what the family's going through, and she's so glad it isn't Jory. Jory says she's glad it isn't her too. Aw, man, this is sort of a nice scene, the kind that makes me still sort of like this book. Whatever, I said it.

Lyle invites Jory to a party, and she goes with him and probably would have had fun if he hadn't brought up the fact that Melissa is dying. Jory's all NO SHE'S NOT SHE'S JUST HAVING TROUBLE WITH THE CURE and, oh man, this is kind of tough reading. Of course they get in a fight and Jory storms off. You guys, guess who she runs into? DRUNKEN MICHAEL!

Okay, this book is really sort of awesome.

Drunken Michael's friend asks Jory to take his keys and take him home, so of course she does. For some reason, of all places, Jory takes Michael to the place where Ric asked to make Melissa's hymen a thing of the past. Lovely! They talk about Melissa, and start making out. Michael stops himself, because:

"If this had happened to Melissa and I found out about it, I would have gone after the guy with my bare hands."

Oh SHUT UP MICHAEL! If your sister had wanted to do some guy, more power to her! You don't get to beat up people for having sex! God, I hate you. Jory, I still think you're awesome, though. Don't worry.

Melissa starts doing better! YAY! That's the good news. The bad news is Jory's mom gets her report card and is pissssssssssed. These are not college-gettin'-in grades, Jory, geez. I probably wouldn't do too well either if my best friend was dying. Jory's mom says that EVERYONE goes to college, which is funny, given that in the Lurleneverse generally kids don't think they have to! Weird! Some of the earlier books seem a bit more entrenched in reality, even if it's a reality I don't quite like.

Even worse, Melissa has another fever. Argh! It's meningitis. That royally blows! And even worse, right after getting the news, Jory is stuck at some event with a loser date picked out by her mother. She runs out early, and finds her mom waiting for her. She knows she's in for a punishment, but she begs her mom to yell at her later. Finally, her mom is able to get a word in edgewise, and what she says makes me choke up EACH AND EVERY TIME DAMMIT:

Mrs. Delaney stepped in front of Jory as she started to leave. "Mrs. Austin called here about ten tonight, and Mrs. Garcia called us at the club."

Jory felt her heart pounding. "Tell me in the morning," she said, trying to step around her mother.

"Jory, you must listen to me."

"I don't want to listen." Jory fought a rising sense of panic. The walls seemed to be closing in. Why wouldn't her mother get out of her way? Childlike, Jory clamped her hands over her ears. "I can't hear you, Mother. I'm not going to listen."

Mrs. Delaney reached out, took Jory's wrists, and tugged. "Melissa died tonight, honey. Her heart gave out."

Even on my adult reread, I cried. So sue me. Believe it or not my heart isn't made of stone!

Jory finally reads the journal Melissa entrusted to her, and finds a letter from her. I actually don't hate on most of it, except for when Melissa says she's glad she didn't sleep with Ric so she can still be buried in virginal white. Holy CRAP are the Lurleneverse heroines into white. Guess what, ladies of the Lurleneverse, you can totes wear white once you've done the deed, and no one's the wiser! It's not a fucking law, and even if it was, I would march to repeal it. Whatever, apparently it's supposed to be A JOKE but I'm not laughing, Melissa. Sweet, dead Melissa. Aw!

Michael FINALLY takes Jory up in the hot air balloon! AT LAST! By now she has been accepted into college, as has her now-boyfriend, Lyle. Different schools too YES! All in all, I can't hate too much on this book. I hope Jory goes off to college, wears ridiculous shades of nail polish, has tons of mindblowing sex, and wears white all the time.

You're not my real mom, or One Last Wish: Mother, Help Me Live

2008-05-12T23:04:00.000-07:00

It was with great trepidation that I began rereading One Last Wish: Mother, Help Me Live (published 1992), but we'll get into that in a bit. For now, let me tell you guys what it's about:

You don't know me, but I know about you... I can't make you live longer, I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

When the doctors explain to Sarah MacGreggor and her parents that she will need a bone marrow transplant to live, she is distraught. Then Sarah learns that her family cannot be donors because they are not blood relatives. Sarah is furious that her parents never told her she was adopted.

Even as Sarah faces the devastating news, she is granted one last hope - the anonymous letter she receives allows her an incredible opportunity. She can search for her birth mother, who gave her up fifteen years ago. Now, when Sarah needs this woman for her very survival, what will she discover?

Hmmm!

The copy I read looks like this:
This cover doesn't really even make any sense, like circumstances led to an open door but with Sarah facing away...? I don't get it. Whatever, our heroine looks appropriately sad but strong, and of course the evil biological mother's got a raging case of bitchface. Bio!Mom lives in Santa Monica, so I can't say I disagree with this portrayal of a Westsider. No offense, Westside. I'm just saying, this cover sums up every time I try to go over there to socialize. Me: sad, silent, hand over heart. Them: bitchface.

Of course there's a new edition, because if there's anything Lurlene's publishers are, it's SUPER INTO NEW EDITIONS. This isn't to be confused with SUPER INTO NEW EDITION which would look more like this:

Nope, Lurlene's people requisitioned something that looks more like this:

Um, is Sarah's biological mother DOLLY PARTON? Oh man, I would totally read that book. I would LIVE that book. (Except for the leukemia.)

Okay, people, so here's the deal. This is sort of a subject near and dear my heart, not because I or anyone I know needs a bone marrow transplant, but because my brother is adopted. So adoption is this totally normal NON-DRAMA thing in my family, and has been ever since I was very little and found out my parents were trying to adopt.

I still totally remember this episode of Family Ties where Skippy finds out he's adopted, and I was totes horrified that any parent would keep it secret from their kid for so long!Also I remember that my mom, who helped out in my brother's first grade classroom, shared with the teacher on the anniversary of my brother's adoption because back then we celebrated it as sort of a second birthday, and she was all I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO MENTION THAT REALLY DO YOU SUCH A SECRET PRIVATE THING like they wanted to do satanic rituals in our Catholic grade school or something, and my mom was just all "uhhh, why wouldn't we be okay sharing this?"

Wow, are those seriously my only two points of reference? My own life and FAMILY frigging TIES?

Anyways, obviously, those events both occurred quite a long time ago, and things are pretty different now. Thanks, celebrities, for adopting all those kids! Now it's totes not seen as weird. Good for you!

(I'm not kidding, guys. I just read really sarcastic, I'm aware.)

Anyways, wasn't I recapping a book? Wouldn't you guys rather first watch the Family Ties theme? I thought so.

So the book. We open all HEAVY EXPOSITION with Sarah and her mom, who are all IT'S STARTING AGAIN ISN'T IT YES INDEED as Sarah's hair is falling out, so clearly that remission didn't take and she's back in chemo land. Damn, sorry Sarah.

Sarah lives in a small town in Georgia, so she has to be three hundred miles away in a big Memphis hospital. Wow, just yesterday I started planning a trip to Memphis for next year! Serendipity! This sucks for Sarah because her entire family can't be there the whole time. Her dad will be up soon, and her mom brings up the mystical magical story of Sarah's birth, which is that they tried SO HARD and SO LONG for a baby until she came along (then Tina two years later and Richie - wait, Richie?? - nine years after that).

Okay, I read the synopsis, so I know Sarah's mom is totes lying, which, ugh to start with. But to make up some elaborate tale on top of that? Couldn't she have just, ya know, not talked about it much? Less of a real lie than just not sharing one hundred percent of the truth? It's not like I know anyone who was all dying to know about the circumstances of THEIR CONCEPTION anyway. Not me, friends, not me.

That weekend, the whole fam visits. Richie is four and adorable. Tina is thirteen and A TOTAL WENCH. She's all YOU SURE GOT A LOT OF FLOWERS and [the room] DOESN'T LOOK TOO AWFUL TO ME like, dude, Tina, what the fuck is wrong with you, YOUR SISTER HAS FRIGGING LEUKEMIA. Tina is also envious of all the teen magazines (!) Sarah has. God, I hate Tina. I am on page five and already I hate everyone in this family except Sarah and Richie. And, sorry to spoil you guys, but Sarah won't remain on my good list for long.

The doctors talk to Sarah and her parents about her progress. Sarah's doing okay, but what would really help is, of course, a bone marrow transplant. Her parents are all WELL I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT ALSO DON'T TEST US OR OUR KIDS FOR COMPATIBILITY I THINK SARAH'S ACTUALLY FINE and Sarah's all, the hell?

After this, Sarah's parents reveal their big lie:

Her father stepped forward and took her hand. "Baby, there's no need for Tina or Richie to be typed for compatibility. They're not going to match you."

Sarah stared at then, confused and dumbfounded. "How can you be sure? They're my sister and brother."

Her mother shook her head. Tears trickled down her cheeks. "No, Sarah, they're not. [OMG WTF SHUT UP SHUT UP ACTUALLY THE CORRECT ANSWER IS "actually, Sarah, they're not your biological siblings"] When you were three days old, we adopted you."

Understandably, Sarah freaks the fuck out. Here's the short version of the story: they couldn't conceive, so they adopted her, then they ended up conceiving Tina (and then Richie) later on. That's actually super common.

Sarah seems less upset about the lying than being adopted, is all I AM NOT RELATED TO ANY OF YOU I AM JUST A LEGAL TRANSACTION I DON'T BELONG TO ANYONE WOE IS MEEEE and just SHUT UP SARAH. Lying is awful, and your parents really, really fucked up. That said, adoption is not some crappy inferior way to end up in a family, and it doesn't make you any less related to the people who adopted you. Great, now I hate you too.

Sarah wants time alone, and stares in the mirror:

She was seeing "eyes of such a pale, clear shade of blue as to resemble light streaming through a window." Scott Michaels had described them that way when she'd been eleven, and it had made her blush.

NO HE DIDN'T. I do not believe any eleven-year-old has ever uttered such a phrase. WAY TO CAPTURE THE REALISM OF TWEEN CONVERSATION LURLENE.

Soon, of course, Sarah gets THE LETTER. If this is your first OLW recap, head back here to read the full text. She keeps it secret, of course, like this is the way most people would react. Actually, guys, once this is posted, I'm going to create this week's poll, and that's what I'm going to find out. So if you read this on an RSS feed, be sure to actually come to the site.

Sarah goes home from the hospital but is still all whiny and emo about her sitch. No, not the cancer, not the lying, but the BEING ADOPTED. Shut up, Sarah. Her neighbor Scott of the AS TO RESEMBLE LIGHT STREAMING THROUGH A WINDOW Scott does visit, but she doesn't tell him about the adoption stuff, because she is ASHAMED. But after a blowup with heinous Tina where Sarah's all DON'T WORRY WE'RE NOT EVEN RELATED (which is rude and wrong uggghhhh I hate Sarah, though at least this time she also chastises her parents for the lying), she ends up telling Scott everything.

Despite that dumbass thing about blue eyes, Scott is pretty smart, because he has a friend who is adopted, and is super fine with it! Also he is quick to correct Sarah on saying shit like "real mom" when, duh, her REAL MOM is the one who raised her, and her biological mother is the one who gave birth to her. Thanks for that terminology lesson, Scott, that wenchface Sarah really needed it.

Sarah realizes, while talking to Scott, that she could FIND her biological mother, and maybe biological siblings, and then she'd have a great shot at the bone marrow transplant. This is actually not a bad idea! Scott says it would cost lots of money (I dunno, would it?) but that's fine because Sarah's got the OLW money.

So Sarah goes to her parents, and they sit her down to lecture her on the assface she's been lately. She also comes clean about the letter and says she wants to search for her biological mother. Sarah's mom keeps trying to guilt trip her, all THINK OF ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR FAMILY WITH THAT MONEY like, uh, Sarah's mom, I know your daughter is a wench and I know you are also a lying wench, but, uh, think about this. Do you want Sarah to live? Then face the fact that maybe this is necessary. ARGH. My parents were always nothing but supportive, telling my brother that once he was eighteen if he wanted any help finding biological family they would be there. They aren't lying jackholes though to be fair.

Sarah's mom does admit she's curious:

"I wanted a baby so badly, and well, if you must know, she didn't want hers at all. I couldn't imagine such a thing."

Seems an awful lot like talking smack about someone who made a REALLY TOUGH DECISION that, uh, resulted in you GETTING A BABY. Way to be all OH MY I COULDN'T IMAGINE! I know lots of women that give up their babies really really WANT THEM but can't for some reason or another. Or, you know, they're not ready to be moms. Or whatever else. GodDAMN I hate you, Sarah's mom. Judgey McBitchPants.

Sarah hires a private investigator who tracks down Sarah's biological mother.

Sarah read further, "...being the mother of a female child named (Baby Girl) Warren..." She stopped reading. Was that all Sarah had been to her--Baby Girl Warren? Hadn't Janelle even bothered to give her baby a name? [Uh, Sarah, she gave you up for adoption, why would she be thinking of freaking NAMING YOU?] Sarah's vision blurred, but she continued to read, "...and having sole right to custody and control of said child, said child having been born out of wedlock..."

Sarah winced. Of course, she'd known for some time that her natural mother and father had never married, but seeing the words in black and white cut through her like a knife.

WHY? I haven't thought having kids when you weren't married was sinful since I quit Catholic school. ARGH. This family is so fucking judgmental.

The private investigator reveals he does this work because he too was adopted and had a happy reunion with his biological family. He still likes his adopted family, though, he reveals that HE EVEN KEPT THEIR NAME. WTF! It's your fucking name too, you asshole. You don't give that up if you make a happy reunion with your biological family. GodDAMN Lurlene, did you talk to anyone who was ACTUALLY adopted?

The investigator tracks down Sarah's biological mother in a beach community near L.A. I am assuming it's supposed to be Santa Monica. Sarah, her mother, and the private eye all go together to confront her or whatever. This plan is stupid, but Sarah thinks while her biological mother could ignore a letter or phone call, she won't be able to refuse her in person. Maybe. I still hate everything about this plan. Also this book.

Janelle Warren lives modestly in a small house with two cats and a parrot. Holy crap, wouldn't the parrot try to eat the cats? Or vice versa? You guys, I am so scared of parrots I can't even tell you. Sarah wants to see Janelle before confronting her, so they stalk her to her usual restaurant where she meets up with her politics boyfriend. Sarah's all dazzled because Janelle's in designer clothes whereas everyone back home looks crappy all the time. Listen, I don't want to be all I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN SARAH but whenever I go back to my small hometown to visit, I'm often struck with these UH YOU SERIOUSLY LEFT THE HOUSE THAT WAY?? thoughts, and when my brother came out here to visit, he was laughing at how everyone looked, in his words, ready to go to a club at any moment. Maybe my brother and I are just jerks, though. It's possible.

So Sarah, her mom, and the P.I. go to Janelle's house, though Sarah goes alone to the door. Janelle's all GO AWAY! as soon as she realizes who Sarah is. Sarah cries in the car and is all BOO HOO MY REAL MOTHER DOESN'T WANT ME, and luckily her mom is all OH HELL NO I AM YOUR REAL MOM WHO SAT WITH YOU THROUGH CHEMO AND RAISED YOU AND ALL THAT OTHER STUFF and FINALLY Sarah gets it through her thick head. All three of them go to the door to confront Janelle, and explain why Sarah is there. Janelle is all YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE HAD AN ABORTION IT WAS LEGAL AND IT DOESN'T SHOW ON A WOMAN'S BODY LIKE PREGNANCY DOES and I am not even sure what the hell she's talking about. Is she wanting a thank you from Sarah? Is this some sort of slam against abortion? I DON'T EVEN KNOW. Janelle's a douchebag too.

Anyways, Janelle says she can't help with the bone marrow transplant, and that Sarah's biological father doesn't have kids either. All right then! Sarah makes this beautiful observation:

Janelle turned and walked to a large picture window and toyed with the drapery cord. The curtains were already shut, just like Janelle Warren's heart, Sarah thought.

Sarah's mom leaves their hotel info with Janelle, and they go. Janelle shows up to explain. She lets Sarah know that she thought it better her baby go to a loving home with two parents, not one. Her boyfriend, Sarah's biological father, actually died before Sarah was born. Janelle didn't want to tell her parents about the pregnancy, because they had such pride in her.

"In those days, there was a certain amount of shame in being an unwed mother. Women didn't wear illegitimate pregnancies like badges of pride as they do today."

Uhhh I hate you, Janelle. Also, I find this totally hard to believe from this character. Firstly, she lives in the L.A. area, which is a blue city in a blue county in a blue state. Secondly, she herself went through an--I really hate using this term--illegitimate pregnancy herself. Wouldn't she think it BETTER for women to go through less shame? ARGH. I hate these people.

Janelle also reveals that her bone marrow is unusable because she had breast cancer. Damn! They at least have a nice goodbye.

Back at home, Tina has organized a bone marrow donor drive! Go Tina! Sarah realizes she obviously DID have a REAL family all along. Good lesson learned, Sarah. I still think all of you are heinous, though.

Could it be that Lurlene is... wrong?

2008-05-06T11:22:00.000-07:00

My friend Stacey sent me a link to a really interesting article about childhood leukemia risks:

However, it is also thought that contracting some childhood infections - which are often readily spread in environments such as playgroups where children are in close contact with each other - may prime the immune system against leukaemia.

Conversely, if the immune system is not challenged in early life, this is thought to raise the risk of an inappropriate response to subsequent infections, making the development of leukaemia more likely.

Wow, so those dreaded working moms, putting their kids in... gasp... daycare? Probably less likely to have kids who develop leukemia. Take that, Lurleneverse!

Who needs sex when you've got horses, or One Last Wish: Sixteen and Dying

2008-04-27T23:49:00.000-07:00

The lovely Meghan posted a request on the master list for One Last Wish: Sixteen and Dying (published 1992), so here we go! At first I thought "Yay, a OLW book I haven't yet read!" but at a certain point in the story I totes pulled a Celine as it all came back to me. Oh, man, was I still reading crappy Lurlene books in all seriousness in 1992? What a terrifying thought.

You guys want to know what this one's about? Well, I am happy to tell you!

You don't know me, but I know about you....

I can't make you live longer. I can't stop you from hurting. But I can give you one wish, as someone did for me.

It's hard for Anne Wingate and her father to accept the doctors' diagnosis: Anne is HIV positive. Seven years earlier, before blood screening was required, Anne received a transfusion to save her life, and the blood was tainted. Now Anne must deal with the inevitable progression of her condition. When an anonymous benefactor promises to grant a single wish with no strings attached, Anne decides to spend the summer on a ranch out west and live as normally as she possibly can. The summer seems even better than she dreamed, especially after she meets Morgan. But Anne hasn't confided in Morgan about her condition, and when her health begins to deteriorate, she suddenly leaves the ranch.

Is there time for Anne and Morgan to meet again?

This is kind of a weird book to write about, because HIV and AIDS diagnoses are SO DIFFERENT nowadays, you know? If a healthy New York girl with money tested positive for HIV these days, it'd be sad, obviously, but she wouldn't be looking at an automatic death sentence, just some life changes. Right? It's sort of like listening to Rent. Well, without the OH MY GOD WHY DID I EVER THINK BENNY WAS WRONG? feeling.

Anyways, I will try my best to keep all that in mind as I traverse the rocky shores of Sixteen and Dying. Especially warm thoughts about Benjamin Coffin the Third.

After looking at that, I hate to bring you guys down with bad graphic design, so just remember you can always scroll back up to feel better. I know that's what I'll be doing.

This is the newest cover:

You guys, is it just me, or is the position of that horse's head a little... dirty? Who the hell Photoshopped this, someone who just got fired from some horse fetish magazine? Also follow the guy's line of vision! OH MY GOD DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY. I mean, not that boobs are inherently dirty, I'm JUST SAYING.

My version has this cover:

Sorry, that is literally the largest picture I could find. It's not as great of a cover, I guess, though it isn't perverse, so there's THAT. The guy totally isn't as hot as he's supposed to be, but, whatever. He's dressed like a bunch of jackasses I went to high school with who apparently just couldn't get enough denim, whereas the other edition at least has the whole hot cowboy thing going on. Whatever, I can't believe I'm giving a fictional cowboy this much thought.

The particular copy I'm lucky enough to have (i.e. purchase for dirt cheap in a giant lot off of eBay) is hardcover, but not like with a slipcover or anything, nope, it's just printed on a hardcover. Also on the back there's this little seal that says ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS which, just, WHAT? I mean, we've been over this a million times, how I hate uber-gendered stuff for kids, like, shouldn't we be offering unlimited reading possibilities (keeping in mind maturity/reading level) and not starting them out with this idea that boys are allowed some things while girls should be reading about dead girls and horses and shit? ARGH. I mean, not that I didn't do a lot of reading about dying gentle heroines and horses and yet STILL turn out, well, me. I'm JUST SAYING.

Oh man, and I OPENED the book and the inner binding (listen, people, I used Wikipedia, I can't figure out the term) is printed with an ESPECIALLY FOR GIRLS pattern. I am not kidding!

So the book opens with Anne and her dad at a dude ranch in Montana. Hey, does anyone else automatically have the same thought process whenever you hear about a dude ranch?:

There's all that really crappy exposition, no, not the kind where it's all "REMEMBER WE ARE HERE FOR THIS REASON AND THAT REASON" but the kind where it's all "it is amazing we are able to be here because of THAT THING and we are very depressed because of THAT OTHER THING" and I guess it's supposed to build suspense, but really I'm all JUST FUCKING SAY WHAT'S GOING ON PEOPLE.

I mean, good books use that technique all the time, to differing results, but, you know, seriously, this is just annoying.

Anne's dad is a professor at NYU. Awesome! What a nice change of pace to give a dude that kind of job and not, you know, some sort of manly-man occupation. Anne's dad isn't thrilled about being here, for a couple reasons. One, he's a New Yorker, the kind who fucking hates nature and all of that. Anne's dad, I feel your pain! I myself am not a New Yorker, but whenever people suggest I get in touch with nature I'm all LISTEN I LIVE NEAR A PARK ISN'T THAT ENOUGH SOME OF US HAPPEN TO LIKE LIVING WITHIN CIVILIZATION ALL RIGHT YOU KNOW WHAT I FIND RELAXING IS KNOWING SOMEONE WILL DELIVER THAI FOOD TO ME NIGHT AND DAY. Ahem. I've got his back here.

I've got his back about the other thing too. See, Anne has HIV. The doctors urged her to begin AZT treatment IMMEDIATELY but because of potential side effects she took her OLW letter and check to get a summer at a ranch. I seriously can't believe her dad let her make this decision. I mean, this is where I can't tell if we're talking about a seriously stupid life plan or datedness. If you know you're gonna die soon, no matter what, you probably want to make that wish of a lifetime happen before you're too sick to enjoy it. OR DEAD. That said, I feel like had she started the AZT before it progressed to full-blown AIDS (sorry to be such a spoiler queen this time around, kids, this book is just structured strangely to recap normally) she could have lived a lot longer. Yeah? Are AZT side effects bad enough to pick death instead?

Time, once again, to turn to Wikipedia:

Common side effects of AZT include nausea, headache, changes in body fat, and discoloration of fingernails and toenails. More severe side effects include anemia and bone marrow suppression, which can be overcome using erythropoietin or darbepoetin treatments. These unwanted side effects might be caused by the sensitivity of the γ-DNA polymerase in the cell mitochondria. AZT has been shown to work additively or synergistically with many anti-HIV agents; however, acyclovir and ribavirin decrease the antiviral effect of AZT. Drugs that inhibit hepatic glucuronidation, such as indomethacin, acetylsalicylic acid (Aspirin) and trimethoprim, decrease the elimination rate and increase the toxicity. The side effects from AZT and its toxicity have been serious enough to warrant a black box warning from the FDA.

That black box warning part does sound pretty scary. That said, death sounds way worse.

When the book talks about the research Anne's dad did, they tell about this AMAZING COMPUTER LIBRARY he can access using "a modem, a special phone". Considering this book is from 1992, that's totally okay to write, but, ha! Remember those days, kids, back BEFORE WE ALL USED THE INTERNETS? What a sad, dark time.

While Anne's dad stresses out, Anne calms him by placing her hands on his chest. Kind of ewwww.

So Anne goes to check out the horses, and accidentally checks out the WILD HORSES instead of the TAME HORSES, and this dude Morgan totally reams her for being a STUPID TOURIST. Uh, Morgan, whether or not you hate tourists, since you work on a fucking tourist dude ranch, maybe you should try being a little nicer to them.

Then of course we get stuck with Morgan's POV. He hates Anne because obviously if she can afford the whole summer there she must be rich. I love that what we're supposed to take away from this isn't "wow, what a fucking awful way to judge someone" but "oh, no worries, Morgan, Anne isn't rich, she just got this bigass check BECAUSE SHE'S DYING!" What is with the Lurleneverse and the evilness of rich people? While, listen, I guess it's better than this current trend with, like, the Gossip Girl series and spinoffs where everyone's loaded and anyone lesser is seen as, like, morally-flawed, I'm not much into this outlook either.

The only thing that got to him about her was her large, expressive brown eyes, which appeared somehow sad. What could a rich girl from the East have to be sad about?

I liked that her location was thrown in there too. Man, those richies from NY, they are NEVER sad.

Anne's thinking about her sad predicament, how thanks to HIV even if she lived long enough, can't have kids, or even have sex. Then she says this beautiful line:

No sex didn't mean no love.

Meghan actually quoted this line to me to convince me to do this recap next. (Totes worked, obviously!) I mean, I agree? But I also think these books are really way too into sex being bad and eeeeevil. Plus lots of people with HIV enjoy full sex lives by practicing safe sex.

Anne runs into a girl who works there who's boohooing, named Marta Rodriguez. As you can tell from Marta's name, she likes to throw in Spanish words and she's from "the barrio" in L.A. Folks, I've never heard anyone around here refer to a part of town as the barrio, so I did a quick Google search to see if Lurlene was being racist. Right away I found out that Edward James Olmos grew up in the barrio here, so I guess I'll give Lurlene a pass here. Thank you, Edward James Olmos.

Anyway, Marta, who's known as Marti, is there because her parents made her. Her brother worked at the ranch two summers in a row and it saved him from his gang life. Okay then! Marti's boyfriend Peter Manterra is in a gang, so Marti's parents think she could stand to learn valuable dude ranch life lessons. Oh, fine. Marti says she misses her boyfriend like crazy but it is nice to be on the ranch because it's hot and mean in the barrio. East L.A. can get pretty brutal, so, again, FINE.

Marti also expositions that Morgan is the ranch owners' nephew, and that he's reckless.

Back in Morgan's brainskull, he thinks about Stacy Donner from SF who was a "rich debutante":

She'd toyed with him. He learned from the experience. Rich girls were fickle and not to be trusted.

Aw yeah, classism and sexism in one foul swoop. I hate you, Morgan.

So Morgan's trying to break in the wild horse Anne was checking out when she first got there. This is because Anne has an eye for horses! This makes Morgan think PERHAPS she's different than all the dumbass tourists. I hope I never have to work hard to impress someone like Morgan; the task seems frigging impossible. Have I mentioned? I HATE MORGAN.

One of the ranch workers named Skip has a thing for Marti and asks her on a picnic. Since her heart is with Peter Manterra, she asks Anne and Morgan to go along so it'll be less awkward. I never understand in books how making something a double date makes anything LESS awkward. Marti claims it'll be a real fiesta because this is TOTALLY how people who speak Spanish speak English.

Chapter Eight starts in maybe the creepiest ever, by the way:

Morgan began to watch Anne.

He stalks her to a church, and tells her about his Native American great-great-great grandmother, who converted to Christianity. I guess that means she's a good person then. Then Anne recites some Emily Dickenson to him. If you guys think this sounds hot, you need help.

So the kids finally have the picnic of awkward. Skip is, like, the most awkward person ever:

"I wasn't sure what everybody'd want to eat. I brought fried chicken, tortillas, burritos--do you like these things?" he asked.

DO YOU LIKE THESE THINGS? If someone ever asked me that I'd totally punch them in the face. Well, after making sure to get a burrito. Also, what are they doing with the tortillas? Did he just think, "well, I really wanna nail Marti, and she's from the barrio, so... I'll get some... tortillas? To impress her"? I hate it when people who don't understand food write about it. Also godDAMN am I hungry and would seriously like a burrito. If I didn't have work tomorrow, you guys, I would totally drive down to the taco stand. Also if I thought it was open at eleven on a Sunday night.

Marti gets all flirty with Skip, believe it or not:

"Everything Spanish is hot," Marti said with a flirtatious, sidelong glance toward Skip.

Um, Marti, actually, I think you're Mexican, not Spanish. To distract me from my head wanting to explode between Lurlene's cultural insensitivity and my deep longing for some Mexican eats, here's a little something the Spanish/Mexican snafu made me think of:

(While you guys were watching that, I totally just microwaved some enchiladas. Success!)

Anne and Morgan talk about their families. Anne's mother was British; she met Anne's dad when he was studying at Oxford. She died in an accident when Anne was little. (It was the same accident that required Anne to get a blood transfusion that ended up giving her HIV, by the way.) Morgan's dad is dead and his mom left. And he's not sayin' any more! Then Morgan tries to end the night early. Skip's all, dude, for serious? I'm totally screwing this girl who's either Spanish or Mexican! But Anne overhears Morgan say Anne's dad told him to leave Anne alone. Ruh roh! Anne's pissed. I would be too! I get where Anne's dad is coming from, but, geez, let your daughter make her own decisions. Or if you're that terrified about the possibilities of your daughter making ill-informed decisions about sex OR ANYTHING ELSE, maybe you should, I don't know, TALK TO HER. But I'm sorry, we're in the Lurleneverse. Like THAT would happen.

Anne confronts her dad (go Anne!) and he's all... weird:

"Anne, this type of attraction is a first for you. [How does he know that?] It's been a long time coming, but the time has arrived. [Hello, weird sentence, dude.] I've never seen you interested in a boy before, and it's... difficult for me."

. . .

"As your father," he said, "I've been both anticipating and dreading this day for years. The day when you'd meet a guy who saw you for the wonderful person you are. And wanted you in every way."

. . .

"I never wanted to think of you growing up and getting involved with any man... not even the one you marry and now...."

Um, fucking creepy, Anne's dad. I'm really glad I didn't go to NYU and therefore avoided you. And if that wasn't bad enough...:

First he lost her mother; now, he was losing her. Not in a normal way of giving her away in marriage. But to premature death.

Okay, "giving her away" in marriage is icky and gross, I'm sorry. If you actually think of your daughter as, like, your property to hand over to her husband, just, ugh. Also, considering that LOSING HER is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. Seriously, I started out liking you, Anne's dad, and now I feel my feelings have changed. You, sir, are creepy with a capital creep.

Morgan and Anne are hanging out when she cuts her hand and begins to bleed. Understandably, she freaks and flees the scene. He's all, TF? Luckily she's fine. Soon after she goes shopping in town and finds this amaaaaaazing saddle, which she buys for Morgan with some of her OLW money.

There's a town rodeo, where Morgan gets thrown off a horse and is injured. But he's okay. Yay? Anne goes back with him to his cabin, where he asks her to spend the night. Whoa! Obviously she says no and leaves, which hurts his feelings. Dude, I know you don't realize she has HIV, but even so, girls are allowed to NOT WANT TO FUCK YOU. Argh.

The saddle shows up the next day, which is bad timing because Morgan's all YOU RICH GIRLS THINK YOU CAN BUY YOUR WAY OUT OF HURTING MY FEELINGS which, just, no, Morgan, NO. Shutttt uppppp.

Things get worse. Of course. Morgan's wild horse hurts its leg, and Morgan has to shoot it. Oh man, I'd fall apart. I hate sad stuff with animals, so I vote NO to this part of the book. Dying kids, sure, but please don't shoot hurt animals! Sniff.

Anyways, on top of that, Anne is worse, and has to go back to NYC to start on AZT. Bad timing, T-cells. She lets Marti know she's sick (though she doesn't say how badly and due to what) and asks her to tell Morgan.

Back in NYC, Anne has full-blown AIDS and is quite ill. Poor Anne! They have a volunteer nurse who helps out a lot; she does so because her own son died of AIDS. I like you, volunteer nurse. You deserve to be somewhere nicer than the Lurleneverse.

Morgan shows up! OMG! Anne is kind of freaked about her shitty appearance, but he doesn't seem to mind. Finally she is upfront with him; also he is upfront with her. His dad isn't dead, but in a hospital in St. Louis (shoutout to my hometown represent!) dying from Huntington's Chorea. By the way, this was when I realized I'd already read this book. Huntington's is seriously THE WORST UGH. For those of you who don't know of it, Huntington's is a neurological disorder that first displays as jerky movements, but eventually renders a person pretty much unable to function and their brain totally gone to mush. Sad, sad, sad. It's always fatal.

Morgan hangs around NYC on a long-term basis, and he and Anne spend lots of time together. He asks her if she hadn't had HIV if she would have spent the night with him, and she says no, because she wants wearing white on her wedding dress to MEAN SOMETHING. Ugh! I hate all this virgin worship. I'd hate it a lot less if the focus wasn't so much on purity of young ladies alone. Guess guys are free to screw whatever whores they want! Also, seriously, no one looks good in white. It is NOT slimming. PRIORITIES!

Anne does research on her dad's computer about Huntington's, and learns there's a test. Aw, man, you guys, do you remember on Everwood where Hannah had to decide whether or not to take the test since her dad had Huntington's? Broke my goddamn heart, oh, Hannah! If only you were in this book and not frigging Morgan.

Anyways, Morgan says he knows of the test, and isn't interested in taking it. Even though Morgan is being sort of stupid about this, it is way more complicated than Anne's acting. Listen, I paid attention during Everwood! You have to go through all this psychological testing to prove you can handle getting the results if they're bad. I mean, finding out you're going to get a terrible fatal disease at some point in your life is not something you can just tell everyone. You know? Though I guess when you're sixteen and dying of AIDS, you're pretty much like JUST GET OVER IT YOU IDIOT.

So Anne dies, of course, and is buried in this Native American wedding dress Morgan had given her for Christmas. Uh, inappropriate? She left Morgan a check to cover the cost of testing. The thought's nice, Anne, but I have a very hard time believing Morgan's gonna even make it through the psychological portion of that process.

Money Can't Bring Back Your Dead Friend but it'll Make Your Life Way Better, or One Last Wish: a Time to Die

2008-04-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

The One Last Wish series came in second in the poll of what you guys wanted me to recap, and I was grateful for some time away from Dawn friggin' Rochelle. So off we go! By the way, whenever I hear "one last wish" I think of that song "One Last Kiss" from Bye Bye Birdie, which, really, subconscious? That's where you go?

I don't really think the series needs an introduction; the first few books didn't need to be read in any sort of order, and I'm pretty sure this was the first or one of the first anyways, so we'll be set. Let us, gentle readers, embark on a journey together, a journey to discover a Time to Die (published 1992).

What wonders await us?:

Sixteen-year-old Kara Fischer has cystic fibrosis and only months to live. But the close-knit bond she develops with Vince, who also has the disease, helps her come to terms with her own illness. Given one last wish, Kara wonders if miracles could really happen.

Wow, really, marketing team? That is all you could come up with? I see my work's cut out for me.

Amazon features some leafy new cover I've never seen before:

I guess the time to die is autumn!

Luckily a sweet reader sent their own image to Amazon of the cover I remember:

The weird thing about the One Last Wish books is, basically, going into them you know the person's going to die. There's no mystery there! It's a weird premise for YA books, yeah? Rows and rows of dying kids, whee! Oh, Lurlene, your ways do fascinate me.

(Then again, I probably spend as much time writing ABOUT these books as she does writing them, so maybe I'm the one whose ways should be examined.)

So Kara has cystic fibrosis, a disease we have not yet encountered in the Lurleneverse! There was some book I read a bunch growing up about a girl with CF, because I was totally that child who loved reading endlessly about kids with diseases, but if you weren't a devoted reader of afflictions, let me tell you what Wikipedia has to tell us about it:

Cystic fibrosis (also known as CF, mucoviscoidosis, or mucoviscidosis) is a hereditary disease that affects mainly the exocrine (mucus) glands of the lungs, liver, pancreas, and intestines, causing progressive disability due to multisystem failure.

Thick mucus production, as well as a less competent immune system, results in frequent lung infections. Diminished secretion of pancreatic enzymes is the main cause of poor growth, fatty diarrhea and deficiency in fat-soluble vitamins. Males can be infertile due to the condition congenital bilateral absence of the vas deferens. Often, symptoms of CF appear in infancy and childhood. Meconium ileus is a typical finding in newborn babies with CF.

Individuals with cystic fibrosis can be diagnosed prior to birth by genetic testing. Newborn screening tests are increasingly common and effective. The diagnosis of CF may be confirmed if high levels of salt are found during a sweat test, although some false positives may occur.

There is no cure for CF, and most individuals with cystic fibrosis die young: many in their 20s and 30s from lung failure. However, with the continuous introduction of many new treatments, the life expectancy of a person with CF is increasing to ages as high as 40 or 50. Lung transplantation is often necessary as CF worsens.

Cystic fibrosis is one of the most common life-shortening, childhood-onset inherited diseases. In the United States, 1 in 3900 children are born with CF.

That sounds craptastic, doesn't it? Sorry, Kara, if I didn't already feel bad for you knowing you're in a book within the ONE LAST WISH series, this would put me over the edge.

By the way, when I was thirteen, I totally wrote a book about a girl named Kara (or Cara), though she didn't have CF, but her boyfriend sort of RANDOMLY DIED. His name was Johnny because I was really into Cry-Baby at the time. Of all the crap books I wrote back then, I think it topped out as the worst, though - believe it or not - it was my ongoing project for G&T. I KNOW! Anyways, the name Kara never fails to remind me of that terrible, terrible story. Also Johnny Depp.

So Kara is just getting out of the hospital after recovering from an infection. She has a supercool therapist, Christy, who administers some of the painful treatments that have to be done several times a day to keep her lungs clear. I totally remember that from that other CF book!! I wonder what that book was. If any of you have any ideas, feel free to tell me.

Kara's got this dude friend named Vince, who's her age and goes to her school and also has CF. Vince is supposed to be really great, always being sweet to her and visiting her and blah blah blah, but I just think Vince is vaguely creepy. I mean, this could just be me; a lot of the so-called romantic stuff in books and rom-coms wigs me out, though I know I totes ate it up as a kid.

Kara's thinking about all the treatments and mucus, and says to herself CF was so gross which, seriously, is one of the most realistic reactions to one's disease within the Lurleneverse I've ever heard. Don't worry, guys, it won't stay realistic and hurt your brain TOO much. Promise.

Christy's brother's moving to town because he had trouble getting along with their parents. His name's Eric and he'll be going to the same high school as Kara, so she asks Kara to show him around. Kara wants to know how she'll recognize him, so Christy shows her a picture. Of course he's a total hottie. I'll be straight with you guys, this is totally the kind of situation the mind of young Ames dreamed of. Instant hottie boyfriend!

Of course Kara tracks Eric down. And does Eric like moving from Houston to Nashville?:

"I've only been here four days. I haven't seen too much of the city. There are more hills than in Texas, and it's a lot greener, too." His gaze skimmed over her body. "Girls here are pretty, and so far, I like what I see."

OH MY GOD SO SLEAZY!

So Eric offers to give Kara a ride home, and she asks:

"You have a horse, or a car?"

Kara, that is the worst flirting I've ever, ever heard.

So unfortunately we get some of Eric's POV. He is super into Kara:

She was such a beautiful girl--blond with large brown eyes that totally dominated her elfin face She was petite, like a little doll, even if she was a bit thin.

LIKE A LITTLE DOLL. GROSS GROSS GRRRROSSSSSSSS.

For the first time all afternoon, he wondered why Christy worked with Kara. The pretty blond girl looked perfectly fine to him. More than fine.

"I'm glad the two of you met. She liked you."

The information pleased him. "She's one sweet babe," Eric said candidly. "A very sweet babe."

Christy had started for the kitchen, but turned on him the moment the comment was out of his mouth. "You be nice to her, Eric. She's not one of your silly bimbos."

Taken aback, Eric stared. "What are you talking about? 'My bimbos'?"

"Mom and Dad told me you were running with some pretty wild kids back home. They said some of your girlfriends weren't exactly high-quality. Kara's not that type."

Okay, so now I hate Eric, Christy, AND their parents.

Christy explains to Eric that Kara has CF. He's a bit grossed out:

Already, Eric disliked the description. Who wanted to think about body fluids?

I thought teenage guys were alllll about body fluids actually!

So apparently Kara's mom used to be super overprotective, but a therapist helped her get all straightened out, and she even convinced her to take a full-time job, so Kara's mom is actually a big ad agency wiz! Wow! A working mom who did the right thing by BECOMING a working mom! I'm impressed, Lurlene. And Kara's mom! Go you!

Kara casually mentioned Eric. "Any brother of Christy's must be a fine young man. I'd like to meet him."

Kara couldn't think of anything she'd rather not have happen. Both her parents would probably sit Eric down and grill him like a cheese sandwich.

LIKE A CHEESE SANDWICH OMG METAPHOR INSANITY YOU GUYS!

So now that Eric knows about Kara's CF, he totes blows her off. Way to go, dumbass! I mean, okay, I guess if I was a teenager it might be sort of scary to find that out about a person you were interested in, but, man, Eric, way to be a jerk.

Luckily Vince is well enough to also be back at school, so at least Kara has him and her BFF Elyse to hang out with. There's some sort of Fall Festival thing the school does, where Vince is going to run the haunted house. He offers to let Kara help:

"The count must leave you now, my dear." He mimicked the accent of Hollywood's best vampires.

The phrase "Hollywood's best vampires" hurts my brain so much I have to stop thinking about it.

Eric notices Vince at school:

When [Vince] smiled, Eric saw white, straight teeth, and decided that some girls might think the guy good-looking.

Wow, Eric, what a bizarro way to phrase that. Listen, buddy, there's nothing wrong with one man noticing how good-looking another man is.

Kara, who's an artist, actually ends up doing face-painting at the Fall thing, and Eric finally approaches her, and he wants a dragon painted on his face, like it's some badass move. Dude, I don't care if you get the devil in a fistfight with Shaft painted on your face, it's fucking FACE-PAINTING and there's nothing badass about it. Hate to break it to you!

Of course Kara falls for it, though, and they end up dancing at the... dance portion of the evening. Eric questions what's going on between her and Vince, and she tries to explain they're just friends. Considering Vince is always hanging on her and telling her how hot she is, I don't exactly blame Eric for asking. That said, Eric, you've been hiding away and getting your fucking face painted, so I don't know why you're suddenly all deserving of answers.

Vince appears to take Kara home, which is a bit HEY JEALOUSY but he also knows Kara doesn't have the strength for a big night out, so he takes her home. Unfortunately, it's not just that she's tired, it's that an infection has flared up. Oh noes! Back in the hospital she goes. Man, CF is a friggin' pain.

While in the hospital, Kara gets a letter. THE letter, you guys. Since it's the first OLW book I'm covering, I will go ahead and type the whole damn thing:

Dear Kara,

You don't know me, but I know about you and because I do I want to give you a special gift. Accompanying this letter is a certified check, my gift to you with no strings attached to spend on anything you want. No one knows about this gift except you, and you are free to tell anyone you want.

Who I am isn't really important, only that you and I have much in common. Through no fault of our own we have endured pain and isolation and have spent many days in a hospital feeling lonely and scared. I hoped for a miracle, but most of all I hoped for someone to truly understand what I was going through.

I can't make you live longer. I can't stop you from hurting, but I can give you one wish as someone did for me. My wish helped me find purpose, faith, and courage.

Friendship reaches beyond time and the true miracle is in giving, not receiving. Use my gift to fulfill your wish.

Your forever friend,
JWC

Enclosed with the letter is a check for $100,000. Holy shit! You guys, how friggin' crazy would that be? CRAZY! I have no idea what I'd do if I ever got a letter like that. I mean, obviously unless I bend the wibbly-wobbly rules of time and space I will never be a dying teenager, but I'm just saying! It's so nutso and random!

Kara doesn't tell everyone in the world about the check, like I probably would. By then my Facebook status would totes read Ames is in possession of a check for $100k OMG YOU GUYS!

Eric sees Vince working out at the gym:

Eric could see how Vince's upper body was developing through the course of his workouts.

Man, Eric is so friggin' in love with Vince!

Vince actually confronts Eric about his never being around Kara since she went in the hospital, so Eric pushes himself to do so. Good boy, Eric. Of course you'd do anything Vince asked you to!

Kara gets to go home for Thanksgiving, with the order that she has to return to the hospital after the weekend. On Friday night Eric comes over, and they go out, where they smooch a little, which, well, fine, it's nice. At least Kara's getting in some kissing before the big death.

Vince comes by too, of course:

Vince came every day after school, sat by her bed and read to her, passages from the Bible, poetry, magazine articles, novels. If he came to an especially sexy passage, he'd stop and joke, "Now, turn your thumb down if you think your modesty can't take this."

I have to admit I seriously was all "SEXY PASSAGES IN THE BIBLE??" Man, I would have paid more attention during those seven grueling years of Catholic school, if only I'd known! Seriously, though, what the hell is Vince reading?!

So Kara goes back into the hospital and dies, big shocker. Eric can't bring himself to go to her funeral, of course, and of course Vince has to ream him for this when he runs into him visiting Kara's tombstone.

Oh, and I bet you're wanting to know about that last wish, right? Kara's parents invite over Christy, Eric, Elyse, and Vince. Kara has plans for all of them. Christy is to take her share of the money and start medical school. Eric is to get his beat up old car restored. Elyse should go on a shopping spree. Vince should buy a home gym (probably to shield him from the lustful eyes of Eric). Wow, was that anticlimactic for anyone else?

Then Eric and Vince decide to be friends. I bet Eric's gonna be using Vince's home gym, if you know what I mean.

RSS = Really Sucky Syndication?

2008-04-24T12:53:00.000-07:00

My lovable friends Kristy and Stacey have informed me that the RSS feed Stacey set up for LiveJournal is completely borked. Argh! It turns out my recaps are too long for the delicate nature of the feed.

I don't really know how to handle this; unfortunately Blogger doesn't offer a way to "cut" the entries at present, so it's either write less (all those who know me have got to be having a hearty chuckle over that) or move to another blogging provider, which I am seriously just not up to doing anytime soon.

So for now, I suggest if you read this blog via an RSS feed, check in occasionally here so, like Kristy, you don't miss a month's worth of entries.

Camp is just another word for impending death, or So Much to Live For

2008-04-20T23:40:00.000-07:00

Are you guys crazy? I put up a poll, offering you a way out of the boring-ass Dawn Rochelle series we're stuck in the midst of, and YOU VOTE FOR MORE DAWN ROCHELLE? All right, I like to give the people what the people want, so here we are, you fools, in for another snorefest, with So Much to Live For (1991). Man, even the titles get more and more boring!

I want you guys to know I'm camped out in a coffeeshop working on this (among other things), which means I have this volume of the first four Dawn Rochelle books OUT IN PUBLIC. Which means I'm probably going to run into an old coworker or the future love of my life or whatever. All for the sake of this blog, people. I hope you see that this is the extent of my devotion: INFINITY.

Do you want to know what it's about? Oh, fine!:

Dawn Rochelle is fifteen, and the leukemia she's been fighting for the past two years is in remission again, after a successful bone marrow transplant from her brother. This summer Dawn has agreed to work as a camp counselor for younger kids with cancer. It's the same camp that she attended with her best friend, Sandy, just before Sandy died. Dawn knows that the kids need her, but being at the camp brings back painful memories. Since Dawn has so much to live for now, wouldn't it be better to just forget about everything connected with cancer?

Man, don't turn your back on cancer, Dawn Rochelle! It's sort of the only thing that's interesting about you.

Walk with me, if you will, through cover history:

Not to SPOIL YOU GUYS or anything, but Dawn Rochelle's the one takin' care this time, not the sick kid in bed with a teddy bear. As you can see, Dawn Rochelle has still yet to discover the joys of conditioner.

Commenter chaos_butterfly thinks the cover model for these editions of the Dawn Rochelle books is Amber Valleto:

Chaos_butterfly, I think you're right! Aw, Amber, you're cute. Remember when teen actors had actual, you know, body fat and stuff? I miss those days.

Here's the next edition:

Is it just me, or does Dawn Rochelle's right shoulder just fade right off into the distance? Was that a side effect of the cancer, or the chemo? THE HELL?

Lastly we arrive at this:

I guess this one's classy too. Man, why does Dawn Rochelle warrant such classy-ass design? Dawn Rochelle, both as a character and a book franchise, sort of reminds me of those boring-ass girls you meet who for some reason land, like, a hot and talented and nice guy and a killer job and all these amazing friends, and yet you have never glimpsed much of a personality within her. Sorry, D.R., I'm just calling it like I see it.

So the book opens all heavy exposition with Rob taking our not-so-intrepid heroine Dawn Rochelle to cancer camp, except this time she's a counselor! Well, a counselor in TRAINING. Also Dawn Rochelle is now fifteen, and she's still in remission! WOO HOO! Wonder how long THAT'll last. Two more books, Dawn Rochelle, two more books.

Oh, also Rob is dating Dawn Rochelle's old nurse Katie. Whatever, she can't be worse than Darcy, whose problems all stemmed from her amassed wealth. I hope Katie likes sexist jackholes! At least she isn't rich, though, so we know SHE's okay.

Rob's all stupid, not knowing why Dawn Rochelle's stressed, and she says it's because she never knows who'll be back at camp. Rob is so fucking dense, all WELL SOMETIMES PEOPLE MOVE OR DON'T WANT TO GO TO CAMP AGAIN and poor Dawn Rochelle has to actually GO THERE and be all THIS IS A CANCER CAMP DUMBASS. How I wish that was an actual quote. At least the fuckwit has the sense to apologize.

Oh also, apparently now Dawn Rochelle's hair has grown past her shoulders. Seriously IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE? You guys who see me on a regular basis know how much friggin' time it's taken for my hair to grow past my shoulders, and, seriously, I did NOT start off bald! I don't know why I've gotten something in my craw over this one fucking detail, but it makes me insane!

By the way, I know I haven't mentioned this yet, but since it's now happened IN EACH BOOK I should also mention that the camp reenacts something with "indians" where kids dress up in Native American garb, and I know this book was published in the early 1990s, and as far as I know my high school's mascot is STILL the Indians so I guess expecting this brand of cultural sensitivity is just too much.

Dawn Rochelle notices a hot blond guy who's all FAMILIAR, and it turns out he's her dead best friend Sandy's brother! His name's Brent! Brent and Dawn Rochelle discuss the sadness and tragedy that is Sandy's untimely death, and Dawn Rochelle also mentions her concerns her leukemia could come back. Brent isn't worried, and uses this opportunity for a line:

"Well, you sure look healthy right now."

!!! Dude, Brent, now THAT is a line.

So Dawn Rochelle gets her cabin all ready for her campers, and goes off to find them. She collects them all except for a girl named Marlee, so they head back to the cabin. When they get there, Dawn Rochelle's bed's all demolished with her crap thrown everywhere, while a partially-bald girl lies in the bed all YEAH I TOOK YOUR SPOT. Of course this is Marlee, and she's TROUBLE. Also SHE HAS A GLASS EYE!! This is because cancer got her old eye. Ew, creepy. I used to be this huge hypochondriac actually, and whenever my vision would be sort of weird I'd be convinced I had cancer of the eyeball (or a brain tumor). Turned out I just needed glasses, thank you eye doctor! Way better outcome for me. Oh, sorry, this isn't about me, it's about Marlee. Marlee's a beotch! Also she's sort of ugly. You guys ever notice that in bad Y.A. from yesteryear, being ugly (or fat) is about the only thing worse than being rich? I guess nowadays you can substitute "poor" for "rich" but otherwise reach the same conclusion.

Oh, also, you guys, Marlee's last name is HODGES. When I read that I was laughing aloud and making jokes to myself like "with a name like Hodges it has to be Hodgkin's lymphoma" which, I know, bad joke, but OH MY GOD MARLEE TOTALLY HAS NON-HODGKIN'S LYMPHOMA. SHE HAS THE DISEASE OF HER LAST NAME! Do you think Lurlene even realized that? Also it sort of reminds me that my dad used to make jokes about getting donation money from the charity organizations for the disease that shared his initials, and then he got diagnosed with it years later! He was all I WAS TOTALLY ASKING FOR THAT WASN'T I!

Other Marlee details: her parents are dead, and she lives with her elderly sickly grandma in Columbus, Ohio, which is coincidentally the same place Dawn Rochelle lives. Of course it is. Anyways, the head of camp, Dr. Ben, tells Dawn Rochelle to be extra understanding to Marlee, with the dead parents and the cancer and all. I'll take his side on the dead parents, but don't all these kids have cancer? Whatever, it's a shit deal, and I think a lot of NORMAL kids would rightfully be pretty pissed about it; not everyone is full of virtue and acceptance like the Lurleneverse's heroines.

So Dawn is trying to be nice to Marlee, but Marlee's totally a wench, and the other campers are over her already:

"Forget it," Paige said. "She tripped me when we were coming down the trail."

Dawn stared at the one-armed girl. "Are you sure? Maybe it was an accident."

Step #1 in being sensitive to your cancer camp campers: thinking of them in terms such as "the one-armed girl". Way to go, Dawn Rochelle! Also "the one-armed girl" totally makes me think of, like, a teen remake of the Fugitive. While that's a terrible idea, it's probably not a worse one than this book! OH SNAP.

So the camp session goes on, with Marlee being heinous, and Brent bein' all flirrrrty, and, seriously, I used to LOVE books about camp. Like one of my favorite Babysitters Club super specials was totally number two where they went away to summer camp and were counselors in training JUST LIKE DAWN ROCHELLE (or, the case of Mallory and Jessi, JUNIOR counselors in training because there was nothing in the world Mallory and Jessi couldn't figure out a way to junior themselves into, like, if Mallory and Jessi ever got to tour Washington, DC, you guys, we'd be looking at two junior presidents). I went to sleepaway camp three times when I was really little, three summers in a row, and then when I got older I logged in countless hours at gifted camp. So if I find a camp book boring, I'm just saying, you've got to know how much I must mean that.

Dawn Rochelle and Brent go to the camp's Fifties dance together, which, hey! Why don't we ever have Fifties dances? I have a pretty fantastic dress OR FIVE for a Fifties dance. Anyways, Dawn Rochelle and Brent ALMOST kiss, but they get interrupted by the campers. Ruh roh! Wacky camp hijinks! I WISH.

Dawn Rochelle and the other campers teach Marlee to put on makeup and cute clothes, which makes her slightly nicer, which... ARGH! As much as I love a good makeover scene, this one is just a little tough for me to swallow. It's, like, couldn't Marlee become a more trusting person due to forces beyond mascara and whatever the kids were wearing back in 1991? (Consulting my eighth and ninth grade memories, I am guessing there was some tightrolling involved.)

So the girls all go home... AT THE END OF THE WEEK. What? Seriously? One friggin' week? From the way these books are written, I figured camp was at least a month-long affair. I mean, I know when you're a kid and you're off at camp planning pranks and crushing on boys and taking crappy short showers, a week is a bizarrely long time, but the books just seem kind of confused on the length of time. Whatever, it's not like I wanted them to be there any longer. I am confused why at the beginning of the book Dawn Rochelle was all I COULD SKIP CAMP AND JUST WORK AT MY FRIEND RHONDA'S DAD'S ICE CREAM PARLOR when, uh, didn't it just delay it A WEEK? WTF! Also she gets to work there when she gets home anyways! So what did it friggin' matter, D.R.?

Oh, and right before they part ways, Dawn Rochelle and Brent FINALLY get their kiss:

His arms slipped around her waist, and her arms entwined around his neck. Dawn felt herself rise onto her toes and her chin lift. [That is a terribly constructed sentence.] They stood on the porch wrapped in the sound of summer rain, his kiss resting like soft petals on her lips.

Oh, man, you guys, so Dawn Rochelle and Rhonda are hanging out once Dawn Rochelle's home, and THIS happens:

Dawn squealed and threw a pillow at her friend. Together, laughing and tickling, they tumbled to the floor like playful kittens.

PLAYFUL KITTENS OH MY GOD! This is the gayest scene EVER.

Also, if you guys have seen Shortbus, there's this amazing scene involving a remote control vibrator, and all the settings were made up specifically for the movie, and one, I SWEAR, was "playful kitten".

But Dawn Rochelle's ice cream fun and sexual orientation experimentation doesn't last long: Marlee's in the hospital and she needs Dawn Rochelle! Even though it's tough for her, Dawn Rochelle braves the cancer ward to see Marlee and be around for her.

So Marlee's all YAY EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A TUMOR I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SURGERY OR CHEMO, ONLY RADIATION, ALSO I HAVE MY OWN MORPHINE PUMP like, dude, Marlee, clearly YOU ARE GOING TO DIE but Marlee's grandmother doesn't want her to know. ARGH.

Dawn Rochelle quits her ice cream job to spend as much time as she can with Marlee. Rhonda isn't happy about that:

"Well, I think it's weird and creepy to hang around someone who's dying."

That's big of you, Rhonda, really big. Shut uppppp. Oh, no, actually Rhonda is just reminded of Dawn Rochelle's own precarious health, and it makes her sad to think about the possibility of losing Dawn Rochelle. Aw, Rhonda, that's sweet, and totally the sort of misplaced passive-aggression I myself have employed. I'm back on your side, just as long as I don't have to wrestle you like a playful kitten.

Marlee slips into a coma and dies. Dawn Rochelle is sad, but knows at least she can go on with life, and knows to appreciate it. LIFE IS A GIFT! she tells herself.

AND THAT IS THE BOOK. Seriously, you guys, that was the whole fucking plot. How is that even possible? Picture all the unpublished writers you know, slaving over their manuscripts, crying tears of frustration as they slap their words into cohesive plots. And know that those delightful writers waste away in poverty while Lurlene somehow passes these D.R. tomes off as COMPLETE BOOKS.

Two more books to go, Dawn Rochelle, sadly we're not done with each other yet. You playful kitten, you.

Thanks, subconscious.

2008-04-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I actually had a dream I was in a bookstore and there was an impromptu Lurlene autograph session/new book release. The book was in this fancy display box and cost me way too much of my [hypothetical dream] money. Also it was for adults or something? All the other people in line were like old business dudes. If that's ever Lurlene's core audience I will look around for flying pigs. Also Lurlene wasn't friendly, so I guess she had an inkling I was the one behind this blog?

Man, you guys, I was happy to wake up, because it sort of made me sad she wasn't nice to me in a kooky aunt sort of way. I hope none of the rest of you have had the Lurleneverse invade your unconscious.

I want a plot, or I Want to Live

2008-04-11T00:26:00.000-07:00

Today we arrive at the sequel to Six Months to Live, I Want to Live (published 1987). While this title isn't one that's gonna grab you and hold on, at least it's NOT A LIE.

You know, normally with companion novels, EVEN LURLENE'S, I'm sort of anxious to find out what's up with our trusty gang. Honestly, this time? I'm really not. How did Dawn Rochelle get five freaking books? She is the most boring protag we've met so far.

So what's book two about? Hold onto your wigs and keys, folks, you won't be shocked at all!:

Dawn Rochelle has just turned fourteen, and her cancer has been in remission for almost a year.

This summer, as she helps prepare for her brother's wedding and goes to camp, her life seems almost normal again.

But when Dawn returns home from camp, she's suddenly tired all the time. Her latest test results show that the worst has happened: Her leukemia is no longer in remission. Dawn must receive a bone marrow transplant from her brother. Even with the transplant, she only has a fifty-percent chance of survival. Will Dawn live to celebrate her fifteenth birthday?

Considering we've got three more books to go, I bet she will!

Shall we take a stroll through cover history?

I'm with snappleaddict, who in the comments wished she could have just handed Dawn Rochelle a bottle of conditioner. Geez, Dawn Rochelle, take care of your hair and it'll take care of you. I mean, oops, besides all that chemo stuff. Also, really, your hair grew out this much yet? That seems unlikely.

Next up we got this one, and I'm sorry that this was literally the largest photo I could find:

This Dawn Rochelle looks pretty cute; I think it's actually the same girl as on the first version of this printing. Hurrah for consistency!

Also, seriously, this book has gotten more reprintings than any Lurlene's written. I'm guessing because it was where her leukemia legacy began that it became this HUGE THING but it's weird looking back now. I mean, as riddled with creepiness as it is, give me Too Young to Die any day. But I guess this book being about a younger girl makes it hotter with the young ones? I seriously have no idea.

Boring, but uber tasteful! I guess that's... something.

And lastly:

Weirdly enough, take out the teddy bear, and I'm all "aw, where's the teddy bear?" And, again with the LURLENE McDANIEL PRESENTS A VERY SPECIAL DAWN ROCHELLE BOOK. Um, or something.

This book also has an amazing opening:

The one thing that Dawn Rochelle remembered most about her fourteenth birthday was that she was still alive.

Dawn Rochelle writes in her diary because:

She'd learned about keeping a diary from Sandy. She often felt that if she died, the diary was something special and personal her parents could keep.

WAIT WHAT? That's the weirdest reason EVER to keep a diary. I mean, I can see writing down things if one had battled a terminal illness, but, really, the crap about wanting to kiss boys and such? That's just weird, Dawn Rochelle.

Dawn Rochelle's sort-of friend Rhonda comes over and gives her a birthday gift, but clearly it's just to scope out Dawn Rochelle's hottie brother Rob Rochelle. At least Rhonda is sort of nice. I guess. They commiserate about not having any interested boys:

"I'm too young for all the neat guys," Rhonda complained.

Dawn understood Rhonda's complaint. "Tell me about it. Who's interested in a fourteen-year-old with..." she stopped, feeling her cheeks burn. "...with no curves and bumps [BUMPS??] in the right places." [WHAT ARE THE RIGHT PLACES FOR BUMPS?] With cancer, her brain said.

I know she means boobs but WTF!!! "Bumps" just make me think of tumors. Thanks, Dawn Rochelle. I think you just have cancer on the brain. This, of course, is different than cancer OF the brain.

Rob DOES come home, though, and is mighty creepy:

"You're turning into a very pretty young lady."

She blushed and pushed away from him. "Oh, come on."

"You doubt the word of a man who's personally surveyed hundreds of girls?"

WTF "personally surveyed"??? I hope he's served hundreds of restraining orders!

Rob takes Dawn to her clinic check-up, because he wants to be a part of that side of her life. I guess that's pretty nice, for a surveyor. A few days later, Rob's ladyfriend Darcy Collins comes over, and she's all perfectly-looking and rich, so of course we should all worry right away. I think Jory Delaney is the only nice rich person who's lived in the Lurleneverse. Oh! There's Neil! Okay. That's TWO.

Darcy studies journalism, and wants to work on-camera. Rob thinks that's a great idea:

"Don't you think she'd make a great sportscaster? All the men would tune in just to watch her read the scores."

Darcy punched Rob [yay!] playfully [boo!]. "I'd like to think they'd tune in because of my ability, not my looks."

"With your looks, who needs ability?"

OH MY GOD SHUT UP ROB ROCHELLE! I'm sentencing you to get your ass kicked by a bunch of tough-ass feminists.

So of course Rob and Darcy are getting married, because that's what twenty year olds do! Dawn Rochelle's reaction makes me worry about the effects of chemo on her brain:

"That means I'll be an aunt."

Dawn Rochelle's parents are worried that Rob won't be able to support Darcy, but he assures them with his PART-TIME JOB at a menswear store they'll be fine. WHAT! When I was in college I worked a full-time job and STILL had to live with my parents, how on earth can someone support themselves and a spouse ENTIRELY off of a freaking PART-TIME income? And retail at that! What the hell kind of tips is Rob picking up?

So Darcy asks Dawn Rochelle to be in the wedding, but Dawn Rochelle doesn't feel like Darcy actually wants her in it, since she's all cancerous and whatever. I feel sort of bad for Dawn Rochelle, but Darcy's not doing anything wrong except existing in perfection. Sadly, I've hated people for less.

It's the last day of school! Okay! I can't keep track of time in these books! Dawn Rochelle runs into hottie crush Jake Macka, who is unfortunately moving to Cincinnati. Jake's all happy her hair's growing long again. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE? I've been growing my hair out for, like, a year now, and it's just STARTING to be long, and I started with, ya know, a short bob, NOT BALDNESS. Creepily enough, looks like Jake's a future hair-fucker:

Jake's voice dropped, and she had to lean forward to catch his next words. "I sometimes wanted to touch it to see if it was as soft as it looked."

Dawn thought her heart would hammer through her chest. Her mouth went dry. "You can touch it now. I mean, since you're moving and all, and I'll never see you again. I don't mind if you touch it."

Jake's hand rose and he caught the ends of her hair in the tips of his fingers. ["IN" the tips of his fingers?? HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK? EW.] "I was right. It is soft."

Girls of Cincinnati: be warned!

Dawn Rochelle heads off to cancer camp. Rock and roll! She runs into Mike, the one who'd been all into Sandy the year before. Greg, the one who'd been AS YOU MIGHT REMEMBER both BEAU AND BROTHER to Dawn Rochelle, got a swimming scholarship to UCLA and is already in training. D.R. and Mike totes have fun, though this is no love connection. I am always so happy in YA books when it's not all LOVE THIS LOVE THAT so, um, good going, Lurlene?

When Dawn Rochelle gets home from camp, she's not feeling great. Oh noes! She's totes in denial, but a doctor hands over the bad news: NO MORE REMISSION. Agh! Poor Dawn Rochelle! She needs to have a bone marrow transplant, and luckily Rob is a suitable donor. Dawn Rochelle isn't sure she wants to go through all of it, so she thinks it over, finally declaring the titular I WANT TO LIVE! Remember, Dawn, you've got three more books, I bet you will!

Darcy's being a major wench, all WILL YOUR OPERATION AFFECT THE WEDDING? which, uh, PRIORITIES, Darcy! I hate you! It's a good thing you're engaged to a total jackhole; what a match made in Lurleneverse Heaven.

Dawn Rochelle gets better and worse, lather, rinse, repeat. Rob is totes frustrated!:

"I hate it! First, hope. Then, no hope. Then, hope again. And now...."

Man, don't you guys see what Darcy sees in him? He's soooo eloquent.

Actually, Rob confides in Dawn Rochelle's nurse that HE AND DARCY TOTALLY BROKE UP. Whoa! I mean, I would have said I saw it coming because Darcy's such a wench, but considering all his sexist joking, I figured it was meant to be. I guess only RICH awful people get punished in the Lurleneverse.

Rob goes back in to talk to Dawn Rochelle, who is sort of fading in and out AND SHE TOTALLY FLATLINES. We're in Rob's POV now and he's totally flashing back to all his SIGNIFICANT DAWN ROCHELLE MOMENTS. Luckily, they're able to bring Dawn Rochelle back, whew. Wouldn't it have sucked if the next three books were from Rob's POV? She's all WHERE WAS I WHERE DID YOU BRING ME BACK FROM and they're all DEATH which, um, okay, sort of! Hello, people, I've watched plenty of medical dramas in my day, flatlining isn't THAT big of a deal anymore. Whatever, I know this is an eighties book; things were definitely different then. For one thing, we hadn't logged hours of House MD!

And... that's it! That was literally THE ENTIRE PLOT. If you feel a bit ripped off, you are not alone, my friend. And this is as good a time as any to ponder why Lurlene's heroines almost always leave remission. All I hear about childhood leukemia is that the survival rate over five years is something like eighty-five percent, right? Sorry, why am I trying to introduce reality? I just never, ever learn!

Seriously, how did Dawn Rochelle, OF ALL PROTAGS, score FIVE FRIGGIN' BOOKS? Let's hope her next tome has one of those things I like to call a plot.

Site Business

2008-04-04T15:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks to one of my very favorite sites, the Dairi Burger, for linking here, and welcome to all the new readers. Seriously, to get through the Lurleneverse, it's good for all of us to hold one another and make our way together!

And in good news for me, bad news for you guys, I did receive a job offer, which means I will have a bit less time than during this beautiful month of March where it was always okay staying up into the wee hours of the night blogging my way through book after offensive book. But no worries, I'm dedicated! I will get you guys through the entire Lurleneverse IF IT KILLS ME*.

*Not really. But I'm gonna keep blogging!

Sex is the worst thing you can do, just beyond showing your stomach, or Prey

2008-04-01T12:15:00.000-07:00

Ever since I heard about Prey (published 2008), Lurlene's newest book, I have been dying/terrified to read it. The other day I met up with my book biz friend Kristy, who presented me with a copy, an act I'm assuming was the first time Kristy saw anyone accept such a gift with so much gleeful enthusiasm. Thanks again, Kristy!

I have so much to say here, so let's just jump right into the synopsis so you guys know why I was so ready/not prepared in the least:

A teacher is supposed to impart a love of learning and a thirst for knowledge. It’s a bit different with Ms. Lori Settles. All the kids are talking about how hot she is–and she is especially interested in Ryan Piccoli. When she starts giving Ryan extra attention, he’s feeling more than happy–at first. He’s used to being the class clown, but really he’s a loner. One day after school, the friendship with Lori Settles goes farther than he ever expected. She’s his teacher. She’s at least twice his age. Intimacy with a teacher is wrong, yet it feels so good in every way. Soon, Lori is making demands and Ryan begins to feel overwhelmed, but Ryan refuses to even admit anything is going on. Something immoral is going on and before too long the choices made will change lives forever.

Um YEAH. This isn't a joke; this is totally what this book is about, you guys. YOU GUYS.

Would you like to see the cover? Oh, please, I know you would. Let's do it!

I was looking over this cover with my friend Mallory who's a graphic designer, and she's all "IS THIS A SCI-FI BOOK WHERE SOMEONE GETS EATEN?" which, seriously, between the title and that creepy red silhoette, I'm not surprised Mallory came to this conclusion. We were also incredibly blown away by the typeface chosen for the title; it's a child's handwriting. A CHILD'S HANDWRITING OMG. It's not like the kid is six! He's fifteen going on sixteen. Way to make this even MORE inappropriate and gross, graphic designers. Mallory and I are ashamed of you.

So, seriously, I have no idea why this is a direction Lurlene decided to move in. Do you? Does this have anything at all to do with kids with cancer? I'm not saying once you pick an interest as a writer that you can't branch outside, but Lurlene's been writing about dying kids for over twenty years now, with little seeming desire to talk about anything else (except maybe a dying boyfriend or parent or sibling, yeah?), so this is weird.

One interesting thing I really thought about a decent amount while reading the (surprisingly tolerable) Briana's Gift was that had I not known Lurlene's history, I might have enjoyed it even more. Hey, I'm not saying it was fantastic or out to win any awards, but it didn't offend me as most of her books have, I thought the characters made believable choices, and its prose was decent. And I wondered if Lurlene was becoming a stronger writer, or had gotten a new editor, or perhaps was just feeling pressure by this wave of really popular Y.A. writers who are churning out damn fine books (you can check the sidebar for links to some of their sites, if you are curious).

So if I was forced to guess, I would gander that ol' Lurlene is feeling a bit threatened by the direction the Y.A. world seems to be heading in, and wanted to feel relevant too. I don't necessarily think that's a good idea; it makes me think of a bunch of recent McDonald's ad campaigns. Listen, you can try to tell us you're all about health now with a bunch of salad options and apples in Happy Meals or whatever, but why are you even trying to sell yourself that way? People run to McDonald's when they're in a rush or are broke or just are really friggin' craving one of the crappiest hamburgers known to man (no judgment, if I'm out and about before 10:30 a.m. I have no ability to keep my car from veering into a drivethrough and forcing me to order a McGriddle).

Lurlene, don't feel threatened! The kids who read you really love those dead kids; the audience who's getting caught up with kids who deal with adult stuff like sex and relationships and the terribly difficult task of finding young adulthood, whatever that means, has likely already left you behind.

This all said, Lurlene has an intro to Prey letting us gentle readers known her intentions. Or something:

A Note from the Author: Part 1

Many of you who are familiar with my book will know that Prey is not my typical book. In fact, as it's turned out, it isn't even the book I intended to write about the subject of a female teacher involved with a male high school student. [I assume the original had a bunch of cancer too.] The book I planned was different from this one [Didn't you just say that?], but once I got into the research and actual writing of Prey, the story took on a life of its own. I hope it makes you come to conclusions, as I did. [No worries, there, Lurlene, I certainly came to conclusions.]

This is a novel I felt compelled to write and one that supports my philosophy; no one gets to choose what life gives to him or her; one can only choose how one responds to these happenings. [Um WHAT? Deciding to fuck your teacher/student is not exactly like catching the leukemia. I mean, I get what she's getting at, the whole MY LIFE SUCKS SO NOW I WILL MAKE BAD DECISIONS, but, oh man, Lurlene, this is sort of crazy shit already. Also, is it legal to use TWO semi-colons in ONE sentence? Also all this talk about "my philosophy" has totes put "Hakuna Matata" in my head. Imagine if THAT was Lurlene's philosophy, you guys! What the heck would she write about then?] This book is a study of characters who make bad choices [what a terrific idea for a book for young adults!] choices that will follow them, even haunt them [spooky!], for the rest of their lives. [Oooh, is this gonna be one of them LESSON BOOKS?]

She goes on a bit about male students/female teachers and the fact that there are ALL THESE CASES, which, okay, let me say something IN SUPPORT OF LURLENE. (Don't faint from shock, guys.) So the other week I was home on a Friday night (because I live the glamorous life) watching 20/20 (because apparently I am also eighty), and John Stossel did this whole special about the age of sexual consent. Basically the entire special was really offensive, as it relied a lot on gender stereotypes and the assumption girls can't ever really consent to sex (story after story about sixteen-year-olds needing to be protected from their boyfriends, etc.), but there was a whole section on this very topic of female teachers having affairs with their male students. It was pretty irresponsible reporting; basically at the end of it, Stossel sort of shrugged like, "there are no real damages due to this, it's not like when girls have sex with older men, maybe it's fine!" and never once delved into the gender/power issues present in our society, and why girls who have sex with older men might have a lot of emotional issues later and why boys who do the same don't (even though Stossel was upfront about these boys gettin' lots of "atta boy!" from not just their families/acquaintances but society too). Like, way to report on a sexual double-standard without ever mentioning there's a sexual double-standard!

That was a really long-winded and tangential way to tell you guys I'm happy at least the almost-always-misogynistic Lurlene recognizes that it's no more okay for a female teacher to seduce a student than a male one to do the same. Thank you, Lurlene, for that. Abuse of power is abuse of power, period, even if society grins at one and is disgusted by another.

Wow, you guys, that got really serious. You know what we need to get back to our happy place?

That's right:

All righty. The book opens from Ryan's POV. (By the way, considering Lurlene was all "I WISH I'D WRITTEN MY SISTER'S KEEPER", I bet that's where she stole the idea of ten zillion POVs (three, okay, to be fair). Jodi Picoult, you should totes sue; it was definitely your idea first to not worry about conveying how other characters were feeling and just let every single one TELL US.) Ryan is cocky with a capital cock:

"Hey, watch where you're going, turd." [You guys, if you think "turd" is Lurlene's attempt to be, like, potty-mouthed and edgy, you are so right. But just wait. This is just the tip of the turdberg.]

I've bumped into a senior, a joke, and he's snarling [Seriously, snarling? Is he, like, part wildcat or something?] at me. I bow slightly and get out of his way. He'd stopped without warning in the middle of the hall. I say, "Sorry, my bad. I didn't see the traffic light over your head giving you the right of way." [Wow, that's like the worst OH SNAP! moment ever.] His pretty girlfriend looks me over, giggles. [I love that Ryan thinks the giggling is related to the comment; I like to think the giggling is related to what a turd he is. Sorry, guys, now I want to keep saying "turd". It doesn't help that my roommates were literally just watching this episode of South Park which totes included a whole turd song.]

The guy puffs up. "Take off, creep."

He turns and I take a chance and wink at his girlfriend. She's pretty, but off-limits.

She blows me a kiss when her boyfriend isn't looking and I watch them take off down the crowded hallway. Wait for it, I think, and am rewarded when she glances over her shoulder to make sure I'm still watching. Gotcha! ["Gotcha"? Wha-what?]

So basically I already hate Ryan because he's played for serious and not for laughs. In another book written by a more skilled author, a guy who talks like this and claims to have worked out all summer on top of working on his tan, and who lives the life of luxury because his dad's in sales and he gets the place allllllllll to himself allllllllllll the time, well, please! I'd love this guy! But he's FOR SERIOUS. Stupid turd.

What does Ryan think about his amazing life with his amazingly on-the-road dad?:

"I got the new Grand Slam Poker game on Saturday."

Joel's eyes light up. "I'm in."

"It's tricky."

"Bring it on. You're lucky your dad gets you stuff like that. I have to save every cent and buy stuff I want myself." [Oh BOO HOO Joel.]

Lucky? I think. It's a bribe, Joel, my man. Dad buys me stuff because he sheds guilt over leaving me alone so much like a shaggy dog sheds hair.

WHAT WHAT WHAT A SHAGGY DOG HAIR GUILT METAPHOR OH MY GOD WHAT.

Oh man, I hate this book so much already. Where's a good cancer symptom when you need one? Only one thing can help me now:

Whew, better.

Ryan's first class is World History, which would totes suck except it's taught by Ms. Settles. Why is Ms. Settles so awesome?:

Ms. Settles is gorgeous. Straight jet-black hair to her shoulders, skin the color of cream and big blue eyes so clear you could swim in them. Her body is as sexy as any movie star's, with curves and boobs and a sweaterdress that shows off her assets.

That is a weird description. First of all, aren't "boobs" part of "curves"? Also, is a sweaterdress part of your body? Also, let's be fair, a lot of movie stars these days aren't exactly resplendent in the boobs/curves department.

I totes picture Ms. Settles as Bernie Dexter:

Sorry, Bernie, that's totes not fair to you. I'm just saying, if I were casting the TOTALLY HYPOTHETICAL PEOPLE IN HOLLYWOOD DON'T GET ANY IDEAS film version of this, I'd totes ask for a Bernie Dexter type.

Of course Ms. Settles isn't just hot, she makes them all laugh and enjoy history! Also, she's wearing stilettos. For some reason, this is a big friggin' deal. I haven't been in high school for, uh, awhile, but are teachers never in high high heels? I get that I'm in a different line of work, but I wear ridiculously-high heels all the time and no one bats an eyelash. That said, I'm not around teenage boys, but, uh, don't teenagers get turned on by, like, everything? Whatever. Ms. Settles wears stilettos, therefore she is a sexual predator.

The next chapter is from the POV of Ryan's BFF... Honey. No, I'm not kidding. Her name is Honey. WTF! She hates her name, blames it on her scriptwriters of the eighties, because apparently she is named after a character in "some police drama on TV". You guys, I just spent a long, long time on Wikipedia trying to figure this one out, and I've no idea. The closest I came was some show from the 1960s called Honey West. If Lurlene is referring to something REAL, let me know. I would probably judge Honey's parents more harshly if I hadn't, more than once, thought it would be cool to name my future hypothetical daughter Murphy.

Honey's totes in love with Ryan, but she's tall and horsey so of course he doesn't share these feelings. Honey also totes hates Ms. Settles:

Then I add, "I think she looks like a hooker." It's mean, but teachers should wear cute baggy sweaters and not flaunt their bodies.

Shut up, Honey, I hate you already.

Now we get Lori Settles's POV. If you liked Ryan's description of her, you'll loooove her description of him:

Then one speaks out. A wise-guy answer that makes the room laugh. He's beautiful. Dark hair, blue eyes, dimples--not yet a man, yet more than a child. [Who else is singing this song? Yeah, just me then? All right.] Yes, I know that too in an instant. It's a gift, being able to see inside them. I stare at him and the room seems to recede. A halo of light encircles him and suddenly, I know... he'll be the One.

Holy fuck that's terrifying!

So Ryan's dad's home, for the moment, and we learn he sells hospital equipment! HA! Of course he does. He probably runs into dying kids all the time. Whatever. Ryan's dad is a terrible father; who has a fifteen-year-old he thinks he can just LEAVE COMPLETELY ALONE for days and weeks at a time?

Ryan's all "MY DAD DOESN'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE LIKE ALL THE TIME I SPEND LOOKING AT AND THINKING ABOUT LORI SETTLES" and says something so gross I want to share it with you guys:

Sometimes when I see her unexpectedly, like in the halls or in the lunchroom, my heart races and the crotch of my pants gets tight.

Ew ew ew! I don't want any erection talk in the Lurleneverse! I didn't even know there WERE erections in the Lurleneverse. I thought babies came from magic, god, and angels. And, seriously, if you want to say he's got a hard-on, say it! This weird phrasing just made me imagine the crotch of pants magically shrinking.

Man, after that, you guys, let's go to our happy place:

Also, Ryan starts doing that expositiony vague hinty thing about how he doesn't have a mother, how she's gone, how she left them, and how he knows all this psychological bullshit about how obviously he needs a mother figure in his life. Man, I hate Ryan so much. It's like Lurlene watched one episode of the O.C. and thinks she's got this self-aware snarky teen thing down.

So Ms. Settles makes her move: she asks Ryan if he and some of his friends can help her move some furniture. Yeah, I think Ryan knows a way to get some furniture moving, if you know what I mean. Ryan's down with that, of course, but shows up to her place sans friends. Believe it or not, this isn't because he doesn't have any! I expected the sexing to start with this visit, but it doesn't. She just asks him if he "like[s] cappuccino". Then she makes him a cappuccino. Man, now I'm jealous of her wardrobe AND her cappuccino machine.

Back to Lori's POV. She senses that Ryan's starved for approval, so she wonders "especially" about his mother. Just another lady hatin' on ladies! I love that clearly we're supposed to be "aw poor Ryan, his mother left him!" when, uh, shouldn't we also be blaming his craptastic dad?

So Ryan's all crazed, and Joel tells him he needs to get laid, that there's only so much a dude can do for himself in the shower. OH MY GOD! Here's yet another topic I wasn't really prepared for the Lurleneverse to bring up! Man, this book reeks of trying way too hard. I think it's time for another happy moment, don't you?:

So Lori asks Ryan on what's basically a date, to "another part of town" where they go to a coffee shop. I hope it's not the one I write some of these recaps from! Lori, of course, orders a drink called the Italian Stallion! They have all sorts of typical first-date talk, I mean, if you're a teacher on your first date with your student. Lori's perfume, again, makes Ryan's jeans grow tighter in the crotch. JUST SAY IT. Also, I hate the word "crotch". Not unrelated, I also hate the word "crouch". It's just too close to "crotch".

So Ryan and Lori keep, um, dating, which is rough on Ryan:

I've taken so many cold showers that my skin's started to wrinkle and my balls have shriveled.

OH MY GOD JUST STOP IT LURLENE. Do you fucking get that you can be, you know, edgy and relevant and honest in dealing with sexuality without just being lewd? Oh, man, I can't believe I said "lewd". That's what this book has driven me to.

It's definitely time for some of MY philosophy:

Ryan's friends are starting to get pissed that he's never around anymore and is all SECRETIVE. You guys, seriously, be relieved! Who'd want to hang around Ryan besides an emotionally-fucked up teacher? Even his dad stays the hell outta town!

Of course, it FINALLY happens:

"Oh, my dear, precious Ryan." She leans forward, lifts my face and kisses me lightly on the mouth.

I take her shoulders and kiss her back. Hard, I kiss her, and long. [Are we still talking about the kiss?] Her tongue slides between my teeth, igniting a fever I can't control. Outside, the rain drums on the glass, giving a rhythm to some primitive force in me that I don't want to control.

Her hand slips onto my crotch, cups the bulge pushing against my jeans and makes me groan. She rubs me and I think I'm going to burst. "Do you like that?" she asks.

[OH MY GOD I AM SO UNCOMFORTABLE YOU GUYS. I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD READ ABOUT SEX IN THE LURLENEVERSE.]

"Yes." I kiss her again, driving my tongue into her wet, hot mouth.

It just gets worse from there, you guys. Afterwards Lori's all "oh, was that okay?" and of course it was, and he's all I'M GLAD YOU'RE MY FIRST and she's all I'M GLAD I WAS YOUR FIRST and, man, it's so terrible. SO TERRIBLE. This book is so gross. Who knew Lurlene could turn me into a prude?

Honey and her lady friends are out shopping, and decide to try on stilettos, to see if they can walk in them like Ms. Settles does. Man, what is with this stilettos fascination? It's like these kids have never seen a four-inch heel before. Anyways, Honey's all, "boldly", asking for a size ten, and explains that basketball makes a girl's feet bigger. WTF! Anyways, that's my size too, and I have never played basketball in my life, and I never feel the need to make excuses when I want sexy shoes.

Speaking of the shoes, the school has a talk with Lori about her attire. They want her to dress in ACCEPTABLE attire. I'm not sure where I stand here. I have a feeling we're supposed to think Lori always looks totes inappropriate, and I do know from my friends who teach that it's best not to draw attention to yourself in any way if you want kids to pay attention to the lesson and not you, but this just reeks of women needing to cover themselves up. I mean, not that I'm defending Lori, she's clearly doing this just to make the boys want her. I just wish it was presented a bit more that way, and not "GOOD WOMEN COVER THEMSELVES UP".

Ryan and Lori are on the phone, and he actually tells her he has a hard-on just hearing her voice! I'm so proud that for once it wasn't just jeans-crotch shrinkage. Still, now I have to digest this, and again, I go to a happy, happy place:

Better now. Phew.

Ryan gets Lori a Celtic love knot necklace for Christmas, and Honey's snooping around in his room and sees it. OH NOES! Lori goes crazy and buys Ryan a bunch of designer clothes, an iPod, just a ton of shit. Hey, teacher friends of mine, you should go be teachers in the Lurleneverse, where it's apparently an amazingly-paid profession! Ryan's dad sees the gifts and is all "WTF" but Ryan just says his friends gave him this stuff. Ryan's dad jumps on the fact that Ryan says Honey gave him a bunch of it, and he's all "so do you like her?" and when Ryan says no, he's all "Well, you do like girls, right?" and Ryan's all pissed that he thinks he's gay, and also that he acts like everything's cool if he IS gay because his dad's a homophobic jerk. Wait, in the Lurleneverse it's bad to be homophobic? I guess there can be something good here after all! What a freaking shock!

Lori starts getting "cold and possessive" but of course Ryan's still under her spell. They have A LOT of sex. This book is pretty smutty. If I'd read this in junior high it totes would have gotten passed around for the juicy bits, I mean, before we discovered V.C. Andrews. Also at gifted camp we passed around those Earth's Children books. But, yeah, Prey would have gotten some mileage for sure. Seriously, what was Lurlene thinking? I can't believe her usual fanbase would be all "OH YAY FOR THE SEXING". In fact, I noticed on Amazon that, whereas as most of her books have ten gajillion glowing reviews, Prey only has one.

So of course Ryan's not hanging out with his friends much, and his grades are slipping. He lies to Lori and says his dad's around more, just so he can get his grades up and spend just enough time with his friends for them to hopefully stop being suspicious. Ryan's at Honey's, and she gets all embarrassed because she sees HIS STOMACH, which, um, Honey is the biggest prude I have ever met. It's amazing to hate someone in this book who isn't Ryan or Lori, but I hate Honey and Ryan's dad so much. What a cast of heinous people, for such varied reasons.

Anyways, Ryan and Honey are wrestling (right?) and Ryan kisses Honey. She gets that it doesn't mean anything, but it still pisses her off that he ignores her afterwards. Uh, Honey, that's how lots of people handle making embarrassing choices like that kiss. And after you were all OMG YOUR STOMACH I doubt he thinks he can talk to you maturely. Anyway, Honey confronts Ryan, so he doesn't know what else to do but ask her to the school dance. WTF! Bad idea, Ryan. Though I guess this is the kind of jackassery "I'll make you forget what an asshole I am" move a guy like Ryan would likely make. Plus it's not like he could take his actual girlfriend!

Speaking of our happy couple, they take a day trip to Savannah where they can be open about their relationship. In case you guys think Savannah is some mecca to teacher/student relationships, it's just that no one knows them there. Lori spends tons of money on Italian suits for Ryan, which, again, how does she afford them, and what the fuck does a kid need with a bunch of Italian suits? Does he join the mob in the sequel?

At the dance everyone's having a good time until Honey notices that chaperon Lori is wearing that Celtic love knot necklace she saw in Ryan's room. OH NOES! Also Lori is a crazy psycho jealous type so she doesn't like Ryan there with the "big, horsey girl". Horsey is only a few letters off from Honey, I'm just saying! Anyway, in all of Lori's crazy rambling, she exposits that her father molested her and her mother never did anything to stop it. OH SO IS THAT WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP WITH MEN YOUR OWN AGE LORI? Ugh. I'm not saying that abuse doesn't lead to abuse, but this is totally painted like once that kind of shit happens, you're doomed. I know several abuse victims within my life who didn't start screwing students.

So Honey goes back to Ryan's room to snoop some more, hoping against hope that necklace is still there, but of course it's not. So she hacks into his computer, finds all the emails between him and Lori, and copies them all to disc. HONEY! This is sort of nuts, but, than again, none of my guy friends from high school AS FAR AS I KNOW YOU GUYS were sleeping with any of our teachers. So I can't say what I'd do.

Soon they have a substitute teacher in Lori's class, and Ryan gets called out by the principal. Whoa! Detectives are waiting for him! They have his emails! They tell him that he isn't in trouble, but that Lori is a sexual predator, and this isn't the first time she's struck.

Ryan's all BOO HOO I THOUGHT I WAS SPECIAL AND HER FIRST, which, dude, you're the one who was going on and on about the amazing sex and how she knew things no high schooler did. Did you think that was just what happens when one waits until age thirty-three to do it for the first time? Yes, I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, that's totes the work of a pent-up virgin-no-more. Shut up, Ryan.

Ryan goes to Lori and CONFRONTS HER about the other guys, and she's all "BUT YOU WERE SO SPECIAL AND DIFFERENT" which, just, SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU.

Of course the police show up, but Lori freaks out and STABS HERSELF WITH A KNIFE!!!! Of course Ryan's all "DON'T DO THIS TO ME NOT THE WAY MY MOTHER DID IT" so, yeah, Ryan's mom killed herself. And that's why Ryan fucked his teacher. Good to know, guys.

Actually, Lori is fine, though. I mean, not dying from her self-inflicted stab wound. There's nothing "fine" otherwise about Lori except that she's hot.

Ryan's dad is PISSED, and I am actually thrilled and relieved. I honestly expected him to be all "atta boy, she was HOT" and he's not like that at all. First good parenting I've seen from you yet, Ryan's dad. Way to show up at the end and win me over.

In all the fallout, it becomes apparent that it wasn't exactly a secret Lori had done this before, the parents had just kept it quiet to spare their kid media embarrassment. Um, wouldn't this have come out then when Lori was transferring to a new school? Way to cover all the research, Lurlene.

Ryan realizes Honey's the only one who could have found those emails, so he goes over to confront her. She's all EW SEX and he's all, "what if it was with a girl my age, would that have been cool?" and our lovely anti-sex Honey says that he shouldn't be having any sex at all. WTF is with Honey? If there's anyone who CLEARLY has something fucked-up in her past, it's her.

The last chapter, from Ryan's POV, is three years later. By now he's slept with giant gobs of high school girls, and admits Lori wasn't his first either. WTF! So he thinks it was cool he wasn't a virgin at fifteen when he met her, but it was that SHE WASN'T AT THIRTY-THREE. I hate you, Ryan. I have a feeling you should read Jessica Valenti's new book when it comes out.

Ryan's waiting for Lori because she's gettin' out of jail! WOO HOO! And then it ends. I guess they're gonna live happily ever after. Clearly we're supposed to see how fucked up Ryan is, and how messed up this whole situation is, but, um, I still don't get the point to this book.

"Don't worry!" you tell me. "There's another note from the author! She'll explain EVERYTHING!"

Oh, okay then!

A Note from the Author: Part 2

Now you know Ryan and Lori's story. It is fiction, but there are many real relationships like it. The more research I did, the more cases I discovered.

Years can pass before the psychological damage surfaces in a young man's life. One primary long-term effect is the inability of such men to establish lasting relationships with women of a more appropriate age. These men are hesitant to commit, and many suffer from serious depression.

The female teachers who engage in such seductions often have serious emotional problems of their own--histories of physical and sexual abuse, and bipolar or other psychological disorders that contribute to their dysfunctional behaviour.

Having studied this growing problem, I have concluded that nothing can justify this kind of relationship. These relationships cause legal, psychological and emotional harm to both parties, as well as to their families and their communities. [Was there some possibility up until this, Lurlene, that it was OKAY to fuck your teacher?]

. . .

I hope this novel will make you, my readers, think, and help you understand that today you make choices that you will have to live with forever.

WHAT? WHAT? Like, okay, yeah, first of all, while of course Ryan had a say in this, he was clearly targeted and abused, at least emotionally, by Lori, so I hate this whole "KIDS IF YOU DO SOMETHING BAD NOW YOU'LL BE SCREWED UP FOREVER" screed of hers. That coupled with Honey's whole sex-is-terrible attitude, I have a feeling that's actually what Lurlene is getting at. No matter how hot it is, sex will ruin your whole life, so don't have it!

I mean, I think that's the lesson. I love how in the synopsis Honey's grouped in with them, when the only thing she has to live with is Ryan no longer speaking to her because she turned him and Lori in. That seems like something manageable v. a life-long sexual/relationship problem! Plus who would even WANT to talk to Ryan anymore. He might do something unseemly like show you his stomach!

People, I am at a loss for words. If the lesson is how fucked-up you'll be if you engage in this sort of behaviour, why was the sex so hot (uh, to them, not me), and why did they end up together after all? Because that's like real life? I have no idea what that means, as far as these life-long consequences.

So instead I'll leave you with this:

I'm sorry, 2089, or Six Months to Live

2008-03-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

ETA: Thanks to a comment from Courtney, I did a little digging and found out this book was actually published in 1985, not 1995, which must have been the date of one of the reissues. It is bizarrely difficult tracking down publication dates to these books, believe it or not!

Six Months to Live (published 1985) is the first book in the Dawn Rochelle series, which of course is near and dear to my heart as it's the namesake of my roommate Dawn Rochelle! For some reason, I was convinced the Dawn Rochelle series was going to be SUPER AWESOME AND FANTASTICAL. Like, let's be real here; if I didn't still have some sick, twisted desire to read about sick kids and the minutiae of their treatments, I wouldn't be writing this blog. Also, bear in mind, Six Months to Live was voted into a time capsule to be opened in year 2089! Only a quality work of literature could achieve such an honor, right?

Will my wish be granted? Will the Dawn Rochelle series be all I dreamed of? Let's find out!

Lurlene's publishers/marketing department have this to say:

When 13-year-old Dawn Rochelle is diagnosed with leukemia, she's scared. While in the hospital undergoing chemotherapy, Dawn meets Sandy, who also has cancer. Dawn and Sandy battle the disease together, and remain best friends even after they both go into remission and return home. But when Sandy gets sick again, Dawn wonders what the future holds both for Sandy and herself.

Sure then!

ETA: In my search for the original publication date, I ran across the ACTUAL original cover, which is pretty fantastic:

If that girl's thirteen, so am I.

Here's one older cover:

Dawn Rochelle's cute! So is her teddy bear! She seems troubled, probably due to her leukemia, so I'll give her a break there.

The cover's been updated a million times. There's this:

Classier, for sure! Not sure this girl passes for thirteen as much as our first dear Dawn Rochelle though.

There's also this one:

You guys, look, now it's LURLENE McDANIEL'S SIX MONTHS TO LIVE. Totes like Oprah Winfrey's Thisever or Tyler Perry's Thatever. Really, Lurlene has risen to the ranks of Oprah freaking Winfrey, and Tyler freaking Perry? I'm not entirely sure, Lurlene, I'm not sure at all.

My copy of this book is actually in a compiled volume of the first four Dawn Rochelle books. I guess that's a spoiler that Dawn Rochelle stays alive for awhile! GO DAWN ROCHELLE! Anyways:

So basically it's the first cover with some Photoshopping. I have no idea, honestly, who that dude is, or why his chest upwards has materialized near our dear Dawn Rochelle. Maybe that tree will become significant? Also I have absolutely NO CLUE what that thing at the bottom is. Was someone building a fence and got confused? What does THAT have to do with leukemia? Or months? Or teddy bears? TELL ME PLEASE.

So, believe it or not, this is how the book opens:

When Dawn Rochelle was thirteen years old, they [they who?] told her she had cancer. She sat in her doctor's office, clutching the hand of her mother, who sat clutching the hand of her father, and stared at the familiar face of Dr. Galland with disbelief.

That is QUITE an opener!

Dr. Galland says this is the most common form of cancer among kids (I looked it up, he's right!), and Dawn Rochelle thinks:

A kid! That's what I am, Dawn thought. [All kids totes talk like this too.] She was a kid, just two months over her thirteenth birthday... a seventh grader... cheerleader for Adams Junior High... daughter of Pete and Meggie Rochelle [oh, wait, Rochelle is her last name? Whatever, I'm still calling her Dawn Rochelle]... kid sister of eighteen-year-old Rob Rochelle [firstly, Rob Rochelle is a freaking amazing name, and secondly, this is some smooth exposition!]... super fan of Michael Jackson [before you guys get all WELL THIS BOOK IS FROM THE PAST remember that it was published in nineteen-fucking-ninety-five and there is NO EXCUSE for a thirteen-year-old to be a SUPER FAN of Michael Jackson OH MY GOD LURLENE NO EXCUSE ETA: okay, clearly, this book was published in 1985, so I can't mock Dawn Rochelle for her super fandom. It's still a weird way to define oneself, yeah?]... collector of teddy bears... a resident of Columbus, Ohio... and now, a victim of cancer.

There is absolutely nothing about that paragraph that isn't amazing. NOTHING.

Dawn Rochelle's parents are all WTF SECOND OPINION PLEASE which, okay, I totally get denial, and I get being just fucking knocked on your ass by scary medical news regarding a family member, I've been there, but soooo many parents in the Lurleneverse just flat-out don't believe doctors, even when their kids are covered with bruises or have unexplained broken bones, or are so tired it's tough getting up at 4 a.m. Seriously, I really believe if I brought my hypothetical kid in with those symptoms and got the diagnosis, I'd hate it, but I'd buy it. Right? What about you guys? Am I just too fully immersed in the Lurleneverse?

Dawn Rochelle and her parents go home to pack for her stay in the hospital. Man, that's gotta be depressing! Dawn Rochelle reflects on telling everyone:

Rob... Dawn pictured her brother. He was so big and broad across his shoulders.

Uh, so I've seen a picture of Lurlene and her brother:

Were they, like, on a date here? Does she think that's normal? Is this why she always writes girls lusting over their brothers? Listen, I have a brother, and I don't sit around and think about his shoulders EVER. This is SO NOT OKAY LURLENE. We really need to have a talk.

When Dawn Rochelle gets to the hospital, you guys are NOT going to believe this, her parents are all, "so what would happen if we just took Dawn Rochelle home instead?" and the oncologist, Dr. Sinclair, is all UM THE FUCK YOU TERRIBLE PARENTS SHE WOULD DIE!!!! Do you guys want to know more about Dr. Sinclair? Too bad:

Dr. Sinclair hated leukemia. Like a person hates evil, he hated the disease.

Um. That's weird. Right? If your arch-enemy is A DISEASE, that's kind of creepy. Even if you're a doctor.

So Dawn Rochelle settles in at the hospital and meets her nurse, Fredia. Fredia, really? Fredia tells Dawn Rochelle she's gonna LOVE her roommate, Sandy! Okay, Fredia, I will take you at your word! I always trust a Fredia!

Of course the staff is taking lots of blood from Dawn Rochelle so further tests can be run, but Dawn Rochelle isn't lovin' that!:

Vampires! she thought. The place seemed full of vampires.

Yes, Dawn Rochelle, after they draw out your blood WITH A NEEDLE they take it elsewhere and DRINK IT. Or maybe it's that whole leukemia thing they told you about? I dunno, the vampire explanation seems waaaaaaay more likely.

Sandy's from West Virginia, so she calls her dad Pa. Apparently Lurlene doesn't understand the difference between West Virginia and the past. Pa was so upset when the testing/treatment of Sandy hurt her so much that he nearly took her out of the hospital! Man, parents are so frickin' dumb in the Lurleneverse. I mean, it would totes suck to see your kid hurting, but GEEZ.

So a psychiatrist comes by to teach Dawn Rochelle imaging techniques, but at first she is not hip to that!:

A shrink! Dawn thought. I'm not crazy. I don't need a head doctor!

Maybe it's just all my hours logged with trusted mental health professionals, but if I'd just gotten diagnosed with a potentially-fatal illness and a psychiatrist wandered in, I think I'd grasp the notion that they just might be there to help me deal with that. Oh, Dawn Rochelle!

Since Dawn Rochelle is totes into teddy bears, she imagines an army of them fighting off the cancer cells. I approve of this imaging technique, Dawn Rochelle! Sounds cute.

Some of Dawn Rochelle's cheerleader friends come to visit. They are totes realistic, of course:

"Gee... cancer.... What a rotten deal!"

Gee, you think?

After the cheerleaders go, Sandy and Dawn Rochelle bond over the fact that people from their "old life" no longer really understand them. It's interesting, in some of Lurlene's books, friends stick by and totally help the patient deal, and in some, they're totes isolated. Generally, this has to do with whoever Lurlene wants us to root for to help our protag learn something important. Or something. I'm sure a lot of times kids' friends can't deal with someone they know having cancer. Man, that'd suck! Poor Dawn Rochelle. Anyways, the girls get to talkin' 'bout boys, as girls often do:

"He... he kissed me once," Sandy added in a soft whisper. "It was real sweet, like he really meant it."

LIKE HE REALLY MEANT IT! What does that MEAN? Sandy, if I were there, I'd make you give me more details.

Sandy's parents come to visit, and of course they are written with painstaking cultural sensitivity. I hope you guys aren't from West Virginia!:

"How's my darlin'?" Mr. Chandler's voice boomed from the doorway of their hospital room. Sandy squealed with delight and flung her arms open to him.

"Sandy's told me about you," he told Dawn, who openly stared at him. [Nice, D.R., nice.] "My, my, you're hardly bigger than a June bug," he said, his accent causing her to smile shyly.

He eyed both of the girls critically. "They feedin' you girls proper? Neither of you look like you've had a decent meal in a month of Sundays."

. . .

His lips pressed together. Dawn got the feeling that under his cheerful words [How cheerful was that shit about a month of Sundays?] and broad smile, Mr. Chandler was very angry about Sandy being sick.

So here's the thing. I've noticed in the majority of the Lurleneverse, men get ANGRY about their kids' illnesses. Like, I'm not saying fathers don't. But mothers do too. And fathers cry and fall into denial, just like mothers. Except in the Lurleneverse! Fathers just get angry and do things like SHAKE WITH ANGER, and girls have to lie to their fathers and brothers about how much stuff hurts so they don't tear apart medical professionals. Ugh. I hate all sexism, but especially when it comes from ladies. Knock it off, ladies!

To get herself through the side effects of her chemo, Dawn Rochelle keeps telling herself, "the drugs are my friends!" Oh noes, will chemo be a gateway drug to, like, heroin? Be careful, Dawn Rochelle!!

You guys, seriously, I just cannot get over this prose:

How cruel it was to go bald at thirteen! How awful it was to be sick all the time from the effects of the chemotheraphy! How terrible it was to be tired and depressed, have sores in your mouth, bruises all over your body and to be so thin you could count your own ribs!

Sandy achieves remission (go Sandy!) so Dawn Rochelle's all alone and without her new BFF. Sadness! Isn't leukemia shitty enough? Luckily, it doesn't take much longer for Dawn Rochelle to achieve remission as well! Hmmm, does it synch up like your and your roommate's periods?

"I'm really going home!" To herself, she added, "Ready or not, World, here I come!"

Please tell me A) if there are any kids who really say shit like this, and B) why the hell world is capitalized!

Dawn Rochelle and Sandy go off to cancer camp together, woo hoo! The camp puts on a little show about the history of the land and lake, where "Indians" row across in a canoe. Um, Lurlene, didn't you get the memo? Native Americans. Say it with me. Thanks.

Of course there are hot boys at the camp; it wouldn't be camp without 'em!

Dawn kept noticing the way the two boys kept looking at her and Sandy. It made her feel feminine and exciting.

Feminine AND exciting, you guys.

The boys are named Mike and Greg. Greg is totes into Dawn Rochelle, while Mike is into Sandy. It's always good when that works out. Mike had bone cancer, so he is missing a leg, and he's all embarrassed about swimmin'! Luckily Sandy sets him straight. Aw, man, seriously, Mike, if you don't feel comfortable swimming with one leg at a cancer camp, you're going to need a lot of therapy! Poor Mike.

According to Dawn Rochelle:

Greg Buchannan became friend, beau, and big brother to Dawn. Mike became the same to Sandy.

WHAT IS WITH THIS BROTHER/BOYFRIEND CROSSOVER RELATIONSHIP? I am seriously so uncomfortable. I have never, ever dated a dude I would have ALSO considered an older brother. GROSS. Seriously, does Lurlene think this is normal? I'm all wigged out.

Dawn Rochelle goes home from camp, and even starts school in the fall! Go D.R.! Of course it's weird and awkward, and then because life doesn't suck enough as it is, she gets a letter from Sandy letting her know she's had a relapse. Aw, poor Sandy! Of course her daddy is a mess, and wants to take her to some clinic in Mexico. Another letter arrives soon, letting Dawn Rochelle know Sandy indeed IS in Mexico. Want to hear about her Mexican doctor? Who's got their money on him not being a cliche?:

My doctor is Dr. Sanchez. He's a nice little man with a mustache. His accent is soft and cute. [Cute??] I think his clinic is real nice, too. It's light and airy with red tiles and murals all over the place. There's a real nice garden with fountains, cactus and strange looking trees.

Do you guys think Sandy's dad actually took her to Mexico or Chevy's FreshMex?

Before long, Dawn Rochelle gets a telegram from Sandy's parents. Sandy died! Stop. I guess Mexico and West Virginia don't have phones! Stop.

Then the cute boy is nice to Dawn Rochelle at school, and life is somewhat better. I'd laugh, but when you're in junior high, attention from a cute boy can lift your spirits really high. Oh, hell, what am I talking about? It'd still lift my spirits damn high!

So that's the book. Yeah! That's it! You want to know the best thing about this whole book? AT NO TIME DOES ANYONE TELL DAWN ROCHELLE SHE HAS SIX MONTHS TO LIVE! Why is it the title?

Also, from that interview I just posted about:

BP: One of your books, Six Months to Live, has been placed in a time capsule at the Library of Congress, to be opened in the year 2089. How did that come about?
LM: That book got put in the time capsule because it was nominated by children from all over the country. Pizza Hut sponsors a reading program: Reading is Funda-mental. This particular year, they invited children to nominate their favorite books and write an essay why. They were going to take the top letter from each state and put it in the time capsule. They notified me that Six Months had been the most nominated book in the competition. It had won in three states. The grand prize letter was from South Carolina.
BP: Why that title versus any of your others?
LM: I've often wondered what is behind the phenomenon of this book as opposed to other books. It's one of the first serious books they run across after they've exceeded the Babysitter's Club. They're walking through the book fair and see Six Months to Live. It's a great title, you gotta admit. They just are mesmerized that a 13-year-old girl who is normal, just like them, could get leukemia.

I'd hate on the title a lot less IF IT WERE EVEN TRUE.

There are four more books in the Dawn Rochelle series, so we all know what that means! RELAPSES AHOY!

An old Lurlene interview

2008-03-26T15:20:00.000-07:00

I ran across this interview with Lurlene from 2000 which is sort of illuminating. Like, I know I am super eager for more evidence that Sean is the favored son, so it made me kind of giddy that she mentions Eric by saying "Sean had a brother"! Oh, Sean, your diabetes made you so, so, so special!

Also interesting:

BP: Do you have a teenager that you use as a sounding board?
LM: Oh, I wish. Sean had a brother, Eric, who's a youth pastor in Alabama. I can be around kids if I need to be.

Then be around them MORE, Lurlene. I mean, okay, I know there are lots of people who write Y.A. lit who don't exactly spend their entire lives with teens, but I think it's especially important the further you get out of that age bracket to really prioritize that. I know the amazing Judy Blume won't write Y.A. anymore because she doesn't think she has anything left to say to teens. While that saddens me, knowing how many lives she touches with her Y.A. catalog, I really respect her for knowing that. Understand teens and be relevant to them, or stick with another genre. It's just essential.

Also:

BP: Do you write with an audience or gender in mind?
LM: I have always been amazed guys read these books and seem to enjoy them. Because I've raised boys, I like to think I can get inside a guy's mind. I try and make the boys talk like guys, sound like guys and react like guys. [Characters] say, "Well, you know, she's got cystic fibrosis, and that grosses me out." You've got to be realistic.

"Realistic", seriously? I mean, I will not deny the popularity of these books, but the dialogue is so crazily inaccurate; I genuinely don't know any kids who talk like they do in the Lurleneverse. Even when she nails the emotions, she rarely nails anything further.

BP: A poll taken by Book magazine lists both female and male teens' favorite authors. Your name was fourth for females and fifth for males. This must be immensely gratifying.
LM: That blew me away. I am very privileged and honored when someone chooses to read a book, especially a book of mine.

Listen, I am the last person to rattle on about gender differences, but even taking the position that most have to do with societal constructs, it sort of shocks me that dudes would list Lurlene as a favorite author. Right?

She talks a bit about Six Months to Live, but that's the next book I'm recapping, so I'll save my comments on that for the forthcoming recap.

Lurlene goes off on a tangent about teen suicide:

BP: Great. You know, many consider your works inspirational.
LM: Well, thank you. That's the goal I go for. You know not every book has to have a happy ending, but it has to have a satisfying ending. I like to tell young people -- you know one in four children die by their own hands -- no matter how bad things seem, just wait a day, wait a week. Life will turn around. I have known some magnificent young people who died very young but had wonderful lives and inspired many people by their short existence.

Do you guys think the one in four statistic is accurate? I know that, sadly, lots of kids DO kill themselves, but one in four? I only have one distant relative who did, and given that I've known hundreds of kids over my lifetime, I either have a statistically abnormally happy group of acquaintances, or Lurlene's full of crap.

(That said, her advice is pretty good.)

Interesting that Lurlene battled breast cancer; she's lucky she doesn't live in her own universe, because she is still alive today! That never, ever would have happened if she wrote a book about herself!

An angels trilogy conclusion does not actually require any angels, or Until Angels Close My Eyes

2008-03-24T01:49:00.000-07:00

We arrive at last to the not-thrilling conclusion to the Amish/angels trilogy, Until Angels Close My Eyes (published 1999). I've got a feeling SOMEONE's goin' down this time. I certainly didn't suspect it with the last installment, most especially not Rebekah, well, okay, not until she talked about a visit from the way-too-literal angel, but this time I feel it in my bones. Let's hope that's not a symptom!

Our friendly marketing department wants you to know this about the book:

When Neil, Leah's warm and loving step-father, reveals that his cancer is no longer in remission, Leah finds comfort in a visit to Amish country to see her true love, Ethan. When Ethan chooses to leave his life on the farm, he moves in with Leah and her family. But once Ethan arrives, they realize that his Amish values are quite different from those of Leah's complex "English" world. Will their love help, or hurt, Leah as she faces the complex hurdles that await her?

If you guys are HOLY HELL SHOCKED about Neil's cancer, well, you aren't alone! But be patient, my loves, I'm getting there. First, let's look at the beautiful cover:

Leah's pretty! Ethan's still in his sort of Amish, sort of English clothes. But don't worry, you guys, there's a buggy in the background, so you won't get confused as to what kind of story this is.

Also, doesn't this sort of look like a Little Golden Book with that weird ass border on the left side?

I really wish I could promise you guys this book would be as entertaining and intelligent and moving as just THE COVER of the Shy Little Kitten is, but I don't feel right misleading the public.

Again, nowadays this book is part of a prepackaged trilogy:

So the beginning of this book is like a friggin' trainwreck in progress. I know Lurlene has been going more and more for just starting a book right in the midst of things (Leah already in the hospital for her broken finger, for just one example), plus I know enough about basic book-writing to be aware that it generally is best to open on the action of an important event (i.e. why should this book begin this day of all days) but OH MY GOD LURLENE THIS IS NUTSO EVEN FOR YOU:

"Leah, we need to talk." [Yes, this is how the book opens!]

Leah Lewis-Hall flicked off the TV [back when I was in Catholic grade school, we said 'flicking off' instead of 'flipping off' so I just got an awesome mental picture involving television and Leah's extended middle finger] and gave her mother her full attention. "What's up?" She knew something was wrong. For days, her mother had seemed edgy and uncommunicative. Most unlike herself. Leah's mother usually had something to say about everything. When Leah had come home from school that day, the house had been empty and there had only been a terse note: Neil and I will be back before supper.

Her mother sat down on the edge of the sofa. "I'm sure you've noticed that things haven't been exactly normal around here lately." [Mmm, how I like a piping hot fresh cup of exposition so early on in a book!]

"Are you and Neil having problems?" Leah asked, fearing the worst.

. . .

"Yes, we're having problems," her mother said.

But she doesn't mean, like, marital problems. NEIL HAS CANCER. NEIL HAS HAD CANCER. WAIT WHAT? Neil had cancer long ago, before his first wife died. Also, you guys, Neil is really old! He's sixty-eight! This keeps getting hammered in, with talk of an age difference and the fact that he's a widower, and on and on. OKAY THIS IS THE THIRD BOOK SO WHY ARE WE JUST LEARNING OF NEIL'S AGE? Did Lurlene just realize she wanted to throw in this old age/cancer subplot so she turned Neil old?

Okay, you guys, I have a confession, and I might as well come clean about it right now. At the same time I was reading this book, I was reading the absolutely lovely Sweethearts by my current Y.A. hero Sara Zarr. This book also featured a really nice stepdad who moved a mother and daughter out of financial hardship to upper middle-class comfort. It also featured A BOYFRIEND NAMED ETHAN. Now, Zarr writes really beautiful prose, believable characters, refreshing and new plotlines. But YOU CAN SEE HOW I WOULD OCCASIONALLY GET A LITTLE CONFUSED. I feel like I owe Zarr ten boxes of her favorite candy to apologize for this, but it's the truth, and you guys know how super committed I am to the truth. Anyways, I am going to do my best to keep the two books straight! You guys just deserve the warning. Also, again, Sara Zarr, I am so, so very sorry. I promise I will never, ever again confuse one of your books with something in the Lurleneverse.

Anyway, back to Neil's cancer. He's in the friggin' hospital! It's really bad! Leah's PISSED OFF. I mean, worried, but PISSED OFF. Why, she wonders, didn't anyone ever tell her that her stepdad has battled the same disease she did? Why didn't he help prepare her for what she had to go through? Why was there such epic dishonesty? Oh, they kept MEANING to tell her, but there was just NEVER A GOOD TIME.

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS WHAT???

I totally do not believe Lurlene ever had any clue Neil was A) old or B) cancerous. Considering book two in the trilogy JUST SORT OF ENDED, I doubt she was all set to go on the third book's plot, outside of lots of YA romance crap between Leah and Amish-or-will-he-go-English Ethan and, you know, ANGELS. So then she was all "OH CRAP WHAT ELSE CAN THIS BOOK BE ABOUT" and spun her little Wheel of Lurleneverse, and it totes landed on SOMEONE (ELSE) HAS CANCER.

Leah and her mom go to visit Neil at the hospital. Guess what his doctor is named???

Dr. Howser!!! AWESOME.

So Neil asks for some time alone with Leah, and he tries to be all "NO IT'S TOTALLY OKAY I NEVER TOLD YOU ABOUT MY CANCER EVEN THOUGH YOU HAD CANCER TOO" but she's not having it. Seriously! This is so stupid I want to scream. Neil promises to be honest in the future.

Leah writes her Amish beau Ethan a letter about this news, and laments that IF ONLY HE WEREN'T AMISH because then she could just call, text, email, IM, Facebook 'poke', MySpace message, or tell him to check her LiveJournal for a filtered post. You guys, I would never survive dating the Amish.

Leah's back in school, and apparently her only friend is this girl named Sherry. Is Sherry cool and popular? Well, of course not:

Sherry was overweight, and therefore not on the social A-list.

OH MY GOD LURLENE HATES THE OVERWEIGHT. You know, I'm not saying popular cliques are chock-full of kids representing the entire body size spectrum, but there are usually one or two overweight kids who are super cool/popular/whatever for reasons that have nothing to do with maintaining a size 0 figure. Whatever, I know yelling at Lurlene for sizism is lame when there are so many worse offenders in the YA genre, I just think that "therefore" is a little inaccurate. I'm just glad Sherry's a nice girl and not always, like, written shoving food into her mouth.

So I like that the subject of dudes comes up, and Sherry asks if Leah has one, and she's all, "yeah, I do, but he's Amish, so it's totes complicated". I seriously hate how many books I've read where the protags won't cop up to their romantic lives for one reason or another, so it's refreshing that this is just a no-brainer to Leah. Of course, after getting through Neil's Big Cancer Deception, she's probably going through a big truth phase.

So Leah goes to hang out with Neil and her mother at the hospital, where two notable things occur. Firstly, THERE'S A WOMAN DOCTOR IN THE LURLENEVERSE. HURRAH! Secondly, Neil refers to Leah as his daughter, not his stepdaughter. This pleases her. It's pretty sweet. I like Neil, despite his rapid aging and plot-convenient cancer.

The doctor tells them there is evidence of cancer in Neil's liver, and Leah's mom is all I DON'T BELIEVE YOU FOOLS! which, just, oh my god, I get there's a stage of denial, but Leah's mom just seems more like an idiot. Neil is able to talk some sense into her, whew. We're so lucky to have Neil, you guys. FOR NOW.

Ethan writes back to Leah and lets her know how sorry he is. He is still dressing English on the weekends (that sounds like a euphemism, though for what I'm not sure). Also he adds this delightful P.S.:

P.S. Charity says that I am to tell you hello. Hello.

UM DOES LURLENE UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN OLD-FASHIONED AND STUPID?

Neil comes home from the hospital, and will do chemo on an outpatient basis. I mean, I'm sure he's gonna be fine, you guys, right?

Leah and Sherry are talking about their respective boy problems (Amish, a jock asshole who hates the unpopular and overweight), when Sherry lets out this gem:

"If only boys thought like girls instead of boys."

Um WHAT? I mean, I get what she's saying, because there are so many girls whose friends see their beauty and whom guys don't seem to notice, but, trust me, Sherry, the boys who think more like girls when it comes to dating are really, really not going to be into you. (Though they will happily take you out to meet boys together.) I was just wondering if gay people even EXIST in the Lurleneverse, but then I remembered Brian's uncle WHO DIED. (Then again, Lurlene kills off enough heterosexual people I doubt she's making a statement there. Still, one gay character, one death, lookin' a little bad to me, Lurlene.)

So this dude that Sherry's into is described as having "hands as large as ham hocks". WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THE BIZARRE HAND METAPHORS?

Neil is doing okay with his chemo, but it's exhausting him, and he can't keep up with his collection of antique cars like he wants. He wants Leah to help him sell them, but she urges him to keep them. Aw, I would too, and not just because I'd totes be in complete denial (but not the stupid kind afflicting Leah's mom). Neil asks about Leah's college plans, and she's all, oh, pish posh, college, I don't really like school. Hey, what happened to being interested in nursing, Leah? This is such a badly-planned trilogy.

So I know this is a really middle-class view of mine, but considering that Leah easily falls into that in these books, and considering quite a few of Lurlene's heroines do, I think it's weird college is seen as something SOME people do. When I was in high school, everyone was pretty much expected to go to college unless they were, like, seriously academically-challenged (and even those kids were encouraged to go to community college or whatever). I think it's seriously badly-researched/imagined on Lurlene's behalf that college wouldn't be basically an automatic thought, most especially when she's dealing with kids of a certain class or above (which isn't to say I think college should be limited to certain classes, I just know it's sort of ridiculous to paint the image of wealthy ol' Neil and all of his cars, and yet Leah without a thought in the world about college).

Leah is reflecting back on her other stepfathers, and how friggin' awesome Neil is:

She'd never had a stepfather like Neil. The others had been imitations, men who had been indifferent to her - or worse, overly friendly.

AND THEN THAT IS DROPPED. WHAT WHAT WHAT. "Overly friendly"? Was Leah, like, molested? Was there just inappropriate, like, leering? How can you just throw something like that in and never get to it again? That is kind of a big fucking deal, Lurlene! Seriously, I know I've mocked every one of Lurlene's books I've read so far, but this book is sooo poorly-written I'm just kind of blown away. The prose itself is fine, nothing special, but in general not cringe-worthy, but the fact that this book seems to have been entirely conceived long after the first two were written is sort of troublesome. Use a fucking outline, Lurlene.

So of course Leah's missin' her man soooo much, so she decides to spend the week after Christmas with Kathy in Nappanee. Considering Neil's health, I'm sort of surprised her mom just lets her go, but she does, and YAY ETHAN. Or something. These kids are mighty happy to see each other, but there have been a lot of changes for Ethan. He got his drivers license! And now he lives in Football Hands's party apartment. Leah also learns that Charity is so pissed off about Football Hands's rumspringa doings that she won't date him any longer. Charity, you were the one so eager for an, albeit, temporary English makeover, but, whatever. I'm just glad she's come to her senses about him.

Leah and Ethan attend an Amish-acting-English party while she's there, and Ethan confides in her that he wants her help to track down his shunned brother Eli. Wait, this clarifies that since Eli was never technically baptized, he isn't technically being shunned. So basically, him and his family are just assholes. Leah agrees to help, and says they'll go to Neil, because Neil knows how to do everything. You know, I really like Neil, and I like the relationship between Leah and Neil, but I'm not crazy about how Leah and her mom were totes helpless before the big, strong, rich man came along and made them a proper family, or how Leah goes to Neil for basically everything now. Couldn't there be anything Leah's mom is good at, besides saying dumbass things to medical professionals? Whatever, I'm wanting way too much out of the Lurleneverse.

So of course Leah doesn't want to leave, and Ethan doesn't want her to, but obviously she has to. So Leah comes up with the genius idea that Ethan can come back with her and stay in her basement for awhile. Someone's been watching too much Roseanne! Ethan agrees, and they go to tell his parents. His father's reaction involves a description of his big hands which, seriously, WTF is up with all the big hands in this series? His mother offers up this advice:

"Remember the words of our Lord," she said. "'You are the salt of the earth, but if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again?'"

I know it's a metaphor, and it's from the bible, but, please, salt CANNOT lose its saltiness, okay? It is saltiness embodied! I mean... it's SALT. Way to choose a weird passage, Ethan's mom.

Finally they leave right away for Leah's. When they arrive, the power's out, so of course Ethan's all YEAH IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME YOU CRAZY ENGLISH PERSON I DON'T NEED NO STINKING ELECTRICITY.

How do they keep warm?

"We can do as the Amish do," Ethan said. "We can bundle."

"How do we bundle?"

"It's an old Amish custom, not always approved of by parents and elders. But when dating, a boy and his girl will lie in bed together. They do not remove their clothes, but they spend the night in each other's arms."

Leah's jaw dropped. "This is an Amish custom?"

"Sex without marriage is forbidden," Ethan quickly added.

"I'd guess so. But--wow--doesn't bundling sort of invite trouble?"

Ethan chuckled. "Winters are long and very cold. Amish couples do it to keep warm."

Yeeeeaahhh, I'm sure they do. You know what else keeps you warm, and doesn't require any electricity unless you've got some specific fetishes?

Finally the power comes back on, and Leah and Ethan have New Year's with lots of TV and junk food. Sound ideal! Leah's mom and Neil arrive home to find them asleep in front of the TV and are TOTES PISSED. They assume the kids were doin' it and... got dressed and fell asleep... in the living room... with a bunch of junk food? Also, um, if you guys are that freaked about the possibility of Leah having sex, WHY DID YOU LET HER RENT AN APARTMENT ALONE FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF BEING NEAR HER BOYFRIEND?

Are you guys sick of me pointing out what a shoddily-written trilogy this is yet? Because this is a really shoddily-written trilogy.

Luckily Neil steps in (YAY NEIL ALL-POWERFUL MAN CREATURE) and believes Leah and gets Leah's mom to believe her too. Ethan gets to stay and help around the house. He's put in charge with taking care of Neil's prized cars, so that Neil can keep them but in the condition they deserve.

Leah tells her mom she's helping Ethan find his brother because she too knows what it's like lack for a family. Her mom's all "I WAS your family!" and Leah actually says, "You worked." OH MY GOD. NO, LEAH, NO, THAT IS SO NOT OKAY TO SAY. YOUR MOM LOVED YOU AND WANTED THE BEST FOR YOU AND GUESS WHAT NONE OF THAT IS FUCKING FREE.

So Ethan gets a part-time job with the local vet, because he is so good with animals and loves them so much (first I'm hearing of it, but fine). He's really settling into this English lifestyle, and Leah's fam loves him! But that's the only good thing goin' for Leah's family; Neil's cancer is back! It's worse! OH NOES! Neil tells her she'll have to take care of her mother, who'll be in denial (SHOCKING I KNOW), and then goes on to tell her the whole reason her mother left her father is that her father suffered from paranoia and was dangerous!! Her beloved grandmother thought her mom was totes wrong and tried to sue for custody! That's why there was all that pesky estrangement! Leah's mind is BLOWN. Goddammit, doesn't anyone in this family ever talk to each other? Good thing Neil is around.

Leah confronts her mother, and learns her mother kept marrying richer and richer men to improve their station in life. And she's all "Oh, okay then!" WHAT? So you totes disrespect her for WORKING, but marrying for money is cool? This is pretty fucked up stuff.

(By the way, randomly, Lurlene refers to gossip at school as "scuttlebutt". PLEASE TELL ME ONE HIGH-SCHOOLER YOUNGER THAN ONE-HUNDRED WHO HAS EVER SAID THIS.)

Neil tracked down Eli! Of course he did; Neil can do anything. It was really difficult because Eli changed his name to Elias. Oh, yeah, that'd complicate things. Seriously, there is no mention of the internet in this book, and since it was written in 1999, that's wicked stupid. Lurlene, you are frustrating me somethin' fierce.

Ethan and Leah go to visit Eli/as, and the boys are totes thrilled to see each other. Eli/as has a wife, Camille, who's a Mennonite, a fact Ethan knows would piss off his parents. THOSE HEATHEN RULE-BENDING MENNONITES. Eli/as and Camille have two sons, Timmy and Jason. Eli/as is soooo over being Amish, but Ethan urges him to at least visit the fam again, since he was not OFFICIALLY shunned. Eli/as isn't up for it. But Eli/as urges Leah to go to college, and Leah urges him to talk to his family, and they both promise to consider the other's POV. Okay then!

When Leah and Ethan arrive home, they find a note that Neil is in the hospital. OH NOES. Though does anyone have a cell phone in the Lurleneverse? If my daughter drove around as much as Leah does AND HAD ONCE HAD CANCER I'd give her a fucking cell phone. Also think of all the fun Lurlene could have had making Ethan amazed at the technology of a cell phone!

So Neil is going to die. Oh DAMN. Despite him being, like, proof that every family needs a man to make it count, I actually like Neil. After he dies, Leah says, "I love you, Neil," then realizes that name isn't "enough" and calls him Daddy. It's sweet, except there's nothing lacking about, ya know, calling someone Neil v. Daddy. Right? I dunno. It's not like Leah's mom calls him some special love-name instead of Neil, right? Why am I getting hung up on this, it's such a nice moment! I guess I just think stepparents can be just as loved as parents, and you don't have to say they've moved on from being "just" a stepparent to get that kind of love. Well, you know, outside of the Lurleneverse.

Leah finds out Neil left all his cars to her with instructions to sell them so she can go to college. Neil, that's pretty awesome of you. Aren't you shocked, Neil, that Gabriella didn't show up to usher you into heaven? I mean, it happened to Rebekah, and also this is a friggin' ANGELS TRILOGY with NO SIGN OF AN ANGEL IN THE CONCLUSIVE VOLUME YET. You guyyyys, this is such sloppy writing.

Leah is anxious to share her news with Ethan, but when she finds him... HE'S DRESSED AMISH. Oh man! You can take the boy out of Nappanee, but you can't take the Nappanee out of the boy. He promises her she was not part of his fling, but part of his life, and says she'll be in his heart "until angels close [his] eyes". WHAT? THAT IS ALL THE ANGELNESS WE'RE GETTING IN THIS BOOK? There is a fucking DEATH and yet this is IT? Lurlene, geez, this is pathetic. I had no clue I could still find it within my heart to be disappointed in you.

Except... the book ends with Leah realizing her and her mom ARE a family, just the two of them. FINALLY LEAH! FUCKING FINALLY! It took you long enough, and was not exactly the kind of conclusion this book called for since, you know, THERE WEREN'T ANY GODDAMN ANGELS.

I'm just shocked a heroine in the Lurleneverse WHO HAD CANCER made it through three books alive. Hooray for very, very small miracles.

No pun intended.

Lurlene Quizzes

2008-03-22T14:06:00.000-07:00

I hope to have the conclusion to the Amish trilogy up early next week, but I think I should probably devote this weekend to working on my own book, which is probably wondering if it should catch the cancer to get my attention. (Dear beloved book, no you shouldn't, xoxoxoAmes)

So in the meanwhile, please amuse yourself with these Lurlene quizzes I found! I am ashamed to say that even though I feel like I'm more of a thorough skimmer of Lurlene books than attentive reader (don't hate on me for the truth!) I somehow managed to get one hundred percent on the Amish/angels quiz. Imagine all the valuable information my brain has been depleted of to remember this trivia, and cry for me.

If you're not too proud (see what I did there??) do share your scores in the comments!

Barely saved by the makeover scene, or Lifted Up By Angels

2008-03-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

Let's tackle the second book in the angels/Amish trilogy, Lifted Up By Angels (published 1997), because for some reason Lurlene thought we didn't have enough the first go around.

Do you want to know what it's about? Yay, because I would like to tell you!:

This inspirational novel follows the story of Leah and her friendship with the Amish family she met while hospitalized for cancer treatment. When Leah takes a summer job near their Amish community, she is happy to be near Ethan again. He is now at the age at which an Amish young man is allowed a taste of non-Amish life before committing to the adults' rules. Will Leah and Ethan's feelings for each other overcome family obligations?

Before you guys get all enthused about rumspringa, this is kind of a faux rumspringa. Just lettin' ya know!

What does the cover look like? Is it lovely? Will it draw you in? Wait no longer to find out!:

Ethan doesn't really look Amish, does he? Oh, maybe this is when he's EXPERIMENTING with CRAZY ENGLISH WAYS... except in that part of the book (SORRY TO SPOIL YOU GUYS) he's all into T-shirts and shit. So basically I deem this cover MISREPRESENTATIVE!

Now, of course, the book is published in a thick-ass trilogy:

Again, boring, but at least Amish-y!

The book opens all expositiony with the whole LEAH WAS BETTER AFTER HER BRUSH WITH BONE CANCER AND HER CHEMO AND NOW IT IS THE SUMMER AND HER MOM AND HER STEPDAD ARE OFF ON VACATION WHILE SHE SUMMERS NEAR THE AMISH OH BY THE WAY SHE IS IN LOVE WITH ONE OF THE AMISH HIS NAME IS ETHAN AND HOO BOY IS HE A LOOKER. Like, seriously, that's a lot of info FAST.

So Leah's all off to have her own apartment, work as a maid at a hotel, and all so she can be near her Amish friends. She turned down traveling with the fam to Hawaii and Fiji for this, which, sorry, to me sounds way better than a crappy job and Amish-adjacency. Then again, I never fell for an Amish hottie, so it's a tough call.

Nappanee, Indiana, is a real place where there are real Amish people! You guys, it's true, I looked it up on Wikipedia! So I'm giving you a point, Lurlene, for accuracy. I dole out my points very sparingly where you're concerned, Lurlene, so consider yourself very, very lucky.

So Leah rolls into town in her hot convertible, and goes off to visit her Amish peeps right away. Charity's thrilllllllled to see her, as is darling Rebekah. Oh man, I love Rebekah, she's the cutest. It's awesome that spider didn't kill her last time around! Since Rebekah lives on a farm and everything, wouldn't it have been cool if the spider was like Charlotte (of the Web), and gave her advice on how to win some kind of competition and also how to save her own life? NOT TO SPOIL ANYTHING FOR YOU GUYS!

Of course the second Leah glimpses Ethan, her heart and her loins are all "OH YEAHHHH" and she knows the whole friggin' reason she's there is for him, which, uhhh, couldn't any of us have told her this? Do you have any friends, Leah? Friends that aren't angels or Amish? I think it could be a good thing to perhaps DISCUSS this stuff.

By the way, Amish boys say some pretty hot stuff:

His brow knitted. His startling blue eyes stared directly into hers. "My eyes have been hungry for the sight of you."

Holy HELL I'd be gone. Swooooon.

So Leah meets Ethan's whole fam, including the grandparents. None of the adults except Ethan's mom seem too wild about her, but, whatev, she's near Ethan, she's happy. Still, she goes to Charity and is all "WHYYYY DO THEY ALL HAAAAAATE ME?" and Charity explains that A) the Amish aren't into "idle chatter" which basically means I'd never survive a moment without severely testing the pacifist nature of the Amish with my jibber-jabbering ways, and B) Ethan is not baptized yet, which confuses me because they go into the whole "WHEN YOU'RE SIXTEEN YOU CAN GO WIIIIIIIIIIIIILD" but, wait, Ethan's seventeen, so... is that okay? Oh, all right, whatever. Basically Ethan's dad's concerned since he hasn't totes committed to Amishness yet, and a hot English girl like Leah could obvs lead him astray.

Leah gets a little concerned maybe she's just something exotic for Ethan to sample while he's livin' the wild life, which I was kind of shocked by. I mean, that's totally what I would be worried about in her shoes, so, again, REALISM IN THE LURLENEVERSE?! The world's FLIPPED, people, FLIPPED.

So, totally random, Leah is out driving and RUNS INTO ETHAN'S YOUNGER BROTHER SIMEON. WTF! She just KNOCKS INTO HIM WITH HER FUCKING CAR! He's on skates! WHAT???? He has a job delivering packages. Oh, ALL RIGHT! Anyway, he's fine, and he's not going to wear pads or a helmet because those things are for "showy, not plain" people. Yeah, showy that you have a freaking BRAIN. Without a helmet, it's more like, MY BRAIN: LET ME SHOW YOU IT.

So Leah takes Simeon back to work (ummm after getting hit by a car I don't think I'd be all LET ME SKATE OFF TO DELIVER MORE PACKAGES) and Ethan comes with, and after dropping Simeon off, Leah offers to show Ethan her apartment. BOOM CHICKA WOW WOW. (Is that right, for porno music? I've never typed out porno music before!) Ethan gets all embarrassed because he sees Leah's underwear strewn about, that wanton slut! Anyways, they talk about the barn dance coming up, and Leah's all concerned because Martha, this Amish girl that Ethan once took home in his buggy (for serious, you guys, that isn't a euphemism) is going to be there, and she's all jeaaaa!loussss! Dude, I'd be too. You know the Amish and their buggies!!

The kids at the barn dance are all Amish, except for Leah, though some are totes going through AMISH GONE WILD!! so they're in English clothes and drinking beers and listening to "funky music", white boy.

No one's very welcoming to Leah, including this dude Jonah, who is Martha's brother and has "hands the size of footballs" which is basically the weirdest descriptor I've ever heard. Like, doesn't that put the weirdest picture in your head? Anyway, Football Hands is all "YOU HOLD YOURSELF SEPARATE AND PROUD" to Ethan, which, dude, just STFU. You're the one at a fucking BARN DANCE so I don't know why your crappy English clothes and beer-drinking makes you so special!

So Leah starts her crap maid job with this girl named Kathy Kelly, who is always talkin' shit about the Amish, and how they're all separate and cliquish and, shut up, Kathy Kelly, I don't like you either.

After an exhausting day at work, Leah heads over to the Amish house, where THE CUTEST THING HAPPENS. Rebekah gives Leah a baby chick she promises to take care of for her. Oh my god, you guys, if an adorable little Amish girl gave me a baby chick and raised it for me, I would melt away in a pile of dead-from-cuteness. Rebekah is totes my favorite character.

Uh-oh! Rebekah tells Leah that Gabriella told her she'd see Rebekah again. Uh, Rebekah, I know you like Gabriella and all, but if that isn't a death sentence I don't know what is.

Double uh-oh! When Leah's driving back later and stops for gas, she runs into Football Hands! I friggin' hate you, dude. He's all BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH, DO NOT LEAD THE AMISH ASTRAY! Ugh, shut up. Can you guys believe Charity's been in his buggy? Gross. I wouldn't want to be touched with football hands!

Ethan shows up at Leah's place bright and early Sunday morning, and she's all, fool, we don't all keep FARMING HOURS, but, please, she's got the hottie at her place, she's not complaining too much. Ethan changes into English-style clothes but isn't quite ready to get his Amish locks styled.

Ethan wants to watch movies, so watch movies they do. Leah notices Ethan doesn't get verbal humor, just laughs at pratfalls and such, and that would be a big turnoff for me, but whatevs for Leah. She's got Amish fever!

After all that movie-watchin', they head to The Rink; yes, Lurlene capitalizes "The" just like that. It's a roller rink and game room! Also you can eat there. Honestly, I would go there in a heartbeat; rollerskating's a damn good time. Anyways, outside, this is amazing:

She drove into a parking lot filled with cars and Amish buggies. Several of the buggies looked less than plain. They bore tassels and reflective tape cut in fancy designs. The harnesses were studded with ornamentations. Even the horses looked fancy.

AND THEN IT STOPS. HOW CAN YOU TELL ME THAT THE HORSES LOOK FANCY AND THEN NOT TELL ME HOWWWW?

I totes picture them like this:

Or, in keeping with these modern times, maybe they look like this:

I would basically give up everything in my life to see either of these horses pullin' an Amish buggy.

So Martha's there and obviously wants Ethan back, but is still welcoming to Leah after she realizes they're together. Go Martha! I'm glad you weren't afflicted with football hands. Leah bitches to Ethan about what a loser Football Hands is, and Ethan's all, whatever, once he's done with his fling he'll be back to another day living in Amish paradise. Leah asks if anyone ever doesn't return to their Amish ways, and Ethan blushes ten zillion shades of red and is all YES. Duuu-huuuude! Tell us more, Ethan! But, alas, he's all mum's the word! Methinks this will be important later.

Leah and Ethan take a trip to the bustling metropolis of Indianapolis for Leah's oncology checkup. One of her knees has been giving her a lot of trouble, which, uh, Leah, you're in the Lurleneverse, you are soooo screwed. At least she gets to say hey to Molly, who is still as nice as a person can possibly be even though they once told you you're just like their sister who died from a disease related to the one afflicting you. Thanks, Molly! Molly wants to get her sister's diary published as a book to give kids with diseases hope. First of all, this is such a friggin' Mary Sue moment for Lurlene, who's gotta be patting herself on the back so hard right now she's got suspicious bruises, and also, uh, HOPE HOW? YOUR SISTER DIED YOU DUMMY. I guess she had a great attitude? I'd rather have a craptastic attitude and not be dead, but that's just me.

Leah has fond memories of Gabriella while at the hospital:

She fingered the bindings, half expecting to see some reminder of Gabriella. There was none. Nothing at all to reflect that strange and wonderful night when the woman had come into her room, talked to her and touched her.

Whoa! She DOES sound like a heavenly creature, now that you mention it, Leah.

Believe it or not, Leah's aching knee is just inflammation from working so hard. OH MY GOD HER CANCER IS NOT BACK! I mean, I know there are three books in this series and she's most likely gonna die eventually, but, WHOA. I am pretty shocked.

After that round of good news, they head to the mall, where Ethan is all super judgmental about all the stuff stores sell. He totes flips out over this bikini, which irks me, because he's all I WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO WEAR SUCH A THING LEAH and she knows it's wrong for him to act that way but she's also kind of "oh, you're so cute", and, uh, no. The thing is, though, he knows he shouldn't feel that way, so, well, okay, FINE, I still can't hate on you, Ethan. You make my job tough!

Leah buys Rebekah a little wind-up chick, and tells Ethan she'll like it because girls likes things that are cute and small. I am not down with gender stereotypes, but once a good friend of mine told me he believed that girls would like anything that was a miniature version of something else, no matter how mundane or uncute the original item was, and I have to say this is often true.

Ethan gets his Amish locks cut in an English style, so of course he's hotter than ever. Leah knows his dad will be angry, and asks why his dad is so weird about Ethan hanging out with her. Ethan's all "HE HAS HIS REASONS". DUM DUM DUUMMMMMM. But then when she drops him off, he gives her a little porcelain bunny, based on Leah's comment that girls like stuff that is small and cute. Aw, Ethan, that is awfully sweet. Guys, I'm so glad I didn't read this when I was younger, talk about wayyyy unrealistic standards for real boys to live up to.

So there's this co-ed Amish camp-out coming up. Ethan asks Leah, and even though she doesn't want to go because stupid Football Hands is gonna be there, she agrees because it'll be nice to be there with Ethan, and also because Charity can only goes if he goes, and he only wants to go if Leah does. What the hell is this, the Taming of the Shrew? Charity asks if Leah will help give her an English makeover for the event, and she agrees. Oh man, you guys, imagine how good that scene would be if this was a movie!!! I love a good makeover scene in a movie, and my favorite episode each cycle of America's Next Top Model is the makeover episode (especially if anyone cries due to short/shaved hair). An AMISH makeover scene? That would be the BEST EVER.

So there's some carnival coming up, and Kathy's all Grumpy McBitchface because the tourists all come and stare at the Amish, and also she hates the Amish, so basically she hates everyone. She goes off on this HUGE tangent about sometimes the tourists drive badly and RUN INTO THE AMISH so of course we all know that's gonna happen to SOMEONE now, right??

CARNIVAL TIME! MAKEOVER SCENE! Goddamn Football Hands is there, of course, and he's all "I LIKE WHAT I SEE" to Charity which is basically just creepy, right? Of course it is. He's gonna paw her to death with those pigskins. I hate you, Football Hands. He gets super drunk at the camp-out which is held immediately after the carnival, and starts yelling at Ethan to drink beer with him. Ethan refuses, and Football Hands is all "ELI WOULD HAVE DRUNK BEER WITH ME" and so of course Leah wants to know who Eli is!

Of course we all saw this coming, right? Eli is Ethan's older brother, who got himself all edumacated, and therefore SHUNNED FROM AMISH SOCIETY. When he left, he told Ethan since he's the next in line that he can therefore NOT leave Amish society or it'll totes kill their dad. Oh MAN Eli, that's way too much to dump on a person.

So a few days later, Leah's driving through town when she notices police cars and ambulances near the Amish produce stand. OH YOU GUYS I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! Of course it's Rebekah who was hit!!! OH MAN. Rebekah is in a friggin' COMA you guys!! Believe it or not, Lurlene doesn't go nutso with medical terminology, but she does KILL OFF REBEKAH, the cutest fictional girl in the Lurleneverse. You guys, it's so unfair! Why does Simeon, who, let's be honest, we don't even care about, get hit by a car and then go right back to work while sweet chicken-tending Rebekah diiiies? The Lurleneverse is so unfair.

At the funeral Leah sees Gabriella walking off with Rebekah, who is waving a handkerchief. Leah tells Ethan's family, and they all think she's batshit until Ethan's grandma is all OMG I TOTES PUT A HANDKERCHIEF IN HER HAND AT THE FUNERAL so now they know it's true. ??? All right, sure.

So Leah's mom and stepdad show up to help her come home, as the summer is ending, and Ethan's all WE WILL BE TOGETHER, though Leah wonders how. And that is how the book freaking ends. I have no idea what this book was even about. I mean, okay, fine, I just told you guys what the book was about, but there was no real story arc, it was just kind of a bunch of Amishness with OF COURSE A DEATH THROWN IN and the freaking ANGEL and then it's just OVER? I don't know what the lessons are, I don't know what we were supposed to get from any of this other than that Ethan is the hottest and most tragic boy in the Lurleneverse who doesn't have his own disease/injury, that angels are real, and that if you're not important to the story you can skate right away from a car accident.

I don't want to spoil you guys, but I read the first few pages of the conclusion to the trilogy, and it was so outrageous I laughed and laughed and got super excited about sharing it with you. You will NOT be disappointed.

The bible is right and your doctor is wrong, or Angels Watching Over Me

2008-03-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

Just like I couldn't get enough of books about sick kids back in the day, I can't really get enough of the Amish. They're fascinating! I know there is nothing unique about a fixation on their culture; I'm sure lots of us share it. So basically Lurlene hit the jackpot when she figured out a way to combine both diseased kids and the Amish. Lurlene, seriously, you're a friggin' genius.

I mean, sort of?

The first book in the Angels trilogy is Angels Watching Over Me (published 1996), a title we'll discover is less about beautiful metaphors than it is painfully on the nose. What is this one about? The publishers say:

Happy Holidays! Bah humbug. "Happy" is not the way Leah Lewis-Hall would describe herself at the moment. She's spending her twelve days of Christmas in an Indianapolis hospital, while her mother is thousands of miles away on a honeymoon with husband number five. Leah went to the doctor with nothing more than a broken finger, but he ordered her to undergo some tests. Now she's stuck in the hospital, alone.

Then Leah meets her hospital roommate, a young Amish girl named Rebekah, and her big family. Cynical sixteen-year-old Leah has never known people like this before. From Rebekah's handsome brother, Ethan, who can barely look Leah in the eye, to her kind older sister, Charity, the Amish family captivates Leah with its simple, loving ways. When Leah receives frightening information about her condition, her new friends show her that miracles can happen. And that sometimes angels appear in the most unexpected places.

Man, Lurlene really hates mothers, doesn't she?

So I went in search of an image of the original cover, which somehow lead Google to turn up with a disturbing image of the always-heinous Rachael Ray all lathered up in a sink. Listen, Google, it's enough of a struggle not going crazy reading all these glimpses into the Lurleneverse, don't ever do that to me. Also, what about the search terms angels watching over me lurlene mcdaniel should induce that sort of result? Sorry, guys, for taking you there with me. Anyways, this is the original cover:

Nowadays it's packaged in a trilogy with its two sequels:

Leah's a little hotter in this one, I think. Also, at least this one gives a promise of the delightful Amishness contained within! God, you guys, I can't even tell you how much I would have been into this book at twelve or thirteen. I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it's a true thing!

So the book opens right up at the hospital! None of this getting to know our character or caring BEFOREHAND, nope, why waste any pages on that? Leah Lewis-Hall has a broken finger, and yet the doctors want to run tests and not let her go home for Christmas. That's fine, because her mom is on her honeymoon with her fifth husband and doesn't really give a shit about Leah. By the way, Leah's last name is hyphenated for some reason like her mom was gonna get married a lot so why make Leah hang onto only the name of her father when there were going to be a lot of stepfathers? It's really hard to understand what exactly Leah is telling us, so let's just sum it up: Leah's last name is hyphenated because she has a bad mother. Good mothers take their husbands' names, people! Another life lesson from the Lurleneverse!

Obviously this is one of Lurlene's books, so we all know that broken finger isn't going to be JUST a broken finger! Leah's mom is being all "WHAT KIND OF DOCTORS ARE THESE THAT WOULD KEEP YOU THERE FOR A BROKEN FINGERRRR" which, I don't know, is something that if it was happening to me I'd think I'd go, oh, wow, they must have noticed something alarming and they want to check it out. Is that true, or have I just been sucked full-force into the Lurleneverse? Now every sleepy morning, every ache and pain, every bruise makes me panic. Thanks, Lurlene!

Still, I think Leah's mom sounds dumb. But while Lurlene wants us to think she's a bad mom who likes all her marryin' and honeymoonin' more than her kid, I don't think this part is supposed to alarm us. I think my mom would have caught on, but she's one of those wicked working women, so clearly she isn't to be trusted.

Leah's mom asks if she should come home from her honeymoon, but obviously she wants Leah to say no, and Leah is happy to, which makes Leah's mom thrilled she can stay in Japan. Oh my god, you're an awful mom! If my mom didn't come straight home, underestimation of the severity of my medical condition or not, I would have been pretty upset.

Luckily a super nice nurse named Molly comes around to check on Leah. She lets Leah know the hospital is totes jam-packed so Leah could end up with a roommate. Molly is jealous of Leah's mom's trip, and says that because she has two kids, her and her husband probably won't get to travel until they retire. Leah's all, whoa, how friggin' boring that must be, which warms my cold little heart. A teenage girl in the Lurleneverse who isn't dreaming of marriage and babies? Awwww yeah.

Leah's knee starts to hurt (BAD SIGN LEAH!) but she doesn't get all panicky like I would be at this point, deciding instead to calmly read some teen magazines!!!! Oh, teen magazines! She's trying really hard not to think about her grandmother, who her mother never let her see because they disagreed on lots of stuff ever since her son, Leah's father, left Leah's mom. He also ended up DEAD IN AN ALLEY a few years later so I guess he got his! Anyways, her grandmother got the cancer, so Leah's mom let Leah hang out with her. Obviously, Leah's got a lot of bad hospital memories thanks to cancer, and something tells me that trend isn't over yet!

So when Leah gets back to her room after the teen magazine excursion, she finds a little Amish girl in the next bed. Her mother is there with her, and, uhhh, I'm not an expert on the Amish or anything, but do they really talk like this?

"There, there," the woman cooed soothingly. "Do not cry so, Rebekah. You're hurting my heart with such a flood of tears."

I keep hearing her as this totes crazy voice Catherine O'Hara uses at the beginning of this deleted scene from Waiting for Guffman:

Rebekah's mom has to go home, so Leah cheers up Rebekah, who is in the hospital because she was bitten by a spider. They bond right away, because Rebekah's adorable and Leah is actually a decent person.

That night, while Leah tries to sleep, she has flashbacks from the past:

She and her mother were living in a trailer, and Don, her mother's second husband, had been gone for more than a month. Her mother had tucked bedcovers around Leah.

"Don't leave, Mama," Leah had pleaded.

"I have to go to work, Leah. But all the doors will be locked and I'll be back before you get up in the morning for school."

"Don't go," Leah wailed.

"Hush! Stop that. [OH MY GOD SHE'S SO MEAN!] I don't want to go, but I have to if we want to eat next week. Close your eyes and go to sleep."

Man, that is some craptacular parenting. I know single parents have to make shitty choices all the time, but, man, wasn't there a better way Leah's mom could have handled this?

Rebekah's awake, too, and she asks Leah to read to her from the bible. Leah regards the bible in a way I am abso shocked about, coming from the Lurleneverse!:

To Leah it had always sounded sort of farfetched. She knew virgins didn't get pregnant and remain virgins.

Leah, let's totes hang out when you get out of there, okay?

Rebekah's fam turns up to visit the next day: sixteen-year-old Charity and seventeen-year-old Ethan. (There are four more kids back at home.) Ethan's a hottie, of course, because this is the Lurleneverse. Charity's totally nice, though when she tells Leah she doesn't go to school anymore because she knows enough to be a wife and mother, Leah is totes horrified. YAY LEAH! I mean, I'm not dissing the Amish faith here; I'm dissing prescribed gender roles.

Ethan has totes been blowing Leah off, so she confronts him on this. He confesses:

"Dislike you?" He looked as if she'd slapped him. "I do not dislike you, Leah Lewis-Hall. I think that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever set my eyes upon."

Oh hell yeah! That's pretty hot, yeah? Even coming from the Amish.

Rebekah's getting better, and Charity insists it's all the praying, and not the medicine. Actually, there have been studies done that suggest praying does not improve the health of a patient. I know many find comfort in praying, and that's great, I'm just saying this doesn't exactly go along with facts. I know we are all equally shocked that Lurlene might write something that falls outside the boundaries of REALISM.

So this random night nurse shows up and attends to Rebekah, which makes Leah think maybe she wants to grow up and be a nurse! In this book, doctors suck and withhold information while nurses are awesome! While I agree nurses do seriously amazing work that I could never do, doctors aren't all bad! Also, generally in Lurlene's books, doctors are menfolk and nurses are womenfolk. OF COURSE.

Rebekah mentions this night nurse, Gabriella, to Molly the next day. Molly hasn't heard of Gabriella. DUM DUM DUMMMM!

Of course Ethan and Leah hang out, and of course he is made of awesome, though obviously HIS AMISHNESS SEPARATES THEM. Still, they obviously have FEELINGS for each other. In fact, when Leah finds out she has to have a biopsy on her finger and knee, something that should surprise NONE of you, Ethan promises to be there when she wakes up. Aw, Ethan, you're nice!

Gabriella visits Leah too, and tells her she reminds Molly of someone. Oh, all right then, random night nurse. In the morning Rebekah tells Leah that Gabriella says she'll be going home soon. Leah's, of course, happy for Rebekah but OH NOES will she see Ethan again? We've still got sixty pages left of the book, Leah, so I bet you will.

Of course Molly confides to Leah that she reminds her of her sister Emily, who died when she was only fourteen. FROM LEUKEMIA OF COURSE. (To be fair, I just learned the other day that leukemia is the most common disease kids die from! This blog is educating me so much, you guys!)

Ethan is, as promised, there when Leah's awake after her biopsy, even though by now Rebekah has gone home, and Charity helps him and Leah sneak off together, where they totally kiss. As far as the Lurleneverse goes, you guys, this one is pretty hot:

He lifted her chin with his forefinger and very slowly lowered his head until his mouth was only inches away. His breath smelled like cinnamon and felt warm on her skin. Gently he pressed his lips to hers, and she closed her eyes and sank into the velvet softness of it.

You guys, when I was sixteen, there were never hot Amish boys who wanted to mack on me. Alas!

The good times don't last for long, though. Leah's doctor shows up with an official diagnosis: osteogenic sarcoma, known as bone cancer. The next day her and the doctor and her mother have a conference call, and her mom just refuses to believe this. She won't allow the treatments to be started, and says Leah will get a second opinion once she's back from her honeymoon. Man, I think if I had a kid with cancer, even if I found the diagnosis difficult to accept, I'd rather err on the side of caution. Then again, I am not the dumbass Leah's mom has proven herself to be!

Another harsh blow! Molly tells Leah that there's no Gabriella on the staff, and she's probably some creep who gets off on hanging out with sick kids at night. That's hella scary, people! Then again, if you can dream a fetish, there's someone out there who's got it!

So Leah's mom and her new hubby Neil FINALLY show up, and even showing the x-rays to them and Leah won't change her mind. She insists the biopsy be done again. OH MY GOD SURE JUST LET THE CANCER LIKE A SILENCE GROW. The doctor also says sometimes amputations are necessary, and then Leah's mom flies off the handle, all "HOW DARE YOU WANT TO CHOP APART MY DAUGHTER?" and I think she's overreacting, because he said SOMETIMES, but then he's all, yeah, sucks, but that's the best thing to do, so basically I think that not only is Leah's mom an awful mother, but he's a terrible doctor for giving such vague medical advice. I'm sorry, but saying sometimes amputation is best as news that it's necessary is craptastic communication. Way to go! No wonder Lurlene only roots for the nurses in this one.

Leah's mom actually has a nice moment afterwards and apologizes for how she dealt with the whole sitch with Leah's grandmother, back in the day. Since she knows she made such a mistake, she tells Leah she won't make a mistake with this. Like, uh, leaving your daughter's cancer untreated? Oh, no, a DIFFERENT mistake. SORRY FOR MY MISUNDERSTANDING.

Ethan visits, and they smooch some more, and hang out until Leah falls asleep. When she awakens, someone's there, but it's not Ethan. It's creepy Gabriella!!!! Leah hits the call button right away, but Gabriella insists she isn't there to hurt Leah, but to help her. She tells her to go to the hospital library the next day to find a book Molly really wants. Also, she touches Leah's knee and her finger and does this whole "DO YOU WANT GOD TO MAKE YOU BETTER?" thing that I find really creepy, but I know it's supposed to be magical and wonderful.

WELL YOU TOTALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT?

The book that Leah and Ethan find in the library is EMILY'S DIARY that Molly has been looking for FOREVER. And the results come back and Leah's tumors have gotten smaller. And then SHE KNOWS. That's right, folks, Gabriella is an angel!!! And she totes cured Leah with some power from god! And then Leah's mom gets to get up in Leah's doctor's grill and be all SEE I TOLD YOU MY DAUGHTER WASN'T THAT SICK!

What a terrible friggin' lesson. I'm sorry, if you get diagnosed with cancer, there is probably not an angel who's going to cure you, and the mistake made would not be errant chemo, but IGNORING A SERIOUS MEDICAL CONDITION AGAINST THE ADVICE OF MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS. I find it really troubling that Lurlene wrote a book where basically doctors are the enemy.

By the end of the book, Leah's totally into the bible, of course! Okay, I guess a magic curing angel might change my beliefs too, and, ugh, I know this is technically inspirational fiction, but after all the volumes Lurlene has devoted to painstakingly realistic medical crap, what a friggin' cop-out. I know it sucks that all of Lurlene's heroines tend to die, but is this really the way to save them? Lurlene, you've let me down in yet another new way! I'm gonna have to console myself with some teen magazines.

A Beautiful Photo Essay

2008-03-18T23:17:00.000-07:00

In searching for an image for an upcoming recap, I stumbled upon what basically amounts to a photo essay of Lurlene! The essay starts with Lurlene as a young child with her parents and brother:

Lurlene and her brother were total hotties!:

Lurlene visits, for some reason, a Moroccan rug room:

Lurlene's got a snazzy office, of course:

Also, the McDaniel boys managed to marry total hotties. I wonder if they won them over with the kind of dialogue boys love spewin' in the pages of their mom's books?

Be sure to check out the whole thing!

Sex or success, take your pick, or Too Young to Die

2008-03-16T22:58:00.000-07:00

Too Young to Die (published 1989) was one of the Lurlene books I read early on in my Lurlene obsession. I have really vivid memories of reading this one (and its sequel I haven't tracked down yet, but hopefully I'll be reviewing it soon) at my parents' restaurant and loving it SO MUCH. This is always a huge warning sign; apparently young Ames was not to be trusted.

I do think this was Lurlene's first real attempt at writing a cancer book, and the reason I picked this one up in the first place this time around was that I'd just started the first Dawn Rochelle book, and I was all "OH MAN I HAVE SEEN THIS ALL BEFORE" so I figured I'd just go back to the beginning and take it from there. I mean, Dawn Rochelle can wait, right? The girl's got five books; I doubt she's going anywhere.

So, right, Too Young to Die. I scoured the web high and low, but I couldn't find the edition I grew up with. So here's what we've got to work with:

The book spends a lot of time telling us how pretty our protag, Melissa, is, so it's kind of sad they just put a really nondescript girl on the cover. If you want me to buy ravishing beauty, cover designer, you've got to GIVE ME ravishing beauty. Then again, you want me to think the hunky dude is, well, a hunk, and this guy's, like, hey, I just got my first job, and it's CASUAL FRIDAY!

UPDATED: the lovely and talented snappleaddict scanned me the cover I'd been searching for!:

Wow, could he be giving her a creepier look? As you'll soon see, no matter if this guy is supposed to be the boyfriend or the brother, that's pretty damn accurate.

Oh, right, do you guys want to know what the publishers want us to THINK this book is about? Here we go!:

At sixteen, Melissa Austin has always worked hard to make things go her way. As the school year begins, her grades are up and she's even landed a coveted spot on the high school Brain Bowl team. She and her best friend, Jory Delaney, are determined to have the best junior year ever.

But suddenly Melissa receives devastating news about her health. At first she refuses to accept the doctor's diagnosis, but as her illness gets worse she cannot deny the truth. The caring and closeness Melissa feels toward her family and especially toward Jory help her find the inner strength and courage to face the mysteries of living and dying.

Man, if there's anything I've learned from the Lurleneverse (and noted by Genevieve as well), the second your life starts to go as well as good grades and Brain Bowl (is that like being a mathlete?), you're gonna catch the cancer, no way out of it.

The book opens with Melissa and her BFF Jory getting up at 4 a.m. to help Melissa's brother fly his hot air balloon. Probably the technical term isn't "fly" but, you guys, I am not sitting here and researching proper hot air balloon terminology for you. My love only runs so deep. Just deal with it! Jory's going on and on and on about how hot Melissa's brother is and how baddddddddd she wants him, and Melissa just teases her instead of being all grossed out like I would be. This is probably because Melissa is obviously ALSO in love with her brother. Seriously, you guys, she can't shut up about him. Here are some excerpts:

He was dressed in well-worn jeans, and his black hair was still damp from a shower, all five foot ten of him smelling of clean, fresh soap.

. . .

Michael turned his sapphire-blue eyes toward her. Sometimes looking at him was like looking into a mirror. He had the same square face, high, angular cheekbones, and dark eyebrows as she.

. . .

Michael stood and stretched, his physique rippling with muscle.

That first passage in particular reminded me of this gross Sweet Valley High moment between Jess and Steven, quoted over at the Dairi Burger:

“Could you zip up my dress, please?”

. . .

“Sure” Steven said good-naturedly. He walked up to his sister, who was now standing before the full length mirror on the back of his closet door. He bent his six-one body over the zipper. It took a little maneuvering, but he finally managed to zip up the dress without damaging the delicate fabric.

Seriously, ghostwriter, I never, ever want to imagine Steven bending all six-foot-one of his body over Jessica.

As for that second passage, it's a little Chris and Cathy, yeah? Ewwww.

And as for the third? Well, geez, I've been won over. Now even I am hopelessly attracted to Michael. Oh, let me tell you guys some more about Michael. He's in community college, he works TWO JOBS so he can have a nice life and help out his poor, single, working mother, and he hot-air-balloons for fun.

So the first clue we're supposed to get that Melissa is illllllll is that she's draggin' her ass out of bed while Jory's all good morrrrrrrrrrrning! It's four a.m.! If being barely able to get out of bed at four a.m. means you have leukemia, I think almost everyone I know must have leukemia.

Actually, Melissa gets more symptoms in one page than anyone I've ever met in the Lurleneverse. In ONE PAGE she's got dark circles under her eyes, tons of unexplained bruising, fatigue, and uncontrollable bleeding. DUDE MELISSA THIS ISN'T GOOD. Also, this is PAGE TWO. Also every other second Lurlene mentions Melissa's waist-length dark brown hair, and you know any book that talks about long flowing luscious shining gleaming streaming flaxen-waxen hair is ready to chemo it all out.

Michael's all in love with the world post-balloon ride:

"It's incredible--high above the earth, seeing the world like a bird does. Man, it's almost better than--" He caught himself, glancing self-consciously at Jory.

"Better than sex?" Melissa finished drolly, quoting one of his frequently used descriptive phrases. "I wouldn't know."

"You better not."

Ew, Michael, shut up. You are not your sister's hymen's keeper.

So Michael is not into Jory at all, because she's rich and occasionally mentions she went somewhere fancy or, I dunno, shows up places in her nice car. It's really dumb; Jory's sixteen and can't help that her parents have money. She's super-nice and generous, so why does it make her a bad person? Okay, now I hate you, Michael, despite all your hard work and your rippling physique.

Jory encourages Melissa to be more into boys, but she's all I R VRY SRS STUDENT so because she wants to focus on her PSATs she apparently can't be into boys too. Whatever, fine. I have met people like this so I'll give it a pass even though it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, as boys can generally exist in the same world as good grades and PSATs. But then Melissa's occasionally mentioning all the dates she's been on in the past, etc., and I don't think it's very consistent. Anyone who has dated enough to refer to it like that isn't someone who doesn't get that you can date AND study. I guess the Lurleneverse is one of those places where all boys and girls date starting really young and go out on those totes proper date-dates, the kinds I don't think any high-schooler has been on in like two decades, yeah? Yeah. What a shock, the Lurleneverse not lining up with the reality I've lived through, right?

Despite this, Melissa is soooo into this dude named Brad. He's all RICH and HANDSOME, but also once Melissa is offered a spot on the Brain Bowl, he is too, so, wow, he is RICH and HANDSOME and SMART. If he's nice to his mother and not the keeper of anyone's hymen, I would say he officially wins out over Michael. Freaking Michael!

Melissa's mom isn't crazy about all the studying she's doing. Oh my god, Ms. Austin, you're a terrible mother! WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THAT EVER?:

"I want to go to college."

Her mother sighed. [OH MY GOD YEAH THAT IS SOOO UNREASONABLE.] "How did I ever end up with success-oriented kids? [Obviously not by leading through example.] All I wanted to do when I was your age was get married."

"I want it all, Mom. Lots of women have careers and families. [Not in the Lurleneverse, sweetie.] Why can't I do both? [Uh, bruises, fatigue, bleeding, your brother's close watch on your virginity....] You do."

"I had to," her mother reminded her. "I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and raise babies. But, when I did have to go to work, it would have been much easier if I'd had an education to fall back on. [Wait, what?] As it was, I started at the bottom."

Shorter Ms. Austin: My life would have been a lot better with a college education so why do you want one? UM MS. AUSTIN DOESN'T THAT ACTUALLY MEAN YOU AGREE WITH YOUR DAUGHTER? You're an idiot; I don't think an undergraduate degree could have fixed that.

Jory shows up for dinner; since her parents are rich that means they're never home and don't actually love her. I read this sentence a few times but I'm still confused:

[Jory's] auburn curls were streaked with hair paint, and her outfit was straight out of a fashion magazine.

Can you guys PLEASE tell me what hair paint is? I have to know! Is it like that hair mascara? I totally remember that from the 1990s. What else could it be? Also why would Jory have a totally normal ensemble for school but then paint up her hair for dinner at the Austins? Oh, right, I bet she was hoping Michael was there. God, Jory, I actually really like you, but haven't you figured out by now Michael will not be impressed by such attempts as HAIR PAINT.

After their first grueling week of school, Jory invites Melissa over for a movie night. This book is so dated, check it out!:

"You're ruining your table," [Melissa] noted irritably.

Jory shrugged. "The maid will clean it tomorrow. [Oh those rich bitches and their maids!] Are we going to watch movies or blabber?"

"Which TV? The one in your room, the den, or the family room?" Melissa asked, knowing that the irony of the question would be lost on Jory. Didn't every house have three TVs?

UH YES MELISSA ANY MORE THEY ACTUALLY DO. Mine has five that are used regularly, and a few more in storage. I have seen the future, and it makes Jory Delaney's TV set-up quite unimpressive!

Melissa, of course, falls asleep early and sleeps in late, which is basically me on many weekends too, because I am old, and also because giant Mexican dinners tend to do that to a girl. So if you guys wake up late on Saturday mornings, review and assess: Did I have Mexican last night? If yes, whew! If no, CANCER CANCER CANCER.

They spend the day at the country club where Jory's a member BECAUSE SHE'S RICH. Guess who's there? Brad! Him and Melissa walk off on their own and get all flirty, even though Melissa is terrified. Again, this is why I hate all the mentions of all the dates Melissa's been on. Sure, it's scarier when it's someone you're TOTES INTO because there's, like, all this pressure on it to be AWESOME but GEEZ Melissa does NOT strike me as having tons of boy experience. Also I spoke to Michael and he confirmed with some official hymen reports. Thanks, Michael.

I actually like Brad but then he gets kind of creepy:

"Melissa." His voice went low and quiet. "Can I unbraid your hair?"

Flustered by his request and change of subject she stammered. "Y-Yes. If you want."

He reached over her shoulder and pulled the tightly wound braid forward, unclasping the gold clip. She couldn't tear her eyes from his face, couldn't stop the emotions and sensations pouring through her body. Brad unwound the plait slowly, dragging his fingers through the thick, dark masses of her hair until the strands fell loose and free. He sifted it through his fingers like sand, gathering it into handfuls. A breeze spun wispy strands across her face. "God, you have beautiful hair." His whisper sounded worshipful.

OF COURSE IT DID. Ew, I don't want to read about Fetish Boy and his desire to fuck Melissa's hair. I mean, I know this is only here so we can be all "OH NOES" in a few chapters, but, grrross.

Meanwhile, teachers have noticed all the bruises on Melissa and assume her mom's beating her. I guess that's good to have teachers who'd notice! I didn't go to a very good high school; I probably could have come in with a bunch of black eyes and my arm in a cast and gotten zero response. Oh, crap, does this explain why I started dying my hair all those wacky colors; WAS I JUST AFTER SOME ADULT ATTENTION? Pardon me while I reexamine my life in style.

Of course Ms. Austin, while being a shitty mother in other ways, wasn't beating Melissa, so Melissa has to go to the doctor to figure out what's going on. If this book was set fifteen years in the future, Melissa the brainiac would be using the hell out of Mayo Clinic and would already see her diagnosis all laid out for her. Honestly, I can't believe she's this much of a genius and can't figure this one out as it is.

While getting tested, this dude stops by Melissa's room:

"I'd heard from the nurses that there was a fox on the floor. [Geez, way to be unprofessional, nurses!] They didn't lie." The male voice coming from her doorway startled Melissa so completely that the brush fell from her grip [again, with the hair, god, could she nail this one in any more?] and clattered to the floor. In the doorway stood a stranger, surveying her with an insolent, wolfish grin.

Then the chapter ends. INTRIGUE! Wolfish? Is he a Special? Luckily, the next chapter picks up right where we left off, all Dan Brown-style again, so we don't have to wonder for long. He's just some dude named Ricter Davis, Ric for short. Ricter? THE HELL? Whose name is RICTER? I agree with the commenter who wants to see the weird-ass name book Lurlene uses. By the way, are there other writers who read this? Have you ever bought yourself a name book? Man, it's awful, I'm always like, "crap, do I look fat in this or do I look pregnant? I'm just a writer who needs help with names!" Luckily the internet has eliminated my need for those embarrassing scenarios.

Ricter's all "THE TESTS DON'T HURT AS MUCH AS THE RESULTS DO" and runs off, well, as much as he can run with one leg and two crutches. God, I hate him, he's all straight out of a Sarah Dessen book with ALL THE INFORMATION but not sharing it.

Thing is, he's right! Ruh roh! Melissa's got leukemia! Oh noes!

Ric shows up again with this observation:

"Jesus, you're pretty."

There was a sadness in his whispered words she didn't understand. "So what? What do my looks have to do with anything?"

"Just an observation."

Duh, Melissa, only ugly people are supposed to get cancer. Also:

"Too bad about your hair."

"What about it?"

"The chemo will take it. It'll take it all."

HOW DOES MELISSA NOT ALREADY KNOW THIS? I swear this was the FIRST thing I knew about cancer treatments! And I didn't qualify for any Brain Bowl action.

The book then, like, totes skims over the first weeks of treatment at double-speed, which is weird considering the painstakingly detailed narration of all the symptoms and tests. Geez, Lurlene, you're letting your medical fetishism slip. I guess there's only room for so much fetish in one book? Seriously, I bet this book is held aloft in hair-worship societies.

Once the hair's gone, Jory the awesome BFF shows up with some silk scarves for Melissa to wear. Melissa's all OMG THESE COST IN THE DOUBLE-DIGITS which made me giggle. I know back then that was a lot to spend but ha! It isn't weird at all for me to buy a friend a gift totalling in the double-digits, and none of my friends have even have worship-worthy hair that fell out due to leukemia treatments.

Melissa writes this journal entry:

I met a little girl today named Rachael. She's four and she has cancer, too. She thought I was very old, being sixteen, and I thought she was very sweet and too young for these things they're putting us through at the hospital. She asked me if I was a mommy. Of course, I'm not. But I can't help wondering if I ever will be. Who will want to make love to me now that I'm sick? What would it be like to have a baby grow inside of me? Will I ever know?

I thought this was actually pretty realistic, and I did like that Lurlene dealt with Melissa wondering if anyone would ever want to sleep with her. Isn't that how we deal with so much of the traumas life throws at us? Go Lurlene for not just going with "who will love me now" or "who'll marry me now"! This book is weirdly sexual. God, what a relief. I mean, hello, teenagers + drama? If some hormones don't show up I'd be concerned.

So Melissa's doing better so she gets to go home before she achieves remission. Yay! From how I understand it, kids don't have to have these terribly long stays for leukemia anymore, not that I'm some expert. I'm just trying to know what the hell I'm talking about so I can provide you lovely people with some insightful information.

Melissa takes her PSATs waaaay before she should be back at school, but of course still hits the 98th percentile. Go Melissa! She then gets to go back to school, which is tough, even though she's wearing a wig of artificial, shorter hair. Everyone's all "oh, man, sucks you had to cut your hair" like WHY THE HELL DO THESE PEOPLE NOT KNOW ABOUT CHEMO? No wonder Melissa achieved Brain Bowl so easily.

Sadly, Brad's met some new girl, which upsets Melissa even though she knows she has no chance anymore. This seems pretty realistic to me; I'm glad even though Brad was a semi-cool guy with a hair fetish, he acted the way a lot of kids would have acted. What can I say? Occasionally Lurlene strikes realism.

One day Melissa leaves school to be greeted by Ric. You guys ready for the creepy?"

"How did you find me?"

"I watched the school empty and kept an eye out for the pretty girls. I'd almost given up."

"I had Brain Bowl drill."

He glanced to the side. "Actually, I've waited for you before, but you always seemed to be with that girlfriend of yours."

Oh man, he's so straight out of a Sarah Dessen novel, stalking her into submission. Of COURSE Melissa starts dating him, basically because he's all "NO ONE ELSE WILL UNDERSTAND YOU LIKE I DOOOOO CANCER CANCER WE BOTH HAVE CANCER". Michael doesn't approve, because Ric's nineteen, and apparently poses a real threat to Melissa's hymen, but Jory thinks it's great. Melissa journals that Ric and his college friends are ultra-casual about sex, and everyone assumes they're doing it, even though they aren't. This is handled pretty well, actually, Melissa isn't casting judgment on anyone who is or thinks she is. Yay Melissa! Not being ready to have sex doesn't make her anti-sex, so I'm totally behind her.

Ric, though, is another story:

[After some making out.] "Let's go inside," she said to him while her mind swirled and spun with the sensations his touch was arousing."

"All right," he said, his voice husky. "But I won't always let you back off this way, Melissa. I'm not some high school kid, and I know what I want."

Melissa doesn't knee him in the groin like she should, she's just all, yeahhhh I understand. This is so gross. "Won't always let you back off"? Does that translate to "sooner or later I'm gonna rape you"? This is so wrong; I can't believe this is accepted. If I was writing this book, Melissa and Jory would team up to teach Ric a lesson about threatening girls with sex. Also, how does that make any girl actually WANT to do it? Ric, I hope the next time you try that line on a girl she shows you what's what.

So Ric asks Melissa away for Spring Break, and this is what he says:

"Ric... I don't--" She stopped, groping for the right words. "I mean... I've never...."

"I know you haven't, Melissa. But when you do, I want it to be with me."

OH MY GOD RIC YOU ARE SO FUCKING CREEPY. He couldn't phrase it in a way that suggests he actually wants to have sex with Melissa, noooo, he wants Melissa to give it up to him. Helloooo control issues. Ric is so getting sued for sexual harassment at a future job.

Melissa thinks it over and decides against it. I wish I could say that's because she realizes Ric is a disgusting control freak who thinks he can use force to get what he wants, but, no:

"Before I got leukemia, I had so many plans. I wanted to make the Brain Bowl team--no junior has ever made the final panel. I wanted to be a National Merit Scholar. I wanted to go to college and study law. I wanted so many things, Ric."

. . .

"But I still want those things, Ric. In spite of everything that's happened."

"What's that got to do with our spending the weekend together?"

"You aren't my only option in life, Ric. Please don't make me your only one."

Okay, I half-agree with her. Ric is all basically "YOU MUST BE WITH ME BECAUSE OF THE CANCER CANCER CANCER WE ARE EACH OTHER'S ONLY OPTIONSSSS" and that is NO reason to be in a relationship. That said, I have it on good authority you can have sex in high school and still GO TO COLLEGE and STUDY LAW. The implication sex limits your options is so, so wrong and soooo anti-sex I want to puke. After so many really refreshing mentions of sex in this book, I was so annoyed to have it all come down to SEX IN HIGH SCHOOL IS BAD EVEN IF YOU WANT TO AND TAKE PRECAUTIONS. Ugh, Lurlene, you've let me down yet again!

Melissa fights to stay on the Brain Bowl team, and wins, and is all set for her first big match. Jory shows up to go with her, and Melissa's thrilled Jory has traded in her funky clothes for "polished sophistication". Ugh. Jory's sixteen! Isn't it too early to worry about such things, honestly? If there are any sixteen-year-olds reading this, revel in your time to wear whatever you want, okay? A few short years from now you could be stuck in corporate dress-code hell, and you're going to really regret the years lost to polished sophistication.

Jory presents Melissa with a gift, which is a super-expensive wig made of human hair (ew, paging Chris March!) that looks just like her old hair. I do wish the lesson learned could have been that Melissa is just as beautiful without it, but, whatever, it's the sweetest thing in the world that Jory did it for her. And on that note, the book ends. OH MY GOD MELISSA SURVIVED! Smart move being the protag, Melissa. Knowing your BFF narrates the sequel, I'm a bit concerned.

Publication Dates

2008-03-15T10:59:00.000-07:00

I got a great suggestion in the comments that I should be including publication dates in the recaps, because it really does make a difference when you're comparing a book from the eighties to something published only two years ago. Since I am jumping around to books as I get them, and only paying attention to dates as far as getting through a series in order, this is a great idea. I have gone through all the old recaps and included a publication date, so now you know!

It is kind of strange to me she's a current YA author; when I compare her to the YA writers I really love, that sort of breaks my brain.

Sex + Wal*Mart = death, or Briana's Gift

2008-03-15T00:33:00.000-07:00

You guys, in case you ever worry I don't really love you, I'd like to tell you how I got the next few books I'll be recapping, including this one. I recently left my job, unbeknownst at first to my well-connected friend Kristy, who had just sent off a package containing several Lurlene tomes.

So, yeah, today I had to drive through security, show my old badge, deal with the awk!ward that is the post-employment trip to a former employer, all the while I just hoped and prayed no one had opened up the package before calling me to make sure it didn't contain work materials. (Luckily no one had, or basically I could never talk to any of these people again.)

That's right, people, I went through ALL OF THAT just to retrieve material for this here blog, including both A) one of the most-requested series and B) one of the books I was most eager to read as I was so decidedly certain it would anger me to a boiling rage forcing me to take action in the form of, oh, god, probably just hitting the caps lock key a lot.

That book in question is Briana's Gift (published 2006). Why, Ames, you ask, why were you so predisposed to hypothetical anger? Well, gee, friends, let me tell you!:

Thirteen-year-old Sissy's mother always said that Sissy's sixteen-year-old sister marched to the beat of a different drummer. But it isn't until Briana runs away with an older boy that Sissy begins to understand what her mother meant. When Briana returns home alone and pregnant, Sissy and her mother try to help Briana come to terms with her options.

As if helping Briana make choices weren't complicated enough, things suddenly change again. After Briana becomes critically ill, Sissy's mother sees only one next step, but Sissy feels she must try to persuade her mother to make a different decision. Sissy needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy, and at the holiday season it seems more important than ever. Can Sissy make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

OH MY GOD YOU GUYS THERE IS TEEN PREGNANCY AND A CRITICAL ILLNESS OMGOMGOMG AMAZING.

Wow, total sidenote, you guys, before delving into what an anti-choice and anti-sex nightmare I was convinced this book was after reading only these two paragraphs. I went to Amazon to grab that synopsis - something I always hurry through, lest I notice something like the reviewer who proclaimed Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep as "THE BEST BOOK EVER!" - I saw this blurb:

About the Author Lurlene McDaniel is the #1 author of inspirational fiction for young adults. The author lives in Chattanooga, TN.

Wha-aaat? The NUMBER ONE AUTHOR of INSPIRATIONAL FICTION? I mean, let's not profess I'm some expert on the "inspirational" genre, even if I've sat through more than my fair share of faith-based marketing meetings, but just because Lurlene always includes something like "it's okay I'm dying because I get to go meet god and my dead relatives" and a quote from the Bible, does that actually qualify her books as inspirational? I would hope there's more to that label than just, you know, dying a beautiful virgin accepting of her fate (and her virginity).

Also, weirdly enough, the synopsis on Amazon has a different second paragraph, and it's INACCURATE:

It was already complicated to think about Briana's choices and then things change suddenly again. When Briana is in a serious accident, Casey's mother sees things one way. Although Casey understands her mother's reaction, she feels she must try to convince her mother to make a different decision. Casey needs to grow up fast and do what she can to maintain Briana's legacy. Will she be able to make her mother understand that there is only one way to accept Briana's gift?

Uhhh, Briana isn't IN a serious accident. THE HELL? Was that just a lucky guess from the dude in charge of synopses? He probably spins a wheel when writing these. Teenager, working mother, car accident, guess that's it!

More importantly, though: WHO THE HELL IS CASEY???? Okay, basically this is boggling my little mind. This is apparently off the hardcover edition, so if I ever see it in person, I'm gonna see why the hell the back cover professes that the protag is named Casey. Is her name Casey throughout the whole book? Why did it change? This is CRAZY.

Oh, and here's the beautiful cover:

Wow, this is super ugly! There's an ugly cardigan sweater, an ugly gift I already feel is WAY TOO LITERAL, and the title spelled out via a cutesy baby bracelet. TOO MANY COMPONENTS. Also I know I haven't gotten into it yet, but what is with that Lurlene logo? She's had the cursive name logo hovering over her works for years and years and years now. It must feel good for your name to be a branded logo. I just hope if it ever happens for me that I get a better font.

So right away we meet Sissy, who's fourteen. (I have ALWAYS hated the name Sissy. I know it's a nickname, but, ugh. Sorry to any Sissys out there who may be reading this. It's not you; it's just your name. Kisses!) Her sixteen-year-old sister Briana, like the synopsis tells us, marches to the beat of her own drummer. I don't know if that really means what Lurlene thinks it means. I mean, Briana is just kind of a wild child, smoking and sexing and all of that, it's not like she wears earrings made out of junk food or whatever. Briana's blowing this popsicle stand!

Okay, I don't want to concern you guys for my sanity, which is a subject I now worry about with the unemployment and the hours spent watching TV on DVD with nary a soul in sight who isn't feline or canine, but either Lurlene got a new and improved editor or that whole "writing is a craft that will improve if you keep doing it" thing is true. The dialogue still grates a bit, but some of this prose is sort of good. Okay, decent? Good. It's not choppy, I'm not cringing, and there are bits of description where I'm actually all "ooh, I like what she did there". I KNOW I KNOW I'M SORRY. You want a little? I'll give you a little:

"Where are you going?" I ask. I'm sprawled on the softa watching a cartoon and eating Cheetos. I like the old cartoons; plus, it's a good way to spend a Saturday until Mom makes me do my chores, which wasn't going to happen until she came home from the store. My fingers are covered with orange Cheetos dust and I lick them. [GodDAMN now I want some Cheetos. If my roommate Dawn Rochelle is reading this, pick some up for me on your way home from work.]

Bree scowls. "That's disgusting." She looks out the high glass window of the door. "I'm leaving."

. . .

Bree laughs and kisses [her boyfriend]. She says to me, "Go inside, Sissy."

I'm still wearing my sleep T-shirt and my legs and feet are bare. The cold has sliced right through me and frozen me to the porch.

Bree shoots Jerry an apologetic look, runs back and puts her arms around me. "It'll be all right, Sissy. I know what I'm doing."

I feel all hollow, scared too. I don't want my sister to leave.

"I'll send you postcards."

I stand still, my arms glued to my sides, fighting hard not to cry. I'm careful not to touch her with my disgusting orange fingers.

I'm sorry, you guys, I can't hate on this. It flows so nicely, and for once it seems like a fourteen-year-old is actually narrating, not your kooky old aunt who's convinced she's down with whatever the kids are.

Since Sissy and Briana's dad died long ago in a factory accident, now Sissy and her mom are left alone. Sissy reports that her mom has "this bad kind of arthritis" which, dude, how grateful are you for that description? Has there ever been a girl in the Lurleneverse before, a protagonist, at that, who has a relative with a medical condition and doesn't know every friggin' detail about it? Nope, not that I'm aware of! I swear, had Lurlene written this one ten years earlier there would be three pages devoted to the discovery of the condition, the doctor visits and diagnosis, the treatment, and the prognosis. NOPE JUST ONE SENTENCE OMG LURLENE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU IT'S LIKE I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE.

Sissy's mom isn't really that freaked about all of this. She's all, shrug, whatever, she'll come back. Sissy shouts:

"Call the sheriff, Mom. You can stop them."

Wait, call the... sheriff? What the hell? What fourteen year old busts out with that? Very strange. You're on notice, Lurlene. Luckily Sissy's mom is all, yeah, whatever, as soon as he leaves her, she'll be back. Right now I can't help but love the hell out of Sissy's mom! Sissy's all cute and fourteen about it, saying, "But if they're married..." and her mom's all YEAH THAT'LL MAKE IT LAST.

OH MY GOD REALISTIC UNDERSTANDING OF TEEN MARRIAGE WHO AM I READING AGAIN WHAAAAT!

Ha ha, I don't want to jump for joy TOO much. Once Sissy launches into more expositiony stuff about Bree, she mentions Bree lovvvved teen magazines:

She bought teen magazines about cool kids in cool places and read them for hours.

WHAT IS IT WITH LURLENE AND TEEN MAGAZINES. You people, I have to make a new category, don't I? GodDAMN Lurlene.

Sissy has two best friends, a boy named Stuart Ableman (he's JEWISH!) and Melody Wallace. They seem like normal kids, though Melody's a little shallow and dumb for my taste. I'm sure she's super into teen magazines too. Whatever, I'm not some girl named Sissy. She can pick her own friends.

So guess who's back? That's right, it's Bree! Sissy's all HOLY CRAP but of course their mom barely bats an eyelash. This stuff all seems so friggin' real, you guys, which wigs me out. WHO ACTUALLY WROTE THIS BOOK?

Sissy wants to know why Bree's back, if she's so unhappy there. Uhh, Sissy, have you looked at the housing costs for southern California? Actually, that's not why Bree's back:

Moisture fills her eyes. "I'm pregnant, Sissy. I'm a cliché - barefoot and pregnant, with no place else to go."

Ruh-roh!

Also, the amazing thing is that the chapter ends RIGHT THERE and the next begins with the very next line of dialogue. How Dan fucking Brown of you, Lurlene.

"Pregnant! But you're not married."

I start getting angry at this line BUT--

As soon as the words are out of my mouth, I bite my tongue. What a stupid thing to say! I feel my face go flaming red. "Sorry," I say. "I must have had a brain disconnect."

Dude, what an... acceptable reaction. Who are you, ghost writer, and what did you do with my Lurlene?

No one wants to say the a-word, of course:

I've had sex education in school so I know what her options are. I swallow hard. "You're not going to... I mean, you're not thinking about--"

The word you're look for is ABORTION, Sissy. Ha! It's now a name and an insult.

So Sissy goes to hang out with Stu and Melody at the pool, where she runs into some nosy-ass girl from school:

"Do [Stu] and Melody have a thing?"

"A thing?" The question catches me totally off guard.

"You know, are they together? Is he her BF?"

Does anyone actually say "BF" for boyfriend? I thought BF was totes "best friend", as in BFF, yeah? Or am I just getting old?

Anyways, Sissy's not thrilled about these rumors, not liking the gossip OR the possibility. OH MY GOD A NORMAL REACTION TO YOUR BEST FRIENDS POSSIBLY DATING EACH OTHER. You guys, I also just realized the reason this narrative works so much better is it's in first-person, which lends itself really well to the story. Has Lurlene ever written another book in first-person POV? So now we've got better writing than ever and a totally different POV. I'd actually cry out "GHOSTWRITER!" except I feel like if Lurlene was trying to fake us out with some poor sap having to pretend to be her, this book would actually be rife with Lurlene standards. Right? Like the V.C. Andrews oeuvre went from bad to parody under the heavy hand of the ghostwriter.

Man, have I overthought this one.

So Sissy and Bree's mom is totes unhappy about the baby sitch, and is grilling Bree on how she's going to handle this. I think she could be a BIT more supportive, honestly; then again, I didn't raise some wild child who's never handled responsibility well and now thinks she can raise a kid. It's a tricky subject, I'll say that much. No, Bree hasn't proven herself in the past, but she wants to be a mom to this kid; shouldn't she be supported, at least emotionally?

I hate the mom even more when she takes Sissy and Bree to Chattanooga for Bree's first obstetrician appointment:

Mom insists we all go to the exam room, where we meet a woman obstetrician [you know what I call women obstetricians? OBSTETRICIANS!] named Dr. Wehrenberg.

OMG are there any midwesterners reading this? Do you guys remember the old Wehrenberg Theaters theme song? It is so awesomely bad. I wanted you guys to hear (or rehear) it so badly I went to YouTube and searched for it. Please ignore the video content; I've no frigging clue why it features clips from Fred Claus and the Spiderwick Chronicles:

Oh, man, it's so earwormy. Also now I'm homesick. FOR THE PAST.

She gives me a questioning look and Mom says, "I want Sissy to hear what you have to say."

OH MAN I AM SO ANGRY AT YOU, MOM. Putting Bree in this position is so fucking unfair. She's scared enough; let's not make her go through her first appointment with her little sister in the room who is being shown her as an example as what NOT to be. GodDAMN this is wrong. You know, if she wants to talk to Sissy AT SOME OTHER TIME AT SOME OTHER PLACE WITHOUT BREE IN THE ROOM about how obviously difficult this is for Bree and how to prevent this there are all sorts of birth control and also the option of abstinence, FINE, but this is so gross and unfair, and, Bree, I'm so sorry your mom's such a wench.

Bree gets a job at Wal*Mart so she can earn a living, which I guess is as good an option as any in small-town America when you don't even have your high school diploma. At least she's being responsible!! This news spreads fast because small towns are lame and have nothing better to talk about, so Stu mentions to Sissy maybe he'll get a job there over the Christmas holiday, since he's Jewish and he doesn't really, ya know, give a shit. I LOVE THAT LURLENE WROTE A LOVABLE JEWISH CHARACTER! I was afraid he'd either be rife with stereotypes or, ya know, never shut up about the Holocaust, but Lurlene just made him a normal kid. THIS BOOK IS BLOWING MY MIND. Sissy's still jealous and weird every time Stu mentions Melody, which, YAAAAY REALISM. Also, hello, welcome to me as a kid.

Bree luckily gets to go to her next appointment alone, and she comes home thrilled to announce the baby's a girl. How does Mommy McMeanie react?:

"How are you going to take care of her, Briana?"

OH MY GOD JUST SAY ONE NICE THING GEEZ. Of course she calls an adoption agency and sends an agent over to chat with Bree. I am a really big supporter of women getting to have children only WHEN they want, so this makes me angry, because Bree really has come to want this baby, and her mom isn't being cool. I'm not saying Bree's in an ideal position, but, please, there are many worse things than a seventeen-year-old having a baby she really wants.

So, of course, this is the Lurleneverse, albeit a bizarro one, so Bree collapses at work! And, sadly, it isn't just an allergic reaction to working in the most heinous of all the chain stores, she had a brain aneurysm. Lurlene is sooo happy here to get to delve into her comfort zone, the medical fetishism we've all grown to expect. Blah blah, brain dead, blah blah, machines keeping her alive, blah blah blah.

We all know where this is going, yeah? The baby's too young to deliver, so Mommy McMeanie
has to decide whether or not to keep Bree alive long enough for the baby to be born healthy. Oh, man, what a sticky ethical situation. Since the child was really wanted by Bree, I'm okay with Mommy McMeanie deciding to keep Bree on the machines, but of course I'm a little wigged out with women being used only as baby incubators. Like I said, though, this is a situation where, to me, it seems okay. Also, considering Mommy McMeanie's previous feelings on the baby, I think that showed a lot of courage for her.

Mommy McMeanie tells Sissy she can be the one to name the baby, so while out Christmas shopping with the constant-foot-in-her-mouth Melody, Sissy buys a baby name book. Aw, I like this plotline. I mean, not Melody, but didn't many of us have a super-annoying friend at that age who, years later, we recognize as total mess? Naming the baby, though, that's really nice. Of course, I'm a little nervous Mommy McMeanie is just doing this to placate Sissy for now, and the name will be little more than how it goes on the birth certificate before she hands the kid off to some agency-approved set of adoptive parents. Hey, I'm not saying this is particularly a bad option; Sissy's just a kid, and Mommy has rheumatoid arthritis, so the baby is going to make life VERY tough on them. I just don't want to see Sissy's heart broken even more than it already is, with Bree brain dead.

Bree develops an infection, so the baby has to be delivered earlier than optimal. And Bree dies. Man, this is actually sad, you guys! The baby's fighting for her life, and they have a funeral for Bree. After the funeral, Sissy tags along with Stu to a school function, ready for any normalcy to take her mind off of the hell that is her life.

Of course she totes jumps Stu, and he's all THE FUCK? Oh, god, it's so embarrassing and sad; I hoped at least she'd get some smooching to make up for the crapload life has dumped on her, but instead Stu is just nice enough to pretend it never happened. Fine, yeah, this is waaaaay more likely how it actually would go, but I was for once hoping for a nice little only-in-books moment.

Sissy's spending all her spare time at the hospital with the baby, who's luckily, despite her birth into the Lurleneverse, getting healthier and stronger all the time. GO BABY! One day Sissy arrives to find that schemin' adoption agent there. OH NOES YOU GUYS! Actually, why am I rooting for Sissy and her mom to take home this baby? I have totally fallen prey to the mindset of the Lurleneverse! Send help before it's too late!

Because that's not shitty enough, Mel and Stu take her aside to tell her they've actually been going out since the summer. OH MY GOD NOT COOL YOU GUYS. Poor, poor Sissy. If you were real I would totally take you out for some totally unhealthy food, and commiserate because I have soooo been there. Being this age really sucks.

Mommy McMeanie's heart grows three sizes, and the baby comes home for Christmas! Yay!! Mel and Stu chip in to send over a Christmas tree, which helps Sissy get through her anger, sadness, and heartbreak (I mean, as far as they're concerned), and Sissy decides on the name Briana Noel, to be called Noel, for the baby. IT'S KIND OF LOVELY. I seriously can't believe I sort of enjoyed this book.

Just remember, guys, the danger grows: it turns out it isn't just virgins who have to fear death in the Lurleneverse. Beware, my friends, beware!

Top Ten Rules for Surviving in the Lurleneverse

2008-03-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

Lovely reader Genevieve sent me this awesome guide for escaping the Lurleneverse alive, or at least surviving as long as you possibly can. I mean, hello, it's the Lurleneverse, no one is safe for long!

Without further ado, I present:

Top Ten Rules for Surviving in the Lurleneverse

Do not be the gifted child of a hardworking single mother. Always be rich.
Don't fucking plan for your bright future. The second you do you're totally fucked. National Merit Scholar? No life for you. Not yours.
Do not fall in nobly in love with someone obviously perfect for you. She will use it as a plot device to break our hearts when you kick the bucket. Probably you'll plant tulips in a field with a message, just to hammer it home a bit.
Sleep around a bit. Lurlene only kills worthy virgins.
Be the narrator. You'll probably survive till the sequel.
Be a sullen, whiny pain in the ass. Only the noble who accept their fate die in the Lurleneverse.
DO NOT WRITE GOODBYE LETTERS. You write your goodbye, or film a video, you die two pages later. It's fucking guaranteed.
Do not visit a graveyard. She uses this consistently as a plot device to force you to accept your mortality.
Do not quote poetry or the Bible, particularly Ecclesiastes or the Gerard Manley Hopkins poem about leaves.
The bruise and flu-like symptoms are ALWAYS cancer. Do not wait to see a doctor, or you'll miss your only chance for bone marrow transplant.